SVU #55 - The First Time
SVU #55 - The First Time
Guarding Elizabeth Wakefield’s chastity belt is a full-time job. You may already be aware that Jessica goes to drastic and unusual measures to save Elizabeth’s virginity from Sam’s clutches in the final SVU title, “Face It” (with her scheme subsequently sending a distraught Liz over to England). Now get ready to see Sam do the same thing in “The First Time”, a book with a grossly misleading title. I seriously can’t believe SVU devoted two books to the protection of Elizabeth’s v-plates (three, if you count the very first SVU title where Liz decides not to sleep with Todd). I’m surprised there isn’t a special CIA team devoted to ensuring Elizabeth’s purity …they could call it Patrons for the Retention of the Unspoilt Delicacy of Elizabeth (or PRUDE for short).
Anyway…I could probably sum this book up in four words: Elizabeth is an idiot. But I’ll try and be more descriptive. In this book, Sam Burgess, a supposedly laid-back slacker who lives with Elizabeth but finds her annoying, practically moves mountains to stop Elizabeth sleeping with the guy she’s dating (Finn). Finn is kind of a weird name.
Elizabeth looks haunted on this cover, like she’s running away from something only she can see behind her. It’s probably this. That’s right honey…you can’t run forever…that evil sex is gonna getcha one day! In fact, reading this recap is probably already a let down, since we know exactly when she gives it up, and it’s not now. And we all know what happened after that. Also, sorry for the abundance of additional plots (B, C, and D); SVU books are just like this, with 100 stories going at once.
The book begins with Sam and his friend Bugsy sitting at a bar, checking out girls. It’s already been noted what a dumb name Bugsy is, so I won’t do it again. Bugsy is teasing Sam about liking Elizabeth. Sam is futilely protesting that he doesn’t, although it’s obvious he does. Sam mentally calls SVU “SV-Useless”, which is kinda funny since you know he’s right and most of their classes are probably stuff like “How to Pay for Everything by Credit Card 101”, “Making an Excuse for a Dance Every Week” and “Beating that Pesky Evil Doppelganger” (actually, that last class could come in pretty handy. Jess and Liz would teach it, of course). Sam runs into Todd, who works at this bar. It’s a ‘townie’ bar. I’m not sure what that means, but apparently it’s baaaaad, according to SVU students. Sam gains a new respect for Todd, since Sam thinks SVU students suck. Whatever. I don’t get this townie business, but read more about it in the D plot.
Then! Then Sam gets a shock when he notices Finn, the med student Elizabeth is dating (who he mentally calls “Dr. Cool”), on a date with a big-breasted blond bimbo. Finn and Blondie make out and Sam frets.
We switch to Liz’s POV for a sec. In fact, the A-story switches from Sam’s POV to Liz’s POV a lot, so I’ll just begin passages with “Liz’s POV” and “Sam’s POV” now when necessary. Liz is dressed up in a tiny black dress and thinking about how she wants to look “sexy, but not too sexy” for her date with Finn that night. Apparently the way she had originally captured Finn’s interest was by dressing “Jessica-hot”. Liz worries about whether Finn’s ‘the one’ and whether she should give up her golden treasure chest to him (I think I’m going for the world record for euphemisms for ‘virginity’ in this recap). She knows intellectually that if he loves her, he’ll wait, but wonders if she’s making him wait too long. Yeesh. See why I summed up this book as “Elizabeth is an idiot”? If you don’t want to sex him, don’t sex him, Liz! It’s as simple as that. But of course, this takes ‘the smart Wakefield’ a whole book to figure out.
Sam’s POV: Sam comes home to find Liz all dressy uppy. It’s revealed that he’s skipped a basketball game with the guys to whisk in and save Liz's cherry. How generous of you, Sam! He tells Liz that he saw Finn with Blondie and that Finn is a two-timing jerk. Liz’s reaction is a dry laugh and a “yeah, right, Sam”. Liz stupidly dismisses Sam as being jealous of Finn, and tells him to “pick a more believable bar next time. Finn would never take a girl to the neighbourhood Frankie’s is in”. I guess this is an example of SVU students’ snobbiness towards ‘townie’ bars.
Liz’s POV: Liz is enjoying her date with Finn in a classy Italian restaurant. She looks around trying to memorise every detail of Finn’s perfect face, the savor of every dish, the gooey eggplant (ew!), the unusual vinaigrette, even the ice cubes in the water glasses. Yes, it really lists all that. Maybe the ghostwriter has ambitions to be a food critic. Also, Liz is drinking red wine. STOP THE PRESSES!!! Elizabeth Wakefield is engaging in underage drinking? Don’t you remember what happened the last couple of times, Lizzie?
Finn orders cannoli for dessert, and for some reason this makes Liz think he’s ‘the one’. Finn dramatically tells Liz he thinks he’s falling in love with her and that he wants an exclusive relationship with her. She dreamily says the same thing back. He tells her he’s got to be alone with her now, then backtracks and says he’s sorry for pressuring her, and that if she’s still not ready, it’s okay. But then Liz looks into his caramel-coloured eyes and says that she’s very ready. Pfffft. Right.
