Feels More True with Each Line
Title: Falling Away with You
Author: 0creativity
Part: 2 of 9
Rating: PG13 to R
Summary: Greg doesn't know what he's doing anymore.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A/N: See my notes at the beginning of Chapter One.
Chapter Two
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Nick.”
Nick looks up from the shirt he’s ironing. “What?”
“Never mind.” Nick can hear the irritation in his voice.
“G, you can’t just start with the middle of a conversation and expect me to know what you’re talking about.”
“Sorry, but that’s how my brain works. You should know that by now.”
Nick smiles to himself as he inspects his shirt. Satisfied with its wrinkle-free appearance, he puts it on a hanger and puts it in the closet, then unplugs the iron. He heads to his bed and lays down, already thinking about how much aspirin he’s going to have to take to get rid of the headache he knows this conversation is going to give him.
He sighs and decides to open the can of worms. “What do you mean you don’t know what you’re doing anymore?”
Greg chews on his thumbnail while he considers his answer. “You. Me. Us. I just don’t know.”
Nick’s eyes widen. “I thought we talked about this. I understand the rules, you don’t have to worry-”
“Yes. I do. You have feelings for me, Nick. As lame as it sounds, I can see it in your eyes. You’re not very good at hiding your emotions. Right now I can tell you’re scared and thinking ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!’ It’s kind of funny, actually.”
“So... what? You want to call the whole thing off?”
Greg closes his eyes and doesn’t say anything for so long that Nick begins to think he’s fallen asleep. Finally, he opens them again and turns to face Nick.
“When you asked me last week why we couldn’t be more, I thought I knew the answer. Someone always gets hurt, right? That’s what I keep telling myself, but I can tell you’re already hurting and I’m starting to hurt so it seems kind of stupid to use that as an excuse now. Then I told myself that I don’t date guys. Only we’re already having sex and you’re more interesting than any girl I’ve gone out with this year so that seems pretty stupid too. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Do you have feelings for me?” He says it quietly, scared that if he says it any louder, Greg will realize what he’s really asking and run away without answering him.
Greg chokes back a sob and simply nods his head, not daring to meet Nick’s eyes.
“Then why do you want to run away?”
“You’ve seen how I am, Nick. I’ve never dated... seriously... before. And if we take this any further, that’s what I want: serious. I just know I’ll screw it up and end up hurting you even more. I can’t do that to you.”
Nick stands up and slowly walks to Greg’s bed. He reaches down and takes his hand, gives it a squeeze, and sits down. He doesn’t let go of the hand.
“If it doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t blame it on you, Greg. Unless you were a jackass and cheated on me or something, I wouldn’t hold anything against you. Because we tried, right? That’s all that matters. That we try.”
Greg wipes some tears away with the back of his free hand. “I know it’s way too soon to be thinking in terms of love, but Papa Olaf used to tell me not to be selfish when it came to relationships. He said it wasn’t fair to the other person to make them wait for you to make a move because then by the time you end up doing something it could be too late. They might have already moved on and then somewhere down the line you’ll be looking at what could have been and asking yourself which one could have been love.”
“Sounds like a smart man.”
Greg lets out a bitter laugh. “He’d kill me if he could see me right now.”
Nick chuckles. “Why?”
“Because I haven’t been following his advice.”
Nick finally lets go of Greg’s hand and pulls him into an embrace. “What do you want to do about this?” he whispers in Greg’s ear.
“I guess,” he admits, “I want to see where this can go. I want... you. All of you, not just the parts required for sex.”
Nick smiles into Greg’s hair. “Good. I want the same thing from you.”
~
Nine months of living with Greg in a small dorm room. Seven months of sleeping in the same bed as him, being able to hold him and kiss him and love him, even though he hasn’t used those words yet. Three months has never seemed like such a long time, but they know they won’t get to see each other at all over summer break. Greg lives in California, Nick in Texas. Nick thinks his parents might understand if he told them he wanted to go see a friend he made in college, but like Greg said, he’s no good at hiding his emotions. They’d figure him out in no time and that’s not something he wants to deal with. Not yet.
The past seven months have been the best of his life. No one at school knows about them and it’s something they’ve both agreed is for the best. They aren’t ashamed, just scared. They stay in their room almost every night, watching movies or playing video games. Nick is sure everyone thinks they’re just friends. In a way, that’s what they are, but there’s this weird new dimension that’s been added. They care for each other beyond a friendly level and it’s something only the two of them are able to pick up on in the smallest of details.
