Sweet Valley Twin #117 Down With Queen Janet!
This is my first LJ post, so be gentle! I love this community and after months of lurking finally decided to contribute.
I was so thrilled by the title of this book. I’ve always wanted to know more about Janet, so my curiosity was piqued to have a book that ostensibly focused on her. What kind of warped brain holds both a fascination with unicorns and views Sweet Valley Middle School as a pogrom under her personal control? Someday I’m sure there will be a tribunal in which Janet will be forced to account for her crimes, which include but are not limited to: making Jess and Liz dress differently, forcing a group of girls to wear purple clothing day in and out and making fun of Aaron Dallas' hat hair. Dude!
On the cover, Janet is all “If you mention this shirt looks like it’s from Land’s End, I’m gonna cut a bitch.” She’s rocking a Rachel haircut and since the book was published in 1998, she’s au courant, although she appears far older than 14. There is a flag flying full mast in the background, so even though I know there will be much drama within, I am assured that Janet and the Unicorns will emerge from their ordeal relatively unscathed.
We open with Janet preparing for an 8th grade graduation speech. Apparently there was an open slot in the ceremony, so someone decided to throw Janet a bone and let her make a speech on the topic of her choice. Janet gets overwhelmed with her numerous duties and appoints Jessica to be her personal assistant and speech writer. I would choose Jess to be a lot of things, because when she’s not being a sociopath I think she’s 137 kinds of awesome, but I wouldn’t choose her to be a speech writer. She’s only semi-literate in the Twins books. Janet’s super stressed because not only is she set to deliver the Speech of No Purpose, her parents have given her carte blanche to have the most ultimate party EVAH.
Janet complains and moans about the party details and tries to make Jessica do as much as possible. She’s all twisted up and angsty because underneath her Leona Helmsley exterior, she’s nervous about starting high school and wants to be popular. For some reason, Janet interprets the best party EVAH as some kind of BBQ, complete with corn cobs, crumb cake and cactus lights. I have to admit, that’s kind of disappointing to me. I expected a Masquerade Ball or something more elegant. After all, she is Lila Fowler’s cousin. I guess licking sauce off your fingers around the pool is the height of eighth grade sophistication. Maybe that’s why you never hear about Janet in the SVH books. She sufficiently shamed herself with the Howell Hoedown to be a persona non grata at Lila’s parties and Fowler family functions. I’m from Oklahoma so trust me, I know. BBQ and classy are two ships passing in the night. Maybe Janet comes from some weird redneck offshoot of the Fowler family.
Janet and Jess are in the cafeteria discussing Unicorn/speech/party minutiae when the Sweet Valley Twins series sacrificial lamb, Lois Waller -- she of the slightly overweight figure and unfashionable clothing -- enters stage left, and promptly gets spaghetti all over Janet. Janet has an amygdala hijack and screeches at Lois that she is a fat, clumsy whale. St. Liz and her nerdy friends get all defensive and tell Janet to cool it. Liz’s attempt at peacemaking just makes Janet flip out more. She lashes out at everyone in striking distance, suggesting that Sophia Rizzo bathe (to wash off the taint of ethnicity and poverty?) and that Liz writes boring newspaper articles. Oh Noes!!!11! Jess feels bad, but like a good minion doesn’t want the rage directed at her, so instead chooses to silently bear Liz’s disappointed looks and say nothing. Oh Jess. Et tu?
Liz goes to comfort Lois with a concentrated dose of sanctimony. While at her house, Liz discovers that Janet and Lois used to be close friends until Janet suddenly dropped Lois when she started middle school. Has Janet ever had friends her own age? Does anyone else find it odd that ‘the most popular girl in school’ hangs around with younger kids, is obsessed with wearing clothing of a single color and has catered BBQ parties? Anyway, now St. Liz has all the information she needs to go into supermeddle mode. Appalled that Janet could be so cruel to a former friend, she decides that it’s high time someone stood up to Queen Janet. The only way to do that that is throw a rival party to Janet’s--On the same night!
It Is So ON!!
Of course, being Liz, she just up and decides that the party needs to be at Lois’s house, as she was the one humiliated by Janet in the lunchroom. Liz is going to show Janet that some people don’t mind associating with a slightly overweight girl who does not live up to her appearance potential. Who the fuck suggests having a party at someone else’s house? Why doesn’t Liz have the Tolerance party at her own damn Spanish tiled house?
Several more instances occur of Janet lashing out at various B level characters in horrible and rude ways, uninviting them to her party, while Jess stands off to the side feeling awkward and hoping that Janet gets over it soon. Liz simultaneously polishes her halo and tries to get the nerds and disenfranchised to get excited about the Fat Girl’s party. When Janet hears about the party, she’s all, “HAHA Fat Girl Whales eat Plankton! Who will want to go to a plankton party?” (I bet Todd would.) Everyone is like, “Yeah Liz, we get it, Janet’s a complete bitch, but Lois is fat. I’m getting me some BBQ.”
