SVU #46, Love Me Always or "Nobody Cares About Jessica. Really. Nobody."
Hello, dear readers. Welcome to Crazytown, population: Jessica Wakefield. Jess is on the phone with Lila, who is warning her about the upcoming Theta meeting where the issue up for vote will be Jessica’s continued membership. Jessica could not care less. She is sitting surrounded by Poor Dead Nick’s things: his cologne, a teddy bear he won for her, and dozens and dozens of pictures of him. I’ve been told that Jessica actually has more than three dead boyfriends: Sam; James the Dirtbike racer, dead by Margo; Christian Gorman; Vampire Dude; Professor Louis Miles; and now Nick. I guess Nick was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Lila asks if Jess is listening, but Jess isn’t. She’s picking up picture after picture of Nick and kissing them. Crazy!
Dana Upshaw is at the campus pool, talking about her fledgling romance with Todd Wilkins with her roommate Felicity. I like to imagine Felicity is Felicity of the TV show fame. One of my favorite things about Dana is her wardrobe; in this scene she’s wearing a red 1940s style bathing suit. Too cute, wish I had one! She’s worried that things with Todd will go badly, the way they did last time she dated one of Elizabeth’s boyfriends. But she likes Todd Wilkins more than she liked Tom Watts (even though they are basically the same person), so she’s willing to risk it.
Elizabeth Wakefield has quite the social life now that she’s cut her crazy grieving sister out of her life. She can’t stop thinking about a cute blond frat boy she made out with the night before. And she can’t stop thinking about how hurt Tom must have been to see her do it. You guys, I think that Elizabeth is experiencing the effects of Isabella Ricci’s coma. She’s acting all Dear-Sistery again. Liz is at the cafeteria, having a muffin, when the guy, Jason, comes and sits down with her. He’s really very dumb. He tells her he’s majoring in wrestling. He asks her out; she says she’s too busy, because she’s realized how dumb he is.
Tom watches across the caf as Liz flirts with the same dude from the frat party-the dude who kicked Tom’s drunk ass the night before. He thinks back on the preachy little article about sex, or the not-having of it, that Liz wrote for the Gazette and decides he’s going to write his own piece for WSVU. That’ll show her you’re over her, Tom! Good idea! He wonders if he should call Elizabeth a “hypocrite” or “two-faced?” I say: why not both?
Danny Wyatt misses Isabella, away in mythical Switzerland to get treatment for her amnesia, which she acquired following her coma, which she fell into after a PCP-fueled jump from the roof of a frat house in one of this series’ most awesome storylines. Danny misses her, even though she doesn’t remember him; he decides in the middle of class that he’s going to fly to Geneva and see her. Aw, I miss college, when I could just decide in the middle of class to go on an extended trip outside the country. No responsibilities, no worries, no cares, Mom and Dad footing the bill for everything. A blessed, blessed time in a young person’s life. To all you kids out there: stay in school and this wonderful life can be yours, too.
Elizabeth decides she’s going to go check on Jessica, who is crashing and burning, but keeps getting distracted by boys. I said in the last recap that this is really Elizabeth’s worst hour as a sister; I stand by it, and I don’t think things are going to get any better, because the next book in this miniseries is called You’re Not My Sister. Nice. Elizabeth runs into a cute guy and drops her poetry book; he picks it up and they start talking about how they both love Walt Whitman. I’m sure she does. Elizabeth Wakefield has never hesitated to celebrate herself and sing herself. The guy-Lachlan-asks her out, but his girlfriend comes over and pulls him away in the nick of time. Good job, Lachlan’s girlfriend! You don’t realize what you just did for him. He should buy you diamonds.
Now that Elizabeth has no other pressing matters to attend to she decides to drop in and check up on her crazy sister. She looks really happy, which isn’t very cheering to Jessica. Jessica thinks, For once Elizabeth was the better groomed of the Wakefield twins, which probably means makeup, but I like to think it means Elizabeth doesn’t shave her pits or pluck her eyebrows, which is funny. Jessica has all these pictures of Nick spread out all around her; Elizabeth doesn’t notice. Jessica wants to show Liz some pictures; Liz “rolled over onto her back and started examining her nails.” Sweet of her. Jess realizes Liz doesn’t give a shit about her and throws the pictures across the room. Elizabeth asks (“dreamily”), if she dropped something? Liz, what are you doing here? Why did you even bother? Jess tries to tell Liz she’s being kicked out of the Thetas and Liz is finally angry on her behalf. She even sits up!
