#84: Romeo and 2 Juliets
Wow, what choice for my first-ever recap. This book has it all! Action, malice, nervous giggles, and best of all, a Jess-Lila bet.
Here’s the cover. Not much to mock here, as these are actually the least-ridiculous outfits I’ve ever seen the Sweet Valley characters wear.
Look at that crazy "2." I remember hating that. Still kind of do.
We open with Leslie Forsythe, a character I’ve never heard of, sneezing. Jessica laughs, not because Leslie has left snot on her face or something mildly funny, but because everyone in the middle school has been getting sick lately, it’s become a joke. Um, ok. One, that’s not funny, and two, people don’t catch colds in Sweet Valley, just cancer. Anyway, Mr. Bowman hands out copies of “Romeo and Juliet” to the class. Jessica feels “a flicker of happy surprise.” TMI, Jess. Her take on this literary masterpiece: “She had never actually read it or seen the movie, but she knew it was about love and that it had some teenagers in it.” Her spirit breaks a little when she tries actually reading the poetry, and doesn’t see anything about “going on dates or kissing.” Dennis Cookman scoffs at the play, says it’s for girls, and tries handing it to Amy Sutton. Anyone else find that odd? Jessica notices Elizabeth reading the script earnestly at her desk, and here we get the description of how the twins are so alike, yet so different. Jessica sighs loudly, and Mr. Bowman asks her what’s wrong. There’s a lot of buildup about how Jessica doesn’t like to be called on in class, but this time it’s different. This time, she knows exactly what she wants to say! Wait for it, wait for it…”This stuff is too hard to read.” Oh, Jessica. That’s when Mr. Bowman shares that they’re not going to read it, they’re going to ACT it. Um, I’d think acting it would require the students to actually read the play, but this is Sweet Valley. Then he says that, “Shakespeare is also music, and we must learn to hear his melodies.” This is one of those books where Jessica is an amazing singer, and also an incredible idiot, which she proves when she starts looking for the opening number. She shares this with Mr. Bowman, leading to a rare and delightful moment of humility.
In the next scene, Jessica and Lila are sitting at the Unicorner, arguing over who is more qualified to play Juliet. That’s when Bruce Patman comes over and says the part belongs to Maria Slater, former child star. First of all, isn’t Bruce in seventh grade? How does he know and why does he care about a sixth-grade play? Second, minus twelve for the ghost writer, who tells us that while the other Unicorns smooth their hair and bat their eyelashes at Bruce, Jessica thinks he’s rude and conceited. Isn’t that Elizabeth? Then they find out that Maria wants to work “behind the scenes” (total curtain-puller). Jessica is relieved. More Lila-Jess bickering, until they make a bet that whoever does not get the part of Juliet has to wear the face warts meant for Juliet’s nurse for a week after the production. I love how they’re so certain they’re each other’s only competition.
After school, Elizabeth and Amy spend an hour reading the play out loud in Elizabeth’s room. They sigh over how sad and romantic it is, and Amy hilariously tries to compare her relationship with Ken to that of Romeo and Juliet. Elizabeth counters each claim, and then Amy admits she’s not the romantic heroine type, but Liz is. Not only does she have a boyfriend in Todd Wilkins, but she’s also, “always saving people from drowning and taking big risks to help others.” Ha!
Jessica spends the weekend rehearsing Juliet’s lines, and the entire Wakefield clan stops and listens, captivated by Jessica’s brilliant delivery. My parents would have told me to shut up because they were watching TV.
The next day, Amy’s back for a sleepover and Jessica tells her and Elizabeth about the bet with Lila. Amy remarks that it sounds like there’s no such thing as friends in the Unicorn Club. Relax, Amy. It’s not like they’re spreading rumors about who stole the class money or lying about why their houses burned down or coming back to town total cold biatches. The next morning, the girls wake up to Jessica croaking her way through Juliet’s speech in the bathroom. Uh-oh…it seems she’s come down with the Sweet Valley Middle School Cold (SVMSC)!! Elizabeth worries what this will mean for her. Her, as in Elizabeth. Because she’s so selfless. She runs into Lila and Janet at the mall, on the hunt for dark foundation because Juliet’s Italian (I found that really funny for some reason). She worries even more when Lila reveals that she’s ordered a professional costume from New York and she’s been practicing her lines with Tom McKay. Ha! Well, Romeo and Juliet is ironic, isn’t it?
Anyway, Lila and Janet tell Liz that they won’t let Jess out of the bet on a technicality. With hardly any effort at all, Jess convinces Liz to audition in her place. So Elizabeth goes to school pretending to be Jessica and then pretends to be Jessica pretending to be Juliet. She’s super nervous, but comforts herself with the knowledge that if she bombs, she doesn’t embarrass herself, she embarrasses Jessica. You know, because she’s so selfless. She auditions with…Todd Wilkins, her sort-of boyfriend, and a shoe-in Romeo.
