SVU Secret Love Diaries: Chloe
Okay, so I’ve been a member for a while but resisted writing my own recap because I have been unable to find any SV books and everyone has been so damn witty lately that I wasn’t sure if how I’d scrub up in comparison.
But I felt compelled to bring you this awful, awful, wonderful book. Between the endless repetition, jarring continuity errors, and new millennium pop culture references, it’s possibly the best SV book ever. The only thing that really lets it down is the complete lack of Jessica and Lila’s presence (wait, come back!) There is only a tiny picture on the cover of what I presume is Chloe, I can't work if she's incredibly attractive or not, well I guess Tyra would like her
For brevity’s sake, I’ll try to keep things succinct. I know about the cut thing through bsc-snark but hope I get the tags right, I;m sure I've left out vital info but please let me know :)
We meet our useless heroine, Chloe, who is with her best friend Valerie Berger (blessed with the “lightly freckled face” of nerdy-sidekickhood) and she is bemoaning Tom Watts’ latest girlfriend Georgina. Who is a “dead ringer for Uma Thurman, with Angelina Jolie’s pout and Jared Leto’s blue eyes.” I guess once the ghosties realised they were allowed to do more than occasionally reference Robert Redford and Bo Derek they really let loose. Chloe then gets all fangirly over Jessica and Lila, the other “legendary campus beauties.” Hilariously, Chloe thinks Elizabeth is “plain, boring and grumpy” compared to her sister.
There is lots of grinning impishly and nodding thoughtfully and affectionate eye crinkling before we get to something interesting - Chloe has a thumping great crush on Tom and the previous spring, had had a fabulous, soul-matey date with him (he even kissed her!) care of the awesome Lila Miss Fowler who set them up. Seems like he completely forgot about her over summer but she didn’t, hinting that he was her girlfriend…and (this is where it gets a little confusing) she managed to get a date with him but then he left a message on her answering machine calling her Cody, and of course every bitch in Christendom was present to hear it. What I want to know is, if he had such a good time with her during their Spring Fling, and then JUST had a date with her, how could he not remember her name?
Then - those classic words that fill any gal’s heart with girlish glee: “It’s the Holiday Hooligan Mixer!” The premise of it is that the SVU Athletic League (okay, not the Guild of Sexual Predators then) organise “intensive questionnaires” that people fill out and then from peoples’ answers they match them up with their “ideal” partners. What if you’re gay? Although I suppose they are “intensive.” But seriously, wtf? Is this legal? Do universities in America really do this sort of thing? I mean, the first-years don’t need any assistance in shagging each other, for one thing…
We are also introduced to Chloe’s geeky friend who has “horn rimmed glasses” and “a constant cowlick” in his hair. He sounds cute enough, but of course he’s called Ernest, so that we know he’s geeky without her having to explain every time he appears. He's nice and all, but pleeease, Chloe's all about pop-you-ler. (lar?)
Diary entry: basically rehashing her misery self-indulgently (well, it is a diary). Chloe also says how Jessica and Lila are “beautiful, but they have big personalities too.” I can just imagine Jess being like, “hey, did she just call me fat?” Chloe calls her room-mate Moira a “bee-atch” hee!
God, this is only chapter 1. This book is endless. Chloe goes to Val’s dorm to fill out the questionnaire (surely by 2000 they’d be online?) and we meet Deena, Val’s roommate, who “tools around in old sweats and XXX-large Tshirts.” Oh god. Deena = Me 90% of the time. Doing their bit for maintaining bulimia across America, the ghostie gives this its own personal paragraph:
“Worse, she was overweight. A good twenty pounds overweight.” Good grief! How has she been integrated into polite society?! She might accidentally kill someone with her thighs…or something. Chloe bitchily muses about how Deena somehow managed to dare to be happy in herself. The chapter concludes with Chloe attempting to answer the questionnaire in such a manner that she has to end up with Tom Watts.
More drivelly diary entries from Chloe the Overthinker (that is, she thinks way too much about Tom Watts and nothing else). Seriously, her diary makes no sense most of the time, and I don’t know whether to applaud the ghostie (supposedly Laurie John - yeah right. You just know that L.Jo had her own sub-ghostie to deal with all this crap) for their realism or slap them upside the head for producing a near-unreadable text.
