The Watered-Down Version of Aftershock (#48 Sweet 18)
…which makes sense considering that this whole series is a watered-down version of SVH!
This is the last book in the SVHSY series and takes place during the Wakefield twins’ 18th birthday and their graduation from high school. There really is no way to recap this book without providing a brief recap of the entire series. That is one major difference between SVH and SVHSY. You can’t skip books, because there are no chapter-long recaps of previous books. I promise that I’ll try to be briefer than an SVH chapter!
The Senior Year series is sort of Sweet Valley, but not really…
For example, some of the characters we are familiar with from SVH make appearances in SVHSY, only they seem like completely different people. The Wakefield twins have prominent roles in this series, OF COURSE, however we no longer know what size clothing they wear. Jessica is only slightly sociopathic and is involved in a serious relationship through most of the series. Elizabeth rarely deals out any shoulder pats and becomes far too self-involved over some stupid schmuck. Jessica and Elizabeth also have the same group of friends during their senior year.
As for their former best friends, Lila Fowler is not awesome and Enid Rollins is barely mentioned. (Nobody loves poor Enid…) Todd Wilkins is only a peripheral character and dates Elizabeth’s mini-me for most of this series. (But that’s not creepy at all, right?)
Ken Matthews starts out the school year by quitting the football team. No one seems very compassionate, even though he just lost his girlfriend to a refrigerator. (Hooray, finally some typical SVH mentality!) Ken quickly gets over Olivia and dates Maria Slater for most of the year. It should be noted that Maria holds the title of Elizabeth’s best friend in SVHSY. Maria and Elizabeth no longer acknowledge Enid’s existence, even though all three girls were best friends at the end of SVH. (No wonder Enid dumps Elizabeth’s ass in college!) Maria and Jessica also became good friends during this series.
And finally, Jade Wu and Jeffrey French underwent complete personality transformations, but only Jeffrey’s is acknowledged. Oh, and Jade Wu somehow skipped an entire year of her life.
Other differences? Diversity! Actual brand names mentioned. Serious issues dealt with in a slightly more realistic manner. No one hangs out at the beach while it’s light outside. No special editions (super, thriller, magna…) No lavalieres of truth. No psychotic doppelgangers. (Or everyday, run of the mill doppelgangers for that matter.) No international travel. No supernatural occurrences. No natural disasters! No Wakefield twin premonitions of danger. No danger!
SVHSY books are all interspersed with handwritten (i.e. different computer fonts that supposedly resemble handwriting) first-person entries from different characters, which sometimes seem like diary entries and sometimes seem like inner-monologues.
Oh, and there are a bunch of new students from El Carro, a nearby high school that was leveled in the earthquake. In brief, we have -
Will Simmons - Jack-off quarterback who cheats on his girlfriend with Jessica in the first book. He doesn’t tell Jessica that he even has a girlfriend and allows this girlfriend to spread vicious rumors about Jessica to the entire school. He also gets injured during a game, can’t play football ever again, and loses a scholarship. Kharma’s a bitch! Don’t ever mess with a Wakefield! EVER!!!
Melissa Fox - Psychotic girlfriend of above quarterback. Takes her anger out on Jessica instead of evil boyfriend. Tries to commit suicide after boyfriend dumps her and continues an on and off relationship with him for the rest of the series. Adds Amy Sutton and Lila Fowler to her army of skanks group of evil cheerleader minions. (Oh, Lila, we mourn thee!)
Tia Ramirez - Cheerleader from El Carro. Made captain due to her efforts to mend fences between the El Carro and SVH cheerleaders. Takes Jessica’s side (along with Jade Wu and Annie Whitman) during the psychotic Melissa rampages. Friends with both Wakefield twins. Childhood best friends with Andy Marsden and Conner McDermott.
Andy Marsden - Winston 2.0, the Winston of the new millenium. (Winston was thankfully absent from most of this series) Andy came out of the closet and has an openly gay relationship during the series. And that’s how it’s done, Tom McGay!
Conner McDermott - Emo McDouche and Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend. Made out with Maria Slater several times in the beginning of the school year and then crushed her poor little heart. Elizabeth secretly hooked up with him several times after that and Maria caught them in the act. Conner also spent most of the series fighting an alcohol abuse problem.
Megan Sandborn - Elizabeth’s mini-me and younger half-sister of Emo McDouche. Has a serious relationship with Todd Wilkins through most of the series, which ends right after prom. (Maybe she wouldn’t give it up to him either!)
Evan Plummer - Granola, hippy, vegan type who dates Jade Wu for most of the series. Too bad, he’d be perfect for Dawn Schafer!
