SVJH #16 - Keepin' it Real, FO SHO
This book is basically full of assholes. Anna blows off her friends, Salvador is immature about the Anna issue, while Liz bitches about Anna with Salvador and then turns around to bitch about Salvador with Anna. That's friendship for you in Sweet Valley! Meanwhile, Kristin's mom cuts down her kid's self-esteem, and Kristin gets revenge by getting a new mom. JEALOUSY ABOUNDS!
Note: don't read this book or this recap if you're planning on eating anytime soon, or have eaten less than five minutes ago, because the SVJH food is terrible and there is never a cafeteria scene where the writer doesn't launch into a lengthy paragraph about how gross it tastes. I'm serious. It's all very disgusting.
(I was really excited to recap this, because I do tech for our drama club at school, and I get to point out all the inaccuracies in this book. :D)
We kick off this episode of pubescent angst in the CAFETERIA. Apparently, SVJH serves really nasty food to the student body. God, I remember worrying about having to eat in a cafeteria. My high school actually serves really excellent food. Oh, Sweet Valley and your stereotypes. You ruined high school for me, you know that? Salvador apparently didn't accessorize with his brain this morning, because he orders something that tastes like, and I quote - "the gunk-encrusted tire of a garbage truck just back from a run to the dump." Way to ruin everyone's appetite, Salvador. He's actually about to go on with his elaboration, but Liz stops him before he can go any further. Thank you.
Anna then takes us on a trip to the Land of Backstory. It's rather long-winded, so pop some popcorn and get comfortable.
Basically, Anna's brother Tim died in a drunk driving accident (he was hit) and her life fell apart. Her mom was depressed and her dad is a workaholic. Anna's teachers were worried about her, so they sent her to see the school counselor. The school counselor turns out to be this crazy leprechaun woman who tries to read Anna's mind. They give her one of those choices that are really non-choices: go join the theater, or get psychoanalyzed by a leprechaun. Anna is smart and decides to join the theater as an aspiring thespian. She says that she never thought she'd be a good actress - Salvador or Liz would be better, since Salvador is really goofy and outgoing, and Liz pulled that twin switch with Jessica a while back. Except for the part where everyone figured out that Liz was Jessica within the space of one chapter. Great acting, right there. Anna really likes drama club, though. Everyone's really nice and funny. And they teach her to imitate her teachers, which I've always thought was more of a skill one is born with rather than one that you can learn.
Anyway, Anna's all YAYDRAMACLUB, but Salvador's all DRAMACLUBISGROSS. Apparently, they pretend to be animals to release their inhibitions. Which isn't that weird, really. My school's drama club warms up by standing in a circle and shouting "GAZEBO! SYPHILIS! GONORRHEA! UNDERPANTS! TOPEKA!" It could be so much worse, Salvador. Count your blessings.
And here we have conflict! Anna and Salvador are best friends forever and ever, till death do them part, but he thinks drama club is stupid and Anna thinks it's the best thing since sliced bread. All Anna does is babble about drama club. All Salvador does is cut down on drama club. Anna feels that she cannot talk to Salvador. Salvador feels that he is LOSING ANNA FOREVER OMGGGG, like, chill down, dude. You're still in the same school.
We then move away from Salvador/Anna's theater troubles to the troubles of overweight Kristin Seltzer. She got an A+ on her paper about Joan of Arc, and she can't wait to show her mommy. I don't blame her. A+? I didn't know they even gave those out once you got out of fifth grade. But when she gets home, her mom's all, "That's nice. What do you think about this black suit? I think it would make you look less fat!" Margie Seltzer, you're a bitch. Kristin throws herself on her bed to emo, and has this really awesome image of her as Joan of Arc getting burned at her stake and her mom going, "Sweetie, that potato sack you're wearing makes you look a little dumpy." Oh, Kristin.
Back in the world of Salvador/Anna, Anna's at drama club and they're doing improvisations. She's been assigned to work with her new BFFLs, Larissa Harris (who is awesome) and Toby Meeker. (Sidebar: This was one of the last SVJH books I managed to buy before they went out of print, and I was really confused when they referred to him as Toby Meeker, because in later books, his last name is Martin. Sweet Valley has no continuity. SWEET VALLEY NEEDS NO CONTINUITY!) And...yeah. I have to mention that she says that she loves the way the stage smells after the custodian buffs it with wood polish, because in my school, they make us clean the stage for them. Also it's usually painted black or covered in marley. Maybe I should move to Sweet Valley. There seems to be less manual labor there. Unless you're the custodian.
Anyway, they get a scene where a troll stops a ~beautiful princess~ from crossing a bridge, and then a magical prince comes up and saves her. Naturally, Toby Meeker-but-later-Martin is the prince. British Larissa gets to be the princess, and Anna is the troll. (By the way, in the scenes that they perform in this book, there is a trend of Toby and Larissa being the couple, and Anna being the third party, which becomes slightly hilarious when the love triangle in later books plays out.)
Once the scene is over, Larissa and Anna skip off the bathroom, and the second they're out of the theater, Larissa's like, "Damn, Toby is cute" and Anna's like, "You like him?" and Larissa's like, "He's cute! Of course I do! Keep up!" Anna anvils (silently) about how love triangles are bad and how one nearly split up her friendship with Salvador and Elizabeth. She adds, "We're lucky to still be friends. At least now I know that's all we should be." Gee, Anna's new friendship with Toby/Larissa couldn't have any parallels with her, Salvador, and Liz, could it? After all, it's not like Salvador Toby and Anna Larissa were close friends and then Elizabeth Anna came along and became friends with them and Anna Larissa likes Salvador Toby but Salvador Toby likes Larissa Anna...wait.
