SVH Super Edition: Jessica Takes Manhattan
Well, after whining on in the comments the other week about North London charity shops being SVH-free zones, in my local one today I picked up not one, but two SVH books. What's more, they were 20p each, which makes me think that the dude who runs the shop read them and priced them according to their literary value. So, mystery donator of Highbury Fields, I thank ye kindly.
Ugh. We open at Casa Wakefield, where Liz is up in the attic hunting out Alice’s designer luggage for Jessica, who is whining about the amount of time being taken over said retrieval. Liz asks why she is the one hunting out the luggage when it is Miss Jessica who is off on a freebie to New York with Lila. The entire 1bruce1 community brandishes doormats in answer. Liz then grumbles that she should be researching construction fraud for an article. Jess is outraged - apparently SVH is closed for a week after an earthquake (another one?!) caused the poorly constructed roof to cave in, and Jessica CANNOT BELIEVE that Liz would waste a vacation from school to dork out over the Oracle. Jessica should really read some Sweet Valley High sometime. Anyway, this acts as a lead in for the usual blue-green eyes, silken blonde hair guff, although I note that the twins now have “slim, athletic” figures instead of the “perfect size six” of yore. Then it’s onto those personalities that couldn’t be more different, in a paragraph where Liz’s longtime boyfriend Todd is described as being “boring as toast”. Heh.
Jessica and Lila are off to stay with Mr Fowler in New York, at the Plaza Hotel, no less! Hence needing the designer luggage, which Liz has found and which Jessica then makes her polish. Why couldn’t Liz have stayed the way she was in Dear Sister?
Cut to Miss Lila Fowler, who is on the phone to her long-distance boyfriend, Bo (aka Beauregard Creighton the Third) and trying to convince him to come to New York as well. Bo refuses on the grounds of having a history project to get on with. Lila is all “FINE. No, really, it’s FINE. I understand that I have to find someone who actually CARES about me” and vows to find another man by the end of the week. Before crying over how Bo is the one she really loves. Meanwhile, Bo is rubbing his hands together with glee and fans himself with his plane ticket, as he has a cunning plan to surprise Lila in New York and doorstep her with a dozen red roses. There wasn’t a history project at all! Ah, Bo, you evil genius. “It’s going to be a week to remember,” he whispers. With a sentence like that I would normally expect him to turn out to be a serial killer or obsessive sort, but that would never happen in a Sweet Valley book.
Jessica is dancing round her room to her new Ryder Mitchell CD. I bet you a tenner that “Ryder” is not his real name. She runs down a list of outfits she’s packed - such as a Chinese print dress and blue tights, and a black satin skirt and silver top. These clothes sound almost normal! Boo. Jessica wishes she could bring back a whole new wardrobe, but is broke. Luckily, her entire family are idiots and are silly enough to give her $300 between them. Jessica squees to Liz about how much she loves Ryder Mitchell, of new CD fame; and then says she thinks she’s in for a romance. But of course!
A mysterious man is at LAX wearing dark glasses and an itchy fake beard. Brilliant Disguise, as he will be known till we find out his identity, wishes he could chill on the beach instead of attending “duties” in New York. “Millions of guys would love to trade places with you,” says the older man with him. Can any 1bruce1 readers possibly guess who Brilliant Disguise really is?
Lila has overslept! Oh noes! When Jessica rings her from the airport she doesn’t seem that bothered and tells Jess to get on the flight and Lila will meet her at the hotel. In first class, Jess is grossed out by Brilliant Disguise who is sat next to her. “Jessica hadn’t expected anyone this strange. ‘I didn’t know they allowed such weirdos in first class’she grumbled.” At least he’s not fat Jess! Brilliant Disguise tries to make conversation, so she puts her Ryder Mitchell CD on her ‘portable disk player’ (how quaint!) and tries to ignore him. He asks her what she’s listening to and gives ‘a strange smile’ to her response. You know, Brilliant Disguise’s real identity is a total mystery. In the bathroom he laments being ignored by Jess, before coming to the conclusion that it is probably for the best, and resolves not to speak to her again.