The following scene is actually pretty cute, Liz first forgets the lines, then giggles uncontrollably. She shapes up when she sees Lila smirking, and Mr. Bowman basically grants her the role on the spot. Liz is thrilled! Then she realizes…the role is Jessica’s. Liz’s heart sinks into her stomach.
Jessica is thrilled! She’s also magically not sick anymore. “Look at me, I’m almost as beautiful I was before.” Oh, Jessica. I love you at times. Predictably, Liz feels used, jealous, exploited and angry, and bad for feeling used, jealous, exploited, and angry. But not bad enough. She decides she must tell Jessica that she wants the part. Obviously, this doesn’t go over so well. At school, they don’t make it a secret that they’re fighting, but no one knows why. Lila has a feeling it has something to do with the play, because she’s awesome.
Either Elizabeth grows a huge set of balls in this book, or crazy Margo was lurking backstage at the middle school for awhile during the twins’ youth. While Jessica is getting ready for rehearsal, Lizzie assumes her identity and goes onstage. Elizabeth walks backstage, and Jessica hurls her backpack at her, then takes her spot. Then Elizabeth locks Jessica in the bathroom. It’s all action-packed, this book. Then Jessica actually threatens to KILL Elizabeth. KILL. And Elizabeth just LAUGHS.
At dinner, Jessica sneaks pepper into Elizabeth’s napkin so she’ll sneeze and Alice the Wonderparent will think she’s sick and make her stay home from school. And it WORKS. But she shows up at rehearsal the next day anyway, physically attacks Jessica, rips her t-shirt, and takes her place onstage. Elizabeth is crazy.
Jessica goes to the locker room to get clothes that aren’t ripped. Lila tricks her into admitting she’s Jessica, and the wrong Juliet is onstage. She awesomely blackmails her into canceling the warts and letting her go onstage to perform for a bit during the actual play. In return, she will make sure Jessica is the Juliet that performs during the show. Lila explains that professional costumers send two of everything…one for the actress, and one for the understudy. This is how they will make sure Liz doesn’t get onstage. Amy finds out that Elizabeth is pretending to be Jessica pretending to be Juliet, but it’s not nearly as fun a scene.
Showtime! Before Jessica leaves for school that night, Mrs. Wakefield asks her to bring the cold medicine to Elizabeth. Jessica realizes this will make Liz fall asleep. Evil grin. Liz is already at school, I guess she’s supposedly helping out with scenery or something.
Liz, Amy, and Maria Slater former child star conspire against Jess and Lila to get the costumes. Jess and Lila stupidly roll the costumes right past all of them backstage. Amy and Maria fake a scenery malfunction, and Liz ends up with a costume, and tricks Lila into thinking she’s Jess while Jess is buried under heaps of velvet. I know it’s a little late to be saying this, but this is so contrived. How would they even know that Jessica and Lila were going to push the costumes through there, and when? Why didn’t Jessica and Lila just WEAR the costumes to the school, since they were at Lila’s house anyway?
Anyway. Jess and Li figure out what happened, and decide to poison Elizabeth with the cold medicine (oh the parallels to the play!). Rather than Lila pretending she still thinks Elizabeth is Jessica, they give Mandy a poisoned can of soda to give to Amy to give to Jessica aka Elizabeth. Amy gets confused and decides to give it to a nervous Todd, who’s previously asked Elizabeth-as-Jessica to just kiss him on the cheek rather than the lips during the play, because he’s coming down with the SVMSC. Gulp!
Jessica beats Elizabeth onstage for the first scene. The audience applauds at the mere sight of a Wakefield twin. Todd yawns. Because of the cold medicine, obviously, but Jess doesn’t know that. Next, the balcony scene! Elizabeth pops up from beneath the balcony so Jess can’t beat her there. This time it’s Jessica that resorts to physical attacks. Then the curtain drops. The twins fight, and Liz still screams her lines from behind the curtain. Todd is oblivious to the goings-on. The audience roars with laughter.
Death scene! Todd falls asleep onstage while Elizabeth lies there not knowing what to do. I know he has more lines, but I don’t get why she didn’t just go on with her own. Oh, because it gave Jessica a chance to be a hero and go onstage as Romeo (understudy Tom McKay was home sick with the SVMSC). The twins make up, Mr. Bowman lets them wear warts for a day rather than taking an F for the project, and we close with Elizabeth telling Amy her parents gave her a lecture (!) because she’s so mature and they expected better from her. Liz worries she can’t quite measure up, and there we have our prelude to “Elizabeth the Seventh-Grader.”