SVH #61 - Boy Trouble
Get a load of the caption on this cover: Patty’s life is falling apart. Can Elizabeth help?
So, we all know this book is going to suck. Indeed it does. Thankfully, Liz’s role is surprisingly minimal. What struck me as very innovative is the fact that in this book, Liz is not the worst part. Instead, you want to bitch slap everyone.
We open at lunch, where Liz is discussing her new column for the Oracle that features interviews with seniors about their plans for the future. She’s calling it “Personal Profiles.” Ingenious. In fact, Patty Gilbert (the main character in this book and therefore Liz’s new BFF and first profiled person) comments on what a catchy title it is. Really?
This is as bad as the time Liz won a contest by naming a popular radio program “The Awesome Hour.”
To sum Patty up, she’s a senior, her best friend is DeeDee (DD), and her boyfriend Jim goes to Pacific College. It has never been important to know more about her. It still isn’t important, but apparently Liz cares; ergo, so do we. (Or do we? You be the judge.)
In the last book I recapped, Patty told DD not to be too clingy to her boyfriend. In this book, however, Patty is desperate. I mean DESPERATE. She hasn’t seen Jim in a month (gasp!) and thinks their whole relationship “depends” on spending time with him this weekend when he comes home.
In a coincidence that only happens in Sweet Valley, Patty’s sister Jana has big news and is coming home from San Francisco this weekend! Oh noes! Jim will be there!! What will she do??
As cell phones don’t yet exist, Patty can’t get a hold of Jim. She assumes he must be out on a date (I told you she was desperate). Anyway, Jim comes home and this “risqué for Sweet Valley” moment happens:
Jim wiggled his eyebrows. “Maybe we could kiss for a couple of hours,” he suggested. “Then we could catch our breath and kiss for a couple more.”
I have no comment. I’m clutching my pearls for Patty right now!
Then again, he is a college man.
Jim and Patty then have a pointless fight where Jim is a little bitch because Patty wants to spend time with her sister and he’s like, “I drove two hours for nothing?”
Dude, you already said you just want to kiss. You should have already known you drove two hours for nothing.
Patty, in return, is a bitch and accuses him of dating someone else. They’re both upset. I’m upset. They break up. I’m no longer upset, as I think they could both do better.
Ok, moving on to the book’s best scene yet (which, arguably, doesn’t take much).
Patty sniffles her way home and walks in to find her sister next to a “tall, broad-shouldered young black man in a crisp uniform.” This is Ted, her sister’s fiancé that no one knew she was dating! What is it with Sweet Valley characters marrying random people quickly?
This is Ted’s little unintentionally hilarious speech about himself: “I graduated from the University of Pennsylvania. Then, since I’d wanted to fly from the time I was a boy, I decided to join the Air Force. After I got through training, the service sent me to San Francisco for a year. My assignment there is nearly up… In three weeks, I leave for West Germany.”
Ah, the time before the fall of the Berlin Wall.
There are so many things wrong with his speech I don’t know where to start. First, “the service”???? Sent him to SAN FRANCISCO??? He drove from San Francisco to Sweet Valley in his uniform???? WEST GERMANY?????
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the military - I mean, the service - sends all its new recruits to San Fran. It is, after all, such a huge military town… ????
So. What do we get out of this? Jana and Ted need to be married in two weeks. And, also, dude loves his uniform. He wears it multiple times in this book for no real reason except to remind you that he’s in “the service.”
Patty only contributes to this scene by being a bitch and whining that she’s now losing her sister too. Boo effing hoo.
Patty is now upset that Jana is planning her wedding instead of listening to her whine about Jim. So, Patty doesn’t tell Jana that she and Jim broke up. DD, who Patty does tell, brilliantly suggests that Patty goes on a double date with her, Bill, and Bill’s friend Craig. Patty isn’t sure she’s ready to date again but goes anyway.
Here’s where I’m thinking that Jim might show up where their date is, just to get this plot rolling. I mean, I’m not psychic, but I’m just sayin…
Oh look, I’m right. They go to the movies and watch some love story (wtf? Two dudes picked this film??!!) and, as they’re leaving, Craig has his arm around Patty (gasp!!!! That has to be at LEAST second base in Sweet Valley!!), and they see Jim with some girl!!! More misunderstandings ensue.
On the phone later, Patty accuses Jim again of cheating on her and won’t listen to him explain about the movie. In exchange, she’s upset that Jim doesn’t trust HER enough to accept that Craig is only a friend. Or, as I noted above, a friend with benefits. Good grief. They hang up.
