Particles of Light, Chapter 16: Particles of Light
Title: Chapter 16 - Particles of Light
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not mine, no harm intended
Spoilers: As always, light spoilers of Season 1 might appear
A/N: This is another LONG chapter, so bear with me. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 16
Particles of Light
You’re standing in a deep, dark hole/Beneath a sky as black as coal/It’s just the fear of losing control
I’d juggle you like a diplomat/Desolate in anger and safe in isolation/Lose your way/It’s a pleasure when you’re in my command
Don’t miss it when the moment comes/Be submissive, just this once
-Neil Finn
She’s done this before. Been skin to skin with a man, the only light from the moon. The only feeling in that skin is dark and empty and limitless. She needs it so she can come back, be reinvented, to fall down that dark well of wrong and claw her way back up. She’s crashing against him, her nails scraping at the ink on his chest as if it were more clothing she’s unpeeling. And, then her arms are flying out from under his, denying his body’s requests to slow down, asking her why. But, she refuses to be reigned in, rejects the why.
Why isn’t allowed here. Only that familiar moment, only control. Sensation.
He’s got his hands in her hair, tugging and maybe trapped, she thinks. A warm, white hand twisting in hair that’s soft and dark like jet contrail. Each time she feels the tug on her scalp, it’s like she’s coming undone, one strand at a time. One little strand at a time.
And, his warm, wet mouth on hers, salty and tongue sweet. And, his lips, swollen from clumsy teeth, feel wrong at first.
But, then something changes. He leans into her body, mouth still on hers, hands holding her in flightless grip. And that’s when she knows.
Knows he’s going to hold her accountable for this, to make her explain it to him with her body, to show him why. Her eyes open briefly, his mouth still on hers. She looks through him like he’s vapor. But, what she resists, she sees clearly. Full and clear, like the glassy cornflower blue iris the moon channels itself through from the side. Particles of light that share his eye and her skin as they pass through. The air is sucked out of the room, out of her lungs. She can only feel her mouth, everything is numb and for a second she’s limp, his lips on hers, opening her mouth wide for her while he breathes into her, searing hot tongue mechanizing the words. Just look at me, Dani.
And, then?
Then her hands, her lips are grabbing, searching for some little safe familiarity.
But, there’s nothing here but new.
*****************************************
That week went fast. Avoidance was Reese’s modus operandi and copious fruit eating was Charlie’s.
Friday came fast, too.
Foggy dew held the promise of colder night air to come and there was definitely cold air waiting for Reese when she reached the beach at 9:30. Her partner’s car was nowhere to be seen, and she briefly regretted not letting him pick her up at her apartment. A flash of detest made its way across her temple as she waited and was quelled by concern. Charlie was never late. Charlie was always early.
Leaning on the still-warm hood of her car, she looked out over the ocean, as far as she could see into the fog. No moon tonight.
Twelve minutes later, she heard a car approaching and spun around, thankful to see Charlie driving towards her. He emerged from the car slowly, at first all legs and knees and feet, then the length of his long body unfolding, upright and straight. There was something comical that struck Reese as she watched him get out of his car. She usually saw him entering the car from the side, which seemed a bit more graceful. This was awkward, almost gangly and unrefined, not a way she would normally describe his movement.
She felt her jaw muscles tense when he turned towards her, his face glowing yellow from the glare of the overhead parking lot light. Blood. There were small droplets of blood on his face and top lip, an errant drip on his collar. It looked black in the dark light and night air.
Probably chocolate banana remnants. She comforted herself with the potential.
“Sorry I’m late. Damn.” He tilted his head up and sniffed in the cool night air, feeling it move through his septum, blinking his eyes as they watered a bit in the cold.
“Someone go for the last gallon of Mango Madness? Jeeesus….” Reese opened her car door and fished out Kleenex from her glove compartment. She tried to block out the image of Charlie in a fight, but it filled her head, came crashing into her brain like a freight train, black as night and just as cold.
Charlie in a fight over fruity ice cream.