Fun fact: when I was little, I truly, honestly believed that the Salvador/Liz/Anna triangle was completely over and they were just friends. I remember being really, really surprised when Salvador and Liz hooked back up. That was weird. (I was seven, okay! Seven! I first starting reading Sweet Valley because I thought the SVJH twins were super pretty! *SOB*)
Anna and Larissa are joined by Bianca and Skye, two other actors, and I am actually really surprised at just how actorlike they're...acting. I mean, they really do remind me of the actors in my drama club. Nicely done. Anyway, they offer her some makeup, and Anna's like, "Oh, I don't know, I mean, I don't wear makeup, and I'm just worried that if I use some, I might die of an overdose," but she rationalizes that Bianca is a ninth-grader but Skye and Larissa are eighth-graders like her (continuity alert: Larissa becomes a ninth-grader about the same time that Toby Meeker becomes Toby Martin), and they wear makeup. So she puts on some lip gloss. Wild. They then invite her to the park, and Anna has a Zone meeting after drama club. Anna flails a bit, but then decides that she'll be a little late to meeting, her friends will understand, and I'm overcome with the sudden urge to hit her with something.
The next page is titled "How to Turn Fifteen Minutes into Thirty-Five Minutes", so we know Anna will forget about Zone and her friends and totally be late. She is. Salvador is (rightfully) irritated, and Liz is just like, "Maybe she got held up in rehearsal?" which, okay, it happens, but that really would only make sense if they were working on an actual production instead of doing goofy skits. Anyway, Zone is in trouble. They can't get published fast enough, and they need to figure out a way to get the issues out faster, which seems a bit difficult if you're an eighth-grader without a copy machine. Anna is like, "We should free up our creativity!" and starts imitating a tree. Everyone else is like, um, no. Liz thinks, I really wasn't in the mood to impersonate shrubbery either. Ha! Anna's all, "You guys just aren't open to trying new things," and Salvador says, "No, we're just not open to acting like idiots." That's kind of harsh, but...seriously, he has a point. The problem here is publishing, Anna, not...whatever you're doing. Environmental consciousness?
Anyhoodle, Anna gets all defensive of her tree-imitating exercises, and Salvador starts attacking her, and really, they're both acting like jerks, and Liz and Brian are just like, "Um...so...see you tomorrow?"
We switch to Salvador, and he's back at home bitching about Anna to his grandmother, the Dona. There's a tilde over the n, by the way, but I don't have that key on my computer. Anyway, Granny del Valle is like, "Well, you know, sometimes these things happen, and it's not Anna's fault if she lost track of time, and you have to let her be free like a bird" or whatever, and Salvador's like, "Are you even listening?" Salvador worries about how if Anna is doing un-Annalike things, it means that she is not Anna anymore, and this new not-Anna might want a new best friend? I do get where Salvador is coming from, actually, but acting like an ass isn't really going to score you any points with her, you know.
Hey, remember Kristin and the A+ B-plot? Yeah, me neither. She's still a bit angsty over her mom's total bitchiness, but is comforted by her teacher, Ms. Kern. Aw. Ms. Kern sounds really nice. (And not creepy at all, like some teachers we know. We're watching you, Mr. Collins.) Kristin meets up with Jessica, and they both talk about how boring it is around SVJH. This is important for two reasons: it provides an opening for the Big Project Kristin is About to Start, and it gives us this sentence:
"What we really need," Jessica began as she struggled to extricate her history textbook and avoid an avalanche of CDs, scrunchies, smelly gym clothes, and loose-leaf paper...
Hee. Tell it like it is, ghostwriter. Also, I do like the use of the word "extricate." Did I mention that I picked up most of my vocabulary from reading these books? No, really, I was the only third-grader who knew what the world "extricate" meant. I learned it all from Sweet Valley.
Inspired by Jessica's boredom, Kristin decides that they should plan a big school activity. She thinks to herself, "It would keep me busy -- too busy to think about other stuff." Damn, Kristin's mom sucks.
Anyway, we then speed on back to Liz (I am belatedly realizing that I should've probably separated the A and B plots, since they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Oh well, too late. And now you can feel that delightful sense of whiplash without actually reading the book!). It takes place in the cafeteria, so you know something big's about go down. They can't find Anna. She's ditched them. As usual. Salvador is getting all *Salvador smash* and Liz is like, "Look, let's just chill, maybe she went up to the library," when they both hear Anna laughing. She's sitting with the drama kids, and she's wearing her hair up. She's just not the same person anymore! Where is the Anna of yore? Salvador's all, "I see Princess Ah-na is holding court," and Liz is just like, "So, what's your grandmother doing? You remember your grandma! You know, the lady who's NOT ANNA?" but the conversation turns right back to Anna and Salvador starts throwing things and...it's really awkward. Why are they friends with him again?
Kristin's World. She's had a brilliant idea: they could have an SVJH carnival! Woo! Sparkly! Ms. Kern totally listens to her ideas and takes her seriously, and Kristin is beaming and happy. Yay!
Of course, it's not like we were actually going to spend that much time on that subplot. Back to Anna! She's hangin' at Larissa's house, which is described as being like something out of an art magazine. Because they are so British and ~exotic~. Larissa is a fan of a British band called Vauxhall Road, which I Googled, and it apparently is an actual road...in New Jersey. A+, ghostwriter. I'm a little disappointed, to tell you the truth. I was hoping she was a fan of the Bloody Young Blokes. (Also, I felt really idiotic just Googling the words "Vauxhall Road" to see if it was real.)
Anyway, Anna is amazed at how much she and Larissa have in common. They write poetry! They like to act! They both have a thing for Toby MeekerMartin! Larissa squeals over Toby a little more (she describes his eyes as "liquid lights in the darkness", which is like, O...kay) and then invites Anna to see a play with her at Sweet Valley High. Shout-out!
Salvador sends Anna an email reminding her about another Zone meeting. He tells her to make absolutely sure (in italics!) to tell them if she can't make it, so we know she's going to forget. This book is so subtle.
Anna's dad went to NYU, by the way. Seriously? He went to New freaking York and STILL decided to come back to Sweet Valley? (Though I have to admit I don't really like NYC. *ducks flying projectiles*)
Kristinville. She's eating lunch with Ms. Kern while they start planning the carnival. Ms. Kern notices that Kristin isn't eating and tells her that she's a growing girl and needs to eat a healthy lunch. It's important! Extremely important! YOUR BODY NEEDS NUTRIENTS TO GROW! ( Man, how times have changed.) Kristin's all, "Tell that to my mom," and Ms. Kern's like, "Girl, please, I may be overweight, but I have awesome friends and a fiance who couldn't care less about how much I weigh, so your mom can just stick it up her nose," and Kristin's like, "I know, and I got an A-plus on my paper the other day, and she didn't even notice!" and Ms. Kern's like, "An A-plus! That's amazing!" and Kristin's all, Damn, this lady is so much cooler than my mom.