Liz calls Patty the next morning to interview her. Upon learning that Patty is upset, Liz invites Patty to her house. This is what Patty ACTUALLY THINKS: There was no one more genuinely kind and sympathetic than Elizabeth Wakefield.
…. And I’m back from vomiting.
Liz then reminisces about Todd and DJ Jeff, who (of course) at this point isn’t yet a DJ but still does rock. Liz, for once, is correct and tells Patty this might just be a misunderstanding. Patty agrees and drives to Jim’s house but sees him outside playing Frisbee with the girl from the theater, so she keeps driving.
I fail to see how Patty thinks playing Frisbee is a date, as it seems perfectly G-rated to me, but whatever. I also fail to care.
There’s some more bitching by Patty about her sister’s wedding planning and how their talk of love makes her miss Jim even more, but I’ll spare you. Jana is stressed about the wedding and after Patty is unable to find the words to tell her about breaking up with Jim, Patty takes the second best course of action: she yells that she’s sick of the wedding, doesn’t want to be maid of honor, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with the wedding in general. Patty now doesn’t even plan to attend it. Like I said, the book is full of bitches.
Patty is serious about what she said. She misses her only sister’s bridal shower. I know, right?
St. Liz saves the day, however! She’s discovered that the girl Jim was with was his cousin! She drives over to Patty’s house and, as Patty isn’t home, she mentions the news to Jana. Liz just can’t keep a secret. Patty gets home then and Liz tells her the news.
After hearing what Liz has to say, Patty writes Jim a truly horrific letter from the bottom of her heart. It is seriously too bad to quote here, but I’ll sum it up for you:
Dear Jim,
My bad. Do you still love me? Check yes or no.
No, seriously. That’s it. She doesn’t even sign it. Patty thinks it’s the most heartfelt thing she’s ever written.
She doesn’t send it.
Patty and Jana still aren’t talking, but Patty ends up driving Jana to her final dress fitting, missing dance class in the process. Seeing Jana in her wedding dress somehow makes everything okay again and the two sisters hug it out bitch.
Jana then listens to Patty complain about Jim, though the whole story “only took moments to tell.” What the hell, ghostwriter? A few moments??? It took over a hundred pages for me to slosh through this crap and Patty can get it out in mere MOMENTS? How come Patty isn’t writing this book?
Jana takes a page out of Liz’s book of meddling and mails Patty’s letter to Jim. FYI, after reading this, I made my sister swear never to do this to me.
The rehearsal dinner. Yawn. Ted actually leaves his own rehearsal dinner to pick up Jim and bring him to Sweet Valley for the wedding. Ted is now the only person I like in this book, as he KNEW it was sucking and left!!
The wedding. Another yawn. Oh, but Jim’s there and he and Patty make up. Yawn.
The b-plot barely redeems the book. Allow me:
DD is painting shirts to sell at a craft fair. The way they’re described, it sounds like she’s using puff paint. All the t-shirts are a size Large because, as DD explains, “Most people like to wear shirts big these days.” I guess this way, they’ll be huge on everyone in Sweet Valley except Lois.
Jess, trying to meet new guys, decides to scope out the scene at the craft fair. Here’s what she discovers: The male artisans all seemed to be either as old as her grandfather or else skinny, earnest, earthy types in flip flops and raggedy clothes.. Raggedy clothes? Where do these people live? I know it ain’t Sweet Valley!
Jess watches DD’s booth for a few minutes while DD eats and meets some guy named Vincent, who wants to sell DD’s shirts in his boutique. Jess thinks he’s hitting on her instead of actually trying to buy something at a craft fair. I almost admire her misplaced confidence.
Vincent calls the Wakefield house, under the impression that Jess is the artist who conquered the puff paint landscape. Check this out:
Elizabeth answered the call. She held the receiver out toward her twin. “Jess, it’s for you. A guy,” she added in a whisper.
Jessica stifled a yawn. “Maybe it’s time we get an unlisted number,” Jessica said, “to discourage the undesirables.”
First, why is Liz surprised that a guy is calling for Jessica? Second, if they got an unlisted number, all the creeps could not stalk the twins, which means no more Sweet Valley books. What would this series be like if they had an unlisted number?
Needless to say, Vincent was only interested in the shirts, Jess couldn’t forge them, and he ends up calling DD. Ho hum.
The end of the book sets up #62, Who’s Who?, which we all remember as the book with the best fictional name EVAH, Magenta Galaxy.