Charlie in a fight over someone hassling him for being an ex-con.
Charlie with his face open on the shower floor in prison.
“Did you….were you hit? Is that a hit?” She scanned his face for swelling, his lips for splits.
Charlie looked at her awkwardly as he held his head back, confused for a few seconds before laughing.
“No.” His head shook from side to side as if someone had just told him something at once sweet and slightly sad. “No, Reese. I didn’t get into a fiiiight.” His tone admonished her. “I’m a cop.” His head wavered a bit and he raised a knowing eyebrow to her. “There’s no fighting in….” he paused, “…in… cops.” He looked out at the ocean with a defeated and faraway look, as if trying to figure out that even made sense.
She felt a knot form in her throat. “Yeah. Someone’s been catching up on his DVDs? No crying in baseball?”
“Yeah.” He said the word fast and loud, with a backward jerk of his head.
When the bleeding stopped, they started their long walk down to their lookout spot. When they got there, they found the tide had washed away the spot they were in the previous week, so they moved up the beach a bit, silently repeating the pit digging and positioning of the previous Friday night.
And, then, they waited.
An hour went by, the moon making a brief appearance over the water before disappearing into fog again some moments later.
Reese held her crossed arms to her chest, sighed and said, “Right. Not a fight. What, then?”
“Huh? Oh, the bleeding thing?”
“The bleeding thing.”
“Oh, that. You know, I’m kinda,” he waggled a finger at her, which she glared hard at before moving her stony gaze up to his eyes. But, he carried on unfazed, “….kinda pissed off that you’d think I was fighting instead of you know, injured.”
Reese’s eyebrows arched and her head titled as if she hadn’t heard him correctly.
“Kinda pissed off?”
Charlie did a sheepish double take at his partner before whispering, “Kinda.”
Moments fell silent until Reese continued. “Still didn’t tell me what.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sort of thinking I don’t want to disappoint you since you think it’s something like fighting……” She glared at him and this time it did faze him. Kinda.
“Um, I get nosebleeds this time of year. When the days are dry and the nights are foggy and cool. Hey, isn’t that a song? Aren’t those song lyrics, Reese. When the days are dry….”
“Not a song. Nosebleeds?”
“Yeah. I mean, not every single DAYYYYY, but nosebleeds.” He shrugged. “Guess I got, you know, a little hayfever and my sinuses get a bit dry and sensitive. And, they sometimes bleed.” He shrugged, his mouth turned into a slight frown, his eyebrows raised up a bit in concession.
“Oh.” Dani contemplated this silently, allergies and hayfever and nosebleeds filling her brain. She regretted what came next.
“Did you get them in Pelican Bay, too?”
His eyes changed color right in front of her, right there in the dark night light. She saw them go from blue to grey and her heart dropped. She looked away just as she saw him sniff a small smile, head nodding, before drawing his long legs up and putting his arms around them, looking down into his lap.
“Didn’t mean that. Didn’t…..I meant different climate.” Her face, though unseen to him as she turned away, was stony and her lips were pursed in a self-loathing version of a smile.
It was a small mercy when he didn’t say anything out loud. Her partner had been dutifully shown more of his own blood in Pelican Bay than she could ever imagine possible.
*************************************************
Two hours later, nothing had been observed and Charlie was feeling a tired buzz fall over his body, a bit cold despite a fleece lined, big wool pea coat.
“Reese? Ya cold? It’s cold.” He said the words as if nobody on earth had ever been cold, and this made Reese smile.
“Yep.”
“Come here. A little closer and we’ll be warmer.”
“Nope.”
Silence folded in on them like the fog and Reese sighed a bit, prompting Charlie to fill the void with words. She could feel him start to talk before he uttered a word.
“You afraid to touch me, Reese? You….uh....afraid of me?” She’d turned to look just in time to see a pained, pinched expression fill Charlie’s face at the second “afraid” which was drawn out and almost whispered.
How could I be afraid of you?