El Salvador. Anna has forgotten about the Zone meeting. Of course. Salvador thinks, I was getting pretty sick of waiting around for my best friend. It seemed like I'd been doing way too much of that lately. SERIOUSLY. Stand up for your BFF-rights, Salvador! Only don't be an asshole! They decide not to wait any longer, and get the meeting started. Brian kicks it off with this proposal: they should turn Zone into a Web 'zine. You know this is the year 2000 because they capitalize the W in Web. Salvador is all "Haha, NO", but Liz is actually like, "That might be kind of cool." Salvador's like, "PAPER FOR LIFE, NEVER SAY DIEEEEwhat do you mean, you think it might work?" Brian starts technobabbling about server space and address registering and oh my God, I actually understand him, I feel so hip to the jive, and Salvador is just like, "What? NO. WHAT?" Brian and Liz are all, "Seriously, Salvador, what is your deal?" and Salvador finally pulls his final trick out: there is one more person on Zone! Her name is ANNA! Yeah! If they, you know, can ever get in contact with her again.
Next chapter, Anna's POV. I'm getting really bored with writing whose POV we're reading from. Larissa is putting eye makeup on her. Salvador storms onto the scene, and Anna suddenly remembers the Zone meeting. Oops. Salvador starts insulting her makeup and Anna's like, "What is your DAMAGE?" and Salvador's like, "Excuse me, which one of us missed a Zone meeting?" Anna calls him a jerk, and while Salvador is being really immature about the deal, Anna is being equally insensitive, so...yeah. And as a bonus, she totally agrees with Brian and Liz! Zone on the Web! It would be so snazzy! And then she tells him that she can't watch a movie with him and Liz like usual because she has the play at the high school. Oh, Anna. Salvador looks so hurt that she decides to invite him and Liz to the cast party. This is going to end so well.
Back to Kristin. She and Ms. Kern are having a grand old time cracking up over those SVJH students and their wacky suggestions for the carnival when Kristin's mom comes in. Uh-ohs! Kristin's mom is Extremely Upset and it's just awkward all around. Eep.
We move on to Anna, because she is the new, hip A plot, while Kristin is the overweight loser B plot, obviously. The drama teacher dude has a surprise for them: they get to perform their skits in front of everyone! To prepare! Yay! Everyone is like, "...wait, back the fuck up, WHAT?" And of course, Anna/Toby/Larissa get to go first. Drama Teacher Dude flicks on the stage lights, which is LIES! They have techies to do that! Techies are in drama club, too, you know! *sob* Anna plays this woman confronting her ex-boyfriend (Toby) and his new girlfriend (Larissa), who she caught burglering her house (no comment), and in order to get all emotional, she digs up all the hurt! loss! betrayal! she felt when she found out Salvador and Elizabeth were making out behind her back. PARALLELS PARALLELS PARALLELS IN YOUR FACE FACE FACE.
The Temple of the Sainted Elizabeth of Sweet Valley, where Salvador is mumblegrumbling about the party. Liz is all, "Anna had made an effort to include us in something she was doing with her new friends, and I wanted to show her I appreciated it," which is nice and everything, but also...seriously, shouldn't someone maybe tell Anna how they feel? Anna, by the way, is dressed extremely skankishly for an eighth-grader: "She was dressed in a white tank top, a tight-fitting black miniskirt, and black platform shoes. Her hair was swept up in a messy bun, and her lips were glossy red." Dude.
Anyway, Anna leaves to go get soda, and Salvador immediately starts arguing with these other two drama dudes, and it's...awkward. This whole book is awkward. Though I do find myself getting irritated by these fictional actors. Much like I am irritated by real actors. Props, ghostwriter. Liz tries to be friendly with Larissa, talking about her numerous piercings. She asks if they hurt, and Larissa's like, "Not too much," and then she gives that patented Bitchy Eye-Flick-Up-and-Down (you know the one) and then says, "But then, piercings aren't for everyone." For once, I'm on Liz's side. Way to be rude, Larissa. Anna comes back and tries to save the situation by talking about the play, and eventually all of them start talking about the play, and ignoring Salvador and Liz. Not cool, Anna.
Anna journals about how nice it is to hang out with new people and learn new things about herself. There is no mention anywhere of Salvador and Elizabeth. You know, Anna, you used to be my favorite character, but you have changed.
Movin' on, Kristin wakes up to her mother, who has made this whole breakfast with oatmeal pancakes and low-fat syrup, and she wants to have a "nice chat" over a mother-daughter breakfast. Kristin's mom tries talking to her about her friends and her school, and the whole thing is really sad just because this kind of thing totally happens, you know? It's (again) awkward. Aww.
Salvador! He's hanging out, feeling lonely without Anna. He tries to talk to Granny del Valle, but she just gives him this extended metaphor about a window, and it basically boils down to: Anna may be an actress and all skanked-out now, but she's still Anna underneath, and Salvador should try understanding her. What I don't understand is why everyone thinks Salvador should just get over it. He's not being very mature about it, sure, but Anna's not blameless here. Anyway, Salvador kicks back with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (they can name drop real movies, but they can't mention any actual British bands?) and hopes Anna will call to apologize or be on her way over.
Anna! She is not on her way over. She's hanging out in the mall with Larissa, trying to find costumes for their skit. They pass the ice cream shop and Anna sees Elizabeth. She remembers how they left the party without saying goodbye, and we get this: I could maybe expect that from Salvador after the way he'd been acting lately, but Elizabeth? Were they both so immature that they really couldn't handle hanging out with new people? Well, I kind of doubt they wanted to hang around with bitchy Larissa and the awkward actors while you were off mingling. Why you gotta be like this, Anna?
