SVH #128: Kiss of a Killer
Previously on Sweet Valley High: Nothing happened. Seriously, nothing. This series didn't need the middle book at all. We're back exactly where we were at the beginning of #127, except with the addition of a dead chick.
I take issue with this cover. Jessica at no point in this book suffers a broken neck, and why is Jonathan the vampire wearing a cross necklace? And what are the Hardy Boys doing in the background there?
Vampire Villa. Liz awakens from a faint to find herself in Todd's arms. She sighs happily and thinks how comfortable she is there. Then we get this gem: "Although she and Todd had recently broken off their longtime relationship, Elizabeth wished she could stay in his arms forever, safe and warm." Hey, Liz, you wanna know why you two broke off your relationship? It's because you cheated on him. AGAIN. Way to make it seem as though it was a mutual decision.
Suddenly, she remembers why she fainted in the first place: Katrina Sutton is dead! Katrina Sutton, if you will remember, is Amy's cousin who showed up in the previous book only to be murdered by Jessica's new paramour at the party they're currently at. Liz, being St. Liz, gets up and starts giving her mouth-to-mouth. I bet Kirk Anderson or some other asshole is all, "Woohoo! Two chicks! Makin' out!" but we don't get to hear it.
Jessica storms downstairs, her makeout session with Jonathan interrupted by Amy's shrieks (because there was no music or singing or raised voices or any other loud noises at this party which might have disturbed her before that?). Her words die on her lips, however, when she sees Katrina's body on the floor. She and Lila hug Amy while Jonathan pronounces Katrina dead. He'd know.
The police show up and everyone leaves. Enid considers sticking around to help Jonathan clean up to make him love her (because that worked so well for Jessica when she tried it with Bruce Patman's mother that one time?) but Jonathan makes her leave. Jonathan is weirdly self-assured in this scene, by the way, considering that his saliva and fingerprints must be all over Katrina's face and arms and neck. And he comes across as an enormous dick. He thinks about how "naïve" and "fawning" all humans are except for Jessica, and how he usually makes it a rule to keep his distance from them. I'm not sure how enrolling in a high school achieves that, to be honest. If I were immortal and hated everyone, I'd run away to sea and have adventures.
Todd drives Liz home (but leaves Jessica at the party? They couldn't drag her into the BMW?). He considers "taking her back" (how noble of you, Todd. Maybe she's happy with Joey, you know?) and even kisses her on the wrist - but quickly changes his mind when he sees Joey's Land Rover parked outside Casa Wakefield. Liz and Joey make out for a while. She wonders where Jessica is but Joey tells her not to worry. Yes, why should Liz worry? Jessica's only all on her own while there's a serial killer on the loose.
Bungalow of Blood. Sweet Valley's finest interview Jonathan, who claims that his parents are in Germany. He offers them some wine to drink. "We take underage drinking very seriously around here," one of the officers says. I'm not so sure. When was the last time they raided Bruce's car? I'd bet good money that the paper cup dispenser is still functioning. Anyway, Jonathan promises to get his parents to call the police station, and the officers leave. What? I mean...what? Jonathan hosts a party which breaks a serious curfew and results in some girl dying...and he doesn't get any sort of reprimand? The Sweet Valley police suck. Did they even take down the names of the guests so that they can call them in for questioning?
Same Bat-time, same Bat-place. Jessica knocks on the front door. I'm not sure where she was supposed to have gone (given that she didn't go home with Liz), but okay. Jonathan answers and considers how he's a danger to her and others - but then lets her in anyway and they make out. Then, like Enid in the previous book, Jessica has an orgasm, which lasts over three pages. I won't quote it all (I don't want Francine Pascal to throw me into jail for copyright infringement, after all), but let's just say that I don't ever want to hear about Jessica's "hot whirlpool of sensations" ever again, thank you very much.
Then Jonathan turns into a magpie and flies Jessica to the beach, where she gazes into his eyes. Then he flies her back home. She doesn't find this strange at all, and continues to make out with her avian lover until she blacks out. I'm not making any of that up. I don't even know.
Casa Wakefield. At breakfast, Alice cries because there's a serial killer on the loose who might catch the girls. Aw. But Alice should realise that they've survived Crazy Margo, so a lameass vampire who's only been around for three books ought to be a piece of cake. Anyway, Ned and Alice, displeased that the girls broke curfew to go to Jonathan's party, ground them. For two weeks. And they ban Jessica from seeing Jonathan or going over to his house. But tell her that he can come round for dinner the following Sunday anyway. So near and yet so far, guys.
