Sweet Valley Kids #8: Jessica's Zoo Adventure
Sweet Valley Kids #8: Jessica's Zoo Adventure
So, this book isn't quite as funny as Jessica's Animal Instincts, by which I mean this one is woefully lacking in bird-fearing Bruce action. It does include an escaped monkey, though. So it's got that going on.
Sorry about the craptastic cover image. This scene, as with pretty much any other SVK book, never happens. I like how Liz appears to be trying to pick Jess's nose there. She's gotten really invasive with her meddling.
The book starts out with hyperactive Jessica and Elizabeth excited because their class is going on a field trip to the zoo. But enough plot development, says Molly Mia Stewart. What the readers really want to see is a page-long twin blurb! In which we learn that the twins sometimes share gum. Um. Ew.
Anyway, in her once-a-year display of involved parenting, Mrs. Wakefield is coming along on the field trip as class mother. I don't know how she finds the time, considering that not-yet-Spanish-tiled kitchen isn't going to interior decorate itself.
Elizabeth decides that the zoo trip is going to be "their best field trip ever!" Now, admittedly they're only in second grade, so there isn't a lot of competition. But still, does everything the twins do have to be the best ever? Can't anything just be "it won't totally suck!" And does it apply to everyday stuff? "This is going to be the best tooth flossing ever!"
Wow, that tangent kind of got away from me there.
Alice, Elizabeth, and Jessica get to the girls' classroom, where Winston Egbert is pretending to eat a banana "the way a gorilla would." So...with his feet? That's almost as gross as the twins' ABC gum.
Mrs. Becker tells the students to pair up with a buddy. I hated the buddy system on field trips. I always wondered what would happen if both buddies got lost/kidnapped/murdered by psycho doppelgangers. Well, Mrs. Becker? What good is your precious buddy system then?
Oh, and also all the other girls were super cliquey, so I always ended up paired with some jerk no one else wanted for a buddy. But mostly it was the safety issue. Really.
Elizabeth and Jessica pair up (of course) and end up at the back of the line to get on the bus. Jessica tries to cut in line to walk next to her mother, but Alice makes them go back to the end. Wait. A Wakefield twin just got sent to the back of the line. WTF, Alice! Are you new or something?
Once on the bus, Jessica is mad because they don't get the best seats...at the front of the bus. Except that the best seats are at the back of the bus, dumbass. Alice won't let them trade with Amy and Eva, though, so they "have" to sit in the back.
Sitting behind them, Todd leans over the seat and asks Elizabeth if she wants to see snakes and he slithers his arm around her head. I soooo wish this was a Sweet Valley High book instead of Sweet Valley Kids, because the joke I just thought of is way too creepy when they're only seven. Dammit.
When the kids get to the zoo, they're told that a chimp has escaped, so the monkey house is closed. Of course, that's certainly not going to be relevant to the plot. Nope. Not one bit.
First, the class gets to feed baby animals with bottles. A goat knocks the bottle out of Jessica's hands, spilling the milk, but Alice says she only gets one bottle. Screw hungry baby animals! Arbitrary rules are more important!
Next, the class decides to see the snakes, but Jessica doesn't want to. She's also mad because Alice has been scolding her all day, so she decides she's going to leave the group and see the monkeys instead.
Elizabeth wants to rejoin the group, but she's bound by the ironclad buddy system. See what I mean? The buddy system causes nothing but misery!
Todd, who can't be more than three feet away from Elizabeth at any time, also leaves the group. Winston, being his buddy, has no choice but to tag along. (shakes fist) How many more lives must you ruin, Mrs. Becker? How many more lives?!
As the four kids start to head for the monkey house, Winston notices that Jessica's bracelet is loose. Jessica ignores Elizabeth's advice to put it in her pocket.
FORESHADOWING
Todd and Winston argue about which way the monkey house is until Elizabeth points out that there's a sign behind them that says they're both wrong. I turn the page and see a picture showing that the sign is immediately next to Todd's head.
Todd's the one with cargo pants pulled up to his armpits. Turn around, Todd!
Incidentally, Winston's banana is getting a little crushed. In case you were worried. Or impatient for random creepy innuendo.
They reach the monkey house, and Jessica is surprised to find that the doors are locked. Even though she knows a chimp recently escaped from it. Even though the zookeeper told her earlier that they'd closed the monkey house. Even though there's a freaking sign outside that says "Closed!"