Tom totally pwns Elizabeth’s prim little sex essay in his nightly news broadcast at WSVU. “While women have the right to refuse to have a sexual relationship, they wield their power unfairly. “No not only means no, it means ‘Don’t you dare break up with me and have a mature, satisfying relationship with someone else.’” Not all women, Tom: just Elizabeth. When it’s Elizabeth, no also means, “And don’t you dare break up with me for other reasons that are not sex-related and then, months later, have sex with your new girlfriend.” All the guys at the TV station are like HELL YEAH but funnily enough, all the women are pissed at Tom. He can’t figure out why.
Elizabeth visits the Thetas to tell Alison Quinn how egregious it is to kick Jessica out at the worst time in her life. What happened to sisterhood? She wonders. Back at Dickenson Hall, Jessica wonders the same thing. Alison says that there is nothing Elizabeth can do, but Denise and Alexandra “Not Enid” Rollins let her know that they have Jessica’s back. But it might not be enough.
Apparently Danny doesn’t have the parental money-ticket and can’t afford to go to Switzerland. Poor guy. For him, college must be about the book larnin and not about the shenanigans.
I can’t believe Jessica is still bothering to go to class. Doesn’t she know the best part about having a mental breakdown is the daytime TV? She might as well be watching Days of Turmoil right now because she’s just sitting there and doodling Nick’s name in the margin of her notebook. Her philosophy 101 teacher reminds her she has a paper due and Elizabeth hauls her to the library and Jessica hilariously thinks, “But how will I take a nap?” I wonder that whenever someone asks me to do something. Apparently the paper has to do with Heidegger. Jessica is so not equipped, mentally, to right this paper. She might not have been even before Nick died. How did Jessica get into college? How did she graduate high school? Elizabeth sees cute Lachlan-the-Whitman-buff and shoves Jessica out of the way in her attempt to get to him. He asks her out again, and Liz is keen to go, but then he sees a picture Jessica has left out of Nick and Jess in each others’ arms. He’s like, “You could have told me you have a boyfriend already,” and wasn’t Lachlan all with some girl yesterday? Whatever. He walks away and Liz grumps about how Jessica is cutting into her free time.
Jessica is singing a crazy song as she meanders around the library. It’s so sad and crazy. The farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell, hi ho the derryo, the stacks are really spooky. Next she will be strewing flowers and then she will drown herself in a pond or something. (Hamlet! College! I guess I learned something there after all!) She starts thinking that Nick’s ghost is following her around.
Someone mysterious is following Jessica around the library. We don’t know who, but the tone is ominous: the man wants Jessica to wander away from the elevators where nobody will hear her cry out, he thinks about how-soon-Jessica will be his. Creeptastic! Maybe it’s Margo’s twin brother or something.
All the girls on campus are pissed at Tom. All of them. Ha, ha! Who will you have sex with now, Tom Watts? Who? Somewhere Elizabeth taps her fingertips together and goes, “Exxxxcellent.” And then she tells Smithers to release the hounds.
Elizabeth is trying to help Jessica with her paper but the selfishness just wells up. She ends up pumping Jessica for makeup tips instead so that she can go meet another cute guy to not have sex with. She leaves Jess at the library to go put on makeup. A dude wanders up and tries to flirt with Jessica but she’s retarded now or something and doesn’t get it. He calls her a nerd and walks off and you guys, that was just a dagger through my heart. So, so sad. I never thought I’d see the day. Worst twin switch ever.
In the next scene Jessica is wearing one of Elizabeth’s oxford shirts! Jessica opens up her philosophy text and starts copying it word for word into her paper. This will not end well. When she’s finished, Jess exclaims, “I can’t believe I wrote a whole paper!” I can’t believe you’ve been in college for two semesters and you haven’t had to before. Jess realizes how far she has sunk because she actually finds German philosophy interesting. Elizabeth proofreads Jessica’s paper and thinks that it is so good, but she doesn’t expect plagiarism, she thinks Nick’s death has spurred Jessica into turning over a new, more studious, leaf. But then she looks in Jessica’s textbook and realizes that Jessica has copied entire paragraphs word for word. She starts a lecture on quoting her sources, but then Elizabeth sees Tom’s sex broadcast and is so angry she forgets about her sister. Again. Jessica turns the paper in and is pleased with herself. Liz and Denise decide to throw her a barbecue on the lawn of Theta House to reward her hard work. The theme can be “Honor Code violations!”
