Sweet Valley Twins Diaries - Jessica: Next Stop, Jr. High
As the title(s) may suggest, this book is meant to be Jessica’s diary. The first entry, however, is written by Elizabeth, in her typical taking-over-everyone-else’s-life fashion. It seems she’s going to Costa Rica over the summer to build houses in the rainforest. Way to destroy the environment, Liz. Anyway, Elizabeth’s entry basically explains that she’s leaving the diary as a gift for Jessica that she can write in if she feels lonely.
Oh, and does she ever feel lonely! Not only is her priggish twin sister vanished into the darkest recesses of the jungle, but her BFF Lila has gone MIA spending all her time with her new boyfriend, Wiley Upjohn. Lila’s obsessed with him because he’s OMG IN HIGH SCHOOL (i.e. he’s a year older than her,) but Jessica whines that Lila’s talk of Wiley makes her “want to upchuck.” Oh dear. The rest of the Unicorns are out of town or otherwise occupied, so Jessica is friendless. Additionally, everyone has apparently gotten the notice of the schools rezoning, but hasn’t yet found out what school they’re going to. It seems like it’s going to be The Last Summer of the Unicorns, which sounds really epic and I guess that’s the point of this book.
Jessica is cheered up when she receives a phone call from Rachel Grant, the newest Unicorn, inviting her to a slumber party that night. All the rest of the Unicorns are fortuitously returning to town that same night, and Lila’s boytoy is miraculously leaving town that day as well, so even she will be attending. All the Unicorns will be there and it will be oh so special.
At Rachel’s house, everyone is there except Kimberly and Lila. Pretty soon, though, the doorbell rings and Kimberly is there wearing a Hawaiian shirt and grass skirt, dancing the hula and attempting to imitate a ukulele. No, seriously. Apparently, Kimberly has an Aunt Pippa who lives in Hawaii, an ex-surfing champion who won the lottery and then opened a chain of highly successful surf shops. All pretenses of reality have been thrown out the window. As an eighth-grade graduation present, Pippa has invited Kimberly and the rest of the Unicorns to spend the last month of their summer with her in Hawaii. I guess Kimberly has gotten over not being invited to Hawaii the last time the Unicorns went.
Lila shows up just as everyone is freaking out about Kimberly’s news, and she doesn’t get excited when they tell her what’s going on. Doesn’t want to leave Wiley, you know. Despite the fact that he’s left her, but whatevs. Lila proceeds to have an hour-long chat with Wiley on her mobile phone (!!!) while the rest of the Unicorns await her answer. In the end, Queen Lila finally deigns to accept Kimberly’s offer of an all-expenses-paid, month-long trip to Hawaii with her best friends. How very gracious.
There’s a brief to-do about Jessica getting permission to go, but Ned and Alice end up saying yes. Obviously.
When they land in Hawaii, they board a bus to Pippa’s “luxury building” and feel all grown up because sistas are doin’ it fo’ themselves. Rachel makes some comment about how they won’t have to hang around with any lame sixth- or seventh-graders, which I may remind you they were just a few months ago. Kimberly makes a sad face, and Rachel worries she offended her because Kimberly’s a year older and thus she was hanging around with a bunch of seventh-graders when she was in the eighth grade.
They ride the elevator up to Pippa’s apartment, where she has the penthouse. Even Miss Lila is impressed. When they arrive, though, they’re greeted not by Pippa, but by a young-looking girl who seems really enthusiastic to see them. Turns out it’s Kimberly’s cousin Marissa, a seventh-grader (gasp and shock!!) who is also staying with Pippa for the summer. Seems Kimberly failed to tell the Unicorns about her.
Marissa basically acts like a dork, skipping around and asking tons of questions. Soon, Pippa arrives. The Unicorns decide she’s cool, and they all go out to dinner.
