SVH 43: Hard Choices
I know this is said a lot around here, but this book was awful. It’s about Enid and her grandmother. Francine and her crack marketing team must have been on vacay the week day lunch break this was written, because I can’t imagine a book about a redhead and her elderly grandma was a hot seller. Oh, and the subplot is about Elizabeth making a documentary, because documentaries sure are popular with the kids.
When I got ready to read this one, I was a bit worried. The back cover says Enid’s grandmother comes to live with her but isn’t the sweet, docile, cookie-baking old lady she remembers. I was thinking maybe her grandma has dementia or Alzheimer’s… how was I going to fug a book about some poor teenager’s dying Nana?! My own grandma has dementia, so I know what it’s like to go through, and even my macabre sense of humor knows some boundaries. I needn’t have worried. Enid's grandma isn't sick. She's just a bitch.
We start out with the standard SVH disclaimer: even though Jess and Liz are identical twins, they have completely different personalities. As the fashionably late Jess drops Liz off at Enid’s, Liz reminds her to pick her up on time, and reflects that “it was a standing joke in their family that Elizabeth had been born on time- and Jessica four minutes late!” HAHAHA oh man, those Wakefields and their cutting edge wit!
At Enid’s, Liz helps ‘Nid move the contents of her bedroom to the attic, where she will be staying now that her Grandma is coming to stay. The book graciously points out that Enid’s mom is a single mom. Woah. It can happen to white people, folks. ‘Nid tells Liz all about how fab her grandmother is and how she just can’t wait for her to move in. We learn that Grandma used to live in Indiana (or somewhere else bucolic) until Enid’s grandfather died, and now she doesn’t want to live alone. Apparently Grandma Rollins didn’t get the memo clearly stating that the old and infirm don’t last in SVH past one book. You get better, get attractive, or get out. That’s actually the town slogan. It’s on their welcome sign.
Anyhoo, after the furniture moving, everyone meets up at the Dari Burger for some dairy, burgers, & camaraderie. Enid talks about how excited she is for her grandmother to arrive the next day. Someone mentions an upcoming documentary film fest sponsored by Susan Stewart’s dad, conveniently a director/producer. Liz muses that she could do a documentary… but on what? Enid suggests doing it on people whose grandparents come to live with them. Seriously Enid, shut up already! We get it, your grandmother is coming! BFD! This is not the Enid Rollins story hour! (mad props, Dwight Schrute)
Then the inevitable happens. Grandma Rollins arrives and she’s not all she’s cracked up to be. While Enid remembered her as fun loving, she’s frail, weak, and… old (shudders). ‘Nid ”never really thought of her gradmother as being old before.” What? Do you have problems understanding how time works? Grandma Rollins doesn't like the flowers Enid got her, complains about the trip, and is generally bitchy and whiney and just wants to take a nap. ‘Nid and Single Mom go in the kitchen to discuss their upcoming scheduling, which looks something like: Single Mom= out with boyfriend (a boyfriend named Dick, natch) Enid= home with Grandma. Grandma demands constant supervision and acts really helpless and put-upon if Enid or her mom ask for anything from her (such as cooperation, understanding, for her to hurry up and DIE already).
Later, the twins are hanging out on the beach with what appears to be the entire SVH student body. Liz muses on how great Sweet Valley is and how everyone there is perfect. Inspiration strikes! She’ll do her documentary on Sweet Valley! Conveniently, her boyf Jeffrey is an aspiring filmmaker, Lila has a video camera (pretty much her only role in this book- LAME) and Jessica is an aspiring documentary host. Or something. Liz asks Enid to help direct and Enid enthusiastically agrees.
Back at the Rollins Home for Redheads, Single Moms, and the Elderly, Dick comes over for dinner and to meet Grandma Rollins. Predictably, Grandma can’t stand him and is unnecessarily rude, creating mad awkwardness at the dinner table. Enid figures her grandmother must be right- maybe Dick isn’t such a nice guy after all. Then Enid’s boyfriend Hugh comes over and they go on a date but guess what? Nana doesn’t like him either. Hugh and ‘Nid make plans to go camping on a teacher-supervised camping trip (hot!) but Single Mom puts the kybosh on that. Nana told Enid’s mom that Hugh’s bad news, and going on a teacher supervised camping trip would be inappropriate. I concur- camping before marriage is depraved. Enid’s mom agrees and Enid has to tell Hugh she can’t go. Hugh is really disappointed and the two have a fight.
The next day, Liz, Jess, and Jeffrey start filming. Jessica is a natural in front of the camera (insert obvious sex-tape joke [here]) but ‘Nid doesn’t show up. Elizabeth is concerned. When she asks Enid about it later, ‘Nid tells her it’s because she had to grandma-sit since her mom was out. In reality, passive-aggressive Grandma acts all dejected if she’s left in the house alone and guilt trips Enid to stay with her. Elizabeth is concerned that Grandma is taking advantage of Enid’s kind (read: doormat) ways but Enid insists that it’s a necessary sacrifice and besides, she loves her grandma and wants her to feel welcome. At this point in the book, it’s a real struggle to have any sympathy for anyone so clueless and weak, but I’m doing my best.
