The Unicorn Club #19: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
This is the first Unicorn Club book I’ve ever recapped, which is weird because this is the SV series I’ve read most of. I’ve read 22 out of its 23 books, or 95.65% of the series (yes, I worked it out mathematically, yes, I know it’s sad).
Firstly, I’d like to snark off by asking…is this really what you imagine the most beautiful girl in the world looking like?!
She ain't all that. She kind of looks like shellfish to me. Jess and Liz look much better on most of the SVH covers. No wonder everyone makes such a big deal over the twins’ looks…they are (apparently) better looking than the most beautiful girl in the world.
In this book, Sweet Valley attempts to deal with anorexia, but as usual finds a way to make the issue so badly handled and the plot so unrealistic that it's impossible to take seriously. A large part of this book consists of a 'rich-off' between Lila Fowler and another girl. For some reason, I was a major Unicorn Club fan, but even I have to admit that the later books in the series (like this one) were pretty bogus. I don’t know why they scrapped the first person POV writing after book 15, but there was no explanation for it; it just shifted into third person in book 16 and it was weird. So on the back cover of this book it makes out like it’s from Rachel’s point of view, with her signature and stuff, but…it’s not.
The book begins with Jessica hangin' at new Unicorn Club member Rachel Grant's house. Rachel only joined the Unicorns in the previous book to this ("Rachel's In, Lila's Out"), so you're forgiven if you have no idea who she is. Basically, the only things that seem to distinguish Rachel from anyone else, according to this ghostwriter, is that she is black and...just as rich as Lila (gasp!). Rachel also happens to live right next door to Ms. Fowler. Jess is hanging out at Rachel's mostly to piss Lila off. Lila isn't used to someone competing with her in her own league and apparently has been kind of touchy lately about Rachel being rich too. Jessica thinks about how she can't wait to rub the features of Rachel's luxurious house in Lila's face (not literally). Isn't Jessica a great friend?!
Rachel and Jessica watch some movies featuring a teen model/actress/idol named Katherine Pierce. Apparently Jessica and Rachel totally love and want to be Katherine, even though we’ve never heard of her before. We're told that Rachel's house has its own private screening room, complete with a video library. All the videos embossed "Grant Family Productions". Oh, puh-leez. That's nothing, Lila probably has her own personal private screening jet and a series of movie studios behind her house, where the actors act out movies LIVE just for her (kinda like Mr. Burns’ play room). Rachel's screening room also boasts a popcorn machine complete with heating lamp, and a real soda fountain. Gosh. No wonder I had unrealistic ideas about wealth when I was a kid. I want my own damn soda fountain! Rachel talks about Lila and disses the Fowler decor as 'shabby'. Whoa! Hiss. "Jessica had a hard time imagining that even a princess would find Lila Fowler's house 'shabby'". Dang straight! Rachel then proceeds to sort-of diss California ("I thought California was going to be glamorous") and the Unicorns ("so far, the only parties I've been to are Unicorn slumber parties"). Jessica is annoyed that Rachel doesn’t find Unicorn slumber parties cool and exclusive enough, and finds Rachel arrogant, which is a big call for someone who is best friends with Lila Fowler.
The girls finish watching the movie and see an ad on TV featuring Katherine Pierce. The ad's all "want the glamorous life of Katherine Pierce? Then sign up for a trial month-long membership at the Slenderella Health Spa! If you sign up, you'll be entered into a draw to win two days of the Katherine Pierce lifestyle". The two girls are all squee! and Rachel immediately rings up to buy a month-long membership at this Slenderella place. She's told that each membership guarantees one entry into the competition, so she also signs Jessica, Lila, Kimberly, Ellen and Mandy up. Mama sure has some cash to splash round. Jessica is excited about her new Slenderella membership.
Lila is not. She is jealous and suspicious. The rest of the Unicorns are with Jessica, though. The girls go to Slenderella to check it all out the next day, and immediately run smack-bang into the Katherine Pierce. Apparently she's going to be visiting a bunch of Slenderella spas over the next few weeks as promotion for the competition, leading workouts and giving people tips and advice.
Katherine is a total shill. When the girls ask if Slenderella will make them look like her, Katherine is all "of course! I’m hot!...And by the way, have you visited the Slenderella Workout Wear shop? This outfit I'm wearing is so great, I could go from here to a party." Katherine is wearing a ‘stylish’ tracksuit. What kind of celebrity would wear a tracksuit to a party?? Katherine tells Rachel she is 'young and hip', and Rachel's heart 'skips a beat'. Um, celebrity worship or secret lesbian crush?...I'm just puttin' it out there. The Unicorns do an aerobics class with Katherine and Rachel feels 'in sync' with Katherine's steps. Um, okay. Basically this chapter consists of Rachel being obsessed with Katherine and dying to win the 'a day in Katherine's life' competition.
The next chapter is more from Lila's point of view. She thinks about how Rachel's 'generosity' towards the Unicorns was motivated by pure selfishness, and is miffed at how her friends aren't as impressed with her own lifestyle anymore. Lila thinks to herself that she's sick of hearing about Rachel's stupid popcorn maker...”And besides, Rachel didn't need any popcorn. She was a pretty girl. But in Lila's opinion, she was definitely full-figured. Girls like that needed to be careful about junk food”. Mi-aowww! Jessica says loudly that she wishes she could enter the Katherine Pierce contest, too. The Slenderella manager, Ms. Malone, comes over and tells her she can enter it - anytime anyone buys a product or spa treatment from Splenderella, they also receive an entry. Lila is all "W00t! Spending? That I can do".