She felt her heart beating faster, echoing ribs sounding out her discomfort.
“I know you don’t wanna talk about it. What happened between us......the kiss. And, I understand, you know, if you…..I just don’t want you to be afraid of me. I just don’t want that.” His voice trailed off until she could barely make out the words above the tide. “Fuck, god, that’s not what I want.”
Dani looked at him, icy stare melted, gone. And, instead deep brown eyes that pooled with sorrow and anger and regret, but no fear.
Charlie met her gaze his voice came low and dry, “When?”
A spell was broken.
“Excuse me?” It was said with such anger, it was almost a hiss. She turned to him again, daring him with her face and posture to keep going, her usually full lips a tight line, jaw jutted forward a bit.
“When…..” Charlie looked back at her with eyes as defiant as her own gaze. “When are you going to let me in?”
His outstretched hand reached her face and his palm cupped her cheek, fingers twining through her hair. His hand took up most of her face. Her eyes looked like pyrite in the dark, shimmering, resisting gems of anger and scolding denial. Charlie felt his heart beating in his ribcage, aware of every pulse of blood while he moved his palm over her skin, savoring the heat beneath his cold hand. The softness of her skin shocked him, making him briefly, crazily, imagine his hand would pass through her skin.
His brain reeled.
Seconds ticked by, and he moved his other hand, shifting himself in the sand so that he was facing her. And, before either of them knew it, he had her face in his hands, upturned towards him, burning eyes, unreal skin and everything else. The moon had snuck back past the fog, he could see in the shadows of her face, eyes flickering, still angry, still angry. But now he thought he saw something else in them, too. Desire? And, when she looked, just for a second or two, at his mouth, he knew for sure.
“When, Dani?”
She wrestled away from his hands, facing the water, moving up a bit in her posture.
“Never.”
She let out a frustrated sigh when she heard herself say it. Turning to Charlie, she pointed at him with a small, thin finger, warning him, but the words hung in her head, far from her open mouth.
Not here.
Not while we are the police.
Not where you made love to your wife.
Definitely not here.
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not mine, no harm intended
Spoilers: As always, light spoilers of Season 1 might appear
A/N: This is another LONG chapter, so bear with me. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 16
Particles of Light
You’re standing in a deep, dark hole/Beneath a sky as black as coal/It’s just the fear of losing control
I’d juggle you like a diplomat/Desolate in anger and safe in isolation/Lose your way/It’s a pleasure when you’re in my command
Don’t miss it when the moment comes/Be submissive, just this once
-Neil Finn
She’s done this before. Been skin to skin with a man, the only light from the moon. The only feeling in that skin is dark and empty and limitless. She needs it so she can come back, be reinvented, to fall down that dark well of wrong and claw her way back up. She’s crashing against him, her nails scraping at the ink on his chest as if it were more clothing she’s unpeeling. And, then her arms are flying out from under his, denying his body’s requests to slow down, asking her why. But, she refuses to be reigned in, rejects the why.
Why isn’t allowed here. Only that familiar moment, only control. Sensation.
He’s got his hands in her hair, tugging and maybe trapped, she thinks. A warm, white hand twisting in hair that’s soft and dark like jet contrail. Each time she feels the tug on her scalp, it’s like she’s coming undone, one strand at a time. One little strand at a time.
And, his warm, wet mouth on hers, salty and tongue sweet. And, his lips, swollen from clumsy teeth, feel wrong at first.
But, then something changes. He leans into her body, mouth still on hers, hands holding her in flightless grip. And that’s when she knows.
Knows he’s going to hold her accountable for this, to make her explain it to him with her body, to show him why. Her eyes open briefly, his mouth still on hers. She looks through him like he’s vapor. But, what she resists, she sees clearly. Full and clear, like the glassy cornflower blue iris the moon channels itself through from the side. Particles of light that share his eye and her skin as they pass through. The air is sucked out of the room, out of her lungs. She can only feel her mouth, everything is numb and for a second she’s limp, his lips on hers, opening her mouth wide for her while he breathes into her, searing hot tongue mechanizing the words. Just look at me, Dani.
