Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill
Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill. For some reason I couldn't find any Sweet Valley HIGH books at my public library, only Twin books, but I was in a hurry. The Twins books are pretty boring compared to the high school ones. But no less mock-worthy!!
The book starts off on the day of New Year's Eve, at the mall, preparing for Lila's dance party later that night. Jessica is coveting a purple-and-gold makeup bag; apparently it has a million pockets, and not only that, but they are PADDED!!! Elizabeth wants to go to the book store to get information about rocks and minerals, since she has a collection. Jessica thinks about how collecting rocks and minerals is the most pointless hobby ever, and how Elizabeth doesn't understand the importance of PADDED POCKETS, and has no fashion sense, and is dumb for wearing a stone pendant necklace that she thinks is super lame. Unlike purple-and-gold makeup bags with PADDED POCKETS, which are so classy and fashionable.
Blah blah blah exposition, twin girls who couldn't be more different!, blonde hair and blue green eyes!, dimples on the same cheek!, Jessica is sophisticated and mature!, Elizabeth is serious and studious!, et cetera.
Elizabeth decides she'd like to buy the bag too-- not for makeup, obviously, but for, wait for it, her rock collection. For when she's carrying it around. Okay, so I wouldn't judge someone for having a rock collection, but who the fuck would carry it around with them? And if she's going to be that huge of a dork, why not just go all out, embrace the geekiness and get a fanny pack while she's at it?
Jessica is pissed, because if both of them get the bag, her "friends" in the Unicorn Club (a clique consisting of the most popular and revered bitches girls in school) will basically disown her. Obviously this is all Elizabeth's fault, because Elizabeth is intent on ruining her life. Jessica reacts in a mature fashion: slamming the bag onto the counter and storming off, refusing to explain herself.
Not that it matters, because the bag is $39.95, so Elizabeth's not going to buy it anyway. Neither would I. Not only does that thing sound tacky as all hell, but I paid less than that for my kickass purse, which is really more of a bag, and this is 2007, not 1998. Geez.
Next we cut to Steven somewhere else in the mall. He and his buddy Joe Howell are looking at tvs. One of them is playing an episode of The Phyllis Hartley Show, which sounds like Ricki Lake/Jenny Jones/whatever, if Steven's babbling is any indication. Joe thinks Steven is an idiot. I don't disagree. Steven guiltily thinks about how he's been overdosing on television during winter break. But apparently there is nothing else to do, because basketball practice is over and he's "on the outs" with his girlfriend, Cathy. Start getting used to heartbreak, kid. You haven't even met Tricia Martin yet! Anyway, Joe gets fed up and ditches his ass to go to Casey's for ice cream.
The twins bump into Eric Weinberg, a "good-looking dark haired boy" and newcomer to Sweet Valley. I fight the urge to scream, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN" at the page. He recognizes them, and they both literally fall all over themselves vying for his attention. He says he is there with his older sister, Patty, and is planning on going to Casey's. The twins push each other around some more and Jessica ends up inviting him to Lila's party.
Then Eric recognizes the rock around Elizabeth's neck as agate, and she practically orgasms on the spot. It seems that he's as big a rock geek as she is. They walk off together, much to Jessica's aggravation. Elizabeth is actually kind of bitchy and dismissive. Haha, suck on it, Jessica!!
Joe is sitting at Casey's. He's finished his sundae, and he decides to eat the one he ordered for Steven, too, because it's melting. He looks up and sees Patty Weinberg walk in and sit down with her brother. Of course, Joe jumps to the conclusion that Eric must be her boyfriend, even though he's a twelve-year-old and Patty is a freshman in high school. Joe's an idiot too. He decides that Patty is a hotass and worth getting to know. Well, keep shoveling down the ice cream and I doubt the feelings will be mutual, tubby.
He eavesdrops and realizes that they're brother and sister. He walks over and introduces himself, then recommends the hot fudge. He would know. For a second he considers asking her out, but decides that would be too forward. You think? They finish the conversation a little awkwardly, though for Patty's credit, she doesn't stare at him like he's a freak, the way I might've.