Jessica is awakened from a dream about being dragged on stage at a Ryder Mitchell concert (just how many Bruce Springsteen references can we get into one recap, I wonder?) by some major turbulence. It turns out to be a mechanical fault, and the plane has to make an emergency landing in New Orleans. Jessica deals with this in a typically squealy manner and ends up being soothed by Brilliant Disguise, who then guffs on for ages about her beauty and silken hair and ocean eyes. Shut up, BD. Eventually they land safely, and they hug, slightly dislodging Brilliant Disguise’s moustache and beard. Jessica yanks it off and - ZOMG! It’s Ryder Mitchell! I think a lie down is necessary to get over the shock.
Lila arrives in New York in a strop because of some sickening newlyweds who were sat behind her on the plane and one of her bags has been sent to Florida by mistake. Ha. When she gets to the Plaza, a gang of paps are there and they start taking photos. After giving them a head toss and regal wave, a doorman bows to her before she is welcomed by the awesomely named William James von Huffland, general manager. Mr von H calls her Princess and leads her up to the VIP suite, saying all her bags have been taken care of and they are deeply honoured by her presence. Lila thinks that being called ‘Princess’ constantly is condescending, but deigns not to make an issue about it. Because there’s clearly nothing wrong here at all.
Bo rocks up at the Plaza and sees Lila in the lobby, for some reason surrounded by henchmen and a photographer. He bounds up to her to surprise her only to find himself being collared by a heavy. Lila screams to the guards to get him away from her and stamps off. Bo is left wondering why Lila seemed so frightened of him and why she wouldn’t look at him. I can’t work out the mystery either! Oh yeah, we also learn that Lila has been seeing Bo since the previous summer vacation, which I believe leads us to the question as to why she was going home with John in the first place. Nice continuity as ever.
Lila faffs about in the suite, and vaguely wonders where Jessica is. She calls the clerk to find out if Jess has checked in, and is told nobody of that name’s registered, but in the meantime there’s a host of messages from various Lords and ambassadors about embassy dinners and whatnot. Lila tries to tell him there’s been a mistake but eventually gives up and writes him off as just a bit hopeless. She turns on the TV and sees that Jess’s flight had to land in New Orleans. Oh noes! Then she sees TV footage of Jess next to Ryder Mitchell (hereafter known as RyMit as typing the whole name is getting very tedious) and has a meltdown about Jessica having all the luck.
Jess calls home and Liz commands her to turn on the national news, which of course is broadcasting footage of La Wakefield looking radiant. Liz passes on Lila’s message and then Jessica hangs up because RyMit is at the door all, “Wanna party?” I bet he has roofies on him.
Before going out on the town, Jess calls Lila to briefly gloat without giving any actual details as to what’s been going down and to let her know she’ll be in New York the day after. The she and RyMit go out for dinner, and RyMit bores the tits off me by banging on about the hardships of touring and not having a normal life. Then he thanks Jessica for listening. I can’t believe Jessica didn’t interrupt with a similar tale on the hardships of cheerleading or something. Walking back to their hotel after dinner, RyMit draws Jessica in for a kiss, only to be attacked by a big surge of guilt about something. He decides he has to tell her the truth, even if she’ll end up hating him. What can the guilty secret be?
Lila must face the humiliation of having to go out for dinner by herself and wears a black and white linen suit with a massive floppy hat. She decides to collar the chap at the concierge desk about the message mix-up madness - it’s a different clerk who apologises for the previous mix-up and hands over her messages, notably calling her Miss Fowler instead of the condescending ‘Princess’. Lila gets a table and invents a dinner companion who is late in order to save face. She notes someone in the room who seems even more miserable than her - it’s Bo, who is lamenting the horrors of earlier and wondering what to do about it. He spies across the room a girl under a huge great hat, who suddenly comes at him like a maniac and confuses the hell out of him by a) being Lila and b) being happy to see him, after the previous shenanigans. Then there’s a stupid paragraph where Lila decides he’s there to see another girl, Bo takes her to task on the snubbin’ & drubbin’ he received earlier (Lila says she doesn’t know what he’s on about and he doesn’t even follow this up. Bo is a tool) and then Lila realises that Bo loves her and is there for her. Kisses, and applause from other diners, who I presume were then taken away and shot for such non-U behaviour in a place such as the Plaza. I don’t know, I’m basing this theory on the snooty staff in Home Alone 2.