When they return, Rachel and Lila summon all the Unicorns (minus Kimberly) into their room. Lila throws a big stink about how Kimberly deliberately didn’t mention Marissa, and how she’s going to get on the next flight home, and who’s with her! No one is. They all resolve to be nice to Marissa, since after all, they’re all the way in Hawaii and where they don’t know anyone and thus don’t have to worry about their reputations.
Jessica is actually getting along with her until they all go to the beach and Marissa suggests that Jessica get lowlights to “bring down the yellow in her hair.” Hee. The rest of the Unicorns are like “LOLZ” until Marissa makes similar suggestions to them. A seventh-grader!!!!!!@!!!11
Rachel and Jessica notice some cute boys on the beach. There’s a club by the pier that’s having a teen night the next day, so they decide to go. On the walk home from the beach, Jessica decides maybe Marissa isn’t so bad.
The Unicorns plus Marissa spend the entire next day getting ready for the club: “Fingernails. Toenails. Hot oil treatments. Plucking. Steaming.” Dear god. The last half of that sounds like some type of recipe. Maybe for clams. Anyway, Marissa hogs the bathroom she’s sharing with Jessica and Kimberly, which pisses them off. When she finally emerges, she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Once again, she insults everyone, and when the Unicorns look to Kimberly, she’s clearly frustrated but at the same time is like, “What do you want me to do?”
Anyway, the club is totally happenin’. The girls go over to the juice bar, where a guy who introduces himself as Carl is making drinks to match everyone’s clothes. I had him pegged as gay until he started hitting on Mandy. This is what Carl looks like: “The guy behind the bar was a babe with black hair, long on top and shaved up the back and sides. He had earrings in both ears and a killer smile.”
Ahem. So, everything’s going well until Lila spots a guy she recognizes across the room. His name is Peter Feldman (who?), and he apparently “rules” Sweet Valley High. He also knows Wiley. He can’t see them! What if he sees they’re with some seventh-grade loser, and he tells everyone at SVH, and the Unicorns’ reputations get ruined forever??!!
So, anyway, Jessica does eventually run into her beach boy. His name is Jason, and he also introduces his friends Rafe and Larry to all the Unicorns. Jason and Jessica are getting all flirty until Marissa butts in and asks him to dance. Skank! After their dance, Jason finds Jessica again and they go for a walk on the beach. She’s about to rip into Marissa when he starts talking about how nice it is that her friends all do things together, and how Marissa only had nice things to say. Jessica decides to keep her mouth shut. Then, (o heart!) he invites her to a beach party coming up in a few days.
This doesn’t really fit in anywhere, but I thought you’d like to know there’s a description of Pippa wearing a vinyl shirt. Vinyl!
So, Lila has a marathon phone conversation with Wiley, and she reports back to the Unicorns that the ninth graders are beginning to be invited to “Welcome to SVH” parties, and some of them might consider taking eighth-grade dates…if they “measure up.” “Measure up” is in italics, which makes it seem to me like it means “if they’ve developed breasts,” but apparently it just means if they’re cool enough. The Unicorns would ordinarily be shoo-ins, but not if Peter Feldman sees them with loser Marissa and reports back to Wiley and he tells all his friends. God, that’s convoluted and petty. Also, why couldn’t Lila just tell Wiley that Kimberly’s lame cousin was there and they had to hang out with her? Ugh.
So, the Unicorns, with all their combined superior brainpower (and Ellen) decide to play a bunch of pranks on Marissa so she won’t want to hang out with them. They pretend to prank each other, too, so Pippa doesn’t think they’re just picking on Marissa. Unfortunately, she thinks it’s some kind of hazing initiation, because after she gets upset, she comes out of her bathroom, beaming, thanking them all for making her a Unicorn. Hah!
