SVT59 Barnyard Battle
So this is Barnyard Battle. With 1992 era computers and a Pioneer farm. And if you're anticipating some kind of savage pitchfork battle, you'll be disappointed. But if you're expecting slapstick comedy involving Lila (twice!) you'll be thrilled!
For years I assumed that the slightly pudgier blond girl at the front of the group was Lois Waller (even though she's not blond) because who else in Sweet Valley isn't slim and gorgeous? But yeah, I think it's meant to be Amy. Lois isn't even in this one.
Chapter 1
This one starts off rather unsettlingly, with this: “I bet she wears orthopedic shoes and glasses an inch thick,” Jessica Wakefield told her twin sister Elizabeth. See, if I was more insecure I’d think that the fourth wall had been obliterated and Jessica was peering out of perfect Sweet Valley-topia into the grotty Real World and was gossiping about what she thought the reader would look like. Good thing that didn’t cross my mind. At all. Mhm. Not me. Oh, it’s okay, she’s just speculating about Mrs Arnette’s new student teacher. Hey, does Elizabeth ever actually refer to the Unicorns as the Snob Squad? Every single book beats us over the head with it in the intro, but does she? I think I can vaguely recall the occasional time, but still.
Anyway. The new student teacher turns out to be hot, and she can easily control the class because every single one of them starts crushing on her immediately. Aaron’s the only one who admits it though: “[Ms. Shepard] has some interesting new ideas about education and I’m sure you’ll all benefit from her presence,” said Mrs Arnette. “I already am!” Aaron Dallas called out.” Lolz at Mrs Arnette. I’m not sure if teaching history using source material exactly counts as an “interesting new idea about education” but this is Sweet Valley. Let’s just be glad they all learnt to read. Anyway, the Hairnet’s all grumpy in this scene and she seems like a crappy supervisor for Ms Shepard. Once Ms Shepard starts teaching and announces they’re doing American Pioneers, the class lets out a collective groan and Jess, Lila and Ellen start to whisper. “Quiet!” Mrs Arnette commanded from the back. Quit back-seat disciplining, Hairnet! It’s not like they’ve started rioting or anything, let your student handle it!
Anyway, Ms Shepard’s revolutionary technique of teaching consists of showing them a reproduction of a photo of a pioneer family. This amazing new development in education even interests Jessica, and the whole class is totally into it. Lila uncharacteristically tries to make herself teacher’s pet by preemptively volunteering to help demonstrate the next artifact, and sends a “Hah, I win!” look at Jessica. She gets pwned when the artifact turns out to be a shepherd’s crook. “Lila, step back a few feet and I’ll show you how it works,” Ms Shepard said. She lightly hooked the curved part of the stick around Lila’s ankle and tugged. “Yeow!” Lila cried, almost losing her balance. The class erupted in laughter … “Lila’s a sheep!” Winston shouted. “Baa! Baa!”
Chapter 2
Later, the Unicorns are at Casey’s. Apparently "everyone is talking about [Ms Shepard]". Like, as in, Lila and Ellen start enthusing about what she's teaching them. Must be a slow gossip day. It ends up in, in Jessica’s words, “another Unicorn bragging session.” For some reason, Lila thinks her dad getting a mid-life-crisis-mobile is something to brag about (seriously George, a red Jaguar?). Jessica frets that she hasn’t got anything good to brag about to win the fleeting respect of her friends. But fortunately, upon grumpily arriving home, she learns that Alice has some Super Secret Surprise for them all that she’s announcing at dinner. Jessica immediately beings fantasizing about winning lottery tickets and trips to Europe (and I initially laugh at her, but remember that both those things happened to the Baby-Sitters Club. If it can happen in Stoneybrook…). Turns out Alice got some bonus or something and is using the money for a fun, family purchase. Jessica suggests a big screen tv (because Lila dissed the Wakefield’s tv earlier) but when Liz suggests a computer (“I can do the Sixers layout and all my reports for school on it!”), that idea wins. Jessica sulks.
Chapter 3
Jess continues to sulk as the Wakefield clan go to buy their computer, but cheers up when she discovers that each computer comes with a free mini CD player. The book calls it a boom box, but I have never used that phrase in my life and don’t intend to start now. Even Lila, though she has an awesome sound system in her room, doesn’t have “a sleek-looking portable one that she can take to the beach and Unicorn meetings”! Jess somehow assumes that the CD player will be hers, since Liz got her way with the computer. Yeah, I don’t see the logic either, and neither do Ma and Pa Wakefield who insist that the CD player is also a family purchase.