(By the way, the stores mentioned: Retro Look and I Scream. O...kay.)
Larissa spies a snazzy bright red wig, and gets all excited: they should dye their hair red! It would be so snazzy! Anna feels a ~thrill of excitement~ and goes for it. Do you see where this is going?
Zone meeting! They are, once again, waiting for Anna. For God's sake, just kick her off the paper already. Salvador bitches about how she's probably with her new friends, and bitches about how she ditched them at the party the other night. Liz is all, "Um, actually, we left first", which is technically true, but also...not. They all take the vote without her, and Zone ends up in "cyberspace". Yay! The Internet! Sweet Valley has entered the 21st century! Salvador weeps bitter tears. Seriously, Salvador, you're going to have to get over it sometime. I'm reading this book nine years in the future, and the Internet's still around.
Anna comes home with flaming red hair. Her parents think it is hilarious, mentioning that her dead brother had dyed his hair first, so they were used to it. Anna gets all emo. Her parents remind her about the Zone meeting. Anna thinks, Couldn't Salvador have called to apologize for last night instead of just bugging me about the stupid meeting? Anna! Stop this!
Salvador! He mentions that Anna never called him back. Stop it, Anna! You were my favorite character when I was seven! You were so awesome up until this book! What happened? Are we not friends anymore? I know we've grown apart, but that doesn't mean you can't still call! We can work through this, I know we can.
SalvadorLiz bump into the new, red-haired Anna. Salvador is rude. Anna is cold. Elizabeth snaps and is all, "Anna may be a bitch, but you're not helping either, SALVADOR." Seriously.
Hey, guys, it's Kristin! Remember Kristin? Sort of? Kind of? Yeah, anyway, they're at another council meeting, blah blah biddy blah. They're eating ice cream. Kristin's mom comes in and is all, "Excuse me, but I have to pick up my daughter," and Kristin's all, "Oh, shit" and it is again awkward. She finally bursts out and is all, "What is your deal? You know, Ms. Kern doesn't care about my weight!" and her mom's all, "..." and then Kristin's like, ":O! You're JEALOUS!" and her mom is like, "Bitch, please" and Kristin's like, "You are! Because I like my teacher better than I like you! Which I do!" So...yeah.
Anna emos over her brother some more. Yeah.
The next day, Anna overhears some kids talking about a new Web 'zine. It couldn't be Zone, could it? Of course not! They would never make a decision without her! She approaches Salvador's Locker of Confrontation, and he's all, "Yeah, Zone is the Web 'zine. LIKE YOU CARE, BITCH," and Anna's like, "Is this revenge? Are you making decisions without me because you're MAD AT ME?" like, way to think the world revolves around you, Anna. Salvador's like, "Uh, excuse me princess, but there are two other people on Zone, who didn't miss three meetings," and Anna's like, "You could've given me some warning!" Well, maybe if they ever saw you or if you took their messages, Anna. Salvador is all, "This isn't even about Zone, this is about you being a traitorous traitor who is TRADING!" and Anna is like, "Why do I have to trade?" Because...you kind of are, Anna? I mean, it's not like Salvador and Liz are actually demanding that she give up drama club, she just chooses not to hang out with them. So I'm kind of failing to see her point here. This book annoys me. Which is really weird, because I loved it when I was little.
Over in Kristinville, her mom has taken her shopping in an effort to make up for being a crappy mom, and it's...awkward. I can't even describe it. It's painful, it really is.
Anna-land! She's checking out the Zone website, and then sees a little anagram posted by Salvador that says, "I miss my best friend." Awwww. See? He apologized. Now, Anna, apologize back, and then everyone can be happy and this book can finally be over. It also should be mentioned that she wants to call him, but remembers that she's tying up the phone line. Hee. Larissa calls Anna just as she's leaving for Salvador's, and Anna says she can't hang out, she has something to do. Thank you, Anna. She heads over to Salvador's, and they joke about having Jim-Carrey-itis. Again with the name-dropping of actual people, but no actual British bands. It goes well for about the first five minutes, Anna's mom calls and Salvador and Anna have a touching talk about her mom and it's kind of sweet, but then Salvador starts ragging on her hair again, like, give it up already. It's one thing to be mad at her when she's blowing you off, but she's not anymore, so chill down. Salvador and Anna are both idiots. They fight. Anna storms out.
We finally reach the resolution of the Kristin subplot. Her mom buys her a dress that she wanted even though it was clingy and Kristin (as we are endlessly reminded) is not stick-thin. Her mom tells her she looks pretty. They make up. Aww, cute, etc etc etc.
Opening night! Anna is distressed, for her parents are not in the audience! And she's about to go on stage in front of a bunch of people! It's horrifying! Terrifying! Of course, once she gets out there, everything goes perfectly. She makes people cry! They get a standing ovation! (Um, weren't there other groups doing skits? What happened to them?) And best of all? Salvador is in the audience! Supporting her! Yay! Backstage, everyone tells her how amazing she was. Drama Teacher Dude tells her that not every actress gets a standing O their first time onstage, but Anna is just that good. Of course. He also calls Larissa one of the brightest actresses he's ever worked with, which makes me doubt Drama Teacher Dude's experience.
Elizabeth and Salvador come backstage and are all, "You were so amazing!" Then Elizabeth and Anna's parents skedaddle out of there -- SUSPICIOUSLY! Salvador is like, "Um, so, I was a jerk. Yeah. Forgive me?" and Anna's all, "OF COURSE." And where did this inspiration for apologizing come from? Elizabeth Wakefield, of course. She was telling Salvador about her and Jessica's relationship, blah blah twin connection despite their new friends blah. So now Anna and Salvador are besties again, yay. (I did actually find this scene sort of sweet.) And the mysterious phone call from Anna's mom? It was really about a surprise party! For Anna! With her old friends and her new friends! United! Because they love Anna that much! Woo! Sparkly!
The End. This book was awful.