They do stuff that normal friends would never do, though. During finals week last semester, Greg complained that Nick was worrying too much about his upcoming tests. He tied Nick to the bed and helped him to relieve the tension over and over again that had taken over his body.
He wouldn’t call what they do “making love” because they still haven’t gotten around to saying those words yet. At the same time, it’s a lot different than the frantic, fuck-buddy sex they had been having before. Now it wasn’t just about getting off. It was about making the other person feel as good as humanly possible, beyond just a physical plane.
Their room is empty and clean now and the RA has already checked them out. They’re grabbing lunch before they have to head their separate ways for the summer.
Greg must be a mind reader because as soon as Nick thinks it, Greg’s saying it. “Summer’s going to suck this year.”
Nick nods. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think we’ve spent any time apart except for a few days during Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks at Christmas. Now three whole months? You’ll forget about me.” He says the last part as a joke, but he can’t stop some of the real fear seeping into his voice.
Greg takes Nick’s hand across the table. They’ve gotten bolder over the months but signs of affection such as this in public are still rare. “You know that’s not going to happen.”
Nick tries to smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“What’s bothering you, Nicky?”
Nicky. He had always hated when people called him that before. It made him sound like a little kid. When Greg does it though, it’s different. It’s his subtle way of saying “My Nick” and “I’m going to try my hardest to make this work.” and “I really, really care about you.” It’s reassuring and wonderful and Nick has to fight a smile every time Greg says it. This thing between them feels more true with each passing day.
“Three months is a long time, G.”
“It’s not that long.”
“Anything could happen.”
“Nicky, nothing’s going to happen. Nick, look at me.”
Nick finally meets his eyes and Greg gives his hand a squeeze. “Nothing. Is. Going. To. Happen.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise, Nicky. I’m sure we’ll talk on the phone all day everyday anyway. There won’t be time for anything to happen.”
Nick smiles as they stand up. “Have a great summer, okay? You’ve still got my number, right?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Nick puts his hands in his pockets and leans over the table and gives Greg a kiss on his cheek. Greg closes his eyes and rubs his hand over the spot.
“I love you,” Nick whispers.
When Greg opens his eyes, Nick is gone.
Author: 0creativity
Part: 2 of 9
Rating: PG13 to R
Summary: Greg doesn't know what he's doing anymore.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A/N: See my notes at the beginning of Chapter One.
Chapter Two
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Nick.”
Nick looks up from the shirt he’s ironing. “What?”
“Never mind.” Nick can hear the irritation in his voice.
“G, you can’t just start with the middle of a conversation and expect me to know what you’re talking about.”
“Sorry, but that’s how my brain works. You should know that by now.”
Nick smiles to himself as he inspects his shirt. Satisfied with its wrinkle-free appearance, he puts it on a hanger and puts it in the closet, then unplugs the iron. He heads to his bed and lays down, already thinking about how much aspirin he’s going to have to take to get rid of the headache he knows this conversation is going to give him.
He sighs and decides to open the can of worms. “What do you mean you don’t know what you’re doing anymore?”
Greg chews on his thumbnail while he considers his answer. “You. Me. Us. I just don’t know.”
Nick’s eyes widen. “I thought we talked about this. I understand the rules, you don’t have to worry-”
“Yes. I do. You have feelings for me, Nick. As lame as it sounds, I can see it in your eyes. You’re not very good at hiding your emotions. Right now I can tell you’re scared and thinking ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!’ It’s kind of funny, actually.”
“So... what? You want to call the whole thing off?”
Greg closes his eyes and doesn’t say anything for so long that Nick begins to think he’s fallen asleep. Finally, he opens them again and turns to face Nick.
“When you asked me last week why we couldn’t be more, I thought I knew the answer. Someone always gets hurt, right? That’s what I keep telling myself, but I can tell you’re already hurting and I’m starting to hurt so it seems kind of stupid to use that as an excuse now. Then I told myself that I don’t date guys. Only we’re already having sex and you’re more interesting than any girl I’ve gone out with this year so that seems pretty stupid too. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Do you have feelings for me?” He says it quietly, scared that if he says it any louder, Greg will realize what he’s really asking and run away without answering him.
Greg chokes back a sob and simply nods his head, not daring to meet Nick’s eyes.
“Then why do you want to run away?”
“You’ve seen how I am, Nick. I’ve never dated... seriously... before. And if we take this any further, that’s what I want: serious. I just know I’ll screw it up and end up hurting you even more. I can’t do that to you.”
