Sweet Valley Twins #96 Elizabeth The Spy
By the time the Sweet Valley Twins books came out, I had moved to Christopher Pike and Anne of Green Gables so I’m not terribly familiar with this series, but according to my roommate, the librarian, that’s all she can find at work. Riiight. I bet she’s found dozens of SVH books and is hiding them, writing her own recaps!
Let me start off by saying that there are two things that I’m really afraid of. Little girls and clowns. Seriously. You laugh now, but have you ever seen The Shining or It?
God, I think I may have peed myself.
Okay, so, like most of these books the cover doesn’t match what happens in the story. In the book, the twins are on the floor during the robbery, Jess is wearing a pink sweater that is Elizabeth’s, and the clown (shudder!) puts the money in a blue bag, not a brown briefcase! And notice that the band on their socks match their shirts. Jess, I’m disappointed. I expect that from Liz, but not you! Okay, I can’t look at the cover anymore or I will lose my shit.
We open with the twins and their friends, eating ice cream at Casey’s. Awwww. I had an ice cream hang out when I was younger. Annapolis Ice Cream Company. Pretty creative title, huh? So, everyone’s stuffing their faces and Liz crushes on Joe Carrey, the waiter. I’m going to guess that he’s never been mentioned in previous books and won’t be mentioned again. Joe is a handsome (duh!) college guy who works at Casey’s part-time and tells brainteasers to the girls. Lila doesn’t know what a brainteaser is. Oh Lila! Apparently, Miss Fowler was in Switzerland when everyone else was learning about brainteasers. Is this story taking place during the summer? There’s a girl named Mandy Miller and I keep picturing Mandy Moore. Liz solves the brainteaser and I am getting tired of typing brainteaser. She accidently kicks Joe in the shin and he’s all, “Hey, no biggie!” He knows that the Wakefields are like Gods in Sweet Valley and are allowed to do whatever they want to whoever they want. The shin kick will be important later. Joe gets in trouble from Jeff Casey (the owner’s nephew) because he’s busy chatting it up with 12 year olds instead of doing his job. The girls think that Jeff is mean. I think this story is boring!
Later, Elizabeth is reading a new Amanda Howard mystery story. She is way too into the story and thinks how awesome the girl detective, Christine Davenport, is. Um, sorry, Liz, but she doesn’t have anything on my girl, Nancy. I wonder why Francine felt the need to make up her own girl detective. Jealous of my skillz, Pascal? Should be! The only reason I started reading those silly Babysitters Club books was because my mom said that one of the characters loved Nancy. Sorry for all of the randomness, but this book is really boring! Jess makes an appearance and now I know the story is going to pick up because she’s the fun twin! She needs pads and wants Liz to go with her to the pharmacy. They are both too embarrassed to go buy pads. Give me a break! It’s not like they’re buying stool softener. THAT is embarrassing and isn’t twelve a little early to having a period? So Jess puts on her sister’s sweater and they go get their sanitary napkins.
Pharmacy. Twins. Pads. Embarrassment. Boredom. They get in line to pay and Jess kicks a clown (eeek!) in the shin. Good girl!!! They get shoved to the floor while the clown, with a gun, yells at the clerk to put the money in his bag. Liz checks out the clown and makes mental notes about his appearance and dress and notices a big, yellow button on his suit. I look at the cover again and see that there is no button on the cover. And stop making me have to look at the cover, ghostie! Liz thinks that “she’d probably be seeing that clown costume in her dreams for the rest of her life.” Liz, I’ve seen into your future and you don’t think of that clown again, whereas, I will be forever traumatized by this book.
Now the twins are at the police station, talking about the robbery. They have to watch a security tape of the incident and Jessica thinks that it’s like being in a movie. Riiight. It’s not though, because she’s embarrassed again about having to buy the pads and being a klutz because she kicked the criminal. Jessica, get over it!!! It’s when you don’t get your period that you can freak out. Liz is not very forthcoming about what she witnessed and has a bad feeling. When trying to think about the robbery, Jess has to “concentrate to bring back that feeling of total terror.” Because she’s a sociopath.
Later, Liz is reading more about Na-, I mean Christine Davenport and I can tell why Liz likes this character so much. She’s just as nosey and saintly as Liz! The news is on the tv and the twins find out that Joe was arrested for the robbery. I forgot to mention earlier that in addition to working at Casey’s, Joe also dresses up as a clown for parties and shit. He was scheduled to perform at the Cute Little Kids Day Care the day he gets arrested. Wow, and I thought the Annapolis Ice Cream Company was lame name. I mean, it is Sweet Valley so the kids have to be cute or else they get shipped off to Big Mesa or Palisades with the rest of the uglies.
