In Which No One Actually Gets Married, or SVU #14: Shipboard Wedding
Vacation! Spring break! A wedding! Water-skiing!
I have mixed feelings about this book. When I read it for the first time at age 11 ½ (as I helpfully wrote on the back cover in my 6th grade handwriting…awwww.), I looooved it. It had everything I wanted in a YA book: a vacation and a wedding. It doesn’t get much better than that. Then I read it again a few weeks ago, when I was trying to decide which SVU book I wanted to recap for my 1bruce1 debut, and I decided I HATED it. It was so boring! Nothing happened until the very end! I put it away in disgust. However, reading it again while recapping, I find it has grown on me. Sure, it’s all pretty much filler up until the end, but the end is AWESOME! Todd and Tom DUKE IT OUT! There are THREE pushes into the ocean, which is like pool-pushing but with SHARKS! Every single girl character and at least one boy cries! Lila’s dead husband’s evil brother wants to make Enid Alex Rollins into a supermodel! Bruce tries to break down a door! It’s so ridiculous that it’s great! Plus bonus random magical water-skiing! Okay, here we go.
Alright…I don’t have the first two books in this miniseries, but the ghostwriter helpfully tells us everything that happened, so I can save a few bucks and not try to hunt them down on Amazon. Thanks, ghostwriter! So here it is in a nutshell, to tide you over until the first two books are recapped: when William White died for the first time, he left all his money to Liz. Being Liz, she donated it all to charity but kept enough to pay off her student loans and put a down-payment on some real estate. No, of course not! That would be the responsible thing to do! Instead, she keeps just enough to take herself and all her friends on a spring break Caribbean cruise. This works out nicely for Danny, because his best friend from high school is getting married on the cruise, and now he can afford to go and be best man. Coincidentally, this best friend, Jason, is marrying Tom’s high school girlfriend, Nicole. Only in Sweet Valley. Meanwhile, Tisiano’s eeeevil brother Leonardo shows up to both menace Lila and romance Alex, causing sadness for their boyfriends. Tom makes out with Nicole, and Liz and Danny catch them, causing Liz and Tom to break up, and Liz to get back together with Todd, who dumps Gin-Yung for her. Bryan snits off the cruise for some unknown, but probably lame, reason and decides to live on an island with Caribbean stereotype locals. Winston and Denise get left behind somewhere. And Jessica falls of the boat but is saved by a mysteeeeerious stranger. While trying to find out his identity, she gets arrested for breaking into people’s rooms and is stuck in an island jail somewhere.
Okay. Hopefully that wasn’t terribly confusing for everyone. Here we go.
Isabella and Liz helpfully tell us everything that happened in the last books, and also exposit that at some point, Danny has become a stickler for telling the truth, no matter what, and is debating whether to tell Jason about the kiss. Isabella is against this. Also, because it wouldn’t be Sweet Valley without a dance, even in the Caribbean, it’s Dance Night on the Lido Deck! Todd comes up and asks Liz to dance, as the song playing is a Johnny Buck ballad, and it’s their song from the 6th grade. Continuity?? In MY Sweet Valley?
Jessica, in Island Jail, tries to get released by telling her jailors the “romantic” story of how she was saved from drowning by her guardian angel, and was only breaking into people’s rooms to see if they were him…not to steal anyone’s wedding ring (Oh yeah, the wedding ring is missing). They’re like, nice try, Cinderella. Have fun hanging out in Island Jail until your lawyer gets here.
At the dance, Todd and Liz dance together and she cries all over him while he pretends not to notice. Meanwhile, Tom is filled with RAAAGGGEEE. (There’s a whole lot of watching other people dance together and thinking rage-filled thoughts in this book.)
Lila hears the song and is filled with nostalgia. She thinks maybe Leonardo is right and she has only turned to Bruce because he is someone familiar and comforting. I really feel for Lila right now. Her husband has just died, leaving her a widow at the ripe old age of eighteen, and all her friends basically ignore her to deal with their own dramas. Luckily Bruce has her back. But more on that later.
