SVJH #15, Hands Off
This book pretty much doesn’t contribute to the SVJH story arcs at all. It taps into Salvador’s thing for Elizabeth and Lacey’s ‘tude, but other than that it’s series filler. So I don’t feel too guilty about recapping it in this style.
I really like the models they use for the twins for the JH covers. And this was always one of my favourite covers. It's so cute! And purple!
Now, I get the impression that many people are somewhat unfamiliar with the SVJH characters. The ones who appear in this books are Salvador (had a thing with Liz which fell to pieces but he still likes her), Anna (Salvador's bff), Lacey (The Lila of the series who is actually nothing like Lila at all), Victoria (Lacey's pregnant stepmother) and Kristin (Lacey's bff who is the nicest percon evar) and Damon (Jess's boyfriend). Um, I think that's all.
Oh, Liz and Jess are pretty much different people too. For instance, Liz isn't a doormat and Jess isn't a sociopath.
RICHARD: Hi, I was in a previous book and I have hot eyes.
ELIZABETH: Woah.
RICHARD: My aunt is a famous journalist.
ELIZABETH: Woah.
RICHARD: We totally connected in that previous book I was in. Want to go out after school?
ELIZABETH: “Connected” is a suspiciously vague word, but sure!
SALVADOR: I love Elizabeth so much.
ELIZABETH: Richard is totally hot!!!
ANNA: omg his eyes!!!
SALVADOR: *sulks*
LACEY: I’m badass and cool because I’m grumpy and a smoker.
KRISTIN: Since when is smoking even cool?
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Get lost, never-heard-of-before-or-since-story-filler.
MISSY: Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Now I must go think up a devious plan to get out of constantly baby-sitting Penelope…
RICHARD: I’m going to read your palm as a thinly veiled excuse to hold your hand.
ELIZABETH: *swept off feet*
LACEY: *hangs around, sneers, kicks some puppies*
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s hang out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Get lost plz.
MISSY: Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Ohnowait! I’ve formulated a devious plan to get out of baby-sitting and it involves Missy!
RICHARD’S FRIENDS: A Wakefield twin! Score!
RICHARD: Yeah, she’s got it bad for me. The locker room is a good place to brag about this.
RICHARD’S FRIENDS: You’ve dated 537 girls this year, man.
RICHARD: I’m pretty much a stud.
SALVADOR: *seethes*
DAMON: Hi readers, I’m here too.
SALVADOR: Jessica, I need your help! Richard is a devious monster who will use Elizabeth just like he has tons of other girls and break her heart into a thousand tiny pieces! Help me convince her to break up with him before it’s too late!
JESSICA: Get over Liz, you loser.
SALVADOR: Damon was there, ask him!
JESSICA: No.
RICHARD: I’m going to flirt with the hot waitress at the ice cream place!
ELIZABETH: And I’m going to overlook it!
RICHARD: *kisses Liz*
ELIZABETH: *swoon*
JESSICA: Is Richard really a player who will break Liz’s heart into a thousand tiny pieces?
DAMON: Yep.
JESSICA: Ohnoes!
LACEY: *angsts about hating Victoria (her stepmother)*
ELIZABETH: Richard kissed me!
JESSICA: He’s using you. Salvador told me.
ELIZABETH: What! He’s just jealous because he still likes me! How could you believe him! I hate you!
JESSICA: Damon told me too!
ELIZABETH: *blocks ears and hums*
LACEY: I’m insulting people’s fashion sense to their faces as a healthy outlet for my internal rage.
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll join you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: I’ll let you because I need you for my devious plan. I’ll also invite you to my house tomorrow night as part of said plan. Hey, aren’t you wearing a similar outfit to what I wore yesterday?
JESSICA: We need a plan.
SALVADOR: How about this letter I wrote to Liz from Richard? She’ll never guess it’s really from me!
JESSICA: *dies laughing*
JESSICA’S GHOST: I’ll take care of the plan. I’m pretty good at manipulating people, even though this series kind of muted that part of my personality.
ELIZABETH: Jess and Salvador are talking? They must be conspiring against me! My feelings are very hurt by this betrayal!