They can’t just be mean to Marissa or tell her she’s not in the club, because Kimberly’s pretty sure if they do that, Pippa will send them home. Lila calls Janet for an idea of what to do to Marissa. Apparently, her suggestion is to put green food coloring into her toothpaste the night of the beach party, because that’s what they do. I think Janet has psychological problems. Marissa gets upset and Pippa gets mad, so Jessica brushes her teeth with the alien paste as well. The rest of the Unicorns follow suit, but Lila makes them promise not to smile in front of Peter Feldman.
Jessica breaks ranks by having a good time with Jason, even explaining (most of) the toothpaste story to him. Except she spins it to make herself sound good. Kimberly and Marissa also have a good time, but the rest of the Unicorns all went home early because no one was asking them to dance. Jessica tells them it was probably because they all seemed really unfriendly by refusing to smile. They all get defensive and angry until she adds that there are guys who like all of them. Jess gloats about a power shift.
It doesn’t last long. At the beach, everyone is self-conscious and obsessed with looking “cool,” so they don’t do anything. Lila has threatened them all with unpopularity and outcastness if they don’t conform to her idea of HighSchoolCool. She’s especially mad at Jessica for being nice to Marissa, and when Jess calls Lila on her bitchiness, Lila blames it on Jessica not being able to deal with the fact that she’s “matured.” Bahhh. I generally think that Lila is full of Rule, but in this book she’s just a megabitch.
Meanwhile, Jessica’s rocking. Jason invites her on a day trip. Carl seems to have forgotten Mandy (and vice versa), and he teaches Jessica how to surf. Jessica is fed up with the others for bowing to Lila’s every demand, and decides she doesn’t care about the Unicorns anymore. Which is actually pretty cool of her. Unfortunately, the day trip is to the camp for “special kids” where Jason is a counselor, and not the romantic getaway Jessica had imagined. Still, she had fun. She just lies a bit to impress the Unicorns and make them think it really was a romantic date.
Jessica has another surfing rendezvous with Carl the next day. I don’t think I mentioned that Carl works at Pippa’s surf shop. Anyway, after the surfing, Carl goes into the shop and hands Jessica a piece of paper with a phone message on it. It’s for Marissa…from Peter Feldman, the King of SVH!
When Jessica gets back to the house, Lila is waiting for her. Apparently she talked to Rafe and Larry, and they told her the truth about Jessica and Jason’s “getaway.” She threatens to tell the others the truth if Jessica doesn’t apologize for lying and comparing her and Jason’s relationship with Lila and Wiley’s. Jessica refuses, and says that if Lila breathes a word, she’ll give Marissa the phone message from Peter Feldman. Lila pretty much dies.
It’s teen night again that night, and Jason invites Jessica to go with him again. A real date! Squee! Furthermore, Marissa has an earache, so she won’t be coming along to cramp the Unicorns’ style. Her mom calls and talks to Pippa for a really long time, making sure her baby is okay. Kimberly tells Jessica that Marissa’s mom is really overprotective, especially because Marissa has so many food allergies, including one to peanuts.
The teen night is a hit, and for the time being, the Unicorns resume their chumminess. It’s Marissa’s birthday soon, and Pippa has promised to take them out for a nice dinner to celebrate. So the next day, while Pippa is off opening a new batch of surf shops, and Kimberly is on Maui for some reason, the remaining Unicorns decide to go to the mall. Marissa stays home because she’s still tired from being sick.
It’s here that Lila hatches her evilest scheme to date. She decides that the best way to humiliate Marissa and make sure she stays away from the Unicorns would be to throw her a surprise party before Pippa’s dinner, and invite all the guys they’ve met in Hawaii. The catch is, they’d put peanuts into all the food. Marissa will break out in hives! It will be hilarious! Seriously, aren’t peanut allergies, like, notorious for being super serious? I knew one girl who was allergic to peanuts, and she couldn’t even smell them without having some kind of horrific reaction. Jessica, apparently, isn’t as awesome as I previously gave her credit for, because she doesn’t speak up. Peter Feldman’s on his way home, and she doesn’t have anything to blackmail Lila with anymore.