Gin-Yung sees Todd and Liz together and is filled with RAAAGGGEEEE. Liz is described here as being tall and elegant. Really? 5’6” is considered tall? I’m 5’5” and I never felt particularly tall. Maybe Gin-Yung is just really tiny, or else that last inch makes all the difference. She stomps off the dance floor in a huff and runs into Noah, Alex’s boyfriend. Todd sees Gin-Yung leave and feels all guilty and shit. He thinks he wants to be with her and not Liz, but he can’t dump Liz and go running back to Gin-Yung after dumping Gin-Yung to go running back to Liz. Gin-Yung will think he’s too fickle! Oy.
Isabella finds Danny hiding in a closet. He reveals to her that he stole Nicole’s ring because he thinks without the ring, they won’t get married. Wow. That is Elizabeth Wakefieldian levels of meddling right there! I’m almost impressed! Isabella yells at him and stomps off. She’s the only likable character in this whole book. Except for Denise and Winston. And Bruce. But yeah, everyone else kind of sucks.
Winston and Denise, speaking of which, have opted to not stay on their island and enjoy the rest of their vacation away from the Love Boat from Hell, but instead have rented a boat and are attempting to catch up with the cruise ship. Their boat is now sinking. Of course it is.
Bryan annoys me. Just getting that out there. He is probably my 2nd least favorite character in this book, after Danny. Anyway, he’s hanging out on some island learning how to fish from a local named Jean, who is a stereotypical Caribbean-type dude who I picture as having dreadlocks and saying “ya mon” a lot. (My spellcheck auto-corrected that to “yam on.” Haha. ) Jean literally tells him, “This is the Caribbean! Don’t worry. Be happy!” Bleh.
Nina, after Bryan’s snit fit and departure, has hooked up with a doctor named Richard. Because he’s an arrogant douchebag, I have nicknamed him Dr. Dick. He sucks and Nina hates him.
Leo and Alex are having coffee together. He tells her he wants to take her back to Italy so she can become a model. Um….wait, what?? Alex “Enid” Rollins…a model?! BWAHAHAHA!! Ahem. Sorry. Wow, this book sucks. Anyway, Alex is torn because she loves Noah. She goes off to find him and hopefully work out their issues. Meanwhile, Noah has eavesdropped on their conversation, and misunderstands, thinking Alex is going to find him to break up with him. He breaks up with her before she has the chance. Alex cries and goes running back to Leo. Noah cries too and Gin-Yung totally busts him. She has traded in her elementary school uniform outfit of slacks and loafers for something called a “pouf dress.” They decide to go to the dance together and have a great time so that Todd and Alex will be jealous.
Bruce, meanwhile, is hella pissed at Leo for breaking up him and Lila. He goes up to him to ‘talk things out, man-to-man,’ and Leo informs him that he is taking Lila back to Italy to mourn properly, education be damned, because he is eeeeeevil! Bruce is hella pissed, some more. They start to make with the fisticuffs, but then Lila runs up and breaks it up. Don’t worry, the punching will begin soon. By soon, I mean….not until the end of the book. Sigh.
Tom accosts Liz at the refreshment table, but is such a moron that he basically just stands there and says her name over and over while she glares at him. Then Todd shows up and whisks her away. Tom is so useless.
Sweet Valley police ineptitude has spread to the Caribbean, because some guy shows up at the jail and starts throwing big lawyery words around, and the jailors immediately release Jessica. Without asking the guy for any sort of ID or credentials. Jeez, for all they know he could be some random college kid with a crush on Jess! (Spoiler!!)