(By the way, Anna is totally the girl in the back saying, "You hate your alarm clock. You hate your clothes. You're going to love Junior High." She's even wearing the same outfit as on the cover! Also, you can win a Sharp MiniDisc player! Contest is open to residents of the United States, excepting Arizona for some reason, between the ages of 7 and 14. Enter by July 15, 2000 to win! Unless you're from Arizona!)
Note: don't read this book or this recap if you're planning on eating anytime soon, or have eaten less than five minutes ago, because the SVJH food is terrible and there is never a cafeteria scene where the writer doesn't launch into a lengthy paragraph about how gross it tastes. I'm serious. It's all very disgusting.
(I was really excited to recap this, because I do tech for our drama club at school, and I get to point out all the inaccuracies in this book. :D)
We kick off this episode of pubescent angst in the CAFETERIA. Apparently, SVJH serves really nasty food to the student body. God, I remember worrying about having to eat in a cafeteria. My high school actually serves really excellent food. Oh, Sweet Valley and your stereotypes. You ruined high school for me, you know that? Salvador apparently didn't accessorize with his brain this morning, because he orders something that tastes like, and I quote - "the gunk-encrusted tire of a garbage truck just back from a run to the dump." Way to ruin everyone's appetite, Salvador. He's actually about to go on with his elaboration, but Liz stops him before he can go any further. Thank you.
Anna then takes us on a trip to the Land of Backstory. It's rather long-winded, so pop some popcorn and get comfortable.
Basically, Anna's brother Tim died in a drunk driving accident (he was hit) and her life fell apart. Her mom was depressed and her dad is a workaholic. Anna's teachers were worried about her, so they sent her to see the school counselor. The school counselor turns out to be this crazy leprechaun woman who tries to read Anna's mind. They give her one of those choices that are really non-choices: go join the theater, or get psychoanalyzed by a leprechaun. Anna is smart and decides to join the theater as an aspiring thespian. She says that she never thought she'd be a good actress - Salvador or Liz would be better, since Salvador is really goofy and outgoing, and Liz pulled that twin switch with Jessica a while back. Except for the part where everyone figured out that Liz was Jessica within the space of one chapter. Great acting, right there. Anna really likes drama club, though. Everyone's really nice and funny. And they teach her to imitate her teachers, which I've always thought was more of a skill one is born with rather than one that you can learn.
Anyway, Anna's all YAYDRAMACLUB, but Salvador's all DRAMACLUBISGROSS. Apparently, they pretend to be animals to release their inhibitions. Which isn't that weird, really. My school's drama club warms up by standing in a circle and shouting "GAZEBO! SYPHILIS! GONORRHEA! UNDERPANTS! TOPEKA!" It could be so much worse, Salvador. Count your blessings.
And here we have conflict! Anna and Salvador are best friends forever and ever, till death do them part, but he thinks drama club is stupid and Anna thinks it's the best thing since sliced bread. All Anna does is babble about drama club. All Salvador does is cut down on drama club. Anna feels that she cannot talk to Salvador. Salvador feels that he is LOSING ANNA FOREVER OMGGGG, like, chill down, dude. You're still in the same school.
We then move away from Salvador/Anna's theater troubles to the troubles of overweight Kristin Seltzer. She got an A+ on her paper about Joan of Arc, and she can't wait to show her mommy. I don't blame her. A+? I didn't know they even gave those out once you got out of fifth grade. But when she gets home, her mom's all, "That's nice. What do you think about this black suit? I think it would make you look less fat!" Margie Seltzer, you're a bitch. Kristin throws herself on her bed to emo, and has this really awesome image of her as Joan of Arc getting burned at her stake and her mom going, "Sweetie, that potato sack you're wearing makes you look a little dumpy." Oh, Kristin.
Back in the world of Salvador/Anna, Anna's at drama club and they're doing improvisations. She's been assigned to work with her new BFFLs, Larissa Harris (who is awesome) and Toby Meeker. (Sidebar: This was one of the last SVJH books I managed to buy before they went out of print, and I was really confused when they referred to him as Toby Meeker, because in later books, his last name is Martin. Sweet Valley has no continuity. SWEET VALLEY NEEDS NO CONTINUITY!) And...yeah. I have to mention that she says that she loves the way the stage smells after the custodian buffs it with wood polish, because in my school, they make us clean the stage for them. Also it's usually painted black or covered in marley. Maybe I should move to Sweet Valley. There seems to be less manual labor there. Unless you're the custodian.
Anyway, they get a scene where a troll stops a ~beautiful princess~ from crossing a bridge, and then a magical prince comes up and saves her. Naturally, Toby Meeker-but-later-Martin is the prince. British Larissa gets to be the princess, and Anna is the troll. (By the way, in the scenes that they perform in this book, there is a trend of Toby and Larissa being the couple, and Anna being the third party, which becomes slightly hilarious when the love triangle in later books plays out.)
Once the scene is over, Larissa and Anna skip off the bathroom, and the second they're out of the theater, Larissa's like, "Damn, Toby is cute" and Anna's like, "You like him?" and Larissa's like, "He's cute! Of course I do! Keep up!" Anna anvils (silently) about how love triangles are bad and how one nearly split up her friendship with Salvador and Elizabeth. She adds, "We're lucky to still be friends. At least now I know that's all we should be." Gee, Anna's new friendship with Toby/Larissa couldn't have any parallels with her, Salvador, and Liz, could it? After all, it's not like Salvador Toby and Anna Larissa were close friends and then Elizabeth Anna came along and became friends with them and Anna Larissa likes Salvador Toby but Salvador Toby likes Larissa Anna...wait.
Fun fact: when I was little, I truly, honestly believed that the Salvador/Liz/Anna triangle was completely over and they were just friends. I remember being really, really surprised when Salvador and Liz hooked back up. That was weird. (I was seven, okay! Seven! I first starting reading Sweet Valley because I thought the SVJH twins were super pretty! *SOB*)
Anna and Larissa are joined by Bianca and Skye, two other actors, and I am actually really surprised at just how actorlike they're...acting. I mean, they really do remind me of the actors in my drama club. Nicely done. Anyway, they offer her some makeup, and Anna's like, "Oh, I don't know, I mean, I don't wear makeup, and I'm just worried that if I use some, I might die of an overdose," but she rationalizes that Bianca is a ninth-grader but Skye and Larissa are eighth-graders like her (continuity alert: Larissa becomes a ninth-grader about the same time that Toby Meeker becomes Toby Martin), and they wear makeup. So she puts on some lip gloss. Wild. They then invite her to the park, and Anna has a Zone meeting after drama club. Anna flails a bit, but then decides that she'll be a little late to meeting, her friends will understand, and I'm overcome with the sudden urge to hit her with something.