Jessica goes back to the camp with Jason, this time to stay overnight. As she and some other girl are walking to their tent, the conversation somehow turns to food allergies. The girl says she’s allergic to some kind of preservatives in hot dogs (the fuck?) and if she eats them, her throat swells up and she can’t breathe, and she’s had to go to the emergency room twice. It dawns on Jessica that the peanut prank may be more than just mean, because food allergies can be SRS BIZNESS. She can’t fall asleep, and she makes Jason take her back first thing in the morning.
Even when she tells the Unicorns that Marissa’s reaction could be serious, though, they don’t seem to care. Jeez. These girls are pretty fucked up. They also haven’t told Kimberly, because they know she’ll get mad. This is so, so wrong.
So, since the Unicorns are apparently going on with their evil peanut plot, Jessica gets Jason to take Marissa away for the day. He’s confused because it’s supposed to be the day of her party, and Jessica doesn’t give him any details, but he agrees. This guy is either really nice or really dumb. Marissa’s also confused, but she goes away with Jason and misses her party. The peanutty surprises are eaten only by those without prohibitive allergies.
Lila, of course, is pissed. She bitches at Jessica after all the guests leave, proclaiming “We’re not friends anymore! Your life will be miserable! Rahrr!”
Just then, Marissa comes “floating” in. Jessica is upset, and runs downstairs to tell Jason what happened. He’s all floaty too, and thanks her for being selfless enough to see that he and Marissa were perfect for one another. Jessica runs back upstairs and starts to cry.
Marissa follows her, asking what’s wrong. She thanks Jessica profusely, saying she’s such a good friend. Jessica blurts out that she’s not Marissa’s friend, that she hates her, that everybody hates her. Marissa asks why they were planning a surprise party for her if they hate her so much, and Jessica tells her about the peanuts.
Marissa is shocked. She tells Jessica that whether she knows it or not, she really is her best friend, because she probably saved her life. You see, peanuts cause Marissa to go into a coma. They get all weepy; Jessica assures Marissa that Kimberly didn’t know; Marissa tells Jessica how she never really had any friends.
The next morning, Marissa goes out with Jason, and the rest of the Unicorns go snorkeling. Kimberly and Pippa get home, and Jessica tells Kimberly she got into a fight with the others. Kimberly admits that she’s glad she’ll be going into high school and will be done with the Unicorns, that she’d rather be herself. Quite a change from The Spoon she used to be, eh? Eventually Jessica tells her about the peanut thing, and she flips out. They come up with a Plan.
Everyone is at Marissa’s birthday dinner. When it’s time for dessert, Kimberly makes a toast and says how they had planned a surprise party, but Marissa missed it. Luckily, she says, they saved a piece of cake. Kimberly puts it on Marissa’s plate, and she takes a big bite. Obviously, they’ve switched the cake out for a non-peanut one. Marissa makes a big production of pretending to die, and…oh, this is too good not to put in:
No one said a word. No one moved. Then Ellen’s hands flew to her face. Mandy’s knees wobbled, and she collapsed into her chair. Rachel burst into hysterical tears.
I stood up and pointed at Lila. “Murderer!” I accused.
“No!” Lila shrieked. She was positively green.
“You killed her,” I said through gritted teeth. “I told you she was allergic to peanuts. But you wouldn’t listen.”
Pippa glared at Lila. “You did this on purpose?” she raged. “On purpose? You’re a killer!”
“We all did it,” Mandy wailed, pulling at her braids. “We’re all guilty. Oh, my God! How could we do this? How?”
..And then Marissa shocks everyone by coming back to life. After the pandemonium dies down, Lila gets a call on her cell phone. It’s Wiley calling to break up. Oh, sweet justice.
