Meat Me At Midnight (otherwise known as #124 Meet Me At Midnight)
It’s that time again, kids! Get ready for more mayhem and mischief in Montana. But only at midnight, since our beloved junior counselors don’t seem to sleep. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You’re working with children! For the love of god, GET SOME EFFING SLEEP!!!
When we last left off…
Todd surprised Diz at camp, putting the kibosh on her hookups with RAGING JOEY. Wow, I thought Joey was angry during rage exercises. I can’t wait until he finds out that Diz lied about her relationship with Todd! If you have no idea who Joey is or why he’s so angry, please read my previous recap. I won’t torture you by rehashing #123 Elizabeth’s Rival. After all, I’m not an SVH Ghostwriter!
Todd, being the dingle berry that he is, doesn’t suspect a thing and immediately wraps Diz in a big bear hug. Diz stares at Joey over Todd’s shoulder. Joey stares back at her impassively and walks away. What’s with the lack of emotion? Come on Joey, make with the rage!
[Todd] pulls [Diz] closer, cradling her head against his chest.
How does Todd manage to pull her any closer? He’s already gripping her with the bear hug of death! For once, it seems that Diz and I are on the same page. Diz likens the experience to suffocating.
I’m getting antsy, where’s the big dramatic scene I’ve been waiting for? I don’t want Diz to get away with being such a cheating cheater! Not that I’m on Todd’s side or anything. I’m just full of Diz hate!
Huzzah, my prayers have been answered in the form of Nicole! I am so ecstatic by the return of Nicole, that she will no longer be just plain Nicole to me. She’ll be “Nicole!” with the exclamation point from now on.
After Nicole! forces Diz to introduce her to Todd, she brazenly checks him out. Then Nicole! tells Todd that she and Diz have gotten to be really good friends. Hee hee hee! There’s nothing Diz can do! She purposefully made out with Joey in front of Nicole! towards the end of the last book and now it’s biting her in the ass! Diz can’t contradict anything Nicole! says to Todd, for fear that Nicole! will spill the beans.
But it gets better! Nicole! falls to the ground and claims her tendonitis is flaring up. Todd immediately ignores Diz to tend to Nicole!’s ankle. (He’s not a doctor, but he plays one on TV.) After he cures Nicole!’s tendonitis he should get to work on Diz’s herpes outbreak. (Oh come on, the odds are she caught it during one of her many out of town Todd-cheating escapades.)
As Diz leads Todd away, Nicole! says, “In honor of your visit, I think you should expect a surprise at dinner!”
As they walk away, Todd enthusiastically says, “What a great girl!” You won’t think she’s so great after she plagiarizes your abysmal play, spills bug juice down the front of your shirt, and pours peas over your head! (I’m sorry, Nicole! I really do love you!)
Speaking of the abysmal play, we find Jessica rehearsing a monologue for the Lakeside Love auditions later that afternoon. So who’s watching her campers? I hope Jessica at least remembered to hide the peroxide this time.
As much as the ghostwriter droned on and on about Diz’s wood-chopping play in the previous book, we never got to read any of it - UNTIL NOW! I was forced to imagine the dialogue during the last book and I imagined something like this -
Kippers for breakfast, Aunt Helga? Is it St. Swithin's Day already?
'Tis,' replied Aunt Helga
Unfortunately, Diz’s play is much, much worse. Let’s sample a monologue, shall we?
Summer love is sweet but cruel.
As fleeting as the light of a firefly.
If this is my destiny, I will bear it with grace and dignity.
For our love, I will shed no tears.
In the flicker of an instant, my fate will be sealed.
Why should someone so young be forced to grow up so quickly?
With so little life behind me, how can I decide upon my proper path?
But I am not choosing my fate.
It has chosen me.
Diz, honey, I’m going to have to chop off your hands so that you may never write again. I will shed no tears. In the flicker of an instant, your fate will be sealed. But I am not choosing your fate. It has chosen you!
I feel sorry for all the parents of the campers. They paid tuition, expecting attentive counselors and quality performing arts training. Instead, their children are neglected and subjected to Lakeside Love. Why do bad plays happen to good people?
Thankfully, we won’t be subjected to any more of Diz’s play for now. Unfortunately, we’re being subjected to Diz herself. Diz takes Todd on a tour of the camp and yammers on about all the JC responsibilities (that she ignores) and the campers (that she also ignores). Diz tells Todd that Jessica nicknamed her campers the Wannabes. Todd stares at her blankly. Diz gets pissy and asks if Todd’s heard a word she has said. (Hey Lizzie, maybe he’s tired from his 20-hour road trip from LA!)
