SVU #12 - College Cruise
This book is such a mess, I don’t know where to begin. The Sweet Valley University gang is going on a weeklong, college-students-only Caribbean cruise aboard the SS Homecoming Queen. I will rename it the SS STD. After all, if you took a ride on the homecoming queen at my high school, you’d definitely be aboard the SS STD. I imagine that on this college-students-only cruise, instead of mints on your pillow, you get condoms on it. Except in Liz’s room, of course.
Oh, and let me also mention this: The first 75 pages of the book are nothing but build-up, and the excerpt on the first page actually is the very last scene of the book.
The book opens with a party that Liz throws. It’s a game party, but they’re not playing Spin the Bottle, Beer Pong, or watching a game on TV. No, they’re playing Scruples, “a popular board game that posed ethical questions for discussions and debates.”
Foreshadowing things they discuss: what to do if you find money that isn’t yours and what to do if you know a friend’s bf/gf is cheating. It should be noted that Danny is in an ethics seminar and is extremely ethical. His girlfriend, Isabella, thinks you shouldn’t tell people if their significant other is cheating because it’s not your business.
After the last rousing ethical debate, everyone leaves. Liz and Tom go outside the dorm room that Liz shares with Jess. They discuss how much they want to be alone together but can’t because Jess has been through a rough period, what with her failed marriage and her mysterious guardian angel who won’t reveal himself but has saved her life. (Side note: I think that’s supposed to be Jess being rescued on the cover of the book by a ‘roids-juiced guy… but why would they picture her guardian angel rescuing her if he’s supposed to be shrouded in mystery?)
Tom leaves. Liz goes back inside her dorm and cleans up. Tom probably goes home and takes a cold shower. It’s 9 pm. The party was clearly happening.
Background information that we learn: William White, the creepy guy who stalked Liz and tried to kill all her friends, left Liz all his money. Jess is lonely. Danny is scared that over spring break, Isabella is going to meet somebody else. A cowboy-booted Winston and his girlfriend, Denise, are scared there’s someone outside the Wakefield’s dorm (Is it Tom with an infrared camera?). Alex/Enid and her psychologist boyfriend, Noah, are all angsty and worried the other will meet someone new over spring break. Bruce is afraid that Lila isn’t over her count; he also tries to convince her that being conceited is a good thing. Nina is tired of her boyfriend, Bryan, spending all his time writing manifestos for the Black Student Union (and by the end of the book, I hope you are all as tired of him as I am); because Bryan makes Nina feel bad about herself (why is she with him??), Nina practices the affirmation technique that Liz has taught her by directing positive remarks about herself to a photo of Bryan that she taped to the mirror.
Tom and Danny have breakfast. They talk about what great friends they are to each other and how everything is perfect. It’s revealed that Danny’s best friend from high school, Jason, is getting married on a college students-only cruise ship, the SS STD. Danny can’t afford to go, even though Jason wants him to be his best man. Plus, the wedding is next week. Shotgun wedding, anyone? After they see their friend’s girlfriend kissing another guy “at the indecent hour of 8 am”, Danny and Tom start angsting over their own girlfriends leaving for spring break.
Todd is meeting with his advisor at SVU; his advisor recaps Todd’s first year of college. Todd thinks he wants to leave school because there’s no place for him here. His advisor says that after spring break, if Todd decides not to continue his education there, they will discuss his next step. Kind of odd, considering that the next step would be Todd not returning to school. Todd thinks, At this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if he were in the penitentiary by the time he was a junior. What the hell is Todd planning on doing?!?!? He rushes out of his advisor’s office because he’s afraid he might burst into tears. Todd then thinks, He hadn’t been this emotional since yesterday, when he’d run into Elizabeth and she’d invited him to join her and some friends for a game of Scruples. Todd realizes that it’s hard for him to feel in control without Liz in his life.
Yeah, it’s true. After years of being dominated, it must be difficult to have to think for yourself. And now that Todd’s an adult and responsible for his violent ways, punching people is a good way to land in the penitentiary.
On his way out, Todd runs into Danny and Tom. It’s noted that although Todd was a tall guy, Tom was taller and quite a bit broader. He made Todd feel even smaller than he already felt.
I no longer have a crush on high-school-era Todd.
Or maybe I do.
Jess, Denise, and Isabella are at the Pesto Café (clever name), talking about spring break and the game of Scruples that they played.