Hahaha! RyMitt confesses to Jessica that he’s going to New York to get engaged, something which he apparently has no control over. This is ridiculous. Jessica screams at him and runs away.
Lila goes down to the Plaza lobby to meet Bo the next day, after a tres romantic night involving a moonlit carriage ride, a dance club, and much snogging. Ooh I say. In the lobby Bo is surrounded by bouncer types, and the girl from yesterday who he thought was Lila is screaming in his face again. How rude! Lila notes that the girl looks a lot like her, and then finds out she is actually Princess Charlotte of Laestra (ha, nice making-up-of-exotic-foreign-place, Kate W). And - golly! - the hotel staff and paps mistook Lila for Princess Charlotte! That explains everything to Lila. It explains nothing to the 1bruce1 community, who had worked this out approximately three words into the chapter. Lila smugs about having an identical twin now, just like Jessica, but Lila’s is better because she’s royalty. And probably doesn’t wear mom jeans or barrettes. Go, Princess C!
Stupid Bo still thinks Princess C is Lila, and wonders if she has a dual personality disorder as seen in the movies. His mental illness reverie is interrupted by a heavy, who tells him in a thick foreign accent that “this is only the beginning, my friend” and that next time his treatment will be much worse. For my own entertainment I am going to imagine him with a Borat accent.
Lila jumps out from behind a potted plant, totally confusing Bo who is mystified as to why she has got changed into different clothes so quickly. Not so quick on the uptake, is young Bo. Lila explains and a hearty laugh is had by all. This book is so annoying.
Cunning Jessica has changed her outward flight to a different time and airline, but this doesn’t stop a Brilliant Disguise-less RyMit hunting her down and launching into an explanation for his dastardly actions. His manager set up the engagement to a pop star called Dierdra La Monde as a PR stunt, and the unveiling of the gruesome twosome is to be this week in New York. Despite managerial insistence that his record sales will go sky-high, RyMit declares that the game’s up and he’s not getting engaged to Dierdra. Dierdra? Seriously?
More royalmixupcakes over in NYC. Lila is in a jeweller’s trying on rings. Jewellery store clerk, thinking she is the princess, shows her some bracelets originally made for Queen Anne. I wish Kate William would stop switching stories only to write two pointless paragraphs.
Jessica and RyMit are thoroughly soppy throughout their flight, and agree to meet on the observation deck of the Empire State Building on February 14th. Just like in Sleeping in Seattle! Apart from the February 14th part. What with my references to the Boss, Home Alone 2 and Sleeping in Seattle I really am making myself out to be a major dork.
Lila is having a pedicure and demanding drinks in her suite when her secretary tells her that Jess is en route from the airport. Lila hurries downstairs to intercept her before any pesky hotel staff reveal that they think Lila is a princess. However, the gang of paps is still hanging around, so Lila makes Jess kiss her hand in worship. HA!
The girls kick back with the contents of the minibar (that’ll be a nice bill for George Fowler when the princess scam inevitably gets rumbled) and Jess tells Lila about her whirlwind romance with RyMit, and their plans to meet on Valentines Day. Lila is all, “Sweet! Oh, Bo’s here by the way.” Luckily Jessica doesn’t care, because if Lila is mooning all over Bo she’ll have more time to wank over RyMit and whatnot. The girls then go to hit the shops to find Jess the perfect outfit. I hope we get some descriptions of clothes that sound a bit more insane than the ones featured so far in this book.
The next day, Princess Charlotte is cooking up a cunning plan which involves putting on some bad jeans and taking advantage of the fact that everyone thinks Lila Fowler is her to go out and explore New York by herself. A plan which I’m sure will turn out tip-top. She thinks she’s been collared by the paparazzi but luckily they all rush pass her into the Palm Court restaurant, where Lila and Bo are lapping at each others faces.
Jess, Lila and Bo hit Park Avenue for lunch. Jess is wearing a pleasingly 80s outfit of jeans, a long sleeved blue blouse with rhinestone buttons, and a fuzzy blue sweater. Lila is rigged up with a silk scarf covering her face, huge sunglasses and the big hat, in order to “not be noticed”. Again, I can see this going very well. Jess shows what a classy lady she is at lunch by ordering a cheeseburger, fries and a hot fudge sundae, while Lila and Bo have caviar omelets.