Todd replies, “You were talking about Wannabees. And I wannabee in your arms.” Please excuse me while I vomit up things I ate last week… Todd whines about how he missed her so much, that he drove up to Montana as soon as he got a break from basketball camp.
How long is this break, anyway? The basketball camp is only a month long! How long is he staying at the camp, considering he has to subtract four days for travel up and back? This is a logistical nightmare! Why didn’t he just fly? He’s rich enough! And where are his parents to say hell to the no? He’s only sixteen years old! This is even worse than the time LC’s parents let her drive an hour and a half to San Diego for the Blink 182 concert! But I digress…
Diz did not swoon or tingle over Todd’s lovey dovey confessions and longed for Joey. For the first time, Diz agrees with Jessica’s opinion - that Todd is as boring as butter. Dude, I like butter! It’s not boring at all! But Todd sure is, even when he’s punching everyone out. I wonder who has the angriest soul - Todd or Joey?
Diz snipes at Todd, telling him that he shouldn’t have come. Todd gets all sniffley, thinking that Diz isn’t glad to see him. Diz backpedals and tells him that his presence could get her in trouble. She actually says, “I could lose my job.” (Right… Diz didn’t lose her job for getting in a food fight with Nicole! or shirking her responsibilities as sailing JC.)
Todd reassures Diz that she won’t get in any trouble. See, he phoned ahead and asked for Sergeant Lacey’s permission. He has special visiting privileges and is allowed to stay in Winston’s cabin. WHAT CAMP IN THE WORLD WOULD ALLOW THIS? NEED I MENTION THE FACT THAT THERE ARE LIABILITY AND CHILD SAFETY ISSUES HERE? But seriously, these JCs have the best jobs! No responsibilities and conjugal visits!
In addition, the JCs get to try out for roles in the camp play. Lila’s 13-year-old campers complained that it wasn’t fair that the JCs got to audition. One of the campers said, “This is our camp, not theirs.” My sentiments exactly! Not only is it unfair, but it encourages negligence. Who’s going to watch the campers during rehearsals?
On another note, how is a play called Lakeside Love appropriate for a group of kids? Honestly, the parents should demand refunds!
So the parts are announced and Jessica gets the female lead, OF COURSE. And Montana Ken (also known as Derek) plays the woodsman and her love interest. Jessica is unhappy about being reunited with Ken’s doppelganger, since the sight of him reminds her of how much she hurt Ken. Is someone in the SVH universe feeling actual guilt? It’s definitely a sign of the apocalypse.
After winning the lead role, Jessica is determined to win Paul as well. Just a quick reminder - Paul is the older brother of one of Jessica’s campers, lives in town, smells like the greasy restaurant he works in, and always carries spare tires that are an exact match for Lacey’s car. Jessica decides that the next step to winning Paul is "borrowing" Lila’s expensive Italian facial mask.
Lila only takes a few token seconds to yell at Jessica for snitching some of the facial mask, because she’s meeting her new love and fellow JC, Bo on the dock for a gourmet snack. A snack delivered via express mail from the gourmet grocery store in Sweet Valley. If I had money, I’d do the same! Camp food is gross! (By the way, have I mentioned how much I love Lila?)
On her way out the door, Lila hands Jessica a letter that she picked up for her at mail call. Lila teases Jessica, asking about her new romance. Jessica denies that anything is going on, because she doesn’t want to admit to Lila that she’s breaking her boy-free summer vow.
Lila leaves and Jessica rips open the letter.
Dear Jessica,
Please don’t try to see me again. I’m not interested in silly blondes with nothing between their ears.
Paul
YES, YES, YES!!! Finally someone got it right!
Jessica fumes and vows to win Paul. Not because she wants him, but because Nobody rejects Jessica Wakefield. Nobody. Hello, Paul? Don’t you know she’s a Wakefield?
Jessica takes her campers to the mess hall and cons them in to helping her with kitchen duty that night. CONTINUITY ERROR ALERT! At the end of the previous book, Lacey punished Nicole! with two weeks of kitchen duty. And that was supposedly two nights ago.
Diz barges in to ask Jessica for advice about the Todd situation, but Lacey interrupts and chews Diz out.