Lila goes to the Slenderella workout shop. She magically finds a purple workout ensemble that has a unicorn appliqued on the sleeve. Once again we find ourselves faced with Sweet Valley's bizarre abundance of unicorn-themed clothes. Lila asks to buy six of these ensembles (which include leotards, socks, tights, gym bags, warm-up jackets and shorts). The saleslady initially thinks Lila's playing a prank on her, but Lila 'draws herself up to her full height' and gives her the whole "I am Lila Fowler, my father is the inventor of toaster strudel!" schpiel and the saleslady grovels. Then Ms. Malone comes over and sucks up to Lila. Lila basks in the attention. Ms. Malone talks about how great it is to see a young lady showing such 'Slenderella spirit', and says she'll arrange a private lunch for Lila and Katherine in the garden room upstairs. Woo-hey! ..I hope it's a weekend, otherwise why do these girls have so much time to hang around spas? Aren't they meant to be at school?
At Lila's lunch, she's having a ball listening to Katherine talk about fancy parties and celebrities. But Katherine's phone rings every five minutes with something else for her to do (attend a spa opening, press conference or review workout wear). Even Katherine's own sister calls, but she has to turn down going to her birthday party to work. Lila mentions how that kinda sucks, and for a second Katherine looks sad, but then is all “but it’s all part of the lifestyle and I’m SOOO happy and healthy. Fuck my sister! Everything’s fantastic. Also, you have model potential. Here’s a special tip: skip some meals and drink Slenderella diet supplement instead”. Yeah, Katherine recommends a diet supplement to a 13-year-old girl. What a great role model! Katherine also spouts off some stupid sounding lines, like “The Slenderella philosophy is that health is beauty. And health always comes first.” Yeah, sounds real healthy.
Lila tells the other girls what Katherine told her and they’re all exclaimy and excited. Afterwards, Rachel heads to the Slenderella merch store and buys one of everything they have, and demands she get a separate entry form for each item. Rachel’s kinda like Lila, but meaner and with less personality. Ms. Malone organises afternoon tea for Rachel and Katherine. It’s kind of weird how she pimps Katherine out this way. Katherine spouts off some more “health IS beauty, and beauty IS punishing yourself” bullshit to Rachel, and also tells Rachel she has ‘model potential’. Katherine and Rachel have the gross-looking, 'brackish purple' diet supplement for lunch. Rachel asks how much she should drink per day, and Katherine recommends it four times a day. Rachel notices Katherine’s hands are shaking as she drinks. What does Katherine say? “I’m fine. Fine. Sometimes, if I’ve really worked the muscles in my arms, my hand trembles more than usual. It’s a good sign. It means I’m in the process of building more strength. More health. More beauty.” Bahahahaha. I don’t know how Rachel swallows this, but she does.
The next chapter features Mandy, Jessica, Kimberley and Ellen hangin’ in the locker room and testing out the whirlpool spa. Bow-chicka-wa-wowww. Just kidding. This bit is from Mandy’s POV. Katherine walks in and talks to the girls. Mandy (ex-cancer victim, in case you haven’t heard) notices that when Katherine takes off her top, her ribs stick out in high relief. Katherine says the girls all have model potential, and suggests they sign up for the Slenderella Personal Best Program - a diet, exercise and treatment plan tailored just for you to bring out your beauty potential! Gah. The girls all see Janice, the Personal Best lady, who quotes them an exorbitant price. The girls all gape and realise they can’t afford it. Mandy’s like “why would Katherine Pierce suggest something that expensive to kids like us?” and Jessica’s like “She prolly thinks we’re rich like Lila and Rachel”. Jessica feels resentful because she thinks she has more model/actress potential than either Lila or Rachel, but can’t afford to buy her way into Katherine’s world. Hee.
By the next chapter, Ms. Malone has totally figured out Rachel and Lila’s game, because she’s all “You know, Rachel has purchased the entire Slenderella product range” to Lila, who’s all “Rachel bought stuff? Gimme gimme gimme!”. Ms. Malone is like, “Also, uh, your hair looks kinda gross”, and Lila’s like ‘But I’m using the Slenderella shampoo and conditioner like you told me!”. Ms. Malone is like ‘Ruh-roh…uh...that’s because…you didn’t buy this after-conditioner rinse”. Ms. Malone talks Lila into the Personal Best Program by telling her she could be the next Katherine Pierce if she’s willing to work at it.
Lila meets the rest of the group smugly clutching her pink Personal Best card. Her and Rachel exchange bitchy barbs and decide to compete to see who looks like a model by the end of the month. Rachel decides to sign up with a Personal Best Program too.
The next day, Lila and Rachel do their 2-hour aerobics class (2 hours back to back??? That’s pretty excessive). Ms. Malone tells them that if they make enough progress in the next 2 weeks, they might be chosen to be in an infomercial with Katherine! (Why the fuck would they put 13 year olds in aerobics infomercials? That’s practically child porn. What rubbish…) Lila gets a foul smelling mud/antitoxin wrap afterwards and Rachel gets a painfully vigorous massage. At the end of the day, Lila examines herself in the mirror looking for any changes. I love this: “She couldn’t honestly say she saw any major changes. But she did look…well…pretty darned clean. And that was a good start for a model.”
In the next chapter, a scene when they are finally at school like normal 13 year olds, Mandy suggests to Jessica that Lila and Rachel are overdoing it. Li and Rachel have both purchased pre-packaged Slenderella diet plans for the week. Lila’s is supposed to ‘enhance’ her figure, and Mandy keeps catching her looking down her top, “as if she expected her bust to appear in one big burst of Slenderella development”. Hee. Jessica doesn’t see anything wrong with what Lila and Rachel are doing, but Mandy is suspicious. Mandy says she saw a lot of people who were thin like Katherine when she was sick, and those people couldn’t keep food down or eat properly because of their cancer treatments. Jess reasons that Katherine must be healthy, or else she couldn’t teach all those aerobics classes. Mandy alleges that Slenderella is taking advantage of Lila and Rachel’s wealth and that the treatments aren’t really going to make them healthy or look like models.