Ned and Alice tell Jessica that she can go shopping for some fancy food and a new dress for the dinner party on Sunday. But she's still totally grounded. Totally.
On Sunday night, Liz opens the door to Jonathan. Every time Liz thinks about him in this book, there's a mention of how much he creeps her out because of his "feverish blue eyes and pale white skin". Not because her best friend and her sister are suddenly obsessed with him or even because a girl died at his party. Jonathan is weird because he doesn't have a tan. Shun him, Sweet Valley! He's not one of you! Shuuuun! Jonathan asks to be invited in, because he's a vampire.
Skip to the actual dinner table. Jonathan doesn't eat (because he can't eat human food? Even though he's been drinking wine for the past two books?) and instead watches everyone else. Alice shares a "hilarious" story about a family she interior designed for, who wanted orange and green décor. Everyone has a hearty laugh. Happy days at Casa Wakefield! Jonathan the downer thinks about his own family and how they're all dead. He nearly tells Jessica that he's a vampire after supper when they're alone in her room (she cries all over him and tells him that she wants to be with him forever), but is thwarted by Ned Wakefield who kicks him out of the house. Here are two words I never thought I'd hear myself say: go, Ned.
The following day is Katrina Sutton's funeral. She's being buried in Sweet Valley (even though she's from San Francisco?) and the entire school shows up. Apparently the Oracle is planning on putting out a special issue dedicated to her. Dang. No mention of Amy's half-sister Ashley Sutton (introduced in SVT #83 Amy's Secret Sister), but that's not really a surprise. The continuity gremlin strikes again. Liz and Amy hug, though, which I think is a nice touch. Apparently "hundreds" of people show up to mourn the girl who'd only been in town two weeks. However, this is small potatoes when you remember how two thousand people showed up to Jessica's funeral. Also, Todd stares at Liz throughout the funeral and thinks about how hot she is, rather than sparing a thought for the dead girl. I love that being unaware of how to conduct himself at a funeral is actually consistent behaviour for him.
Enid hangs around after the funeral to tell Katrina's headstone all about her problems with Jonathan. She tells the dead girl (actual quote): "I can still remember the day I showed up at school with a hickey on my neck. It was so great!" Stay classy, Enid. I wish she'd changed her name in these books to something like Rayvyn or Siobhan. When I went through a goth phase as a teenager, I insisted on everyone spelling my name Mháiri - which in retrospect looks so incredibly fug that I can't read anything I put my name to back then without embarrassing the hell out of myself. Anyway, Enid feels that Katrina's life held a lesson for her (what lesson?), and she's sorry that she's dead.
Then Jonathan jumps out and eats her. Ha!
He stops before she's dead, though, and takes her to hospital on the back of his motorcycle. I seem to remember reading that Sweet Valley was right on the verge of being cancelled around this time so here is a proposal: not to offend any of Enid's fans (who are legion, I'm sure), but she should have died here to shake things up a bit. She doesn't do anything interesting for the rest of SVH, she drops out of the series entirely in Senior Year, and she basically becomes a completely different person in SVU. Just a thought!
Then there's a very quick scene which is actually pretty enjoyable. First, Amy cries and says that she and Katrina were going to be roommates together at SVU, which could retroactively explain why Amy is missing in the SVU series - she didn't want to go there without Katrina. Then she swears vengeance, saying that she'll spend the rest of her life hunting down the killer, which makes me laugh, because Amy Sutton as an undercover sniper is something I would pay to read. And then Jessica and Lila tell her that she's not alone and she can totally count on them, which is nice.
The following day, everyone is talking about the attack on Enid. Jessica and Lila feel bad, even though "the girl has no fashion sense or style whatsoever". Hee. In the cafeteria, a crowd is gathered around Bruce (as opposed to Liz or Olivia or Winston or any of Enid's actual friends?), who is throwing his weight around and demanding that they take action against the killer. Hey, Bruce.
Todd wonders if the guy who attacked Enid by drinking blood out of her neck was the same guy as the one who killed Katrina by drinking blood out of her neck. What a brain trust. In a speech which I'm not sure is supposed to be meta, irony, or a general cluelessness on the ghost-writer's part, Winston says: "It does seem unlikely that a town the size of Sweet Valley would have two deranged killers." I suppose Margo, Nora, John Marin, Nancy Swanson, Jeremy Randall, Donald Redman, and all the other sociopaths the twins have and will encounter aren't part of Winston's personal canon.