Cherie Reese and Gina Cho - Melissa’s evil cheerleader minions with no distinct personalities of their own
And finally, on to the actual book!
We start off with tiresome diary entries, which are a look back on the senior year resolutions that both twins made in the beginning of the school year. Big props for continuity, Francine! The resolutions were included at the beginning of the first SVHSY book. Basically, we find out that Jessica continued to not clean her room, to not read the book that Elizabeth gave her, and to not avoid fast food, but did manage to improve academically and continue to weigh one pound less than Elizabeth. I wonder which one of the two resolutions she actually kept should be more significant to the readers. Any guesses?
As for Elizabeth’s resolutions, we learn that she is even more of a beyotch than she was last year! She kept to her resolution to not get straight A’s (thank you, Emo McDouche, for turning her into a neurotic, selfish, head case); to not give Jessica advice, “no matter how horrendously wrong she is” (thank you again, Emo McDouche); to not get back together with Todd (the credit again goes to Emo McDouche. Although the end of the book alludes that she and Todd are getting back together and we all know that they are definitely together when they leave for college); she failed to weigh one pound less, but was successful at remaining one inch taller than Jessica (anyone else in the mood for cake?); she was successful at dressing more sexily (sniffles for the demise of the matching barrettes); she was successful at keeping her virginity (I didn’t see that one coming!); she failed to not give constructive criticism to anyone, “no matter how much Enid needs it” (Shenanigans! She couldn’t have given constructive criticism to Enid, she didn’t talk to the girl all year. But that doesn’t stop her from making a negative comment about Enid in this diary entry!); and she feels that she was successful in always remembering Olivia (I CRY BULLSHIT ON THAT ONE! She wrote one poem about Olivia in the first book and then promptly forgot about her. Because that is the Sweet Valley way!).
The book opens as the twins are on their way to school. Jessica drives the Jeep recklessly as she mourns the loss of childhood now that they are turning 18. This book would have been so much more exciting if they had totaled yet another Jeep! Instead, they pull into the parking lot in one piece, and Jessica reminisces about all of her wonderful memories of SVH. Then Jessica thinks back on some of the bad memories. And I quote -
“… kidnappings, bomb threats, gang wars, that crazy Margot chick who came to town and tried to pretend she was Elizabeth. Junior year had definitely been tumultuous.”
What the? I can’t even begin to get into how ridiculous this all sounds! Particularly, because up until this point, SVHSY was a much more realistic look at upper middle class, teenage life (relatively speaking). But you know what the worst offense of all was? They misspelled the doppelganger’s name! It was Margo! Not Margot! Sheesh! Honestly, though, I don’t remember any bomb threats! Can someone help me out?
I’m just amazed that any of the El Carro parents agreed to let their kids attend SVH after the “tumultuous” preceding year. I guess they’re just as negligent as the Sweet Valley parents! This is one area where town borders just don’t matter!
The girls discuss the fact that they haven’t planned anything, even though their birthday is only a few days away. Jessica thinks back on their 17th birthday party, and has flashbacks of the earthquake - driving the jeep off the road (and totaling it, I’m sure), fissures in the roads, collapsed houses, blood, etc. WHAT ABOUT ALYSSA? Nod to continuity, there’s that callous Wakefield attitude towards death!
Jessica tells Elizabeth that the whole thing is too depressing and that she doesn’t want a party. Elizabeth freaks out and demands that they have a party. Jessica gives in for Elizabeth’s sake. I know, Senior Year is freaky! Is this really Elizabeth? Or could it be Crazy Nora? Both girls decide that they can’t hold the party at their house, because it would be too morbid. You know, you could still hold the party at your house if you’d just remove that pesky refrigerator! But if you do choose to keep the refrigerator, don’t forget to invite a frizzy-haired brunette. Welcome back, Enid! Let’s be BFFs again!
Maria Slater is this year’s valedictorian, because Elizabeth’s grades slipped a bit during her Emo McDouche obsession. Maria is flipping out about writing the perfect valedictorian speech, but finds that Ken isn’t really listening to her. She stresses about Ken’s mind being on Olivia as the one-year anniversary of her death approaches. Maria gets jealous, because she really needs her boyfriend right now (to bounce speech writing ideas off of him, I guess.) She decides her feelings are justified, because she’s here and Olivia isn’t. OUCH! I really liked Maria during SVH, but not so much now…
And now, Enid re-emerges from the depths of Sweet Valley hell to stress before an AP Calculus exam. Elizabeth actually deigns to speak to her! Enid walks into the classroom ahead of Elizabeth and Maria and they practically have kittens about the skull tattoo on her lower back. Elizabeth thinks to herself that if there were a yearbook category for most changed, Enid would win the title. And I quote,
“She’d gone from geeky to goth in less than a year.”