And yet she still doesn't get it, as she and the others wander around looking for another entrance. Even Todd seems doubtful of this plan. Todd.
Finally, they give up. Elizabeth notices three zoo workers looking up into a tree for the chimp. Guys? You might find the chimp faster if you check different trees instead of all looking at the same one. Just saying.
Perhaps because they, too, see that the workers are living up to the usual Sweet Valley adult standard of excellence, the kids decide to look for the chimp themselves.
Wow! Looks like that escaped chimp was relevant to the plot! Who could have guessed?
The kids look in some garbage cans and briefly consider checking the bathrooms. They don't, but that's only because no one-not even a chimp-goes to the bathroom in Sweet Valley. I'm not even sure why they have them.
Then the story finally gets interesting when Jessica wanders into a construction area marked "No Entry." Ooh, sounds dangerous and exciting! Stupid Liz convinces her to come back, though, which makes me wish this was a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
If Jessica decides to venture further into the mysterious forbidden area, turn to page 24. If Jessica turns around and goes back to wandering aimlessly and whining about monkeys, turn to page 27.
The kids realize that everyone else is probably looking for them, so they decide to find their class. Then, Jessica realizes that her bracelet is missing! How not in the slightest bit predictable!
Elizabeth, by the way, immediately asks where Jessica lost it. Trust Elizabeth to ask the most phenomenally stupid question possible.
So, now the attention-span-deprived kids have abruptly switched from searching for the chimp to searching for a name bracelet. They get lost and wind up back at the "No Entry" place, and I get excited again because all of them walk past the sign into the Scary Construction Zone of No Return. Yay! Vague danger! I'm already picturing creepy vampires, British werewolves, and seven-year-old Margo in there.
Suddenly, Jessica hears a noise. She follows it to a big water pipe and looks inside.
If Jessica finds a bunch of psycho doppelgangers drinking magic vodka and pushing each other into pools, turn to page 52. If Jessica finds that stupid chimp, turn to page 56.
Yes, as if there was ever any doubt, four second-graders have succeeded in finding the chimp while dozens of trained professionals continue to peer blankly into trees. By now I'm sure the zoo employees have given up, put a picture of a chimp into the empty cage, and called it close enough. Assuming they even remember what they were looking for in the first place.
Jessica and Winston stay with the chimp while Todd and Elizabeth go to find help. Todd to the rescue!
If Todd punches multiple people as he and Liz race off in search of help, turn to page 63. If they just kind of wander off, turn to page 68.
While they wait, Jessica remembers Winston's banana and tells him to pull it out. No, I will never get tired of banana-related dirty jokes. In case you were wondering.
They lure the chimp out of the pipe with the banana just in time for Todd and Elizabeth to return with some zoo workers. I can't believe that for once, Todd and Liz weren't completely useless. It's going to be one hell of a downhill slide when they get to high school, isn't it?
The unnamed zoo workers-the book just calls them "the man" and "the woman"-thank the kids for finding the chimp. Jessica grabs all of the credit, of course, but then they meet up with Alice, Mrs. Becker, and the rest of their class and she feels bad for sneaking off. For about two seconds. Then she immediately becomes the center of attention and basks in the glory of her own awesomeness.
If Jessica is finally brought down to reality by a lecture and grounded for weeks for wandering away from the group and scaring the adults sick, turn to page 77. If she and the others get off with a (very mild and brief) scolding and no punishment whatsoever, turn to page 81.
The girls apologize, say they won't ever do anything like that again, and give her the secret promise sign. Except that we all know that the entire Sweet Valley Kids series depends on those two wandering off, getting into trouble, and ultimately saving the day, so we know how much that promise is worth.
Hey, wait a minute! That signal was supposed to be a secret! Why are they sharing it with their mother? Loose lips sink ships, Jess and Liz!
"The woman" gives the class a tour of the monkey house, and her name turns out to be Miss Weatherby. The poor male zoo worker, however, just kind of fades anonymously out of the story at this point. Maybe he goes off to have exciting adventures in that "No entry" zone.
The kids see the chimp get returned to its mother, and there's a picture that shows that the chimps are kept in by a three-foot-high wall. Well, no wonder the chimp escaped! I think the true mystery here is why the rest of them haven't hopped that wall and left already.
Clearly this zoo put a great deal of thought into security.
If the entire class is suddenly torn limb from limb by dozens of crazed chimps due to the lax zoo security, turn to page 85. If we learn a bunch of random boring facts about chimps, turn to page 89.