The following Saturday, Enid wakes up for a moment and says, "Jonathan," before falling back into her coma. Liz immediately assumes that this is hard evidence that he was responsible for the attack on Enid, and she and Maria decide to sneak into his house to do some sleuthing. Liz unsuccessfully tries to pick the lock on his front door, and then just shrugs and smashes a downstairs window with her flashlight. Hee. I love you sometimes, Liz.
Maria volunteers to keep watch outside in case Jonathan comes back unexpectedly while Liz snoops around. At first Liz can't find anything incriminating (although I don't know what she expected to find. A confession written in Enid's blood? A diary?"Dear Diary, Woke up early, brooded for an hour, stalked Jessica Wakefield, feasted on the blood of the innocent, brooded some more, forgot to buy milk. Squirrel for dinner!"). She accidentally knocks into some panelling which moves back to reveal a secret compartment, and I'm sorry, but am I suddenly reading a Nancy Drew novel? The compartment is full of vampire books (as in, books discussing vampire folklore. Jonathan isn't an Anne Rice fan). Liz grabs a few and scrams.
Back at Casa Wakefield, she kicks back in the den to read them. Apparently they are aimed at five-year-olds, supplying information like, "Most vampires have to sleep in their coffins during daylight hours." Liz connects a lot of this to Jonathan and decides that he must be a vampire. Wouldn't Liz already know the basic facts about vampires, if she'd ever read a vampire book or watched a vampire movie, or, you know, paid attention to popular culture at any point in her life? And why does Jonathan own books telling him how to recognise vampires anyway? Surely, being a vampire himself, he'd be pretty well-versed in their habits.
Liz knocks on her parents' door to tell them that Jessica sneaked out to see Jonathan (because Jessica being out with Jonathan when Liz thinks that he's a serial killer is fine, but Jessica being out with Jonathan when Liz thinks he's a vampire really changes things?). They call the police!
Jessica is on her date with Jonathan. He's taken her to a deserted cave hidden away on the beach. Run, Jessica. Instead she makes out with him. He starts telling her about how he grew up in Prussia (Jessica thinks he means Russia. No words) but is interrupted by the sound of someone moving around outside the cave. Jessica wonders if it's the murderer. Jonathan whispers in her ear: "I guarantee you, it's not the killer." Cree. Pee. Anyway, it's only the police. So much for your super-secret cave, Jonathan, if the police found it in two minutes flat. The police tell them to clear out because they've found blood samples matching the killer's victims in the cave. Jessica is suspicious: could Jonathan be involved with the murders? Yes, Jessica. Yes, he could.
Liz goes to see Olivia, who was taking photos at Jonathan's party. Apparently Jonathan isn't in any of them, and Liz knows from her book-learnin' that this is BONE-HARD MEDICAL PROOF that Jonathan is a vampire. She goes to Maria with this compelling evidence. Maria is unconvinced - until Liz does a quick google search and discovers that there was a guy called Jonathan Cayne who went to a high school in 1938. They quickly discover that he wasn't involved in any clubs or activities (why is this information online?) but he was still voted "most popular" in his graduating class. All is clear! Jonathan travels from town to town, enrolling in a different high school every year for the sole purpose of being crowned prom king each spring! Francine Pascal, you magician among writers!
Wait, that isn't clear at all.
Anyway, apparently a bunch of murders also happened at Jonathan's high school in 1938, with the victims killed by having the blood sucked out of them - which I admit is slightly more convincing than THERE ARE NO PHOTOS OF JONATHAN! or JONATHAN ASKED TO BE INVITED INTO LIZ'S HOUSE! It's still circumstantial, though. I don't know. I'm torn. While I am pleased that finally Liz and Maria have realised that Jonathan is a vampire, I am quickly losing respect for them for entertaining the notion that vampires are real.
They go to the police station and Liz tells the detective that Jonathan is a vampire. They are laughed out of the building. Ha! Once they leave, the police return to their important tasks of taking Harry Potter sorting hat tests on Quizilla, rather than interviewing any of the kids who were at Jonathan's party.
