Starting Over, AGAIN
I was just finishing this when kiwiria beat me to the punch, but here it is anyway.
The cover: Dana Larson is giving her cousin Sally....A MAKEOVER! People, you know this is the only reason I picked up this book. That and the descriptions of clothes. Coming right on the heels of the ultimate SVH makeover story (#32 The New Jessica), it's sure to be a winner. Right? Right?!
The A Plot: Dana's cousin Sally is coming to live with the Larsons. Sally's father abandoned his family, and when Sally's mother remarried, Sally was dumped in foster homes. How this was legal beats me. What also beats me is why the Larsons, who are apparently Sally's only relatives, let their niece bounce around in foster homes for thirteen years before they got off their asses and invited her to live with them. But this is Sweet Valley, where nothing makes sense.
Dana's brother Jeremy whines about having to move up to the attic so that Sally can have his room. Dana reminds Jeremy that the attic is like a seperate apartment, and he'll have a cool swinging bachelor pad just like Greg Brady! Okay, she didn't say that last part, but I would've. Jeremy whines some more and storms out.
Sally arrives, and for some reason isn't angry about that whole thirteen-years-in-foster-care thing. But she's ecstatic over Sweet Valley, of course, and desperately wants to make it work so she won't be sent away. She meets Dana, and here we get our first description of clothes: But standing in another doorway was a tall, leggy blond, whose pretty features were crowned by an outrageous hairstyle. She was wearing skin-tight black stirrup pants and a gold lame dinner jacket, sleeves pushed up, over a black and white checkered shirt.
......oh-kay, that could've been better. But it's only Chapter Two. Things have got to improve, right? Right?!
Sally, in her jeans and cardigan, feels inferior to Dana as she starts to unpack: She looked down at her conservative wardrobe, turtlenecks, oxford shirts, blue denim jeans, A-line skirts, a corduroy jumper. Then she glanced up quickly at her cousin's stylish clothes and haircut. She fingered her own shoulder-length brown hair nervously. It looked as if she would never fit in, she worried. (And here I start to salivate, because I know what's coming.)
"Hey, listen Sally, how about if I take you down to the Valley Mall tomorrow, and we can get you some new school clothes? I'm sure Mom would pay for it." (oh yes, oooh yessssss).
On to the mall! Dana and Sally go to Lisette's, "a store pulsing with music and filled with trendy clothing." Huh? In previous books Lisette's was always described as an exclusive, snobby designer boutique and all of a sudden it's Hot Topic? ah well, c'est la Sweet Valley.
Unfortunately, the descriptions of clothes are rather vague. We hear about black denims, also blouses, miniskirts and pullovers in bright colors and patterns. And that's pretty much it. Dana awesomely says that Sally can also find great things at thrift shops. Yay! Sally doesn't want to admit that she's always shopped at thrift shops because she could never afford new clothes. Aw.
They return home, where: Dana took in Sally's straight, shoulder-length hair with the middle part, her pale complexion, her sad eyes, and decided that clothes wouldn't be enough. Sally would need a new hairstyle, makeup, a whole new image. (I start to breathe heavily).
And now... The Makeover.
In the immortal words of Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda: "Okay. DISAPPOINTED!" And then he shoots the safe and Jamie Lee Curtis says "What are you doing?" and he says "I'm THINKING!" That was awesome. Anyway. LAMEST. MAKEOVER. EVER. We hear about Dana doing stuff to Sally's hair and face, but we NEVER SEE THE RESULTS. We're just supposed to assume that Sally looks different now, but is she better-looking or worse? We never find out. After The New Jessica's loving descriptions of raven hair and kohl-lined eyes and dark dull red lipstick, this is a total bummer.
It all goes downhill from there, so I'll try to be brief. We do get one more description of clothes: Dana was wearing a red miniskirt and a long gray cardigan sweater over a yellow shirt which sounds cute, but then that's it. Dana drags Sally to a Droids practice session, even though Sally isn't really interested in rock music. Seeing as it was 1987 and everything was Whitesnake and Skid Row, I don't blame Sally. Too bad. A couple more years and Sally could have caught the first wave of grunge, and then she and her clothes would have fit right in.