Leo goes to see Lila in her room. He’s really sweet to her…until he eeeevilly drops the bomb about moving her to Italy to live in the countryside with Tisiano’s mother. Lila, instead of standing up for herself, or…jeez, involving her parents, just cries. Lila is SUCH a doormat! Hmmm…that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
Danny has taken Jason off somewhere for a talk, so Tom and Nicole are freaking out. Basically, the gist of Nicole’s complaint is that if Jason finds out she cheated, he won’t want to get married anymore, and all of Nicole’s friends will think she’s an idiot. I don’t want to admit this, but Danny is fucking right about Jason and Nicole not being ready for marriage. But still…Danny sucks and should mind his own business. Or if he can’t do that, he should TALK to Jason about it, not go around stealing wedding rings (and worse, but more on that later). I mean, really.
Elizabeth and Nina have a somewhat amusing exchange where they each try to convince the other that they are DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY, DAMNIT! by laughing as loud as they can until everyone in the room stares at them, and Todd gives Liz a dirty look. Heh.
Lila, in order to determine whether it’s too soon to be dating someone new, engages in a mental exercise wherein she imagines that she died in the Jet Ski accident and Tisiano subsequently fell in love with Jess. Hmm, that sounds like our Jess. She is overcome with jealousy and cries some more.
Jason approaches Nicole and Tom and informs them that the wedding is off-the ring is still missing, and Jason doesn’t want to get married without it. Wow, just like Danny planned! Nicole brattily accuses Jason of trying to find excuses not to marry her and he relents and then invites everyone on the ship to the wedding…despite the wedding being tomorrow, and I have no idea how he intends to pay for this, or arrange food and seating for everyone, but hey…the Sweet Valley kids have to be at the wedding somehow!
Jess gets back on the boat, but is chased by the steward who originally turned her in as a burglar. Luckily, the mysterious someone trips him, and Jessica hides in a movie theater.
Noah and Gin-Yung go to the dance. Hurrr, Noah thinks taffeta is a personality disorder. Yes, we know he’s a psych major. *rolls eyes* They start giggling and flirting and rubbing each other’s arms (sexy!), and Alex and Todd both see and are filled with RAAAAAGGGGEEEE!!!
Later, Todd and Liz are dancing again (longest dance EVER) when some policemen come up and arrest Liz for stealing the ring. Todd and Tom both try to defend her, but the policemen just keep shoving them into each other. Slapstick. How delightful. Isabella realizes what’s going on and runs off to get Danny. She tells him what happened, and drags his ass down to the ballroom. Go Isabella! Danny finally admits that he has the ring, and he has it because he likes to meddle, but he doesn’t say anything about the kiss. Jason is rightfully furious, and fires Danny as best man. Oh the irony: he asks Tom (a guy he just met a few days ago, mind you) to be the replacement.
Isabella yells at Danny in his room. God, I hate Danny so much: “I wasn’t interfering, I was intervening. There’s a difference. Interfering is wrong. Intervening is a moral imperative.” My eyes are rolling so hard I think they’re about to pop out of my head. Danny is SO the male version of SVH-era meddly Liz. Isabella agrees with me and thinks Danny is full of shit, so he dumps her, and stomps off. Isabella cries, but I like to think it’s more out of anger at being dumped than sadness over losing Danny, because he is sooooo not even worth it.
Danny decides to go to the movies (yes, the same theater Jess is hiding in), where he happens to run into Nina. They lament about their screwed up relationships and Danny tells her that a relationship should be “like falling forty floors into a pool of Jell-O with your arms around the person you love most in the world.” It’s amazing the things that stick with you; even not having read this book in 10 years (eek, I’m old!), I could have quoted you that line last month. It really…doesn’t mean anything, does it? Oh ghostwriters. Anyway, Nina gives Danny a friendly kiss on the cheek….which of course Jessica witnesses and blows out of proportion, cause it wouldn’t be Sweet Valley without Plot Contrivances!