Steven shows up and gushes on about the stupid talk show. Joe tells him he bets Steven couldn't give up tv for the rest of vacation, and Steven bets that Joe couldn't give up ice cream. And then he sees Patty at the next booth, and promptly asks if she wants to come over and watch Phyllis Hartley with him sometime. Without even getting out of his seat. And she does a little "hmm"ing, but agrees. Seriously.
Steven comes home, throws open the door and yells "I'm home!". If it were my mother she'd probably be pissed at me for yelling, but Mrs. Wakefield doesn't mind. He fantasizes about Patty coming over and watching a romantic program like Shark Attack!, curling up against his shoulder, kissing-- but only during commercials. I'm not making this up.
The girls aren't so lucky to escape Mrs. Wakefield's wrath, because after screaming at each other over Eric, she interrupts their catfight to inform them that they, along with Steven, had been invited to go skiing over spring break with relatives, but due to their immaturity and bickering, she isn't letting them go unless they straighten up. Wait, hold up! Consequences for behavior? Actual responsible parenting? THIS IS NOT THE SWEET VALLEY I REMEMBER!
Eventually they convince their mother that they'll stop fighting completely for a week as their New Year's Resolution. At dinner, Steven tells Mrs. Wakefield she should've stuck to her guns. Really he's annoyed because the twins are going to cock-block him if they tag along to the ski resort. His mom tells him she's been noticing how much television he's been watching lately; he's defensive at first, but he agrees to give it up for a week. And then five minutes later acts like he is going through heroin withdrawal.
Steven tries to bait Jessica and Elizabeth into an argument over Eric, but they pretend to be getting along perfectly, all the while both making bitchy internal comments about each other.
Lila's party. Jessica is hanging out with Janet, the "queen bee" of the Unicorn Club. She's also a fucking bitch. Elizabeth is talking with Eric, but then Janet sets her sights on him and whisks him away. I don't understand how Janet is the "most popular girl in school" if she's such a horrible human being-- but actually, that is very middle school, from what I remember. But she's kind of a loser for being in eighth grade and pursuing a sixth grader. Janet dances with Eric, and Jessica and Elizabeth are pissed.
Janet and Lila razz Elizabeth about her rock collection, and then Janet orders Jessica to tell Elizabeth off or face the possibility of being kicked out of the precious Unicorn Club-- to everyone's surprise, Jessica sticks up for Elizabeth. Not because she wants to actually defend her sister, but because she wants to avoid fighting and be able to go on vacation. Everyone wonders why Jessica isn't acting like herself, ie, totally bitchy.
They explain the New Year's resolution they've made, and then everyone decides to make resolutions of their own. Lila suggests making a game of it; anyone who breaks their resolution has to wear a cloth diaper over their pants to Janet's party. That's actually pretty lame. Amy Sutton vows to not be tardy for a week, Janet gives up sweets, and Lila says that she's perfect and can't improve, but Amy makes her promise to give up bragging. Steven and Joe join the game: no television and no going to Casey's, respectively.
The next day Elizabeth buys a hideous blouse and asks Jessica what she thinks about it. Jessica thinks it is the dweebiest thing she's ever seen. It's described as "green and yellow with large brown buttons, and looked like something a pioneer woman would have worn. If her other three shirts were all in the wash." Ha. Jessica pretends to like it so they won't fight.
Joe is at home, pretending to read but really listening to his sister Janet's phone conversation with Lila. Janet is talking about her amazing willpower and blah blah blah. She notices him eavesdropping (what is his DEAL) and hangs up. He's all stammering demurely, like, "Oh, can I, uh, use the phone, like, if you're done?". And then he attempts to call Patty to ask her out, but hangs up on the third ring. Man, what a pussy.
The Wakefields are finishing up dinner. The parents announce they'll be chaperoning Janet and Joe's party. Steven is the only one who seems to find this remotely embarrassing. It is times like these when I am glad my parents were either never around, or didn't care what I was doing. There is something to be said for having absentee parents. Thanks, Mom!!
Steve is trying to get the twins to argue again; he set it up so there is only one cupcake for dessert. However, instead of arguing, the twins decide to split it, and are commended for their maturity by their parents. Steve is all, Curses! Foiled again!