Jeremy's friend Mark shows up at the house and is attracted to Sally, even though she's wearing her old clothes and no makeup. Yay! Unfortunately Sally must refuse Mark's offer of a date so as not to upset Jeremy. Sally clings to the notion that caving in to Jeremy will somehow make him "like" her. Which shows that Sally must have been paying attention to all those idiot adults who tell kids that if they are nice to bullies, the bullies will want to be their friend. Uh-huh.
OF COURSE Sally finally winds up in the Oracle office spilling her guts to St. Liz. Liz furrows her brow, asks probling questions, and does the arm-petting thing. When Dana finds out Sally talked to Liz, she gets all passive-agressive and control-freaky, so Sally decides she can't be friends with Liz, either. And then... Sally starts to get ANGRY. Go Sally! Is she angry at her father for abandoning her? Is she angry at her mother for dumping her in foster care? Is she angry at her aunt and uncle for letting her rattle around in foster care for thirteen years? No, Sally is angry at... Dana and Jeremy. Oh, Sally. Then she goes back to being a doormat.
Blah, blah blah, Sally rescues Dana and Jeremy from evil hitch-hikers, the Larsons decide to adopt Sally, everything's happy-crappy. The end.
The B Plot
is a lot more compelling. It begins with Liz alone in her room, then Jess barges in with an "emergency". For once, we're spared the perfect-size-6-they-look-alike-but-are different spiel. The ghostwriter actually follows the Show Don't Tell rule, and gets right down to the action. The emergency is that Jess has brought home a puppy. Her explaination leads to this amusing exchange:
"A man had all these puppies in a box and the game, and he was just giving them away! He's the most adorable thing you ever saw. Really!"
"The man or the puppy?'
"Liz! The puppy!"
Liz reminds Jess of the Mrs.Bramble fiasco, but Jess insists that she now luuuuuurves dogs. I'm not having any trouble believing this, because the puppy turns out to be a golden Lab, and all retriever puppies are made of cute with sprinkles of cuteness.
( I had a Golden Retriever when I was a kid. )
Anyway, Ned and Alice are away for the weekend, and Jess comes up with the brilliant idea of hiding the puppy in the house for a while, in order to prove she's responsible enough to take care of him. Liz and Jess go shopping for a leash and collar, and while at the mall they bump into Dana and Sally doing their shopping. And then we finally get the whole blue-green hair and sun-streaked eyes thing. Dana actually mentions Jessica's makeover from the last book, making the pain of this book even more unbearable. OH SWEET VALLEY, WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME?
Jessica actually manages to keep Prince Albert (the puppy) a secret from Ned and Alice for a few days. In Chapter 6 Jessica introduces PA to Lila, so we're treated to a little Lila awesomeness: Lila tossed her perfectly styled hair back and set an expensive handbag down on a nearby chair. It's details like this that keep me coming back for more literary abuse. Lila makes some snobby remarks about PA's lack of a pedigree, but then even she must SUCCUMB TO THE PUPPITUDE: "He's so soft," Lila murmured. "He's really adorable." RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! Oh yeah, and PA destroys the washing machine.
In Chapter 7 we get a look at Ned and Alice's inept parenting abilities, as well as a few funny lines. The Wakefields and Jeffrey are having dinner, when Ned suddenly hears what sounds like a howl coming from unpstairs. Jessica improvises that she must have left the stereo on, so she runs upstairs to turn it off. Ned then asks Liz if she has anything juicy for the "Eyes and Ears" column that week, and: She had a sudden self-destructive impulse to say: "A certain pair of twins is keeping a dog in their house without telling their parents. Will the reckless duo get caught?" But she doesn't, which is too bad because it would have been funny and knowing Ned and Alice they would have been to clueless to get it anyway. Jessica returns to the table and says there was a weird song on, but she turned it off. She and Liz get a bad case of the giggles, but Ned and Alice are merely bemused.