On Saturday evening, Liz and Maria find out that Jonathan has to be wearing a talisman to keep him safe from the sun's rays. It's that ring he's always wearing - the same one Jessica swore she'd make him give her back in the first book, remember? It's okay if you don't. They agree that this is the final evidence needed that proves that Jonathan is a vampire. How is it possible for them both to be so right and yet so stupid?
Wait, suddenly Jessica is running away to be with Jonathan? I just flicked back to see if I skipped over anything in their previous scenes. I didn't. This is just a crappy book. She steals some of Liz's clothes to pack in her suitcase. Mom-jeans and barrettes are what all the fashionable undead brides are wearing this year.
Big meeting at Bruce Patman's house! I'm not sure if everyone's breaking curfew to go. I don't care. The first suggestion comes from Bruce himself: they should get a "life-size doll" and leave it out for the killer to attack, and then catch him in the act. I think Bruce is the only person on earth who would suggest using sex dolls to fight vampires. And I love him for it. (So does Winston, who enthusiastically seconds the idea.) Amy just wants to run him over with her car: more practical but lacks imagination.
Liz and Maria step forward with their theory that Jonathan is a vampire. At first everyone laughs at them, but two pages later they are convinced that the guy whom they've been idolising for weeks is a ruthless monster. The students at Sweet Valley High are tremendously stupid. But we knew that already. Bruce riles everyone up into a mob and they prepare to storm Jonathan's house and burn it to the ground. A theory:
Bruce Patman =
It makes more sense than you'd like to admit, am I right?
Anyway, Liz watches in distress as everyone starts chanting, "Kill the killer!" and gathering up their pitchforks. Then Enid's mother calls her (how did she know that Liz was at Bruce's house?) and tells her that Enid has woken up - and named Jonathan as her saviour! Liz is appalled and wonders if she's misjudged Jonathan - but it's too late! The mob is off and won't listen to reason.
Domicile of the Damned. Jessica arrives and Jonathan shows her in. He says, referring to the portrait over the fire,"When he said he looked just like me, you didn't know how right you were. The man in that painting wanted a better life. For a taste of luxury and the clothes of a dandy, he paid dearly."Jessica: "You sound so sad. :(" This book is ridiculous. I'm beginning to suspect that a new ghost-writer was assigned this book, who decided to just mock all the characters and throw in fun stuff like mobs and guys turning into birds. Anyway, Jessica and Jonathan decide to run away together. I guess Jessica was just planning on moving into his house when she was packing earlier? I don't know.
Liz calls Joey for help and he's an asshole. They actually have a couple of conversations in this book, but this is the only one that's vaguely relevant as they break up for good this time. She turns round to see Trusty Ex-Boyfriend Todd, the only one of Bruce's cronies not to go dashing off to burn down Jonathan's house. They don't have time to make out, though, and instead race off to Jonathan's cave. I can't remember how Liz knows about it, but this is probably the most plot-hole riddled Sweet Valley book I've ever read anyway, so whatever.
Cave of suckitude. Jessica and Jonathan moon over each other. It would be pretty funny if Bruce showed up to kill Jonathan, and then Jonathan turned into a magpie and sent Bruce screaming into the night. This scene is mostly told from Jessica's pov, and it's kind of like she's on a drug trip - "her fears drifted away like dry flower petals on the breeze...she let herself sink deeper into the soothing spell of Jonathan's love", which I think pretty much confirms that she's been mesmerised. Jonathan says that he'll share his ring with her when either of them wants to go outside - corroborating Liz's theory that he uses it to walk around in the sunlight - but Jessica doesn't understand at all. Oh, man. She has no idea that he's vampire. I hate you, Jonathan.
Enter Liz and Todd! Jessica apparently has a "look of madness" on her face. To be fair, that's business as usual for her. Before the supercouple have time to say anything, though, along comes Bruce's mob, who actually seem to have got hold of some flaming torches. Hell, yes! Jonathan realises that they're here to kill him and sneers at them a bit, but decides to escape anyway. He doesn't want to take Jessica with him so he gives her his ring, turns into a magpie, and escapes before the mob gets there. I don't know if he's meant to be dead or has escaped to Cleveland or what, but the important thing is that he never shows up in the series again. Note that he's not caught by the authorities, so I guess the murders go officially unsolved (and the curfew is never lifted).
Liz and Todd make out. Nothing gets Liz hot like showing her sister up in public.
The twins lurk on the beach for no reason. Suddenly, the ring is gone from Jessica's hand! I guess Jonathan changed his mind about giving it to her. Final line of the book: "The area at the base of her finger where the ring had been was red and blistered...and as painful as her heart." Romantic moment or STD metaphor? Your call!