Todd and Dana have gotten into so far inside their heads over this whole dating thing. It’s the one realistic thing about this story, that the ghostwriters sometimes have the college students act like typical self-obsessed young adults. I’m sure it’s an accident or something. Dana thinks that Todd thinks that she’s a slut because she’s had the sex! Todd thinks that there’s no way someone as nice as Dana could be interested in him romantically! Who is to blame for both of these misperceptions? Elizabeth Wakefield! Charming girl. Anyway, they both really like each other but they’re both acting weird around each other so you know they’re going to mess things up if they don’t get their acts together.
Elizabeth is at Theta House setting up for the Barbecue of DOOOOM. Allison Quinn walks in and is talking about what a mess Jessica is lately. Liz says Jess is doing better than she has been for ages. Then Jessica walks in. She is wearing a Save the Whales T-shirt. Oh, my LORD. Why can no one hear the cries for help? Lila sees her and is like O HAIL NO. She offers to take Jess to a spa to clean her up. Sorry, Lila, the answer was ‘mental hospital’ but you’ve gotten closer than anybody else. Jess doesn’t care how she looks anymore. She leaves the party. Mysterious Unnamed Stalker Man watches her go and thinks again how nice it will be when the time comes for him to go to Jessica. And do something awful to her is supposed to be the subtext here.
Elizabeth is upset that her BBQ wasn’t a bigger success and everybody falls all over themselves telling her how awesome she is for trying to help her sister. Meanwhile, stage left, Jessica is ingesting Draino and fashioning a noose out of pantyhose. Golf claps, Elizabeth! Golf claps! Elizabeth decides that it is time to call her parents and let them in on the crazy. To which I say: YES. It’s only Ned and Alice, but YES. Somebody’s parents need to be involved here.
Tom’s journalism professor dresses him down for using the campus TV station as a platform for his troubled love life. He shouldn’t do it. It’s unprofessional. I agree with the prof here, but how does he know that Tom’s broadcast was about Elizabeth? I know the answer here is ‘plot contrivance’ but I like to think there is a Gossip Girl-like website and he reads it obsessively. The scandalous lives of Sweet Valley’s elite! Tom leaves WSVU and runs into Elizabeth in the parking lot. They start sniping at each other, and eventually Tom calls her ‘a frigid old maid.’ Ha, ha. Hahahahhahaha. Elizabeth doesn’t really have anything to say to that. She just gets into the Jeep and drives away because it’s true. She’s upset because for once one of her exboyfriends doesn’t seem to be totally in love with her to the exclusion of all others. While she’s pondering this abnormality, her car dies. She decides that now she can’t call her parents to tell them about Jessica, though I don’t see why not. One does not preclude the other, but whatever.
Liz has the Jeep towed to a garage. She scopes the mechanic, and then he comes out from under the car and it’s Mike McAllery! Jessica’s ex-husband! Oh, I miss Mike sometimes. I know he is an abusive jerk but I always thought he would be so much fun and that Jess would reform him. Elizabeth wonders why she never noticed how hot Mike was when Jessica was married to him. You were too busy calling him a stupid criminal greasemonkey, Liz. I remember. Mike wonders how Jessica is and Elizabeth is shocked that he cares about Jessica when she doesn’t. And she’s a little jealous. She tells him Jess is fine. But then she tells him that actually that’s not true. Jess isn’t doing well at all. Mike wonders if there’s anything he can do to help? Elizabeth doesn’t know but she’ll think about it and let him know when she comes to pick up her car tomorrow.