Um, scuse me? When the hell did this happen? I guess during those 46 books from which she was absent.
Right before the exam, the teacher hands Elizabeth a note from the guidance counselor. It seems a representative from Oxford is coming to school for the sole purpose of meeting her. All the way from England? You don’t say! I guess Elizabeth Wakefield is revered just as much across the pond! But ruh roh, Elizabeth still hasn’t told Jessica that she even applied to Oxford. And she’s already promised Jessica that they’d go to school together in Southern California, which is NOT England. This won’t cause any drama at all!
And now for another special guest appearance! Winston Egbert gives Elizabeth a thumbs up before the test. I believe this is his very first appearance in this series. Congratulations, Winston! NOW GET THE HELL OUT!
Thankfully, Andy, a.k.a. Winston 2.0 is in the very next scene, sucking down way too much caffeine at the House of Java. (Unlike from Winston to Andy, this is not an improvement over the Dairi Burger.) Winston 2.0 complains about finals to Dave (the boyfriend!), Tia, Trent (Tia’s boyfriend), and Emo McDouche. Haha, Emo McDouche has been demoted to fifth wheel status. Winston 2.0, Tia, and Emo McDouche all yak about a road trip to Seattle that they’re taking after graduation. Dave and Trent get all puppy dog over it. GROW UP DAVE AND TRENT!
And sadly, we have another diary entry in the form of Maria’s senior will. It’s too boring to recap… Thankfully, she leaves nothing to Emo McDouche!
That evening, Elizabeth tells her family that she got into Oxford and Jessica flips the fuck out. Jessica throws a tantrum and tells her to forget about spending their birthday together. Now that they’re not speaking to each other and can’t compare notes, will Crazy Nora break out of jail and try to take over one of their lives? No, sadly it’s not that kind of book…
Tia and Trent lie on a blanket at the beach. It’s night of course, because no one ever goes to the beach while the sun is up in this series. Trent bitches about her road trip, which pisses her off royally. Finally, Trent begs to come with and Tia gives in, knowing that Winston 2.0 and Emo McDouche will kill her. Ya think?
Jessica calls up her boyfriend, Jeremy, to bitch about Elizabeth. And he quite awesomely kicks her while she’s down (though not intentionally.) Jeremy attends Big Mesa High and is graduating on Jessica’s birthday. His family is planning a big party for him that evening, so he won’t be able to be with Jessica on her birthday. Jessica bitches out Jeremy when he tries to end the conversation without inviting her to the party. Jeremy apologizes, explaining that he didn’t think she’d want to spend her 18th birthday at a boring party with his family. Jessica tells him it’s okay, hangs up the phone, and cries herself to sleep over losing both her sister and her boyfriend. There’s the dramatic Jessica we remember!
Jessica feels alone, because her boyfriend is going to college in Arizona, her sister’s going to college in England, Tia’s joining Americorps, Winston 2.0 and Dave will be in New York, etc… I’d feel bad for her, but since I have some of that Wakefield psychic ability, I know that she’ll make friends immediately in college.
And yawn, another diary entry… This time it’s Tia’s senior will. Just as boring as Maria’s, so I won’t even bother with it! But she does say at the end,
Long live El Carro High!!!
Suck it, Sweet Valley!
The next morning, Elizabeth silently fumes about Jessica during her drive to school. She slows down when realizes she’s speeding. Speeding? And she thought Enid changed a lot! Finally, she gets the inspired idea to throw Jessica a huge birthday party as a peace offering. Um, Dizzie Lizzie? I seem to recall that Jessica didn’t even want a party. I think you should come up with a new plan.
But Elizabeth doesn’t listen to me and begs Tia and Emo McDouche to help her plan a party. Emo McDouche would not be my first choice to help plan something fun, but then again, our girl Lizzie is not the brightest bulb. They decide to hold it at the Riot, which is the all-ages rave club that the El Carro kids introduced to the SVH kids. I have so many issues with this. First of all, I’ve never heard of a club that serves alcohol and lets in minors. And if there had been such a club near my high school, my parents wouldn’t have let me go! Three cheers for Ned and Alice!
Later that day, Maria blocks the entry to the cafeteria as she frets about her valedictorian speech. Winston (the original version) comes up behind her and makes several unfunny remarks that are supposed to make us all laugh. WINSTON, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE 12 PARAGRAPHS AGO!!!
Maria walks over to her friends’ lunch table and Winston 2.0 gives her the evil eye. Maria asks him what’s wrong and he accuses her of talking to the original version. Maria again asks what the problem is, and Winston 2.0 answers,
“Well, last time I checked, there was a rule against having more than one wacky, comic-relief friend.”