Alice then mentions that she's going to do the laundry, and Jessica panics and offers to do it for her. Again, the parents suspect nothing. Elizabeth knows something is up and says she'll help, and Jeffrey will help too. "Is there anyone in this house who doesn't want to do laundry?" Mr. Wakefield asked, and astonished smile on his face. But he doesn't worry his pretty little head over it or anything. Jessica takes the laundry next door, and then we finally get the they-look-different-but-are-so-alike-four-years-seems-like-four-minutes thing.
Later, Jessica brings up the subject of babysitting, and tricks Ned into saying that she's responsible enough to handle it. She then steers the subject to dogs, and when Ned mentions the Mrs. Bramble incident, Jessica cleverly points out that if she's responsible enough to take care of a child, she's responsible enough to take care of a dog. Ned and Alice say they'll discuss it. Jessica says she's too tired to go out, even though it's a Friday night, and yet the parents STILL SUSPECT NOTHING.
Well, finally Prince Albert slips his leash while the twins are walking him, and he runs away. They look all over, but can't find him. Jessica bursts into tears, as does yours truly and everybody else who has ever run frantically through the streets calling their dog's name. At night. In the rain.
Liz and Jess and Jeffrey scour the neighborhood, Lila drives around looking, but no prize. They decide they've done all they can, because apparently they never heard of putting up posters or running an ad in the newspaper. And of course, this would have been a really good time to TELL THEIR PARENTS, but they don't.
If you want to know how my story ended, it ended with my father driving to the animal shelter the next day, getting my damn dog, and bringing him home after paying the fine (no license, oops!) And Liz and Jess's story ends in much the same way, except we're somehow supposed to believe that Ned and Alice just happened to decide that yes, the twins could have a dog, and just happened to decide to surprise them, and just happened to decide to adopt one from the animal shelter, and just happened to pick Prince Albert. Which annoyed me greatly, seeing as how I was actually kind of getting into this plot, and it would have been so easy to end it on a more realistic note. But hey, Sweet Valley.
The cover: Dana Larson is giving her cousin Sally....A MAKEOVER! People, you know this is the only reason I picked up this book. That and the descriptions of clothes. Coming right on the heels of the ultimate SVH makeover story (#32 The New Jessica), it's sure to be a winner. Right? Right?!
The A Plot: Dana's cousin Sally is coming to live with the Larsons. Sally's father abandoned his family, and when Sally's mother remarried, Sally was dumped in foster homes. How this was legal beats me. What also beats me is why the Larsons, who are apparently Sally's only relatives, let their niece bounce around in foster homes for thirteen years before they got off their asses and invited her to live with them. But this is Sweet Valley, where nothing makes sense.
Dana's brother Jeremy whines about having to move up to the attic so that Sally can have his room. Dana reminds Jeremy that the attic is like a seperate apartment, and he'll have a cool swinging bachelor pad just like Greg Brady! Okay, she didn't say that last part, but I would've. Jeremy whines some more and storms out.
Sally arrives, and for some reason isn't angry about that whole thirteen-years-in-foster-care thing. But she's ecstatic over Sweet Valley, of course, and desperately wants to make it work so she won't be sent away. She meets Dana, and here we get our first description of clothes: But standing in another doorway was a tall, leggy blond, whose pretty features were crowned by an outrageous hairstyle. She was wearing skin-tight black stirrup pants and a gold lame dinner jacket, sleeves pushed up, over a black and white checkered shirt.
......oh-kay, that could've been better. But it's only Chapter Two. Things have got to improve, right? Right?!
Sally, in her jeans and cardigan, feels inferior to Dana as she starts to unpack: She looked down at her conservative wardrobe, turtlenecks, oxford shirts, blue denim jeans, A-line skirts, a corduroy jumper. Then she glanced up quickly at her cousin's stylish clothes and haircut. She fingered her own shoulder-length brown hair nervously. It looked as if she would never fit in, she worried. (And here I start to salivate, because I know what's coming.)
