SVH #29: Bitter Rivals
The cover: Every time somebody waxes nostalgic over 80's fashions, this is the image I want to shove in their face. Elizabeth and Enid are wearing polo shirts and high-waisted, pleated pants. Elizabeth's barrettes match her shirt, naturally, and she has on way too much rouge. Amy is wearing a pastel pink dress with a drop waist and--are those shoulder pads? Ick. For those too young to remember, and those old enough to remember but practicing selective amnesia, the 80's were not about people dressing like Madonna and Prince. The 80's looked like THIS.
The A and B plots are pretty well intertwined, so I won't separate them.
The first page is the usual blue-green hair, sun-streaked eyes thing. The second page is the usual they-look-different-but-are-really-the-same thing. Third page, and the story starts. Elizabeth is excited because her childhood friend Amy Sutton is moving back to Sweet Valley! Her mother got a job at TV station WXAB--OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NOT THIS AGAIN! CALL LETTERS WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI START WITH A 'K' YOU FUCKING MORONS. Ahem. Enid is afraid she and Amy won't like each other. Elizabeth replies: "Of course you'll like each other! Amy Sutton is fabulous. She's so vivacious, so bouncy, so much fun--"
"You make her sound like a trampoline," Jessica cut in.
Which is an oddly appropriate comment, since "bounce" is appartently the ghostwriter's favorite word. It is used at least one hundred and thirty-seven times in this book.
Elizabeth and Enid are planning a ski trip to Lake Tahoe, where Enid's aunt owns a cabin. Elizabeth realizes that the weekend of their trip is the same weekend as Amy's return. Liz asks Enid if they can postpone the trip. Enid reluctantly agrees
Jessica and Cara have started an advice column in the Oracle called "Dear Miss Lovelorn." Their first letter is from a girl who can't get a date. Jessica, believe it or not, actually offers some good advice: "Dear Sad Sophomore: Quit sulking and start doing the asking yourself. Next time you want a date somewhere, ask someone! And if he says no, go by yourself and have a good time. Miss Lovelorn always has fun when she goes places by herself." Wow. However, not being satisfied with doing some actual good in the world, Jessica soon decides to use the advice column as a tool to make her current crush, Jay, break up with his girlfriend, Denise. Jay is a junior, Denise is a senior, so of course they're all wrong for each other, which makes it okay for Jessica to ruin their relationship.
The awesome Lila Fowler is throwing a costume party in honor of her cousin Christopher's visit. It is hinted here that Jessica has a really good idea for a costume. The party promises to be the party of the year, and George Fowler may even book "the number one band from L.A"., but we aren't given a name. Elizabeth not-so-subtly reminds Lila that Amy will be in Sweet Valley the weekend of the party. Lila graciously says that there will be plenty of invitations, even for Amy. This is what I like about Lila; she's a snob but she's courteous. Kind of like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan's Island.
Amy arrives, and Elizabeth promptly ditches Enid, then feels bad about it. Jessica and Amy are getting along brilliantly, because Amy's pretty much turned into an airheaded skank. Elizabeth doesn't appear to notice. Elizabeth apologizes to Enid, then all three of them go out for brunch.
Amy orders grapefruit and black coffee, claiming "I really hate myself if I weigh a single ounce over one-hundred and ten pounds." Enid is understandably dismayed. Elizabeth is still clueless to the fact that Amy has changed and that Enid is not warming up to Amy. So much for her being the smart twin. Amy bounces up to go to the restroom, and Enid resolves to keep her feelings to herself. Stupid, party of three!
Amy's a hit at school, even Lila likes her. Elizabeth is thrilled , but she wishes Jessica would stop wasting Amy's time with sorority and cheerleading stuff. Because she still hasn't clued in that AMY HAS CHANGED.
Jessica plants two fake letters in her advice column, one from a junior boy, one from a senior girl, both wanting to break up with the other. It seems to work on Jay and Denise, since apparently they can't just ASK EACH OTHER if they wrote the letters.
Lila complains that ever since Amy showed up Jessica never has time for her. We are reminded about the costume party, and once again Jessica's brilliant costume is aluded to. We are reminded, ominously, about the ski trip. You know where this is going.