Oh, ghostwriters, you are so drôle! Seriously, not Andy’s best work… For shame!
Maria tries to take Elizabeth’s mind off of Jessica by inviting her to brainstorm for their graduations speeches. Elizabeth is the salutatorian and has to give a speech too. Elizabeth reluctantly agrees. SLACKER!
After lunch, Tia confesses to Winston 2.0 that she invited the boyfriend on their road trip. Winston 2.0 rightfully gets pissed, but then decides to invite his boyfriend too. Emo McDouche is going to have a field day with this one! They decide not to tell him yet and go off to take another final exam.
Jessica decides that she’s going to throw a huge, insanely, expensive birthday to get back at Elizabeth. I don’t get the logic, but I’m totally picturing a My Super Sweet 16 type of affair. With Jessica bitching out her father for giving her a brand new car (let’s just call this Jeep Snowball VI) before the party, instead of in front of all her friends. And then she’ll change her dress five times during the evening. And she’ll have Prince Albert died pink! (Of course he’ll reappear for her party! After all he’s back in the first SVU book.)
She tries to recruit Tia to help plan the party (which is two days away), but Tia breaks the bad news about Elizabeth’s party. Tia must work fast, because the whole school already knows about it. In fact, Queen Bitch Melissa is planning to attend. Tia, why would you ever invite her? I thought you were smarter than that? Melissa drops this gem,
“We’ve already been invited to your sister’s birthday party. I figured you’d be invited. After all, you two do share the same brain.”
Oh, snap! I normally find Melissa incredibly irritating (due to her psychotic tendencies), but I wholeheartedly approve of this dig on the Wakefield twinkies. They do each seem to have half a brain most of the time.
Jessica takes the party news as a sign that Elizabeth really doesn’t need her anymore and is moving on without her. So, is Jessica’s behavior towards her in the beginning of the SVU series revenge for all of this?
Oh, holy crap! Another senior will diary entry thingamajig. This one’s from Winston 2.0 and it’s advice for the junior class. Decidedly unfunny! One piece of wisdom was to stop eating when you’re full. Come on, Andy! The SVH girls have enough of a complex. Lay off the food thing, mkay?
Right after yet another final, Winston 2.0 runs into Emo McDouche. Emo McDouche seems to have taken some happy pills, because he is chattering excitedly about the road trip and smiling. Winston 2.0 decides it’s not a good time to break the news about the boyfriends crashing the road trip. When are you planning to tell him, anyway? The morning you leave? Actually, that might not be such a bad idea. He might not kill you if Dave and Trent are there to witness it.
And now it’s time for a Lila Fowler cameo! She’s been incredibly NOT AWESOME throughout this entire series, but she shines once again in this book. Jessica invites Jade, Annie, and Lila to a slumber party at her house for her birthday. All of the girls already know about the party at the Riot, of course and grill Jessica for the truth. Jessica breaks down and admits that she and Elizabeth aren’t on speaking terms, because Elizabeth is going to Oxford next year.
Lila asks, “Why are you surprised? I mean, it’s like the mother ship calling the boring twin home.”
Jade and I both find this hysterically funny. The conversation topic changes and Lila reminisces about the Dairi Burger , complaining that it wasn’t rebuilt. No worries, Lila! It’ll be rebuilt while you’re in Italy with your soon to be dead new husband, Count Chocula.
Aaron Dallas and girlfriend, Cherie Reese (otherwise known as Evil Minion #1 to Melissa) join in the conversation. Aaron asks if they’re supposed to bring presents to the party.
Lila snaps, “Of course you are. God, Aaron, it’s a birthday party.” She’s ba-a-a-a-a-ack!
Cherie gets all excited about the party, because it will feel like a graduation party. See the whole senior class is invited and it’s the night before graduation. Plus the MTV cameras will be there and all the cheerleaders will get to wear the corset tops in Bjorn’s fashion show. Or not…
Jessica storms off and is upset that no one wants to spend her birthday with her. Um, Jess? The whole senior class is coming to a party that they think is for your birthday too.
Speaking of the party, Tia invites Jeffrey French (who now goes by Jeff and has turned into a total loser). He gets all 9th grade on her and frets like a little girl. Does Elizabeth really want him there or is Tia inviting him because everyone else is invited? Oh my god, SHUT UP! I was a big fan of Jeffrey French (I refuse to call him Jeff, damnit!) in Classic SVH, but not so much now. He and Elizabeth got back together on Valentine’s Day during this series. He transformed himself from a photographer/soccer player to a surfer/DJ. His stage name was DJ Splendid. He should have gotten a second opinion on that name. I would have voted for DJ Tanner!