I take issue with this cover. Jessica at no point in this book suffers a broken neck, and why is Jonathan the vampire wearing a cross necklace? And what are the Hardy Boys doing in the background there?
Vampire Villa. Liz awakens from a faint to find herself in Todd's arms. She sighs happily and thinks how comfortable she is there. Then we get this gem: "Although she and Todd had recently broken off their longtime relationship, Elizabeth wished she could stay in his arms forever, safe and warm." Hey, Liz, you wanna know why you two broke off your relationship? It's because you cheated on him. AGAIN. Way to make it seem as though it was a mutual decision.
Suddenly, she remembers why she fainted in the first place: Katrina Sutton is dead! Katrina Sutton, if you will remember, is Amy's cousin who showed up in the previous book only to be murdered by Jessica's new paramour at the party they're currently at. Liz, being St. Liz, gets up and starts giving her mouth-to-mouth. I bet Kirk Anderson or some other asshole is all, "Woohoo! Two chicks! Makin' out!" but we don't get to hear it.
Jessica storms downstairs, her makeout session with Jonathan interrupted by Amy's shrieks (because there was no music or singing or raised voices or any other loud noises at this party which might have disturbed her before that?). Her words die on her lips, however, when she sees Katrina's body on the floor. She and Lila hug Amy while Jonathan pronounces Katrina dead. He'd know.
The police show up and everyone leaves. Enid considers sticking around to help Jonathan clean up to make him love her (because that worked so well for Jessica when she tried it with Bruce Patman's mother that one time?) but Jonathan makes her leave. Jonathan is weirdly self-assured in this scene, by the way, considering that his saliva and fingerprints must be all over Katrina's face and arms and neck. And he comes across as an enormous dick. He thinks about how "naïve" and "fawning" all humans are except for Jessica, and how he usually makes it a rule to keep his distance from them. I'm not sure how enrolling in a high school achieves that, to be honest. If I were immortal and hated everyone, I'd run away to sea and have adventures.
Todd drives Liz home (but leaves Jessica at the party? They couldn't drag her into the BMW?). He considers "taking her back" (how noble of you, Todd. Maybe she's happy with Joey, you know?) and even kisses her on the wrist - but quickly changes his mind when he sees Joey's Land Rover parked outside Casa Wakefield. Liz and Joey make out for a while. She wonders where Jessica is but Joey tells her not to worry. Yes, why should Liz worry? Jessica's only all on her own while there's a serial killer on the loose.
Bungalow of Blood. Sweet Valley's finest interview Jonathan, who claims that his parents are in Germany. He offers them some wine to drink. "We take underage drinking very seriously around here," one of the officers says. I'm not so sure. When was the last time they raided Bruce's car? I'd bet good money that the paper cup dispenser is still functioning. Anyway, Jonathan promises to get his parents to call the police station, and the officers leave. What? I mean...what? Jonathan hosts a party which breaks a serious curfew and results in some girl dying...and he doesn't get any sort of reprimand? The Sweet Valley police suck. Did they even take down the names of the guests so that they can call them in for questioning?
Same Bat-time, same Bat-place. Jessica knocks on the front door. I'm not sure where she was supposed to have gone (given that she didn't go home with Liz), but okay. Jonathan answers and considers how he's a danger to her and others - but then lets her in anyway and they make out. Then, like Enid in the previous book, Jessica has an orgasm, which lasts over three pages. I won't quote it all (I don't want Francine Pascal to throw me into jail for copyright infringement, after all), but let's just say that I don't ever want to hear about Jessica's "hot whirlpool of sensations" ever again, thank you very much.
Then Jonathan turns into a magpie and flies Jessica to the beach, where she gazes into his eyes. Then he flies her back home. She doesn't find this strange at all, and continues to make out with her avian lover until she blacks out. I'm not making any of that up. I don't even know.
Casa Wakefield. At breakfast, Alice cries because there's a serial killer on the loose who might catch the girls. Aw. But Alice should realise that they've survived Crazy Margo, so a lameass vampire who's only been around for three books ought to be a piece of cake. Anyway, Ned and Alice, displeased that the girls broke curfew to go to Jonathan's party, ground them. For two weeks. And they ban Jessica from seeing Jonathan or going over to his house. But tell her that he can come round for dinner the following Sunday anyway. So near and yet so far, guys.
