Sweet Valley Kids #60 - The Amazing Jessica
This is the most superior of Sweet Valley Kids books because it draws upon The Wakefields of Sweet Valley! Hurrahs!
You'll be disappointed to learn that this exact scene doesn't happen in the book. Close, though. And the costumes surely do!
The book opens with Jessica Wakefield channeling Karen Brewer. “Hi! My name is Jessica Wakefield and I have two families and I HAVE A TWIN WE’RE IDENTICAL OMG!” I paraphrase. Lalala, we’re so different but we’re best friends. Or, to quote verbatim, “But even though we’re different, Elizabeth and I are bestest friends, and always will be. It’s like that with twins.” Indeed. Why do these books switch between third person narration and first person narration?
Liz and Jess arrive home from school to interrupt Alice, who’s trying to do her Interior Decorator School homework dammit, to pester her about going to the circus. Elizabeth is all keen to see elephants. “She probably read about them in a book or something,” snots Jessica. Alice already has tickets, so the twins and Steven w00t.
Circus time! Jessica is Captain Obvious, and no-one calls her on it except me: “Suddenly the lights went out. I gasped. “It’s starting!” I cried.” Expected circus fare ensues, and Alice gives the twins permission to chuck peanuts at the elephants as hard as they can. Like, really. The exact words "I don’t see why not” and “as hard as we can” are used. Jessica hits one in the head. A baby elephant stops its performing to come and get more peanuts and no-one seems to care that the twins are totally holding up the show. Least of all Alice the enabler.
Jugglers. Clowns. Then the show ponies come out, and Jessica conveniently forgets that Elizabeth is the horsey twin and is diggin’ the ponies like nothing else. A girl about their age is riding the ponies along with the adults and can do all the same flips and jumps. Jessica’s all “When I grow up, I want to be a show rider!” and Alice is all “Like great-great grandmother Jessamyn?”
So they get home and Alice tells the story of Elisabeth and Jessamyn. And some things just need to be quoted in full:
“About a hundred years ago,” Mom began, “there were two sisters. They were identical twins. They both had blond hair and blue-green eyes.”
I gasped. “Just like us!”
“A lot like you indeed,” Mom said. “Which is no surprise, since one of them was Jessamyn, your great-great-grandmother. And the other sister was your great-great-grandaunt Elisabeth.”
“Just like me!” Elizabeth squealed.
I know, twinsies! Co-inky-dink! Although since Alice obviously knows the story it seems more plausible that she just decided to rip off Alice Larson’s kids’ names rather than the whole thing being a wild coincidence. The aligning personalities is still a bit much for me, but whatever. So yeah, Alice tells the story and, predictably, Elizabeth symphathises with Elisabeth and Jessica is all about Jessamyn. And this is the “end” of the story:
“She became a very good show rider and went all over the country, doing her routines. Her dream came true.”
I turned to Elizabeth. “See?” I said. “The story has a happy ending after all.”
Elizabeth’s frown turned into a smile. “Yeah, I guess it does,” she said.
“And that’s the end of the story,” Mom said. “Now, I think it’s your bedtime.”
That’s the END, do you hear me, THE END. And I’m left thinking of that Friends episode where Phoebe finds out her mum turned off sad movies before the sad end to shield them from the pain. WHAT KIND OF SICK DOGGIE-SNUFF FILM IS THIS? It does make sense that Alice would leave off the actual end, especially since Elizabeth was already really bummed about Jessamyn leaving her sister, but I’m still amused. THAT’S THE WHOLE STORY, GO TO BED.
Jessica decides to rename herself Jessamyn, since the parallels between Jessica/Jessamyn and Elizabeth/Elisabeth weren’t already bleedingly obvious enough. Steven’s all “I’m changing my name too! I want everyone to call me Sinbad.” Everyone at school is totally weirded out and Elizabeth is all quietly unhappy about it. Lila snots that it's just weird. Why not join in, Lila? Insist upon being called Celeste and aspire to be a maid! The fact that Elizabeth is the one who takes riding lessons is, thankfully, pointed out several times but Jessica just wants to rely on her genetic talent for circus tricks. Jessica makes Elizabeth mad by saying that Elisabeth was the boring twin, which she never would have said if Alice had included the part about Elisabeth and Tom making out at the corn husking party.
Then there’s just more pointing out that Jessica doesn’t take lessons, Jessica being sure that circus riding is in her blood so who cares about lessons, like wow the twins are very different people, and Jessica tries to be acrobatic and fails (she breaks a lamp).