"Hey, listen Sally, how about if I take you down to the Valley Mall tomorrow, and we can get you some new school clothes? I'm sure Mom would pay for it." (oh yes, oooh yessssss).
On to the mall! Dana and Sally go to Lisette's, "a store pulsing with music and filled with trendy clothing." Huh? In previous books Lisette's was always described as an exclusive, snobby designer boutique and all of a sudden it's Hot Topic? ah well, c'est la Sweet Valley.
Unfortunately, the descriptions of clothes are rather vague. We hear about black denims, also blouses, miniskirts and pullovers in bright colors and patterns. And that's pretty much it. Dana awesomely says that Sally can also find great things at thrift shops. Yay! Sally doesn't want to admit that she's always shopped at thrift shops because she could never afford new clothes. Aw.
They return home, where: Dana took in Sally's straight, shoulder-length hair with the middle part, her pale complexion, her sad eyes, and decided that clothes wouldn't be enough. Sally would need a new hairstyle, makeup, a whole new image. (I start to breathe heavily).
And now... The Makeover.
In the immortal words of Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda: "Okay. DISAPPOINTED!" And then he shoots the safe and Jamie Lee Curtis says "What are you doing?" and he says "I'm THINKING!" That was awesome. Anyway. LAMEST. MAKEOVER. EVER. We hear about Dana doing stuff to Sally's hair and face, but we NEVER SEE THE RESULTS. We're just supposed to assume that Sally looks different now, but is she better-looking or worse? We never find out. After The New Jessica's loving descriptions of raven hair and kohl-lined eyes and dark dull red lipstick, this is a total bummer.
It all goes downhill from there, so I'll try to be brief. We do get one more description of clothes: Dana was wearing a red miniskirt and a long gray cardigan sweater over a yellow shirt which sounds cute, but then that's it. Dana drags Sally to a Droids practice session, even though Sally isn't really interested in rock music. Seeing as it was 1987 and everything was Whitesnake and Skid Row, I don't blame Sally. Too bad. A couple more years and Sally could have caught the first wave of grunge, and then she and her clothes would have fit right in.
Jeremy's friend Mark shows up at the house and is attracted to Sally, even though she's wearing her old clothes and no makeup. Yay! Unfortunately Sally must refuse Mark's offer of a date so as not to upset Jeremy. Sally clings to the notion that caving in to Jeremy will somehow make him "like" her. Which shows that Sally must have been paying attention to all those idiot adults who tell kids that if they are nice to bullies, the bullies will want to be their friend. Uh-huh.
OF COURSE Sally finally winds up in the Oracle office spilling her guts to St. Liz. Liz furrows her brow, asks probling questions, and does the arm-petting thing. When Dana finds out Sally talked to Liz, she gets all passive-agressive and control-freaky, so Sally decides she can't be friends with Liz, either. And then... Sally starts to get ANGRY. Go Sally! Is she angry at her father for abandoning her? Is she angry at her mother for dumping her in foster care? Is she angry at her aunt and uncle for letting her rattle around in foster care for thirteen years? No, Sally is angry at... Dana and Jeremy. Oh, Sally. Then she goes back to being a doormat.
Blah, blah blah, Sally rescues Dana and Jeremy from evil hitch-hikers, the Larsons decide to adopt Sally, everything's happy-crappy. The end.
The B Plot
is a lot more compelling. It begins with Liz alone in her room, then Jess barges in with an "emergency". For once, we're spared the perfect-size-6-they-look-alike-but-are different spiel. The ghostwriter actually follows the Show Don't Tell rule, and gets right down to the action. The emergency is that Jess has brought home a puppy. Her explaination leads to this amusing exchange:
"A man had all these puppies in a box and the game, and he was just giving them away! He's the most adorable thing you ever saw. Really!"
"The man or the puppy?'
"Liz! The puppy!"
Liz reminds Jess of the Mrs.Bramble fiasco, but Jess insists that she now luuuuuurves dogs. I'm not having any trouble believing this, because the puppy turns out to be a golden Lab, and all retriever puppies are made of cute with sprinkles of cuteness.