Did you know that Tom Watts read Little Women? And he cried when Beth died? Are we supposed to find this hot?
Chloe describes herself as “a cool, hip, happening freshman.” She sounds like a youth pastor. She says that the reason Tom Watts is so fab “was that he was totally unique.” Chloe has been reading too many Baby Sitters Club books. She runs into Ernest the Geek, who is also reading Little Women. She says that it’s okay for super hot jocks to read this but it’s kind of “heinous” on Ernest. Kind of like only thin girls are allowed to find happiness. Bitch. Chloe feels “her entire blood flow surge with each unconscious flip of his [Tom’s] hair.” I mean, words fail me. I can just picture Tom, tossing his hair ecstatically in the manner of some Clairol ad while a beam of light shines upon him and angels sing and Chloe ends up with a nosebleed.
Chloe is paired with Tom Watts in the Holiday Hooligan Mixer! Valerie is paired with Alvin Merriweather. Who has to be a geek with a name like that. Right? And in a hi-jinky twist of fate, Ernest is paired with “starkly beautiful” Wendy Warrensky, the stankest bitch on campus.
There is a party with a theme of “luaulike” (yes) and I perked up here because Jessica and Lila were present but only briefly (boo!) because they’re too busy handing out “trays of ham puffs and pineapple tarts.” As if Lila is going to be standing there with a damn tray of ham. Shame on you, “Laurie John,” if that is your real name! Nothing to see here, except for “Lily the rambunctious frosh” who was nicknamed Speedy “because of her incredibly fast speech.” Yeah. That’s why.
Chloe then has a creepy encounter at the creepily named “Yum Yums” restaurant. Seriously, that’s a greasy-assed name for a restaurant. The waiter gives her a smoothie and a slice of Black Forest cake on the house. Chloe has “tears of confusion” as to why she can talk so easily to guys when she’s not trying. I had tears of confusion at this stage too. She’s also worried about the presence of Uma-Jared-Angelina at the dance. Valerie advises her to be like Grace Kelly, and be cool and classy. Not bad advice, but I think she should try a little Freddie instead. Chloe, Deena, Deena’s new boyfriend, Val and some other broad see a film, Betty Blue. I casually googled it and good lord, I think it’s real - the description in the book is similar to what I read on Amazon. Sounds like something I would have watched in film studies last year - French, and lots of artistic sex. Well, I guess they are supposed to be uni students.
Chloe attends a class (gasp!) and gets a verbal smackdown from the lecturer who asks Chloe if she can name any words that we use today that have come from Ancient Greek. Instead of saying, “goodness, no I can’t think of any at the moment.” Chloe says “elbow grease?” I’m not saying I could think of one on the spot in front of the whole class, but jebus. Oh and I think its supposed to be a pun because she gets teased about her “pun” by Moira and her co-bitches later on. Except Chloe calls them “witches.” Soooo “bee-atch” = Queen’s English, “bitch” = cussing?
Later there is a “matchup meet” where all the prospective couples can get together and exchange awkward pleasantries or something. Turns out that Valerie’s Alvin is not only “incredibly cute” but also “foxy” and is into extreme sports. Well done to the ghostie for their bravery in breaking the stereotype that all guys with left-of-centre names are undesirable, often perpetuated by this very type of literature. Kudos. Tom Watts appears, all crinkly-eyed and fragrant and asks Cody, I mean Chloe, out on a date. Meanwhile, Ernest and Wendy Bitchensky seem to be getting bizzay in the corner. I’m beginning to suspect this storyline is like the more grownup version of the “pair up odd couples and make them look after an egg” storyline. In her talky diary entry, Chloe wonders if maybe Tom asking her out was just some weird tic he has, like he has to do it to test that he’s still attractive. This is actually kind of funny.
Valerie chides Chloe for being so excited about her date with Tom because technically he’s cheating on Georgina. Which is true. She then says that “Albert” asked her on a date and she’s really excited. I thought his name was Alvin. Unless this is a case of do as I say, not as I do and Valerie is a secret whore. Stupid useless editors.