JESSICA: I can put up with Liz hating me, as it’s for the greater good of getting her away from that loser.
ELIZABETH: Oh I see Richard flirting with another girl again, maybe Jess and Salvador were telling the truth!
RICHARD: I brought you flowers!
ELIZABETH: Awww. Nevermind.
JESSICA: Hi Liz! I’m sorry. Would you and Richard like to go on a double date with me and Damon?
ELIZABETH: This might just be one of Jessica’s schemes. But sure!
PENELOPE: I am Lacey’s three-year-old half sister.
DOORBELL: *rings*
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!! I’m dressed like you again!!!!!!!!!! Hi small child!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: I’m going to, uh, go get a movie. Watch Penelope! *runs*
…
LACEY: I’ve been away for hours, surely Missy won’t be mad!
MISSY: I creepily ransacked your room!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m also not stupid. Where are the videos, lady?
LACEY: Uh, want to hang out tomorrow as well?
MISSY: Sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: *congratulates self*
RICHARD: *studies*
ELIZABETH: He’s so pretty when he studies.
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: Whatevs, I’ll call back!
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: Whatevs, I’ll call back!
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: *long pause* … I’ll call back!
ELIZABETH: Let’s take a break.
RICHARD: Why yes, I’d love to walk you home!
ELIZABETH: …that’s not what I meant, but okay.
RICHARD: *moody silence*
ELIZABETH: Frowny! I must have done something wrong!
SALVADOR: *ring ring* Hi Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH: Don’t talk to me again until you grow up and accept that Richard is my boyfriend *hangs up*
SALVADOR: *bes sad*
JESSICA: *ring ring* Hi Salvador.
SALVADOR: Sorry, but don’t you hate me?
JESSICA: Yes. But Damon bailed on our bowling double date, can you fill in?
SALVADOR: Are you asking me out? LOLLERSKATES!!
JESSICA: No! I just need help exposing Richard! In or out?
SALVADOR: In.
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Hi, gotta go, watch Penelope! *runs*
…
LACEY: Hello, I’m back.
MISSY: Stop using me as an unpaid baby-sitter!
LACEY: Okay, sorry. I’ll take you to a concert to make up for it.
PENELOPE: Missy is so awesome and fun!
SALVADOR: Hi Elizabeth, I am here as Jessica’s date even though we hate each other. That’s not suspicious at all, right?
ELIZABETH: Wrong! I can’t believe Jessica set me up! That was so unlikely!
…
ELIZABETH: I’m really bad at bowling, is that part of canon anywhere else?
JESSICA: So Richard… you’re pretty much a jerk, right?
RICHARD: Wha?
ELIZABETH: Stoppit!
VICTORIA: Penelope seems to have an imaginary friend called Missy. Lacey, if she mentions Missy to you, tell her firmly that Missy does not exist.
LACEY: …
RICHARD: Hey Liz.
JESSICA: Dude, I’m Jessica. Can’t you recognise your own girlfriend?
RICHARD: You’re identical twins! I don’t think Liz wears barrettes in these books, how am I supposed to know who’s who?
JESSICA: Urgh. Salvador, we have to do something about this guy. Let’s go on a fake date, that will surely break them up somehow.
ELIZABETH: Why does Richard hate me all of a sudden?
JESSICA AND SALVADOR: We’re going on a date!
ELIZABETH: That’s so weird, but I’m too depressed to care.
LACEY: Hey Missy, busy tonight?
MISSY: Yes. Now excuse me while I sullenly back my backpack that looks eerily similar to one of your old ones. For some reason I am still copying you, even though the illusion of your coolness has been shattered for me.
LACEY: Please come over?
MISSY: No. You treat me like dirt.
LACEY: I swear we’ll hang out tonight! Coming?
MISSY: …Okay.
ELIZABETH: Hi Richard, can I sit with you?
RICHARD: I guess.
ELIZABETH AND RICHARD: *awkward silence*
RICHARD: I gotta go see my English teacher.