(An interesting detail: Apparently Sweet Valley has at least two party supply stores on the same street. In my next life, I’m going to open a party supply store in Sweet Valley and make a mint. I’ll stock only purple and jungle decorations.)
Janet is in the middle of ripping some minor characters a new pair of assholes (Jess actually thinks to herself “Run!” when she sees the kids approaching) when a line in the book reveals that Francine must have stopped fact checking the books later in the series.
Jessica shifted nervously from one foot to the other. She glanced at her watch. “Actually Cammi, it’s five after-“
Oh Jamie Suzanne. You are just phoning it in. Jess never wears a wristwatch. Why don’t you just throw a pair of barrettes on her and call her Jizz?
Janet sends out monogrammed invites to her BBQ. She is so odd.
There is a lot of pissing and moaning about which party will be attended. Apparently, the Sweet Valley kids think with one symbiotic brain. Liz continues to get people to come to her latest pity project party. No one bites. Awesomely, Jess (still on team Janet) calls Liz out on her shit. I love it when Jess is the smart twin. She so has Liz’s number.
“…you’re so wrapped up in doing what you think it right that you don’t see having this party isn’t the answer. It’s not going to make Lois feel any better, “Jessica argued. “It’ll make you feel better. You can do this huge sacrifice for Lois and get all high and mighty about it. But when no one shows up to Lois’s party, she’ll be just as miserable as she was before! Even more!”
Liz issues Jess an ultimatum-come and hang out with Liz and Lois or stick with Janet. Jess continues with her awesomeness and tells Liz to get over herself, it’s just a party. Cripes. Liz briefly wonders is she is using Lois for halo points, then immediately dismisses the notion. Tralalala.
The night of the parties, Liz and Lois are sitting in Lois’s bedroom hoping against hope that someone, anyone, will show up to their party instead of Janet’s. ‘Cause you know what’s fun? A Proving a Social Point Party. Janet, meanwhile, it sitting in her empty house, surrounded by buckets of chicken and chili pepper lights wondering where in the name of Lucifer's unholy demons everyone is. Slowly, a couple of kids start trickling into Lois’s house. Before long, the party is ‘hopping.’ Steven and Janet’s brother Joe tell Janet that they want to get to Lois’s soon or they won’t be able to fit in the door. For reals? Lois Waller, who up until this chapter, was such a social pariah that she didn’t even warrant friendship from Liz (and no I don’t count being set on the Pedestal of Pity to be friendship) is suddenly having such an awesome party that older kids are packing her house? I call shenanigans.
Finally Jess, the most loyal (boot licking?) of the Unicorns, arrives at Janet’s house and awkwardly tells her that she just showed up to tell her that she’s not coming to her party after all and has chosen to go to Lois’s to ‘support Liz’. I don’t think that she gives two hoots about Liz, she just want to be with the boys and the idea of comforting rageaholic Janet over cold BBQ is freaking her out. Of course, Lois’s party is a hit. It’s packed with kids, everyone is having a great time, and Lois even scores an outfit compliment from Lila. Treasure it always, Lois! Lois, because she’s overweight AND noble, realizes that she can’t have a truly great time unless Janet is happy too. She still treasures their childhood friendship, even if Janet decided to wrap it up in a plastic bag and chuck it in a dumpster like a piece of shit. She slips out of the party and heads to Janet’s house (no one notices she is gone because even though the party is at her house, it was never about her). Lois tells her off for being rude and Janet grudgingly acquiesces to go with Lois to the party. No mention of the fate of the buckets of chicken.
Finally, the speech. Janet delivers a speech she wrote herself on the value of Friendship. AWWWWW. It was so sweet it made Jess’s eyes tear up. Apparently Janet’s lesson learned about friendship applied to appreciating all the help Jess gave her over the past week, not the cruel way she ditched her first best friend and turned her into the constant victim of her UniCronies, and then that friend forgave all to save her from social suicide. Fail Janet. A quick segue into the next book and scene.
No one apologizes to Lois for the constant humiliation and degradation and as she is never mentioned as being part of any group ever again, I can only assume she moved away to Wisconsin, developed a raging eating disorder and cries herself to sleep every night with the memory of the one beautiful night when she hosted a Sweet Valley party. I can’t remember Janet ever being mentioned again, so I assume Papa Fowler wrote her out of the will and she’s off somewhere with her KFC and porcelain Unicorn collection plotting the death and destruction of us all.
Thanks for reading!