SVH 91: In Love with a Prince
I'm a first-timer too! So comment, please!
This book is about Dana Larson of The Droids so you know it’s going to be boring. I’m assuming they made Dana look like kind of like the twins on the cover in order to trick people into thinking it was about Jessica or Elizabeth? Anyway, the cover teaches us that there are other blondes in Sweet Valley and that this blonde falls in love with a Prince!
Our story begins in the cafeteria, where Central Characters are all sitting down to lunch at the same table (despite their dramatically different social standings and the fact that some of them can’t stand each other.) The topic of the day is that Elizabeth’s penpal/Prince of Santa Dora (the Explora) is dropping by Sweet Valley for a visit. Apparently he first met the twins in the 6th grade on a trip to the U.S. and befriended Elizabeth because she treated him like a regular guy instead of the gorgeous, wealthy and powerful prince that he is (this is documented in SVT: Princess Elizabeth, but who cares). Everyone is freaking out about his upcoming visit.
Liz is having a lunch party for him when he arrives, and Lila’s having a bon voyage party for him when he leaves (which will have “catered food”! Wow! Food from a store!). Jessica, jealous at the thought of the Prince falling for Lila and not her, vows to have an America-themed party (slash anti-communist rally) in his honor. During the course of the discussion (and the prerequisite good-natured ribbing that introduces the characters to the reader), we learn that all of the womenfolk of Sweet Valley are pining for Prince Arthur’s (seriously? Arthur?) affections while all of the menfolk/boyfriends are rolling their eyes in bemused exasperation. Except for Todd who rolls his eyes in insecure exasperation but has nothing to worry about because Elizabeth is not interested in the Prince and besides, she doesn’t become a Cheating Cheater for like, 5 more books. Also not interested in the Prince is Dana who, the book informs us, is “offbeat and unconventional.” I mean, she’s in a band! A band which is expressly referred to as a “rock-and-roll” band (rock and roll... Interesting choice, Ghostwriter). Dana is just so sassy and outspoken that she’s filled righteous indignation at the thought of a wealthy monarch parading into Sweet Valley being treated like he’s better than everyone else. So she refuses when Jessica asks her if her band will play some rock-and-roll music at her party.
Also in the cafeteria we’re reminded about Lila’s Ordeal (the one where she was almost date raped). The whole school had been talking about it and, apparently, not everyone believed Lila’s side of the story. Perhaps because she was a serial liar who chased other girls boyfriends and was kind of easy? Or maybe because she was wearing a lycra skirt the night of the attack (I don’t see it I mentioned in 1bruce1’s recap of Don’t Go Home with John, but does anyone else remember the repeated mentions of Lila’s tight black lycra skirt in that book? You would have thought lycra was PCP the way they went on about it.). So Jessica cuts Lila a little slack, but the two still bicker over who will be the first to win (read: bed) King Prince Arthur. Both hope to make him fall in love with them and whisk them away to his castle back in his fictional European country.
Later at the Wakefield’s, Jessica asks Elizabeth to cook dinner for her so that she can prepare for Arthur’s arrival the next day, but Liz is too busy preparing for the lunch party she’s throwing Art to worry about petty things like dinner or eating or throwing up after eating. Sam calls to ask Jessica out for the next day, but of course Jessica says she has to be at the lunch party and Sam can’t come. Elizabeth tells Jessica to invite Sam, but Jessica says she doesn’t want him there, so that she can seduce Art unimpeded. Elizabeth wonders aloud about Jessica’s choices, which just goes to show how different those girls are (and they look the same! Wild.) Then Enid drops by to help Liz prepare for the lunch party, but they just end up reading Art’s letters to Liz (which she keeps on her bedside table, natch) and concluding that Art may have a crush on Liz. Maybe because he writes things like Every day I find myself thinking about you more and more, Elizabeth, and I look forward to our reunion. I remember Sweet Valley as a beautiful place- the perfect setting for a very beautiful girl.” Etc. etc. Enid concludes that Art is macking on Liz, and Liz vows to tell him to back off due to her undying love for Todd.
The next day, Jessica and Elizabeth bring Dana along to the airport to pick up Art, since Jessica hopes that Dana will like him enough to reconsider playing at her party in his honor. While Jessica wears a linen dress and pink blazer, Dana shows up in a sweater and leggings (!) that she probably picked up off the floor of her grungy apartment over a garage somewhere. That Dana is just so unconventional. Jess, Liz, and Dana join the media frenzy at the gate where the Prince’s plane is due to arrive. Jessica is “literally jumping up and down” (subtle!) but Dana is non-plussed. She expects this Prince guy to be a stuck up jerk. But guess what? He “takes her breath away” with his “jet black hair, high forehead (so… receding hairline?), and trim, broad-shouldered physique.” Dana thinks he’s just the most gorgeous guy she’s ever seen ever in whole life ever and he makes her weak, bringing the 80’s-song-lyric count up to two. Dana agrees that her band will play at Jess’s party, but only as a favor to Jessica, since she’s still pretending to have a chip on her shoulder when it comes to Art.