That afternoon at the spa, the Unicorns finish their workouts and decide to see a movie. Rachel and Lila remain behind because they haven’t finished their Personal Best regimes. Lila feels a bit jealous watching her friends go and is bored working out, but continues on anyway, drifting off into a fantasy where she imagines people mistaking her and Katherine Pierce for sisters. We switch to Rachel’s POV, where we learn that after complaining about having to do so much exercise, she’s been put on a conceptual exercise regime where all she has to do is imagine her muscles working. Um, okay. Rachel is taught by an instructor via video conference. She gets bored and tries to sneak out, but gets a shock when she realises the instructor can see her, too. This bit is probably meant to be funny but it's not.
Rachel goes home and decides she needs some pampering. She gets out her Slenderella deep mineral conditioning hair treatment. Then her dad barges in and tries to evacuate her, saying there must be an electrical fire or some noxious gas around or something. Then he realises he’s just smelling her hair treatment. Yeah...Slenderella stinks.
Switch to Lila. She’s thinking about how utterly exhausted she is. She turns on TV and sees Katherine giving an interview. Katherine is all smiles while describing her hectic schedule and Lila wonders how come Katherine isn’t at all tired the way she is. Lila thinks about how she’s bored because all she does is exercise, diet, and get wrapped in slimy/smelly things. And she never sees her friends anymore. Of course, just then Jessica and Mandy come over unexpectedly. Lila “pulled her hair back off her face, so that her emerging resemblance to Katherine Pierce would be more noticeable”. Roflmao. Why does she think her face will start looking like Katherine’s?...maybe the food deprivation has gone to her head.
The next day, Mandy tries to talk Rachel out of leaving the spa and going to get a soda with her. Mandy thinks to herself that Lila and Rachel are acting like they've fallen into the clutches of a cult. But Janice (the Personal Best lady) spirits Rachel away and guilts her into staying at the spa with lines about “commitment” and “potential”. Then we switch to Lila doing an aerobics class with Katherine. Even though Lila’s had two Slenderella health muffins and two diet supplement drinks before the class, she still feels exhausted. Then her stomach turns and she has to go throw up. Katherine finds her later and is all “What’s wrong?" Lila's like "I have no energy. I feel sick." Katherine is like, "Maybe you’re not getting enough exercise. Let’s sign you up for more classes!” What an idiot.
The next afternoon, Mandy goes to the hospital. She has her half-yearly follow-up appointment with her doctor to make sure there’s no reoccurrence of her cancer. The doctor does some tests, tells Mandy not to worry and to come back the next day. In the elevator on the way out, Mandy hears gossip that Katherine Pierce was admitted to the hospital that day, crying and looking sickly. In the lobby of the hospital, Ms. Malone is getting interviewed by reporters. Ms. Malone says that it wasn’t Katherine who was admitted, but another Slenderella customer who had caught the tip of her thumb in a weight machine. The reporters are all “But hospital patients swear she looked exactly like Katherine”, and Ms. Malone is like “The Slenderella Spa has created many beautiful women who resemble Katherine Pierce. It wasn’t her”. Wha?? I don't get all this 'Slenderella will make you look like Katherine Pierce' bullshit. What sane person would think going to the gym will make you look like someone famous? Sure, it might improve your own body and looks, but it's not going to make you look like someone else. Mandy notices Ms. Malone’s mouth twitching when she gives her statements to the press, and suspects she’s lying.
The next day (sorry I keep starting paragraphs this way!), a bunch of women at the spa are asking questions about Katherine. Ms. Malone assures them that Katherine is not in the hospital, and says she is at the Southville Slenderella Spa today (wherever Southville is). Mandy and Jessica decide to bike there and check it out. As suspected, the spa manager swears that Katherine is not there. Mandy calls a Unicorn meeting and tells Rachel and Lila that Slenderella is hazardous to their health.
Lila and Rachel aren’t impressed. They decide the others are jealous because soon they’ll be hanging out with famous stars. Lila and Rachel decide to team up and help each other ‘achieve their goals’ (model goals? Actress goals? It’s all pretty vague now).
The next day, Mandy visits the hospital to get her cancer results. Of course, she’s 100% healthy. Yay. Her doctor gives her a speech on how to stay healthy, indicating that she should exercise, but not too much, and eat healthily, but not over do it. On the way out, Mandy sees Katherine Pierces, slumped and looking sickly in a wheelchair. Mandy sees her favourite nurse from when she was sick, and pumps her for information.
It turns out Katherine is suffering from exhaustion and malnutrition. Mandy tells Jessica this the next day. The girls worry because Katherine was always drinking the Slenderella diet supplement, and now Rachel and Lila are too. Does Slenderella only care about making as much money as possible, and not about the health of their patrons? (Um, yes.) Jessica hilariously confesses that she’s noticed Rachel and Lila smell bad all the time now. Lila! Where’s the you we all know and love? Come back to us!
That afternoon, Lila and Rachel are sick of their Slenderella treatments and each sneak out of their rooms at the same time. They run into each other, each wrapped in weird treatment goo, in a sequence that’s probably meant to be funny. Mandy walks in for some reason and gives a speech about her cancer (why is that always brought up?) and how Katherine is sick and they should leave …but just then, Ms. Malone and Katherine walk in, and Katherine dramatically announces “That’s a lie!”.