Within pages we have another error. Chloe says she likes to look like Phoebe from Friends (soooo…a drunken fortune teller?) but doesn’t want to look like Phoebe Longstocking. The previous owner of this book must have been as pissed off by this as I was because they crossed out “Phoebe” and wrote “Pippi” above it. I salute you, anonymous friend. She then puts on slutloads of makeup, and heads to “Hola!” the Mexican restaurant. I’d be saying “adios” personally…
Tom arrives late. Chloe says she’s normally really early. What better way to kick off a date with the guy you’re obsessed with than by saying “I’m really anal!” Then there is all this icky “chemistry” and “witty banter” between them, culminating in a supposedly hilarious (dialogue sample: “Put on your limbo shoes!”) limbo scene. Maybe it helps aid digestion or something.
Tom then says how Umarredalina is his coach’s daughter and the coach kind of trapped him into a relationship with her. And he doesn’t want to make his coach angry, but he doesn’t reeeeally like Miss Universe. So is it cool with Chloe if he dates her too, but she’s not allowed to tell anyone? Boy, is it ever!
Montage time: Chloe namechecks lots of products/brands, has secret dates with Tom. In the middle of this there is another lecture, where Jessica is present and gives some unprepared boy some totally witty sass, much to Chloe’s dribbling awe. She wonders how she could be as beautiful as Jessica, Elizabeth (not so plain now?) and…Nina. Nina hasn’t been mentioned the whole damn book, but whatever. Oh, and on one of her clandestine meetings with Tom, he signs an autograph for a kid. Even though I read about it in the aforementioned “I am Charlotte Simmons,” it still seems so completely foreign to me. This really happens?
I have to type this out verbatim for you:
“Instead of the witty, almost self-deprecating guy who had sat across from her at Hola! or the blank-faced Adonis who loped along next to Georgina on campus, here was a full-blooded American male at the height of his powers, the John Wayne in all the beer and cigarette ads, imparting a touch of his magic mystery to all who caught his eye or hand.”
Well that’s just fucking astounding.
Even more staggering is - get your smelling salts ready - on one of their dates, they stop at Dunkin’ Donuts for food, and once again “so Chloe could pee.” Bodily functions in SV? Is this a first? I know there was a toilet when Elizabeth was kidnapped, but did she ever even use it?
Tom is a complete twat. He’s all, babe, I can’t break up with Georgina now, it’s nearly Christmas. She’s be miserable. Well, she could always look in the mirror for comfort.
Eventually, as with all montages, there is the date where everything goes wrong. Tom apologises for giving Chloe Dr Pepper instead of Coke. I don’t know how many people read these books but there is a product/brand mentioned every six words, I swear. Chloe asks Tom if they were going to “fool around.” Clinical. Tom’s all, “umm no, I just wanted to kiss you which is okay ‘cause it’s not really cheating and I’d feel bad for sexing you when Georgina and I are still together and oooh look it’s my mesmerising smile! Everything’s fine now YAY!”
The day of the mixer! Tom arrives to pick Chloe up, and Moira and all her friends are there. Tom says “it’s Chloe, right?” Bastard! I realise Chloe isn’t the most likeable of characters, but was Tom always this nasty? Maybe that’s what dating Elizabeth does to you. Then at the dance he ignores her and says “nice to meet you” to Chloe before swanning off to dance with Georgina.
Georgina then runs into this guy that has NEVER been mentioned in the whole book, “Daniel” who is in her class. Some things never change though, his voice gets “husky” when he talks to her. Did the ghostwriter read like, half of a Sweet Valley book as research? Because there’s the husky voice of lust, but then I can’t figure out how Chloe needing to go to the toilet got in there.
Daniel “looked around Chloe as if imaginary elves were holding up her skirt.” Oh, I get that look all the time. What’s a girl to do? Apparently Tom Watts is a dead ringer for Tom Cruise. Ummm I thought he was supposed to be good looking.
Then Chloe and Daniel go into the coat room and pash. Tra la la, it’s over! It would have been less of an underwhelming ending if we’d actually met Daniel earlier. But maybe it’s just me, I mean I am really anal…