Stupid Bryan helps Jean with his college applications in exchange for Jean helping him overcome his fear of water (he threw him in the ocean. Awesome.). Wait a tick…Bryan is afraid of water, yet is willing to go on a cruise? Where he will be surrounded by water? Uh, okay. Also, hey Bryan…
(That gray thing is supposed to be a shark’s fin. I kind of fail at MS Paint.)
Anyway, Jean gives Bryan some Caribbean Island Wisdom™ which boils down to: shave and sleep. Oh Jean, you’re so wise and Caribbean.
Next we catch up with Winston and Denise and their boat of doooooom. Winston is cutely trying to cheer Denise up, but even he can’t keep smiling when their boat is surrounded by sharks. They declare their love for each other and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Sniff. Why no, I’m not crying. I merely have something in my eye. Yeah, that’s it.
Jess can’t sleep and finally starts crying. Liz gets up to comfort her, and just then Isabella stops by, in tears. Liz: “Come on in, we’re up and sobbing too.” Heh. Before she can even say anything, Alex comes in and is basically having a full-blown panic attack because somehow she has become trapped in an alternate dimension where people want to make her a supermodel. (Can I just say, most ridiculous storyline EVER, and I just read the one with the vampire journalist.) The girls see Nina and Dr. Dick go by outside and are all like, that bitch.
Ironic cut. Nina is miserable and missing Boring Bryan.
Ooh, a random nonsensical dream sequence! My favorite! Bryan water-skis up to the cruise ship and does some stunts, impressing Nina. He wakes up and tells Jean that his Caribbean Island Wisdom™ was right! The answer came to him in his sleep! The way back to Nina’s heart is through water-skis!
Finally, FINALLY, what we’ve all been waiting for. Tom vs. Todd. Round One. Tom is sleeping outside on a lounge chair because Danny kicked him out of their room (I grudgingly award an awesomeness point to Danny, but he’s still negative 137.) when up saunters Todd. I imagine the theme from A Fistful of Dollars playing while tumbleweeds (or beach towels) blow past them. Todd is like, hey you cheated on Liz! Tom: well you tried to make her have sex with you 13 books earlier when everyone knows that Liz only gives it up for English nobility! Oh, and he calls Todd “pal”. Because he’s a gangster. Well, nobody calls Todd “pal” and gets away with it! He socks Tom right in the jaw, so Tom hits him in the stomach. Then Todd tries to punch him a few more times but Tom keeps ducking out the way. Todd gets frustrated and kicks the lounge chair instead. This magically breaks the tension, and they…sit down to talk things out. Lame! Anyway, Todd confides in Tom that he’s not in love with Liz anymore, and if he acts like he is, it’s only out of habit. Nice! Tom in turn tells him the kiss didn’t mean anything and he only kissed Nicole because Liz was hanging out with Jess all the time (which is no excuse in my book, but whatever). They are instantly best friends and go skipping off, arm in arm, to the all-night coffee shop. Barf. What a letdown.
Winston starts to wake up and hilariously thinks that he’s died and gone to Hell, thanks to the hot sun and some screechy birds. Then he wakes up for real and he and Denise realize they washed up on an island paradise. They decide that they are the new Adam and Eve and go off to find food and water.
Todd and Tom have spent the night together in Todd’s room. Brain. Exploding. They get dressed for the wedding, and go over their dumb-ass plan to get Liz and Tom back together. The plan is this: Todd will push Tom into the pool ocean, and Liz will realize she still loves Tom and jump in to save him. Oy. Why can’t Tom just TALK to her? Why can’t ANY of the couples talk to each other? Why is this so hard?
Jessica goes to see Isabella in her room, to tell her about the fake-kiss, even though it’s none of her business whatsoever, and she totally misinterpreted! However, when she sees how depressed Isabella already is, she decides (for now) to keep her mouth shut.
