There With You: Part 4
Title: There With You - PART FOUR
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AJ and his friend drag Soohyun to a crazy party.
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PART FOUR
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Soohyun didn’t know exactly how long he had been at Ronan’s apartment by the time he realized that basically everyone else was drunk, but it had been awhile. They hadn’t been a foot inside of the space when several six-packs of beer and quite a few bottles of whiskey and soda were pulled out into the center of the room and within minutes it seemed like everyone had a bottle or cup in hand. Soohyun had been offered some of the foul smelling liquid on numerous occasions but had always politely turned it down with a smile and a shake of his head. Fortunately, now that everyone was thoroughly buzzed, they tended to just wander past him without bothering about the emptiness of his hands.
The alcohol did, however, seem to make everyone bolder. Soohyun was very glad to have AJ by his side at the beginning, deflecting offers to have Soohyun play and keeping some of the more rambunctious guests off of him. But Soohyun had begun to feel guilty, tying AJ down, so he had accepted an offer to play some kind of racing game and nudged AJ on his way.
Which is why, a few games and an untold number of hours later, Soohyun was sitting on the couch next to a very tipsy and scantily dressed girl and a pile of opened pizza boxes. Strangely, he hadn’t felt hungry at all, his stomach thoroughly rejecting the idea of food. He blamed it on jetlag or perhaps the large lunch, but it definitely wasn’t because of the way AJ was sitting on the opposite side of the room, pressed shoulder to shoulder with some guy Soohyun didn’t even know. That definitely wasn’t it at all.
He heard a bit of commotion and then Ronan was standing on top of the coffee table, swaying slightly as he pointed down at Soohyun. “You.” He waited until Soohyun was looking directly at him before continuing. “You, should come play with us. No one’s allowed to skip out on Rock Band.”
Soohyun squinted as he tried to understand Ronan’s English, made even more difficult because of how he slurred his words more and more with each consecutive beer. But he needn’t have bothered because Ronan wasn’t interested in a response, simply grabbing Soohyun by the wrist and pulling him over to the TV where a new game was being pushed into the slot. Plastic guitars and a tiny drum set were dragged out and Ronan suddenly had a microphone in his hand.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready to rock?” he yelled, thrusting his fist into the air to a chorus of hollers. Music began playing and Soohyun took a look at the screen, quickly figuring out that it was one of the fake music games. A warm hand was suddenly wrapped around his arm and he was jerked up against Ronan’s side. “Hey, just watch first.” He pulled back then pointed to Soohyun, then the screen, then to himself. “You. Watch. Okay?”
Soohyun nodded, backing away as soon as Ronan had released him. He could watch, that was easy enough. But after the first song, it became apparent that watching wasn’t all that was expected of him, as Ronan pressed the microphone into Soohyun’s chest. His eyes widened hugely and he searched frantically for AJ where he had last seen him across the room.
But Soohyun needn’t have worried. AJ had already seen the confusion and taken the remote, picking out a song he knew Soohyun could sing and ignoring all outside opinions. If they were going to make Soohyun sing, then they could deal with the choice.
The opening of the song filtered through the speakers and AJ caught Soohyun’s eyes, giving him a nod of encouragement and a smile. He knew being here, in this apartment, with tons of his crazy friends, must’ve been overwhelming for Soohyun, but singing… Soohyun could sing. If there was anything that could make Soohyun feel at home, it was to let him sing.
Soohyun was still uncomfortable, nervously gripping the mic as he listened to the first few chords. He knew the song, but to sing it in front of all of these people who actually knew English? But if he bowed out now everyone would think he was weird. They’d think he was weird and boring and wonder why AJ was friends with such an odd person. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to prove himself the one way he knew how: with his voice.
So he sang, taking a deep breath and pouring everything he had into the music, hitting every note with precision and doing his best with the pronunciation of the foreign words. He closed his eyes, pretending he was on stage, or on a talk show, somewhere familiar. But as the last verse ended and Soohyun opened his eyes, letting the final chords settle into the room, reality came crashing back.
He turned to the side, where AJ was elbowing Ronan, a smug expression on his face as his friend sputtered. From the corner of his eye, he could see more people staring. There were mutters, some he could just faintly hear, even fewer he could understand, but what he did get was enough.
He could tell when he was being made fun of. He could tell when people where laughing at him. He wasn’t stupid. But he could pretend, he was a professional pretender. He slapped a smile on his face and bowed a bit, offering the mic up and handing it to the next partygoer. Pushing his way through the crowd, he didn’t stop until he was back at the couch, away from everyone else except for the tipsy girl and the pizza boxes.
Knowing AJ was watching, he pulled the girl’s arm, making her face him, pretending to laugh at something she had said, being thankful for her incessant giggles. He was a professional pretender. And he didn’t stop pretending until he felt AJ turn away, back to his friends, back to where he belonged. A place Soohyun couldn’t be.