Amy makes spreadsheets with everyone's resolutions and a column called "KILL" to mark for when someone breaks a resolution. Basically everyone wants to eliminate Janet first. Because she's a bitch and no one actually likes her. Except she's the most popular girl in school. Middle school social politics are so fucked up.
Lila is at the Unicorn table, trying to tempt Janet with cake. Janet hesitates but turns her down, then tells Lila she shouldn't eat chocolate if she doesn't want to get fat. Lila is like, "bitch, please, I am made of awesome," and thus is the first to get "zapped" and has to wear diapers to the party.
Janet manipulates the other girls and gets two more eliminated, and Steven is plotting to get the twins to fight, but keeps failing. Somehow they end up on the phone together and scheme to eliminate the twins-- in exchange, Steven will set Janet up with Eric Weinberg. Steven takes Elizabeth to the rock and mineral show at the mall, and Janet takes the Unicorns, and they make it seem like Jessica wanted them to come just to mock her sister. However, the twins can tell something is up, and so again, the "foolproof plan" is foiled.
Janet demands Steven take them all to Casey's, so they head on over there. Elizabeth flips out because Jessica orders a chocolate chip shake, which is what she'd been planning on getting. Yeah, I don't get it either. She calls Jessica over to a corner and starts to chew her out.
Joe is checking the answering machine and realizes that Janet accidentally recorded the conversation with Steven. He's pissed and decides to go warn the twins-- he finds them at Casey's and lets them in on what's going on, but consequently gets eliminated since he has stepped into the ice cream place.
The twins set up Steven in revenge by pretending to have just watched an action movie VHS tape borrowed from a friend. They talk it up loudly, knowing he's listening, and then say they're going to bed. Steven sneaks the tape and goes to watch it. Obviously the twins bust him. Everyone is really stupid in this book about breaking their resolutions. Like, hello, the scheming is far from subtle! Whatever.
The next day, the twins help Janet set up for the party at her house. She informs them that she called Eric and he is going as her date. He arrives, and there's a lot of eyelash fluttering and her flirting like a thirty-year-old. The twins seethe in silence. Eric brings some chocolate chip cookies for Janet, and coerces her into eating one, basically saying that if she doesn't she's boring and lame and not worth his time. So she eats it, miserably, and the twins and her brother Joe both cheer, and Eric is confused.
Turns out that Joe had called Eric and told him that the way to Janet's heart was through cookies, and the tell-tale sign of her interest in a guy was whether or not she would eat sweets he'd made. Because clearly she hadn't shown she was interested by ASKING HIM OUT.
As they get ready for the party, the twins discover that neither of them have the diapers. Elizabeth says Steven said Jessica was supposed to do it, and Jessica says Steven told her Elizabeth was bringing them. Because they are idiots, they don't catch on and blow up at each other. Steven of course busts them.
The Wakefields drive the twins and Steven to the party. They all confess that they haven't exactly kept their resolutions, all because they've been sabotaging each other. The parents say that clearly they can't be trusted to go to the ski resort without supervision... which is great, since they're going to tag along too! Everyone wins! GROUP HUG! (Seriously.)
At the party, Steven promptly goes back to watching tv. Well, nice to see he's taken this opportunity to grow as a person! Joe and Patty end up together. There's some arguing over who won the game-- Janet thinks she won it because she had the most "kills," and Lila thinks she won it since she was eliminated first and got to sit back and watch everyone else humiliate each other. I'm on Lila's side here. She's the only one who didn't come out of this looking like a total idiot.
Elizabeth and Jessica apologize to each other. There's a weird part where Elizabeth says, "I can be mean and nasty to anybody else, even Steven, and it doesn't bother me," but continues that it hurts to be mean to Jessica since they are sisters and best friends. This seems a) uncharacteristic for Elizabeth The Doormat, and b) also fucked up because if anyone deserves to be bitched at, it's Jessica The Resident Sociopath.
Eric approaches Jessica and she asks if he wants to dance. He says sure, and tells her he already danced with Jessica--wait, no Elizabeth!-- he can't keep them straight, ha ha ha. As he whirls her through the room, Jessica thinks about how everything is now back to normal! And she's so happy! And no one even had to wear diapers!!