Katherine says she’s been in New York shooting footage for her new infomercial, and that she wants Rachel and Lila in the video too. The girls shoo Mandy away. They shoot the video, and the director is a total ass, yelling incessantly at all the girls. Lila and Rachel watch the infomercial that night on the news (yah, I’m sure it’d be on that quickly). Both Lila and Rachel feel disappointed seeing themselves on TV, thinking they look exactly the same as when they started at Slenderella. Cheer up girls, the camera adds ten pounds. Katherine gives a speech about how whoever wins the Slenderella competition will win 2 days of her lifestyle - which is...attending her aerobics classes, enjoying 2 days of the Personal Best program, having a private lunch with her and hearing her beauty secrets. Uh…bahahaha. Unsurprisingly, Lila and Rachel suddenly lose their enthusiasm to win the prize.
Mandy and Jessica run into Katherine at the grocery store. At first, Jessica doesn’t believe it’s Katherine and says it’s ‘some old lady’. But then they get up close and it is Katherine - only with dark circles under her eyes, yellowish skin, no makeup, and a slumped posture. Sounds kinda like someone I know. Mandy and Jessica call out to Katherine, but she sees them and runs out of the store. That afternoon, Katherine is about to draw the prize for the competition at the spa but...just when she’s about to announce the winner, she collapses. Ms. Malone screams that it's okay, she just has appendicitis, and Katherine is taken to hospital.
Mandy decides to follow Katherine to the hospital. Mandy’s kind of annoying and prying like Elizabeth, but she had cancer (in case you didn't know) so we can’t pick on her. Katherine is staying in hospital under the alias “Jackie Hatfield”…Mandy manages to find her by convincing the nurse that she had a legitimate reason for visiting her. Wow. I should try that next time I hear a celebrity’s been admitted to hospital. Most of the rest of this chapter is dialogue, so I’ll try and simplify it for you:
Mandy: Y r u living a lie, Katherine?
Katherine: (crying) you wouldn’t understand.
Mandy: I had cancer. Of course I understand. Is Slenderella a crock?
Katherine: Yep. It is.
Mandy: Y r u endorsing it then?
Katherine: (angry) My career was down the toilet! My modeling was in the dumpster! My TV show was vomited on! I had nothing. So I took the Slenderella job, but I had to keep up regular appearances at the spa, sell a certain amount of merchandise personally, and never be seen in public without full makeup or wearing Slenderella gear. I can never say I’m tired since I’m sposed to have tons of energy from that gross supplement stuff.
Mandy: Shit ay. So what’s in the gross goo?
Katherine: Nothing harmful, just soy milk and vitamins.
Mandy: Y u so malnourished then?
Katherine: I srsly dn’t have the time or energy to eat, yo.
Reader: Um…so is this anorexia or just the pressures of celebrity or what?
Ghostwriters: You decide!
Mandy: Is this all worth it?
Katherine: I HAVE TO SURVIVE! I’ll do anything for survival. What would you know? You’re just a kid.
Mandy: I know about survival, I had CANCER. Duh. Didn't you read my t-shirt? Didn't you see that blimp I flew outside proclaiming it to the world?
Mandy and Jessica bike to Slenderella in the next scene to try to get Ms. Malone to admit Slenderella sucks and to take her claws out of Lila and Rachel. But a news truck is already there.
Rachel and Lila ask to terminate their memberships because that contest totally screwed them, but Ms. Malone talks them out of it by saying they’ll get a featured role in Katherine’s new workout video. But just then, Katherine walks in all dramatic with the news cameras. “It’s true that I wouldn’t be what I am now without Slenderella. And what I am is exhausted, malnourished, and recovering from a nervous breakdown.” Ms. Malone is all “Gasp! No comment!”. I imagine this being like A Current Affair, with Tracy Grimshaw being all “The bodgy health spa exploiting young teens. Do you want this in your neighbourhood?”.
Rachel and Lila feel all embarrassed and sullen and tell Katherine they can’t believe they thought she thought they were special. Then there’s a made-for-TV moment where she’s all “I do think you’re special. The Unicorns are awesome. Friendship is the greatest gift of all. I wish I was a Unicorn”. Then Ellen comes out of nowhere and gasps and is like “What happened? You look awful, Katherine!” And the other girls are like “Oh, Ellen!” Then Katherine walks off looking sad and Lila asks if she’d like to hang with them sometime. Because it’s Awesome!Lila, Katherine says yes and is even grateful they’d want to hang with a phony like her. Rachel and Lila tell Katherine they see "real potential" in her. Say it with me now: Awwwww.
The last, short, paragraph or so shows the Unicorns finally hanging out with Katherine at a fun Hollywood party like they dreamed, getting introduced to cute Hollywood hunks. Aaaand that’s a wrap.
Things I found stupid in this book:
- The way Lila and Rachel’s parents did not seem to give a toss that their slim 13 year old daughters were spending vast amounts of money and time on a weight-loss program.
- The way Slenderella even allowed them to be members in the first place, don’t you have to be over 18 or 16 or something to join a gym?
- The way Ms. Malone pimped Katherine out to have lunch willy-nilly with anyone who spent some cash there.
- The name ‘Slenderella’.
- The way Mandy brought up her cancer every five seconds. I know it must be awful to have cancer, but surely ‘cancer’ isn’t her only personality trait.
- The way Lila and Rachel never sued the pants off Slenderella.
- The fact that I’m still not sure if this was meant to be a story about anorexia and the pressures to be thin, or if it was just about how hard celebrity is. It started off like it was supposed to address body image issues, but we never really got that ‘love the body you’re in’ epiphany, it just seemed like “being a celebrity can hurt, and don't drink brackish purple energy supplements”. Oh well, try again next time, Sweet Valley.