~*~
AJ didn’t notice Soohyun was missing until a long time after his performance. AJ had had a few drinks, but not too many, so he only had to work through a moderate haze. He asked every person he ran into if they had seen him, describing him again and again: a Korean boy in a blue Columbia sweatshirt, shorter than him (he would hold up his hand to demonstrate). But no one knew where he had went. And AJ recognized fewer and fewer people-some of them didn’t even know who he was. The party had really gotten out of control. Finally he was able to locate Ronan at least. But when he did, he was pissed. “I fucking lost him,” he said.
“What?” Ronan asked, frowning.
“Put that fucking thing down,” AJ ordered, indicating the cup in Ronan’s hand.
His eyebrows lifting, Ronan obeyed. “Chill out, AJ,” he said. “You lost who?”
“You know who!” AJ yelled. “Soohyun! My friend Soohyun!”
“AJ.” Ronan put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. He’s probably just in the bathroom.”
“No. He’s not. He’s just gone. And it’s…” AJ clenched his eyes closed, stopping his tongue. He’d been about to say, It’s your fault. But it wasn’t. It was his. Not that Ronan was completely blameless. “Why the hell did you think this was a good idea?”
“Whoa, AJ. I was just letting off some steam. And I didn’t really anticipate… Well, my roommate called some friends over, and then they called some more over…” He rolled his eyes. “You’ll see ‘em, all those guys with the backwards hats. But, I’m sorry. I am.” He squeezed AJ’s shoulder. “We’ll find him, okay? I’ll help you.”
AJ tried to take deep breaths. “Okay,” he said, more softly than before.
“Oh, you mean that cute guy who sang before?” said a voice. AJ and Ronan turned to the speaker, who was a girl in a low-cut dress. “Who smiled a lot but didn’t really talk?” she went on.
AJ didn’t know this girl but Ronan did because he addressed her by name before asking, “Yeah, did you see him recently?”
“No. He left about half an hour ago.”
“What?” AJ cried.
Ronan turned to look at him. AJ guessed he had probably practically screamed. But he didn’t care. “He left?” he managed, in a slightly lower voice.
“Yeah, he just put his shoes back on and went out the door.” She pointed, but AJ didn’t look. He knew exactly where the door was. He just couldn’t conceive why Soohyun would walk out of it. Without him. No, he could. Soohyun was jetlagged and tired, in this loud place with all kinds of people he didn’t know speaking a language he couldn’t understand. All he had had to anchor him was AJ, but AJ had been distracted. It had been a terrible idea to bring him here. They should’ve spent a quiet night in the room instead, maybe saved this kind of activity for later, if that. AJ had wanted to show off his friends, his world, but instead he’d just showed Soohyun how awful it could be. So Soohyun had left. Into the New York night where he could get lost, or get mugged, or…
AJ ran to the door, and shoved on his shoes and coat. Ronan followed him. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine,” AJ answered.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” AJ’s hand was already on the door knob.
“Text me when you find him,” Ronan said. “Like, actually. Don’t forget. Or I will worry and then I’ll go out to find the both of you.”
“Okay, I will.”
AJ rushed down the stairs and then out onto the street. Luckily he’d given Soohyun a key right away as well as made sure he paid attention when they first left the dorm, pointing out landmarks. Maybe he’d be fine… Yeah right. AJ had abandoned him in a room full of strangers, and now he was out on the darkened sidewalks where there were even more strangers. He should never have brought him there. He’d thought it’d be tamer, that it would be smaller and less stressful… but Ronan had had other plans. And so had Ronan’s roommate, who AJ knew Ronan didn’t like but lived with anyway because it was cheaper. He blew out a gust of air. Ronan was Ronan. The fault was still AJ’s.
He wound his way down street after street, combing back and forth, but finding no one who even remotely resembled Soohyun. He felt like crying. But that wouldn’t help. He couldn’t look for Soohyun if his eyes were full of tears. He was scared. But he knew Soohyun must be even more scared, wherever he was, cold and alone. If he was even still alone. New York was a dangerous place. Someone could’ve found him, and… and done who knows what with him… something with knives… or guns… Did Soohyun even know to dial 911? Did he even have his phone? He wouldn’t even be able to ask anyone for help. Maybe, assuming he wasn’t attacked, he’d be able to get someone passing by to direct him to the university. Hopefully he would know enough to go there. AJ was going back there now, having given up after searching everywhere else. Luckily Ronan’s place was close by.
He hurried up the stairs and pushed open his door, and then froze. Because Soohyun was already there, standing and staring back at him, his hair wet from the shower. AJ stayed rooted to the spot. He almost felt like yelling again. Relief hadn’t sunk in yet. His jaw wouldn’t open. Finally he managed to force out, “Soohyun, you’re-you’re here.”