So basically this book was totally pointless. The end.
The book starts off on the day of New Year's Eve, at the mall, preparing for Lila's dance party later that night. Jessica is coveting a purple-and-gold makeup bag; apparently it has a million pockets, and not only that, but they are PADDED!!! Elizabeth wants to go to the book store to get information about rocks and minerals, since she has a collection. Jessica thinks about how collecting rocks and minerals is the most pointless hobby ever, and how Elizabeth doesn't understand the importance of PADDED POCKETS, and has no fashion sense, and is dumb for wearing a stone pendant necklace that she thinks is super lame. Unlike purple-and-gold makeup bags with PADDED POCKETS, which are so classy and fashionable.
Blah blah blah exposition, twin girls who couldn't be more different!, blonde hair and blue green eyes!, dimples on the same cheek!, Jessica is sophisticated and mature!, Elizabeth is serious and studious!, et cetera.
Elizabeth decides she'd like to buy the bag too-- not for makeup, obviously, but for, wait for it, her rock collection. For when she's carrying it around. Okay, so I wouldn't judge someone for having a rock collection, but who the fuck would carry it around with them? And if she's going to be that huge of a dork, why not just go all out, embrace the geekiness and get a fanny pack while she's at it?
Jessica is pissed, because if both of them get the bag, her "friends" in the Unicorn Club (a clique consisting of the most popular and revered bitches girls in school) will basically disown her. Obviously this is all Elizabeth's fault, because Elizabeth is intent on ruining her life. Jessica reacts in a mature fashion: slamming the bag onto the counter and storming off, refusing to explain herself.
Not that it matters, because the bag is $39.95, so Elizabeth's not going to buy it anyway. Neither would I. Not only does that thing sound tacky as all hell, but I paid less than that for my kickass purse, which is really more of a bag, and this is 2007, not 1998. Geez.
Next we cut to Steven somewhere else in the mall. He and his buddy Joe Howell are looking at tvs. One of them is playing an episode of The Phyllis Hartley Show, which sounds like Ricki Lake/Jenny Jones/whatever, if Steven's babbling is any indication. Joe thinks Steven is an idiot. I don't disagree. Steven guiltily thinks about how he's been overdosing on television during winter break. But apparently there is nothing else to do, because basketball practice is over and he's "on the outs" with his girlfriend, Cathy. Start getting used to heartbreak, kid. You haven't even met Tricia Martin yet! Anyway, Joe gets fed up and ditches his ass to go to Casey's for ice cream.
The twins bump into Eric Weinberg, a "good-looking dark haired boy" and newcomer to Sweet Valley. I fight the urge to scream, "RUN WHILE YOU CAN" at the page. He recognizes them, and they both literally fall all over themselves vying for his attention. He says he is there with his older sister, Patty, and is planning on going to Casey's. The twins push each other around some more and Jessica ends up inviting him to Lila's party.
Then Eric recognizes the rock around Elizabeth's neck as agate, and she practically orgasms on the spot. It seems that he's as big a rock geek as she is. They walk off together, much to Jessica's aggravation. Elizabeth is actually kind of bitchy and dismissive. Haha, suck on it, Jessica!!
Joe is sitting at Casey's. He's finished his sundae, and he decides to eat the one he ordered for Steven, too, because it's melting. He looks up and sees Patty Weinberg walk in and sit down with her brother. Of course, Joe jumps to the conclusion that Eric must be her boyfriend, even though he's a twelve-year-old and Patty is a freshman in high school. Joe's an idiot too. He decides that Patty is a hotass and worth getting to know. Well, keep shoveling down the ice cream and I doubt the feelings will be mutual, tubby.
He eavesdrops and realizes that they're brother and sister. He walks over and introduces himself, then recommends the hot fudge. He would know. For a second he considers asking her out, but decides that would be too forward. You think? They finish the conversation a little awkwardly, though for Patty's credit, she doesn't stare at him like he's a freak, the way I might've.
