SVJH14 My Perfect Guy
Back when this book came out it took me months to buy it. Months! Possibly more than 12! Because the cover is so embarrassing.
I mean, seriously! I may have kept reading these books even if I considered myself too old for them, but I at least had some self respect.
Except I bought it eventually. Take that, self respect!
Plot A: Jessica/Damon and Kristin/Brian
Jessica and Damon are hanging out at Vito’s, bonding over how pepperoni and extra cheese is their mutual favourite (and back at SVMS, Aaron will have to glumly eat pineapple pizza all on his lonesome). By the way, I’m so confused about Damon living in Sweet Valley. He lives in a trailer! Since when does Sweet Valley have a trailer park? Four or five haunted mansions, maybe. But a trailer park? Say it ain’t so! I’m so confused! Anyway, Jess makes an innocent quip about Damon’s two-year-old sister and he gets all huffy and offended. That sounds bad when it’s unexplained but it really was just normal banter. Damon feels terrible and kicks himself on the inside for snapping at her, and quickly decides that the best way to fix this mistake is to blurt out, “Jessica, will you go out with me? Will you be my girlfriend?” Oh Damon. As Monica once said to Chandler,
“Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you’re sorry?”
It applies to going out as well.
Damon lets us know that the reason he’s a bit fragile lately is because his mum has a new boyfriend. His mum and sisters just love the guy, and he’s feeling threatened. But who cares? Now he has Jessica! Jessica who, mere hours after becoming Damon’s girlfriend, starts to freak out that she’s somehow already doing it wrong already. So she asks Kristin for advice, who sensibly tells her not to worry or change anything about herself. Jessica is skeptical.
Jess and Damon decide to go to the Cue Cafe after school. And by “after school” they mean “an hour or so after school ends, which seems very inconvenient”. Jess uses the interim time to go home, dress up, apply makeup, and douse herself in Alice’s most expensive perfume. Damon uses the time to play basketball with Brian, and turns up at the Cue Cafe looking like a hot mess. It’s all very awkward, what with Jess realising she’s ridiculously overdressed and trying to compensate by suggesting “romantic” things like sharing a coke, and Damon feeling like he’s letting her down by not being overdressed and by thinking that sharing a coke is weird.
So Damon becomes a total girl and rambles on the phone to Brian about how their date went so horribly wrong and he desperately wants how-to-be-a-good-boyfriend advice. Seriously, this is such a girly phone conversation. The first line of the chapter is Damon saying “so what do you think it all means?” I could maybe let it slide. Damon and Brian might just be particularly thoughtful fourteen/fifteen-year-old boys. EXCEPT THEN THIS HAPPENS:
Brian: Listen, I don’t think you’re the flowers-and-poetry type.
Damon: I’m not? So then what am I?
Brian: You’re more... cool.
Damon: Cool?
Brian: Yeah. You’re like James Dean. No, he’s dead. Um, Clint Eastwood. No, he’s really old. You’re like - that Ben guy on Felicity. More the brooding type than serenading.
Fourteen year old boys who are a little bit insightful about girls? A stretch, but eh. Maybe. Whatever. But fourteen year old boys who watch Felicity? And use characters as a point of reference in advice-giving conersation? I like to think I’m pretty lenient when it comes to the crazy, but SVJH tried to tone down the crazy!
Anyway, Damon says to Brian something like “so if you’re not the aloof type, you must be the romantic flowers-and-poetry type, right?” causing Brian to think “oh crap, I’m failing Kristin! Must start being romantic!”. This makes absolutely no sense. But then again, this book is not called My Perfect Logic.
Although that may have been less embarrassing to buy.
Oooh, news flash! Damon mentions he lives in a neighbourhood called Briggs Heights. I’m just going to assume that he lives, like, just outside the glittering line that separates SV from the rest of the world.
At school, Jessica bounds up to Damon to say hi. As per the keep-my-girlfriend plan, Damon acts all distant and aloof. Jessica wonders and worries about what she’s done wrong. So she buys a magazine called World Wise Woman for some tips. Meanwhile, Kristin finds in her locker a heart shaped box of red hots with a framed picture of her and Brian at homecoming. And then Brian appears, who declares in a strangely deep voice “I just want you to know how special you are.” Kristin is weirded out. So for extra help in being romantic, Brian buys a book called Secrets of Love: How to Make Your Girlfriend the Happiest Girl in the World.
