Particles of Light, Chapter 18: Just Give Me A Moment
Title: Chapter 18 - Just Give Me A Moment
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, no harm is intended
CHAPTER 18
Just Give Me A Moment
Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss,
Coffee smell and lilac skin, your flame in me.
I know everybody here wants you.
I know everybody here thinks he needs you.
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away.
Such a thing of wonder in this crowd,
Don't you see, don't you see?
You're just the torch to put the flame
to all our guilt and shame,
And I'll rise like an ember in your name.
I'm a stranger in this town, but you're free with me.
And our eyes locked in downcast love, I sit here proud,
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me.
I'm only here for this moment.
The perverse nature of unpredictability..... The phrase ran through Reese’s mind when her hands flew off the glass in front of her. She wondered briefly where she’d heard the phrase, and what the rest of it was. Her subconscious knew what it meant, apparently, even if she didn’t. That was good enough for her, under the circumstances.
She rose up from her the barstool, her gait steadied a bit as she walked to the door. She was making a conscious decision to leave her drink where it was set down by the bartender, and while that felt good, she was still panicked and shaky. She headed to her car, relieved there hadn’t been so much as a lip in contact with her glass. She was calmer, starting to be under control, the rising tide of panic reversing frustratingly slower than it had washed over her to begin with. As she fumbled with her keys, her thoughts were only of Charlie. And, all the ways she could get what she’d just left in the bar from his body.
It’s called a Sure Thing.
As Dani headed her car towards the canyon, she made empty promises to herself, so familiar they were known by heart. Full of the long-unfulfilled intention of giving up flesh to flesh. Mouth on mouth. Or, the unfamiliarity of another body, crushing away doubt and feeling into a million tiny pieces. But, her ego told her these were new promises. Newer than the distant morning sun.
Just this one last time.
Charlie was still staring at his underwater hands, freckled and beginning to line a bit with age, when he heard a car in the middle of the canyon. Heart beating fast and hard at the unexpected potential danger, he jumped out of the pool in one long movement, water flying everywhere as he wrapped himself in a large blue towel. Seconds later, he saw lights come up the dirt road, turning onto the long paved driveway. He ducked down behind manmade boulders, feeling the ghost of past vulnerability sweep unkind fingers across his damp skin and wet bare feet, his hands weaponless, his heart full and heavy with fear.
He listened intently as he heard the door slam shut and soft footfalls that indicated a woman, and he briefly thought of Jen or Connie before recognizing the cadence of a slightly tomboy-ish walk. Sighing relief at his partner’s presence, he stood upright, holding the generous towel securely; zen wisdom contends he who makes the top of a hill his home need no trunks.
As his eyes focused in on her, she was nearly to his front door and though her back was to him, he could tell something was wrong.
Reese pushed her legs hard. Each step was a journey in itself, which seemed so zen to her she grimaced. When she reached the door, small fist emerging from the long cuff of her leather jacket, she stopped to catch her breath.
She heard a voice from behind her back, spun around and instinctively put her hand to her hip on a phantom gun before realizing with a groan of relief it was just Charlie.
“Jeeeeesus Christ.” She breathed hard, hand resting on her hip as she bent forward a bit to take in the passing shock. She was sure she was going to have a heart attack.
“Reese? Are you okay, Reese?” Charlie was over to her in a few long strides, still carefully clutching his towel.
“Yeah..Came up to……wow. That really….scared…shit.”
“I’ll….let us in and go put some clothes on. Come on…” He walked around her, leaving a wide distance between the two of them in case she was scared.
She followed him into the kitchen through the side door, leaving her in the darkened room with a glass of water and some pear slices while he ran upstairs to change.
He listened to her soft boots falling on the marble floor while she paced around the kitchen nervously while he dried himself off a bit and put on cords and t-shirt. He also brought down a cashmere throw for her, in case she was cold.
She refused it with a stern look.
That’s better, he thought. That’s Dani.
She walked away from the island and out onto a small flagstone area just outside the kitchen. She needed air. Space to run, just in case.