Oddly Pippa never really yells at the girls for attempting to murder her niece. After the stunt, everyone apologizes to Marissa and they decide that since they only have two days left in Hawaii, they’ll try to make it as pleasant as possible and have a good time. Whatever. Jessica decides that she still loves Lila, but that she doesn’t like her. However, she likes herself, and that’s what counts. Oy.
And that's it. "Next stop, Junior High" indeed.
Oh, and does she ever feel lonely! Not only is her priggish twin sister vanished into the darkest recesses of the jungle, but her BFF Lila has gone MIA spending all her time with her new boyfriend, Wiley Upjohn. Lila’s obsessed with him because he’s OMG IN HIGH SCHOOL (i.e. he’s a year older than her,) but Jessica whines that Lila’s talk of Wiley makes her “want to upchuck.” Oh dear. The rest of the Unicorns are out of town or otherwise occupied, so Jessica is friendless. Additionally, everyone has apparently gotten the notice of the schools rezoning, but hasn’t yet found out what school they’re going to. It seems like it’s going to be The Last Summer of the Unicorns, which sounds really epic and I guess that’s the point of this book.
Jessica is cheered up when she receives a phone call from Rachel Grant, the newest Unicorn, inviting her to a slumber party that night. All the rest of the Unicorns are fortuitously returning to town that same night, and Lila’s boytoy is miraculously leaving town that day as well, so even she will be attending. All the Unicorns will be there and it will be oh so special.
At Rachel’s house, everyone is there except Kimberly and Lila. Pretty soon, though, the doorbell rings and Kimberly is there wearing a Hawaiian shirt and grass skirt, dancing the hula and attempting to imitate a ukulele. No, seriously. Apparently, Kimberly has an Aunt Pippa who lives in Hawaii, an ex-surfing champion who won the lottery and then opened a chain of highly successful surf shops. All pretenses of reality have been thrown out the window. As an eighth-grade graduation present, Pippa has invited Kimberly and the rest of the Unicorns to spend the last month of their summer with her in Hawaii. I guess Kimberly has gotten over not being invited to Hawaii the last time the Unicorns went.
Lila shows up just as everyone is freaking out about Kimberly’s news, and she doesn’t get excited when they tell her what’s going on. Doesn’t want to leave Wiley, you know. Despite the fact that he’s left her, but whatevs. Lila proceeds to have an hour-long chat with Wiley on her mobile phone (!!!) while the rest of the Unicorns await her answer. In the end, Queen Lila finally deigns to accept Kimberly’s offer of an all-expenses-paid, month-long trip to Hawaii with her best friends. How very gracious.
There’s a brief to-do about Jessica getting permission to go, but Ned and Alice end up saying yes. Obviously.
When they land in Hawaii, they board a bus to Pippa’s “luxury building” and feel all grown up because sistas are doin’ it fo’ themselves. Rachel makes some comment about how they won’t have to hang around with any lame sixth- or seventh-graders, which I may remind you they were just a few months ago. Kimberly makes a sad face, and Rachel worries she offended her because Kimberly’s a year older and thus she was hanging around with a bunch of seventh-graders when she was in the eighth grade.
They ride the elevator up to Pippa’s apartment, where she has the penthouse. Even Miss Lila is impressed. When they arrive, though, they’re greeted not by Pippa, but by a young-looking girl who seems really enthusiastic to see them. Turns out it’s Kimberly’s cousin Marissa, a seventh-grader (gasp and shock!!) who is also staying with Pippa for the summer. Seems Kimberly failed to tell the Unicorns about her.
Marissa basically acts like a dork, skipping around and asking tons of questions. Soon, Pippa arrives. The Unicorns decide she’s cool, and they all go out to dinner.
When they return, Rachel and Lila summon all the Unicorns (minus Kimberly) into their room. Lila throws a big stink about how Kimberly deliberately didn’t mention Marissa, and how she’s going to get on the next flight home, and who’s with her! No one is. They all resolve to be nice to Marissa, since after all, they’re all the way in Hawaii and where they don’t know anyone and thus don’t have to worry about their reputations.