Firstly, I’d like to snark off by asking…is this really what you imagine the most beautiful girl in the world looking like?!
She ain't all that. She kind of looks like shellfish to me. Jess and Liz look much better on most of the SVH covers. No wonder everyone makes such a big deal over the twins’ looks…they are (apparently) better looking than the most beautiful girl in the world.
In this book, Sweet Valley attempts to deal with anorexia, but as usual finds a way to make the issue so badly handled and the plot so unrealistic that it's impossible to take seriously. A large part of this book consists of a 'rich-off' between Lila Fowler and another girl. For some reason, I was a major Unicorn Club fan, but even I have to admit that the later books in the series (like this one) were pretty bogus. I don’t know why they scrapped the first person POV writing after book 15, but there was no explanation for it; it just shifted into third person in book 16 and it was weird. So on the back cover of this book it makes out like it’s from Rachel’s point of view, with her signature and stuff, but…it’s not.
The book begins with Jessica hangin' at new Unicorn Club member Rachel Grant's house. Rachel only joined the Unicorns in the previous book to this ("Rachel's In, Lila's Out"), so you're forgiven if you have no idea who she is. Basically, the only things that seem to distinguish Rachel from anyone else, according to this ghostwriter, is that she is black and...just as rich as Lila (gasp!). Rachel also happens to live right next door to Ms. Fowler. Jess is hanging out at Rachel's mostly to piss Lila off. Lila isn't used to someone competing with her in her own league and apparently has been kind of touchy lately about Rachel being rich too. Jessica thinks about how she can't wait to rub the features of Rachel's luxurious house in Lila's face (not literally). Isn't Jessica a great friend?!
Rachel and Jessica watch some movies featuring a teen model/actress/idol named Katherine Pierce. Apparently Jessica and Rachel totally love and want to be Katherine, even though we’ve never heard of her before. We're told that Rachel's house has its own private screening room, complete with a video library. All the videos embossed "Grant Family Productions". Oh, puh-leez. That's nothing, Lila probably has her own personal private screening jet and a series of movie studios behind her house, where the actors act out movies LIVE just for her (kinda like Mr. Burns’ play room). Rachel's screening room also boasts a popcorn machine complete with heating lamp, and a real soda fountain. Gosh. No wonder I had unrealistic ideas about wealth when I was a kid. I want my own damn soda fountain! Rachel talks about Lila and disses the Fowler decor as 'shabby'. Whoa! Hiss. "Jessica had a hard time imagining that even a princess would find Lila Fowler's house 'shabby'". Dang straight! Rachel then proceeds to sort-of diss California ("I thought California was going to be glamorous") and the Unicorns ("so far, the only parties I've been to are Unicorn slumber parties"). Jessica is annoyed that Rachel doesn’t find Unicorn slumber parties cool and exclusive enough, and finds Rachel arrogant, which is a big call for someone who is best friends with Lila Fowler.
The girls finish watching the movie and see an ad on TV featuring Katherine Pierce. The ad's all "want the glamorous life of Katherine Pierce? Then sign up for a trial month-long membership at the Slenderella Health Spa! If you sign up, you'll be entered into a draw to win two days of the Katherine Pierce lifestyle". The two girls are all squee! and Rachel immediately rings up to buy a month-long membership at this Slenderella place. She's told that each membership guarantees one entry into the competition, so she also signs Jessica, Lila, Kimberly, Ellen and Mandy up. Mama sure has some cash to splash round. Jessica is excited about her new Slenderella membership.
Lila is not. She is jealous and suspicious. The rest of the Unicorns are with Jessica, though. The girls go to Slenderella to check it all out the next day, and immediately run smack-bang into the Katherine Pierce. Apparently she's going to be visiting a bunch of Slenderella spas over the next few weeks as promotion for the competition, leading workouts and giving people tips and advice.
Katherine is a total shill. When the girls ask if Slenderella will make them look like her, Katherine is all "of course! I’m hot!...And by the way, have you visited the Slenderella Workout Wear shop? This outfit I'm wearing is so great, I could go from here to a party." Katherine is wearing a ‘stylish’ tracksuit. What kind of celebrity would wear a tracksuit to a party?? Katherine tells Rachel she is 'young and hip', and Rachel's heart 'skips a beat'. Um, celebrity worship or secret lesbian crush?...I'm just puttin' it out there. The Unicorns do an aerobics class with Katherine and Rachel feels 'in sync' with Katherine's steps. Um, okay. Basically this chapter consists of Rachel being obsessed with Katherine and dying to win the 'a day in Katherine's life' competition.
The next chapter is more from Lila's point of view. She thinks about how Rachel's 'generosity' towards the Unicorns was motivated by pure selfishness, and is miffed at how her friends aren't as impressed with her own lifestyle anymore. Lila thinks to herself that she's sick of hearing about Rachel's stupid popcorn maker...”And besides, Rachel didn't need any popcorn. She was a pretty girl. But in Lila's opinion, she was definitely full-figured. Girls like that needed to be careful about junk food”. Mi-aowww! Jessica says loudly that she wishes she could enter the Katherine Pierce contest, too. The Slenderella manager, Ms. Malone, comes over and tells her she can enter it - anytime anyone buys a product or spa treatment from Splenderella, they also receive an entry. Lila is all "W00t! Spending? That I can do".