Thankfully, Winston 2.0 rescues Tia from this whinefest, but the conversation is a repeat of earlier fears of telling Emo McDouche about the boyfriends crashing the road trip. BORING!
Elizabeth runs into Amy Sutton while picking up her cap and gown from the school office. Amy bitches about how unfashionable graduation caps are. And guess who makes a cameo to chime in? Robin Wilson! She bitches about working so hard to lose all that weight, only to be stuck wearing a muumuu to graduation. HELLO? ROBIN WILSON MOVED AWAY LAST YEAR! REMEMBER, HEATHER THE HORRIBLE MOVED TO TOWN AND TOOK OVER THE CO-CAPTAIN SLOT! What were you thinking, ghostwriters? Granted, I’m sure Robin Wilson would be upset about the whole muumuu thing. BUT AT HER OWN SCHOOL! NOT AT SVH! At this point, I’m fully expecting Regina Morrow and Tricia Martin to walk down the aisle at graduation.
Elizabeth leaves the ghost of Robin Wilson in the school office, only to be accosted by some home ec teacher we’ve never heard of before. Apparently, she is desperate to find Jessica. It seems our favorite flake never made up the risotto assignment. To make matters worse, her grade in home ec is borderline and she needs that assignment to pass. If she doesn’t pass home ec, she won’t graduate. I CRY FOUL! In her resolutions, she just said that she improved academically. I hate when Sweet Valley lacks continuity, but even more so when it’s in the same book!
Elizabeth decides to pull a twin switch and make up the assignment for her sister the next afternoon as a birthday present. That’s the nicest thing Elizabeth has done during all of SVHSY.
And now we have a diary entry from Emo McDouche:
Last night, I baby-sat for Gabby Perkins who is going through a phase. I helped her mother by suggesting that she practice stronger discipline with Gabby. While I was at it, I also advised her that she could save a ton of money on her car insurance by switching to GEICO. Mrs. Perkins was so grateful to me, that she gave me a 50-cent raise. Now, we can finally afford another trip to NYC! Gabby did act up a little once Mrs. Perkins left, but luckily I brought my kid kit! I’m so glad we decided to add stickers to those kits! They work every time! Mrs. Perkins got home at 10pm, which is exactly the time I’m allowed to baby-sit until. On the drive home, I advised Mrs. Perkins that she was starting to show signs of old age and could do with a trip to the salon to cover up those pesky grays. Mrs. Perkins was so grateful, that she gave me another 50-cent raise! Now we can finally get our book on proper childrearing published! I think it’s time for another pizza party!
Oops, sorry! I got bored with this book and started imagining I was reading a different one!
Emo McDouche’s actual diary entry was another blasted senior will thing. The only funny thing in it was that he is leaving a big juicy burger to Evan, the vegan. Oh, Connor, you slay me with your wit! Now, if you’d treat me like garbage and hook up with my best friend, I’d totally want to jump your bones right now!
Vegan Evan and Jade are trying on their graduation caps and gowns in her living room when Jade’s mother bursts into the house. She is ecstatic, because a publishing company wants to meet with her about her manuscript. She wrote a book, which she won’t tell Jade anything about, and has been trying to get it published. Mrs. Wu is hoping to get the book published to pay for Jade’s tuition at USC. Jade’s father is a total dickwad who refused to pay for her education unless she went to the school of his choice. He’s also been divorced from Jade’s mother since she was seven years old and refuses to pay child support unless Jade holds down a part-time job. Stand up guy, isn’t he? At this point, I’m just going to ignore the fact that last year he was a traditional Chinese father married to Jade’s mother and that Jade was a ballet dancer who was not a junior in high school.
Elizabeth meets with the Oxford rep, who she thinks is really cute. Yes, that’s right folks, Elizabeth has developed hormones since her junior year. Anyway, he goes on and on about the university, and I’m not sure how accurate it is since I know nothing about Oxford. And I don’t care because it’s BORING! Elizabeth asks him about dorm life and he talks it up. When she acts surprised, he says,
“Oh, we’re not all a bunch of stuffed shirts, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve taken in my share of debauchery.”
Are you effing kidding me? How is this appropriate? She’s not going to be 18 until tomorrow, you know! But debauchery? Too bad she’s not going to Oxford! Oh well, she’ll experience quite a bit of British debauchery as a scullery maid in three years.
Emo McDouche walks out of his last final, rejoicing that he’ll never have to fill out another Scantron form again. (Well, until your first semester in college at least. But you can take the summer off!)