Ned and Alice tell Jessica that she can go shopping for some fancy food and a new dress for the dinner party on Sunday. But she's still totally grounded. Totally.
On Sunday night, Liz opens the door to Jonathan. Every time Liz thinks about him in this book, there's a mention of how much he creeps her out because of his "feverish blue eyes and pale white skin". Not because her best friend and her sister are suddenly obsessed with him or even because a girl died at his party. Jonathan is weird because he doesn't have a tan. Shun him, Sweet Valley! He's not one of you! Shuuuun! Jonathan asks to be invited in, because he's a vampire.
Skip to the actual dinner table. Jonathan doesn't eat (because he can't eat human food? Even though he's been drinking wine for the past two books?) and instead watches everyone else. Alice shares a "hilarious" story about a family she interior designed for, who wanted orange and green décor. Everyone has a hearty laugh. Happy days at Casa Wakefield! Jonathan the downer thinks about his own family and how they're all dead. He nearly tells Jessica that he's a vampire after supper when they're alone in her room (she cries all over him and tells him that she wants to be with him forever), but is thwarted by Ned Wakefield who kicks him out of the house. Here are two words I never thought I'd hear myself say: go, Ned.
The following day is Katrina Sutton's funeral. She's being buried in Sweet Valley (even though she's from San Francisco?) and the entire school shows up. Apparently the Oracle is planning on putting out a special issue dedicated to her. Dang. No mention of Amy's half-sister Ashley Sutton (introduced in SVT #83 Amy's Secret Sister), but that's not really a surprise. The continuity gremlin strikes again. Liz and Amy hug, though, which I think is a nice touch. Apparently "hundreds" of people show up to mourn the girl who'd only been in town two weeks. However, this is small potatoes when you remember how two thousand people showed up to Jessica's funeral. Also, Todd stares at Liz throughout the funeral and thinks about how hot she is, rather than sparing a thought for the dead girl. I love that being unaware of how to conduct himself at a funeral is actually consistent behaviour for him.
Enid hangs around after the funeral to tell Katrina's headstone all about her problems with Jonathan. She tells the dead girl (actual quote): "I can still remember the day I showed up at school with a hickey on my neck. It was so great!" Stay classy, Enid. I wish she'd changed her name in these books to something like Rayvyn or Siobhan. When I went through a goth phase as a teenager, I insisted on everyone spelling my name Mháiri - which in retrospect looks so incredibly fug that I can't read anything I put my name to back then without embarrassing the hell out of myself. Anyway, Enid feels that Katrina's life held a lesson for her (what lesson?), and she's sorry that she's dead.
Then Jonathan jumps out and eats her. Ha!
He stops before she's dead, though, and takes her to hospital on the back of his motorcycle. I seem to remember reading that Sweet Valley was right on the verge of being cancelled around this time so here is a proposal: not to offend any of Enid's fans (who are legion, I'm sure), but she should have died here to shake things up a bit. She doesn't do anything interesting for the rest of SVH, she drops out of the series entirely in Senior Year, and she basically becomes a completely different person in SVU. Just a thought!
Then there's a very quick scene which is actually pretty enjoyable. First, Amy cries and says that she and Katrina were going to be roommates together at SVU, which could retroactively explain why Amy is missing in the SVU series - she didn't want to go there without Katrina. Then she swears vengeance, saying that she'll spend the rest of her life hunting down the killer, which makes me laugh, because Amy Sutton as an undercover sniper is something I would pay to read. And then Jessica and Lila tell her that she's not alone and she can totally count on them, which is nice.
The following day, everyone is talking about the attack on Enid. Jessica and Lila feel bad, even though "the girl has no fashion sense or style whatsoever". Hee. In the cafeteria, a crowd is gathered around Bruce (as opposed to Liz or Olivia or Winston or any of Enid's actual friends?), who is throwing his weight around and demanding that they take action against the killer. Hey, Bruce.
Todd wonders if the guy who attacked Enid by drinking blood out of her neck was the same guy as the one who killed Katrina by drinking blood out of her neck. What a brain trust. In a speech which I'm not sure is supposed to be meta, irony, or a general cluelessness on the ghost-writer's part, Winston says: "It does seem unlikely that a town the size of Sweet Valley would have two deranged killers." I suppose Margo, Nora, John Marin, Nancy Swanson, Jeremy Randall, Donald Redman, and all the other sociopaths the twins have and will encounter aren't part of Winston's personal canon.