Soohyun blinked a few times, staring at AJ before throwing a towel over his head to dry his hair. "Yeah, and so are you."
AJ finally got himself to move and closed the door behind him. Of course Soohyun was pissed at him, and coming in with his Captain Obvious line hadn't helped. He took a deep breath and then said, "You really scared me. I didn't know where you had gone, or if you were okay."
At that Soohyun paused, staring at the ground, tiny beads of water dripping down his neck. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"No, Soohyun, that's..." AJ cut himself off, trying again. "I'm really glad you made it back alright. It's kind of amazing, actually." AJ took a step closer. "But, Soohyun, I'm really sorry. I should never have dragged you to that stupid party. Or I should've dragged you out of it as soon as it got to be too much. I'm so sorry."
"No, it's okay," Soohyun said, turning away to hide his face. "I got to see some of your friends and meet people. I got to know Ronan a bit more..." Soohyun trailed off, voice muffled by the towel. He didn't think AJ would mind that much anyway.
AJ was getting frustrated. It wasn't okay. Soohyun needed to stop pretending it was. But what Soohyun had done wasn't okay either. "Why did you leave without telling me?" he asked.
Taking a deep breath, Soohyun pulled the towel off his head, forcing a smile back onto his face before he turned around. "Because you looked like you were having fun. I knew the way back and I had a key so I didn't see the point in bothering you."
"Soohyun! No! That's not what it's like! How could you think that?” AJ yelled, then mentally slapped himself. Yell at the depressed person. Great plan. "Soohyun, you don't bother me," AJ said, softer but firmly. "You never bother me. You're a part of my life, no matter where I am. Okay?"
Soohyun flinched at AJ's sudden outburst, carefully sculpted facade cracking ever so slightly. "I don't know what you're talking about, but okay. I'll make sure to let you know next time I go somewhere."
“Goddamnit Soohyun,” AJ said. Then he did what he had wanted to do from the first moment he had entered the room: he pulled Soohyun against him. “It’s okay to be upset with me,” he said. “Believe me, I’m upset with myself, so…” He nuzzled Soohyun’s wet hair, finding it smelling like his brand of shampoo. He was glad that Soohyun had located that and the towel for himself. But those were unimportant thoughts. “You must have been feeling really bad to have left like that, huh?” he said. Maybe that would get Soohyun to talk more. Maybe.
The towel dropped to the floor, making a soft thud in the otherwise silent room. Soohyun’s chest suddenly felt unbearably tight. His eyes slammed shut to force back the emotions brewing just below the surface. He didn’t want to… couldn’t… if he was mad at AJ, if AJ left him, he would have no one. He shook his head slowly, ignoring the way AJ’s skin rubbed against his own.
AJ rubbed Soohyun’s back. “It’s hard being here, yeah? You want to see me so bad and then it takes so long to get here, and then I abandon you with people you don’t know, who you can’t even talk to. Ronan means well, but…” AJ shook his head, as much as he could pressed up against Soohyun. “I’m sorry.” He exhaled. “But it’s okay, Soohyun. It’s okay to not be okay.”
“Stop it…” Soohyun whispered, voice shaking with the effort to keep the tears back. “Just stop it.” He pushed AJ away and stumbled backwards, stopping when his back hit the wall. “Stop forcing yourself.” Soohyun’s voice choked, tears running in thick streaks down his face. “I know I’m not okay and I don’t need you to tell me that. I know I’m not okay and I don’t need you to pity me. So just leave me alone.” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, holding himself together; his voice was barely a whisper. “I shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake.”
Hearing Soohyun sob was one thing. It had made AJ’s heart shatter. But seeing it… AJ clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to keep himself from breaking down too. That wouldn’t solve anything. “Soohyun…” he murmured. “I want you here. I do. I…” His throat clenched and he looked away for a second. He had finally convinced Soohyun of that, convinced him to come here. Had he managed to ruin all that, all in one night? “I don’t pity you and I don’t…” His voice caught. “And I don’t want to leave you alone.” Tears stung his eyes. He knew he couldn’t hold them off for much longer. “I care about you, Soohyun. So much. So, please…” He shook his head, attempting to take a deep breath but only managing to sniffle. He whispered, “You can hate me all you want, but please, don’t hate yourself.” Then the tears started to fall and he couldn’t stop them.
Clutching himself even tighter, Soohyun sank slowly to the floor, sliding against the wall until he hit the ground. Now AJ was crying, and it was his fault. Everything was always his fault. He let out a sob and curled tighter into a ball, fingers digging into fabric to try and get a better grip. “No… No! NO!” He knew he was yelling, he knew he was being too loud, but he couldn’t force himself to care. Nothing mattered anymore. “STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO ME!”
