Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets (recap three)
I don't mean to flood 1Bruce1, but I'm bored, and Secrets is just so snarkable!
Here's the cover. http://madteaparty.dreamhosters.com/closet/bookcovers/svh/svh002.jpg . Liz looks like she sees a roach in her sister's hair. and Jessica is all "more juicy details while I talk on my Barbie phone!"
Snark ahead. Plus...how I became the Sweet Valley Girl at college.
We open with Cara Walker zipping up the dress that Jessica will be wearing on her date with some-day-gay-Tom Mckay. Cara reflects that "as usual, [Jessica was] too gorgeous for words" and sighs at her inferior-ness. Jessica is bitching about how Elizabeth got her dumped into the pool by those who thought Jess was the 'Eyes and Ears' gossip writer, in retaliation for Jessica letting Elizabeth be arrested for Jesisca's illegal trip to Kelly's. Jeez, that was an awkward sentence. But Cara reassures her by saying Jessica is sexy wet...kind of "Like Bo Derek in '10'" Wow. My parents got alarmed when I wanted to see 'Billy Eliot'. '10' is a really slut movie. Jessica is reassured, but hopes that Bruce didn't see her because she's...lyk so in love wit Bruce!!!1!!1 Jess thinks if she can be queen of the fall dance (just one of the first of many dances) that he'll fall in love with her. She wants the crown really, really badly! It means EVERYTHING to her. What Jess wants, she must get!
Meanwhile, Enid and Elizabeth are baking cookies, and Enid spills to the Oracle at Lizzie about how her formerly druggy ex-bf George has been writing her, and she's been writing back! The letters aren't romantic! Nothing's going on--but what if her BF Ronnie Edwards finds out? Ronnie requires total devotion. Girls must be doormats to be worthy, cause Ronnie's a real moralist. He even saw that there was something sinful about Enid studying with another dude! coughpossesive relationships cough... Liz is all "Just explain...and everything will be magical" Enid's like "No, it won't be, it'll take time, so it isn't worth it, I'm gonna keep hiding" Later, after eating cookies, Liz tells ghost stories. Um, most teens don't bake cookies and tell ghost stories at sixteen. They listen to music, share gossip, and chug down pizza...Enid pushes the thought of Ronnie going away from her mind, because losing a guy is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, especially in Bitch Valley.
Jessica is in French class, wishing she were wearing her wet-look bronze swimsuit (must be blindingly metallic) which she bought from a store called the Foxy Mama, which, honestly, makes me think of a store that sells slutty maternity clothes. Yes, I 'love' the word slut. It's just so...slutty. Ms. Nora Dalton, the pretty French teacher humiliates Jessica by asking her to pay attention in school. Afterwards, Lila spreads a rumor about how Ken and Ms. D. are having an affair and there's a lot of sex-insinuation going on. There's also a blurb about how Mr. Collins is a "hunk" at SV and has his eyes on Ms. D. More fishing for the crown\Bruce as Jess tries to figure out how to rope Ronnie into getting votes for her. Enid's a candidate for Queen of the Dance, too--and that can't be. No luck! Life is awful for Jess. She comes home, eats the cherry tomatoes Mrs. W (who's like an older version of the twins, you know?) is putting in a salad, and totally trashes Enid. Instead of trying to instill morals, Alice pats her on the back and realizes that there is no way her youngest daughter is a bitch. Jess is only saying cruel things because she's jealous that Liz spends time with her friends. Good going, Alice. Jessica gets tomato juice on her dry-clean-only sweater and runs upstairs, crying, to Liz's room, since her own room is messy. She conveniently spies...one of George's letters to Enid. It fell out! She copies it with Ned's legal-document-copying-Xeroxer.
Ronnie starts acting cool to Enid. He tries to make out with her, but the magic is gone, and she doesn't "respond". He's like "I guess you just save the best dry humping for George, huh?" Todd and Elizabeth gossip about the couple's looming breakup (but it isn't gossip! They're just concerned!) But Enid probably wouldn't give a shit about the gossip; she's angrier about...Liz telling Ronnie about the letters! But Liz didn't! Dun dun dun DUUUN.
Jessica's in seventh heaven and goes to a Lila-party at Fowler crest. She wants to impress Bruce, but he's off with a college girl...how dare he! So, she gets Ronnie to be her date, hoping to manipulate him into getting more crown-votes.