Nina rushes over to Bryan’s dorm because he’d called to say he had a big surprise for her. She mentions that Bryan and his friends seem like they disapprove of people who enjoy life and that he rarely shows enthusiasm for things that Nina enjoys doing. What a winner. Nina hopes that Bryan has bought a pair of roller blades because she’s dropped hints about how much she loves inline skating and wants a partner. Bryan opens the door, looking thrilled to show her his surprise: the new copy machine arrived and his new manifesto looks amazing!! He suggests that Nina collates and he’ll stuff envelopes. She asks if they really have to do this now because she wants to go out and exercise. Bryan informs her that “exercise is an elitist preoccupation.” Also, he doesn’t know how to inline skate. Nina offers to teach him, but he says he doesn’t want to learn because he’ll look stupid and he hates looking stupid. He accuses her of trying to change him. I hate this guy. The only thing Nina seems to like about him is the fact that they have chemistry when they kiss.
Liz receives the money from William White’s will and donates most to charity. She saves some of the money and heads to a travel agency to give something fun to all the people whose lives were put in danger by the psychopath. At the travel agency, Liz runs into Bruce, who’s looking for somewhere to take Lila so she’ll forget about the count.
At SVU that evening, Nina, Bryan, Danny, Isabella, Jessica, Tom, Noah, Alex, Winston, Denise, and Todd have received this note from Liz: The pleasure of your company is requested in Dickinson Hall, room 28, at 7 pm tonight for dessert and coffee. Be there or be square. (LIZ is a square - being there won’t help)
They think Liz is running for student office, and Bryan promises her that Black Student Union endorsement. He suggests they put together a “biracial, multicultural caucus for ethnic diversity in contemporary -“ (Winston cuts him off here, thankfully) Liz says she’s not running for office, but surprise! She donated money to charities in everyone’s name, then booked a Caribbean cruise for them all on the SS STD. Since Maia (?) is home with mono, Liz has sent her a department store gift card.
The next morning, Tom and Liz are sitting at breakfast in the cafeteria. He tells her that he likes hearing “I love you” over breakfast and that he wouldn’t mind hearing it every morning. Liz hesitates and smiles before answering softly, “Actually, neither would I. In fact, I -“ She and her v-card are saved by Jess running up to their table. Apparently, the travel agency called and needs Liz to pick up the tickets. But she’s busy, so Tom offers to go for her.
Back to Bryan and Nina for a moment. Bryan declines going on the cruise because “the national Black Student Union committees are meeting in Sweet Valley.” Wait, black students are coming to Sweet Valley??? Nina looks pretty pissed, so he agrees to go.
Tom goes to the travel agency. The computer there broke down and all the room bookings have been lost. Tom offers to put them back together. He decides that Liz was about to tell him over breakfast that she wanted to sleep with him, so he books them a room together, gives Jess a room by herself, and dumps Danny, Noah, and Bryan in a 2-person room all together. I don’t understand why Tom thinks only HE can have The Sex onboard - why don’t Danny and Isabella get to share a room? Why not Noah and Alex? Why not Bryan and Nina? Maybe Tom is so delusional he thinks he and Liz will do it enough for everyone.
They fly into Miami. For some reason, a lot of other SVU students are also going on this cruise. At the pier, Jessica’s makeup bag is whisked away with the rest of the luggage. Bryan and Nina get into another fight; he actually thinks, during the trip to the boat, he’d prayed for a miracle - like a plane crash. Anything that would keep them from reaching this point. He’s the only one in the world who thinks a plane crash is a miracle. He tells Nina that it’s politically incorrect to go on a cruise because they’re elitist. She’s pissed, starts leaving, and then he tells her the truth: he’s afraid of boats and he can’t swim. Next to them, Winston is dancing, and when he sees Bryan looking upset, he decides to go over and cheer him up. The entertainer Winston’s dancing with has a banana on her hat, and when he spins her, the banana pokes Bryan in the eyes and he falls in the water. Nina jumps in to rescue Bryan, who comes to in the infirmary - on board ship. Bryan notices that the doctor is good looking and is hitting on Nina. The doctor tells Bryan to call him “Dr. Daniels” and Nina to call him “Rich.” Bryan picks up on the fact that he’s hitting on Nina.
Winston, scared Bryan’s going to retaliate for the accidental ocean-push (which just might top a pool-push), asks Todd if he thinks Bryan is capable of violence. Todd is, after all, a good person to gauge violent tendencies. He says no because Nina won’t let Bryan get violent. Denise walks in the room and Winston asks Todd to take their photo. Todd tries to get a close up, but the lens is blurry. He tries to focus and then realizes that it’s blurry because he’s crying. He quickly snaps a photo and turns away, rubbing his face on his sleeve. Winston politely asks if there’s something in his eye. Todd has nowhere to go, no one to meet up with, but he declines to hang out with Winston and Denise because he’s too emo.
