Particles of Light, Chapter Eight: Canyons and Concrete
Title: Chapter Eight-Canyons and Concrete
Rating: M, just in case
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, no harm intended
Dani has her own bad night. But, this time, minus tattoos.
Canyons and Concrete
“The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.”
-Zen Buddhist saying
The unknown story of Mrs. Bathrobe’s life ended - at least for Detectives Reese and Crews - with about two hours of paperwork. Exhausted, Reese went home first, followed by Crews 15 minutes later. It was about 3 a.m. when Reese arrived at her apartment and she was so tired that she was aware of every empty, tinny footstep her boots made on the concrete pavement leading up to her front porch.
Reese opened the hollow door and dropped her jacket and bag on the couch while looking around at a pile of dirty laundry and a sink with a dish and plastic cup eagerly awaiting water and soap. Going to the fridge for a quick glass of cold water, she made her way to the bedroom, stripping off her murder-dirty clothes along the way, one item at a time. Once she reached the bed, she was completely disrobed and relished cool scratchiness of the semi-clean sheets against her skin. She should have been able to fall asleep peacefully, but in this strange time between being fully awake and sleep, Reese had an unwelcome visitor. A visitor who filled her brain with a series of disconnected thoughts which gave her a headache and made her calm heart surge and race.
Ah, here you are. Did you think you could lose me, again? Think you could lose me in The Job? In your nightly run? In your new partner? I’ve been here allll week long. Just waiting for you. Here I am.
So, are we ready? Are we ready to go? Ready to go down the rabbit hole? Where shall we start tonight? Maybe back when we were 8 and dad left and didn’t come home for two weeks? Or, maybe when you were undercover? Remember that? When you really fucked up, bad? I mean, you’re good at fucking up, babe, but that was BAD. Remember that?
Reese’s eyes were fully open now and she’d shifted to her back, staring at the cottage cheese ceiling which kept no sound out and therefore served no aesthetic or practical function. But, her visitor continued on, relentless, with a whispery voice which made the nerves in her sinus cavity tingle.
Let’s talk about your partner, then. THAT seems to be something on your mind a lot, lately. Oh he’s cute, don’t you think? I mean, he’s CUTE. No? Oh, well, I think he is. See how he looks at you sometimes, like he’s taking in something clean and new with his eyes? Like he’s trying to breathe you in. No? Okay, then. Let’s talk about how you relate to him. He’s damaged goods, just like you, isn’t he? Been sullied by fate. Probably had the spirit beaten out of him, too, but he’d never tell you that. Think he was raped in jail? Probably. He probably wears that all over like a thin coating of hate. Wonder if he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be good after that kind of thing. Kind of like when you went undercover. But, you were just doing your job, right? Yeah, I bet he carries that hatred around for himself, just like someone I know. Only, his isn’t justified. He was a victim. He probably knows that, but I think he carries that around with him like a weeping wound, infected with all sorts of darkness. Like a kind of destructive mea cupla…..you think a man like him - and, let’s face it, unlike you, he’s GOOD - goes through that kind of hell and doesn’t buy into it on some level? Doesn’t buy into the idea that he’s deserving of all that shit on some level?
Disgusted, Dani got up and went into the bathroom searching for some Nyquil she knew she had somewhere, even if she couldn’t remember exactly which place she’d last seen the bottle.
Oh, is THAT how it’s going to be, then? Avoiding me for yet another night. Well, before you sign off, I have a few jewels for you. You’re nothing without me, babe. I keep you whole. I keep you safe. I keep you….YOU. And, if you don’t like that, you just try living without me. Just try functioning without me. Where would you be? You know where you’d be. YOU know. You’d be over at that big house at the top of that canyon right now. You’d have his skin on yours, his lips on your vicious little mouth. You could smell his neck like you keep thinking about, run your tongue across his Adam’s apple. Hey, remember the other day in the car when you wondered what his thigh would feel like pressed between your legs? Well, you could do THAT. And, then you could tell him nothing you think, nothing you feel. You could make him believe anything in the world without opening your mouth and saying a cold word. You could control him. Make him feel everything you can’t. You could struggle with him until he holds your face still and calms you down and he could be inside of you, bringing you to that dead, white destruction. And, you’d just love that, wouldn’t you? You’d love it because it would be him there with you, him inside of you, breaking you apart into a million pieces. Maybe when you came back, he’d still be there. Maybe you could do it anytime you wanted. Maybe he’d still be there with you…..You know what you want more than anything, don’t you? Connection. Control? Maybe. But, connection. You want to BELONG. God, how pathetic ARE you? You’re just too weak to believe me. Nevermind. It aint gonna happen, anyway. Because you’re not good. You’re not good. You never were. And, you’ll never be. But, go ahead and start messing with your partner. See what happens. What happens to HIM. See what you could destroy with your black heart for him.