Next, Miss Weatherby announces that they're going to name the chimp "Jessica." Everyone starts laughing, and I'm not surprised. I'd laugh, too. Apparently Jessica considers it an honor, though, and she's super excited about it. Jess, I don't think you'll be quite so excited when you reach high school. I mean, the jokes will just about write themselves.
At lunch, Jessica tells her mother about the lost bracelet and Alice suggests they check at the zoo office before they leave. They visit the souvenir shop, where Jessica spends most of a page deciding between a hat and a sticker. Seriously, the author made such a big deal over it, like she did with the escaped chimp and Winston's banana (snigger), that I assumed it would be relevant later. It wasn't.
Alice and the twins ask at the office and it turns out Jessica's bracelet is, in fact, at the lost and found. How very anticlimactic.
If Jessica's bracelet turns out to be infected with whatever that monkey from Outbreak had, turn to page 93. If the twins make some super-lame joke about being lost and found, turn to page 96.
On the bus ride home, Lila and Ellen sit next to the twins. I assume that means across the aisle, because I have yet to see a school bus that can fit four kids-perfect size six or not-on a single seat. Lila informs them that Mrs. Becker is getting married again. The "again" makes it sound like Mrs. Becker gets married often. Black widow or just a victim of several unlucky accidents? You decide!
Lila makes a point of saying Mrs. Becker is marrying someone from Sweet Valley, but you'd think that would be a given. I mean, people from outside Sweet Valley are all freaks who don't drive luxury cars or go to the prom every week-end. Eww.
The girls are worried Mrs. Becker might not be their teacher after she gets married, because she might "go on her honeymoon and never come back." Either Mrs. Becker is planning one kick-ass honeymoon or the twins expect her fiancé to bump her off for the insurance money.
"Will Mrs. Becker get married and never return? Find out in Sweet Valley Kids #9, ELIZABETH'S SUPER-SELLING LEMONADE."
Yeah, I'll just leave you to ponder that amazing non sequitur.
So, this book isn't quite as funny as Jessica's Animal Instincts, by which I mean this one is woefully lacking in bird-fearing Bruce action. It does include an escaped monkey, though. So it's got that going on.
Sorry about the craptastic cover image. This scene, as with pretty much any other SVK book, never happens. I like how Liz appears to be trying to pick Jess's nose there. She's gotten really invasive with her meddling.
The book starts out with hyperactive Jessica and Elizabeth excited because their class is going on a field trip to the zoo. But enough plot development, says Molly Mia Stewart. What the readers really want to see is a page-long twin blurb! In which we learn that the twins sometimes share gum. Um. Ew.
Anyway, in her once-a-year display of involved parenting, Mrs. Wakefield is coming along on the field trip as class mother. I don't know how she finds the time, considering that not-yet-Spanish-tiled kitchen isn't going to interior decorate itself.
Elizabeth decides that the zoo trip is going to be "their best field trip ever!" Now, admittedly they're only in second grade, so there isn't a lot of competition. But still, does everything the twins do have to be the best ever? Can't anything just be "it won't totally suck!" And does it apply to everyday stuff? "This is going to be the best tooth flossing ever!"
Wow, that tangent kind of got away from me there.
Alice, Elizabeth, and Jessica get to the girls' classroom, where Winston Egbert is pretending to eat a banana "the way a gorilla would." So...with his feet? That's almost as gross as the twins' ABC gum.
Mrs. Becker tells the students to pair up with a buddy. I hated the buddy system on field trips. I always wondered what would happen if both buddies got lost/kidnapped/murdered by psycho doppelgangers. Well, Mrs. Becker? What good is your precious buddy system then?
Oh, and also all the other girls were super cliquey, so I always ended up paired with some jerk no one else wanted for a buddy. But mostly it was the safety issue. Really.
Elizabeth and Jessica pair up (of course) and end up at the back of the line to get on the bus. Jessica tries to cut in line to walk next to her mother, but Alice makes them go back to the end. Wait. A Wakefield twin just got sent to the back of the line. WTF, Alice! Are you new or something?
Once on the bus, Jessica is mad because they don't get the best seats...at the front of the bus. Except that the best seats are at the back of the bus, dumbass. Alice won't let them trade with Amy and Eva, though, so they "have" to sit in the back.