And, then?
Then her hands, her lips are grabbing, searching for some little safe familiarity.
But, there’s nothing here but new.
*****************************************
That week went fast. Avoidance was Reese’s modus operandi and copious fruit eating was Charlie’s.
Friday came fast, too.
Foggy dew held the promise of colder night air to come and there was definitely cold air waiting for Reese when she reached the beach at 9:30. Her partner’s car was nowhere to be seen, and she briefly regretted not letting him pick her up at her apartment. A flash of detest made its way across her temple as she waited and was quelled by concern. Charlie was never late. Charlie was always early.
Leaning on the still-warm hood of her car, she looked out over the ocean, as far as she could see into the fog. No moon tonight.
Twelve minutes later, she heard a car approaching and spun around, thankful to see Charlie driving towards her. He emerged from the car slowly, at first all legs and knees and feet, then the length of his long body unfolding, upright and straight. There was something comical that struck Reese as she watched him get out of his car. She usually saw him entering the car from the side, which seemed a bit more graceful. This was awkward, almost gangly and unrefined, not a way she would normally describe his movement.
She felt her jaw muscles tense when he turned towards her, his face glowing yellow from the glare of the overhead parking lot light. Blood. There were small droplets of blood on his face and top lip, an errant drip on his collar. It looked black in the dark light and night air.
Probably chocolate banana remnants. She comforted herself with the potential.
“Sorry I’m late. Damn.” He tilted his head up and sniffed in the cool night air, feeling it move through his septum, blinking his eyes as they watered a bit in the cold.
“Someone go for the last gallon of Mango Madness? Jeeesus….” Reese opened her car door and fished out Kleenex from her glove compartment. She tried to block out the image of Charlie in a fight, but it filled her head, came crashing into her brain like a freight train, black as night and just as cold.
Charlie in a fight over fruity ice cream.
Charlie in a fight over someone hassling him for being an ex-con.
Charlie with his face open on the shower floor in prison.
“Did you….were you hit? Is that a hit?” She scanned his face for swelling, his lips for splits.
Charlie looked at her awkwardly as he held his head back, confused for a few seconds before laughing.
“No.” His head shook from side to side as if someone had just told him something at once sweet and slightly sad. “No, Reese. I didn’t get into a fiiiight.” His tone admonished her. “I’m a cop.” His head wavered a bit and he raised a knowing eyebrow to her. “There’s no fighting in….” he paused, “…in… cops.” He looked out at the ocean with a defeated and faraway look, as if trying to figure out that even made sense.
She felt a knot form in her throat. “Yeah. Someone’s been catching up on his DVDs? No crying in baseball?”
“Yeah.” He said the word fast and loud, with a backward jerk of his head.
When the bleeding stopped, they started their long walk down to their lookout spot. When they got there, they found the tide had washed away the spot they were in the previous week, so they moved up the beach a bit, silently repeating the pit digging and positioning of the previous Friday night.
And, then, they waited.
An hour went by, the moon making a brief appearance over the water before disappearing into fog again some moments later.
Reese held her crossed arms to her chest, sighed and said, “Right. Not a fight. What, then?”
“Huh? Oh, the bleeding thing?”
“The bleeding thing.”
“Oh, that. You know, I’m kinda,” he waggled a finger at her, which she glared hard at before moving her stony gaze up to his eyes. But, he carried on unfazed, “….kinda pissed off that you’d think I was fighting instead of you know, injured.”
Reese’s eyebrows arched and her head titled as if she hadn’t heard him correctly.
“Kinda pissed off?”
Charlie did a sheepish double take at his partner before whispering, “Kinda.”
Moments fell silent until Reese continued. “Still didn’t tell me what.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sort of thinking I don’t want to disappoint you since you think it’s something like fighting……” She glared at him and this time it did faze him. Kinda.