The next page is titled "How to Turn Fifteen Minutes into Thirty-Five Minutes", so we know Anna will forget about Zone and her friends and totally be late. She is. Salvador is (rightfully) irritated, and Liz is just like, "Maybe she got held up in rehearsal?" which, okay, it happens, but that really would only make sense if they were working on an actual production instead of doing goofy skits. Anyway, Zone is in trouble. They can't get published fast enough, and they need to figure out a way to get the issues out faster, which seems a bit difficult if you're an eighth-grader without a copy machine. Anna is like, "We should free up our creativity!" and starts imitating a tree. Everyone else is like, um, no. Liz thinks, I really wasn't in the mood to impersonate shrubbery either. Ha! Anna's all, "You guys just aren't open to trying new things," and Salvador says, "No, we're just not open to acting like idiots." That's kind of harsh, but...seriously, he has a point. The problem here is publishing, Anna, not...whatever you're doing. Environmental consciousness?
Anyhoodle, Anna gets all defensive of her tree-imitating exercises, and Salvador starts attacking her, and really, they're both acting like jerks, and Liz and Brian are just like, "Um...so...see you tomorrow?"
We switch to Salvador, and he's back at home bitching about Anna to his grandmother, the Dona. There's a tilde over the n, by the way, but I don't have that key on my computer. Anyway, Granny del Valle is like, "Well, you know, sometimes these things happen, and it's not Anna's fault if she lost track of time, and you have to let her be free like a bird" or whatever, and Salvador's like, "Are you even listening?" Salvador worries about how if Anna is doing un-Annalike things, it means that she is not Anna anymore, and this new not-Anna might want a new best friend? I do get where Salvador is coming from, actually, but acting like an ass isn't really going to score you any points with her, you know.
Hey, remember Kristin and the A+ B-plot? Yeah, me neither. She's still a bit angsty over her mom's total bitchiness, but is comforted by her teacher, Ms. Kern. Aw. Ms. Kern sounds really nice. (And not creepy at all, like some teachers we know. We're watching you, Mr. Collins.) Kristin meets up with Jessica, and they both talk about how boring it is around SVJH. This is important for two reasons: it provides an opening for the Big Project Kristin is About to Start, and it gives us this sentence:
"What we really need," Jessica began as she struggled to extricate her history textbook and avoid an avalanche of CDs, scrunchies, smelly gym clothes, and loose-leaf paper...
Hee. Tell it like it is, ghostwriter. Also, I do like the use of the word "extricate." Did I mention that I picked up most of my vocabulary from reading these books? No, really, I was the only third-grader who knew what the world "extricate" meant. I learned it all from Sweet Valley.
Inspired by Jessica's boredom, Kristin decides that they should plan a big school activity. She thinks to herself, "It would keep me busy -- too busy to think about other stuff." Damn, Kristin's mom sucks.
Anyway, we then speed on back to Liz (I am belatedly realizing that I should've probably separated the A and B plots, since they have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Oh well, too late. And now you can feel that delightful sense of whiplash without actually reading the book!). It takes place in the cafeteria, so you know something big's about go down. They can't find Anna. She's ditched them. As usual. Salvador is getting all *Salvador smash* and Liz is like, "Look, let's just chill, maybe she went up to the library," when they both hear Anna laughing. She's sitting with the drama kids, and she's wearing her hair up. She's just not the same person anymore! Where is the Anna of yore? Salvador's all, "I see Princess Ah-na is holding court," and Liz is just like, "So, what's your grandmother doing? You remember your grandma! You know, the lady who's NOT ANNA?" but the conversation turns right back to Anna and Salvador starts throwing things and...it's really awkward. Why are they friends with him again?
Kristin's World. She's had a brilliant idea: they could have an SVJH carnival! Woo! Sparkly! Ms. Kern totally listens to her ideas and takes her seriously, and Kristin is beaming and happy. Yay!
Of course, it's not like we were actually going to spend that much time on that subplot. Back to Anna! She's hangin' at Larissa's house, which is described as being like something out of an art magazine. Because they are so British and ~exotic~. Larissa is a fan of a British band called Vauxhall Road, which I Googled, and it apparently is an actual road...in New Jersey. A+, ghostwriter. I'm a little disappointed, to tell you the truth. I was hoping she was a fan of the Bloody Young Blokes. (Also, I felt really idiotic just Googling the words "Vauxhall Road" to see if it was real.)
Anyway, Anna is amazed at how much she and Larissa have in common. They write poetry! They like to act! They both have a thing for Toby MeekerMartin! Larissa squeals over Toby a little more (she describes his eyes as "liquid lights in the darkness", which is like, O...kay) and then invites Anna to see a play with her at Sweet Valley High. Shout-out!
Salvador sends Anna an email reminding her about another Zone meeting. He tells her to make absolutely sure (in italics!) to tell them if she can't make it, so we know she's going to forget. This book is so subtle.
Anna's dad went to NYU, by the way. Seriously? He went to New freaking York and STILL decided to come back to Sweet Valley? (Though I have to admit I don't really like NYC. *ducks flying projectiles*)
Kristinville. She's eating lunch with Ms. Kern while they start planning the carnival. Ms. Kern notices that Kristin isn't eating and tells her that she's a growing girl and needs to eat a healthy lunch. It's important! Extremely important! YOUR BODY NEEDS NUTRIENTS TO GROW! ( Man, how times have changed.) Kristin's all, "Tell that to my mom," and Ms. Kern's like, "Girl, please, I may be overweight, but I have awesome friends and a fiance who couldn't care less about how much I weigh, so your mom can just stick it up her nose," and Kristin's like, "I know, and I got an A-plus on my paper the other day, and she didn't even notice!" and Ms. Kern's like, "An A-plus! That's amazing!" and Kristin's all, Damn, this lady is so much cooler than my mom.