Meanwhile Princess Charlotte has got herself mightily lost looking for the Statue of Liberty and ended up somewhere with litter and homeless sorts. Luckily a fellow named Allan, who has long hair and so in the world of Sweet Valley is a do-gooding lefty, takes her under his wing, and comes up with the bright idea of Princess Charlotte helping him out in a soup kitchen for the afternoon, and then he’ll go with her to the Statue of Liberty. Princess Charlotte, who tells him her name is Lila Fowler, thinks this is a marvellous idea. I would fucking love to see Lila Fowler work a soup kitchen.
Jess and Lila get back to the Plaza having taken full advantage of Lila’s royal status, and are rather full of themselves. Lila made a senator get her more cheese puffs at a party. Heh. Turning the TV on, the news is squeeing over rumours that an engagement between RyMit and Dierdra is imminent. Jessica dismisses it all as a PR hoax and says it doesn’t mean anything.
Princess Charlotte is really embracing this normal way of living. She’s going to a literature class with Lefty Allan and then to dinner in Chinatown (exotic!) and coffee in Greenwich Village. And then she wants to go back to the soup kitchen. I don’t know what the King of Laestra will make of all this, but something tells me he won’t be very pleased.
Jess has at last found herself a dress for the reunion with RyMit - a lavender beaded number. I’m glad that Jess has retained some of the Unicorn purple obsession. Lila smugly points out that Bo has asked her to meet him at Windows on the World on Valentines night, and is being very mysterious about it all; and that she wins as the Twin Towers are taller than the Empire State Building. Damn, this book makes me feel old. Then they get a message from George Fowler, who has buggered off to Hong Kong and left them to their own devices. Like he would have turned up to see them at all even if he stayed in New York.
Princess Charlotte is back at the soup kitchen, working alongside a lady called Juana, who is from Jamaica. “I keep on forgetting that Americans come in every shape and color,” she thinks. Shut up, Charlotte. Mrs Krane, the soup kitchen director, leads her through the building to do vegetable prep, and Charlotte asks why so much of the building isn’t used - turns out the roof leaks and they can’t afford to repair it. I sense a Secret Millionaire situation! Charlotte has never chopped veg before, but after studying the actions of her co-workers, is willing to give it a whirl. Unfortunately, after a pointless paragraph or two where Jessica is staring out of the window daydreaming about RyMit and Lila books some facials, a collection viewing and some limos to the Valentines japes, we rejoin her in the ER where she’s pretty much sliced her hand off. Luckily the stalkerish Lefty Allan turns up and makes her feel better about being a hopeless asshat. Princess C is worried about having to reveal her real identity when she gets stitched up, but Lefty Allan presumes she is worried about paying her medical bills. Not to worry! Everyone at the soup kitchen wants to hold a fundraiser to pay for them. Ha. Try getting out of this one without looking ridiculous.
Jess and Lila escape the Plaza paps and jump in a taxi that pulls up instead of wasting time finding out which limo is theirs. Sadly, the taxi driver turns out to be a complete nutter, driving all over the road and leering through a moustache at them when they ask him to perhaps get them to the required destinations sooner rather than later, thanks very much. Then all haughty behaviour comes to an abrupt halt when the driver gets on the highway and activates the automatic door locks. OH NOES! Not another damn kidnapping!
RyMit bounces along to the Empire State Building in a jolly mood. He has told his agents that they can stick their PR stunts up their arse and bagged more creative control over his own music. Then he buys Jessica an insane bouquet consisting of one of each flower in the florists. Ugh.
In case nobody had realised, the taxi driver has mistaken Lila and Jess for Princess Charlotte and a royal cohort, and has driven them to the Bronx. Jess boos over missing the four o’ clock tête-à-tête with RyMit, but is interrupted when a red headed man with a gun named Vincent jumps in the front seat. The driver is introduced as ‘Mr G’. Couldn’t they have thought up a better name for the role of Villain? He tells the girls not to worry and that they won’t be hurt unless they cause trouble. Then he blindfolds them with bandannas. I am shocked that neither Jess nor Lila complain that he is messing their hair up, or try and get out of the situation by explaining that they have totally hot dates they’re late for, right, and one of them is Ryder Mitchell!
RyMit is still on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, surrounded by the petals from his mad bouquet and feeling very sorry for himself.