Meanwhile, Single Mom is also feeling the strain. She keeps ditching her mom-watching responsibilities to hang out with Dick, and it’s causing tension with Enid, who has given up her social life to grandma-sit. Plus, Enid’s been pissed since her mom wouldn’t let her go camping. Single Mom muses that ”Enid had been keeping aloof. It had been three days now, and it was really starting to bother her.” But it doesn’t bother her enough to go home and give Enid the night off; instead she meets up with Dick who ”was going to expect an answer to his marriage proposal.”. Wait- what?! When did this happen?? (Don’t answer, I don’t actually care).
In English class the next day, Mr. Collins makes his obligatory appearance. Mr. Collins everyone!! [light applause]. Enid is lost in thought and doesn’t even hear the question when he calls on her. And she’s usually so studious! It’s because this thing with her grandma is weighing on her mind. There’s been all this tension since she arrived. It’s almost as if… grandma… is causing... the tension! Way to tumble to that a day late and dollar short, ‘Nid. She ends up bursting into tears in the lunch room and running to the ladies room. Elizabeth follows her and encourages Enid to open up about her problems. Enid confesses that her grandmother’s behavior is starting to bother her, but she feels guilty for blaming her own grandmother. Apparently old people shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions? Elizabeth tells Enid to stick up for herself and offers a friendly pat on the back, but at this point, even St. Liz is phoning it in.
Enid ignores Liz’s advice anyway, and cancels another date with Hugh to take her grandma to the drug store for some hairspray. She starts to feel mad at her grandmother for being ”picky, demanding, crotchety…” but then checks herself as a wave of shame washes over her. I feel a similar wave of shame, for reading this book. Ugh. I need a shower.
‘Nid flakes out on the documentary-team again, and Liz and Jeffrey end up editing it together themselves. They’re extremely pleased with themselves and plan a premier party at the Wakefields’ house the night of the film fest. Enid and Hugh make plans to go but guess what?! Yup. Grandma says no; she needs Enid to escort her to the senior center that night. Enid’s mom has to go on a date with Dick, who’s feeling dejected since she told him she needed more time to think over his proposal She forbids ‘Nid from going to the Premier party and makes her grandma-sit, AGAIN. After she leaves for her date with Dick, Enid and Hugh have another fight because she can’t go to the party with him. After Hugh storms off, Grandma steps over the line: she says Hugh wasn’t worth it. Enid will take a lot of shit, but apparently you don’t want to mess with her man. She goes batshit on Grandma and beats the old lady to death with a flower pot. JK. She actually just tells her grandma that she hates her, wishes she would go home, etc. etc. Grandma is like "”I never thought you could be so selfish, Enid." and Enid’s like "Selfish! What do you think I’ve been doing ever since you got here? I’ve been staying home and missing dates and breaking promises to my friends. And you haven’t once offered to let me go out instead of staying with you. Not once!" A sobbing Enid challenges her grandmother to tell her it’s okay for her to go on her date with Hugh, and in response, Grandma stomps up to her room. Enid tearfully runs out the door. Scene.
At the Premier party, Elizabeth is concerned when Enid comes in late. She invites Enid up to the front to help introduce the documentary to the party-goers with Jessica, Jeffrey and her, but Enid shakes her head and stays balled up in the corner. Suit yourself, platypus. They all watch the documentary on the big screen TV which Stephen (home from college JUST to see the documentary… he must go to the most boring college on Earth if this seemed like a fun weekend destination) rented just for the occasion. The book goes into detail scene by scene, but I’ll just give you the “highlights.”
"Instantly the huge screen lit up, and Jessica appeared almost life-sized. there was applause from the audience as her voice announced, ‘Welcome to Sweet Valley, California. My hometown!’ Then a series of images replaced her: pounding ocean waves, gulls circling above the beach, and the palm trees lining the road out to the mall. One by one, the faces of the students of Sweet Valley High [well, the important, attractive ones] flashed onto the screen. Neil Freemount hitting a tennis ball; the cheerleaders forming a pyramid…” and on it goes. Can’t you just hear the 1980’s musak? I can, and it’s brilliant.
After the movie, Liz gets to hear about Enid’s smack-down with her grandma. Enid decides to run back home and apologize. When she gets there, Grandma Rollins is making gingersnaps. She sits ‘Nid down at the table and apologizes for being such a bitch, and tells her that she’s decided to move back home to Iowa (or wherever) and try to make a life for herself with her old friends. They have a hug session, and then there’s a knock on the door. It’s Hugh! Also back to apologize. Enid forgives him and everyone sits down to milk and cookies. Mrs. Rollins gets home and Enid and her grandma explain what happened. All is well again in Sweet Valley- as I’m sure Jessica mentioned in the documentary’s conclusion, “Sweet Valley: get better, get attractive, or get out.”