El Salvador. Anna has forgotten about the Zone meeting. Of course. Salvador thinks, I was getting pretty sick of waiting around for my best friend. It seemed like I'd been doing way too much of that lately. SERIOUSLY. Stand up for your BFF-rights, Salvador! Only don't be an asshole! They decide not to wait any longer, and get the meeting started. Brian kicks it off with this proposal: they should turn Zone into a Web 'zine. You know this is the year 2000 because they capitalize the W in Web. Salvador is all "Haha, NO", but Liz is actually like, "That might be kind of cool." Salvador's like, "PAPER FOR LIFE, NEVER SAY DIEEEEwhat do you mean, you think it might work?" Brian starts technobabbling about server space and address registering and oh my God, I actually understand him, I feel so hip to the jive, and Salvador is just like, "What? NO. WHAT?" Brian and Liz are all, "Seriously, Salvador, what is your deal?" and Salvador finally pulls his final trick out: there is one more person on Zone! Her name is ANNA! Yeah! If they, you know, can ever get in contact with her again.
Next chapter, Anna's POV. I'm getting really bored with writing whose POV we're reading from. Larissa is putting eye makeup on her. Salvador storms onto the scene, and Anna suddenly remembers the Zone meeting. Oops. Salvador starts insulting her makeup and Anna's like, "What is your DAMAGE?" and Salvador's like, "Excuse me, which one of us missed a Zone meeting?" Anna calls him a jerk, and while Salvador is being really immature about the deal, Anna is being equally insensitive, so...yeah. And as a bonus, she totally agrees with Brian and Liz! Zone on the Web! It would be so snazzy! And then she tells him that she can't watch a movie with him and Liz like usual because she has the play at the high school. Oh, Anna. Salvador looks so hurt that she decides to invite him and Liz to the cast party. This is going to end so well.
Back to Kristin. She and Ms. Kern are having a grand old time cracking up over those SVJH students and their wacky suggestions for the carnival when Kristin's mom comes in. Uh-ohs! Kristin's mom is Extremely Upset and it's just awkward all around. Eep.
We move on to Anna, because she is the new, hip A plot, while Kristin is the overweight loser B plot, obviously. The drama teacher dude has a surprise for them: they get to perform their skits in front of everyone! To prepare! Yay! Everyone is like, "...wait, back the fuck up, WHAT?" And of course, Anna/Toby/Larissa get to go first. Drama Teacher Dude flicks on the stage lights, which is LIES! They have techies to do that! Techies are in drama club, too, you know! *sob* Anna plays this woman confronting her ex-boyfriend (Toby) and his new girlfriend (Larissa), who she caught burglering her house (no comment), and in order to get all emotional, she digs up all the hurt! loss! betrayal! she felt when she found out Salvador and Elizabeth were making out behind her back. PARALLELS PARALLELS PARALLELS IN YOUR FACE FACE FACE.
The Temple of the Sainted Elizabeth of Sweet Valley, where Salvador is mumblegrumbling about the party. Liz is all, "Anna had made an effort to include us in something she was doing with her new friends, and I wanted to show her I appreciated it," which is nice and everything, but also...seriously, shouldn't someone maybe tell Anna how they feel? Anna, by the way, is dressed extremely skankishly for an eighth-grader: "She was dressed in a white tank top, a tight-fitting black miniskirt, and black platform shoes. Her hair was swept up in a messy bun, and her lips were glossy red." Dude.
Anyway, Anna leaves to go get soda, and Salvador immediately starts arguing with these other two drama dudes, and it's...awkward. This whole book is awkward. Though I do find myself getting irritated by these fictional actors. Much like I am irritated by real actors. Props, ghostwriter. Liz tries to be friendly with Larissa, talking about her numerous piercings. She asks if they hurt, and Larissa's like, "Not too much," and then she gives that patented Bitchy Eye-Flick-Up-and-Down (you know the one) and then says, "But then, piercings aren't for everyone." For once, I'm on Liz's side. Way to be rude, Larissa. Anna comes back and tries to save the situation by talking about the play, and eventually all of them start talking about the play, and ignoring Salvador and Liz. Not cool, Anna.
Anna journals about how nice it is to hang out with new people and learn new things about herself. There is no mention anywhere of Salvador and Elizabeth. You know, Anna, you used to be my favorite character, but you have changed.
Movin' on, Kristin wakes up to her mother, who has made this whole breakfast with oatmeal pancakes and low-fat syrup, and she wants to have a "nice chat" over a mother-daughter breakfast. Kristin's mom tries talking to her about her friends and her school, and the whole thing is really sad just because this kind of thing totally happens, you know? It's (again) awkward. Aww.
Salvador! He's hanging out, feeling lonely without Anna. He tries to talk to Granny del Valle, but she just gives him this extended metaphor about a window, and it basically boils down to: Anna may be an actress and all skanked-out now, but she's still Anna underneath, and Salvador should try understanding her. What I don't understand is why everyone thinks Salvador should just get over it. He's not being very mature about it, sure, but Anna's not blameless here. Anyway, Salvador kicks back with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (they can name drop real movies, but they can't mention any actual British bands?) and hopes Anna will call to apologize or be on her way over.
Anna! She is not on her way over. She's hanging out in the mall with Larissa, trying to find costumes for their skit. They pass the ice cream shop and Anna sees Elizabeth. She remembers how they left the party without saying goodbye, and we get this: I could maybe expect that from Salvador after the way he'd been acting lately, but Elizabeth? Were they both so immature that they really couldn't handle hanging out with new people? Well, I kind of doubt they wanted to hang around with bitchy Larissa and the awkward actors while you were off mingling. Why you gotta be like this, Anna?
(By the way, the stores mentioned: Retro Look and I Scream. O...kay.)
Larissa spies a snazzy bright red wig, and gets all excited: they should dye their hair red! It would be so snazzy! Anna feels a ~thrill of excitement~ and goes for it. Do you see where this is going?
