Sweet Valley Kids Super Snooper #2: The Case of the Magic Christmas Bell
Sweet Valley Kids Super Snooper #2: The Case of the Magic Christmas Bell
We've had super stars, super editions, super thrillers, super chillers before. But only Sweet Valley Kids brings us the “Super Snooper.” That phrase, by the way, is never not funny. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. See? Still funny. That Francine is a comic genius.
FYI, if you type “super snooper” into Yahoo it asks you if you meant “super sniper” which is what you're going to need to put the poor souls who ever read this out of their misery.
You can see the cover here. I'm sad it's so small, because Karl the Elf looks almost exactly like Liz and Jessica, except a little smaller. It's creepy.
We open three days before Christmas. Jessica tries to peek at her presents. Liz is a wet blanket and won't let her. We get the back story: together, the two of them love being sneaky and getting all up in other people's business so they started a club at school called, wait for it, the “Snoopers.” I bet they're super!
Jessica finds a present from Great-Aunt-Helen (Continuity Check on Aisle 4, please? Has this lady ever existed before?) and she starts to feel it up, trying to guess what it is. Steven comes in, tries to get her to stop. But oops! They rip it open. It's a “ten-inch-high carved, wooden elf.” Unless it's Hermie the Elf who wants to be a dentist, I say that's one crappy present. Anyway, it's arm is broken now. Oh noes. The kids try to hide the crappy present that they've now broken. That'll solve the problem!
That night, Jessica hears a noise downstairs. She makes Liz come with her to investigate, which I think is hilarious. “I hear a noise! It might be burglar! I'll call the second youngest person in the house for help!” Downstairs, they discover the elf is alive! His name is Karl. He's just trying to get something to eat, but his arm hurts. (Karl, by the by, is wearing “knickers” which makes me giggle even though I know they mean it in the American way.) Karl tells them that Santa chose him for an important mission. I'm just going to have to quote the whole thing because... well frankly if I try to describe it you'll think I'm making this up.
“Every Christmas Eve, Santa lets the reindeer stop somewhere to rest and have a snack. Last year, the magic jingle bell that gives the reindeer the power to fly fell of Donner's harness while they were stopped. There was enough magic left to finish up and get back to the North Pole, but this year...”
Basically, a magic jingle bell gives the reindeer the power to fly. And when Santa takes them out, he occasionally makes a pit stop so they can all take a wizz and eat a cookie or two. But when they stopped last year, Donner (who must be the low-rent version of Donder, who is Santa's actual reindeer) lost the magic bell. No one decided to go look for it then, because that would be too easy. Instead they sent an elf, who wasn't at the scene of the crime, to look for it a year later when the trail had gone cold. It all makes perfect sense, even when you factor in the flying reindeer and magic elves.
Oh, and as an extra added bonus, Santa gave Karl a map of the places he stopped last year but it's in code and Karl can't read it. You'd think he would've noticed that before he left the North Pole, but whatever maybe elves aren't too bright.
Liz pulls Jessica aside and suggests they ask their parents for help. Jess is all, “No, no we don't need their help. Besides, they'll think our juice boxes were laced with acid.” When they get back-oops!-Karl is gone. He doesn't have a very long attention span does he? The girls decide to call the “Snoopers” for help. Super!
The Snoopers are: Liz, Jess, Todd, Lila, Eva, Ellen, Amy and Winston. The twins tell them about Karl the magic elf and Amy quickly points out that they are nuts. See? Amy wasn't always stupid. Lila says this shady Karl fellow is probably making the whole thing up. That would be an awesome book, Lila, but no.
The Snoopers, who are apparently left to their own devices at a Christmas parade (where there is ample opportunity for kidnapping!), spot Karl in the crowd and run after him. But when the twins grab him, it's not Karl at all (I imagine some angry little person who will soon file a civil suit) but the twins decide it must be another elf. Then they see the real Karl who is going to “talk” to the poor guy dressed as Santa for the parade. He pissily demands to know who that fake Santa thinks he is. Then he steals all the bells off the float with magic.
I'm not making this shit up, I swear!
The police question Karl about the theft of the bells. (Sure, when psychos are loose the cops are all, “Whatever, we'll get him next time” but if decorations disappear, well then they get their butts in gear!) Karl calls out to the other elf, named Fritzi, for help. But Fritzi just laughs and disappears. I bet he's just pissed about his unfortunate name. The other elves have semi-normal names like Karl, but he gets stuck with Fritzi? I bet he's tried to make them call him Fred or at least Fritz but Karl always forgets and that's why he's so mad. You would be too.
Anyway, the police take Karl the Elf into custody. (I'm sure he'll have a fun time in prison.) But at the last minute, Karl passes the map to the twins and begs them to find the bell. He tells them that Christmas depends on the twins now. Put away the ornaments, kids; we're all fucked.