After he leaves the final, he overhears Tia and Andy talking about their boyfriends crashing the road trip. He bitches them out and quite frankly, this is the only time I’ve ever agreed with him on anything. Emo McDouche tells them that they can go on the road trip without him and storms off.
And now it’s time for Vegan Evan’s senior will. Blah blah blah. The only somewhat amusing thing is
To Conner, I leave a clue.
Take that, Emo McDouche!
Next up, we have some serious Maria/Elizabeth drama in the library. The girls meet to work on their graduation speeches and Maria gives Elizabeth a hard time for not even starting her’s yet. Elizabeth shrugs it off and tells her that the salutatorian speech doesn’t matter, it’s only the runner-up speech. Maria argues that Elizabeth’s speech is definitely important. Elizabeth bitches her out, saying that she’s got a lot going on at the moment, and that Maria should be happy that she even is valedictorian. Then Elizabeth snaps,
“Everyone in this school knows that I should be valedictorian. And I would have been if it hadn’t been for last semester.”
Maria snaps back, “You mean last semester, when you practically flunked out because you were too busy going after the guy that I liked?”
Elizabeth comes back, “It’s about time you got over that. Conner wasn’t even remotely interested in you.”
And Maria reminds us why we used to love her, by yelling, “Thank God!”
ZING!
Elizabeth and Maria storm away from each other and Maria crashes right into Ken. Ken asks if she’s okay, and she snaps,
“Yeah, like you even care.”
And now we remember why we don’t love her anymore. Poor Ken!
And it’s time for the twin switch! Elizabeth rushes off to the home ec room to complete Jessica’s risotto assignment. The teacher assumes that she has the assignment in her notes, leaves “Jessica” unsupervised in the home ec room, and tells her to leave the risotto on the counter when she’s finished. Elizabeth struggles to remember the assignment from when she took the course last year. LIES, ALL LIES! She did NOT take home ec last year!
Elizabeth starts mixing together a bunch of random ingredients and figures that the teacher won’t flunk Jessica if it’s at least edible. That’s a big if…
Jessica goes out to dinner with Jeremy and his family, but she ruins the dinner by running off to cry about losing Jeremy.
Oh, yuck, Jeremy’s senior will is the dullest one yet. There’s some mushiness over Jessica. Nothing worth repeating!
Jessica wakes up feeling like crap on the morning of her birthday and stumbles into the kitchen to find a big pancake birthday breakfast. Elizabeth asks for a truce and Jessica seems ready to agree. That is, until Elizabeth bestows her birthday gift by explaining the risotto twin switch caper. Jessica gets angry and asks when everyone is going to stop treating her like a child. Elizabeth responds that they will when she stops acting like one. Jessica storms out and strands Elizabeth by taking the Jeep to graduation rehearsal.
Elizabeth and Maria make amends at graduation rehearsal. Elizabeth still hasn’t prepared her speech and has a zany scheme all worked out to avoid rehearsing it. Just as she’s about to give her speech, Emo McDouche cuts the cord to the microphone system. To distract the teachers from going back stage, Jade stands up on her chair and screams,
“Donna Martin graduates!”
Okay, not really. But she does scream,
“Evan Plummer! You do not own me! And if I want to go to graduation wearing nothing under my robe, you cannot stop me!”
The whole senior class starts chanting, “Naked! Naked! Naked!” and Emo McDouche makes it safely back to his seat.
This ruckus pretty much breaks up the rehearsal and the seniors go a bit wild, running through the hallways and chasing each other with water guns. Todd Wilkins re-emerges into the world of Sweet Valley to chase Elizabeth around with a water gun. Jessica witnesses the whole thing and teases her about getting back together with Todd.
Just as the girls seem ready to call yet another truce, the home ec teacher comes barreling down the hallway. The teacher tells Jessica that the risotto tasted terrible and that she would have to make up the assignment again that afternoon. And this time, the teacher was going to have the recipe laid out for her.
After the teacher leaves, Jessica bitches out Elizabeth for making her spend her birthday in the home ec room. So much for that truce!
That afternoon, Maria gets ready for the birthday bash and finds a message from Ken on her answering machine. He explains that he’ll have to meet her at the party, because there’s something he has to do first. Maria suddenly realizes that he’s going to Olivia’s grave all alone and she realizes what a horrible girlfriend she’s been. Okay, Maria. You’re all right again.
But before we get to the cemetery, we have to live through Ken’s senior will. Nothing much of interest, except this one -
To Conner, a few choice words
You and me both, Ken!
The home ec teacher notices that Jessica seems very tense while she’s making up the risotto assignment and asks if everything’s okay. Jessica bitches about her sister and the teacher chalks it up to separation anxiety. Jessica realizes that she doesn’t want to continue fighting with Elizabeth and decides to go the party that night.