ELIZABETH: :(
SALVADOR: Hey yo, Elizabeth is my friend! If you want to hurt her, you’ll have to go through me!
RICHARD: Uh… are you actually trying to fight me?
SALVADOR: You bet! Bring it, punk!
RICHARD: …
ELIZABETH: Salvador! I thought you were my friend! *cries*
SALVADOR: I made her cry :( I hate myself.
MISSY: Hi!!
LACEY: I’m not even going to try and talk to her this time. *runs*
MISSY: She did it again! I am overwhelmed by the surprise! Oh well, I’ll pass the time by being creepy and trying on her clothes.
PENELOPE: Yay!
MISSY: That was fun. Hey, let’s be even creepier and try on Victoria’s clothes!
…
VICTORIA: *arrives home* Wtf? Who are you and why are you wearing my clothes?
…
LACEY: O hai, I was late back. Whoops.
VICTORIA AND LACEY’S DAD: Grrr Lacey!
MISSY: *smirk*
ELIZABETH: *ring ring* Hi Richard’s mother, is Richard there?
RICHARD: (in background) Whatevs, I’ll call back!
SOME GIRL: (in background) *giggle*
ELIZABETH: *angrily slams phone* I’ll show him!
…
ELIZABETH: *rings doorbell* Hi Richard! Can I come in?
RICHARD: Why are you here?? I am suspiciously freaked out by your unannounced appearance!
SOME GIRL: (in background) What’s going on?
ELIZABETH: We’re breaking up! You’re a jerk! I’m saying this loudly so that girl will hear me!
RICHARD: Okay. Bye!
ELIZABETH :’(
JESSICA: Don’t be sad! You awesomely broke up with him and told him off for being a jerk!
ELIZABETH: I guess. But I’m still sad.
JESSICA: I’ll take care of you, because I’m actually a pretty sweet person in the Junior High books and can convey my sisterly love in a non vomit inducing way. Now let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry icecream!
SALVADOR: Hi.
ELIZABETH: I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
SALVADOR: That’s okay.
ELIZABETH: Were you and Jess on a real date?
SALVADOR: No.
RICHARD: *walks past*
The end.
I really like the models they use for the twins for the JH covers. And this was always one of my favourite covers. It's so cute! And purple!
Now, I get the impression that many people are somewhat unfamiliar with the SVJH characters. The ones who appear in this books are Salvador (had a thing with Liz which fell to pieces but he still likes her), Anna (Salvador's bff), Lacey (The Lila of the series who is actually nothing like Lila at all), Victoria (Lacey's pregnant stepmother) and Kristin (Lacey's bff who is the nicest percon evar) and Damon (Jess's boyfriend). Um, I think that's all.
Oh, Liz and Jess are pretty much different people too. For instance, Liz isn't a doormat and Jess isn't a sociopath.
RICHARD: Hi, I was in a previous book and I have hot eyes.
ELIZABETH: Woah.
RICHARD: My aunt is a famous journalist.
ELIZABETH: Woah.
RICHARD: We totally connected in that previous book I was in. Want to go out after school?
ELIZABETH: “Connected” is a suspiciously vague word, but sure!
SALVADOR: I love Elizabeth so much.
ELIZABETH: Richard is totally hot!!!
ANNA: omg his eyes!!!
SALVADOR: *sulks*
LACEY: I’m badass and cool because I’m grumpy and a smoker.
KRISTIN: Since when is smoking even cool?
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Get lost, never-heard-of-before-or-since-story-filler.
MISSY: Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Now I must go think up a devious plan to get out of constantly baby-sitting Penelope…
RICHARD: I’m going to read your palm as a thinly veiled excuse to hold your hand.
ELIZABETH: *swept off feet*
LACEY: *hangs around, sneers, kicks some puppies*
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s hang out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Get lost plz.
MISSY: Okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Ohnowait! I’ve formulated a devious plan to get out of baby-sitting and it involves Missy!
RICHARD’S FRIENDS: A Wakefield twin! Score!
RICHARD: Yeah, she’s got it bad for me. The locker room is a good place to brag about this.
RICHARD’S FRIENDS: You’ve dated 537 girls this year, man.