Tip #1 from World Wise Woman is to “Imagine the most perfect thing your boyfriend could do for you. Then do it for him!” Acting upon Steven’s advice, Jess opts for making brownies and leaves them in Damon's locker on Monday morning. Damon has had a bad morning (more hating on his mum’s boyfriend) and he doesn’t feel like brownies, so he shares them with his first period class. And when Jess swings by to see if he liked them, she thinks he hated them. And she must be the worst girlfriend ever.
So Damon and Brian act like junior high girls again by fleeing into the bathroom to hide from Jessica and to have a deep and meaningful conversation about Jess/Damon. Seriously?? I’ve heard so many guys talk about how public bathrooms have extensive unspoken interpersonal rules and etiquette. Bathroom =/= locker room. This conversation is in such an unbelievably awkward place!! And a guy from one of their classes walks in, all “um, the hell?”
Tip #1 from Brian’s book is “To sweep your girlfriend up in a whirl of romance, give her lots of compliments so she feels incredibly special.” This results in Brian giving Kristin a bunch of contextually strange compliments (like “that shirt brings out the colour of your eyes” for a pink tshirt) and some just plain strange compliments (ie “Did I ever tell you that you have very well-proportioned hands?”). This is a bit more like it. Teenage boy romance = random nonsensical compliments. True awkward teen story: I was once told “you have the most melodious voice I’ve ever heard.” What do you say to that?
Tip #8 from World Wise Woman: “Atmosphere is everything. For an evening filled with magic and romance, combine a beautiful sunset, a warm, cozy blanket, some soft, sultry music, and of course, you and your man.” As if this was ever going to go well. Damon’s babysitting his sisters, so Kaia and Sally tag along and beg for ice cream. Jess brings the wrong CD, and “suddenly the peaceful noises of the park were interrupted by the roar of a wild animal and the clashing of cymbals.” She accidently brought Wildcats: Sounds of the Jungle by Sweet Valley Philharmonic. LOL, I bet Ned spends every working day dancing around the house in his underwear to that. Sally mentions the mum’s bf and Damon gets all surly and abruptly ends the picnic.
Tip #10 from World Wise Woman: “Sometimes all it takes [to rescue a relationship] is uttering those three special words: I love you.” *headdesk* This goes down the predictable track of:
Jessica: I, um... Iloveyou.
Damon: Uh... I really like you too.
So Jess concludes that he doesn’t want to go out with her and breaks up with him.
That weekend, Brian has a birthday party and he recites this masterpiece to Kristin:
Roses are red,
Sometimes they’re crimson.
I couldn’t face bio without you,
my sweet Kristin.
The sheer ridiculousness of it brings all Brian's trying-to-be-romantic-so-you'll-think-I'm-a-good-boyfriend antics to the surface and they have a good laugh and continue on their merry way. Damon and Jessica, freed from the burden of having to act like the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend are having good conversation and he tells her about the problems he’s had with his mum’s bf. They “romantically” hug, and effectively continue as boyfriend/girlfriend without actually officially being so. Oh, and Damon discovered that his mum’s bf isn’t so bad. The end.
Plot B: Anna/Drama Club
This one is rather short, but it’s the beginning of Anna’s whole drama-club arc.
Anna’s algebra teacher/class adviser talks to her about how she’s not performing to her usual standard (usual = before her brother died), and recommends that she see the school psychologist. Anna seethes on the inside, but agrees to see her. The school psychologist recommends that she finds a creative outlet for her grief, and urges her to attend a meeting of the drama club.
The condensed version of the story is that Anna reluctantly goes, makes friends with Toby and Larissa, and ends up loving it. The slightly longer version of the story includes the descriptions of the drama!kids:
“Everything was painted black: the ceiling, the floor, the seats, even the inside of the doors. It matched my mood perfectly.”
I think she’s going to be just fine.
I mean, seriously! I may have kept reading these books even if I considered myself too old for them, but I at least had some self respect.
Except I bought it eventually. Take that, self respect!
