Warning: I'm complaining about myself in here.
This is one of those things that's aimed at nobody in particular, just at my life. I've become super-frustrated with one aspect of my life lately and I'm working on changing it, so here is a rant about myself.
I'm a giver. I love to give to people for no reason at all - it makes them happy and it makes me feel really fulfilled inside. I love making other people happy simply because it's one of the many things that makes me happy.
Today I was talking to my therapist about this. I used to push so hard to make people happy just because I wanted them to accept me as a friend. This was back when I had no friends and needed to do anything I could to gain social acceptance. I've always been nice and loved helping people out, but I went above and beyond for people only to see no return. I didn't care - I felt needed. I've fortunately grown out of that stage, but now there's a new problem coming up because of that.
That problem? Resentment. I resent that I'm willing to bend over backwards for people who aren't willing to bend over backwards in return. I do my friends favors, which is one thing, but when I'm always the one who's there for everybody ever, including people I don't know very well, and when I need help very few people even offer to be there for me, it hurts. I don't want to resent people for taking and not giving back, and in most cases I don't, but for whatever reason today I was afraid that I was being a proverbial doormat like I was in middle school and I brought it up with my therapist. He noted that I did used to subjugate quite a bit just to be accepted by people and that in growing out of that I've become fearful of slipping back into that mode of behavior. I'm now struggling with myself whenever I do something for somebody - am I doing it because I want to or am I afraid that they don't like me? It's almost always the former, but I can't help but feel that I'm still not getting any return on anything.
It's not even that I'm necessarily looking for a return, either - I do things because I genuinely want to help people I care about. It's just really frustrating to always be the one giving when you very rarely get anything back.
Again, this is aimed at nobody but myself. I'm just frustrated with myself for doing too much for other people and not enough for myself again. It's a bad habit that I need to stop because I'm not very good at taking care of myself because I'm so focused on taking care of the rest of the world.
I'm a giver. I love to give to people for no reason at all - it makes them happy and it makes me feel really fulfilled inside. I love making other people happy simply because it's one of the many things that makes me happy.
Today I was talking to my therapist about this. I used to push so hard to make people happy just because I wanted them to accept me as a friend. This was back when I had no friends and needed to do anything I could to gain social acceptance. I've always been nice and loved helping people out, but I went above and beyond for people only to see no return. I didn't care - I felt needed. I've fortunately grown out of that stage, but now there's a new problem coming up because of that.
That problem? Resentment. I resent that I'm willing to bend over backwards for people who aren't willing to bend over backwards in return. I do my friends favors, which is one thing, but when I'm always the one who's there for everybody ever, including people I don't know very well, and when I need help very few people even offer to be there for me, it hurts. I don't want to resent people for taking and not giving back, and in most cases I don't, but for whatever reason today I was afraid that I was being a proverbial doormat like I was in middle school and I brought it up with my therapist. He noted that I did used to subjugate quite a bit just to be accepted by people and that in growing out of that I've become fearful of slipping back into that mode of behavior. I'm now struggling with myself whenever I do something for somebody - am I doing it because I want to or am I afraid that they don't like me? It's almost always the former, but I can't help but feel that I'm still not getting any return on anything.
It's not even that I'm necessarily looking for a return, either - I do things because I genuinely want to help people I care about. It's just really frustrating to always be the one giving when you very rarely get anything back.
Again, this is aimed at nobody but myself. I'm just frustrated with myself for doing too much for other people and not enough for myself again. It's a bad habit that I need to stop because I'm not very good at taking care of myself because I'm so focused on taking care of the rest of the world.