Finn and Liz get into Finn’s car. Liz thinks about how she’s still semi-unsure of the sex (then why did you say you were ready?), but that she feels secure since Finn’s said he loves her and wants to be exclusive. Then Finn starts making out with Liz and slides his hand to the “edge of her panties”. Hehe, ‘panties’. It’s soon clear that the parking lot is what Finn meant by going somewhere where they could be ‘alone’. Finn, you dipshit. If the girl is hesitant to sleep with you, how is trying to get action in a dingy parking lot going to help your cause? Unsurprisingly, Liz is like “not here…not like this”. I mean really, all Liz prude jokes aside, who wants to lose their virginity in a parking lot? Finn apologises and drives them to his apartment to ‘watch old movies’.
When they get there, Finn conveniently can’t find his box of videotapes. So he and Liz make out on the couch. Liz tries to take her shoes off, but Finn tells her to ‘leave them on, they’re sexy’. Shoe fetish? Things get too close for comfort for Liz again, and just before she’s about to tell Finn to stop, a videotape pokes her in the butt and she presents it to Finn. So they start watching it and it distracts them for a while (it’s “High Noon”, in case anyone cares).
Finn soon starts trying to take Liz’s dress off again, but she pushes him away and ends up confessing she’s a virgin. Up until this point of the book, I’d had no idea that Finn didn’t know she was a virgin. Anyway, when she tells Finn, he creepily gives her “the biggest, sweetest smile she’d ever seen in her life”. Finn eats little virgins for breakfast! Seriously, this reaction is really gross. Especially when he follows it by not really listening to the rest of what Liz is saying (which is “I’m not sure if I’m ready, I want to take things slow”). Finn is all “sure, we can have sex as slowly as you like! Now follow me to the bed”. Liz gets teary and says she’s still scared to ‘go all the way’. Finn actually laughs and tells her that’s ‘so high school’. Um…DUMP HIM, LIZ. Elizabeth goes home crying and Finn says “I’ll call you”. What a successful night.
Sam’s POV: Sam is playing playstation with Bugsy and worrying about Liz. Just then, Liz bursts into the house looking upset and runs upstairs. Sam follows her to make sure she didn’t do it with Dr. Cool.
Liz’s POV: Liz feels stupid that she’s ‘so high school’. Oh Liz, cheer up. Finn is the one who’s so high school. Sam comes in and is like, “So, he confessed about Blondie, huh?” You’d think that at this point, after getting a glimpse of Finn’s true colours, Liz would realise Sam hadn’t made up that Finn was cheating. But she stupidly reasons that Sam’s just assuming Finn is ‘that kind of guy’ because Sam is ‘that kind of guy’. She thinks some other stuff too, like that Sam didn’t look like he was lying but that he must be, because everything was a game to him. What? She considers basically every explanation except that Sam is telling the truth. What an idiot. Liz kicks Sam out of her room.
Sam’s POV: Sam can’t sleep so he watches Jerry Springer on TV. Sam frets about Liz. Sam is aware somewhere deep down that he has feelings for Liz, but he doesn’t want to explore them because, I don’t know. He’s just too mysterious and deep to have a relationship, I guess. But watching J.S. gives him an idea - if he shows Liz what a jerk he can be to women, it’ll make her see that Finn is a jerk too! Um…or it’ll just make her think you’re a jerk, Sam. These characters need to spend more time actually going to their University classes, maybe then they won’t be so stupid.
Liz’s POV: Liz is coming out of a classroom. She spots Finn standing outside a different classroom and watches him for a while. Then a redhead comes up to him. She sees Finn write down something the redhead tells him on some paper (probably her phone number). Finn leaves and Liz runs after him… “She had to catch him…or some other girl would”. But she STILL DOESN”T BELIEVE SAM ABOUT THE CHEATING??? What a fucking idiot!
Sam’s POV: Sam is hanging with Anna Wilcox, a hot girl friend of his. They make a plan to teach Liz a lesson that night.
Liz’s POV: Liz runs into Finn and he’s happy to see her. He says he understands her feelings about her virginity and says that every first time, whether it’s sex or anything else, is scary. He suggests they both try a method called “projective anxiety”, where they both imagine and visualise the sex going really well. Then they pick a date, and as it gets closer to the date, all they’ll feel is anticipation and not fear. WHAT? This guy is insane, Liz, please dump him. Finn suggests this Saturday. Liz feels like that’s way too soon, and says besides, she, Jessica, Sam and Neil are having a party at theirs that Saturday night. Undeterred, Finn suggests that’s the perfect night, since she won’t want to spend the night there anyway as it’ll be all ‘smoky and gross’. For some ridiculous reason, Elizabeth agrees to do it this Saturday (even though she doesn’t want to). I’m not at all on Finn’s side, but you can kind of understand the guy’s frustration. Liz says about 500 times in this book that she’s gonna sex him, even though she doesn’t have any intention of going through with it.