Jessica’s teacher, Proferssor Malika, calls and tells her that he wants her to come to his office so they can discuss her paper. I guess ‘her’ paper is not really correct since she didn’t actually write any of it. Prof. Malika starts off by praising her on her beautiful paper. Just when Jessica thinks she’s going to get the A+ he tells her that he knows she plagiarized and the penalty for plagiarism is expulsion. There’s going to be a meeting with the dean, but Malika warns her that her prospects are grim. Jessica knocks a paperweight off the professor’s desk as she leaves and it smashes on the floor. Is anyone else starting to envision Jess trudging around campus with the Charlie Brown music playing? Christmastime is here… Poor Jessica. It was a stupid thing to do, to plagiarize and not realize you’re doing it, but Jessica is kind of stupid. Back at the dorm, just as if things couldn’t get worse, Alison Quinn calls to tell Jess she’s been voted out of the Thetas. Jessica responds that the love of her life is dead; she couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Thetas anymore.
Elizabeth goes back to the auto shop and finds Mike. They decide they will take Jessica on a picnic to cheer her up. Good idea! Because that barbecue was so helpful. They also decide the picnic will be a surprise because if there’s one thing clinically depressed people enjoy, it’s surprises! Jess doesn’t want to go anywhere. Elizabeth forces her into the Jeep. They drive to the beach, where Mike is waiting. Jess sees him and thinks he’s Nick, and starts running to him. When she realizes it’s only Mike, she’s pissed. She’s sullen all through their meal and Elizabeth chides her to be polite. Elizabeth is the kind of person who, if you got shot in the chest and were bleeding out, would be wringing her hands over a term paper you had due the next day. Bigger problems! Bigger! Jessica runs off. Instead of going after her, Liz makes out with Mike McAllery!! Jessica walks into town and buys some sleeping pills. She thinks that her troubles are at an end. When she gets back to the dorm she finds a letter notifying her of her meeting with the dean the next day. Mystery Stalker Man is spying on Jessica through the window as she opens up the bottle of sleeping pills. He throws a rock, which distracts her. Jessica forgets she was about to kill herself and goes to sleep without taking any pills.
The next morning Elizabeth finds the pills and freaks out, thinking Jessica took them. Jessica doesn’t remember buying them. She blacked out after the beach, she has no idea how she got home. This is pretty serious, but Elizabeth still doesn’t care. She leaves to go to class. Jessica wonders if she should even bother going to the hearing. She sort of half-heartedly gets ready but her clock is broken, so she’s late. By the time that she gets to the meeting the dean has already decided: Jessica has been expelled from SVU.
Jessica goes by Theta House but they don’t want her anymore. Everyone is lounging around by the pool eating cookies and nobody seems to be missing her much. Liz goes out with Mike; Tom and Danny go to a bar. Danny misses Isabella so much that he gets spectacularly drunk. He hits on a girl with black hair, who reminds him of Iz, who’s boyfriend isn’t too happy about that. Tom takes him home. Todd and Dana go on a date and finally work out that they care about each other and they don’t care what Elizabeth thinks. Good for you, you crazy kids!
Elizabeth finds the letter notifying Jess that she’s been kicked out of school, and wonders why Jessica doesn’t care? I would be wondering how this could happen to my sister without me knowing. Jessica says she’s had enough of Liz bitching at her and shoves her. Elizabeth wonders how Jessica can talk to her like this. Jess say’s it’s easy. I bet it is! Elizabeth starts talking about that stupid barbecue again, like it was helpful, and “all she’s done” for her twin and Jessica is like, did you really think a BBQ would make me forget how much I miss my dead boyfriend who was murdered right in front of me? Elizabeth says she has better things to do than to stick around getting yelled at by an ingrate. Wow, good call! Abandoning your sister who just yesterday blacked out and forgot she bought a lethal dose of sleeping pills! Jessica realizes she’s being watched again. The Mystery Man is indeed watching, thinking about how he is going to “get” Jess. Elizabeth waits until Jessica falls asleep and then leaves. She thinks that “Jessica has to learn to take care of herself-she doesn’t need my help.” Right. “I have my own life to live,” Liz thinks. She leaves thinking about kissing Mike, and nobody has called the Wakefield parents, but they probably wouldn’t care, anyway, so whatever. I don’t know why I think that Ned & Alice are going to give a shit. And where is Steven, y’all? Isn’t he supposed to be all up in his sisters’ jonx? HOW DOES NOSY STEVEN NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS? I declare shenanigans. Officially.