Meanwhile, Tia, Winston 2.0, and their boyfriends decorate the Riot for the upcoming Birthday Extravaganza. Seriously, what the fuck? Elizabeth’s the one throwing this party and she’s forcing her friends into slave labor! What an itch-bay!
Anyway, Tia and Winston 2.0 get upset when their boyfriends try to change around the itinerary of their Seattle road trip. It’s a good thing Emo McDouche is no longer going, he’d bitch slap the both of them.
Maria finds Ken at Olivia’s grave. They both apologize for not being there for the other one during the past week. I still don’t understand what Ken did wrong!
Jade and Evan wait for Mrs. Wu to get home from her meeting with the publisher. Jade refuses to leave for the birthday party without seeing her mother. Mrs. Wu comes home with the excellent news that the publisher loved the manuscript and that they’re paying her a ridiculous amount of money for it. Really? It happens that quickly? Does she even have an agent yet?
Mrs. Wu goes on to explain that the publisher wants her to turn it into a series. And we finally learn what the mysterious plot of this book is. You ready?
“I actually got the idea from your friends… Jessica and Elizabeth? It’s about a pair of twins who have very different personalities. But they’re still closer to each other than anyone else in the world…”
More proof that it is indeed always about the Wakefields. I feel queasy…
And now it’s time for Jade’s trite senior will. Yada yada yada. She leaves Conner some helium to help him lighten up. I’m totally loving the Emo McDouche hate in this book! She also leaves her ballet slippers to Elizabeth. I don’t get it! They never took dance classes together! Is this some kind of weird reminder of Jade’s old personality, when Elizabeth supplied umpteen shoulder pats to Jade when her father wouldn’t let her dance last year? Because in Senior Year, Jade cannot stand Elizabeth. And this is one of the reasons that I like Jade in this series. Unfortunately, her mother ruined everything by creating a second universe for Elizabeth to exist in.
After finishing her risotto assignment and passing the class, Jessica heads over to Jeremy’s graduation. After the ceremony, she apologizes to him for wrecking his family dinner and he gives her a ring for her birthday. The ring is inscribed with Jeremy and Jessica - Always. Jessica promises to always wear it. This is all entirely too ridiculous! I really think they should have had the two break up, since it’s pretty clear that she’s single in the first SVU book. But I digress…
Jessica arrives back at her house and discovers that Elizabeth, Steven, and their parents already left for the Riot. Seriously, Ned and Alice at a rave club?
Jessica gets dressed up for the party and then lies down on her bed when she’s overcome with a wave of exhaustion. She decides to rest her eyes for a second. Gee, I wonder what will happen?
Elizabeth is miserable at her own birthday party, because Jessica isn’t there. She cheers up slightly when she sees Steven flirting with Melissa and Will fuming in the corner. I wonder what happened to Billie the girl during this year? She and Steven were together in Earthquake and are together again in the first SVU book.
Todd cheers Elizabeth up by giving her a red rose and a kiss on the cheek. Todd asks her to dance, but she’s in too much of a funk to accept.
Everyone else is having a total blast and going wild on the dance floor. I wonder if this has to do with the fact that the Wakefield twins aren’t around to bring everyone down. Maria, Tia, Winston 2.0, Jade, Melissa, Cherie, and Gina all dance on tables. Todd Wilkins pulls Enid Rollins up on a table to dance. I’m sure it’s to a Britney Spears song. How very un-goth, Enid!
And now for Psycho Melissa’s senior will, in which she ignores Amy Sutton and leaves her El Carro Varsity Captain’s sweater to Tia and Jessica. Oy vay!
Jeffrey French comes over to Elizabeth to bring her down even more. Emo McDouche rescues her by asking her to dance. He asks what she’s thinking about as they slow dance. Elizabeth responds that she’s thinking that they may never dance together again. Emo McDouche tells her that he sees many dances in their future. LIAR! Unless he shows up in SVU? I haven’t read past the third book in that series, so I really have no idea. But I’m guessing not. I’m also guessing that none of the other El Carro transfers show up either. It would have been possible! I’m a dork and just looked it up. The last SVU was published in 2000. The first SVHSY was published in 1999.
Emo McDouche continues to behave out of character (i.e. nice) and decides to make amends with Tia and Winston 2.0, who are hanging with their boyfriends. The three best friends reminisce about growing up together and how they’ll be apart for the first time ever in the fall. The boyfriends decide to beg off of the road trip and that the three of them should go alone as originally planned. Well, that worked out a bit too well, don’t you think?
Elizabeth decides to be a big party pooper and gets a ride home from Vegan Evan and Jade. The party’s still going on though! I’m just curious, did she leave her parents and brother there?