“Do you wanna talk, Reese? Or, do you maybe just want to say nothing. I can put some music on and make some food if you’re hungry, get your mind somewhere else. When I’m stuck thinking too much, I eat. Or, you know…. Or, I can listen and I promise to not say anything, like rambling or any of that stuff because you know sometimes….”
“Charlie.”
She turned as far away as she could from him in an effort to hide the tears that were welling up, that she was fighting with all her heart. Her soul. All her resolve, coming undone.
She’d come here to use him, force him away from her so she wouldn’t have to think about him or want him or disappoint him. And, now that she was here, she just wanted to tell him. Everything. Tell him she fucked up. So hard. And, that she’d destroy him too if given the chance. That he should run from her, run from whatever awful thing she was about to do. That thought made it harder to keep the tears at bay, and one large drop slid down her face, hanging off her nose. She tried to find a way to wipe it off without him seeing, even behind her.
Taking a deep breath, she composed herself. Fast.
She turned to him, looking right into his eyes, dark flints burning intense and slowly wound a magnetic, hypnotic path to him.
“Charlie? Talking dunnt help me. Ever....” Her stomach turned still unsteady with the last traces of panic. She knew she was about to ensnare herself along with her victim and she wondered what it would cost her. But, mostly, what it might cost him.
Charlie exhaled sharply, his eyes fluttering closed and rolling back a bit when she slipped her hand under his shirt in the dark. He felt like he was back in the pool, the cool weightlessness of the water enveloping him as her hands wound their way around his stomach, his chest, his sides, his back. Everywhere at once, tiny cool hands.
“Dani. Dani….I think we…”
Her mouth was on his to silence him and he bent his head down awkwardly to reach her. He was still trying to rationalize things and make sure she was okay while she sucked his bottom lip into her mouth, trapping it between her two lips and licking it.
“Ahhhh…..mmmm fffnnnk weeeehhhh slllllddd tttakk abutthhhh…”
Jesus Christ, who can still talk like this? She sighed, exasperated as she let him go, releasing a now swollen and red lower lip.
“It’s not a mistake.” She pushed herself towards him again.
Pressing up on her boots, she reached mouth up to his, grabbing his tongue this time, pulling it into her own mouth where she sucked on it, manually rendering him incapable of speech.
But, this time, she felt his doubt wash away, right under her hands as she snaked them down into his unbelted pants. She felt him come alive underneath her touch, in her mouth, against her and when she felt his long arms encircle her body and opened her eyes to see he’d never closed his, she knew this was going to happen. She was going to have her moment. There was no going back. There was only this.
She’s done this before. Been skin to skin with a man, the only light from the moon. The only feeling in that skin is dark and empty and limitless. But, this time, it’s her partner’s body, his skin. Skin she can close her eyes and smell across their shared car, just as she can smell it now, warm with pool water and citrus and raging desire. She needs to touch him, to smell him, so she can come back, be reinvented, to fall down that dark well of wrong and claw her way back up.
She’s crashing against him, her nails unknowingly scraping at the ink on his chest as if it were more clothing she’s un-layering. And, then her arms are flying out from under his, denying his body’s quickly fading requests to slow down, asking her why. But, she refuses to be reigned in, rejects the why.
Why isn’t allowed here. Only that familiar moment, only control. Sensation.
He’s got his hands in her hair, tugging and maybe trapped, she thinks. A warm, white hand twisting in hair that’s soft and dark like jet contrail. Each time she feels the tug on her scalp, it’s like she’s coming undone, one strand at a time. One little strand at a time.
Only, this time it’s Charlie. Charlie. His mouth, his tongue and lips tasting hers, wordlessly telling her how much he wants and needs, how much he lives and dies. All for one touch of her lips. And, because it’s Charlie, his softly swollen mouth feels wrong at first. Just at first.
But, then something changes. He leans into her body, mouth still on hers, hands holding her in flightless grip like she’s seen him do a dozen times with criminals. Controlling, assured. And that’s when she knows.