Jessica tries to be acrobatic again and fails again. She tries to stand up on her bike and nearly kills herself, but Elizabeth saves her. Jessica’s all “Pfft, I’d have landed on my feet like Jessamyn!” and Elizabeth flips her lid and is all “you want Jessamyn for a sister and not me!” which is fair enough, I’d also rather have Jessamyn Johnson for a sister than Elizabeth Wakefield. Jessica gets in trouble for being dangerous on her bike, refuses riding lessons AGAIN and is really mad at Elizabeth for some reason.
So Jessica dresses like a boy (or, well, like Elizabeth) and runs away to the circus. The chapter title is Jessamyn Runs Away (Again). And she meets the young girl from the show and introduces herself as Jessamyn. The girl from the circus is called Daria Brahms (not Morgandorffer, sadly) and Jessica’s all “I want to be a circus rider!” and Daria tries to teach her the basics and she fails. For someone who rocks the cheerleading and ballet and gymnastics (in team sweet valley anyway) after less than a year of learning, Jessica is unusually full of athletic fail. Jessica wails, because she just wants to be in the circus, dammit! But Daria wants OUT of the circus!!! Because she never sees kids her own age and she has to practice all the time and they’re always moving and she wants a normal life!!! And Jessica realises that she’d have to practice on a stinky pony every day and she misses Elizabeth and worries that Elizabeth will be all upset that she ran away and then Elizabeth arrives! Because she guessed where Jessica would be! And then Elizabeth rides a horse around the ring and is thrown from it and dies and Jessica is in the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Oh, wait, wrong twins. Jessica decides to come home, but not before Daria gives them a special private show. And they come up with some super secret plan that the reader isn’t privy to yet.
So basically, Jessica ran away to the circus and Elizabeth followed her. And Ned and Alice are none the wiser.
Liz and Jess easily convince the parents to go the circus again two days later. Partway through, they pretend to want more popcorn and Alice (of course) sends them on their merry way alone. They go backstage, Jessica puts on her costume, and is part of the pony act!!!! Somehow, in the last two days, she has learnt to ride bareback and how to stand on a horse’s back! I saw my family and friends in the bleachers. All their mouths were wide open in surprise. BECAUSE YOUR PARENTING SUCKS. So Jessica stands on her horse and holds a hoop that the other riders flip through. She’s wildly applauded, yay hooray, and I’m somewhat relieved that Jessica’s unrealistic ability at athletic things is back.
Daria gets to quit the circus, and Alice & Ned refuse to acknowledge their failure as parents by congratulating Jessica on her marvelous feats. The end.
And you’ll be pleased to know that the description of Jessica’s costume is totally consistent with the cover art! Hurrah!
You'll be disappointed to learn that this exact scene doesn't happen in the book. Close, though. And the costumes surely do!
The book opens with Jessica Wakefield channeling Karen Brewer. “Hi! My name is Jessica Wakefield and I have two families and I HAVE A TWIN WE’RE IDENTICAL OMG!” I paraphrase. Lalala, we’re so different but we’re best friends. Or, to quote verbatim, “But even though we’re different, Elizabeth and I are bestest friends, and always will be. It’s like that with twins.” Indeed. Why do these books switch between third person narration and first person narration?
Liz and Jess arrive home from school to interrupt Alice, who’s trying to do her Interior Decorator School homework dammit, to pester her about going to the circus. Elizabeth is all keen to see elephants. “She probably read about them in a book or something,” snots Jessica. Alice already has tickets, so the twins and Steven w00t.
Circus time! Jessica is Captain Obvious, and no-one calls her on it except me: “Suddenly the lights went out. I gasped. “It’s starting!” I cried.” Expected circus fare ensues, and Alice gives the twins permission to chuck peanuts at the elephants as hard as they can. Like, really. The exact words "I don’t see why not” and “as hard as we can” are used. Jessica hits one in the head. A baby elephant stops its performing to come and get more peanuts and no-one seems to care that the twins are totally holding up the show. Least of all Alice the enabler.
Jugglers. Clowns. Then the show ponies come out, and Jessica conveniently forgets that Elizabeth is the horsey twin and is diggin’ the ponies like nothing else. A girl about their age is riding the ponies along with the adults and can do all the same flips and jumps. Jessica’s all “When I grow up, I want to be a show rider!” and Alice is all “Like great-great grandmother Jessamyn?”
So they get home and Alice tells the story of Elisabeth and Jessamyn. And some things just need to be quoted in full:
“About a hundred years ago,” Mom began, “there were two sisters. They were identical twins. They both had blond hair and blue-green eyes.”
I gasped. “Just like us!”
“A lot like you indeed,” Mom said. “Which is no surprise, since one of them was Jessamyn, your great-great-grandmother. And the other sister was your great-great-grandaunt Elisabeth.”
“Just like me!” Elizabeth squealed.
