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Wedding gifts come in bountiful amounts.

NOTE TO SELF: get married.

Although I think I've said it, clapped, and shook hands over it at least 5 times now, Congratulations Kevin and Rachel.

 "te estoy pensando flaquita linda t amo tu linda"

I received this in a text message from a number I don't know. I do not speak Spanish and I don't know what it means so I'm turning toward you, America, for help. Google says it has something to do with skinny girls but I'm sure there's a more distinct answer from a speaker of the language.

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I'm having a real problem coming up with inspiration.

I need a muse or something.

How I prepare to do stand-up:

Listen to They Might Be Giants for the hour prior to the start of the show
Pee
Pee again
Drink Water
Pee some more
Pee at least 12 more times
Chew gum
-then-
Panic.