“It’s bad enough that you can’t manage to do your own duties, but do you have to disrupt your sister while she executes hers beautifully?”
(Bravo, Jessica! Beautiful job serving those mash potatoes! Encore! Encore!)
Jessica brown-noses, “Please excuse my sister. She’s not very responsible.”
(Chuckles all around!)
Lacey excuses Diz just this once and storms off. Diz storms off out of embarrassment, giving Jessica time to plot the next step in winning Paul. She turns potato peeling into a contest for her campers. Whoever peels the most potatoes first gets to be Jessica for a day. The little Wannabees are all a twitter and start peeling furiously. (First access to peroxide, now sharp objects! There’s that award-winning negligence again!) Jessica came up with this contest, knowing Tanya would win. Tanya helps out in her family’s restaurant a lot - the same one that makes Paul smell so wonderfully greasy. After Tanya wins, Jessica insists that each girl has to finish her pile.
Now that the other campers are distracted, Jessica finally gets her chance to grill Tanya about Paul. Tanya reports that a JC from last summer was mean to Paul and now he hates girls. Jessica decides that she’ll have to grill Suzanne, the arts and crafts counselor who has been working at the camp for years.
Everyone enters the mess hall for dinner. Diz sits with her campers and it looks like they’re finally starting to show her some respect. (Crap!) Her 10-year olds are impressed by her play and some of them landed parts at the audition. Todd interrupts Diz and the campers by coming up behind her and planting a kiss on her cheek. The girls go nuts and start mocking her for having a boyfriend. Diz tells Todd to go sit with Winston before he gets her in trouble. Lacey gave strict orders that Todd could only see Diz in the evenings.
Nicole! interrupts to let them know that Lacey will not be present for dinner and that she has a surprise. Nicole! informs them that she has set aside a special table in the corner for the two of them. Then she leads them over to a table right in the middle of the room, covered with a red-checkered tablecloth and candles.
Joey glares at Diz and Todd from across the room, as they toast each other with bug juice. Todd then toasts Nicole! Diz angrily forks macaroni and cheese into her mouth. Come on Diz, chuck it at someone!
The next morning, Todd assists Winston with his tumbling class. I’m so confused, I thought Montana Ken was the tumbling instructor. Anyway, there’s really no need to discuss this scene, as it is extremely yawn-worthy. Winston clowns around and then asks Todd to take over the class. THAT’S IT, I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I’M CALLING ALL OF THE PARENTS MYSELF. CAN YOU SAY LAWSUIT?
While Todd does Winston’s job, he mopes about his girlfriend, Maria Santelli (not the same Maria as the one at camp for those keeping score). He reads a letter from her and gets jealous over some cowboy who’s teaching her lassoing. Apparently, she’s spending her summer at a ranch. Who cares…
At lunch, Maria (the JC, not Winston’s unfortunate girlfriend) and Diz are on kitchen duty. Ahem, I believe it’s Nicole!’s turn. Diz bitches to Maria about the stunt Nicole! pulled at dinner in front of Joey the other night. Maria agrees that it wasn’t very nice of Nicole!, but that perhaps Diz is blaming the wrong person for her troubles. Okay, Maria is now my new favorite character!
Diz admits that Maria is right and Maria encourages her to tell Todd the truth. Good, maybe he and Joey will get into a rage-filled punching match!
But not yet! Todd is helping Aaron and Winston watch their campers. Winston flips out when the boys start to play Cowboys and Indians. He yells at the campers and tells them that the Indians were living peacefully off the land when European settlers invaded, slaughtered the Indians, and took all of their land.
Before you start thinking that a character in the SVH Universe actually has a social conscience, think again! The campers complain that it’s a fun game and Winston yells, “What’s the point? The cowboys win every time!” See, Winston doesn’t give two shits about the history of genocide in the U.S. He’s just jealous of Maria’s cowboy and is taking it out on his campers.
The campers go back to playing their politically correct game and Winston spills his guts to Todd and Aaron. Todd and Aaron decide that they’re going to turn Winston into a cowboy, so that he can win Maria back. Suddenly, Todd and Aaron seem very special - that is eating-the-paste special…
Winston abandons his campers and decides to go for a solo canoe ride. I’M ALREADY DIALING THE FIRST PARENT ON MY LIST.