Sam’s POV: He and Anna are watching a movie at home, ready for the plan to begin. When Elizabeth walks in, he and Anna kiss and make it look like they’ve been making out for a while. They act as if Elizabeth is interrupting them. Sam (on-purpose) introduces Anna as “Erin”. Anna is like “Um, it’s Anna”. Elizabet looks at them in disgust. Anna babbles for a while, making it look like she’s really into Sam. She also mentions she’s on the dean’s list, which is a smart move (letting Elizabeth know she’s not just a cotton-wool-for-brains idiot). Liz gives Sam dirty looks and goes upstairs.
Liz’s POV: The next morning, Liz is plagued by thoughts of what an asshole Sam is for taking advantage of poor Anna. Then she hears bedsprings creaking, laughter and a girl’s moans. Oh noes! They’re having the sex! Gross!
Anna and Sam come downstairs. Anna is all giggly and looking at Sam, but Sam practically ignores her, then makes out like he has to meet someone in twenty minutes, “so…”. He sends Anna home on the bus and says unconvincingly that he’ll call her. When Anna’s gone, Elizabeth calls Sam disgusting and revolting. It seems like his plot may have worked, because she thinks to herself How could any girl feel ready to make love for the first time when she sees how jerks like you can be? Sam is all “Girls like that aren’t going to be with you if all you want is sex. So a guy’s gotta put on a little show”. I guess this is supposed to wake Liz up to Finn’s ways, but it doesn’t. Also, this is so stereotypical. So all girls who might just want a physical relationship aren’t cool, pretty or smart? And all cool, pretty and smart girls want a serious relationship? I hate double standards.
The next Liz scene shows her and Nina going to the campus sexual health clinic to get some information on birth control. Nina babbles about how sexy Xavier is (see C-Plot). Liz confesses to Nina that no matter how in love and exclusive things are with Finn, she still doesn’t feel ready for the sex. Yawn. I’m getting sick of Liz’s ‘not ready for sex’ thoughts, I think I’ll just label them NRFS from now on.
At home, Liz has more NRFS thoughts and worries about birth control and AIDS. Liz calls Finn to get some reassurance, but he can’t talk because he has a ‘study group’ over. Liz hears female laughter. And a giggling female voice going, “Finn? Who’s that?” Of course, Liz still doesn’t get suspicious. *Head to wall* The display pic I'm using for this recap perfectly displays my reaction while reading most of this book.
Sam’s POV: It’s Saturday night and a party is raging at Sam/Liz/Jess/Neil’s. Sam catches sight of Liz and Finn holding hands and looking sickeningly deeply into each others eyes on the couch. Then Liz catches Sam’s eye and leads Finn upstairs.
Sam runs to interrupt the two. He ‘introduces’ himself to Finn and then brings up the Frankie’s/Blondie incident. Finn acts like he’s never heard of Frankie’s. Sam spots Todd walking past and drags him into the conversation, but Todd says that there are so many people coming in and out of Frankie’s, it’s hard to remember who was there and who wasn’t. Then! Todd does remember, and says he saw Finn playing around with a stethoscope and a hot blonde. Finn somehow manages to keep his cool and still deny it.
Liz's POV: Elizabeth has marbles for brains. She believes Finn and they leave to go to his place. Finn gives a big speech in the car about how much Elizabeth means to him, and she turns to mush. Her thoughts about being finally ready for sex are boring and embarrassing: It’s time. It’s time for the love of a man and a woman for each other to be made real. This is real. It’s me. Finn and me. Now. HOT! Maybe Liz has lost it, because she sees the stars twinkling outside when she makes out with Finn, and thinks ‘Hi, guys’. Yes, I’m sure the stars can hear you, Liz. Liz and Finn make out in Finn’s room. Finn once again makes Liz leave her shoes on. Liz giggles and thinks “kinky doctor”. I feel dirty transcribing this. We get six pages of babble about their making out, with hands running up legs and shirts being unbuttoned and stuff, but I’ll spare you most of it.
Liz angsts for another six pages about how it’s starting to feel weird, and realizes for the umpteenth time that she’s NRFS. She tells Finn and he becomes really scornful and asshole-ish and “I could have any girl I want”. Elizabeth is like, why don’t you call your little blonde from Frankie’s? And Finn picks up the phone and does just that. Finn calls Elizabeth a ‘little girl’ and says he’s going to be with a ‘real woman who knows how to treat a real man’ now. I think this ghostwriter’s watched too much film noir, who talks like this?
Liz feels sick and ashamed for having trusted Finn. How could she have been so wrong when the cannoli said he was 'the one'? Liz can't believe the cannoli lied to her. She leaves and calls home to talk to Jessica. By this time, Jess and Neil have left to go out dancing, so she reluctantly allows Sam to come get her. When Sam reaches her, we get this gem: “Even though Elizabeth didn’t manage a smile, Sam had never been so happy to see him”. Wow, she has a sex change in one sentence. Liz angsts to Sam about how he was right and she is stupid, and the book pretty much ends, abruptly, there. Um. Yeah.