“No, I won’t,” AJ said calmly, completely unfazed. He dared to come a little closer. “I won’t ever stop, Soohyun.” He knelt in front of him. “Why can’t I be nice to you, Soohyun? Why not?”
Soohyun pushed himself closer to the wall, trying to escape, but there was no way out and AJ just kept looking at him with those same, broken eyes. He pressed his head between his knees and laced his arms above his head. He couldn’t fall apart, he couldn’t. But he could at least tell AJ the truth, even if it hurt to say. Even if he knew AJ was going to argue. He took a deep, shuddering breath before murmuring to the floor. “Because I don’t deserve it.” His voice became even quieter, nearly impossible to hear. “I don’t deserve you.”
AJ laid his hands on Soohyun’s exposed arms. “Says who?” he asked softly. “Says you? Well, you’re wrong. I want to be there for you, Soohyun. I want that. I decided that. And I’m not changing my mind.”
“You can’t know that.” Soohyun sniffled a bit, keeping his head buried and the rest of him firmly in place. “And I don’t want to be hurt again.”
"I would never hurt you," he said. Then he grimaced. Except he had hurt Soohyun already, tonight. "Nothing will stop me from caring about you, Soohyun. Nothing. Not all the oceans that have been between us, and not... me being an idiot. So..." AJ's hands shifted closer to Soohyun's, beginning the process of prying him apart. "Please..."
Soohyun let AJ pull one of his wrists back, turning his face to the side to bury it in his other arm. He kept trying to convince himself to run away, to pull away, to push AJ away, something. But he couldn’t do it. A little voice in the back of his head kept calling out to him, reminding him of everything AJ had done: at the hotel, through the letters, the sweatshirt, caring for him like no one else had done. Maybe it was time he stopped denying himself what he so obviously needed. He trusted AJ, more than anyone else. He liked talking to him, being with him, everything about him, the way his eyes curved when he smiled, the strong shoulders and knowledgeable words. Soohyun needed comfort and protection, someone to be there for him when the entire world seemed to be going the opposite way. AJ fit that role perfectly, seemed willing to do it, practically begged Soohyun to let him help. So why was he still resisting?
He needed to let go. He needed AJ.
Not even bothering to wipe his eyes, Soohyun lifted his head, staring up at AJ with a pleading expression. He didn’t know what to say, or do, he just hoped that AJ would understand.
Very slowly, AJ leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. “You’re not alone, Soohyun,” he whispered, keeping his face close to Soohyun’s skin. “And you don’t need to be. I’m here for you. Always. And you can talk to me about anything, everything. And it’ll be okay. Because…” He took both of Soohyun’s hands in his own. “We’ll work through it together, okay?”
Soohyun nodded his head slowly, still in a daze, skin hot and tingling from where AJ’s lips had been. Using AJ’s hold on his hands, Soohyun pulled the other boy forward, not stopping until their chests bumped together. He tilted his head and pressed his lips to the side of AJ’s neck. “Okay, AJ.” He sighed then pushed AJ backwards, settling between the other boy’s legs and leaning against his chest. “Okay.” Strong arms wrapped around him and Soohyun let himself breathe, burrowing closer into AJ’s warmth before closing his eyes. His head was throbbing and his eyes itched. Any energy that had been left over after the plane ride was now gone along with his drying tears.
AJ finally allowed himself to breathe again. The way Soohyun had them positioned had definitely made him feel… things, especially when Soohyun’s lips had brushed his neck… But now the tingling feeling left his body and he was at peace along with sleeping Soohyun. He watched him for a while, how long, he wasn’t sure. But then his legs fell asleep-which was a bad kind of tingle-and he knew he should move them both. Very carefully, he shifted Soohyun’s body sideways so that he could lift him across his arms. He carried him and set him down on the bed, pausing for a few seconds to make sure Soohyun was still asleep. It was difficult to wrestle the covers up and over Soohyun since he was already on top of most of them, but he managed. Once he was fully under them, Soohyun rolled over so that his serenely sleeping face was towards AJ, as he continued breathing evenly. AJ smiled, reaching forward to smooth the still damp hair from his friend’s forehead. He froze after doing so, and not just because he was afraid of waking Soohyun up. Was that going too far? Had he already gone too far? But it had felt so natural, leaning in to kiss Soohyun like that. And Soohyun’s skin had felt so warm… And, looking down at him now, his lips looked just as warm, and soft…
AJ shook his head, going over to his dresser. He was going to go take a shower, possibly at a lower temperature than normal, and then he would sleep too.
~*~*~*~*~
A/N: How many times can you use the f-word before it’s no longer PG-13? >_< Well, I think you all already knew what you were getting into.
Pairing: AJ/Soohyun
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AJ and his friend drag Soohyun to a crazy party.