As Winston’s heading out to sea (please drown), a girl hits on him and joins him in the canoe. Her name is Lara and she’s a 15-year-old camper in Nicole!’s group. How the hell can a 16-year-old be in charge of a group of 15-year-olds? SHUT THIS CAMP DOWN IMMEDIATELY! Lara explains that she’s turning 16 at the end of the summer, but you have to be 16 at the beginning of the summer in order to be a JC. Apparently, Lara asked to become a JC anyway, but Lacey wouldn’t budge on the rules. But she’ll put a 16-year-old in charge of six 15-year-olds?
Lara flirts with Winston some more and I can’t imagine why. Lara asks if he has a girlfriend and Winston tells her he used to. (Winston, perhaps you should talk to Maria before you end your relationship?) He confides in Lara about Maria’s cowboy. Lara tells him that he doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment and that if she were his girlfriend, she’d treat him right.
Winston tries to flirt back, asking, “What kind of cowboy do you think I’d make?”
“The kind like Cowboy Curtis!”
Oops, sorry. That was my answer. Unfortunately, Lara says, “A very sexy one.” In a husky voice, I might add. (Eeewwww! Dinner’s coming back up again…)
Moving on to less disgusting storylines - Jessica finally gets her chance to grill Suzanne about Paul. Suzanne explains that Paul dated a blonde JC during the previous summer. It turned out that the JC was only using Paul to make her boyfriend jealous. Paul was so angry that he vowed never to have anything to do with the camp or its counselors again. Suzanne warned Jessica not to waste her time and to stay away from Paul. Jessica, being Jessica, decides to fight for Paul even harder. Yeah, he sounds like a real winner…
Winston’s also a real winner! Todd and Aaron force him to dress like a cowboy to get into the part. I can’t seem to stop yawning. I wonder why?
And now it’s time for the JCs to play Sardines! Hilariously, Lila and Bo thought that the game involved eating sardines. They were very relieved to find out that it’s just hide-and-go-seek on crack. One person plays the part of the sardine and hides. Everyone else has to try to find the sardine. If you find the sardine, you have to hide with the sardine. The last person to find the sardine loses and has to play the sardine in the next round.
Who’s watching the campers while the JCs wander around in the dark? (I know I should really stop asking that question at this point. But it’s still bothering me!) Joey is the first sardine. Diz pretends to look for Joey, so that she can avoid Todd. But she’s also trying to avoid finding Joey, because she feels guilty for lying to him about Todd.
As Diz wanders through the forest, Joey pokes his head out of his hiding place and motions for her to join him. They hug and he tells her he misses her. Diz is very relieved that Joey doesn’t hate her. (I’m not! I want to see the rage!) Joey says that at first he was hurt, but he’s been watching and can tell that Diz doesn’t really love Todd. Joey asks her to end the relationship with Todd and Diz agrees.
Diz and Joey kiss to seal the deal. As soon as the kiss ends, a flashlight shines into their hiding place. It’s Todd and unfortunately he didn’t witness the kiss. Instead, he joins the two of them in the hiding place. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Todd puts his arm around Diz as Joey’s eyes burn into hers. He scratches on window screens and his eyes glow in the dark? I knew he was a cat!
The next morning, Diz wakes up early to see Todd off. She’s all set to tell him that the relationship’s over, but can’t go through with it. They watch the sunrise together and start making out (passionately and with a fervor, OF COURSE). Todd tells her he’s fallen in love with her all over again and Diz tells him that she’s fallen in love all over again too. Is it time for some Joey rage yet? Is it? IS IT?
Today’s the day that Tanya gets to pretend to be Jessica. She dresses up in a dance costume to lead the dance class, when Jessica tells her that she should be wearing something purple. Do I smell continuity from SVT or is this just a coincidence? Tanya says that she doesn’t have anything purple at camp, but she has a purple sweatshirt at home. Jessica suggests that Tanya call her brother and ask him to drop it by. Jessica, I think you’re acting a tad desperate at this point…
Now, I’m confused again. It’s mid-morning and Todd hasn’t left yet. A bunch of the campers are gathered around him, vying for his attention. Apparently, the kids love the crap out of him and are sad to see him go. He may be a tool, but he definitely paid more attention to them than any of the JCs did. The campers are starved for attention. Oh, won’t somebody ple-e-ease think of the children?
And won’t somebody please help Diz? And by help, I mean smack! During the sailing workshop, Rose asks her to go get a rope from the boathouse. Diz walks into the boathouse, but instead of getting the rope, she takes a seat. Screw responsibility! Diz must think and she must think right now!