All the girls are once again at Casey’s, shocked that Joe was arrested. Jeff is waiting on them and he sucks. Liz is protesting Joe’s innocence. Jess says, “Criminals always try to act real nice so you’ll think they aren’t really criminals.” So is that why the twins are always falling for stalkers and rapists? Because they cover up their criminal-ness by being nice?! Liz thinks that the police can make mistakes. I think that Liz is aware how shitty the SVPD is. She vows to clear Joe of the crime. I vow to try to not fall asleep.
Liz and Jess are talking to Steven about Joe. Steven is eating a peanut butter and salami sandwich. I’ve never eaten salami, but that sounds disgusting! Liz is once again, trying to tell her siblings that Joe didn’t do it and Steven says, “But if the police arrested him-.“ Oh Steven, in a few years, you’re going to fall in love with Lila (like everyone should and does!) and she’s going to get arrested for arson and you’ll work hard to clear her name just as Liz is doing now to help Joe.
Liz is reading more Christinancy Davendrew and Christinancy is trying to contact the River City Police. *cough RIP OFF OF RIVER HEIGHTS cough* Liz tries to do the same and calls the SVPD, but gets no where. HA! She puts on a sweater and realizes that it’s the same sweater Jess was wearing the night of the robbery. Her initials are sewn on the sweater. EW! HAHAHA!
She’s hangs out at Casey’s with Old Mr. Casey, the owner and they are both sad about Joe. Then she goes to SVU and asks a student/librarian about Joe and finds out he was poor and used to run track. Is Joe’s real name Roger Barrett Patman?!!!
The next morning (I think), she bugs Steven with a brainteaser and then drags Jessica to visit Joe in jail with her. He is sad and doesn’t want to talk about his track scholarship with Liz. Liz decides that she should spy on Jeff Casey. I decide that I may need a nap or a stiff drink.
Elizabeth is kicking back at the ice cream shop waiting for Jeff to get off of work. Old Mr. Casey comes in and Jeff greets him as, “Uncle Martin.” Shout out! My middle name is Martin. Jeff leaves and Liz follows him. Nothing happens. She goes to the pharmacy and runs into Amy who is headed to Casey’s. I guess none of these girls are lactose intolerant! They eat ice cream together and Amy knocks ice cream on the floor. Liz goes to a broom closet to get a mop and finds that there are keys hanging from hooks in the closet and one set of keys is labeled Joe - Apartment. She steals the keys and grabs the mop. She asks Old Man Casey where Joe lives and he gives it up pretty easily. That’s kind of a jerk move there, Martin! I’d be pissed if my boss just told strangers where I lived.
Liz goes to Joe’s and finds overdue bills. We get it, he’s poor! She hears a noise so she hides in a closet. Two police officers enter the apartment and grab the overdue bills. While she’s in the closet she finds Tom McKay! Too easy? Okay, she really finds a prosthetic leg. She doesn’t know that’s what it is though. She just calls it a robot leg.
Joe’s trial starts and Lila calls Jess up to tell her that Joe is going to be found guilty. Jess is now feeling bad for Joe. Lila calls again and leaves a message for Jessica, that the police found the gun in Joe’s freezer. Liz hears it and is sad some more. More talk of brainteasers and Liz realizes that the robot leg was a prosthetic and goes back to SVU and finds out that Joe was on a motorcycle when a truck hit him and his left leg had to be removed from below the knee. Damn, Francine really hates motorcycles!
Liz puts it all together. It couldn’t have been Joe because when Jessica accidently kicked the clown in the left shin (which Joe doesn’t have), he screamed in pain. Steven brings up Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He should remember that later when his sisters get older and the get kidnapped or their boyfriends die or they get almost raped. Jess refuses to testify because she doesn’t want to get mad fun of for buying pads. And Steven is yammering about PTSD. Kid, your family is a lost cause!
Trial. I’m imaging the dun dun sound from Law & Order. Liz says that she was the one who kicked the clown and blah blah blah prosthetic leg. Joe shows the jury his robot leg and he’s found not guilty. I call Matt Groening and James L. Brooks because this storyline is a rip-off from the Simpsons episode, Krusty Gets Busted.
Martin announces that he’s going to retire and leave the store to Joe, after he’s done with college. Liz says that she liked being Nancy Drew and Jess says that she never wants to think about the robbery ever again. Oh sweetheart, you won’t! And the maxi pad company loved the publicity their product got from the security camera and now want Liz to be their spokesperson and do tv commercials. Whatever.
Amy wants Liz to figure out what’s going on in the old Sullivan mansion in #97, Too Scared To Sleep.
Are there clowns and little girls living in the mansion? That would make me too scared to sleep.