Meanwhile, at school, Ms Shepard announces that they’re going on a three-day field trip, starting the following Friday, to a working pioneer farm. Okay, it’s Tuesday morning and they’re only getting notification about this now? Seriously? And all the kids are excited about trading in their weekend for three days of farm chores? I don’t get it at all…
Chapter 4
Maria, Amy, Liz and Brooke Dennis read their permission slips and discover they’re not allowed to bring anything electric, make-up, junk food etc and wonder how the Unicorns will cope. Hey! Amy refers to them as the Snob Squad! So she gleefully tells the Unicorns the read their permission slips, and runs. Lila, Ellen and Jess are all “NO MAKE-UP? WTF?” but then discover an even worse dilemma. Some concert is on this weekend! They can’t miss seeing it on tv (or, in Lila’s case, going to LA to see it live)! They convince themselves that the list is exaggerating and find Ms Shephard to confirm that the farm has a tv. Er, no girls, it doesn’t.
Aaron, Todd, Randy Mason and Charlie Cashman (I have issues with that combination of boys) have read the permission slips and seek out Liz to see if they can bring baseball stuff. Because they think she’d know when baseball was invented. Because she’s the smart twin, you guys. Somehow this descends in to a boys-are-better-that-girls argument and it all ends in a bet to see who can handle pioneer life better, boys or girls.
Chapter 5
Elizabeth types up a contract on The New Computer for everyone in the class to sign, agreeing to the bet. She also invents a payoff, without consulting anyone, and it’s stupid. If the girls win, Todd has to make a speech in the cafeteria about why girls are better than boys. If the boys win, Elizabeth does a speech proclaiming the superiority of the boys. Which is nuts. I mean, there’s no wriggle room to perform a rap of Puff the Magic Dragon instead or anything.
The next day, Aaron Dallas and Jake Hamilton eagerly accost Jess about the Wakefield’s new computer and ask to use it. Jess realises that the computer is a boy magnet! Or something. The Unicorns invite themselves over as well, to check out the computer hang out with teh boiz. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has made plans to show the Sixers staff the new computer. So Jessica, Aaron, Jake and the Unicorns arrive at Casa de Wakefield to find the Sixers staff at work on the computer. By the way, I totally imagine them to be huddled around this exact screen:
A million loves to you if you recognise this! Nothing says professional like a program that calls it a Moosepaper.
Anyway, Jessica chucks a totally unjustified hissy fit, tries to kick them out, and then goes to unplug the computer from the wall. Alice, in a responsible-parent mood, interrupts the screaming match to send the friends home and give the twins a talking-to. Saint Elizabeth sincerely apologises when she did nothing wrong, and Jessica sulks again and thus begins a grudge against Liz.
Chapter 6
Jess packs the CD player in her suitcase to simultaneously get revenge on Elizabeth and make her friends happy! Because they can listen to the concert!
The rest of the chapter is pretty boring. They arrive at the farm, get shown around, we’re reminded a million times over about all they chores they have to do.
Chapter 7
Most of the farm hijinks are way boring. Mandy kind-of-but-not-really pwns Aaron at lunch-making. Ken and Charlie act all smug about Liz and Amy’s horse-feeding ability while being vague about how much wood they’ve really chopped. Oh! Lila gets attacked by a goose when collecting eggs! It’s hilarious:
“Lila,” Jessica called, “do you have any goose eggs in that basket?”
“How should I know? I just picked up whatever eggs I saw lying around. It’s not like they were labeled or anything. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Lila shrieked again … “It’s going to kill me!”
She eventually flings the basket away, the goose gets its egg back, and Lila is covered in mud and egg. Jess laughs hysterically at her, as do I. Poor Lila, she’s full of fail in this book.
Elizabeth bonds with a horse called Slug. Some random never-mentioned-before student called Ginny Lu (because she was raised on a farm!!! Good thing she randomly turned up in time for the pioneer field trip…) teaches Liz to milk a goat, and she pwns Charlie by squirting him in the face. Which he was asking for, as he was being all smug about how girls suck at “men’s work”. Aah, I remember when I used to get so much gratification from the girls rocking at the boys vs girls style plots. Battle of the Cheerleaders was my favourite one.
In the cabins, Jessica breaks out the CD player and the girls are thrilled! And couldn’t care less about the bet, because only Elizabeth has to face the pay off. See, Liz? Stupid! Stupid pay off! Liz is pissed, shouts at Jess (!) and storms off, leaving her sister uneasy.
Chapter 8
After some initial reluctance and rethinking use of the CD player, Jessica decides selling out her twin is totally worth trading her farm chores with her friends for time with the CD player/headphones. Okay, this plot would never hold up today because every single one of those girls would have iPods with them. And phones.