RICHARD: I’m pretty much a stud.
SALVADOR: *seethes*
DAMON: Hi readers, I’m here too.
SALVADOR: Jessica, I need your help! Richard is a devious monster who will use Elizabeth just like he has tons of other girls and break her heart into a thousand tiny pieces! Help me convince her to break up with him before it’s too late!
JESSICA: Get over Liz, you loser.
SALVADOR: Damon was there, ask him!
JESSICA: No.
RICHARD: I’m going to flirt with the hot waitress at the ice cream place!
ELIZABETH: And I’m going to overlook it!
RICHARD: *kisses Liz*
ELIZABETH: *swoon*
JESSICA: Is Richard really a player who will break Liz’s heart into a thousand tiny pieces?
DAMON: Yep.
JESSICA: Ohnoes!
LACEY: *angsts about hating Victoria (her stepmother)*
ELIZABETH: Richard kissed me!
JESSICA: He’s using you. Salvador told me.
ELIZABETH: What! He’s just jealous because he still likes me! How could you believe him! I hate you!
JESSICA: Damon told me too!
ELIZABETH: *blocks ears and hums*
LACEY: I’m insulting people’s fashion sense to their faces as a healthy outlet for my internal rage.
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll join you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: I’ll let you because I need you for my devious plan. I’ll also invite you to my house tomorrow night as part of said plan. Hey, aren’t you wearing a similar outfit to what I wore yesterday?
JESSICA: We need a plan.
SALVADOR: How about this letter I wrote to Liz from Richard? She’ll never guess it’s really from me!
JESSICA: *dies laughing*
JESSICA’S GHOST: I’ll take care of the plan. I’m pretty good at manipulating people, even though this series kind of muted that part of my personality.
ELIZABETH: Jess and Salvador are talking? They must be conspiring against me! My feelings are very hurt by this betrayal!
JESSICA: I can put up with Liz hating me, as it’s for the greater good of getting her away from that loser.
ELIZABETH: Oh I see Richard flirting with another girl again, maybe Jess and Salvador were telling the truth!
RICHARD: I brought you flowers!
ELIZABETH: Awww. Nevermind.
JESSICA: Hi Liz! I’m sorry. Would you and Richard like to go on a double date with me and Damon?
ELIZABETH: This might just be one of Jessica’s schemes. But sure!
PENELOPE: I am Lacey’s three-year-old half sister.
DOORBELL: *rings*
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!!! I’m dressed like you again!!!!!!!!!! Hi small child!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: I’m going to, uh, go get a movie. Watch Penelope! *runs*
…
LACEY: I’ve been away for hours, surely Missy won’t be mad!
MISSY: I creepily ransacked your room!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m also not stupid. Where are the videos, lady?
LACEY: Uh, want to hang out tomorrow as well?
MISSY: Sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: *congratulates self*
RICHARD: *studies*
ELIZABETH: He’s so pretty when he studies.
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: Whatevs, I’ll call back!
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: Whatevs, I’ll call back!
RICHARD’S MOTHER: Richard, girl on the phone for you!
RICHARD: *long pause* … I’ll call back!
ELIZABETH: Let’s take a break.
RICHARD: Why yes, I’d love to walk you home!
ELIZABETH: …that’s not what I meant, but okay.
RICHARD: *moody silence*
ELIZABETH: Frowny! I must have done something wrong!
SALVADOR: *ring ring* Hi Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH: Don’t talk to me again until you grow up and accept that Richard is my boyfriend *hangs up*
SALVADOR: *bes sad*
JESSICA: *ring ring* Hi Salvador.
SALVADOR: Sorry, but don’t you hate me?
JESSICA: Yes. But Damon bailed on our bowling double date, can you fill in?
SALVADOR: Are you asking me out? LOLLERSKATES!!
JESSICA: No! I just need help exposing Richard! In or out?
SALVADOR: In.
MISSY: Hi Lacey!!!!!!!!!
LACEY: Hi, gotta go, watch Penelope! *runs*
…
LACEY: Hello, I’m back.