For Charlie.
The pill stuck in her throat a bit and she coughed when it finally slid down, helped by cold tap water. Never turning on the light, Reese looked at her reflection in her small mirror. Hair messed and circles under her eyes, she looked like a woman who needed sleep.
She was cold, and by the time she put on her pants and tank top, she almost asleep. She crawled into bed and allowed herself to fold away into the night, into sleep. She was drifting.
You could go over there. Right now. Or, well, that’s probably not a good idea. But, the liquor store on the corner isn’t there? Not quite warm flesh, not quite hipbones grinding into yours or lips on your back, your neck. Not quite that THING you’re looking for. I don’t have to tell you that a drink won’t do that for you. But, it would feel warm and slippery going down your esophagus and then you wouldn’t have to think about ANYTHING. For a little while. For a little while……But, I’ll be back. And, you’ll believe every word I have to say to you. Because, I’m right and you’re wrong. And, I’ll never let you see anything I don’t want you to. You’re weak, and you don’t know how to live without me. You’ll never see anything I don’t want you to. If you think you see a glimpse of someone who lived in some kind of crystal core of light, someone who knew possibility or beauty, someone who felt guided by her own voice, her own path and her own goodness, I will reach out and put my fists around your eyes because that will be a lie. You were never that person. You were NEVER good.
Reese sleepily reached her hand to the side table and grabbed her phone.
Charlie was trying in vain to eject a piece of mango pulp from between two teeth with dental floss when the phone rang. He did a nervous dance between the bathroom and his phone on the nightstand when he realized that the floss was now stuck.
The phone continued to ring and so he made the executive decision to let go of the floss, allowing it to dangle goofily between the two teeth while he answered the phone.
He saw it was Reese’s cell before he answered.
“Hey, Reese. What’s up?”
“Crews? Uh. Nothing. I was calling to see if you are still there. I’m going to sleep and before I fall asleep, I wanted to ask you if you are there. Are you there, Crews?”
Charlie was caught off guard by the combination of sleepiness and something he didn't recognize in her voice.
“I’m here, Reese. Right here.”
“Good. I’m asleep now.”
The phone clicked and he put down his own phone in its cradle. The phantom hand returned to his sternum.
“I’m here, Reese.”
Charlie stood in his room, a confused dental floss vampire, and looked out into the canyon, as if he could catch a glimpse of his partner’s beauty from his window.
Rating: M, just in case
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, no harm intended
Dani has her own bad night. But, this time, minus tattoos.
Canyons and Concrete
“The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.”
-Zen Buddhist saying
The unknown story of Mrs. Bathrobe’s life ended - at least for Detectives Reese and Crews - with about two hours of paperwork. Exhausted, Reese went home first, followed by Crews 15 minutes later. It was about 3 a.m. when Reese arrived at her apartment and she was so tired that she was aware of every empty, tinny footstep her boots made on the concrete pavement leading up to her front porch.
Reese opened the hollow door and dropped her jacket and bag on the couch while looking around at a pile of dirty laundry and a sink with a dish and plastic cup eagerly awaiting water and soap. Going to the fridge for a quick glass of cold water, she made her way to the bedroom, stripping off her murder-dirty clothes along the way, one item at a time. Once she reached the bed, she was completely disrobed and relished cool scratchiness of the semi-clean sheets against her skin. She should have been able to fall asleep peacefully, but in this strange time between being fully awake and sleep, Reese had an unwelcome visitor. A visitor who filled her brain with a series of disconnected thoughts which gave her a headache and made her calm heart surge and race.
Ah, here you are. Did you think you could lose me, again? Think you could lose me in The Job? In your nightly run? In your new partner? I’ve been here allll week long. Just waiting for you. Here I am.
So, are we ready? Are we ready to go? Ready to go down the rabbit hole? Where shall we start tonight? Maybe back when we were 8 and dad left and didn’t come home for two weeks? Or, maybe when you were undercover? Remember that? When you really fucked up, bad? I mean, you’re good at fucking up, babe, but that was BAD. Remember that?
Reese’s eyes were fully open now and she’d shifted to her back, staring at the cottage cheese ceiling which kept no sound out and therefore served no aesthetic or practical function. But, her visitor continued on, relentless, with a whispery voice which made the nerves in her sinus cavity tingle.