Bo is busy pacing at WTC, wondering where the hell Lila has got to. He is dead chuffed with himself for bagging tickets to a celebrity fundraiser event which will be attended by the one and only Dierdra La Monde, and his present, which is prints of the photos of the girls that have been taken by the paps. However, all this effort will be pointless if Lila doesn’t turn up.
Jess and Lila are dragged out of the car to what Lila believes is a dungeon, where its revealed that they’ll be let go as soon as the Princess’s people have stumped up the ransom. “But I’m a nobody!” says Lila, for the first and probably last time ever. Jessica kicks Mr G (who complains like a girl) and threatens more until Vincent threatens to get trigger happy. Vincent then ties the girls’ hands up, after proving himself to be thoroughly at home in the role of Doofus Assistant by getting string instead of rope for the job. Twat. Vincent and Mr G leave, and Jess and Lila settle down to an argument over whose fault this actually is. Jessica says they must keep up the pretence that Lila is Princess Charlotte or the kidnappers won’t have any reason to keep them alive. I am glad that Jessica has been studying her Ladybird Guide to Kidnapping Theory.
Back at the Plaza, Princess Charlotte has been busted by the entourage for her new soup kitchen career as limb-mauler, and is sat on a chair while they stand round her in a semicircle telling her off. Charlotte is a rotten royal - you wouldn’t have caught Princess Margaret taking this shit (Princess Margaret would have demanded a gin, a Marlboro and a threesome and the whole sorry mess would have been forgotten about.) Luckily, Princess C remembers that she is the damn royal in these here parts, and so threatens job losses if the incident is not kept confidential. An icy tension is broken by the royal spokesperson taking a call and informing Princess C that she’s been kidnapped. I say, what a hoot! Everyone falls about laughing. I heartily wish that Todd Wilkins would roll up and punch the lot of them.
Bo calls the police and reports Lila and Jessica as missing. After explaining, the officer laughs at him for being stood up and says he’s taking things a bit seriously. He eventually says he’ll put out a bulletin on the missing girls, and advises Bo to start using a video dating service. Heh.
Lila and Jessica are STILL arguing about whose fault this really is, when Mr G and Vincent come back, pissed because they’ve found out that Lila is not a princess. Jessica whines that she’s hungry and Vincent is sent off with Lila’s bag of cash to get some food for them. Jess and Lila try to convince Mr G, who seems to be as stupid as Vincent and has scuppered my theory of the latter being the Doofus Assistant, that Vincent has taken all Lila’s money ($500 cash, $1000 in travellers cheques and credit cards) and is planning to double-cross Mr G. A fine plan, except that Vincent comes back with a heap of junk food. Hands untied, Lila and Jess stuff their faces while Mr G and Vincent argue about the money and what they should do. Vincent is all up for killing the both of them, Mr G thinks they should just let them go and scamper off with the money. Lila is all, “I told you I wasn’t a princess! This is all your fault!” before trying to placate them with the fact that Mr Fowler is stinking rich, before being told to shut her face. It turns out that Vincent has pocketed all the money and says they’ll split it later. Vincent and Mr G then get into a stupid argument over it all and wander off, leaving the girls in the dark again. “What a relief!” says Lila. Is this stupid book not finished yet?
Bo, after spending the night in a chair moping, finally gets off his ass and buys a TV ad in order to broadcast photos of the missing girls.
RyMit is also moping in his hotel room, and is channel surfing to dull the pain. He watches a report on a soup kitchen which has had an anonymous donation of a bucketload of cooking equipment plus cash to fix their roof. Aw. Princess Charlotte may be crap at remembering who’s the boss when it comes to her entourage, but she is mighty generous. RyMit, however, mentally shakes his fist at such a heartwarming tale when he is so miserable, and changes channel, only to see Jessica’s beautiful face staring out at him from Bo’s TV ad! What a shock!
Over at the Dungeon O’ Tedium, Vincent and Mr G have been trying to track down George Fowler in order to scrump a load of money off him. Unfortunately he’s in Hong Kong and so the only solution is to kill the girls. Dun dun dunnnnnn! At least that might mean closure to this neverending book. It doesn’t, because Lila remembers suddenly that Bo is loaded and can help out with their ransom demands. As the kidnappers prepare to leave in order to sort out the cash, Jessica shrugs her coat off and hides a glass juice bottle under it. Cunning!