The B-Plot (Chloe)
The B-Plot centres around Chloe, a new freshman at SVU. Probably no one cares about this, but I'll recap it anyway because I like to be thorough. Chloe wants to join the Thetas, which as we all know is the sorority on campus. Jessica is the social director (or something?) of the sorority. Chloe majorly looks up to Jess. Chloe has a best friend, Val, who is also pledging. Their first pledge task is to kiss a Sigma brother on the lips on command from a Theta sister. Mmm, mature.
In the SVU cafeteria, some Theta sisters choose a Sigma jock for Chloe to kiss. She kisses him, but unfortunately his Britney Spears-lookalike girlfriend is nearby and shouts at her and calls her a slut. Chloe is humiliated and stammers that she’s a pledge, then runs out of the caf. The Thetas make Chloe and Val do increasingly mean things, until they order them to insult a fat girl who is their friend. Because a big fat happy girl who is enjoying some ice cream must be punished (this is seriously almost exactly what the Thetas say). Both Chloe and Val refuse to do this and drop out of the pledge class. But then Jessica and Denise (the Theta president) come by later to their apartment and apologise, saying the Theta sisters who dared them to do this have been reprimanded. W00t, I guess. Chloe ends up going to the Jess/Liz/Sam/Neil party and meets a nice but nerdy guy called Martin. Chloe deems him not good enough because he’s a nerd, but decides she’ll date him for ‘practice’. What a stuck-up bitch.
The C-Plot (Nina)
Nina (nerdy friend of Elizabeth) actually gets out of the house for once and goes to see a band called ‘Wired’. The lead singer has a ‘vocal mix of Lenny Kravitz and Eddie Vedder’. Um, okay. Nina thinks he’s smokin’ hot. Her friend Francesca, who’s dating the band’s drummer, tells Nina that hot singer man’s name is Xavier. Xavier checks Nina out and they have a moment. Nina thinks about how she really should be studying chemistry, but that Xavier’s molecules are so much more interesting. Hee.
Francesca drags Nina backstage after the band has played. Nina and Xavier immediately sink into conversation. Nina jokes that she dances like Elaine from Seinfeld, which makes me like her a little. Blah blah blah, Nina thinks Xavier rocks, they have such a connection, etc. They kiss. Nina has to go but she gives Xavier her number and he says he’ll ‘definitely call’ her.
By the time of the talk with Liz at the doctors in the A-story, Xavier still hasn’t called. Nina goes out again with Francesca to see the band, and when they’re finished playing she’s all “Hey Xavier!” But he’s all “Oh…hey”. He slips off and Nina sees him working every girl in the room. We also get this kind of disturbing line: “Nina watched in disbelief as Xavier made his way through the flock of girls. His sweat was literally dripping as he spread his essence through the surging room”. What? It sounds like Xavier is impregnating everyone there. YUCK!
Francesca tells Nina not to worry, that the boys have to keep the groupies interested in the band or something. Then Xavier comes up to Nina later and is all “Hey! I totally like you”. So yeah.
Nina goes to the Liz/Jess/Sam/Neil party in a tight dress and knee-high boots and all the boys want to talk to her because she’s so hot now. I wonder if they’d like her more or less if she wore this? Nina briefly runs into Todd. Nina spends a lot of time trying to find Xavier but can’t. Then she does. They have sex in Liz’s bed.
The D-Plot (Todd)
Todd goes to the SVU administration office to drop three classes he thinks are bogus (Biology, Art History and Intro to Philosophy). It’s revealed he wants to lighten his load so he can spend more time working at Frankie’s, making money, being independent and saving up for a Harley Davidson. A Harley, Todd? Don’t these kids remember anything? Todd’s apparently sick of the ‘artificial bubble’ of SVU and hates how all the SVU students diss him for wanting to work and hanging at a ‘townie’ bar.
Todd runs into Neil (Jessica’s gay friend who also lives with Jess, Liz and Sam), and Neil invites him to a party the gang is having that Saturday night. Even though Todd thinks to himself that he doesn’t really want to see Sam, Liz or Jess, a party’s a party and he should go. Um, okay. I guess that in Sweet Valley, parties have some sort of gravitational pull and missing one is like missing the last supper.
Todd spends more and more time working at the bar and misses some classes. Yawn.
Todd goes to the party. All the SVU girls blabber on about their sororities and can’t understand why Todd works at Frankie’s. Poor, misunderstood Todd. Then he runs into Nina. Todd thinks she looks hot and they fall into conversation. He thinks that he’s glad to be talking to someone who won’t judge him as a townie. He brings up Frankie’s. Nina’s response: “That townie bar? You work there? Why?” Hahahaha. Todd shakes his head at Nina, thinks about how his real friends are at Frankies, and leaves.
That’s it. Now, can someone please explain to me what a townie is? I’ve looked it up on urbandictionary.com and I guess I get the gist of it. But this book makes out like it’s a huge word in America, and as I’m from Australia I want to get the entire scope of it so I can add it to my mental thesaurus. Thank you.