Jessica is actually getting along with her until they all go to the beach and Marissa suggests that Jessica get lowlights to “bring down the yellow in her hair.” Hee. The rest of the Unicorns are like “LOLZ” until Marissa makes similar suggestions to them. A seventh-grader!!!!!!@!!!11
Rachel and Jessica notice some cute boys on the beach. There’s a club by the pier that’s having a teen night the next day, so they decide to go. On the walk home from the beach, Jessica decides maybe Marissa isn’t so bad.
The Unicorns plus Marissa spend the entire next day getting ready for the club: “Fingernails. Toenails. Hot oil treatments. Plucking. Steaming.” Dear god. The last half of that sounds like some type of recipe. Maybe for clams. Anyway, Marissa hogs the bathroom she’s sharing with Jessica and Kimberly, which pisses them off. When she finally emerges, she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Once again, she insults everyone, and when the Unicorns look to Kimberly, she’s clearly frustrated but at the same time is like, “What do you want me to do?”
Anyway, the club is totally happenin’. The girls go over to the juice bar, where a guy who introduces himself as Carl is making drinks to match everyone’s clothes. I had him pegged as gay until he started hitting on Mandy. This is what Carl looks like: “The guy behind the bar was a babe with black hair, long on top and shaved up the back and sides. He had earrings in both ears and a killer smile.”
Ahem. So, everything’s going well until Lila spots a guy she recognizes across the room. His name is Peter Feldman (who?), and he apparently “rules” Sweet Valley High. He also knows Wiley. He can’t see them! What if he sees they’re with some seventh-grade loser, and he tells everyone at SVH, and the Unicorns’ reputations get ruined forever??!!
So, anyway, Jessica does eventually run into her beach boy. His name is Jason, and he also introduces his friends Rafe and Larry to all the Unicorns. Jason and Jessica are getting all flirty until Marissa butts in and asks him to dance. Skank! After their dance, Jason finds Jessica again and they go for a walk on the beach. She’s about to rip into Marissa when he starts talking about how nice it is that her friends all do things together, and how Marissa only had nice things to say. Jessica decides to keep her mouth shut. Then, (o heart!) he invites her to a beach party coming up in a few days.
This doesn’t really fit in anywhere, but I thought you’d like to know there’s a description of Pippa wearing a vinyl shirt. Vinyl!
So, Lila has a marathon phone conversation with Wiley, and she reports back to the Unicorns that the ninth graders are beginning to be invited to “Welcome to SVH” parties, and some of them might consider taking eighth-grade dates…if they “measure up.” “Measure up” is in italics, which makes it seem to me like it means “if they’ve developed breasts,” but apparently it just means if they’re cool enough. The Unicorns would ordinarily be shoo-ins, but not if Peter Feldman sees them with loser Marissa and reports back to Wiley and he tells all his friends. God, that’s convoluted and petty. Also, why couldn’t Lila just tell Wiley that Kimberly’s lame cousin was there and they had to hang out with her? Ugh.
So, the Unicorns, with all their combined superior brainpower (and Ellen) decide to play a bunch of pranks on Marissa so she won’t want to hang out with them. They pretend to prank each other, too, so Pippa doesn’t think they’re just picking on Marissa. Unfortunately, she thinks it’s some kind of hazing initiation, because after she gets upset, she comes out of her bathroom, beaming, thanking them all for making her a Unicorn. Hah!
They can’t just be mean to Marissa or tell her she’s not in the club, because Kimberly’s pretty sure if they do that, Pippa will send them home. Lila calls Janet for an idea of what to do to Marissa. Apparently, her suggestion is to put green food coloring into her toothpaste the night of the beach party, because that’s what they do. I think Janet has psychological problems. Marissa gets upset and Pippa gets mad, so Jessica brushes her teeth with the alien paste as well. The rest of the Unicorns follow suit, but Lila makes them promise not to smile in front of Peter Feldman.