Liz, Amy and Maria spy on the boys to try and catch them losing the bet. No dirt, but the boys are whining like crazy and the three decide the boys are set to crack! If only they can get back to the cabin before anyone uses the CD player! They might still win the bet! But no, they arrive and Jessica is listening to it. The girls have lost the bet.
Chapter 9
More uninteresting farm stuff, peppered with Jess not doing a damn thing because she traded almost every single one of her chores. More girl pwnage of the boys when Winston falls into a pig trough.
Apparently Liz and Maria are good enough horse riders to get to help Ms Shepard herd the cows. But there’s a storm! And lightning strikes a nearby tree! And Liz’s horse bolts! Maria gets back to the farm, Ms Shepard goes after Liz, and Jess is frantically worried about her twin.
Chapter 10
So the horse takes Liz to an old farmhouse and she’s relieved. Farmhouse = people + food + shelter, right? Well, if it were chapter three, I’d expect someone eccentric and suspicious who allows a cursed piece of jewelry to fall into Liz’s possession. But since it’s chapter ten it’s a nice farming family with a daughter who’s having her twelfth birthday party right at this exact very moment. Because even when THEY STAY AT A PIONEER FARM there’s still a party somehow inserted into the plot! So Elizabeth parties with the Corona Valley Middle Schoolers while Jess is so worried her whereabouts that she eats her own hair (not really).
Chapter 11
Jessica is still frantically worried. But Liz comes back! And Jess is so remorseful over the whole CD player debarcle that she apologises.
“I promise I’ll be the best sister in the world from now on,” Jessica said earnestly.
“I don’t want the world’s best sister,” Elizabeth replied … “I just want you.”
Burn.
So they decide that Elizabeth lost the bet and then some by going to that party, so the girls decide to go and admit defeat to the boys. So Liz, Amy, Julie and Jess head on over to the boys cabin and discover they’re watching the concert! On a tv! That someone somehow snuck in! And eating junk food! Even Coach Cassels is there! So the girls burst in, then admit that they have a CD player. A jolly time is had by all as they chuckle at their adventure and get the girls to come and join them. And presumably Coach Cassels is still there. Which I find extremely creepy.
Chapter 12
Not very interesting to recap. Hayride. Reflecting upon what they’ve learnt about pioneering. Coming home. Jess not really getting in trouble for taking the family CD player to the farm. Then a tacked on lead-up to make you want to buy #60 Ciao, Sweet Valley!.
The End!
For years I assumed that the slightly pudgier blond girl at the front of the group was Lois Waller (even though she's not blond) because who else in Sweet Valley isn't slim and gorgeous? But yeah, I think it's meant to be Amy. Lois isn't even in this one.
Chapter 1
This one starts off rather unsettlingly, with this: “I bet she wears orthopedic shoes and glasses an inch thick,” Jessica Wakefield told her twin sister Elizabeth. See, if I was more insecure I’d think that the fourth wall had been obliterated and Jessica was peering out of perfect Sweet Valley-topia into the grotty Real World and was gossiping about what she thought the reader would look like. Good thing that didn’t cross my mind. At all. Mhm. Not me. Oh, it’s okay, she’s just speculating about Mrs Arnette’s new student teacher. Hey, does Elizabeth ever actually refer to the Unicorns as the Snob Squad? Every single book beats us over the head with it in the intro, but does she? I think I can vaguely recall the occasional time, but still.
Anyway. The new student teacher turns out to be hot, and she can easily control the class because every single one of them starts crushing on her immediately. Aaron’s the only one who admits it though: “[Ms. Shepard] has some interesting new ideas about education and I’m sure you’ll all benefit from her presence,” said Mrs Arnette. “I already am!” Aaron Dallas called out.” Lolz at Mrs Arnette. I’m not sure if teaching history using source material exactly counts as an “interesting new idea about education” but this is Sweet Valley. Let’s just be glad they all learnt to read. Anyway, the Hairnet’s all grumpy in this scene and she seems like a crappy supervisor for Ms Shepard. Once Ms Shepard starts teaching and announces they’re doing American Pioneers, the class lets out a collective groan and Jess, Lila and Ellen start to whisper. “Quiet!” Mrs Arnette commanded from the back. Quit back-seat disciplining, Hairnet! It’s not like they’ve started rioting or anything, let your student handle it!