Guarding Elizabeth Wakefield’s chastity belt is a full-time job. You may already be aware that Jessica goes to drastic and unusual measures to save Elizabeth’s virginity from Sam’s clutches in the final SVU title, “Face It” (with her scheme subsequently sending a distraught Liz over to England). Now get ready to see Sam do the same thing in “The First Time”, a book with a grossly misleading title. I seriously can’t believe SVU devoted two books to the protection of Elizabeth’s v-plates (three, if you count the very first SVU title where Liz decides not to sleep with Todd). I’m surprised there isn’t a special CIA team devoted to ensuring Elizabeth’s purity …they could call it Patrons for the Retention of the Unspoilt Delicacy of Elizabeth (or PRUDE for short).
Anyway…I could probably sum this book up in four words: Elizabeth is an idiot. But I’ll try and be more descriptive. In this book, Sam Burgess, a supposedly laid-back slacker who lives with Elizabeth but finds her annoying, practically moves mountains to stop Elizabeth sleeping with the guy she’s dating (Finn). Finn is kind of a weird name.
Elizabeth looks haunted on this cover, like she’s running away from something only she can see behind her. It’s probably this. That’s right honey…you can’t run forever…that evil sex is gonna getcha one day! In fact, reading this recap is probably already a let down, since we know exactly when she gives it up, and it’s not now. And we all know what happened after that. Also, sorry for the abundance of additional plots (B, C, and D); SVU books are just like this, with 100 stories going at once.
The book begins with Sam and his friend Bugsy sitting at a bar, checking out girls. It’s already been noted what a dumb name Bugsy is, so I won’t do it again. Bugsy is teasing Sam about liking Elizabeth. Sam is futilely protesting that he doesn’t, although it’s obvious he does. Sam mentally calls SVU “SV-Useless”, which is kinda funny since you know he’s right and most of their classes are probably stuff like “How to Pay for Everything by Credit Card 101”, “Making an Excuse for a Dance Every Week” and “Beating that Pesky Evil Doppelganger” (actually, that last class could come in pretty handy. Jess and Liz would teach it, of course). Sam runs into Todd, who works at this bar. It’s a ‘townie’ bar. I’m not sure what that means, but apparently it’s baaaaad, according to SVU students. Sam gains a new respect for Todd, since Sam thinks SVU students suck. Whatever. I don’t get this townie business, but read more about it in the D plot.
Then! Then Sam gets a shock when he notices Finn, the med student Elizabeth is dating (who he mentally calls “Dr. Cool”), on a date with a big-breasted blond bimbo. Finn and Blondie make out and Sam frets.
We switch to Liz’s POV for a sec. In fact, the A-story switches from Sam’s POV to Liz’s POV a lot, so I’ll just begin passages with “Liz’s POV” and “Sam’s POV” now when necessary. Liz is dressed up in a tiny black dress and thinking about how she wants to look “sexy, but not too sexy” for her date with Finn that night. Apparently the way she had originally captured Finn’s interest was by dressing “Jessica-hot”. Liz worries about whether Finn’s ‘the one’ and whether she should give up her golden treasure chest to him (I think I’m going for the world record for euphemisms for ‘virginity’ in this recap). She knows intellectually that if he loves her, he’ll wait, but wonders if she’s making him wait too long. Yeesh. See why I summed up this book as “Elizabeth is an idiot”? If you don’t want to sex him, don’t sex him, Liz! It’s as simple as that. But of course, this takes ‘the smart Wakefield’ a whole book to figure out.
Sam’s POV: Sam comes home to find Liz all dressy uppy. It’s revealed that he’s skipped a basketball game with the guys to whisk in and save Liz's cherry. How generous of you, Sam! He tells Liz that he saw Finn with Blondie and that Finn is a two-timing jerk. Liz’s reaction is a dry laugh and a “yeah, right, Sam”. Liz stupidly dismisses Sam as being jealous of Finn, and tells him to “pick a more believable bar next time. Finn would never take a girl to the neighbourhood Frankie’s is in”. I guess this is an example of SVU students’ snobbiness towards ‘townie’ bars.
Liz’s POV: Liz is enjoying her date with Finn in a classy Italian restaurant. She looks around trying to memorise every detail of Finn’s perfect face, the savor of every dish, the gooey eggplant (ew!), the unusual vinaigrette, even the ice cubes in the water glasses. Yes, it really lists all that. Maybe the ghostwriter has ambitions to be a food critic. Also, Liz is drinking red wine. STOP THE PRESSES!!! Elizabeth Wakefield is engaging in underage drinking? Don’t you remember what happened the last couple of times, Lizzie?
Finn orders cannoli for dessert, and for some reason this makes Liz think he’s ‘the one’. Finn dramatically tells Liz he thinks he’s falling in love with her and that he wants an exclusive relationship with her. She dreamily says the same thing back. He tells her he’s got to be alone with her now, then backtracks and says he’s sorry for pressuring her, and that if she’s still not ready, it’s okay. But then Liz looks into his caramel-coloured eyes and says that she’s very ready. Pfffft. Right.