Steven shows up and gushes on about the stupid talk show. Joe tells him he bets Steven couldn't give up tv for the rest of vacation, and Steven bets that Joe couldn't give up ice cream. And then he sees Patty at the next booth, and promptly asks if she wants to come over and watch Phyllis Hartley with him sometime. Without even getting out of his seat. And she does a little "hmm"ing, but agrees. Seriously.
Steven comes home, throws open the door and yells "I'm home!". If it were my mother she'd probably be pissed at me for yelling, but Mrs. Wakefield doesn't mind. He fantasizes about Patty coming over and watching a romantic program like Shark Attack!, curling up against his shoulder, kissing-- but only during commercials. I'm not making this up.
The girls aren't so lucky to escape Mrs. Wakefield's wrath, because after screaming at each other over Eric, she interrupts their catfight to inform them that they, along with Steven, had been invited to go skiing over spring break with relatives, but due to their immaturity and bickering, she isn't letting them go unless they straighten up. Wait, hold up! Consequences for behavior? Actual responsible parenting? THIS IS NOT THE SWEET VALLEY I REMEMBER!
Eventually they convince their mother that they'll stop fighting completely for a week as their New Year's Resolution. At dinner, Steven tells Mrs. Wakefield she should've stuck to her guns. Really he's annoyed because the twins are going to cock-block him if they tag along to the ski resort. His mom tells him she's been noticing how much television he's been watching lately; he's defensive at first, but he agrees to give it up for a week. And then five minutes later acts like he is going through heroin withdrawal.
Steven tries to bait Jessica and Elizabeth into an argument over Eric, but they pretend to be getting along perfectly, all the while both making bitchy internal comments about each other.
Lila's party. Jessica is hanging out with Janet, the "queen bee" of the Unicorn Club. She's also a fucking bitch. Elizabeth is talking with Eric, but then Janet sets her sights on him and whisks him away. I don't understand how Janet is the "most popular girl in school" if she's such a horrible human being-- but actually, that is very middle school, from what I remember. But she's kind of a loser for being in eighth grade and pursuing a sixth grader. Janet dances with Eric, and Jessica and Elizabeth are pissed.
Janet and Lila razz Elizabeth about her rock collection, and then Janet orders Jessica to tell Elizabeth off or face the possibility of being kicked out of the precious Unicorn Club-- to everyone's surprise, Jessica sticks up for Elizabeth. Not because she wants to actually defend her sister, but because she wants to avoid fighting and be able to go on vacation. Everyone wonders why Jessica isn't acting like herself, ie, totally bitchy.
They explain the New Year's resolution they've made, and then everyone decides to make resolutions of their own. Lila suggests making a game of it; anyone who breaks their resolution has to wear a cloth diaper over their pants to Janet's party. That's actually pretty lame. Amy Sutton vows to not be tardy for a week, Janet gives up sweets, and Lila says that she's perfect and can't improve, but Amy makes her promise to give up bragging. Steven and Joe join the game: no television and no going to Casey's, respectively.
The next day Elizabeth buys a hideous blouse and asks Jessica what she thinks about it. Jessica thinks it is the dweebiest thing she's ever seen. It's described as "green and yellow with large brown buttons, and looked like something a pioneer woman would have worn. If her other three shirts were all in the wash." Ha. Jessica pretends to like it so they won't fight.
Joe is at home, pretending to read but really listening to his sister Janet's phone conversation with Lila. Janet is talking about her amazing willpower and blah blah blah. She notices him eavesdropping (what is his DEAL) and hangs up. He's all stammering demurely, like, "Oh, can I, uh, use the phone, like, if you're done?". And then he attempts to call Patty to ask her out, but hangs up on the third ring. Man, what a pussy.
The Wakefields are finishing up dinner. The parents announce they'll be chaperoning Janet and Joe's party. Steven is the only one who seems to find this remotely embarrassing. It is times like these when I am glad my parents were either never around, or didn't care what I was doing. There is something to be said for having absentee parents. Thanks, Mom!!
Steve is trying to get the twins to argue again; he set it up so there is only one cupcake for dessert. However, instead of arguing, the twins decide to split it, and are commended for their maturity by their parents. Steve is all, Curses! Foiled again!