She comes home and finds Jessica asleep in bed. Elizabeth wakes her up with the news that she’s not going to Oxford. Is she insane? She turned down a full scholarship to Oxford to stay with her sister? The same sister who will move out of her room within the first week of school? The doormat is back!
The girls make amends and try to figure out which school to attend while they eat ice cream. Maybe things have changed in the past ten years, but I had to make my college decision by May. Both girls got into UCLA, USC, and SVU. Elizabeth decides that she wants to go to SVU. Jessica asks if she’s sure she wants to go to school with Enid, Winston, Lila, Bruce, and Todd. Of course, she’s sure Jess! Otherwise, none of the SVU series would make any sense. Not that it makes much sense, anyway! (I’m basing this solely on 1bruce1 recaps)
And now we have Will’s senior will with a bunch of nonsense. Although I do highly approve of
To Gina and Cherie, a slap.
He does write “JUST KIDDING” afterwards, but we all know that he’s really not.
He also writes, To Jessica, what could have been. Then perhaps you should have been a tad nicer to her and called off your guard dog girlfriend.
Maria wakes up late on graduation day and rushes to her computer to put the finishing touches on her speech. She saves the file, but the computer freezes when she goes to print. Maria panics when her computer suddenly goes dark and she can’t get it to power back up. She grabs the floppy disk out of the A drive (how quaint!) and runs to print the speech on her father’s computer. But her dad’s computer won’t recognize the disk. Maria bursts into tears.
And it’s finally time for the graduation! Elizabeth and Todd walk together and Todd makes cracks about them finally walking down the aisle together. Oh, we so knew he wasn’t over her! Jessica bitches him out and tells him the only reason he’s walking with Elizabeth is because it’s boy-girl. Otherwise, Jessica would have been walking with Elizabeth. Take that, tool!
After they take their seats, Jessica and Elizabeth keep leaning across Todd to talk.
Todd asks, “Hey, you two aren’t going to start fighting over me again, are you?”
Todd continues to make cracks about how their junior year started, neglecting to mention the part where Jessica falsely accused him of date rape.
Elizabeth gets nostalgic, thinking that listening to Jessica and Todd bicker was the perfect end to high school. Todd then asks Elizabeth to go out with him after graduation. Um, my parents would have killed me if I tried to ditch them after graduation!
Elizabeth agrees and Jessica says, “Here we go again.”
This reconciliation seems very sudden, kind of like when David and Donna got married.
Suddenly, it’s time for Elizabeth’s salutatorian speech, but she gets a bad case of stage fright and won’t budge from her seat. Jessica grabs the speech and goes up to the podium in her place. Everyone in the audience immediately figures out that it’s Jessica, because she’s not wearing an honors tassel.
Jessica uses some of Elizabeth’s speech and makes up the rest on the spot. Jessica looks back on the year, saying,
“We’ve lost many friends - Olivia Davidson, Roger Patman, Ronnie Edwards, and Regina Morrow, to name a few.”
Wait, when did we lose Roger Patman? Didn’t he speak at Olivia’s funeral? Was he a ghost then?
Then Jessica bores the crap out of us by talking about athletic and academic victories and the legacy of the Sweet Valley High Class of 2002. Wow, it only took them 19 years to graduate! The Sweet Valley education system knows no bounds.
Maria is up next and keeps it very short. She thanks her graduating class for everything they’ve given to her and for everything they’ve given to each other. Is she talking about a gonorrhea outbreak? Then she declares,
“It’s time to party!”
Well if the outbreak didn’t happen before, it’s about to happen now! Maria leaves the stage and gets a big group hug from Elizabeth, Jessica, Tia, Winston 2.0, Emo McDouche, Ken, Vegan Evan, and Jade. Then, as in all typical fictional graduations, everyone throws their caps in the air and no one loses an eye.
And finally, we close with Jessica’s and Elizabeth’s senior wills. Jessica leaves her sister’s diary to Emo McDouche (ewww!) Jessica leaves a lavaliere necklace (where have you been?), a twin switch, and Eyes and Ears to Elizabeth. Wow, old school SVH! Then Jessica vows never to forget the senior class. Well, she manages to forget all about the El Carro kids, but that’s probably because they all have brown hair.
Elizabeth leaves her ear to Enid (uh, like Van Gogh or figuratively speaking?), her sister’s diary to Jeremy (seriously what is it with these girls and diaries? Did they not learn anything from the whole Ken Matthews fiasco last year?), and the bathroom to Emo McDouche (It sounds like maybe these two started that outbreak at SVH.)
And that was the very end of all of the Sweet Valley series. Kind of a let down, wasn’t it?