At school the next day, the whole school is a-buzz with Ms. Dalton\Ken gossip. 'If you don't know what a French kiss is, ask Ken' is scrawled on the blackboard. Ms. Dalton, in sunglasses, runs out and cries. Cara thinks she'll be fired because, according to her father, who plays golf with Chrome Dome Cooper, Cooper is "practically Billy Graham (!!!) when it comes to teachers' morals"
Enid gives Liz the nasty treatment. Liz is understandably aghast, although if I were Enid, I'd probably go to the conclusion that Liz ratted. Jess is all sweet to Enid, pretending to Liz that she's concerned, so ALL SUSPICION OF JESS IS WIPED AWAY.
Then Liz confides in Mr. Collins if you're nasty. He's like Dear Abby, but hot. He gives advice. But, he's so hot that "sometimes it was hard to keep her (Liz's) mind on what she was saying". OH? What kind of things do you think, Liz? He gives good advice, at least to Liz, and she asks him how he got to be so smart. Mr. Collins is all "because I'm older, durr". But he adds that he's not THAT old, because, in his words, "How would all you goof-offs get along without me to crack the whip over you?" Oh, that is giving me a lot of bad visuals. Whips...Elizabeth...Mr. Collins...the secluded paper office...
Enid seeks advice from Ms. Dalton. Ms. Dalton tells her to talk to Liz, but when Enid asks her to face her own problems, Ms. Dalton won't face up. Enid runs crying from two-faced Ms. Dalton's house.
More drama occurs. Ms. Dalton finally decides to go to the dance. Liz and Enid come to terms and make up, because Liz did not spill about those letters. And then the queen is announced! It's JESSICA! She's all "I can haz crown?" and then the king is announced. WINSTON! She's humilated. Liz rails on her about ruining Enid's rep. Jessica feels guilty, and Liz actually forces her to dance with Win and fake a smile. But Jess is inwardly disgusted because the Disco Dance (dance # 14505083983) is coming up in three weeks, and she HAS to stay with Win, by school rules. Fuck yah!
Then she notes Bruce oggling her, and because he's handsome and rich and not a hospital stalker or werewolf, it's okay.
P.S. I keep requesting Sweet Valley books through interlibrary loan, earning some strange\curious comments from the librarians at my community college, which I attend. Yesterday, one of the librarians said that she's so curious, she's going to start reading SVH! OMG...
Here's the cover. http://madteaparty.dreamhosters.com/closet/bookcovers/svh/svh002.jpg . Liz looks like she sees a roach in her sister's hair. and Jessica is all "more juicy details while I talk on my Barbie phone!"
Snark ahead. Plus...how I became the Sweet Valley Girl at college.
We open with Cara Walker zipping up the dress that Jessica will be wearing on her date with some-day-gay-Tom Mckay. Cara reflects that "as usual, [Jessica was] too gorgeous for words" and sighs at her inferior-ness. Jessica is bitching about how Elizabeth got her dumped into the pool by those who thought Jess was the 'Eyes and Ears' gossip writer, in retaliation for Jessica letting Elizabeth be arrested for Jesisca's illegal trip to Kelly's. Jeez, that was an awkward sentence. But Cara reassures her by saying Jessica is sexy wet...kind of "Like Bo Derek in '10'" Wow. My parents got alarmed when I wanted to see 'Billy Eliot'. '10' is a really slut movie. Jessica is reassured, but hopes that Bruce didn't see her because she's...lyk so in love wit Bruce!!!1!!1 Jess thinks if she can be queen of the fall dance (just one of the first of many dances) that he'll fall in love with her. She wants the crown really, really badly! It means EVERYTHING to her. What Jess wants, she must get!
Meanwhile, Enid and Elizabeth are baking cookies, and Enid spills to the Oracle at Lizzie about how her formerly druggy ex-bf George has been writing her, and she's been writing back! The letters aren't romantic! Nothing's going on--but what if her BF Ronnie Edwards finds out? Ronnie requires total devotion. Girls must be doormats to be worthy, cause Ronnie's a real moralist. He even saw that there was something sinful about Enid studying with another dude! coughpossesive relationships cough... Liz is all "Just explain...and everything will be magical" Enid's like "No, it won't be, it'll take time, so it isn't worth it, I'm gonna keep hiding" Later, after eating cookies, Liz tells ghost stories. Um, most teens don't bake cookies and tell ghost stories at sixteen. They listen to music, share gossip, and chug down pizza...Enid pushes the thought of Ronnie going away from her mind, because losing a guy is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, especially in Bitch Valley.