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PART FOUR
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Soohyun didn’t know exactly how long he had been at Ronan’s apartment by the time he realized that basically everyone else was drunk, but it had been awhile. They hadn’t been a foot inside of the space when several six-packs of beer and quite a few bottles of whiskey and soda were pulled out into the center of the room and within minutes it seemed like everyone had a bottle or cup in hand. Soohyun had been offered some of the foul smelling liquid on numerous occasions but had always politely turned it down with a smile and a shake of his head. Fortunately, now that everyone was thoroughly buzzed, they tended to just wander past him without bothering about the emptiness of his hands.
The alcohol did, however, seem to make everyone bolder. Soohyun was very glad to have AJ by his side at the beginning, deflecting offers to have Soohyun play and keeping some of the more rambunctious guests off of him. But Soohyun had begun to feel guilty, tying AJ down, so he had accepted an offer to play some kind of racing game and nudged AJ on his way.
Which is why, a few games and an untold number of hours later, Soohyun was sitting on the couch next to a very tipsy and scantily dressed girl and a pile of opened pizza boxes. Strangely, he hadn’t felt hungry at all, his stomach thoroughly rejecting the idea of food. He blamed it on jetlag or perhaps the large lunch, but it definitely wasn’t because of the way AJ was sitting on the opposite side of the room, pressed shoulder to shoulder with some guy Soohyun didn’t even know. That definitely wasn’t it at all.
He heard a bit of commotion and then Ronan was standing on top of the coffee table, swaying slightly as he pointed down at Soohyun. “You.” He waited until Soohyun was looking directly at him before continuing. “You, should come play with us. No one’s allowed to skip out on Rock Band.”
Soohyun squinted as he tried to understand Ronan’s English, made even more difficult because of how he slurred his words more and more with each consecutive beer. But he needn’t have bothered because Ronan wasn’t interested in a response, simply grabbing Soohyun by the wrist and pulling him over to the TV where a new game was being pushed into the slot. Plastic guitars and a tiny drum set were dragged out and Ronan suddenly had a microphone in his hand.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Are you ready to rock?” he yelled, thrusting his fist into the air to a chorus of hollers. Music began playing and Soohyun took a look at the screen, quickly figuring out that it was one of the fake music games. A warm hand was suddenly wrapped around his arm and he was jerked up against Ronan’s side. “Hey, just watch first.” He pulled back then pointed to Soohyun, then the screen, then to himself. “You. Watch. Okay?”
Soohyun nodded, backing away as soon as Ronan had released him. He could watch, that was easy enough. But after the first song, it became apparent that watching wasn’t all that was expected of him, as Ronan pressed the microphone into Soohyun’s chest. His eyes widened hugely and he searched frantically for AJ where he had last seen him across the room.
But Soohyun needn’t have worried. AJ had already seen the confusion and taken the remote, picking out a song he knew Soohyun could sing and ignoring all outside opinions. If they were going to make Soohyun sing, then they could deal with the choice.
The opening of the song filtered through the speakers and AJ caught Soohyun’s eyes, giving him a nod of encouragement and a smile. He knew being here, in this apartment, with tons of his crazy friends, must’ve been overwhelming for Soohyun, but singing… Soohyun could sing. If there was anything that could make Soohyun feel at home, it was to let him sing.
Soohyun was still uncomfortable, nervously gripping the mic as he listened to the first few chords. He knew the song, but to sing it in front of all of these people who actually knew English? But if he bowed out now everyone would think he was weird. They’d think he was weird and boring and wonder why AJ was friends with such an odd person. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to prove himself the one way he knew how: with his voice.
So he sang, taking a deep breath and pouring everything he had into the music, hitting every note with precision and doing his best with the pronunciation of the foreign words. He closed his eyes, pretending he was on stage, or on a talk show, somewhere familiar. But as the last verse ended and Soohyun opened his eyes, letting the final chords settle into the room, reality came crashing back.
He turned to the side, where AJ was elbowing Ronan, a smug expression on his face as his friend sputtered. From the corner of his eye, he could see more people staring. There were mutters, some he could just faintly hear, even fewer he could understand, but what he did get was enough.
He could tell when he was being made fun of. He could tell when people where laughing at him. He wasn’t stupid. But he could pretend, he was a professional pretender. He slapped a smile on his face and bowed a bit, offering the mic up and handing it to the next partygoer. Pushing his way through the crowd, he didn’t stop until he was back at the couch, away from everyone else except for the tipsy girl and the pizza boxes.
Knowing AJ was watching, he pulled the girl’s arm, making her face him, pretending to laugh at something she had said, being thankful for her incessant giggles. He was a professional pretender. And he didn’t stop pretending until he felt AJ turn away, back to his friends, back to where he belonged. A place Soohyun couldn’t be.