Leo picks Alex up at her room, and gives her some really expensive “perfectly matched” diamond earrings. On the way to the wedding, they run into Noah and Gin-Yung, and Alex thinks really bitchy thoughts about Gin-Yung and her stupid clothes: “Khaki skirt. White shirt. Blue blazer and loafers. Her heart sank. If this was what Noah wanted in a woman, it just wasn’t Alex. And it never would be.” Oh, like you’re one to talk! You used to be Enid Rollins! Give me a break.
Noah and Gin-Yung look at Leo and Liz and feel really outclassed. Noah tries to cheer Gin-Yung up a little by giving her a present: “These aren’t diamonds, but they are perfectly matched and they just might bring you luck.” They’re two pennies: one for each loafer. Heh. I actually like Noah and Gin-Yung’s friendship. It feels real to me, and there aren’t too many genuine cross-gender friendships in Sweet Valley, when you think about it. Does anyone know if these two ever hang out again?
Lila is getting ready, but decides her pretty dress isn’t fitting for a widow and puts on something ugly instead. No Lila! Don’t hide your light! When she gets to the wedding, the music reminds her of her own wedding, and she gets sad. Bruce sweetly tries to give her a hug, but then she sees Leo glaring eeeeevilly at her so she runs away.
Oh for Pete’s sake. Despite not even knowing how to swim a few days ago, Bryan has magically learned how to water-ski in three hours. He bribes a random old dude into taking him out to the ship so he can impress Nina with his mad water-skiing skillz. Jean and Bryan say goodbye (well, I bet Jean says good riddance).
Denise and Winston find a fresh-water stream and frolic about in their island paradise. They are refreshingly cute, but before they can start repopulating the island, or anything like that, they are both hit on the head by the Others errant golf balls. Guess that island wasn’t so deserted after all. Wah wah.
Finally, only 179 pages into the book, we get to the titular shipboard wedding. Lila sits and thinks to herself that she is her own woman, worthy of making her own decisions, and she will NOT be moving to Italy to live with old people! “The thought of sitting around moldering while Enid Rollins became an international supermodel, going to exciting parties and exotic places, was almost more than she could bear.” Hee! But just then the lights flicker and for a second Leo looks just like Tisiano, which Lila takes as a sign from her dead husband. And she was so close to getting back to her old awesome self!
Jessica is seated between two girls who rudely keep talking over her. She offers to switch places with one of them, but they both want to sit by their boyfriends. This makes Jess all understandably depressed as she is single at a wedding, and I have to agree that that kind of sucks. The ceremony begins and all the bridesmaids are dressed in skanky tropical outfits, complete with belly shirts and sarongs. Jess decides that her next wedding will be tropical, but she gets frustrated when she can’t fantasize about her mystery man being the groom, because she doesn’t know what he looks like. At this point in the book, I started wishing that her mystery dude was all Phantom of the Operaed out or something, but alas. The truth is ever so much more boring.
Water-skiing excursion of boring-ness. The boat breaks down, and it’s ever so dramatic. The old dude is too slow, so Bryan takes it upon himself to fix the boat. If this were a movie, this is the part where I’d get up to use the bathroom and fix myself a sandwich.
Nicole walks down the aisle and the Captain (oh ho, so they’re having a FAKE wedding, I get it) makes stupid sailing metaphors, and Danny starts rolling his eyes and being a pill. I am of two minds on this. On the one hand, be respectful Danny! God! On the other…stupid sailing metaphors. Meh. Finally, the Captain gets to the part about speaking now or forever holding one’s peace, and OF COURSE, Danny jumps up and accuses Nicole of cheating on Jason. So, OF COURSE, Jessica jumps up and accuses him of being a hypocrite and cheating on Isabella with Nina. And, OF COURSE, Isabella jumps up and starts shooting the messenger all over the place. Nicole runs off. A bridesmaid faints. I wish any of the weddings I’ve been to were half this exciting.
All the guests are running around like chickens without heads when Jason goes up to Danny and starts trying to fight him. Nicole runs up and admits that it’s true, she made out with Tom, and then runs off again. She tries to hijack a lifeboat and take off for parts unknown, but she fails at life and falls into the ocean. And with her heavy ass wedding dress, she’s a goner.