Finn and Liz get into Finn’s car. Liz thinks about how she’s still semi-unsure of the sex (then why did you say you were ready?), but that she feels secure since Finn’s said he loves her and wants to be exclusive. Then Finn starts making out with Liz and slides his hand to the “edge of her panties”. Hehe, ‘panties’. It’s soon clear that the parking lot is what Finn meant by going somewhere where they could be ‘alone’. Finn, you dipshit. If the girl is hesitant to sleep with you, how is trying to get action in a dingy parking lot going to help your cause? Unsurprisingly, Liz is like “not here…not like this”. I mean really, all Liz prude jokes aside, who wants to lose their virginity in a parking lot? Finn apologises and drives them to his apartment to ‘watch old movies’.
When they get there, Finn conveniently can’t find his box of videotapes. So he and Liz make out on the couch. Liz tries to take her shoes off, but Finn tells her to ‘leave them on, they’re sexy’. Shoe fetish? Things get too close for comfort for Liz again, and just before she’s about to tell Finn to stop, a videotape pokes her in the butt and she presents it to Finn. So they start watching it and it distracts them for a while (it’s “High Noon”, in case anyone cares).
Finn soon starts trying to take Liz’s dress off again, but she pushes him away and ends up confessing she’s a virgin. Up until this point of the book, I’d had no idea that Finn didn’t know she was a virgin. Anyway, when she tells Finn, he creepily gives her “the biggest, sweetest smile she’d ever seen in her life”. Finn eats little virgins for breakfast! Seriously, this reaction is really gross. Especially when he follows it by not really listening to the rest of what Liz is saying (which is “I’m not sure if I’m ready, I want to take things slow”). Finn is all “sure, we can have sex as slowly as you like! Now follow me to the bed”. Liz gets teary and says she’s still scared to ‘go all the way’. Finn actually laughs and tells her that’s ‘so high school’. Um…DUMP HIM, LIZ. Elizabeth goes home crying and Finn says “I’ll call you”. What a successful night.
Sam’s POV: Sam is playing playstation with Bugsy and worrying about Liz. Just then, Liz bursts into the house looking upset and runs upstairs. Sam follows her to make sure she didn’t do it with Dr. Cool.
Liz’s POV: Liz feels stupid that she’s ‘so high school’. Oh Liz, cheer up. Finn is the one who’s so high school. Sam comes in and is like, “So, he confessed about Blondie, huh?” You’d think that at this point, after getting a glimpse of Finn’s true colours, Liz would realise Sam hadn’t made up that Finn was cheating. But she stupidly reasons that Sam’s just assuming Finn is ‘that kind of guy’ because Sam is ‘that kind of guy’. She thinks some other stuff too, like that Sam didn’t look like he was lying but that he must be, because everything was a game to him. What? She considers basically every explanation except that Sam is telling the truth. What an idiot. Liz kicks Sam out of her room.
Sam’s POV: Sam can’t sleep so he watches Jerry Springer on TV. Sam frets about Liz. Sam is aware somewhere deep down that he has feelings for Liz, but he doesn’t want to explore them because, I don’t know. He’s just too mysterious and deep to have a relationship, I guess. But watching J.S. gives him an idea - if he shows Liz what a jerk he can be to women, it’ll make her see that Finn is a jerk too! Um…or it’ll just make her think you’re a jerk, Sam. These characters need to spend more time actually going to their University classes, maybe then they won’t be so stupid.
Liz’s POV: Liz is coming out of a classroom. She spots Finn standing outside a different classroom and watches him for a while. Then a redhead comes up to him. She sees Finn write down something the redhead tells him on some paper (probably her phone number). Finn leaves and Liz runs after him… “She had to catch him…or some other girl would”. But she STILL DOESN”T BELIEVE SAM ABOUT THE CHEATING??? What a fucking idiot!
Sam’s POV: Sam is hanging with Anna Wilcox, a hot girl friend of his. They make a plan to teach Liz a lesson that night.
Liz’s POV: Liz runs into Finn and he’s happy to see her. He says he understands her feelings about her virginity and says that every first time, whether it’s sex or anything else, is scary. He suggests they both try a method called “projective anxiety”, where they both imagine and visualise the sex going really well. Then they pick a date, and as it gets closer to the date, all they’ll feel is anticipation and not fear. WHAT? This guy is insane, Liz, please dump him. Finn suggests this Saturday. Liz feels like that’s way too soon, and says besides, she, Jessica, Sam and Neil are having a party at theirs that Saturday night. Undeterred, Finn suggests that’s the perfect night, since she won’t want to spend the night there anyway as it’ll be all ‘smoky and gross’. For some ridiculous reason, Elizabeth agrees to do it this Saturday (even though she doesn’t want to). I’m not at all on Finn’s side, but you can kind of understand the guy’s frustration. Liz says about 500 times in this book that she’s gonna sex him, even though she doesn’t have any intention of going through with it.