Knows he’s going to hold her accountable for this, to make her explain it to him with her body, to show him why she came. Why she changed her mind. Her eyes open briefly, his lips still on hers, a soft, wet gently deliberate tongue defying her not to enjoy his mouth for more than escapism. Defying her not to think of it as an invitation, as a question to be answered back. Will you let me inside you? She looks through him like he’s vapor. But, what she resists, she sees clearly. Full and clear, like the glassy cornflower blue iris the moon channels itself through from the side. Particles of light that share his eye and her skin as they pass through. The air is sucked out of the room, out of her lungs. She can only feel her mouth, everything is numb and for a second she’s limp, Charlie’s lips on hers, opening her slack mouth wide for her while he breathes into her, body demandingly pressing against hers, searing hot tongue mechanizing the words. I love you.
She’s reeling. Heart pounding, ready to fly. Fly away and back to what she knows. To her destruction.
You heard me.
The words transfer from his mouth to hers like he’s released a phantom, ripping down her throat, stealing her breath. Knocking away all the hidden dark corners of safe harbor and filling them with gold light that she’s resisting, trying to squelch out.
Her desperate hands, her lips are grabbing, searching for some little safe familiarity.
But, there’s nothing here but new.
Before she can think, before she can stop this runaway train she’s let loose, his hands are on her neck, caressing her skin, plotting out a pathway for his mouth. And, when it gets there, it’s hot and wet and perfect in every way.
Except one.
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. She’s supposed to be in control, guiding and forcing and grabbing and tolerating. But, this isn’t like that. She’s limp, but he’s got her, arms around her to keep her from falling and she feels him move a long thigh between her legs to steady her more as her head lolls back and forth in some kind of comic display of disbelief.
And, now he’s licking her neck, the whole length from clavicle to chin. And if he’s talking still, she can’t hear it. All she can feel is some faint, delicious vibration from his mouth that tells her he’s at least moaning into her flesh, if not speaking. When his mouth finally reaches her ear, she’s not quite sure this was a good idea at all. The lack of control seems complete, as if she’s been paralyzed.
You heard me.
It’s enters her ear in a rush of hot breath, tongue slipping down to tickle the spot where neck becomes ear as he pushes himself against her, showing her. Showing her how hard he is for her, how much he wants her, has wanted her. There’s nobody else in the city. On earth.
She feels him. Oh, she feels him. She wonders if it’s going to be this good all the way through or maybe she’ll be unconscious by the time they get there.
Before she can think too much, he’s picked her up off the ground, wrapping her legs around his waist and he’s walking inside to the kitchen. She wraps weightless arms around his neck while he unbuttons her shirt, and she looks down at his hands like it’s a dream. It’s not.
Her chest exposed, shirt peeled back, he’s on her. His mouth, his hands, his face. She can’t tell if she’s actually breathing or not. But, she feels something. She feels something.
Legs still wrapped around him, she looks down at him, tender mouth closed softly around her nipple, drawing her in gently. She can see his face in the moonlight streaming in through the skylight above them. Closed lids, cheekbones, but that’s all.
It’s him. HIS face. Charlie. Her Charlie. This is really happening. And, she knows now what she feels.
She feels real. She feels safe.
Realizing she’s done nothing to reciprocate in quite a while, she moves her hands down his chest, palming muscle and sinew and hip until she’s rubbing him through his pants, making him even harder, her other hand snaking down the back of his pants, clutching as much flesh as her small hand can grab, pushing him closer to her body, her hand moving between them. Somehow, this draws out tortured sighs and whimpers from the mouth still connected to her.
She’s not too sure how they got upstairs, or how they got out of their clothes, but she remembers a slight trail on the stairs.
But, that somehow is already distant past as she's sitting on his lap a bit, her back to him, leaning while he rocks them back and forth, his arms encircling her, face buried in her dark hair. She reaches around for him, over her own shoulders, hands coming to rest in his short hair while she feels both of his hands slide down over her breasts, down her ribcage and stomach and between her legs, long warm fingers testing and opening and gliding along while his erection pressed behind her, happily trapped between his stomach and her back, his hips gently rising towards her involuntarily.
Weightless, she looks up at the night sky through the window, the stars so bright up here.
When she could barely see them down in the city.
TBC