Lila goes to the Slenderella workout shop. She magically finds a purple workout ensemble that has a unicorn appliqued on the sleeve. Once again we find ourselves faced with Sweet Valley's bizarre abundance of unicorn-themed clothes. Lila asks to buy six of these ensembles (which include leotards, socks, tights, gym bags, warm-up jackets and shorts). The saleslady initially thinks Lila's playing a prank on her, but Lila 'draws herself up to her full height' and gives her the whole "I am Lila Fowler, my father is the inventor of toaster strudel!" schpiel and the saleslady grovels. Then Ms. Malone comes over and sucks up to Lila. Lila basks in the attention. Ms. Malone talks about how great it is to see a young lady showing such 'Slenderella spirit', and says she'll arrange a private lunch for Lila and Katherine in the garden room upstairs. Woo-hey! ..I hope it's a weekend, otherwise why do these girls have so much time to hang around spas? Aren't they meant to be at school?
At Lila's lunch, she's having a ball listening to Katherine talk about fancy parties and celebrities. But Katherine's phone rings every five minutes with something else for her to do (attend a spa opening, press conference or review workout wear). Even Katherine's own sister calls, but she has to turn down going to her birthday party to work. Lila mentions how that kinda sucks, and for a second Katherine looks sad, but then is all “but it’s all part of the lifestyle and I’m SOOO happy and healthy. Fuck my sister! Everything’s fantastic. Also, you have model potential. Here’s a special tip: skip some meals and drink Slenderella diet supplement instead”. Yeah, Katherine recommends a diet supplement to a 13-year-old girl. What a great role model! Katherine also spouts off some stupid sounding lines, like “The Slenderella philosophy is that health is beauty. And health always comes first.” Yeah, sounds real healthy.
Lila tells the other girls what Katherine told her and they’re all exclaimy and excited. Afterwards, Rachel heads to the Slenderella merch store and buys one of everything they have, and demands she get a separate entry form for each item. Rachel’s kinda like Lila, but meaner and with less personality. Ms. Malone organises afternoon tea for Rachel and Katherine. It’s kind of weird how she pimps Katherine out this way. Katherine spouts off some more “health IS beauty, and beauty IS punishing yourself” bullshit to Rachel, and also tells Rachel she has ‘model potential’. Katherine and Rachel have the gross-looking, 'brackish purple' diet supplement for lunch. Rachel asks how much she should drink per day, and Katherine recommends it four times a day. Rachel notices Katherine’s hands are shaking as she drinks. What does Katherine say? “I’m fine. Fine. Sometimes, if I’ve really worked the muscles in my arms, my hand trembles more than usual. It’s a good sign. It means I’m in the process of building more strength. More health. More beauty.” Bahahahaha. I don’t know how Rachel swallows this, but she does.
The next chapter features Mandy, Jessica, Kimberley and Ellen hangin’ in the locker room and testing out the whirlpool spa. Bow-chicka-wa-wowww. Just kidding. This bit is from Mandy’s POV. Katherine walks in and talks to the girls. Mandy (ex-cancer victim, in case you haven’t heard) notices that when Katherine takes off her top, her ribs stick out in high relief. Katherine says the girls all have model potential, and suggests they sign up for the Slenderella Personal Best Program - a diet, exercise and treatment plan tailored just for you to bring out your beauty potential! Gah. The girls all see Janice, the Personal Best lady, who quotes them an exorbitant price. The girls all gape and realise they can’t afford it. Mandy’s like “why would Katherine Pierce suggest something that expensive to kids like us?” and Jessica’s like “She prolly thinks we’re rich like Lila and Rachel”. Jessica feels resentful because she thinks she has more model/actress potential than either Lila or Rachel, but can’t afford to buy her way into Katherine’s world. Hee.
By the next chapter, Ms. Malone has totally figured out Rachel and Lila’s game, because she’s all “You know, Rachel has purchased the entire Slenderella product range” to Lila, who’s all “Rachel bought stuff? Gimme gimme gimme!”. Ms. Malone is like, “Also, uh, your hair looks kinda gross”, and Lila’s like ‘But I’m using the Slenderella shampoo and conditioner like you told me!”. Ms. Malone is like ‘Ruh-roh…uh...that’s because…you didn’t buy this after-conditioner rinse”. Ms. Malone talks Lila into the Personal Best Program by telling her she could be the next Katherine Pierce if she’s willing to work at it.
Lila meets the rest of the group smugly clutching her pink Personal Best card. Her and Rachel exchange bitchy barbs and decide to compete to see who looks like a model by the end of the month. Rachel decides to sign up with a Personal Best Program too.
The next day, Lila and Rachel do their 2-hour aerobics class (2 hours back to back??? That’s pretty excessive). Ms. Malone tells them that if they make enough progress in the next 2 weeks, they might be chosen to be in an infomercial with Katherine! (Why the fuck would they put 13 year olds in aerobics infomercials? That’s practically child porn. What rubbish…) Lila gets a foul smelling mud/antitoxin wrap afterwards and Rachel gets a painfully vigorous massage. At the end of the day, Lila examines herself in the mirror looking for any changes. I love this: “She couldn’t honestly say she saw any major changes. But she did look…well…pretty darned clean. And that was a good start for a model.”
In the next chapter, a scene when they are finally at school like normal 13 year olds, Mandy suggests to Jessica that Lila and Rachel are overdoing it. Li and Rachel have both purchased pre-packaged Slenderella diet plans for the week. Lila’s is supposed to ‘enhance’ her figure, and Mandy keeps catching her looking down her top, “as if she expected her bust to appear in one big burst of Slenderella development”. Hee. Jessica doesn’t see anything wrong with what Lila and Rachel are doing, but Mandy is suspicious. Mandy says she saw a lot of people who were thin like Katherine when she was sick, and those people couldn’t keep food down or eat properly because of their cancer treatments. Jess reasons that Katherine must be healthy, or else she couldn’t teach all those aerobics classes. Mandy alleges that Slenderella is taking advantage of Lila and Rachel’s wealth and that the treatments aren’t really going to make them healthy or look like models.