Amy ditches Liz, then apologizes. Liz invites Amy along on the ski trip, Amy says sure. Then Amy announces that she'll be trying out for the cheerleader squad. Elizabeth is dismayed, and unhappy that Amy isn't spending time with her. She decides that the solution is to be an even bigger doormat: And she vowed then and there to improve her attitude, to be kinder and more generous with her friend. She was convinced that if things were less than she expected, it must be her own fault. If Liz wasn't such an insufferable, patronizing twit I'd feel sorry for her right now.
Liz may be dense, but she does catch on to the fact that Jessica has been using her advice column to break up Jay and Denise. Of course she does nothing about it.
The invitations for Lila's party arrive, and Jessica declares them "fabulous." We don't get a description, but I like to imagine they're embossed linen paper with gilt edges. Unfortunately the party is on the same weekend as the ski trip, and when Elizabeth breaks the news to Jessica that she won't be attending, it leads to the most unintentionally funny line in SVH history: Jessica was thunderstruck. "Why?" she shrieked. "Liz, this is going to be the best party to hit Sweet Valley in months!"
MONTHS, I tell you, MONTHS! Well, maybe that was meant to be funny, but I didn't get the "pause for laughter" vibe from the book at that point. Jess reminds Liz that the number one band (still no name) will be playing.
Liz and Enid were supposed to go shopping for ski stuff after school, but Liz wants to see Amy's cheerleading tryout instead. Enid is competing with Liz for the Doormat of the Year Award, and says nothing. They agree to meet for shopping later. Amy aces the tryouts and gets accepted to the squad. Liz reminds Amy about the ski weekend, but Amy isn't paying attention. Liz agrees to meet Amy after she's done with her shopping. Amy bounces.
Later, Amy drags Liz into her room for a bad makeover worthy of Blair Warner. The description is as follows: She couldn't believe that was her own face staring back at her from the mirror. She looked so peculiar! Red lips, bright pink cheeks (ok, that explains the cover, I guess), lashes so thick and dark they looked fake. Seems to me she should have at least seen Jessica looking like this a few times.
Then, while Amy is on the phone, Liz examines a bulletin board full of photots: She guessed that the tall, blond boy in the largest snapshot must be John Norton, but there were lots of pictures of other guys, most with their arms wrapped around Amy's waist or slung casually around her shoulders. There was a certain similarity about the pictures, though Elizabeth couldn't quite figure out what it was. And I'm immediately reminded of that scene from The Sixth Sense where Toni Collette is looking at her wall of photos and noticing that in every one, Haley Joel Osment is staring at something that only he can see. Creepy! So I'm wondering what the deal is with Amy's wall of photos, AND I'M STILL WONDERING BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAST WE HEAR OF IT!!! Then Amy bounces back in.
Liz again reminds Amy about the ski weekend, and Amy suddenly realizes that it conflicts with Lila's party. She begs Liz to put it off another week. Liz is understandably upset by this, because Enid's aunt has gone through a lot of trouble and they've already changed plans once. She briefly considers just going without Amy, but Amy says she really, really wants to go. Liz doormats. This time I really do feel sorry for her, because I've known people like Amy IRL, and the best thing to do with them is dump them, fast. They are what are commonly known as USERS.
Jessica gets some information on Jay, and uses it to compose another fake letter for the column. Jay suspects nothing. Jessica also extends her sociopathy by attempting to sabotage Liz and Enid's frienship. Liz suspects nothing. It's getting hard to decide who should get the Stupid Prize in this book.
Liz tells Enid that they need to postpone the trip again, and Enid is understandably pissed. She suggests, sensibly, that she and Liz just go without Amy. Liz won't hear of it. Enid doormats.
Jessica makes her move on Jay, who still suspects nothing, even when Jessica MENTIONS THE LETTERS IN THE COLUMN! Jay gets the Stupid Prize. Jess asks Jay out on a date, and he agrees. She thinks it should be a cinch to get him to take her to Lila's party now.
We finally find out what Jessica's wonderful costume is, and it's... Cleopatra. Yeah. Most over-used costume in the history of history, but I guess nobody in Sweet Valley ever thought of it before.
Amy and Liz are supposed to do lunch, but Amy blows off Liz, then apologizes. Liz doormats. Amy announces that she's in LUV with Lila's cousin Christopher, whom she hasn't met yet. Never mind, he's hott.
Jessica's date with Jay isn't going so well, so she baldly lies and says Denise has been seeing some guy behind Jay's back. Jay believes this. They make out.
