"The Last Walk"

[0nlyapapermoon]

This is a short story, written for my online writing class. It was written in tiny fragments at a time, over the course of about 5 torturous hours (though with distractions it was probably more like two,) during which I was horrifically sick to my stomach, then submitted about 3.5 hours before the deadline. In short- it sucks. I know this. Sorry.

Comments

[0nlyapapermoon]

...seriously, I should wire my keyboard so that the comma key shocks me every time I touch it. -_-

[feraldolce]

it's not terrible, bb! and i think you use commas just fine, but then again... i will use about 20 in a paragraph-long sentence.

what's interesting to me, though, is how the notes you have before the story strike a sharper chord in me than the actual story does. i think there's an element of pain and hurt that gets muted in the actual story, but you haven't held back in those notes, about the red tape and the cold linoleum. those would've worked well here, or, if you wanted to stray farther from the memory, a substitution for that kind of detail. the clinical attention to detail is reflective of the haunt of the memory, the unshakeable kind of clarity that comes with a traumatic experience.

D: forgive my unasked for concrit (it's the english teacher in me!--though, if you want more, i could go on and on). this is the proof, though, that you are a good writer. it's just a matter of tapping into the core of the issue and channeling it right into the narrative.

[0nlyapapermoon]

No no, that's fine! I like concrit. I wouldn't have posted it if I didn't want any