Nick stands up and slowly walks to Greg’s bed. He reaches down and takes his hand, gives it a squeeze, and sits down. He doesn’t let go of the hand.
“If it doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t blame it on you, Greg. Unless you were a jackass and cheated on me or something, I wouldn’t hold anything against you. Because we tried, right? That’s all that matters. That we try.”
Greg wipes some tears away with the back of his free hand. “I know it’s way too soon to be thinking in terms of love, but Papa Olaf used to tell me not to be selfish when it came to relationships. He said it wasn’t fair to the other person to make them wait for you to make a move because then by the time you end up doing something it could be too late. They might have already moved on and then somewhere down the line you’ll be looking at what could have been and asking yourself which one could have been love.”
“Sounds like a smart man.”
Greg lets out a bitter laugh. “He’d kill me if he could see me right now.”
Nick chuckles. “Why?”
“Because I haven’t been following his advice.”
Nick finally lets go of Greg’s hand and pulls him into an embrace. “What do you want to do about this?” he whispers in Greg’s ear.
“I guess,” he admits, “I want to see where this can go. I want... you. All of you, not just the parts required for sex.”
Nick smiles into Greg’s hair. “Good. I want the same thing from you.”
~
Nine months of living with Greg in a small dorm room. Seven months of sleeping in the same bed as him, being able to hold him and kiss him and love him, even though he hasn’t used those words yet. Three months has never seemed like such a long time, but they know they won’t get to see each other at all over summer break. Greg lives in California, Nick in Texas. Nick thinks his parents might understand if he told them he wanted to go see a friend he made in college, but like Greg said, he’s no good at hiding his emotions. They’d figure him out in no time and that’s not something he wants to deal with. Not yet.
The past seven months have been the best of his life. No one at school knows about them and it’s something they’ve both agreed is for the best. They aren’t ashamed, just scared. They stay in their room almost every night, watching movies or playing video games. Nick is sure everyone thinks they’re just friends. In a way, that’s what they are, but there’s this weird new dimension that’s been added. They care for each other beyond a friendly level and it’s something only the two of them are able to pick up on in the smallest of details.
They do stuff that normal friends would never do, though. During finals week last semester, Greg complained that Nick was worrying too much about his upcoming tests. He tied Nick to the bed and helped him to relieve the tension over and over again that had taken over his body.
He wouldn’t call what they do “making love” because they still haven’t gotten around to saying those words yet. At the same time, it’s a lot different than the frantic, fuck-buddy sex they had been having before. Now it wasn’t just about getting off. It was about making the other person feel as good as humanly possible, beyond just a physical plane.
Their room is empty and clean now and the RA has already checked them out. They’re grabbing lunch before they have to head their separate ways for the summer.
Greg must be a mind reader because as soon as Nick thinks it, Greg’s saying it. “Summer’s going to suck this year.”
Nick nods. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think we’ve spent any time apart except for a few days during Thanksgiving and a couple of weeks at Christmas. Now three whole months? You’ll forget about me.” He says the last part as a joke, but he can’t stop some of the real fear seeping into his voice.
Greg takes Nick’s hand across the table. They’ve gotten bolder over the months but signs of affection such as this in public are still rare. “You know that’s not going to happen.”
Nick tries to smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“What’s bothering you, Nicky?”
Nicky. He had always hated when people called him that before. It made him sound like a little kid. When Greg does it though, it’s different. It’s his subtle way of saying “My Nick” and “I’m going to try my hardest to make this work.” and “I really, really care about you.” It’s reassuring and wonderful and Nick has to fight a smile every time Greg says it. This thing between them feels more true with each passing day.
“Three months is a long time, G.”
“It’s not that long.”
“Anything could happen.”
“Nicky, nothing’s going to happen. Nick, look at me.”
Nick finally meets his eyes and Greg gives his hand a squeeze. “Nothing. Is. Going. To. Happen.”
“Promise me.”
“I promise, Nicky. I’m sure we’ll talk on the phone all day everyday anyway. There won’t be time for anything to happen.”
Nick smiles as they stand up. “Have a great summer, okay? You’ve still got my number, right?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
Nick puts his hands in his pockets and leans over the table and gives Greg a kiss on his cheek. Greg closes his eyes and rubs his hand over the spot.
“I love you,” Nick whispers.
When Greg opens his eyes, Nick is gone.