Meanwhile, Liz goes to her room and finds she’s rooming with Tom!!!!! Tom instantly realizes that he miscalculated her eagerness to “be” with him. He stupidly tells Liz that he was the one who set this up. Damnit, Tom, blame it on the cruise line!! Liz informs Tom that rooming with him isn’t something she would have surprised him with; they would have discussed it beforehand. (Kind of like how she discussed the cruise and entire spring break plans before booking the trip for a huge group?) Tom is embarrassed, tells Liz that he’s disappointed, and offers to move Jess in with Liz and that he and Danny can room together. Liz is slightly appeased; Tom is mortified, upset, and realizes that Liz makes all their decisions. He’s right, too.
Tom runs into Danny, who asks what he and Liz are doing for dinner. ”I don’t know,” Tom answered in a sour tone. “She hasn’t informed me yet.” What a healthy relationship.
Winston and Denise eat their way through the buffet table. Winston goes up to Bryan to apologize again. Bryan doesn’t accept the apology until Nina elbows him in the ribs and forces him to.
The group discusses what to do. Bryan shoots down every suggestion except for shuffleboard. Nina says she’s never played it, but she’s seen her grandparents play at their country club. Bryan is offended that they’d even belong to a country club. Nina complains that he’s turning everything into a class war. Winston intervenes and tries to show Bryan how to play shuffleboard, but he accidentally pushes the disk too hard and it whacks Bryan above his left eye. Couldn’t have happened to a better person; Winston gets an A from me in this book, simply because he’s more creative than relying on a simple punch to show Bryan who’s boss.
Todd is in the dining room by himself for afternoon tea. He gets a full plate of food, then realizes he’s not hungry because he has nobody with him. Kudos to Liz for booking this cruise without bothering to find out if anyone actually wanted to go. Todd thinks about how a few months before, he would have been able to go up to anyone on this ship, introduce himself, and make friends. He decides that he needs to get his old life back. There are three girls, including a tall blonde, at a nearby table. He decides to join them. He stands up and walks over just as the tall blonde scans the room. Her eyes look right through Todd without pausing; Todd has never seen anyone look so completely disinterested. Humiliated, Todd wishes he’d stayed in Sweet Valley and leaves the dining room. On his way out, he steps on a girl, who recognizes him from being in her old world history class and a former basketball player at SVU. She thinks Todd was treated unfairly and is a sportswriter for SVU’s paper. Todd realizes, she’s Gin-Yung Suh! He adds, “But I thought you were a guy.” Smooth, Todd. She walks out of the dining room with him, babbling about college sports.
Lila’s getting ready for dinner in her and Bruce’s cabin (finally, a couple’s sharing a cabin!). She feels guilty because she hasn’t thought about the count since the night before.
Tom approaches the dinner table. He’s sitting with Liz, Isabella, Danny, Jason, and Jason’s fiancée, Nicole. When Tom is introduced to Nicole, he realizes he knows her! But they both act like they’re meeting for the first time. Only in Sweet Valley. How is it a big deal that they apparently went on two dates after their senior year of high school and she never called him back? By the time the two of them speak in private and she apologizes, they decide it’s too late to tell anyone else they already knew each other.
Oh, here’s the reason why Jason and Nicole are getting married on a college cruise without their parents present: Jason’s parents moved to Russia to work for an oil company, and Nicole’s parents remember their wedding was only “old folks and relatives” so they just sent the “happy” couple a check and told them to elope.
Nicole tells Tom that he has lingered in her mind as “unfinished business”.
Liz comes outside as Tom and Nicole are having their heart to heart and Tom tells her they should go inside and dance. Liz says no, she should spend time with Jess instead of Tom. Tom is pissed and whines that he understands why she doesn’t want to sleep with him, but now she doesn’t even want to dance with him! Tom apparently thinks dances are a big deal because he didn’t attend Sweet Valley High, where Big Dances happen every weekend - at a minimum. Tom stalks off, and Liz tells him he can be alone for the whole cruise.
After Liz leaves, Tom feels bad because he knows Jess is moping around and he doesn’t want to put Liz in a position where she feels like she has to choose between the two of them.
Back in the dining room, Winston is eating a lot. He starts feeling seasick, so he rushes to the infirmary, where Bryan is drinking a cup of broth, and Winston promptly barfs all over Bryan. Hallelujah! But Bryan is furious, especially since Nina witnessed it.