~*~
AJ didn’t notice Soohyun was missing until a long time after his performance. AJ had had a few drinks, but not too many, so he only had to work through a moderate haze. He asked every person he ran into if they had seen him, describing him again and again: a Korean boy in a blue Columbia sweatshirt, shorter than him (he would hold up his hand to demonstrate). But no one knew where he had went. And AJ recognized fewer and fewer people-some of them didn’t even know who he was. The party had really gotten out of control. Finally he was able to locate Ronan at least. But when he did, he was pissed. “I fucking lost him,” he said.
“What?” Ronan asked, frowning.
“Put that fucking thing down,” AJ ordered, indicating the cup in Ronan’s hand.
His eyebrows lifting, Ronan obeyed. “Chill out, AJ,” he said. “You lost who?”
“You know who!” AJ yelled. “Soohyun! My friend Soohyun!”
“AJ.” Ronan put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay. He’s probably just in the bathroom.”
“No. He’s not. He’s just gone. And it’s…” AJ clenched his eyes closed, stopping his tongue. He’d been about to say, It’s your fault. But it wasn’t. It was his. Not that Ronan was completely blameless. “Why the hell did you think this was a good idea?”
“Whoa, AJ. I was just letting off some steam. And I didn’t really anticipate… Well, my roommate called some friends over, and then they called some more over…” He rolled his eyes. “You’ll see ‘em, all those guys with the backwards hats. But, I’m sorry. I am.” He squeezed AJ’s shoulder. “We’ll find him, okay? I’ll help you.”
AJ tried to take deep breaths. “Okay,” he said, more softly than before.
“Oh, you mean that cute guy who sang before?” said a voice. AJ and Ronan turned to the speaker, who was a girl in a low-cut dress. “Who smiled a lot but didn’t really talk?” she went on.
AJ didn’t know this girl but Ronan did because he addressed her by name before asking, “Yeah, did you see him recently?”
“No. He left about half an hour ago.”
“What?” AJ cried.
Ronan turned to look at him. AJ guessed he had probably practically screamed. But he didn’t care. “He left?” he managed, in a slightly lower voice.
“Yeah, he just put his shoes back on and went out the door.” She pointed, but AJ didn’t look. He knew exactly where the door was. He just couldn’t conceive why Soohyun would walk out of it. Without him. No, he could. Soohyun was jetlagged and tired, in this loud place with all kinds of people he didn’t know speaking a language he couldn’t understand. All he had had to anchor him was AJ, but AJ had been distracted. It had been a terrible idea to bring him here. They should’ve spent a quiet night in the room instead, maybe saved this kind of activity for later, if that. AJ had wanted to show off his friends, his world, but instead he’d just showed Soohyun how awful it could be. So Soohyun had left. Into the New York night where he could get lost, or get mugged, or…
AJ ran to the door, and shoved on his shoes and coat. Ronan followed him. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked.
“No, I’m fine,” AJ answered.
“You sure?”
“Yes.” AJ’s hand was already on the door knob.
“Text me when you find him,” Ronan said. “Like, actually. Don’t forget. Or I will worry and then I’ll go out to find the both of you.”
“Okay, I will.”
AJ rushed down the stairs and then out onto the street. Luckily he’d given Soohyun a key right away as well as made sure he paid attention when they first left the dorm, pointing out landmarks. Maybe he’d be fine… Yeah right. AJ had abandoned him in a room full of strangers, and now he was out on the darkened sidewalks where there were even more strangers. He should never have brought him there. He’d thought it’d be tamer, that it would be smaller and less stressful… but Ronan had had other plans. And so had Ronan’s roommate, who AJ knew Ronan didn’t like but lived with anyway because it was cheaper. He blew out a gust of air. Ronan was Ronan. The fault was still AJ’s.
He wound his way down street after street, combing back and forth, but finding no one who even remotely resembled Soohyun. He felt like crying. But that wouldn’t help. He couldn’t look for Soohyun if his eyes were full of tears. He was scared. But he knew Soohyun must be even more scared, wherever he was, cold and alone. If he was even still alone. New York was a dangerous place. Someone could’ve found him, and… and done who knows what with him… something with knives… or guns… Did Soohyun even know to dial 911? Did he even have his phone? He wouldn’t even be able to ask anyone for help. Maybe, assuming he wasn’t attacked, he’d be able to get someone passing by to direct him to the university. Hopefully he would know enough to go there. AJ was going back there now, having given up after searching everywhere else. Luckily Ronan’s place was close by.
He hurried up the stairs and pushed open his door, and then froze. Because Soohyun was already there, standing and staring back at him, his hair wet from the shower. AJ stayed rooted to the spot. He almost felt like yelling again. Relief hadn’t sunk in yet. His jaw wouldn’t open. Finally he managed to force out, “Soohyun, you’re-you’re here.”