Anyway, Ms Shepard’s revolutionary technique of teaching consists of showing them a reproduction of a photo of a pioneer family. This amazing new development in education even interests Jessica, and the whole class is totally into it. Lila uncharacteristically tries to make herself teacher’s pet by preemptively volunteering to help demonstrate the next artifact, and sends a “Hah, I win!” look at Jessica. She gets pwned when the artifact turns out to be a shepherd’s crook. “Lila, step back a few feet and I’ll show you how it works,” Ms Shepard said. She lightly hooked the curved part of the stick around Lila’s ankle and tugged. “Yeow!” Lila cried, almost losing her balance. The class erupted in laughter … “Lila’s a sheep!” Winston shouted. “Baa! Baa!”
Chapter 2
Later, the Unicorns are at Casey’s. Apparently "everyone is talking about [Ms Shepard]". Like, as in, Lila and Ellen start enthusing about what she's teaching them. Must be a slow gossip day. It ends up in, in Jessica’s words, “another Unicorn bragging session.” For some reason, Lila thinks her dad getting a mid-life-crisis-mobile is something to brag about (seriously George, a red Jaguar?). Jessica frets that she hasn’t got anything good to brag about to win the fleeting respect of her friends. But fortunately, upon grumpily arriving home, she learns that Alice has some Super Secret Surprise for them all that she’s announcing at dinner. Jessica immediately beings fantasizing about winning lottery tickets and trips to Europe (and I initially laugh at her, but remember that both those things happened to the Baby-Sitters Club. If it can happen in Stoneybrook…). Turns out Alice got some bonus or something and is using the money for a fun, family purchase. Jessica suggests a big screen tv (because Lila dissed the Wakefield’s tv earlier) but when Liz suggests a computer (“I can do the Sixers layout and all my reports for school on it!”), that idea wins. Jessica sulks.
Chapter 3
Jess continues to sulk as the Wakefield clan go to buy their computer, but cheers up when she discovers that each computer comes with a free mini CD player. The book calls it a boom box, but I have never used that phrase in my life and don’t intend to start now. Even Lila, though she has an awesome sound system in her room, doesn’t have “a sleek-looking portable one that she can take to the beach and Unicorn meetings”! Jess somehow assumes that the CD player will be hers, since Liz got her way with the computer. Yeah, I don’t see the logic either, and neither do Ma and Pa Wakefield who insist that the CD player is also a family purchase.
Meanwhile, at school, Ms Shepard announces that they’re going on a three-day field trip, starting the following Friday, to a working pioneer farm. Okay, it’s Tuesday morning and they’re only getting notification about this now? Seriously? And all the kids are excited about trading in their weekend for three days of farm chores? I don’t get it at all…
Chapter 4
Maria, Amy, Liz and Brooke Dennis read their permission slips and discover they’re not allowed to bring anything electric, make-up, junk food etc and wonder how the Unicorns will cope. Hey! Amy refers to them as the Snob Squad! So she gleefully tells the Unicorns the read their permission slips, and runs. Lila, Ellen and Jess are all “NO MAKE-UP? WTF?” but then discover an even worse dilemma. Some concert is on this weekend! They can’t miss seeing it on tv (or, in Lila’s case, going to LA to see it live)! They convince themselves that the list is exaggerating and find Ms Shephard to confirm that the farm has a tv. Er, no girls, it doesn’t.
Aaron, Todd, Randy Mason and Charlie Cashman (I have issues with that combination of boys) have read the permission slips and seek out Liz to see if they can bring baseball stuff. Because they think she’d know when baseball was invented. Because she’s the smart twin, you guys. Somehow this descends in to a boys-are-better-that-girls argument and it all ends in a bet to see who can handle pioneer life better, boys or girls.
Chapter 5
Elizabeth types up a contract on The New Computer for everyone in the class to sign, agreeing to the bet. She also invents a payoff, without consulting anyone, and it’s stupid. If the girls win, Todd has to make a speech in the cafeteria about why girls are better than boys. If the boys win, Elizabeth does a speech proclaiming the superiority of the boys. Which is nuts. I mean, there’s no wriggle room to perform a rap of Puff the Magic Dragon instead or anything.
The next day, Aaron Dallas and Jake Hamilton eagerly accost Jess about the Wakefield’s new computer and ask to use it. Jess realises that the computer is a boy magnet! Or something. The Unicorns invite themselves over as well, to check out the computer hang out with teh boiz. Meanwhile, Elizabeth has made plans to show the Sixers staff the new computer. So Jessica, Aaron, Jake and the Unicorns arrive at Casa de Wakefield to find the Sixers staff at work on the computer. By the way, I totally imagine them to be huddled around this exact screen:
A million loves to you if you recognise this! Nothing says professional like a program that calls it a Moosepaper.
Anyway, Jessica chucks a totally unjustified hissy fit, tries to kick them out, and then goes to unplug the computer from the wall. Alice, in a responsible-parent mood, interrupts the screaming match to send the friends home and give the twins a talking-to. Saint Elizabeth sincerely apologises when she did nothing wrong, and Jessica sulks again and thus begins a grudge against Liz.