Jessica breaks ranks by having a good time with Jason, even explaining (most of) the toothpaste story to him. Except she spins it to make herself sound good. Kimberly and Marissa also have a good time, but the rest of the Unicorns all went home early because no one was asking them to dance. Jessica tells them it was probably because they all seemed really unfriendly by refusing to smile. They all get defensive and angry until she adds that there are guys who like all of them. Jess gloats about a power shift.
It doesn’t last long. At the beach, everyone is self-conscious and obsessed with looking “cool,” so they don’t do anything. Lila has threatened them all with unpopularity and outcastness if they don’t conform to her idea of HighSchoolCool. She’s especially mad at Jessica for being nice to Marissa, and when Jess calls Lila on her bitchiness, Lila blames it on Jessica not being able to deal with the fact that she’s “matured.” Bahhh. I generally think that Lila is full of Rule, but in this book she’s just a megabitch.
Meanwhile, Jessica’s rocking. Jason invites her on a day trip. Carl seems to have forgotten Mandy (and vice versa), and he teaches Jessica how to surf. Jessica is fed up with the others for bowing to Lila’s every demand, and decides she doesn’t care about the Unicorns anymore. Which is actually pretty cool of her. Unfortunately, the day trip is to the camp for “special kids” where Jason is a counselor, and not the romantic getaway Jessica had imagined. Still, she had fun. She just lies a bit to impress the Unicorns and make them think it really was a romantic date.
Jessica has another surfing rendezvous with Carl the next day. I don’t think I mentioned that Carl works at Pippa’s surf shop. Anyway, after the surfing, Carl goes into the shop and hands Jessica a piece of paper with a phone message on it. It’s for Marissa…from Peter Feldman, the King of SVH!
When Jessica gets back to the house, Lila is waiting for her. Apparently she talked to Rafe and Larry, and they told her the truth about Jessica and Jason’s “getaway.” She threatens to tell the others the truth if Jessica doesn’t apologize for lying and comparing her and Jason’s relationship with Lila and Wiley’s. Jessica refuses, and says that if Lila breathes a word, she’ll give Marissa the phone message from Peter Feldman. Lila pretty much dies.
It’s teen night again that night, and Jason invites Jessica to go with him again. A real date! Squee! Furthermore, Marissa has an earache, so she won’t be coming along to cramp the Unicorns’ style. Her mom calls and talks to Pippa for a really long time, making sure her baby is okay. Kimberly tells Jessica that Marissa’s mom is really overprotective, especially because Marissa has so many food allergies, including one to peanuts.
The teen night is a hit, and for the time being, the Unicorns resume their chumminess. It’s Marissa’s birthday soon, and Pippa has promised to take them out for a nice dinner to celebrate. So the next day, while Pippa is off opening a new batch of surf shops, and Kimberly is on Maui for some reason, the remaining Unicorns decide to go to the mall. Marissa stays home because she’s still tired from being sick.
It’s here that Lila hatches her evilest scheme to date. She decides that the best way to humiliate Marissa and make sure she stays away from the Unicorns would be to throw her a surprise party before Pippa’s dinner, and invite all the guys they’ve met in Hawaii. The catch is, they’d put peanuts into all the food. Marissa will break out in hives! It will be hilarious! Seriously, aren’t peanut allergies, like, notorious for being super serious? I knew one girl who was allergic to peanuts, and she couldn’t even smell them without having some kind of horrific reaction. Jessica, apparently, isn’t as awesome as I previously gave her credit for, because she doesn’t speak up. Peter Feldman’s on his way home, and she doesn’t have anything to blackmail Lila with anymore.