Maria happens to be in the boathouse too, gathering props for the play. Diz confesses that she never broke it off with Todd and that she thinks she’s in love with two boys at once. Maria says that she doesn’t think that’s possible - one has to be love and the other has to be an infatuation. Oh hell, Diz is 16-years-old. Neither one is love, unless we’re counting puppy love. Chances are they’re both infatuations. Diz tells Maria that she’s not going to tell Todd about Joey and that she’s not going to tell Joey that she didn’t break up with Todd. Maria tells Liz that she’s headed for trouble. Maria is awesome!
Diz goes back to the JC cabin after the sailing workshop is over. I guess this means that she eventually brought the rope to Rose as instructed. Nicole! immediately confronts her about seeing two guys at once. Nicole! orders Diz to break things of with Joey and to put in a good word for her. Nicole! threatens to write a letter to Todd if Diz refuses. Nicole! already found Diz’s address book and copied Todd’s address.
At dinner, Diz tells Maria about Nicole!’s threat. Maria smartly stays out of the mess. Diz then tells Joey that she made a mistake, she’s in love with Todd, and that Joey would be much happier with Nicole! (Who wouldn’t be? Nicole! may be a liar, but at least she’s not Diz!)
Lila and Bo meet at 10pm on the dock for another snack from the gourmet grocery store in Sweet Valley. This time, the express mail package includes caviar. Only Lila Fowler! Then they make lovey dovey talk and smooch.
The next morning, Winston acts like a sour puss because he gets another letter from Maria full of details about Cowboy Hank. GROW UP, WINSTON!
Paul arrives with the purple sweatshirt and Jessica worms her way into talking to him alone. Paul is ticked off. He’s not full of rage, though. That’s Joey’s department.
Winston continues to act like Cowboy Curtis and attempts to lasso a boat anchor. Wow, how authentic! Lara approaches him in a tiny bikini and asks Winston to help her apply sunscreen.
Jessica confronts Paul about the JC from last summer, but Paul refuses to open up. Jessica opens up about her dead gangster boyfriend, but edits out the part where she cheated on Ken. Paul feels terrible and gives her a hug. Tanya cheers from a distance and Paul accuses Jessica of setting this whole thing up. Jessica counters that Paul is just looking for an excuse not to go out with her. Paul kisses her roughly (hmm, it’s not quite a rage, but maybe a little rage-let?) and agrees to go out with her. Paul assures her it’s not because he likes her, but because he wants to prove he’s not afraid. How charming…
Diz goes for a walk late at night to mope over losing Joey again. She walks to the boathouse and hears giggling and clothes rustling inside. She feels sick, remembering that Nicole!’s bed was empty. Diz thinks that Joey is in the boathouse with Nicole! and that he lied about not having feelings for Nicole!. Diz, you dummy! You practically threw Nicole! at him yesterday. What did you expect?
Jessica sneaks out of the JC cabin and meets Paul in the woods at midnight. Paul has a picnic complete with apple cider in wine glasses. I don’t think the two ever get around to eating the food, because they spend the whole time making out.
When Jessica gets back to the cabin at 2am, Lila is waiting up for her. Jessica decides to climb over Lila’s bed to get to her own, so that she doesn’t disturb the other JCs. Lila pulls on Jessica’s ankle while she’s in midair, causing Jessica to fall on top of her. Nicole! yells at them for making noise and the two run out of the cabin giggling. Jessica tells Lila about Paul and swears her to secrecy.
The next morning, Nicole! brags about her late night hookup with Joey to all of the JCs. Diz can’t bare to listen to her. That night, the JCs have a campfire after the campers go to bed. Diz doesn’t stick around, because the sight of Joey and Nicole! makes her sick. Jessica decides to take Lacey’s car into town again and asks Lila to cover for her.
Maria finds Diz alone on the dock and asks if Joey and Nicole! were getting to her. Diz bashes Nicole!, but this time Maria sticks up for Nicole! Maria says that she doesn’t condone Nicole!’s actions, but that Diz wasn’t being fair trying to date two guys at once. Once again, Diz admits that Maria is right. Go Maria Go!
Jessica arrives at Paul’s family’s restaurant, but the place is packed and Paul can’t get off work. Jessica pitches in and helps out in the kitchen and then heads back to camp. As Jessica pulls the car up to Lacey’s cabin, the lights go on and Lacey storms out yelling. Jessica hides in the trees until Lacey goes back inside.