Plot A: Jessica/Damon and Kristin/Brian
Jessica and Damon are hanging out at Vito’s, bonding over how pepperoni and extra cheese is their mutual favourite (and back at SVMS, Aaron will have to glumly eat pineapple pizza all on his lonesome). By the way, I’m so confused about Damon living in Sweet Valley. He lives in a trailer! Since when does Sweet Valley have a trailer park? Four or five haunted mansions, maybe. But a trailer park? Say it ain’t so! I’m so confused! Anyway, Jess makes an innocent quip about Damon’s two-year-old sister and he gets all huffy and offended. That sounds bad when it’s unexplained but it really was just normal banter. Damon feels terrible and kicks himself on the inside for snapping at her, and quickly decides that the best way to fix this mistake is to blurt out, “Jessica, will you go out with me? Will you be my girlfriend?” Oh Damon. As Monica once said to Chandler,
“Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you’re sorry?”
It applies to going out as well.
Damon lets us know that the reason he’s a bit fragile lately is because his mum has a new boyfriend. His mum and sisters just love the guy, and he’s feeling threatened. But who cares? Now he has Jessica! Jessica who, mere hours after becoming Damon’s girlfriend, starts to freak out that she’s somehow already doing it wrong already. So she asks Kristin for advice, who sensibly tells her not to worry or change anything about herself. Jessica is skeptical.
Jess and Damon decide to go to the Cue Cafe after school. And by “after school” they mean “an hour or so after school ends, which seems very inconvenient”. Jess uses the interim time to go home, dress up, apply makeup, and douse herself in Alice’s most expensive perfume. Damon uses the time to play basketball with Brian, and turns up at the Cue Cafe looking like a hot mess. It’s all very awkward, what with Jess realising she’s ridiculously overdressed and trying to compensate by suggesting “romantic” things like sharing a coke, and Damon feeling like he’s letting her down by not being overdressed and by thinking that sharing a coke is weird.
So Damon becomes a total girl and rambles on the phone to Brian about how their date went so horribly wrong and he desperately wants how-to-be-a-good-boyfriend advice. Seriously, this is such a girly phone conversation. The first line of the chapter is Damon saying “so what do you think it all means?” I could maybe let it slide. Damon and Brian might just be particularly thoughtful fourteen/fifteen-year-old boys. EXCEPT THEN THIS HAPPENS:
Brian: Listen, I don’t think you’re the flowers-and-poetry type.
Damon: I’m not? So then what am I?
Brian: You’re more... cool.
Damon: Cool?
Brian: Yeah. You’re like James Dean. No, he’s dead. Um, Clint Eastwood. No, he’s really old. You’re like - that Ben guy on Felicity. More the brooding type than serenading.
Fourteen year old boys who are a little bit insightful about girls? A stretch, but eh. Maybe. Whatever. But fourteen year old boys who watch Felicity? And use characters as a point of reference in advice-giving conersation? I like to think I’m pretty lenient when it comes to the crazy, but SVJH tried to tone down the crazy!
Anyway, Damon says to Brian something like “so if you’re not the aloof type, you must be the romantic flowers-and-poetry type, right?” causing Brian to think “oh crap, I’m failing Kristin! Must start being romantic!”. This makes absolutely no sense. But then again, this book is not called My Perfect Logic.
Although that may have been less embarrassing to buy.
Oooh, news flash! Damon mentions he lives in a neighbourhood called Briggs Heights. I’m just going to assume that he lives, like, just outside the glittering line that separates SV from the rest of the world.
At school, Jessica bounds up to Damon to say hi. As per the keep-my-girlfriend plan, Damon acts all distant and aloof. Jessica wonders and worries about what she’s done wrong. So she buys a magazine called World Wise Woman for some tips. Meanwhile, Kristin finds in her locker a heart shaped box of red hots with a framed picture of her and Brian at homecoming. And then Brian appears, who declares in a strangely deep voice “I just want you to know how special you are.” Kristin is weirded out. So for extra help in being romantic, Brian buys a book called Secrets of Love: How to Make Your Girlfriend the Happiest Girl in the World.