That afternoon at the spa, the Unicorns finish their workouts and decide to see a movie. Rachel and Lila remain behind because they haven’t finished their Personal Best regimes. Lila feels a bit jealous watching her friends go and is bored working out, but continues on anyway, drifting off into a fantasy where she imagines people mistaking her and Katherine Pierce for sisters. We switch to Rachel’s POV, where we learn that after complaining about having to do so much exercise, she’s been put on a conceptual exercise regime where all she has to do is imagine her muscles working. Um, okay. Rachel is taught by an instructor via video conference. She gets bored and tries to sneak out, but gets a shock when she realises the instructor can see her, too. This bit is probably meant to be funny but it's not.
Rachel goes home and decides she needs some pampering. She gets out her Slenderella deep mineral conditioning hair treatment. Then her dad barges in and tries to evacuate her, saying there must be an electrical fire or some noxious gas around or something. Then he realises he’s just smelling her hair treatment. Yeah...Slenderella stinks.
Switch to Lila. She’s thinking about how utterly exhausted she is. She turns on TV and sees Katherine giving an interview. Katherine is all smiles while describing her hectic schedule and Lila wonders how come Katherine isn’t at all tired the way she is. Lila thinks about how she’s bored because all she does is exercise, diet, and get wrapped in slimy/smelly things. And she never sees her friends anymore. Of course, just then Jessica and Mandy come over unexpectedly. Lila “pulled her hair back off her face, so that her emerging resemblance to Katherine Pierce would be more noticeable”. Roflmao. Why does she think her face will start looking like Katherine’s?...maybe the food deprivation has gone to her head.
The next day, Mandy tries to talk Rachel out of leaving the spa and going to get a soda with her. Mandy thinks to herself that Lila and Rachel are acting like they've fallen into the clutches of a cult. But Janice (the Personal Best lady) spirits Rachel away and guilts her into staying at the spa with lines about “commitment” and “potential”. Then we switch to Lila doing an aerobics class with Katherine. Even though Lila’s had two Slenderella health muffins and two diet supplement drinks before the class, she still feels exhausted. Then her stomach turns and she has to go throw up. Katherine finds her later and is all “What’s wrong?" Lila's like "I have no energy. I feel sick." Katherine is like, "Maybe you’re not getting enough exercise. Let’s sign you up for more classes!” What an idiot.
The next afternoon, Mandy goes to the hospital. She has her half-yearly follow-up appointment with her doctor to make sure there’s no reoccurrence of her cancer. The doctor does some tests, tells Mandy not to worry and to come back the next day. In the elevator on the way out, Mandy hears gossip that Katherine Pierce was admitted to the hospital that day, crying and looking sickly. In the lobby of the hospital, Ms. Malone is getting interviewed by reporters. Ms. Malone says that it wasn’t Katherine who was admitted, but another Slenderella customer who had caught the tip of her thumb in a weight machine. The reporters are all “But hospital patients swear she looked exactly like Katherine”, and Ms. Malone is like “The Slenderella Spa has created many beautiful women who resemble Katherine Pierce. It wasn’t her”. Wha?? I don't get all this 'Slenderella will make you look like Katherine Pierce' bullshit. What sane person would think going to the gym will make you look like someone famous? Sure, it might improve your own body and looks, but it's not going to make you look like someone else. Mandy notices Ms. Malone’s mouth twitching when she gives her statements to the press, and suspects she’s lying.
The next day (sorry I keep starting paragraphs this way!), a bunch of women at the spa are asking questions about Katherine. Ms. Malone assures them that Katherine is not in the hospital, and says she is at the Southville Slenderella Spa today (wherever Southville is). Mandy and Jessica decide to bike there and check it out. As suspected, the spa manager swears that Katherine is not there. Mandy calls a Unicorn meeting and tells Rachel and Lila that Slenderella is hazardous to their health.
Lila and Rachel aren’t impressed. They decide the others are jealous because soon they’ll be hanging out with famous stars. Lila and Rachel decide to team up and help each other ‘achieve their goals’ (model goals? Actress goals? It’s all pretty vague now).
The next day, Mandy visits the hospital to get her cancer results. Of course, she’s 100% healthy. Yay. Her doctor gives her a speech on how to stay healthy, indicating that she should exercise, but not too much, and eat healthily, but not over do it. On the way out, Mandy sees Katherine Pierces, slumped and looking sickly in a wheelchair. Mandy sees her favourite nurse from when she was sick, and pumps her for information.
It turns out Katherine is suffering from exhaustion and malnutrition. Mandy tells Jessica this the next day. The girls worry because Katherine was always drinking the Slenderella diet supplement, and now Rachel and Lila are too. Does Slenderella only care about making as much money as possible, and not about the health of their patrons? (Um, yes.) Jessica hilariously confesses that she’s noticed Rachel and Lila smell bad all the time now. Lila! Where’s the you we all know and love? Come back to us!
That afternoon, Lila and Rachel are sick of their Slenderella treatments and each sneak out of their rooms at the same time. They run into each other, each wrapped in weird treatment goo, in a sequence that’s probably meant to be funny. Mandy walks in for some reason and gives a speech about her cancer (why is that always brought up?) and how Katherine is sick and they should leave …but just then, Ms. Malone and Katherine walk in, and Katherine dramatically announces “That’s a lie!”.