Later, Liz is back her house getting ready for the lunch party. Todd arrives and Liz forgives him for being insecure and jealous of Art, since Art apparently really does want to jump her bones after all. They make up and then make out on the couch until the doorbell rings. Let’s take a second to note the absence of any parental figures whatsoever at any time in this book. ...And moving on.
The guest of honor arrives and he brings two body guards “in dark suits” (nice detail, Ghostwriter) named Justino and Paulo. I’m not shitting you- those are their names. Liz invites them all to the backyard party, where she introduces Todd as her “special friend.” Ohhh! That clears a lot up. Todd’s “special!” as in “impaired” as in “retarded”! Explains so much. So after pointedly not indicating that Todd is her boyfriend, Elizabeth decides to drag Art away from the party to tell him that Todd’s her boyfriend. He looks disappointed and preoccupied, but Elizabeth doesn’t want to push the subject, since “Todd might end up challenging Arthur to a duel yet!” Or toddpunching him.
The next day at school, Lila gets shot down asking Art out on a date, so she confides to Jessica that she’s going to try to hook up with one of his body guards to get to him. Sounds like a great plan. Yawn. Meanwhile, Dana is sulking across the cafeteria watching all of the girls fawn over Art. Lynn, the songwriter for the band (because their band has its own songwriter) confesses to Art that she wrote him a song entitled “Rule My Heart.” Dana tells Lynn “I used to respect you,” which is seriously the most awesome line in the book. Damn, that Dana is offbeat. I’ve decided that if this book were a movie (which it will NEVER EVER BE unless they literally run out of books everywhere in the world) Dana would be played by Ellen Page.
The kids go to class (although why Art is going to class is never explained), where Art declares that his favorite class at SVH is English because Mr. Collins is “very cool.” Elizabeth agrees wholeheartedly that Mr. Collins is really cool with his crinkly Robert Redford eyes and his soft, supple hair and his mad newspaper-editing skillz. In the classroom, all the girls vie for a spot next to Art. Jessica lands a spot behind him by literally tripping a girl. This bears repeating: She inflicted bodily harm on someone just so that she could sniff Prince’s hair. God I love her. Mr. Collins comes in and sits on the edge of his desk informally, because that’s how he rolls. He tries to initiate a class discussion of Hamlet, but it deteriorates into a passive aggressive tirade against royalty by Dana. Mr. Collins suggests Dana and Art have a formal debate on the merits of a democracy versus a monarchy. I certainly hope none of these students have their SATs coming up, because we’ve just thrown the lesson plan out the window in favor of a flimsy plot device. Mr. Collins gives Dana and Art until Friday to come up with their arguments for the debate, “and remember, no poisoned rapiers!” zing!
The long and rocky history of democracy is rich, varied, and extremely complicated. You wouldn’t know it come Friday at the pathetically under-researched debate. Dana starts out with “The American Revolution ushered in the age of democracy, not just for the U.S., but for the whole world. People stopped believing in the divine right of kings and realized they served to choose their own leaders, create their own laws and work for themselves rather than for the profit of others.” Um... no. That’s actually false. Just... not... true. Anyway, the undereducated dumbasses at SVH don’t know this, since some of them actually “leaned forward in their seats” (perhaps to vomit? It’s unclear.)
After the debate, Jessica and Lila moon over Art some more. You know, it pains me to see Jessica & Li playing in a B Plot to some character no one cares about. Art doesn’t seem phased though, and later at the Dari Burger (mmm… Dari) he confesses to Liz and Todd that he’s interested in Dana. Liz muses over the sheer irony of the fact that Art’s attracted the girl in SV least likely to return his affections! Crazy! Todd points out that “Dana’s a great girl. But she’s got pretty strong opinions.” It’s true, Todd, girls are allowed to have their own opinions these days! However, Art decides to try to “win Dana’s heart” anyway.
Jess’s Communism party is hit, except that Art won’t dance with her and Sam gets huffy and storms off. Turns out he’s jealous that she’s humping Prince Art’s leg, even though Jess explains that leg-humping is the kind of reception royalty have come to expect in SV. Then, to make matters worse, Art asks Jessica if she’ll ask Dana to dance with him. Jessica briefly considers a pool push (no seriously, that’s what it says), but then begrudgingly agrees to ask her. When Jessica tells Dana that the Prince wants to dance with her, Dana goes all tingly. She’s thrilled at the idea that he might be interested but she’s also really insecure since he’s a prince. Basically, her body’s saying “let’s go” but her heart is saying “no.”
Dana dances with Art and they fall in love even though Art apparently “stands for something she despises.” Really? Dana despises peaceful, modern-day European monarchies? Having a hard time getting over taxation without representation, Dana?