( I had a Golden Retriever when I was a kid. )
Anyway, Ned and Alice are away for the weekend, and Jess comes up with the brilliant idea of hiding the puppy in the house for a while, in order to prove she's responsible enough to take care of him. Liz and Jess go shopping for a leash and collar, and while at the mall they bump into Dana and Sally doing their shopping. And then we finally get the whole blue-green hair and sun-streaked eyes thing. Dana actually mentions Jessica's makeover from the last book, making the pain of this book even more unbearable. OH SWEET VALLEY, WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME?
Jessica actually manages to keep Prince Albert (the puppy) a secret from Ned and Alice for a few days. In Chapter 6 Jessica introduces PA to Lila, so we're treated to a little Lila awesomeness: Lila tossed her perfectly styled hair back and set an expensive handbag down on a nearby chair. It's details like this that keep me coming back for more literary abuse. Lila makes some snobby remarks about PA's lack of a pedigree, but then even she must SUCCUMB TO THE PUPPITUDE: "He's so soft," Lila murmured. "He's really adorable." RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! Oh yeah, and PA destroys the washing machine.
In Chapter 7 we get a look at Ned and Alice's inept parenting abilities, as well as a few funny lines. The Wakefields and Jeffrey are having dinner, when Ned suddenly hears what sounds like a howl coming from unpstairs. Jessica improvises that she must have left the stereo on, so she runs upstairs to turn it off. Ned then asks Liz if she has anything juicy for the "Eyes and Ears" column that week, and: She had a sudden self-destructive impulse to say: "A certain pair of twins is keeping a dog in their house without telling their parents. Will the reckless duo get caught?" But she doesn't, which is too bad because it would have been funny and knowing Ned and Alice they would have been to clueless to get it anyway. Jessica returns to the table and says there was a weird song on, but she turned it off. She and Liz get a bad case of the giggles, but Ned and Alice are merely bemused.
Alice then mentions that she's going to do the laundry, and Jessica panics and offers to do it for her. Again, the parents suspect nothing. Elizabeth knows something is up and says she'll help, and Jeffrey will help too. "Is there anyone in this house who doesn't want to do laundry?" Mr. Wakefield asked, and astonished smile on his face. But he doesn't worry his pretty little head over it or anything. Jessica takes the laundry next door, and then we finally get the they-look-different-but-are-so-alike-four-years-seems-like-four-minutes thing.
Later, Jessica brings up the subject of babysitting, and tricks Ned into saying that she's responsible enough to handle it. She then steers the subject to dogs, and when Ned mentions the Mrs. Bramble incident, Jessica cleverly points out that if she's responsible enough to take care of a child, she's responsible enough to take care of a dog. Ned and Alice say they'll discuss it. Jessica says she's too tired to go out, even though it's a Friday night, and yet the parents STILL SUSPECT NOTHING.
Well, finally Prince Albert slips his leash while the twins are walking him, and he runs away. They look all over, but can't find him. Jessica bursts into tears, as does yours truly and everybody else who has ever run frantically through the streets calling their dog's name. At night. In the rain.
Liz and Jess and Jeffrey scour the neighborhood, Lila drives around looking, but no prize. They decide they've done all they can, because apparently they never heard of putting up posters or running an ad in the newspaper. And of course, this would have been a really good time to TELL THEIR PARENTS, but they don't.
If you want to know how my story ended, it ended with my father driving to the animal shelter the next day, getting my damn dog, and bringing him home after paying the fine (no license, oops!) And Liz and Jess's story ends in much the same way, except we're somehow supposed to believe that Ned and Alice just happened to decide that yes, the twins could have a dog, and just happened to decide to surprise them, and just happened to decide to adopt one from the animal shelter, and just happened to pick Prince Albert. Which annoyed me greatly, seeing as how I was actually kind of getting into this plot, and it would have been so easy to end it on a more realistic note. But hey, Sweet Valley.