Katherine says she’s been in New York shooting footage for her new infomercial, and that she wants Rachel and Lila in the video too. The girls shoo Mandy away. They shoot the video, and the director is a total ass, yelling incessantly at all the girls. Lila and Rachel watch the infomercial that night on the news (yah, I’m sure it’d be on that quickly). Both Lila and Rachel feel disappointed seeing themselves on TV, thinking they look exactly the same as when they started at Slenderella. Cheer up girls, the camera adds ten pounds. Katherine gives a speech about how whoever wins the Slenderella competition will win 2 days of her lifestyle - which is...attending her aerobics classes, enjoying 2 days of the Personal Best program, having a private lunch with her and hearing her beauty secrets. Uh…bahahaha. Unsurprisingly, Lila and Rachel suddenly lose their enthusiasm to win the prize.
Mandy and Jessica run into Katherine at the grocery store. At first, Jessica doesn’t believe it’s Katherine and says it’s ‘some old lady’. But then they get up close and it is Katherine - only with dark circles under her eyes, yellowish skin, no makeup, and a slumped posture. Sounds kinda like someone I know. Mandy and Jessica call out to Katherine, but she sees them and runs out of the store. That afternoon, Katherine is about to draw the prize for the competition at the spa but...just when she’s about to announce the winner, she collapses. Ms. Malone screams that it's okay, she just has appendicitis, and Katherine is taken to hospital.
Mandy decides to follow Katherine to the hospital. Mandy’s kind of annoying and prying like Elizabeth, but she had cancer (in case you didn't know) so we can’t pick on her. Katherine is staying in hospital under the alias “Jackie Hatfield”…Mandy manages to find her by convincing the nurse that she had a legitimate reason for visiting her. Wow. I should try that next time I hear a celebrity’s been admitted to hospital. Most of the rest of this chapter is dialogue, so I’ll try and simplify it for you:
Mandy: Y r u living a lie, Katherine?
Katherine: (crying) you wouldn’t understand.
Mandy: I had cancer. Of course I understand. Is Slenderella a crock?
Katherine: Yep. It is.
Mandy: Y r u endorsing it then?
Katherine: (angry) My career was down the toilet! My modeling was in the dumpster! My TV show was vomited on! I had nothing. So I took the Slenderella job, but I had to keep up regular appearances at the spa, sell a certain amount of merchandise personally, and never be seen in public without full makeup or wearing Slenderella gear. I can never say I’m tired since I’m sposed to have tons of energy from that gross supplement stuff.
Mandy: Shit ay. So what’s in the gross goo?
Katherine: Nothing harmful, just soy milk and vitamins.
Mandy: Y u so malnourished then?
Katherine: I srsly dn’t have the time or energy to eat, yo.
Reader: Um…so is this anorexia or just the pressures of celebrity or what?
Ghostwriters: You decide!
Mandy: Is this all worth it?
Katherine: I HAVE TO SURVIVE! I’ll do anything for survival. What would you know? You’re just a kid.
Mandy: I know about survival, I had CANCER. Duh. Didn't you read my t-shirt? Didn't you see that blimp I flew outside proclaiming it to the world?
Mandy and Jessica bike to Slenderella in the next scene to try to get Ms. Malone to admit Slenderella sucks and to take her claws out of Lila and Rachel. But a news truck is already there.
Rachel and Lila ask to terminate their memberships because that contest totally screwed them, but Ms. Malone talks them out of it by saying they’ll get a featured role in Katherine’s new workout video. But just then, Katherine walks in all dramatic with the news cameras. “It’s true that I wouldn’t be what I am now without Slenderella. And what I am is exhausted, malnourished, and recovering from a nervous breakdown.” Ms. Malone is all “Gasp! No comment!”. I imagine this being like A Current Affair, with Tracy Grimshaw being all “The bodgy health spa exploiting young teens. Do you want this in your neighbourhood?”.
Rachel and Lila feel all embarrassed and sullen and tell Katherine they can’t believe they thought she thought they were special. Then there’s a made-for-TV moment where she’s all “I do think you’re special. The Unicorns are awesome. Friendship is the greatest gift of all. I wish I was a Unicorn”. Then Ellen comes out of nowhere and gasps and is like “What happened? You look awful, Katherine!” And the other girls are like “Oh, Ellen!” Then Katherine walks off looking sad and Lila asks if she’d like to hang with them sometime. Because it’s Awesome!Lila, Katherine says yes and is even grateful they’d want to hang with a phony like her. Rachel and Lila tell Katherine they see "real potential" in her. Say it with me now: Awwwww.
The last, short, paragraph or so shows the Unicorns finally hanging out with Katherine at a fun Hollywood party like they dreamed, getting introduced to cute Hollywood hunks. Aaaand that’s a wrap.
Things I found stupid in this book:
- The way Lila and Rachel’s parents did not seem to give a toss that their slim 13 year old daughters were spending vast amounts of money and time on a weight-loss program.
- The way Slenderella even allowed them to be members in the first place, don’t you have to be over 18 or 16 or something to join a gym?
- The way Ms. Malone pimped Katherine out to have lunch willy-nilly with anyone who spent some cash there.
- The name ‘Slenderella’.
- The way Mandy brought up her cancer every five seconds. I know it must be awful to have cancer, but surely ‘cancer’ isn’t her only personality trait.
- The way Lila and Rachel never sued the pants off Slenderella.
- The fact that I’m still not sure if this was meant to be a story about anorexia and the pressures to be thin, or if it was just about how hard celebrity is. It started off like it was supposed to address body image issues, but we never really got that ‘love the body you’re in’ epiphany, it just seemed like “being a celebrity can hurt, and don't drink brackish purple energy supplements”. Oh well, try again next time, Sweet Valley.