Tip #1 from World Wise Woman is to “Imagine the most perfect thing your boyfriend could do for you. Then do it for him!” Acting upon Steven’s advice, Jess opts for making brownies and leaves them in Damon's locker on Monday morning. Damon has had a bad morning (more hating on his mum’s boyfriend) and he doesn’t feel like brownies, so he shares them with his first period class. And when Jess swings by to see if he liked them, she thinks he hated them. And she must be the worst girlfriend ever.
So Damon and Brian act like junior high girls again by fleeing into the bathroom to hide from Jessica and to have a deep and meaningful conversation about Jess/Damon. Seriously?? I’ve heard so many guys talk about how public bathrooms have extensive unspoken interpersonal rules and etiquette. Bathroom =/= locker room. This conversation is in such an unbelievably awkward place!! And a guy from one of their classes walks in, all “um, the hell?”
Tip #1 from Brian’s book is “To sweep your girlfriend up in a whirl of romance, give her lots of compliments so she feels incredibly special.” This results in Brian giving Kristin a bunch of contextually strange compliments (like “that shirt brings out the colour of your eyes” for a pink tshirt) and some just plain strange compliments (ie “Did I ever tell you that you have very well-proportioned hands?”). This is a bit more like it. Teenage boy romance = random nonsensical compliments. True awkward teen story: I was once told “you have the most melodious voice I’ve ever heard.” What do you say to that?
Tip #8 from World Wise Woman: “Atmosphere is everything. For an evening filled with magic and romance, combine a beautiful sunset, a warm, cozy blanket, some soft, sultry music, and of course, you and your man.” As if this was ever going to go well. Damon’s babysitting his sisters, so Kaia and Sally tag along and beg for ice cream. Jess brings the wrong CD, and “suddenly the peaceful noises of the park were interrupted by the roar of a wild animal and the clashing of cymbals.” She accidently brought Wildcats: Sounds of the Jungle by Sweet Valley Philharmonic. LOL, I bet Ned spends every working day dancing around the house in his underwear to that. Sally mentions the mum’s bf and Damon gets all surly and abruptly ends the picnic.
Tip #10 from World Wise Woman: “Sometimes all it takes [to rescue a relationship] is uttering those three special words: I love you.” *headdesk* This goes down the predictable track of:
Jessica: I, um... Iloveyou.
Damon: Uh... I really like you too.
So Jess concludes that he doesn’t want to go out with her and breaks up with him.
That weekend, Brian has a birthday party and he recites this masterpiece to Kristin:
Roses are red,
Sometimes they’re crimson.
I couldn’t face bio without you,
my sweet Kristin.
The sheer ridiculousness of it brings all Brian's trying-to-be-romantic-so-you'll-think-I'm-a-good-boyfriend antics to the surface and they have a good laugh and continue on their merry way. Damon and Jessica, freed from the burden of having to act like the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend are having good conversation and he tells her about the problems he’s had with his mum’s bf. They “romantically” hug, and effectively continue as boyfriend/girlfriend without actually officially being so. Oh, and Damon discovered that his mum’s bf isn’t so bad. The end.
Plot B: Anna/Drama Club
This one is rather short, but it’s the beginning of Anna’s whole drama-club arc.
Anna’s algebra teacher/class adviser talks to her about how she’s not performing to her usual standard (usual = before her brother died), and recommends that she see the school psychologist. Anna seethes on the inside, but agrees to see her. The school psychologist recommends that she finds a creative outlet for her grief, and urges her to attend a meeting of the drama club.
The condensed version of the story is that Anna reluctantly goes, makes friends with Toby and Larissa, and ends up loving it. The slightly longer version of the story includes the descriptions of the drama!kids:
- “Obviously the kinds of people who get into drama have nothing in common with me. I mean, one girl was wearing heavy black eyeliner.” (Larissa)
- “Another had on oversized feather earrings and boots that came all the way up to her thigh.” (*sputter* Thigh high boots?! On a junior high kid?!)
- “Most of the guys dressed differently too. One skinny, dark-haired guy looked like he was wearing mascara.”
- “Another had on this amazingly cool leather jacket.”
“Everything was painted black: the ceiling, the floor, the seats, even the inside of the doors. It matched my mood perfectly.”
I think she’s going to be just fine.