Amy suggests she and Liz go to a movie, and Liz is happy. Of course Amy stands her up. Liz finally clues in that AMY HAS CHANGED. She also realizes that she (Liz) has been inconsiderate to Enid. She calls Enid's house, only to be told that Enid has gone out with some other friends. Ow. Amy finally shows up and tells such ridiculous lies that even Liz knows they're bullshit. But Liz doormats anyway.
Jessica's advice column recieves two REAL letters from Jay and Denise. Jessica intends to destroy them, but messes up and leaves them in the Oracle office. You know where this is going.
The night of the party. Liz is dressed as a skier, but thinks her costume isn't very original. It's a helluva lot more original than fucking Cleopatra, but maybe in Sweet Valley they wear ski clothes to costume parties all the time. Amy is dressed as a ballerina, and I have to admit, her costume sounds pretty cute. Lila's Princess Di costume is so lame that Elizabeth has to ask who she's supposed to be. Hee! Enid shows up, also dressed as a skier, and Liz knows all is forgiven. Aw.
On a raised dias, the Number One were setting up their instuments. And then I finally get it; "Number One" is the name of the band. DOY!
Lila's cousin Christopher shows up, and he's dressed as a hunk. Kidding! He actually is a hunk, and not in costume. Lila attempts to introduce him to Amy, but Chris only has eyes for....Enid! It turns out they met two years ago, when Enid was at summer camp and Christopher was the sailing instructor. Wait a second, wouldn't that mean Enid was...fourteen years old at the time? Ick! And wouldn't this be the same time she was all messed up with drugs and stuff? Anyway, Amy and Lila are frosted! Jay notices Denise is there with another dude and starts to cry. He ditches Jessica and runs home. Ha!
Enid and Christopher are talking and dancing and having a wonderful time, in spite of Amy's constant attempts to butt in. When Chris finally goes to get Enid some dessert, Amy unleashes a tirade that makes me think she's been hitting the drank: "Enid Rollins," she said, her eyes flashing fire "didn't I tell you before just to get lost? Don't you know you make me sick?" She looked so angry Enid felt almost afraid. [Me, I'd be very, very afraid of the demon ballerina] "I told you this last week: You can't steal people from me! [She did? Where? This is the first we hear about this] I won't let you steal Liz, and I'm not going to let you steal Chris either! He's mine," she said savagely leaning closer. "He's mine, Enid. Now just stay away from him!"
Enid's like WTF? Amy rages and froths and spits fire some more, then stomps off. Enid resolves not to let Elizabeth find out about this, even though it's not the first time Amy has threatened her. It's not? What the hell is going on?
Chris is going to drive Enid home, but Amy tricks him into driving her home instead. Elizabeth FINALLY calls Amy out on her shit, and Amy cries about losing her best friend and stomps off. Chris drives her home, and Enid blames Elizabeth, though I can't figure out why. Elizabeth now has no friends. Wah, wah, wah!
The next morning, Liz attempts to make up with Enid, who blows her off. She then tries to call Amy, only to be told that she's gone to the beach with Lila and Jessica. Jessica didn't even wake Liz up. And then, Liz does something so mind-bogglingly out of character that you'd better make sure you're sitting down before you read this next part.
Elizabeth Wakefied talks to her mother!
When you've picked your jaw up off the floor, I have another mindfuck ready: Alice Wakefield gives good advice!
So, Elizabeth finally figures out that Amy is a manipulative biyatch, and Enid had her figured from the start, but didn't want to say anything. Liz drives over to Enid's house and they make up. Aw. And Chris asks Enid for a date. Yay! Elizabeth admits that Amy isn't the same person she was a few years ago. Enid says that she isn't either, in a nice, rare moment of continuity.
Since Jessica and Cara have both flaked on the advice column, Liz takes it upon herself to write it, so that the paper will be ready to go to print on time. She grabs the first two letters she sees, which happen to be the REAL letters from Jay and Denise. She whips up some quickie advice, which presumably gets Jay and Denise back together again. Jessica stomps out of the Oracle office, swearing that she'll never dabble in journalism again, EVER. Then she gets excited about the new PBA pledge period. Cara says that's what she likes about Jessica; she always bounces back! Ya-ta-ta-ta-tah DAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAH! *bing*
Costume details:
Amy wears a black jumpsuit and boots to the brunch.
Jessica wears a cotton scarf, twice.
Jessica's Cleopatra costume consists of a gold bandeau, white sheet made into a long skirt, dark eye makeup and exotic jewelry.