Chapter 6
Jess packs the CD player in her suitcase to simultaneously get revenge on Elizabeth and make her friends happy! Because they can listen to the concert!
The rest of the chapter is pretty boring. They arrive at the farm, get shown around, we’re reminded a million times over about all they chores they have to do.
Chapter 7
Most of the farm hijinks are way boring. Mandy kind-of-but-not-really pwns Aaron at lunch-making. Ken and Charlie act all smug about Liz and Amy’s horse-feeding ability while being vague about how much wood they’ve really chopped. Oh! Lila gets attacked by a goose when collecting eggs! It’s hilarious:
“Lila,” Jessica called, “do you have any goose eggs in that basket?”
“How should I know? I just picked up whatever eggs I saw lying around. It’s not like they were labeled or anything. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Lila shrieked again … “It’s going to kill me!”
She eventually flings the basket away, the goose gets its egg back, and Lila is covered in mud and egg. Jess laughs hysterically at her, as do I. Poor Lila, she’s full of fail in this book.
Elizabeth bonds with a horse called Slug. Some random never-mentioned-before student called Ginny Lu (because she was raised on a farm!!! Good thing she randomly turned up in time for the pioneer field trip…) teaches Liz to milk a goat, and she pwns Charlie by squirting him in the face. Which he was asking for, as he was being all smug about how girls suck at “men’s work”. Aah, I remember when I used to get so much gratification from the girls rocking at the boys vs girls style plots. Battle of the Cheerleaders was my favourite one.
In the cabins, Jessica breaks out the CD player and the girls are thrilled! And couldn’t care less about the bet, because only Elizabeth has to face the pay off. See, Liz? Stupid! Stupid pay off! Liz is pissed, shouts at Jess (!) and storms off, leaving her sister uneasy.
Chapter 8
After some initial reluctance and rethinking use of the CD player, Jessica decides selling out her twin is totally worth trading her farm chores with her friends for time with the CD player/headphones. Okay, this plot would never hold up today because every single one of those girls would have iPods with them. And phones.
Liz, Amy and Maria spy on the boys to try and catch them losing the bet. No dirt, but the boys are whining like crazy and the three decide the boys are set to crack! If only they can get back to the cabin before anyone uses the CD player! They might still win the bet! But no, they arrive and Jessica is listening to it. The girls have lost the bet.
Chapter 9
More uninteresting farm stuff, peppered with Jess not doing a damn thing because she traded almost every single one of her chores. More girl pwnage of the boys when Winston falls into a pig trough.
Apparently Liz and Maria are good enough horse riders to get to help Ms Shepard herd the cows. But there’s a storm! And lightning strikes a nearby tree! And Liz’s horse bolts! Maria gets back to the farm, Ms Shepard goes after Liz, and Jess is frantically worried about her twin.
Chapter 10
So the horse takes Liz to an old farmhouse and she’s relieved. Farmhouse = people + food + shelter, right? Well, if it were chapter three, I’d expect someone eccentric and suspicious who allows a cursed piece of jewelry to fall into Liz’s possession. But since it’s chapter ten it’s a nice farming family with a daughter who’s having her twelfth birthday party right at this exact very moment. Because even when THEY STAY AT A PIONEER FARM there’s still a party somehow inserted into the plot! So Elizabeth parties with the Corona Valley Middle Schoolers while Jess is so worried her whereabouts that she eats her own hair (not really).
Chapter 11
Jessica is still frantically worried. But Liz comes back! And Jess is so remorseful over the whole CD player debarcle that she apologises.
“I promise I’ll be the best sister in the world from now on,” Jessica said earnestly.
“I don’t want the world’s best sister,” Elizabeth replied … “I just want you.”
Burn.
So they decide that Elizabeth lost the bet and then some by going to that party, so the girls decide to go and admit defeat to the boys. So Liz, Amy, Julie and Jess head on over to the boys cabin and discover they’re watching the concert! On a tv! That someone somehow snuck in! And eating junk food! Even Coach Cassels is there! So the girls burst in, then admit that they have a CD player. A jolly time is had by all as they chuckle at their adventure and get the girls to come and join them. And presumably Coach Cassels is still there. Which I find extremely creepy.
Chapter 12
Not very interesting to recap. Hayride. Reflecting upon what they’ve learnt about pioneering. Coming home. Jess not really getting in trouble for taking the family CD player to the farm. Then a tacked on lead-up to make you want to buy #60 Ciao, Sweet Valley!.
The End!