Soohyun blinked a few times, staring at AJ before throwing a towel over his head to dry his hair. "Yeah, and so are you."
AJ finally got himself to move and closed the door behind him. Of course Soohyun was pissed at him, and coming in with his Captain Obvious line hadn't helped. He took a deep breath and then said, "You really scared me. I didn't know where you had gone, or if you were okay."
At that Soohyun paused, staring at the ground, tiny beads of water dripping down his neck. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"No, Soohyun, that's..." AJ cut himself off, trying again. "I'm really glad you made it back alright. It's kind of amazing, actually." AJ took a step closer. "But, Soohyun, I'm really sorry. I should never have dragged you to that stupid party. Or I should've dragged you out of it as soon as it got to be too much. I'm so sorry."
"No, it's okay," Soohyun said, turning away to hide his face. "I got to see some of your friends and meet people. I got to know Ronan a bit more..." Soohyun trailed off, voice muffled by the towel. He didn't think AJ would mind that much anyway.
AJ was getting frustrated. It wasn't okay. Soohyun needed to stop pretending it was. But what Soohyun had done wasn't okay either. "Why did you leave without telling me?" he asked.
Taking a deep breath, Soohyun pulled the towel off his head, forcing a smile back onto his face before he turned around. "Because you looked like you were having fun. I knew the way back and I had a key so I didn't see the point in bothering you."
"Soohyun! No! That's not what it's like! How could you think that?” AJ yelled, then mentally slapped himself. Yell at the depressed person. Great plan. "Soohyun, you don't bother me," AJ said, softer but firmly. "You never bother me. You're a part of my life, no matter where I am. Okay?"
Soohyun flinched at AJ's sudden outburst, carefully sculpted facade cracking ever so slightly. "I don't know what you're talking about, but okay. I'll make sure to let you know next time I go somewhere."
“Goddamnit Soohyun,” AJ said. Then he did what he had wanted to do from the first moment he had entered the room: he pulled Soohyun against him. “It’s okay to be upset with me,” he said. “Believe me, I’m upset with myself, so…” He nuzzled Soohyun’s wet hair, finding it smelling like his brand of shampoo. He was glad that Soohyun had located that and the towel for himself. But those were unimportant thoughts. “You must have been feeling really bad to have left like that, huh?” he said. Maybe that would get Soohyun to talk more. Maybe.
The towel dropped to the floor, making a soft thud in the otherwise silent room. Soohyun’s chest suddenly felt unbearably tight. His eyes slammed shut to force back the emotions brewing just below the surface. He didn’t want to… couldn’t… if he was mad at AJ, if AJ left him, he would have no one. He shook his head slowly, ignoring the way AJ’s skin rubbed against his own.
AJ rubbed Soohyun’s back. “It’s hard being here, yeah? You want to see me so bad and then it takes so long to get here, and then I abandon you with people you don’t know, who you can’t even talk to. Ronan means well, but…” AJ shook his head, as much as he could pressed up against Soohyun. “I’m sorry.” He exhaled. “But it’s okay, Soohyun. It’s okay to not be okay.”
“Stop it…” Soohyun whispered, voice shaking with the effort to keep the tears back. “Just stop it.” He pushed AJ away and stumbled backwards, stopping when his back hit the wall. “Stop forcing yourself.” Soohyun’s voice choked, tears running in thick streaks down his face. “I know I’m not okay and I don’t need you to tell me that. I know I’m not okay and I don’t need you to pity me. So just leave me alone.” He wrapped his arms around his stomach, holding himself together; his voice was barely a whisper. “I shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake.”
Hearing Soohyun sob was one thing. It had made AJ’s heart shatter. But seeing it… AJ clenched his hands into fists in an attempt to keep himself from breaking down too. That wouldn’t solve anything. “Soohyun…” he murmured. “I want you here. I do. I…” His throat clenched and he looked away for a second. He had finally convinced Soohyun of that, convinced him to come here. Had he managed to ruin all that, all in one night? “I don’t pity you and I don’t…” His voice caught. “And I don’t want to leave you alone.” Tears stung his eyes. He knew he couldn’t hold them off for much longer. “I care about you, Soohyun. So much. So, please…” He shook his head, attempting to take a deep breath but only managing to sniffle. He whispered, “You can hate me all you want, but please, don’t hate yourself.” Then the tears started to fall and he couldn’t stop them.
Clutching himself even tighter, Soohyun sank slowly to the floor, sliding against the wall until he hit the ground. Now AJ was crying, and it was his fault. Everything was always his fault. He let out a sob and curled tighter into a ball, fingers digging into fabric to try and get a better grip. “No… No! NO!” He knew he was yelling, he knew he was being too loud, but he couldn’t force himself to care. Nothing mattered anymore. “STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE TO ME!”