MISSY: Stop using me as an unpaid baby-sitter!
LACEY: Okay, sorry. I’ll take you to a concert to make up for it.
PENELOPE: Missy is so awesome and fun!
SALVADOR: Hi Elizabeth, I am here as Jessica’s date even though we hate each other. That’s not suspicious at all, right?
ELIZABETH: Wrong! I can’t believe Jessica set me up! That was so unlikely!
…
ELIZABETH: I’m really bad at bowling, is that part of canon anywhere else?
JESSICA: So Richard… you’re pretty much a jerk, right?
RICHARD: Wha?
ELIZABETH: Stoppit!
VICTORIA: Penelope seems to have an imaginary friend called Missy. Lacey, if she mentions Missy to you, tell her firmly that Missy does not exist.
LACEY: …
RICHARD: Hey Liz.
JESSICA: Dude, I’m Jessica. Can’t you recognise your own girlfriend?
RICHARD: You’re identical twins! I don’t think Liz wears barrettes in these books, how am I supposed to know who’s who?
JESSICA: Urgh. Salvador, we have to do something about this guy. Let’s go on a fake date, that will surely break them up somehow.
ELIZABETH: Why does Richard hate me all of a sudden?
JESSICA AND SALVADOR: We’re going on a date!
ELIZABETH: That’s so weird, but I’m too depressed to care.
LACEY: Hey Missy, busy tonight?
MISSY: Yes. Now excuse me while I sullenly back my backpack that looks eerily similar to one of your old ones. For some reason I am still copying you, even though the illusion of your coolness has been shattered for me.
LACEY: Please come over?
MISSY: No. You treat me like dirt.
LACEY: I swear we’ll hang out tonight! Coming?
MISSY: …Okay.
ELIZABETH: Hi Richard, can I sit with you?
RICHARD: I guess.
ELIZABETH AND RICHARD: *awkward silence*
RICHARD: I gotta go see my English teacher.
ELIZABETH: :(
SALVADOR: Hey yo, Elizabeth is my friend! If you want to hurt her, you’ll have to go through me!
RICHARD: Uh… are you actually trying to fight me?
SALVADOR: You bet! Bring it, punk!
RICHARD: …
ELIZABETH: Salvador! I thought you were my friend! *cries*
SALVADOR: I made her cry :( I hate myself.
MISSY: Hi!!
LACEY: I’m not even going to try and talk to her this time. *runs*
MISSY: She did it again! I am overwhelmed by the surprise! Oh well, I’ll pass the time by being creepy and trying on her clothes.
PENELOPE: Yay!
MISSY: That was fun. Hey, let’s be even creepier and try on Victoria’s clothes!
…
VICTORIA: *arrives home* Wtf? Who are you and why are you wearing my clothes?
…
LACEY: O hai, I was late back. Whoops.
VICTORIA AND LACEY’S DAD: Grrr Lacey!
MISSY: *smirk*
ELIZABETH: *ring ring* Hi Richard’s mother, is Richard there?
RICHARD: (in background) Whatevs, I’ll call back!
SOME GIRL: (in background) *giggle*
ELIZABETH: *angrily slams phone* I’ll show him!
…
ELIZABETH: *rings doorbell* Hi Richard! Can I come in?
RICHARD: Why are you here?? I am suspiciously freaked out by your unannounced appearance!
SOME GIRL: (in background) What’s going on?
ELIZABETH: We’re breaking up! You’re a jerk! I’m saying this loudly so that girl will hear me!
RICHARD: Okay. Bye!
ELIZABETH :’(
JESSICA: Don’t be sad! You awesomely broke up with him and told him off for being a jerk!
ELIZABETH: I guess. But I’m still sad.
JESSICA: I’ll take care of you, because I’m actually a pretty sweet person in the Junior High books and can convey my sisterly love in a non vomit inducing way. Now let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry icecream!
SALVADOR: Hi.
ELIZABETH: I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
SALVADOR: That’s okay.
ELIZABETH: Were you and Jess on a real date?
SALVADOR: No.
RICHARD: *walks past*
The end.