The following Saturday, Enid wakes up for a moment and says, "Jonathan," before falling back into her coma. Liz immediately assumes that this is hard evidence that he was responsible for the attack on Enid, and she and Maria decide to sneak into his house to do some sleuthing. Liz unsuccessfully tries to pick the lock on his front door, and then just shrugs and smashes a downstairs window with her flashlight. Hee. I love you sometimes, Liz.
Maria volunteers to keep watch outside in case Jonathan comes back unexpectedly while Liz snoops around. At first Liz can't find anything incriminating (although I don't know what she expected to find. A confession written in Enid's blood? A diary?"Dear Diary, Woke up early, brooded for an hour, stalked Jessica Wakefield, feasted on the blood of the innocent, brooded some more, forgot to buy milk. Squirrel for dinner!"). She accidentally knocks into some panelling which moves back to reveal a secret compartment, and I'm sorry, but am I suddenly reading a Nancy Drew novel? The compartment is full of vampire books (as in, books discussing vampire folklore. Jonathan isn't an Anne Rice fan). Liz grabs a few and scrams.
Back at Casa Wakefield, she kicks back in the den to read them. Apparently they are aimed at five-year-olds, supplying information like, "Most vampires have to sleep in their coffins during daylight hours." Liz connects a lot of this to Jonathan and decides that he must be a vampire. Wouldn't Liz already know the basic facts about vampires, if she'd ever read a vampire book or watched a vampire movie, or, you know, paid attention to popular culture at any point in her life? And why does Jonathan own books telling him how to recognise vampires anyway? Surely, being a vampire himself, he'd be pretty well-versed in their habits.
Liz knocks on her parents' door to tell them that Jessica sneaked out to see Jonathan (because Jessica being out with Jonathan when Liz thinks that he's a serial killer is fine, but Jessica being out with Jonathan when Liz thinks he's a vampire really changes things?). They call the police!
Jessica is on her date with Jonathan. He's taken her to a deserted cave hidden away on the beach. Run, Jessica. Instead she makes out with him. He starts telling her about how he grew up in Prussia (Jessica thinks he means Russia. No words) but is interrupted by the sound of someone moving around outside the cave. Jessica wonders if it's the murderer. Jonathan whispers in her ear: "I guarantee you, it's not the killer." Cree. Pee. Anyway, it's only the police. So much for your super-secret cave, Jonathan, if the police found it in two minutes flat. The police tell them to clear out because they've found blood samples matching the killer's victims in the cave. Jessica is suspicious: could Jonathan be involved with the murders? Yes, Jessica. Yes, he could.
Liz goes to see Olivia, who was taking photos at Jonathan's party. Apparently Jonathan isn't in any of them, and Liz knows from her book-learnin' that this is BONE-HARD MEDICAL PROOF that Jonathan is a vampire. She goes to Maria with this compelling evidence. Maria is unconvinced - until Liz does a quick google search and discovers that there was a guy called Jonathan Cayne who went to a high school in 1938. They quickly discover that he wasn't involved in any clubs or activities (why is this information online?) but he was still voted "most popular" in his graduating class. All is clear! Jonathan travels from town to town, enrolling in a different high school every year for the sole purpose of being crowned prom king each spring! Francine Pascal, you magician among writers!
Wait, that isn't clear at all.
Anyway, apparently a bunch of murders also happened at Jonathan's high school in 1938, with the victims killed by having the blood sucked out of them - which I admit is slightly more convincing than THERE ARE NO PHOTOS OF JONATHAN! or JONATHAN ASKED TO BE INVITED INTO LIZ'S HOUSE! It's still circumstantial, though. I don't know. I'm torn. While I am pleased that finally Liz and Maria have realised that Jonathan is a vampire, I am quickly losing respect for them for entertaining the notion that vampires are real.
They go to the police station and Liz tells the detective that Jonathan is a vampire. They are laughed out of the building. Ha! Once they leave, the police return to their important tasks of taking Harry Potter sorting hat tests on Quizilla, rather than interviewing any of the kids who were at Jonathan's party.
On Saturday evening, Liz and Maria find out that Jonathan has to be wearing a talisman to keep him safe from the sun's rays. It's that ring he's always wearing - the same one Jessica swore she'd make him give her back in the first book, remember? It's okay if you don't. They agree that this is the final evidence needed that proves that Jonathan is a vampire. How is it possible for them both to be so right and yet so stupid?