“Um, I get nosebleeds this time of year. When the days are dry and the nights are foggy and cool. Hey, isn’t that a song? Aren’t those song lyrics, Reese. When the days are dry….”
“Not a song. Nosebleeds?”
“Yeah. I mean, not every single DAYYYYY, but nosebleeds.” He shrugged. “Guess I got, you know, a little hayfever and my sinuses get a bit dry and sensitive. And, they sometimes bleed.” He shrugged, his mouth turned into a slight frown, his eyebrows raised up a bit in concession.
“Oh.” Dani contemplated this silently, allergies and hayfever and nosebleeds filling her brain. She regretted what came next.
“Did you get them in Pelican Bay, too?”
His eyes changed color right in front of her, right there in the dark night light. She saw them go from blue to grey and her heart dropped. She looked away just as she saw him sniff a small smile, head nodding, before drawing his long legs up and putting his arms around them, looking down into his lap.
“Didn’t mean that. Didn’t…..I meant different climate.” Her face, though unseen to him as she turned away, was stony and her lips were pursed in a self-loathing version of a smile.
It was a small mercy when he didn’t say anything out loud. Her partner had been dutifully shown more of his own blood in Pelican Bay than she could ever imagine possible.
*************************************************
Two hours later, nothing had been observed and Charlie was feeling a tired buzz fall over his body, a bit cold despite a fleece lined, big wool pea coat.
“Reese? Ya cold? It’s cold.” He said the words as if nobody on earth had ever been cold, and this made Reese smile.
“Yep.”
“Come here. A little closer and we’ll be warmer.”
“Nope.”
Silence folded in on them like the fog and Reese sighed a bit, prompting Charlie to fill the void with words. She could feel him start to talk before he uttered a word.
“You afraid to touch me, Reese? You….uh....afraid of me?” She’d turned to look just in time to see a pained, pinched expression fill Charlie’s face at the second “afraid” which was drawn out and almost whispered.
How could I be afraid of you?
She felt her heart beating faster, echoing ribs sounding out her discomfort.
“I know you don’t wanna talk about it. What happened between us......the kiss. And, I understand, you know, if you…..I just don’t want you to be afraid of me. I just don’t want that.” His voice trailed off until she could barely make out the words above the tide. “Fuck, god, that’s not what I want.”
Dani looked at him, icy stare melted, gone. And, instead deep brown eyes that pooled with sorrow and anger and regret, but no fear.
Charlie met her gaze his voice came low and dry, “When?”
A spell was broken.
“Excuse me?” It was said with such anger, it was almost a hiss. She turned to him again, daring him with her face and posture to keep going, her usually full lips a tight line, jaw jutted forward a bit.
“When…..” Charlie looked back at her with eyes as defiant as her own gaze. “When are you going to let me in?”
His outstretched hand reached her face and his palm cupped her cheek, fingers twining through her hair. His hand took up most of her face. Her eyes looked like pyrite in the dark, shimmering, resisting gems of anger and scolding denial. Charlie felt his heart beating in his ribcage, aware of every pulse of blood while he moved his palm over her skin, savoring the heat beneath his cold hand. The softness of her skin shocked him, making him briefly, crazily, imagine his hand would pass through her skin.
His brain reeled.
Seconds ticked by, and he moved his other hand, shifting himself in the sand so that he was facing her. And, before either of them knew it, he had her face in his hands, upturned towards him, burning eyes, unreal skin and everything else. The moon had snuck back past the fog, he could see in the shadows of her face, eyes flickering, still angry, still angry. But now he thought he saw something else in them, too. Desire? And, when she looked, just for a second or two, at his mouth, he knew for sure.
“When, Dani?”
She wrestled away from his hands, facing the water, moving up a bit in her posture.
“Never.”
She let out a frustrated sigh when she heard herself say it. Turning to Charlie, she pointed at him with a small, thin finger, warning him, but the words hung in her head, far from her open mouth.
Not here.
Not while we are the police.
Not where you made love to your wife.
Definitely not here.