Let’s talk about your partner, then. THAT seems to be something on your mind a lot, lately. Oh he’s cute, don’t you think? I mean, he’s CUTE. No? Oh, well, I think he is. See how he looks at you sometimes, like he’s taking in something clean and new with his eyes? Like he’s trying to breathe you in. No? Okay, then. Let’s talk about how you relate to him. He’s damaged goods, just like you, isn’t he? Been sullied by fate. Probably had the spirit beaten out of him, too, but he’d never tell you that. Think he was raped in jail? Probably. He probably wears that all over like a thin coating of hate. Wonder if he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be good after that kind of thing. Kind of like when you went undercover. But, you were just doing your job, right? Yeah, I bet he carries that hatred around for himself, just like someone I know. Only, his isn’t justified. He was a victim. He probably knows that, but I think he carries that around with him like a weeping wound, infected with all sorts of darkness. Like a kind of destructive mea cupla…..you think a man like him - and, let’s face it, unlike you, he’s GOOD - goes through that kind of hell and doesn’t buy into it on some level? Doesn’t buy into the idea that he’s deserving of all that shit on some level?
Disgusted, Dani got up and went into the bathroom searching for some Nyquil she knew she had somewhere, even if she couldn’t remember exactly which place she’d last seen the bottle.
Oh, is THAT how it’s going to be, then? Avoiding me for yet another night. Well, before you sign off, I have a few jewels for you. You’re nothing without me, babe. I keep you whole. I keep you safe. I keep you….YOU. And, if you don’t like that, you just try living without me. Just try functioning without me. Where would you be? You know where you’d be. YOU know. You’d be over at that big house at the top of that canyon right now. You’d have his skin on yours, his lips on your vicious little mouth. You could smell his neck like you keep thinking about, run your tongue across his Adam’s apple. Hey, remember the other day in the car when you wondered what his thigh would feel like pressed between your legs? Well, you could do THAT. And, then you could tell him nothing you think, nothing you feel. You could make him believe anything in the world without opening your mouth and saying a cold word. You could control him. Make him feel everything you can’t. You could struggle with him until he holds your face still and calms you down and he could be inside of you, bringing you to that dead, white destruction. And, you’d just love that, wouldn’t you? You’d love it because it would be him there with you, him inside of you, breaking you apart into a million pieces. Maybe when you came back, he’d still be there. Maybe you could do it anytime you wanted. Maybe he’d still be there with you…..You know what you want more than anything, don’t you? Connection. Control? Maybe. But, connection. You want to BELONG. God, how pathetic ARE you? You’re just too weak to believe me. Nevermind. It aint gonna happen, anyway. Because you’re not good. You’re not good. You never were. And, you’ll never be. But, go ahead and start messing with your partner. See what happens. What happens to HIM. See what you could destroy with your black heart for him.
For Charlie.
The pill stuck in her throat a bit and she coughed when it finally slid down, helped by cold tap water. Never turning on the light, Reese looked at her reflection in her small mirror. Hair messed and circles under her eyes, she looked like a woman who needed sleep.
She was cold, and by the time she put on her pants and tank top, she almost asleep. She crawled into bed and allowed herself to fold away into the night, into sleep. She was drifting.
You could go over there. Right now. Or, well, that’s probably not a good idea. But, the liquor store on the corner isn’t there? Not quite warm flesh, not quite hipbones grinding into yours or lips on your back, your neck. Not quite that THING you’re looking for. I don’t have to tell you that a drink won’t do that for you. But, it would feel warm and slippery going down your esophagus and then you wouldn’t have to think about ANYTHING. For a little while. For a little while……But, I’ll be back. And, you’ll believe every word I have to say to you. Because, I’m right and you’re wrong. And, I’ll never let you see anything I don’t want you to. You’re weak, and you don’t know how to live without me. You’ll never see anything I don’t want you to. If you think you see a glimpse of someone who lived in some kind of crystal core of light, someone who knew possibility or beauty, someone who felt guided by her own voice, her own path and her own goodness, I will reach out and put my fists around your eyes because that will be a lie. You were never that person. You were NEVER good.
Reese sleepily reached her hand to the side table and grabbed her phone.
Charlie was trying in vain to eject a piece of mango pulp from between two teeth with dental floss when the phone rang. He did a nervous dance between the bathroom and his phone on the nightstand when he realized that the floss was now stuck.
The phone continued to ring and so he made the executive decision to let go of the floss, allowing it to dangle goofily between the two teeth while he answered the phone.
He saw it was Reese’s cell before he answered.
“Hey, Reese. What’s up?”
“Crews? Uh. Nothing. I was calling to see if you are still there. I’m going to sleep and before I fall asleep, I wanted to ask you if you are there. Are you there, Crews?”
Charlie was caught off guard by the combination of sleepiness and something he didn't recognize in her voice.
“I’m here, Reese. Right here.”
“Good. I’m asleep now.”
The phone clicked and he put down his own phone in its cradle. The phantom hand returned to his sternum.
“I’m here, Reese.”
Charlie stood in his room, a confused dental floss vampire, and looked out into the canyon, as if he could catch a glimpse of his partner’s beauty from his window.