Jessica is in French class, wishing she were wearing her wet-look bronze swimsuit (must be blindingly metallic) which she bought from a store called the Foxy Mama, which, honestly, makes me think of a store that sells slutty maternity clothes. Yes, I 'love' the word slut. It's just so...slutty. Ms. Nora Dalton, the pretty French teacher humiliates Jessica by asking her to pay attention in school. Afterwards, Lila spreads a rumor about how Ken and Ms. D. are having an affair and there's a lot of sex-insinuation going on. There's also a blurb about how Mr. Collins is a "hunk" at SV and has his eyes on Ms. D. More fishing for the crown\Bruce as Jess tries to figure out how to rope Ronnie into getting votes for her. Enid's a candidate for Queen of the Dance, too--and that can't be. No luck! Life is awful for Jess. She comes home, eats the cherry tomatoes Mrs. W (who's like an older version of the twins, you know?) is putting in a salad, and totally trashes Enid. Instead of trying to instill morals, Alice pats her on the back and realizes that there is no way her youngest daughter is a bitch. Jess is only saying cruel things because she's jealous that Liz spends time with her friends. Good going, Alice. Jessica gets tomato juice on her dry-clean-only sweater and runs upstairs, crying, to Liz's room, since her own room is messy. She conveniently spies...one of George's letters to Enid. It fell out! She copies it with Ned's legal-document-copying-Xeroxer.
Ronnie starts acting cool to Enid. He tries to make out with her, but the magic is gone, and she doesn't "respond". He's like "I guess you just save the best dry humping for George, huh?" Todd and Elizabeth gossip about the couple's looming breakup (but it isn't gossip! They're just concerned!) But Enid probably wouldn't give a shit about the gossip; she's angrier about...Liz telling Ronnie about the letters! But Liz didn't! Dun dun dun DUUUN.
Jessica's in seventh heaven and goes to a Lila-party at Fowler crest. She wants to impress Bruce, but he's off with a college girl...how dare he! So, she gets Ronnie to be her date, hoping to manipulate him into getting more crown-votes.
At school the next day, the whole school is a-buzz with Ms. Dalton\Ken gossip. 'If you don't know what a French kiss is, ask Ken' is scrawled on the blackboard. Ms. Dalton, in sunglasses, runs out and cries. Cara thinks she'll be fired because, according to her father, who plays golf with Chrome Dome Cooper, Cooper is "practically Billy Graham (!!!) when it comes to teachers' morals"
Enid gives Liz the nasty treatment. Liz is understandably aghast, although if I were Enid, I'd probably go to the conclusion that Liz ratted. Jess is all sweet to Enid, pretending to Liz that she's concerned, so ALL SUSPICION OF JESS IS WIPED AWAY.
Then Liz confides in Mr. Collins if you're nasty. He's like Dear Abby, but hot. He gives advice. But, he's so hot that "sometimes it was hard to keep her (Liz's) mind on what she was saying". OH? What kind of things do you think, Liz? He gives good advice, at least to Liz, and she asks him how he got to be so smart. Mr. Collins is all "because I'm older, durr". But he adds that he's not THAT old, because, in his words, "How would all you goof-offs get along without me to crack the whip over you?" Oh, that is giving me a lot of bad visuals. Whips...Elizabeth...Mr. Collins...the secluded paper office...
Enid seeks advice from Ms. Dalton. Ms. Dalton tells her to talk to Liz, but when Enid asks her to face her own problems, Ms. Dalton won't face up. Enid runs crying from two-faced Ms. Dalton's house.
More drama occurs. Ms. Dalton finally decides to go to the dance. Liz and Enid come to terms and make up, because Liz did not spill about those letters. And then the queen is announced! It's JESSICA! She's all "I can haz crown?" and then the king is announced. WINSTON! She's humilated. Liz rails on her about ruining Enid's rep. Jessica feels guilty, and Liz actually forces her to dance with Win and fake a smile. But Jess is inwardly disgusted because the Disco Dance (dance # 14505083983) is coming up in three weeks, and she HAS to stay with Win, by school rules. Fuck yah!
Then she notes Bruce oggling her, and because he's handsome and rich and not a hospital stalker or werewolf, it's okay.
P.S. I keep requesting Sweet Valley books through interlibrary loan, earning some strange\curious comments from the librarians at my community college, which I attend. Yesterday, one of the librarians said that she's so curious, she's going to start reading SVH! OMG...