Zone meeting! They are, once again, waiting for Anna. For God's sake, just kick her off the paper already. Salvador bitches about how she's probably with her new friends, and bitches about how she ditched them at the party the other night. Liz is all, "Um, actually, we left first", which is technically true, but also...not. They all take the vote without her, and Zone ends up in "cyberspace". Yay! The Internet! Sweet Valley has entered the 21st century! Salvador weeps bitter tears. Seriously, Salvador, you're going to have to get over it sometime. I'm reading this book nine years in the future, and the Internet's still around.
Anna comes home with flaming red hair. Her parents think it is hilarious, mentioning that her dead brother had dyed his hair first, so they were used to it. Anna gets all emo. Her parents remind her about the Zone meeting. Anna thinks, Couldn't Salvador have called to apologize for last night instead of just bugging me about the stupid meeting? Anna! Stop this!
Salvador! He mentions that Anna never called him back. Stop it, Anna! You were my favorite character when I was seven! You were so awesome up until this book! What happened? Are we not friends anymore? I know we've grown apart, but that doesn't mean you can't still call! We can work through this, I know we can.
SalvadorLiz bump into the new, red-haired Anna. Salvador is rude. Anna is cold. Elizabeth snaps and is all, "Anna may be a bitch, but you're not helping either, SALVADOR." Seriously.
Hey, guys, it's Kristin! Remember Kristin? Sort of? Kind of? Yeah, anyway, they're at another council meeting, blah blah biddy blah. They're eating ice cream. Kristin's mom comes in and is all, "Excuse me, but I have to pick up my daughter," and Kristin's all, "Oh, shit" and it is again awkward. She finally bursts out and is all, "What is your deal? You know, Ms. Kern doesn't care about my weight!" and her mom's all, "..." and then Kristin's like, ":O! You're JEALOUS!" and her mom is like, "Bitch, please" and Kristin's like, "You are! Because I like my teacher better than I like you! Which I do!" So...yeah.
Anna emos over her brother some more. Yeah.
The next day, Anna overhears some kids talking about a new Web 'zine. It couldn't be Zone, could it? Of course not! They would never make a decision without her! She approaches Salvador's Locker of Confrontation, and he's all, "Yeah, Zone is the Web 'zine. LIKE YOU CARE, BITCH," and Anna's like, "Is this revenge? Are you making decisions without me because you're MAD AT ME?" like, way to think the world revolves around you, Anna. Salvador's like, "Uh, excuse me princess, but there are two other people on Zone, who didn't miss three meetings," and Anna's like, "You could've given me some warning!" Well, maybe if they ever saw you or if you took their messages, Anna. Salvador is all, "This isn't even about Zone, this is about you being a traitorous traitor who is TRADING!" and Anna is like, "Why do I have to trade?" Because...you kind of are, Anna? I mean, it's not like Salvador and Liz are actually demanding that she give up drama club, she just chooses not to hang out with them. So I'm kind of failing to see her point here. This book annoys me. Which is really weird, because I loved it when I was little.
Over in Kristinville, her mom has taken her shopping in an effort to make up for being a crappy mom, and it's...awkward. I can't even describe it. It's painful, it really is.
Anna-land! She's checking out the Zone website, and then sees a little anagram posted by Salvador that says, "I miss my best friend." Awwww. See? He apologized. Now, Anna, apologize back, and then everyone can be happy and this book can finally be over. It also should be mentioned that she wants to call him, but remembers that she's tying up the phone line. Hee. Larissa calls Anna just as she's leaving for Salvador's, and Anna says she can't hang out, she has something to do. Thank you, Anna. She heads over to Salvador's, and they joke about having Jim-Carrey-itis. Again with the name-dropping of actual people, but no actual British bands. It goes well for about the first five minutes, Anna's mom calls and Salvador and Anna have a touching talk about her mom and it's kind of sweet, but then Salvador starts ragging on her hair again, like, give it up already. It's one thing to be mad at her when she's blowing you off, but she's not anymore, so chill down. Salvador and Anna are both idiots. They fight. Anna storms out.
We finally reach the resolution of the Kristin subplot. Her mom buys her a dress that she wanted even though it was clingy and Kristin (as we are endlessly reminded) is not stick-thin. Her mom tells her she looks pretty. They make up. Aww, cute, etc etc etc.
Opening night! Anna is distressed, for her parents are not in the audience! And she's about to go on stage in front of a bunch of people! It's horrifying! Terrifying! Of course, once she gets out there, everything goes perfectly. She makes people cry! They get a standing ovation! (Um, weren't there other groups doing skits? What happened to them?) And best of all? Salvador is in the audience! Supporting her! Yay! Backstage, everyone tells her how amazing she was. Drama Teacher Dude tells her that not every actress gets a standing O their first time onstage, but Anna is just that good. Of course. He also calls Larissa one of the brightest actresses he's ever worked with, which makes me doubt Drama Teacher Dude's experience.
Elizabeth and Salvador come backstage and are all, "You were so amazing!" Then Elizabeth and Anna's parents skedaddle out of there -- SUSPICIOUSLY! Salvador is like, "Um, so, I was a jerk. Yeah. Forgive me?" and Anna's all, "OF COURSE." And where did this inspiration for apologizing come from? Elizabeth Wakefield, of course. She was telling Salvador about her and Jessica's relationship, blah blah twin connection despite their new friends blah. So now Anna and Salvador are besties again, yay. (I did actually find this scene sort of sweet.) And the mysterious phone call from Anna's mom? It was really about a surprise party! For Anna! With her old friends and her new friends! United! Because they love Anna that much! Woo! Sparkly!
The End. This book was awful.
(By the way, Anna is totally the girl in the back saying, "You hate your alarm clock. You hate your clothes. You're going to love Junior High." She's even wearing the same outfit as on the cover! Also, you can win a Sharp MiniDisc player! Contest is open to residents of the United States, excepting Arizona for some reason, between the ages of 7 and 14. Enter by July 15, 2000 to win! Unless you're from Arizona!)