I know, twinsies! Co-inky-dink! Although since Alice obviously knows the story it seems more plausible that she just decided to rip off Alice Larson’s kids’ names rather than the whole thing being a wild coincidence. The aligning personalities is still a bit much for me, but whatever. So yeah, Alice tells the story and, predictably, Elizabeth symphathises with Elisabeth and Jessica is all about Jessamyn. And this is the “end” of the story:
“She became a very good show rider and went all over the country, doing her routines. Her dream came true.”
I turned to Elizabeth. “See?” I said. “The story has a happy ending after all.”
Elizabeth’s frown turned into a smile. “Yeah, I guess it does,” she said.
“And that’s the end of the story,” Mom said. “Now, I think it’s your bedtime.”
That’s the END, do you hear me, THE END. And I’m left thinking of that Friends episode where Phoebe finds out her mum turned off sad movies before the sad end to shield them from the pain. WHAT KIND OF SICK DOGGIE-SNUFF FILM IS THIS? It does make sense that Alice would leave off the actual end, especially since Elizabeth was already really bummed about Jessamyn leaving her sister, but I’m still amused. THAT’S THE WHOLE STORY, GO TO BED.
Jessica decides to rename herself Jessamyn, since the parallels between Jessica/Jessamyn and Elizabeth/Elisabeth weren’t already bleedingly obvious enough. Steven’s all “I’m changing my name too! I want everyone to call me Sinbad.” Everyone at school is totally weirded out and Elizabeth is all quietly unhappy about it. Lila snots that it's just weird. Why not join in, Lila? Insist upon being called Celeste and aspire to be a maid! The fact that Elizabeth is the one who takes riding lessons is, thankfully, pointed out several times but Jessica just wants to rely on her genetic talent for circus tricks. Jessica makes Elizabeth mad by saying that Elisabeth was the boring twin, which she never would have said if Alice had included the part about Elisabeth and Tom making out at the corn husking party.
Then there’s just more pointing out that Jessica doesn’t take lessons, Jessica being sure that circus riding is in her blood so who cares about lessons, like wow the twins are very different people, and Jessica tries to be acrobatic and fails (she breaks a lamp).
Jessica tries to be acrobatic again and fails again. She tries to stand up on her bike and nearly kills herself, but Elizabeth saves her. Jessica’s all “Pfft, I’d have landed on my feet like Jessamyn!” and Elizabeth flips her lid and is all “you want Jessamyn for a sister and not me!” which is fair enough, I’d also rather have Jessamyn Johnson for a sister than Elizabeth Wakefield. Jessica gets in trouble for being dangerous on her bike, refuses riding lessons AGAIN and is really mad at Elizabeth for some reason.
So Jessica dresses like a boy (or, well, like Elizabeth) and runs away to the circus. The chapter title is Jessamyn Runs Away (Again). And she meets the young girl from the show and introduces herself as Jessamyn. The girl from the circus is called Daria Brahms (not Morgandorffer, sadly) and Jessica’s all “I want to be a circus rider!” and Daria tries to teach her the basics and she fails. For someone who rocks the cheerleading and ballet and gymnastics (in team sweet valley anyway) after less than a year of learning, Jessica is unusually full of athletic fail. Jessica wails, because she just wants to be in the circus, dammit! But Daria wants OUT of the circus!!! Because she never sees kids her own age and she has to practice all the time and they’re always moving and she wants a normal life!!! And Jessica realises that she’d have to practice on a stinky pony every day and she misses Elizabeth and worries that Elizabeth will be all upset that she ran away and then Elizabeth arrives! Because she guessed where Jessica would be! And then Elizabeth rides a horse around the ring and is thrown from it and dies and Jessica is in the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. Oh, wait, wrong twins. Jessica decides to come home, but not before Daria gives them a special private show. And they come up with some super secret plan that the reader isn’t privy to yet.
So basically, Jessica ran away to the circus and Elizabeth followed her. And Ned and Alice are none the wiser.
Liz and Jess easily convince the parents to go the circus again two days later. Partway through, they pretend to want more popcorn and Alice (of course) sends them on their merry way alone. They go backstage, Jessica puts on her costume, and is part of the pony act!!!! Somehow, in the last two days, she has learnt to ride bareback and how to stand on a horse’s back! I saw my family and friends in the bleachers. All their mouths were wide open in surprise. BECAUSE YOUR PARENTING SUCKS. So Jessica stands on her horse and holds a hoop that the other riders flip through. She’s wildly applauded, yay hooray, and I’m somewhat relieved that Jessica’s unrealistic ability at athletic things is back.
Daria gets to quit the circus, and Alice & Ned refuse to acknowledge their failure as parents by congratulating Jessica on her marvelous feats. The end.
And you’ll be pleased to know that the description of Jessica’s costume is totally consistent with the cover art! Hurrah!