Meanwhile, Jessica’s makeup bag never arrived with her luggage, plus she’s single, so of course she feels bad. I mean, come on - even Lois got a boyfriend; if you’re single, you should feel bad. But then! A porter arrives at her cabin carrying her makeup case and a vase of red roses! Jessica knows it’s from her mystery man. She runs after the porter and sees someone lurking in the shadows, so she runs up to him, but then the wind blows her dress up (no doubt giving Mystery Man a peek at the goods, if he’d only reveal himself), and then Jess somehow falls over the ship’s railing and into the ocean. Someone yells, “Passenger overboard!” and everyone in the infirmary rushes out.
When Jess comes to, Liz is crying. Liz tells Jess that someone dove overboard to save her, then gave her mouth-to-mouth, saving her life. Nobody knows who. Which makes you wonder, how does anyone know this actually happened? And how did they get back aboard the ship?
At the infirmary, Bryan can’t find any regular pajamas to change into, after removing the barf-covered clothes, so he puts on the nurse’s size 18 white polyester nursing dress. From behind the next curtain, Bryan hears Winston calling for water. Bryan’s still angry but doesn’t want to deny Winston a glass of water because it probably violates a human rights law. Bryan pauses briefly because he’s wearing a woman’s outfit, but then thinks oh well. However, when Winston sits up for water, he starts laughing at Bryan’s ensemble. Bryan gets mad, storms out, running into everyone else, who are all coming back into the infirmary, and they all laugh too. Bryan thinks he now he now has to break up with Nina because she’ll never take him seriously again, once she hears about this, and he needs to change schools too. Then, if this situation was ever brought up later in his career, Bryan decides he can just denounce it as a “racist accusation,” thinking, “man, those folks will do anything to discredit a black man.” I don’t care what race Bryan is; I just hate him. Denise takes a photo of him.
When the nurse asks Jessica to remove her wet clothes, Jess realizes that her fist is clenched around a button from the coat of her mystery man!
Oblivious to all this, Tom is bowling with Danny, Jason, and a few other guys. It’s SVU vs. CSU. After the game, the other guys decide to call it a night (Really? On a college student booze cruise??? Where the hell is all the drinking??? But then again, Liz’s party ended at 9 and they’re all still talking about that…)
Tom decides to seek out Liz and apologize. When Liz answers the door, Tom grins at her seductively and says he thinks it’s a good time to pry her away from Jessica for a bit, completely oblivious to the fact that Jessica just nearly drowned. Liz is FURIOUS and slams the door in his face. Nicole happens to be standing in the shadows in the hallway and tells Tom how horrible Liz is and asks if she’s always such a bitch. Nicole fills Tom in on the story about Jessica almost drowning. Nicole then starts to cry (or fake crying), and Tom gives her a hug to comfort her. A few minutes later, Nicole says she feels awful about what happened. Tom, thinking that Nicole is talking about Jessica, says he thinks she’s doing all right now. But no! Nicole was referring to how she treated Tom! Tom thinks about how beautiful, fragile, and delicate Nicole is… and he begins to bend his head toward her for a kiss…. in front of the peephole in Liz’s door!!! However, a girl walks out from a nearby room, and they break apart quickly. Tom and Nicole agree they should stay apart from each other. While Nicole races away from Tom, he “admires her slender ankles and shapely calves.”
At breakfast the next morning, Liz apologizes to Tom for what must be the first time in her life. Girlfriend does not apologize to no one because she’s perfect.
The ship has now docked at St. Lucia. Lila and Bruce have on matching white silk boating shirts with their initials embroidered in blue. I am so loving them together.
Bryan and Nina argue over what to do. He doesn’t want to go snorkeling, even going in 3 feet of water is too scary for him. When she asks what he wants to do instead, he says whatever she wants to do is fine. Nina points out that he’s shot down everything she’s suggested. Bryan complains that Nina was looking earlier at a two thousand dollar chandelier. Nina says she didn’t want to buy it, she was just window shopping. Bryan snaps, “Black men do not window shop because people get nervous when they see black men peering in their shop windows. It’s part of the inherent racism of the -“ Nina interrupts him by stating the obvious: “The people who live here are black.” Touché. Nina decides to go parasailing and Bryan can hang out in the cultural center.
Jess, Tom, and Liz are trying to figure out what to do. Tom wants to look at fishing equipment, and Jess won’t stand for that; she wants to look at jewelry and perfume. Tom tells Liz to go ahead with Jessica and he’ll meet up with them later. In the fishing shop, he sees Nicole. Nicole seems unhappy about being by herself and complains that Jason only wants to hang out with the guys. Some other SVU students show up and they all go get “frozen lime drinks” together. What the crap is a frozen lime drink and why is no one doing shots??