Sam’s POV: He and Anna are watching a movie at home, ready for the plan to begin. When Elizabeth walks in, he and Anna kiss and make it look like they’ve been making out for a while. They act as if Elizabeth is interrupting them. Sam (on-purpose) introduces Anna as “Erin”. Anna is like “Um, it’s Anna”. Elizabet looks at them in disgust. Anna babbles for a while, making it look like she’s really into Sam. She also mentions she’s on the dean’s list, which is a smart move (letting Elizabeth know she’s not just a cotton-wool-for-brains idiot). Liz gives Sam dirty looks and goes upstairs.
Liz’s POV: The next morning, Liz is plagued by thoughts of what an asshole Sam is for taking advantage of poor Anna. Then she hears bedsprings creaking, laughter and a girl’s moans. Oh noes! They’re having the sex! Gross!
Anna and Sam come downstairs. Anna is all giggly and looking at Sam, but Sam practically ignores her, then makes out like he has to meet someone in twenty minutes, “so…”. He sends Anna home on the bus and says unconvincingly that he’ll call her. When Anna’s gone, Elizabeth calls Sam disgusting and revolting. It seems like his plot may have worked, because she thinks to herself How could any girl feel ready to make love for the first time when she sees how jerks like you can be? Sam is all “Girls like that aren’t going to be with you if all you want is sex. So a guy’s gotta put on a little show”. I guess this is supposed to wake Liz up to Finn’s ways, but it doesn’t. Also, this is so stereotypical. So all girls who might just want a physical relationship aren’t cool, pretty or smart? And all cool, pretty and smart girls want a serious relationship? I hate double standards.
The next Liz scene shows her and Nina going to the campus sexual health clinic to get some information on birth control. Nina babbles about how sexy Xavier is (see C-Plot). Liz confesses to Nina that no matter how in love and exclusive things are with Finn, she still doesn’t feel ready for the sex. Yawn. I’m getting sick of Liz’s ‘not ready for sex’ thoughts, I think I’ll just label them NRFS from now on.
At home, Liz has more NRFS thoughts and worries about birth control and AIDS. Liz calls Finn to get some reassurance, but he can’t talk because he has a ‘study group’ over. Liz hears female laughter. And a giggling female voice going, “Finn? Who’s that?” Of course, Liz still doesn’t get suspicious. *Head to wall* The display pic I'm using for this recap perfectly displays my reaction while reading most of this book.
Sam’s POV: It’s Saturday night and a party is raging at Sam/Liz/Jess/Neil’s. Sam catches sight of Liz and Finn holding hands and looking sickeningly deeply into each others eyes on the couch. Then Liz catches Sam’s eye and leads Finn upstairs.
Sam runs to interrupt the two. He ‘introduces’ himself to Finn and then brings up the Frankie’s/Blondie incident. Finn acts like he’s never heard of Frankie’s. Sam spots Todd walking past and drags him into the conversation, but Todd says that there are so many people coming in and out of Frankie’s, it’s hard to remember who was there and who wasn’t. Then! Todd does remember, and says he saw Finn playing around with a stethoscope and a hot blonde. Finn somehow manages to keep his cool and still deny it.
Liz's POV: Elizabeth has marbles for brains. She believes Finn and they leave to go to his place. Finn gives a big speech in the car about how much Elizabeth means to him, and she turns to mush. Her thoughts about being finally ready for sex are boring and embarrassing: It’s time. It’s time for the love of a man and a woman for each other to be made real. This is real. It’s me. Finn and me. Now. HOT! Maybe Liz has lost it, because she sees the stars twinkling outside when she makes out with Finn, and thinks ‘Hi, guys’. Yes, I’m sure the stars can hear you, Liz. Liz and Finn make out in Finn’s room. Finn once again makes Liz leave her shoes on. Liz giggles and thinks “kinky doctor”. I feel dirty transcribing this. We get six pages of babble about their making out, with hands running up legs and shirts being unbuttoned and stuff, but I’ll spare you most of it.
Liz angsts for another six pages about how it’s starting to feel weird, and realizes for the umpteenth time that she’s NRFS. She tells Finn and he becomes really scornful and asshole-ish and “I could have any girl I want”. Elizabeth is like, why don’t you call your little blonde from Frankie’s? And Finn picks up the phone and does just that. Finn calls Elizabeth a ‘little girl’ and says he’s going to be with a ‘real woman who knows how to treat a real man’ now. I think this ghostwriter’s watched too much film noir, who talks like this?
Liz feels sick and ashamed for having trusted Finn. How could she have been so wrong when the cannoli said he was 'the one'? Liz can't believe the cannoli lied to her. She leaves and calls home to talk to Jessica. By this time, Jess and Neil have left to go out dancing, so she reluctantly allows Sam to come get her. When Sam reaches her, we get this gem: “Even though Elizabeth didn’t manage a smile, Sam had never been so happy to see him”. Wow, she has a sex change in one sentence. Liz angsts to Sam about how he was right and she is stupid, and the book pretty much ends, abruptly, there. Um. Yeah.