The Snoopers believe Karl is really an elf now because they saw him do magic. (Lila asks why he doesn't magic himself out of police custody, and Jessica is like, “Sush! With your logic!”) They look at the map which says, “Listen! Hark! In the dark, find this mark, then embark.” Fritzi spies on them and sees the map and clue.
Karl the Elf is in a squad car. But the police decide, “La! Let's turn our backs to the potentially crazy thief and give him time to chat with these grade-schoolers.” He tells them Fritzi is his cousin and he thinks Santa is too old for the job. Like you can replace Santa. I'll put an ad on Craigslist.
The kids then see Fritzi talking to a reporter and run after him. Lila tells them they shouldn't be looking for him, but the bell. Lila will be playing the voice of reason in today's crazy-fest. They take out the map again and read another clue, “Watery geography, perfect for a honeybee, this is public property, a canopy of feathery luxury.” Jessica figures out this must be the zoo and reasons they probably stopped there because a zoo would have food for reindeer. Because zoos keep random foodstuffs around in case magic, flying creatures should arrive unexpectedly.
The kids go to the zoo. (Eva's mother drives them; but doesn't bother to accompany them. More kidnapping opportunity ahoy!) They see camels giving rides to kids. The camel has bells on its harness, and Fritzi is there! (You'd think that last part would've been the first clue.) Liz decides to accost the elf. Fritzi asks to see the map and says they're in it together. The kids caucus and decide that, even though they think he's lying, they can keep a better eye on him if he's with them.
Lila asks Fritzi, and I quote, “What's your story?” He says he's Karl's cousin (we knew that already); they work together at the toy shop; everyone likes Karl; Santa gave Karl a promotion this year; only one person got promoted. This means Fritzi got passed over for promotion. Now he's pissed and wants to overthrow Santa and take his place. It's like when postal workers go crazy and try to kill everyone, except he's an elf so it's festive.
Alas, the kids decide they have “no choice” but to help Fritzi or there won't be Christmas. They're all greedy present-grubbers at heart, I see. Elizabeth looks at the map and solves the two riddles. Apparently the first one all rhymed with “park” and the second one with “tree” so the bell is at the Sweet Valley Park Christmas Tree. I'm not convinced. It could also mean “ark flea” or “shark knee.” Find the insects that survived Noah's flood! Search for the severed body parts Jaws left behind! Those would be better books.
Naturally the tree has a bazillion bells on it. I bet that annoys the neighbors.
Fritzi magics all the bells off the tree, then admits he doesn't know how to tell which is the magic bell. Only Karl knows how to do that. Well, it's a good thing you got him arrested then, Fritz. Great planning.
So the plot continues to get more convoluted. The TV people want to interview Karl the Elf about the bell theft. (Not allowing comment on on-going investigations is so last year.) Amy tells her mom that they want to see the taping of the Christmas Special(?) so they all go to the station and accost Karl. All the kids stuff bells in their pockets and make noise when they walk. This is supposed to ratchet up tension that they'll get caught. Are you on the edge of your seat yet?
The Christmas Special involves interviewing terminally ill children from the hospital. It's a real up-beat, happy, schmappy show. Todd finds Karl. Karl tells them he has to hear the magic bell ring to know it's the magic bell. They should just put “Magic Bell: If Found Return to North Pole” on it and save everyone this trouble. He rings a whole bunch and finally finds the magic one.
Fritzi promptly steals it and dashes from the room. Nice security work, “super” snoopers. There's eight of you against one little elf. Somebody trip him or something. Jeez.
The Snoopers and Karl chase after Fritzi. He runs into the studio where they are taping the sick-kid Christmas special. All the sick kids are saying how much they love Santa Claus. Then one girl in a wheelchair says she loves the elves because they do all the work and Santa gets all the credit. Karl starts to cry, because he is so moved. Lila's the only one who still has her eye on the ball, she spots Fritzi.
Todd says, “Let's get him” and I get excited thinking we'll see our youngest ever Todd Punch!, but no, the wheelchair girl has touched the heart of Fritzi and now he realizes he cannot be Santa (eh?) and gives the bell back to Karl.
A security guard tries to take the arrested Karl back into custody (where the police at?) but he and Fritzi get away but magically knowing what the guy wanted for Christmas when he was ten. I hope no one remembers what I wanted for Christmas when I was ten. It was probably embarrassing. Oh god, it probably involved Sweet Valley High.
Then we cut to Elizabeth and Jessica waking up the next morning. They both had the craziest dream! There was an elf and a bell! When they get out of bed, they find that the elf-which was broken yesterday-is now fixed and sitting on their dresser.
I guess that's the happy ending? It sounds more like a horror movie to me. Can't you just hear the creepy music and then-oh noes! There's an elf on the dresser! And he's not Hermie! Aaaaah!