Jessica goes back to the camp with Jason, this time to stay overnight. As she and some other girl are walking to their tent, the conversation somehow turns to food allergies. The girl says she’s allergic to some kind of preservatives in hot dogs (the fuck?) and if she eats them, her throat swells up and she can’t breathe, and she’s had to go to the emergency room twice. It dawns on Jessica that the peanut prank may be more than just mean, because food allergies can be SRS BIZNESS. She can’t fall asleep, and she makes Jason take her back first thing in the morning.
Even when she tells the Unicorns that Marissa’s reaction could be serious, though, they don’t seem to care. Jeez. These girls are pretty fucked up. They also haven’t told Kimberly, because they know she’ll get mad. This is so, so wrong.
So, since the Unicorns are apparently going on with their evil peanut plot, Jessica gets Jason to take Marissa away for the day. He’s confused because it’s supposed to be the day of her party, and Jessica doesn’t give him any details, but he agrees. This guy is either really nice or really dumb. Marissa’s also confused, but she goes away with Jason and misses her party. The peanutty surprises are eaten only by those without prohibitive allergies.
Lila, of course, is pissed. She bitches at Jessica after all the guests leave, proclaiming “We’re not friends anymore! Your life will be miserable! Rahrr!”
Just then, Marissa comes “floating” in. Jessica is upset, and runs downstairs to tell Jason what happened. He’s all floaty too, and thanks her for being selfless enough to see that he and Marissa were perfect for one another. Jessica runs back upstairs and starts to cry.
Marissa follows her, asking what’s wrong. She thanks Jessica profusely, saying she’s such a good friend. Jessica blurts out that she’s not Marissa’s friend, that she hates her, that everybody hates her. Marissa asks why they were planning a surprise party for her if they hate her so much, and Jessica tells her about the peanuts.
Marissa is shocked. She tells Jessica that whether she knows it or not, she really is her best friend, because she probably saved her life. You see, peanuts cause Marissa to go into a coma. They get all weepy; Jessica assures Marissa that Kimberly didn’t know; Marissa tells Jessica how she never really had any friends.
The next morning, Marissa goes out with Jason, and the rest of the Unicorns go snorkeling. Kimberly and Pippa get home, and Jessica tells Kimberly she got into a fight with the others. Kimberly admits that she’s glad she’ll be going into high school and will be done with the Unicorns, that she’d rather be herself. Quite a change from The Spoon she used to be, eh? Eventually Jessica tells her about the peanut thing, and she flips out. They come up with a Plan.
Everyone is at Marissa’s birthday dinner. When it’s time for dessert, Kimberly makes a toast and says how they had planned a surprise party, but Marissa missed it. Luckily, she says, they saved a piece of cake. Kimberly puts it on Marissa’s plate, and she takes a big bite. Obviously, they’ve switched the cake out for a non-peanut one. Marissa makes a big production of pretending to die, and…oh, this is too good not to put in:
No one said a word. No one moved. Then Ellen’s hands flew to her face. Mandy’s knees wobbled, and she collapsed into her chair. Rachel burst into hysterical tears.
I stood up and pointed at Lila. “Murderer!” I accused.
“No!” Lila shrieked. She was positively green.
“You killed her,” I said through gritted teeth. “I told you she was allergic to peanuts. But you wouldn’t listen.”
Pippa glared at Lila. “You did this on purpose?” she raged. “On purpose? You’re a killer!”
“We all did it,” Mandy wailed, pulling at her braids. “We’re all guilty. Oh, my God! How could we do this? How?”
..And then Marissa shocks everyone by coming back to life. After the pandemonium dies down, Lila gets a call on her cell phone. It’s Wiley calling to break up. Oh, sweet justice.
Oddly Pippa never really yells at the girls for attempting to murder her niece. After the stunt, everyone apologizes to Marissa and they decide that since they only have two days left in Hawaii, they’ll try to make it as pleasant as possible and have a good time. Whatever. Jessica decides that she still loves Lila, but that she doesn’t like her. However, she likes herself, and that’s what counts. Oy.
And that's it. "Next stop, Junior High" indeed.