Jessica and Lila sunbathe the next day. Apparently it is a day off for all of the JCs. That’s stupid! Camps usually stagger days off for counselors, so that there is always enough coverage. Jessica and Lila are so relieved to finally have some free time. (Really? It seems like they always have a lot of free time!)
Lacey gets on the loudspeaker and orders all counselors to the main lodge for a meeting. Okay, if all senior and junior counselors are in the main lodge, then there really is no one watching the kids! Lacey reports that some of the JCs are breaking the rules and she reviews them all. Lacey puts a special emphasis on the ban on sneaking into town, while staring at Jessica. Lacey threatens expulsion for anyone who breaks the rules. Uh oh, I think Jessica’s glory days are over!
Then there’s some nonsense about Aaron making Winston ride a horse as part of his cowboy training. I am so sick of this particular storyline.
Joey is blocking scenes with the actors for the upcoming camp play. At the end of the play, Jessica and Montana Ken are supposed to kiss. Montana Ken uses this as an opportunity to flirt with Jessica, much to her disgust.
In the middle of rehearsal, Lacey barges in and pulls Jessica out of rehearsal. Lacey tells Jessica that she knows about her stealing the car and sneaking into town. Lacey decides to let her off with a warning and give her one more chance, because of her stellar performance on the job. (Groan!)
Jessica writes a letter to Paul, explaining why she can’t see him at night and inviting him to the play in a few nights. Jessica hands the letter to the mail carrier and begs him to deliver it that day. The mail carrier informs her that all mail is routed through Helena and that it will take about two days. Jessica begs him to do her a favor and get the letter to the restaurant that day. The mail carrier gives in for some reason and takes off.
Diz sits in on the final dress rehearsal of the play and is turned on by Joey directing the play she wrote. Joey is acting a bit goofy too with Diz sitting in the audience. He accidentally calls Jessica Liz and Diz gets her hopes up that he still has feelings for her. After rehearsal, Nicole! appears and whisks Joey away. Diz is heartbroken and tells Maria that she doesn’t think it’s such a good idea for her to be involved in the play. Um, the play goes on in two days. How much more involvement could there possibly be?
The next afternoon, Lara hits on Winston while he is riding his horse. This time, he gives in and makes out with her. Winston stops and tells her that they can’t kiss, because of the camp rules and the fact that he still has a girlfriend. Lara tells him, “You’ll come around,” and sashays away. Yikes, what is it with these psychotic teenagers? I never knew anyone in high school who took crushes this seriously!
On a less creepy note, Jessica loses control of her campers and they get into a food fight in front of Lacey. Yep, Jessica’s glory days are definitely over!
Lacey calls a mandatory meeting for all counselors that night (while the campers roam free, I’m sure). I’ll have you know that this a very important meeting. The camp color war starts in a few days and it’s time to pick the team captains out of a hat. I bet you didn’t see this one coming, but Nicole! is captain of the blue team and Diz is captain of the red team. Hmm, I wonder what kind of zany adventures we have to look forward to?
After the meeting, Jessica jogs up the road a mile to the nearest payphone. To her surprise, Lacey is sitting on the bench near the phone darning a sweater. Lacey tells her that she can use the phone if she wants. Lacey was just sitting on the bench waiting for a call. What the hell? Doesn’t the camp have at least one working phone? What does Lacey do in an emergency without a spare tire or a working phone? QUIT DARNING AND GET A FREAKING PHONE LINE INSTALLED!!!
Jessica lies and tells Lacey she was just going for a jog. Side note, aren’t counselors who work at overnight camp granted some phone privileges? This is ridiculous!
By the next afternoon, Jessica is so desperate to get a hold of Paul that she takes a bike and rides into town to the restaurant. Jessica reassures Lila that she’ll be back in time for the curtain call. Quick question, why didn’t she ride over to the payphone and try calling him before riding all the way into town?
Winston receives two letters in the mail - one from Lara and one from Maria. The one from Lara is a sappy love letter, of course. Maria’s letter gushes some more about Cowboy Hank. As Winston puts the letter aside, a picture falls out of the envelope. Winston is terrified that it’s a wedding shot. Then Winston reminds himself that Maria is only 16-years-old and not getting married any time soon. Um, Winston, she was engaged to Michael Harris earlier in the school year. Don’t be so sure!