Amy makes spreadsheets with everyone's resolutions and a column called "KILL" to mark for when someone breaks a resolution. Basically everyone wants to eliminate Janet first. Because she's a bitch and no one actually likes her. Except she's the most popular girl in school. Middle school social politics are so fucked up.
Lila is at the Unicorn table, trying to tempt Janet with cake. Janet hesitates but turns her down, then tells Lila she shouldn't eat chocolate if she doesn't want to get fat. Lila is like, "bitch, please, I am made of awesome," and thus is the first to get "zapped" and has to wear diapers to the party.
Janet manipulates the other girls and gets two more eliminated, and Steven is plotting to get the twins to fight, but keeps failing. Somehow they end up on the phone together and scheme to eliminate the twins-- in exchange, Steven will set Janet up with Eric Weinberg. Steven takes Elizabeth to the rock and mineral show at the mall, and Janet takes the Unicorns, and they make it seem like Jessica wanted them to come just to mock her sister. However, the twins can tell something is up, and so again, the "foolproof plan" is foiled.
Janet demands Steven take them all to Casey's, so they head on over there. Elizabeth flips out because Jessica orders a chocolate chip shake, which is what she'd been planning on getting. Yeah, I don't get it either. She calls Jessica over to a corner and starts to chew her out.
Joe is checking the answering machine and realizes that Janet accidentally recorded the conversation with Steven. He's pissed and decides to go warn the twins-- he finds them at Casey's and lets them in on what's going on, but consequently gets eliminated since he has stepped into the ice cream place.
The twins set up Steven in revenge by pretending to have just watched an action movie VHS tape borrowed from a friend. They talk it up loudly, knowing he's listening, and then say they're going to bed. Steven sneaks the tape and goes to watch it. Obviously the twins bust him. Everyone is really stupid in this book about breaking their resolutions. Like, hello, the scheming is far from subtle! Whatever.
The next day, the twins help Janet set up for the party at her house. She informs them that she called Eric and he is going as her date. He arrives, and there's a lot of eyelash fluttering and her flirting like a thirty-year-old. The twins seethe in silence. Eric brings some chocolate chip cookies for Janet, and coerces her into eating one, basically saying that if she doesn't she's boring and lame and not worth his time. So she eats it, miserably, and the twins and her brother Joe both cheer, and Eric is confused.
Turns out that Joe had called Eric and told him that the way to Janet's heart was through cookies, and the tell-tale sign of her interest in a guy was whether or not she would eat sweets he'd made. Because clearly she hadn't shown she was interested by ASKING HIM OUT.
As they get ready for the party, the twins discover that neither of them have the diapers. Elizabeth says Steven said Jessica was supposed to do it, and Jessica says Steven told her Elizabeth was bringing them. Because they are idiots, they don't catch on and blow up at each other. Steven of course busts them.
The Wakefields drive the twins and Steven to the party. They all confess that they haven't exactly kept their resolutions, all because they've been sabotaging each other. The parents say that clearly they can't be trusted to go to the ski resort without supervision... which is great, since they're going to tag along too! Everyone wins! GROUP HUG! (Seriously.)
At the party, Steven promptly goes back to watching tv. Well, nice to see he's taken this opportunity to grow as a person! Joe and Patty end up together. There's some arguing over who won the game-- Janet thinks she won it because she had the most "kills," and Lila thinks she won it since she was eliminated first and got to sit back and watch everyone else humiliate each other. I'm on Lila's side here. She's the only one who didn't come out of this looking like a total idiot.
Elizabeth and Jessica apologize to each other. There's a weird part where Elizabeth says, "I can be mean and nasty to anybody else, even Steven, and it doesn't bother me," but continues that it hurts to be mean to Jessica since they are sisters and best friends. This seems a) uncharacteristic for Elizabeth The Doormat, and b) also fucked up because if anyone deserves to be bitched at, it's Jessica The Resident Sociopath.
Eric approaches Jessica and she asks if he wants to dance. He says sure, and tells her he already danced with Jessica--wait, no Elizabeth!-- he can't keep them straight, ha ha ha. As he whirls her through the room, Jessica thinks about how everything is now back to normal! And she's so happy! And no one even had to wear diapers!!
So basically this book was totally pointless. The end.