Or not. Danny redeems himself SLIGHTLY by jumping in to save her. Then Jason punches Tom in the face and he falls overboard. It’s not quite the plan, but Tom just goes with it and starts pretending to drown. Danny “saves” him, and Tom is like, get lost, bonehead. Danny is hilariously confused, and Tom goes back to drowning.
Unfortunately, Liz is too busy trying to mediate the brewing fight between Nina and Isabella to save Tom. So…Todd picks her up and throws her overboard. I…was not expecting that! Awesome! Once in the water together, Tom DOES NOT apologize to Liz, but is just like, yeah I kissed her, but I still love you, so whaddaya say? Liz is not impressed. So Tom goes back to drowning.
In all the confusion, Noah takes the opportunity to punch Leo in the face. Just then Bruce comes up and is like, aw shucks, you beat me to it. Noah tries to play it off like Leo fell, but ol’ Bruce is too smart for that one. Alex rushes to Leo’s side and asks what happened. Noah and Bruce in unison: “He fell.” Heh. But even Alex isn’t fooled, and is super turned on by Noah’s manly punching action.
Danny “saves” Tom again, he tells him to get lost again, and Liz starts cracking up. The tension broken, they…start a splash fight. Okay.
Bruce goes to see Lila, but she has locked herself in her room and refuses to see him. Finally he decides to break her door down, but she opens it at the last minute and they make out and decide to get the hell off this crazy boat and get themselves to a spa. Yay!
So by now, basically everyone has either fallen/been pushed/jumped into the ocean, except for Jess, who is feeling mighty left out. So she decides to fake drowning again to attract the attention of her mystery man.
Isabella and Nina sort out their misunderstanding, and just then, Nina looks out at the ocean to see Bryan and his magical water-skis. Of course, the old dude doesn’t want to run over all the people who are chillin in the ocean, so he swerves and Bryan wipes out. HA ha! Nina dives in to save him and they make up and make out.
Gin-Yung pushes Todd into the ocean. I knew I liked her, ugly clothes and all.
Danny apologizes to Isabella but no matter what he says to her, she won’t let him hug her. Danny is like, why the hell not? He’s all wet and her dress is rayon. High-larious.
Jessica pretends to drown, but because everyone else is cavorting around the Caribbean like it’s a giant, shark-infested swimming pool, no one can hear her, so she gives up and just floats. Then she hears someone calling her name for help. It’s her mystery man! And he’s drowning for reals! Once they get back on the ship, she gets a good look at him, and…..OMG IT’S RANDY MASON! !!!1!!!1
Leo wakes up and Alex immediately tells him that no thank you, she will NOT be moving to Italy to be a supermodel, but instead is getting back together with Noah. (Do the two have to be mutually exclusive? Just asking.) Leo has been magically cured of his evilness, and decides to give Lila and Bruce his blessing. Ahh, punching. What can’t it fix?
Lila and Bruce have hijacked a lifeboat and are wandering about on an island together, because they are awesome. Just then Winston and Denise run up and explain about the whole washing up on the golf course thing. Bruce and Lila try to sneak off to be alone again, but alas, the ship has docked, and everyone they wanted to avoid is right there, even Leo, who gives Bruce a big ol’ European kiss on the cheek, and then I guess takes off back to Italy where he will continue to seduce young girls with promises to make them into supermodels.
Jess and Randy talk about what a nerd he used to be back in the day. It says in the book that Randy’s family moved away after 6th grade, and he and Jess never saw each other again, but I know he was around in SVH whenever they needed a stereotypical nerd. I hate when the ghostwriters lie. Anyway, he didn’t want her to remember him as a nerd, so he decided to become her creepy stalker/guardian angel instead. I guess it worked, ‘cause they make out.
And we end with Tom and Liz making out in a corner somewhere.
THE END!