Winston finally looks at the picture and starts laughing. Hank is an old man. A very relieved Winston can’t wait to tell Maria about the mix up, knowing that she will have a good laugh over the whole thing. Oh, right! I’m sure she’ll be very amused that you made out with another girl!
Jessica finally makes it to the restaurant, only to discover that it’s Paul’s day off. She asks a waiter for the address, so that she can bike over. He breaks the news that she can’t bike over, because the only way to his house is on the highway. The waiter offers to spin her over to the house during his break. Hey, Jess! Now would be a good time to pick up the phone and call Paul!
Jessica finds an angry Paul when she gets to his house. He never received the letter and he is pissed off that he ever trusted her. Once they clear up the mix-up, they kiss and make up. Jessica invites him to the play and asks for a ride back to camp. The curtain’s in two hours. Paul breaks the bad news that his parents are out of town and that they have his truck. Jessica flips out because she left her bike at the restaurant. There’s no way she’ll make it back to camp in time for the play. She’s let everyone down. There are no understudies, all the parents are coming (except for Tanya’s apparently), and important people in the movie business. I’m struggling not to laugh at the thought of important people in the “movie business” trekking all the way out to Montana to see Diz’s dumb play!
Diz and Maria are in a panic, because Jessica is nowhere to be found. Lila finally tells them, but swears them to secrecy. The girls decide that Diz has to pull a twin switch and do the part. After all, she looks just like Jessica and knows all the lines she wrote by heart.
After Diz performs that terrible monologue, she and Montana Ken perform the final scene. They drop berries in each others mouths (I’m shaking so hard with laughter that I can barely type at this point), kiss, hold hands, and walk backwards slowly through the trees. After Diz and Montana Ken disappear from the audience’s sight, the stage goes black, the curtain falls, and the sound of wood-chopping echoes throughout the auditorium. (I’m practically having convulsions now!) Apparently, there was a hush in the audience. At first, I assumed that meant that everyone had fallen asleep, but sadly they broke into thunderous applause. I’m really hoping that applause was purely out of relief that this abomination was over.
After the play, Lara approached Winston, asking if he received her letter. Winston paused, trying to think of a way to let her down gently, because girls were very vulnerable at her age. WINSTON, YOU DICKWAD! SHE’S LESS THAN A YEAR YOUNGER THAN YOU! He finally tells her that he and Maria are still in love. Lara does a complete 180 from the day before and shrugs it off. Then she makes a beeline for the 14-year-old camper working the sound board. Oy vay!
Joey finds Diz backstage and starts making out with her. Diz breaks away, sobbing because she thinks that Joey is in love with Jessica. Joey pulls her back to him and tells her he knew all along that she wasn’t Jessica. He’s been studying her all summer. (That’s not creepy at all!)
Then Joey drops these gems, lines that would have fit in nicely in Lakeside Love!
“You can’t resist this and neither can I, Elizabeth! Even if our love has to be painful and fleeting, we have to seize the moment and live for today.”
Relax, Joey! You’re going away to college in a couple of months. You’ll meet girls who are less sanctimonious and much sluttier.
Joey asks her to meet him at midnight by the lake and walks away. Nicole! steps out from behind the curtain and says, “You’ll regret that, Wakefield!” (I sure hope so!)
Diz and Joey meet later that night and make out in a canoe drifting in the middle of the lake. Joey apologizes to Diz and tells her that he never liked Nicole! He was only using Nicole! to get back at Diz. Joey is such a shithole!
Diz admits that the only reason she encouraged him to be with Nicole! was because Nicole! threatened to tell Todd about Diz and Joey. Diz admitted to Joey that she wasn’t quite ready to give up Todd and felt that she had no choice. Joey gets angry at Nicole! for being so deceitful. Um, what about Diz? She was pretty deceitful too! Why aren’t you mad at her? Oh that’s right, she’s an EFFING WAKEFIELD!
Diz tells Joey that she no longer cares if Todd finds out. Joey’s the one she wants. That’s right, until Todd shows up and you fall in love all over again, ALL OVER AGAIN!
Meanwhile, Jessica and Paul wake up on his front lawn. Supposedly, they fell asleep looking at the stars. Likely story! Jessica frets about how she’s going to get back to camp.
Tune in next time to find out how Jessica makes it back to camp. I know, I can barely stand the excitement…