Jess is trying to find her mystery man. While window shopping, she thinks she sees her guardian angel and runs up to him, but it’s turns out the guy is just Tom. Talk about a let down. I’d be disappointed too. Tom wants to go to a bird sanctuary, so Liz says she’ll help Jess find a perfume store and will meet Tom at the Beach Café at 3. Another clever café name!! Jess again thinks she sees her mystery man, so she runs up and clutches the guy’s shirt, saying, “Don’t run away, I think I’m in love with you!” This time, it turns out it’s a random old man who thinks Jess is trying to pickpocket him. She races back to the ship with Liz in hot pursuit.
In another group, Danny witnesses a pickpocket through a window. He goes outside to confront the teenage thief. The teen reaches in his big jacket (quite suspicious, considering it’s the freaking CARIBBEAN, where you don’t need to own a jacket, let alone wear one in spring), and Isabella is scared because big jackets usually hide guns. Instead, the teen pulls out the wallets of the tourists waiting for their bus. The police and tourists are thankful. Isabella is pissed that Danny interfered and calls him stupid because he could have been hurt. Danny says to witness a crime and do nothing is as bad as committing the crime yourself because it’s unethical.
Nicole wants to go back to the ship. The guys ask Tom if he’d take her. That’s right, Tom, you’re everyone’s bitch. Once Tom and Nicole have left, Isabella asks Danny if there’s something going on between Tom and Nicole. Danny’s confused because they’ve been on the ship hardly a day, so when would they have had time? Funny how it’s only been a day and it’s taken 200 pages for me to get this far and a ridiculous amount of drama has gone down.
Back to the sulking Bryan, who’s stressing because Nina is still parasailing without him. Winston and Denise ask Bryan to join them for lemonade. Bryan decides to turn a new leaf and become Mr. Charm, so he starts to sit down in the seat across from Winston, but he doesn’t look before sitting and ends up sitting on Winston’s hat that has old fishing hooks attached. Denise asks Bryan when he last had a tetanus shot, and Bryan is ready to haul ass off to find Dr. Daniels (that’s Rich to us and Nina). Winston points out that Nina’s being helped out of the water by a skin-tight-bathing-suit-clad Dr. Daniels.
Lila and Bruce have issues about Tisiano because Bruce thinks he can never compare, but Lila thinks that Bruce is so much better for her than the count.
Gin-Yung and Todd bond about sports. She kisses him. (See, Danny? They’ve had time to hook up - it’s not impossible after a day.)
Tom is still waiting for Liz at the café. She never shows up. Tom is upset that Jessica is always around and he feels like a third wheel, so he vows to find a good-looking guy onboard for Jessica. Tom stands in line to catch the last tender back to the ship with Nina. The tender arrives - and Bryan gets off it! Nina stupidly thinks that Bryan came to meet her on the island to escort her back to the ship. However, Bryan’s carrying a suitcase. He informs Nina that he’s done with this cruise and with Winston and with the infirmary and with her and he’s going home.
Still on the island, Denise and Winston are playing steel drums with the locals and realize that Winston’s watch battery is dead. They’ve missed the last tender.
Everyone on board is now upset because they’ve lost three people. Tom wonders what everybody wonders: why didn’t Elizabeth just leave Nina alone? Why didn’t Elizabeth quit mothering Nina and Jess and monitoring everyone’s behavior? Why couldn’t she just concentrate on herself and on him? Liz glares at everyone and tells them to stop sneering because their group is just so unpleasant to be around sometimes. And this from the girl who booked the trip for everyone!
At this remark, Tom has had enough! He tells her to stop telling people what to do and calls her a “control freak” who needs to let people do what they want. Tom says no one’s having a good time and it might be Elizabeth’s fault. Their friends are shocked by his outburst. Liz chokes up and runs out of the room; Jess follows. Bruce points out how smart Bryan was to bail while he could. Bruce and Lila leave.
Tom lashes out at Noah, who also chokes up and runs out of the room, Alex in pursuit. Tom decides he needs to step outside for some air. You know, I may not approve of all the high school-era ToddPunches, but at least Todd seems mellow in this book. Quite unlike Tom.
Nicole joins Tom outside. The next thing Tom knows, they’re in each others arms, his lips traveling the length of her neck. Two gasps are heard - Liz and Danny have witnessed this! Liz runs away. Danny punches Tom in the face!
Bruce and Lila are on the deck. Suddenly, there’s a roar from the sky. It’s a helicopter - landing on their moving cruise ship! (WTF?) Lila sees the figure striding toward her and screams, “Tisiano!” before fainting in Bruce’s arms.
To be continued in SVU #13 - SS Heartbreak