The B-Plot (Chloe)
The B-Plot centres around Chloe, a new freshman at SVU. Probably no one cares about this, but I'll recap it anyway because I like to be thorough. Chloe wants to join the Thetas, which as we all know is the sorority on campus. Jessica is the social director (or something?) of the sorority. Chloe majorly looks up to Jess. Chloe has a best friend, Val, who is also pledging. Their first pledge task is to kiss a Sigma brother on the lips on command from a Theta sister. Mmm, mature.
In the SVU cafeteria, some Theta sisters choose a Sigma jock for Chloe to kiss. She kisses him, but unfortunately his Britney Spears-lookalike girlfriend is nearby and shouts at her and calls her a slut. Chloe is humiliated and stammers that she’s a pledge, then runs out of the caf. The Thetas make Chloe and Val do increasingly mean things, until they order them to insult a fat girl who is their friend. Because a big fat happy girl who is enjoying some ice cream must be punished (this is seriously almost exactly what the Thetas say). Both Chloe and Val refuse to do this and drop out of the pledge class. But then Jessica and Denise (the Theta president) come by later to their apartment and apologise, saying the Theta sisters who dared them to do this have been reprimanded. W00t, I guess. Chloe ends up going to the Jess/Liz/Sam/Neil party and meets a nice but nerdy guy called Martin. Chloe deems him not good enough because he’s a nerd, but decides she’ll date him for ‘practice’. What a stuck-up bitch.
The C-Plot (Nina)
Nina (nerdy friend of Elizabeth) actually gets out of the house for once and goes to see a band called ‘Wired’. The lead singer has a ‘vocal mix of Lenny Kravitz and Eddie Vedder’. Um, okay. Nina thinks he’s smokin’ hot. Her friend Francesca, who’s dating the band’s drummer, tells Nina that hot singer man’s name is Xavier. Xavier checks Nina out and they have a moment. Nina thinks about how she really should be studying chemistry, but that Xavier’s molecules are so much more interesting. Hee.
Francesca drags Nina backstage after the band has played. Nina and Xavier immediately sink into conversation. Nina jokes that she dances like Elaine from Seinfeld, which makes me like her a little. Blah blah blah, Nina thinks Xavier rocks, they have such a connection, etc. They kiss. Nina has to go but she gives Xavier her number and he says he’ll ‘definitely call’ her.
By the time of the talk with Liz at the doctors in the A-story, Xavier still hasn’t called. Nina goes out again with Francesca to see the band, and when they’re finished playing she’s all “Hey Xavier!” But he’s all “Oh…hey”. He slips off and Nina sees him working every girl in the room. We also get this kind of disturbing line: “Nina watched in disbelief as Xavier made his way through the flock of girls. His sweat was literally dripping as he spread his essence through the surging room”. What? It sounds like Xavier is impregnating everyone there. YUCK!
Francesca tells Nina not to worry, that the boys have to keep the groupies interested in the band or something. Then Xavier comes up to Nina later and is all “Hey! I totally like you”. So yeah.
Nina goes to the Liz/Jess/Sam/Neil party in a tight dress and knee-high boots and all the boys want to talk to her because she’s so hot now. I wonder if they’d like her more or less if she wore this? Nina briefly runs into Todd. Nina spends a lot of time trying to find Xavier but can’t. Then she does. They have sex in Liz’s bed.
The D-Plot (Todd)
Todd goes to the SVU administration office to drop three classes he thinks are bogus (Biology, Art History and Intro to Philosophy). It’s revealed he wants to lighten his load so he can spend more time working at Frankie’s, making money, being independent and saving up for a Harley Davidson. A Harley, Todd? Don’t these kids remember anything? Todd’s apparently sick of the ‘artificial bubble’ of SVU and hates how all the SVU students diss him for wanting to work and hanging at a ‘townie’ bar.
Todd runs into Neil (Jessica’s gay friend who also lives with Jess, Liz and Sam), and Neil invites him to a party the gang is having that Saturday night. Even though Todd thinks to himself that he doesn’t really want to see Sam, Liz or Jess, a party’s a party and he should go. Um, okay. I guess that in Sweet Valley, parties have some sort of gravitational pull and missing one is like missing the last supper.
Todd spends more and more time working at the bar and misses some classes. Yawn.
Todd goes to the party. All the SVU girls blabber on about their sororities and can’t understand why Todd works at Frankie’s. Poor, misunderstood Todd. Then he runs into Nina. Todd thinks she looks hot and they fall into conversation. He thinks that he’s glad to be talking to someone who won’t judge him as a townie. He brings up Frankie’s. Nina’s response: “That townie bar? You work there? Why?” Hahahaha. Todd shakes his head at Nina, thinks about how his real friends are at Frankies, and leaves.
That’s it. Now, can someone please explain to me what a townie is? I’ve looked it up on urbandictionary.com and I guess I get the gist of it. But this book makes out like it’s a huge word in America, and as I’m from Australia I want to get the entire scope of it so I can add it to my mental thesaurus. Thank you.