We've had super stars, super editions, super thrillers, super chillers before. But only Sweet Valley Kids brings us the “Super Snooper.” That phrase, by the way, is never not funny. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. Super Snooper. See? Still funny. That Francine is a comic genius.
FYI, if you type “super snooper” into Yahoo it asks you if you meant “super sniper” which is what you're going to need to put the poor souls who ever read this out of their misery.
You can see the cover here. I'm sad it's so small, because Karl the Elf looks almost exactly like Liz and Jessica, except a little smaller. It's creepy.
We open three days before Christmas. Jessica tries to peek at her presents. Liz is a wet blanket and won't let her. We get the back story: together, the two of them love being sneaky and getting all up in other people's business so they started a club at school called, wait for it, the “Snoopers.” I bet they're super!
Jessica finds a present from Great-Aunt-Helen (Continuity Check on Aisle 4, please? Has this lady ever existed before?) and she starts to feel it up, trying to guess what it is. Steven comes in, tries to get her to stop. But oops! They rip it open. It's a “ten-inch-high carved, wooden elf.” Unless it's Hermie the Elf who wants to be a dentist, I say that's one crappy present. Anyway, it's arm is broken now. Oh noes. The kids try to hide the crappy present that they've now broken. That'll solve the problem!
That night, Jessica hears a noise downstairs. She makes Liz come with her to investigate, which I think is hilarious. “I hear a noise! It might be burglar! I'll call the second youngest person in the house for help!” Downstairs, they discover the elf is alive! His name is Karl. He's just trying to get something to eat, but his arm hurts. (Karl, by the by, is wearing “knickers” which makes me giggle even though I know they mean it in the American way.) Karl tells them that Santa chose him for an important mission. I'm just going to have to quote the whole thing because... well frankly if I try to describe it you'll think I'm making this up.
“Every Christmas Eve, Santa lets the reindeer stop somewhere to rest and have a snack. Last year, the magic jingle bell that gives the reindeer the power to fly fell of Donner's harness while they were stopped. There was enough magic left to finish up and get back to the North Pole, but this year...”
Basically, a magic jingle bell gives the reindeer the power to fly. And when Santa takes them out, he occasionally makes a pit stop so they can all take a wizz and eat a cookie or two. But when they stopped last year, Donner (who must be the low-rent version of Donder, who is Santa's actual reindeer) lost the magic bell. No one decided to go look for it then, because that would be too easy. Instead they sent an elf, who wasn't at the scene of the crime, to look for it a year later when the trail had gone cold. It all makes perfect sense, even when you factor in the flying reindeer and magic elves.
Oh, and as an extra added bonus, Santa gave Karl a map of the places he stopped last year but it's in code and Karl can't read it. You'd think he would've noticed that before he left the North Pole, but whatever maybe elves aren't too bright.
Liz pulls Jessica aside and suggests they ask their parents for help. Jess is all, “No, no we don't need their help. Besides, they'll think our juice boxes were laced with acid.” When they get back-oops!-Karl is gone. He doesn't have a very long attention span does he? The girls decide to call the “Snoopers” for help. Super!
The Snoopers are: Liz, Jess, Todd, Lila, Eva, Ellen, Amy and Winston. The twins tell them about Karl the magic elf and Amy quickly points out that they are nuts. See? Amy wasn't always stupid. Lila says this shady Karl fellow is probably making the whole thing up. That would be an awesome book, Lila, but no.
The Snoopers, who are apparently left to their own devices at a Christmas parade (where there is ample opportunity for kidnapping!), spot Karl in the crowd and run after him. But when the twins grab him, it's not Karl at all (I imagine some angry little person who will soon file a civil suit) but the twins decide it must be another elf. Then they see the real Karl who is going to “talk” to the poor guy dressed as Santa for the parade. He pissily demands to know who that fake Santa thinks he is. Then he steals all the bells off the float with magic.
I'm not making this shit up, I swear!
The police question Karl about the theft of the bells. (Sure, when psychos are loose the cops are all, “Whatever, we'll get him next time” but if decorations disappear, well then they get their butts in gear!) Karl calls out to the other elf, named Fritzi, for help. But Fritzi just laughs and disappears. I bet he's just pissed about his unfortunate name. The other elves have semi-normal names like Karl, but he gets stuck with Fritzi? I bet he's tried to make them call him Fred or at least Fritz but Karl always forgets and that's why he's so mad. You would be too.
Anyway, the police take Karl the Elf into custody. (I'm sure he'll have a fun time in prison.) But at the last minute, Karl passes the map to the twins and begs them to find the bell. He tells them that Christmas depends on the twins now. Put away the ornaments, kids; we're all fucked.