Bo and RyMit, united in misery, are waiting for news from the missing persons department. RyMit rings them again, only for the police to think he’s pulling a publicity stunt due to his rock star status. More fist shaking. They get a phone call from Mr G, who demands that one million dollars be brought to him at the Yankee Stadium at midnight. The boys decide to bypass getting the police involved (after the video dating and PR stunt jibes I don’t particularly blame them) and haul ass to the stadium. Bo reveals his plan not to give up a dime for the bastards and instead sent them off to prison. Go, Bo!
Jessica and Lila partake in some entertaining kidnap aerobics trying to get the glass bottle into their tied hands. Jess eventually smashes it and saws Lila’s string off, then Lila unties Jess. Free at last! Just the excuse one needs to carry on with more endless bickering. They stumble about in the dark for a bit before Jess discovers a load of baseball bats and baseballs in an equipment cupboard. I wonder where they’re being held?!
Princess Charlotte writes a letter to Lefty Allan explaining everything. I was hoping Lefty Allan would turn out to be a bit more interesting than he actually did.
Lila and Jess drag a crate of baseballs off the shelf and scatter the balls on the floor, preresumably so Mr G and Vincent will fall over them, cartoon style. I hope in the inevitable TV interview about their rescue Jess credits Tom & Jerry with this idea. It works, and the girls escape out of their “dungeon” and jump in Mr G’s taxi, which conveniently has the keys in the ignition. “What luck!” shouts Lila. I shouted it as well, but with much more of a snarky inflection.
Of course, the boys rock up just as the taxi is capering out of the parking lot. They try to work out where the girls are being held before having a girly fight over whether Lila and Jess are being held there at all. GET ON WITH IT. They find the room where the girls had been - Bo can smell Lila’s perfume - before both being biffed in the head with baseball bats and locked in.
The girls manage to navigate their way to Manhattan in the cab, and then decide to run to the Plaza as it’ll be quicker. They bang on Bo’s door and then split up to search for him all over the hotel, without much luck. They ask the doorman if he’s seen a man matching Bo’s description, and the doorman helpfully tells them that said chap and another man who he thought was a rock star bombed it out of there a while ago in a huge flap about something. I bet the Plaza doormen are not that helpful in real life. Jess and Lila decide to call the police, but not before being collared by Princess Charlotte who is most entertained to meet the girl who made it possible for her to go and hobnob with Lefty Allan. Lila tells Princess C that she had been kidnapped and held at Yankee Stadium, and the Princess’s heavies are sent there to go and sort things out. I wish I had a troop of bouncers I could make do things for me. Lila and Jess go with them, and Lila mentally calls to Bo that she is coming to get him.
RyMit and Bo wake up to find Vincent and Mr G staring down at them with a gun. Miracles are prayed for, and arrive in the form of Borat the heavy! Hurrah! Emotional reunions all round. The villains are taken away, still arguing. I wonder how on earth I have managed to recap this book without a vat of alcohol.
A few days later, all is back to normal. Jess and Lila have been all over New York doing touristy things, and Lila has to give her autograph to a bunch of preteens who say she is famous for doing Random Acts of Kindness after a news station identified a woman called Lila Fowler as the donator of food processors and roof funds to the soup kitchen. Lila is appalled that Princess Charlotte pretended to be her while wearing rubbish jeans.
RyMit is apparently about to hold a concert in the lobby of the Plaza. What? I mean, WHAT? Did the ghostwriter even look into what the Plaza is like (once again, basing this on Home Alone 2?) Oh, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that Jessica is wearing a black and red plaid skirt with a yellow turtleneck. My eyes hurt just typing that.
The RyMit “totally spontaneous”, according to an annoying radio announcer sort who pops up apropos of nothing, concert starts, and everyone wets their pants. The RyMit sings his song “When Love Takes Hold” and drags Jessica up on stage. Just like in her dream on the plane! Fancy that! The End. At long bloody last.
God, this is long. Many apologies to anyone brave enough to have sat through it. I hope you brought snacks to sustain you. And at least you didn’t have to actually read the book, which must stand as one of the worst SVH efforts ever.