“No, I won’t,” AJ said calmly, completely unfazed. He dared to come a little closer. “I won’t ever stop, Soohyun.” He knelt in front of him. “Why can’t I be nice to you, Soohyun? Why not?”
Soohyun pushed himself closer to the wall, trying to escape, but there was no way out and AJ just kept looking at him with those same, broken eyes. He pressed his head between his knees and laced his arms above his head. He couldn’t fall apart, he couldn’t. But he could at least tell AJ the truth, even if it hurt to say. Even if he knew AJ was going to argue. He took a deep, shuddering breath before murmuring to the floor. “Because I don’t deserve it.” His voice became even quieter, nearly impossible to hear. “I don’t deserve you.”
AJ laid his hands on Soohyun’s exposed arms. “Says who?” he asked softly. “Says you? Well, you’re wrong. I want to be there for you, Soohyun. I want that. I decided that. And I’m not changing my mind.”
“You can’t know that.” Soohyun sniffled a bit, keeping his head buried and the rest of him firmly in place. “And I don’t want to be hurt again.”
"I would never hurt you," he said. Then he grimaced. Except he had hurt Soohyun already, tonight. "Nothing will stop me from caring about you, Soohyun. Nothing. Not all the oceans that have been between us, and not... me being an idiot. So..." AJ's hands shifted closer to Soohyun's, beginning the process of prying him apart. "Please..."
Soohyun let AJ pull one of his wrists back, turning his face to the side to bury it in his other arm. He kept trying to convince himself to run away, to pull away, to push AJ away, something. But he couldn’t do it. A little voice in the back of his head kept calling out to him, reminding him of everything AJ had done: at the hotel, through the letters, the sweatshirt, caring for him like no one else had done. Maybe it was time he stopped denying himself what he so obviously needed. He trusted AJ, more than anyone else. He liked talking to him, being with him, everything about him, the way his eyes curved when he smiled, the strong shoulders and knowledgeable words. Soohyun needed comfort and protection, someone to be there for him when the entire world seemed to be going the opposite way. AJ fit that role perfectly, seemed willing to do it, practically begged Soohyun to let him help. So why was he still resisting?
He needed to let go. He needed AJ.
Not even bothering to wipe his eyes, Soohyun lifted his head, staring up at AJ with a pleading expression. He didn’t know what to say, or do, he just hoped that AJ would understand.
Very slowly, AJ leaned in and kissed him on the forehead. “You’re not alone, Soohyun,” he whispered, keeping his face close to Soohyun’s skin. “And you don’t need to be. I’m here for you. Always. And you can talk to me about anything, everything. And it’ll be okay. Because…” He took both of Soohyun’s hands in his own. “We’ll work through it together, okay?”
Soohyun nodded his head slowly, still in a daze, skin hot and tingling from where AJ’s lips had been. Using AJ’s hold on his hands, Soohyun pulled the other boy forward, not stopping until their chests bumped together. He tilted his head and pressed his lips to the side of AJ’s neck. “Okay, AJ.” He sighed then pushed AJ backwards, settling between the other boy’s legs and leaning against his chest. “Okay.” Strong arms wrapped around him and Soohyun let himself breathe, burrowing closer into AJ’s warmth before closing his eyes. His head was throbbing and his eyes itched. Any energy that had been left over after the plane ride was now gone along with his drying tears.
AJ finally allowed himself to breathe again. The way Soohyun had them positioned had definitely made him feel… things, especially when Soohyun’s lips had brushed his neck… But now the tingling feeling left his body and he was at peace along with sleeping Soohyun. He watched him for a while, how long, he wasn’t sure. But then his legs fell asleep-which was a bad kind of tingle-and he knew he should move them both. Very carefully, he shifted Soohyun’s body sideways so that he could lift him across his arms. He carried him and set him down on the bed, pausing for a few seconds to make sure Soohyun was still asleep. It was difficult to wrestle the covers up and over Soohyun since he was already on top of most of them, but he managed. Once he was fully under them, Soohyun rolled over so that his serenely sleeping face was towards AJ, as he continued breathing evenly. AJ smiled, reaching forward to smooth the still damp hair from his friend’s forehead. He froze after doing so, and not just because he was afraid of waking Soohyun up. Was that going too far? Had he already gone too far? But it had felt so natural, leaning in to kiss Soohyun like that. And Soohyun’s skin had felt so warm… And, looking down at him now, his lips looked just as warm, and soft…
AJ shook his head, going over to his dresser. He was going to go take a shower, possibly at a lower temperature than normal, and then he would sleep too.
~*~*~*~*~
A/N: How many times can you use the f-word before it’s no longer PG-13? >_< Well, I think you all already knew what you were getting into.