(no subject)
I plan on meeting him during his lunch break in his class. I don't know if I'll be up to it though --- It'll hit 90 degrees today. I'll also be on 75 which could mean many things during lunch hour on a busy highway.
I told him last night that I had been feeling empty --- not in the conventional, complaining sense... Empty in the respect of just not doing anything that I planned on doing. I told him that for sure my life had improved in quality since high school though --- It's so much nicer to not be so angry all the time in life. Rage is so consuming and it taxed me greatly, being mad at my parents. I don't even know what kind of hatred it was---certainly it wasn't valid because I would have reason to hate them still, right? I know they love me. That's for sure. How they go about it is equivocal though.
I don't mean this post to be a glorification upon glorification of the couple dynamic that we all get sick of. Post after post of "how my boyfriend is fabulous." I really do emphasize how much happier I am. Taking care of him and making sure he brushes his teeth --- stupid things like that. Seeing that he's a true man to be around. It's nice to feel so secure around him --- TRUST is huge...and I feel fortunate to have his full confidence.
There are some things I'd like to be better in my life---like my relationship with my friends--- but I haven't exactly been an expert in that field this whole time. The worst is over. I'm embracing my beginnings. I know what I want: I want to be a mother, I want to be a giver, I want to be compassionate. I'm here for people in any way I can be---I'll give my music to people and I'll give them what God's given me with no strings attached. All I ask is that they feel sheer joy or just a little enjoyment from my contribution.
On a more grim note, I think what has been bothering me the most as of late is people in the way of Steven's endeavors. For once, he has the time and funds to do something with his life and people are trying to snatch it away from him. In fact, I know one of them reads this journal as if it's fuel, and material for blackmail against me. It's none of my friends, of course. But it is an eye that can see this public journal.
It bothers me that this is the case because in reality, it's sick to utilize someone's personal reflections as fuel for drama in external relationships.
To think that he's trying to learn to save lives in the most rustic of fields --- emergency response is no thing that keeps your hands clean. Steven will see a lot but I know it has to be God's will for him to get into this. I don't want him to be hindered. People have been asking him for money. More than one person, even and it's been bothering me.
It's odd because his mother told me that when his grandfather was laying in his deathbed, he looked at Steven and claimed to have seen one of God's Angel's.
Yes... Odd story...but very curious.