The next day, Jessica and Liz kvetch about Art falling for Dana. Jessica says, "honesty isn’t the first quality I look for in a guy!” Jessica dishonest: this just in. Then Jessica heads over to the Fowler’s to help Lila seduce Paulo the bodyguard (seriously Lila? the hired help?), stopping first at Sam’s to make-out. At Li’s, Paulo accidentally reveals that the Prince is on some sort of mission for the good of Santa-Dora-the-Explora. So they spend the next couple days following around Art and Dana as they go on various dates around SV and fall even deeper in love. Jess gets tired of spying on them, but Lila perseveres (I’ll give her that.) Lila pursed her lips as she remembered the nauseating sight of Arthur kissing Dana’s hand right there on the sidewalk for the whole world to see. “That should be me”, Lila thought resentfully. “I’m the one whose hand should be kissed by a prince! After what I went through with John Pfeifer [rapist], I’m the one who deserves someone like Arthur.” Leave it to Lila to recover from attempted rape with a healthy dose of stalking. Jess and Li follow Arthur and Paulo back to the hotel gym. “I’m going to run down to the shops in the lobby and buy a Lycra exercise outfit,” Lila declared. Oh Lila, did we learn nothing from the Lycra/Rape incident? Jessica stops her and goes home.
The next day, Arthur drops by Elizabeth’s house to tell her the real reason for his trip to SV: his country’s ancient traditions require him to find a wife (at the ripe old age of 16. Nice.) or else his parents will pick one for him. Guess what?! He wants to marry Dana! OMFG!!1!, etc. etc.
After a lighthearted romp together on the beach, Dana realizes she’s in love with Art. It was the first time Dana had recognized how deeply she cared for Arthur. Well that’s good, because he’s about to ask you to spend the rest of your life together. Art gives her an engagement ring and Dana says she needs some time to think it over. I mean, clearly he’s boring and kind of dippy, but he’s rich, right? Sleep on it, cupcake. She puts the diamond ring in her desk drawer and hits the hay.
The next morning, Dana decides to talk it over with her mom. Can I pause for a minute to say that I imagine Dana lives in a double wide with orange shag carpeting? I don’t know why. Anyway, Dana tells her mom all about the fancy meal at the fancy restaurant. ”Mom, something else happened last night. Arthur gave me...” she laughed nervously [probably afraid her mom will try to pawn it] “He gave me a ring.” Her mother sat up. “He gave you a ring? What kind of ring?” [Oh yeah. Definitely will pawn it.] ”A- a diamond ring. An engagement ring.” Mrs. Larson set her cup down so abruptly that it tipped over. [Woah.] Then she lept from her chair, tears of joy and excitement and dollar signs in her eyes. “Oh, honey, congratulations!” She flung her arms around Dana. “I’m so happy for you!”. Now wait a minute. Does anyone else find it odd that after knowing this dude for a week, Dana’s mom is completely down with them being engaged? And probably moving to Europe? At 16? Anyway, Dana’s still not sure and decides to keep it a secret while she thinks it over... until Loudmouth Mom spills the beans and the news is all over town.
Elizabeth and Dana have a heart-to-heart and Liz learns that Art didn’t tell Dana that part of the reason he proposed is that he’s bound by tradition to get engaged or else he’ll be assigned a wife. Well, Dana didn’t tell him she has the clap, so I guess they’re even.
Lila reduces to herself to doing research at the Public Library and discovers that if Art doesn’t choose a wife soon, his ‘rents will do it for him. Scandal! Naturally, she decides to release this factoid to the media. A reporter breaks the news to Dana the next morning on the phone and Dana is flooded with bitter disillusionment. Arthur didn’t love her- he never loved her! He was just in a hurry to find a girl before his seventeenth birthday, which was only a few weeks away. Which makes no sense at all, since Arthur literally could have had almost any girl in SV (including Enid!) but he chose her anyway. But still, this mindset gives Dana a reason to storm over to Art’s hotel, scream that she never wants to see him again, and chuck the ring at him (nice touch, Dana).
Art sends Elizabeth over to Dana’s to talk some sense into her, but Liz totally dicks it up. Liz then accuses Jessica of being the scheming manipulative bitch who tipped off the media. Jess concedes that she’s a scheming, manipulative bitch but denies talking to the media. At Lila’s catered party, Lila plays dumb when asked why Arthur would show up without Dana. Lila shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea.” she drawled.” Drawled? I can only hope she was wearing a dress made from curtains (lycra curtains!) and twirling a parasol. Lila tries to get her claws into a grieving Arthur but he tears up and leaves her standing there alone on the dance floor, prompting her to call him “a low class cad.” Snap.
The next morning over breakfast, Liz and Jess wrap up Lila’s B Plot with a helpful reminder to go easy on attempted-rape victims because bizarre behavior is to be expected. Then Dana, convinced by Liz that Art really actually does love her for realz, speeds to his hotel to stop him from flying home. They have a tearful reunion, directly followed by a tearful goodbye. Art tells Dana that she taught him to be brave and stand up to tradition, and that he won’t get betrothed at such a young age, even if it means giving up the throne to his brother. They decide to keep in touch but not get engaged yet, since Dana’s still young, and plus she’s way too offbeat and unconventional to be a princess. As the prince drives away to the airport, “she wished she could run after the limousine. There was one last thing she would have liked to share with Arthur. She would have liked to tell him that he taught her something too- that true royalty was an inner quality, not just a question of a title. By that standard, Dana knew, Arthur Castillo was indeed a real prince.” Aaaaand... curtain.