The Snoopers believe Karl is really an elf now because they saw him do magic. (Lila asks why he doesn't magic himself out of police custody, and Jessica is like, “Sush! With your logic!”) They look at the map which says, “Listen! Hark! In the dark, find this mark, then embark.” Fritzi spies on them and sees the map and clue.
Karl the Elf is in a squad car. But the police decide, “La! Let's turn our backs to the potentially crazy thief and give him time to chat with these grade-schoolers.” He tells them Fritzi is his cousin and he thinks Santa is too old for the job. Like you can replace Santa. I'll put an ad on Craigslist.
The kids then see Fritzi talking to a reporter and run after him. Lila tells them they shouldn't be looking for him, but the bell. Lila will be playing the voice of reason in today's crazy-fest. They take out the map again and read another clue, “Watery geography, perfect for a honeybee, this is public property, a canopy of feathery luxury.” Jessica figures out this must be the zoo and reasons they probably stopped there because a zoo would have food for reindeer. Because zoos keep random foodstuffs around in case magic, flying creatures should arrive unexpectedly.
The kids go to the zoo. (Eva's mother drives them; but doesn't bother to accompany them. More kidnapping opportunity ahoy!) They see camels giving rides to kids. The camel has bells on its harness, and Fritzi is there! (You'd think that last part would've been the first clue.) Liz decides to accost the elf. Fritzi asks to see the map and says they're in it together. The kids caucus and decide that, even though they think he's lying, they can keep a better eye on him if he's with them.
Lila asks Fritzi, and I quote, “What's your story?” He says he's Karl's cousin (we knew that already); they work together at the toy shop; everyone likes Karl; Santa gave Karl a promotion this year; only one person got promoted. This means Fritzi got passed over for promotion. Now he's pissed and wants to overthrow Santa and take his place. It's like when postal workers go crazy and try to kill everyone, except he's an elf so it's festive.
Alas, the kids decide they have “no choice” but to help Fritzi or there won't be Christmas. They're all greedy present-grubbers at heart, I see. Elizabeth looks at the map and solves the two riddles. Apparently the first one all rhymed with “park” and the second one with “tree” so the bell is at the Sweet Valley Park Christmas Tree. I'm not convinced. It could also mean “ark flea” or “shark knee.” Find the insects that survived Noah's flood! Search for the severed body parts Jaws left behind! Those would be better books.
Naturally the tree has a bazillion bells on it. I bet that annoys the neighbors.
Fritzi magics all the bells off the tree, then admits he doesn't know how to tell which is the magic bell. Only Karl knows how to do that. Well, it's a good thing you got him arrested then, Fritz. Great planning.
So the plot continues to get more convoluted. The TV people want to interview Karl the Elf about the bell theft. (Not allowing comment on on-going investigations is so last year.) Amy tells her mom that they want to see the taping of the Christmas Special(?) so they all go to the station and accost Karl. All the kids stuff bells in their pockets and make noise when they walk. This is supposed to ratchet up tension that they'll get caught. Are you on the edge of your seat yet?
The Christmas Special involves interviewing terminally ill children from the hospital. It's a real up-beat, happy, schmappy show. Todd finds Karl. Karl tells them he has to hear the magic bell ring to know it's the magic bell. They should just put “Magic Bell: If Found Return to North Pole” on it and save everyone this trouble. He rings a whole bunch and finally finds the magic one.
Fritzi promptly steals it and dashes from the room. Nice security work, “super” snoopers. There's eight of you against one little elf. Somebody trip him or something. Jeez.
The Snoopers and Karl chase after Fritzi. He runs into the studio where they are taping the sick-kid Christmas special. All the sick kids are saying how much they love Santa Claus. Then one girl in a wheelchair says she loves the elves because they do all the work and Santa gets all the credit. Karl starts to cry, because he is so moved. Lila's the only one who still has her eye on the ball, she spots Fritzi.
Todd says, “Let's get him” and I get excited thinking we'll see our youngest ever Todd Punch!, but no, the wheelchair girl has touched the heart of Fritzi and now he realizes he cannot be Santa (eh?) and gives the bell back to Karl.
A security guard tries to take the arrested Karl back into custody (where the police at?) but he and Fritzi get away but magically knowing what the guy wanted for Christmas when he was ten. I hope no one remembers what I wanted for Christmas when I was ten. It was probably embarrassing. Oh god, it probably involved Sweet Valley High.
Then we cut to Elizabeth and Jessica waking up the next morning. They both had the craziest dream! There was an elf and a bell! When they get out of bed, they find that the elf-which was broken yesterday-is now fixed and sitting on their dresser.
I guess that's the happy ending? It sounds more like a horror movie to me. Can't you just hear the creepy music and then-oh noes! There's an elf on the dresser! And he's not Hermie! Aaaaah!