Wait, suddenly Jessica is running away to be with Jonathan? I just flicked back to see if I skipped over anything in their previous scenes. I didn't. This is just a crappy book. She steals some of Liz's clothes to pack in her suitcase. Mom-jeans and barrettes are what all the fashionable undead brides are wearing this year.
Big meeting at Bruce Patman's house! I'm not sure if everyone's breaking curfew to go. I don't care. The first suggestion comes from Bruce himself: they should get a "life-size doll" and leave it out for the killer to attack, and then catch him in the act. I think Bruce is the only person on earth who would suggest using sex dolls to fight vampires. And I love him for it. (So does Winston, who enthusiastically seconds the idea.) Amy just wants to run him over with her car: more practical but lacks imagination.
Liz and Maria step forward with their theory that Jonathan is a vampire. At first everyone laughs at them, but two pages later they are convinced that the guy whom they've been idolising for weeks is a ruthless monster. The students at Sweet Valley High are tremendously stupid. But we knew that already. Bruce riles everyone up into a mob and they prepare to storm Jonathan's house and burn it to the ground. A theory:
Bruce Patman =
It makes more sense than you'd like to admit, am I right?
Anyway, Liz watches in distress as everyone starts chanting, "Kill the killer!" and gathering up their pitchforks. Then Enid's mother calls her (how did she know that Liz was at Bruce's house?) and tells her that Enid has woken up - and named Jonathan as her saviour! Liz is appalled and wonders if she's misjudged Jonathan - but it's too late! The mob is off and won't listen to reason.
Domicile of the Damned. Jessica arrives and Jonathan shows her in. He says, referring to the portrait over the fire,"When he said he looked just like me, you didn't know how right you were. The man in that painting wanted a better life. For a taste of luxury and the clothes of a dandy, he paid dearly."Jessica: "You sound so sad. :(" This book is ridiculous. I'm beginning to suspect that a new ghost-writer was assigned this book, who decided to just mock all the characters and throw in fun stuff like mobs and guys turning into birds. Anyway, Jessica and Jonathan decide to run away together. I guess Jessica was just planning on moving into his house when she was packing earlier? I don't know.
Liz calls Joey for help and he's an asshole. They actually have a couple of conversations in this book, but this is the only one that's vaguely relevant as they break up for good this time. She turns round to see Trusty Ex-Boyfriend Todd, the only one of Bruce's cronies not to go dashing off to burn down Jonathan's house. They don't have time to make out, though, and instead race off to Jonathan's cave. I can't remember how Liz knows about it, but this is probably the most plot-hole riddled Sweet Valley book I've ever read anyway, so whatever.
Cave of suckitude. Jessica and Jonathan moon over each other. It would be pretty funny if Bruce showed up to kill Jonathan, and then Jonathan turned into a magpie and sent Bruce screaming into the night. This scene is mostly told from Jessica's pov, and it's kind of like she's on a drug trip - "her fears drifted away like dry flower petals on the breeze...she let herself sink deeper into the soothing spell of Jonathan's love", which I think pretty much confirms that she's been mesmerised. Jonathan says that he'll share his ring with her when either of them wants to go outside - corroborating Liz's theory that he uses it to walk around in the sunlight - but Jessica doesn't understand at all. Oh, man. She has no idea that he's vampire. I hate you, Jonathan.
Enter Liz and Todd! Jessica apparently has a "look of madness" on her face. To be fair, that's business as usual for her. Before the supercouple have time to say anything, though, along comes Bruce's mob, who actually seem to have got hold of some flaming torches. Hell, yes! Jonathan realises that they're here to kill him and sneers at them a bit, but decides to escape anyway. He doesn't want to take Jessica with him so he gives her his ring, turns into a magpie, and escapes before the mob gets there. I don't know if he's meant to be dead or has escaped to Cleveland or what, but the important thing is that he never shows up in the series again. Note that he's not caught by the authorities, so I guess the murders go officially unsolved (and the curfew is never lifted).
Liz and Todd make out. Nothing gets Liz hot like showing her sister up in public.
The twins lurk on the beach for no reason. Suddenly, the ring is gone from Jessica's hand! I guess Jonathan changed his mind about giving it to her. Final line of the book: "The area at the base of her finger where the ring had been was red and blistered...and as painful as her heart." Romantic moment or STD metaphor? Your call!