Sitting behind them, Todd leans over the seat and asks Elizabeth if she wants to see snakes and he slithers his arm around her head. I soooo wish this was a Sweet Valley High book instead of Sweet Valley Kids, because the joke I just thought of is way too creepy when they're only seven. Dammit.
When the kids get to the zoo, they're told that a chimp has escaped, so the monkey house is closed. Of course, that's certainly not going to be relevant to the plot. Nope. Not one bit.
First, the class gets to feed baby animals with bottles. A goat knocks the bottle out of Jessica's hands, spilling the milk, but Alice says she only gets one bottle. Screw hungry baby animals! Arbitrary rules are more important!
Next, the class decides to see the snakes, but Jessica doesn't want to. She's also mad because Alice has been scolding her all day, so she decides she's going to leave the group and see the monkeys instead.
Elizabeth wants to rejoin the group, but she's bound by the ironclad buddy system. See what I mean? The buddy system causes nothing but misery!
Todd, who can't be more than three feet away from Elizabeth at any time, also leaves the group. Winston, being his buddy, has no choice but to tag along. (shakes fist) How many more lives must you ruin, Mrs. Becker? How many more lives?!
As the four kids start to head for the monkey house, Winston notices that Jessica's bracelet is loose. Jessica ignores Elizabeth's advice to put it in her pocket.
FORESHADOWING
Todd and Winston argue about which way the monkey house is until Elizabeth points out that there's a sign behind them that says they're both wrong. I turn the page and see a picture showing that the sign is immediately next to Todd's head.
Todd's the one with cargo pants pulled up to his armpits. Turn around, Todd!
Incidentally, Winston's banana is getting a little crushed. In case you were worried. Or impatient for random creepy innuendo.
They reach the monkey house, and Jessica is surprised to find that the doors are locked. Even though she knows a chimp recently escaped from it. Even though the zookeeper told her earlier that they'd closed the monkey house. Even though there's a freaking sign outside that says "Closed!"
And yet she still doesn't get it, as she and the others wander around looking for another entrance. Even Todd seems doubtful of this plan. Todd.
Finally, they give up. Elizabeth notices three zoo workers looking up into a tree for the chimp. Guys? You might find the chimp faster if you check different trees instead of all looking at the same one. Just saying.
Perhaps because they, too, see that the workers are living up to the usual Sweet Valley adult standard of excellence, the kids decide to look for the chimp themselves.
Wow! Looks like that escaped chimp was relevant to the plot! Who could have guessed?
The kids look in some garbage cans and briefly consider checking the bathrooms. They don't, but that's only because no one-not even a chimp-goes to the bathroom in Sweet Valley. I'm not even sure why they have them.
Then the story finally gets interesting when Jessica wanders into a construction area marked "No Entry." Ooh, sounds dangerous and exciting! Stupid Liz convinces her to come back, though, which makes me wish this was a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
If Jessica decides to venture further into the mysterious forbidden area, turn to page 24. If Jessica turns around and goes back to wandering aimlessly and whining about monkeys, turn to page 27.
The kids realize that everyone else is probably looking for them, so they decide to find their class. Then, Jessica realizes that her bracelet is missing! How not in the slightest bit predictable!
Elizabeth, by the way, immediately asks where Jessica lost it. Trust Elizabeth to ask the most phenomenally stupid question possible.
So, now the attention-span-deprived kids have abruptly switched from searching for the chimp to searching for a name bracelet. They get lost and wind up back at the "No Entry" place, and I get excited again because all of them walk past the sign into the Scary Construction Zone of No Return. Yay! Vague danger! I'm already picturing creepy vampires, British werewolves, and seven-year-old Margo in there.
Suddenly, Jessica hears a noise. She follows it to a big water pipe and looks inside.
If Jessica finds a bunch of psycho doppelgangers drinking magic vodka and pushing each other into pools, turn to page 52. If Jessica finds that stupid chimp, turn to page 56.
Yes, as if there was ever any doubt, four second-graders have succeeded in finding the chimp while dozens of trained professionals continue to peer blankly into trees. By now I'm sure the zoo employees have given up, put a picture of a chimp into the empty cage, and called it close enough. Assuming they even remember what they were looking for in the first place.
Jessica and Winston stay with the chimp while Todd and Elizabeth go to find help. Todd to the rescue!
If Todd punches multiple people as he and Liz race off in search of help, turn to page 63. If they just kind of wander off, turn to page 68.
While they wait, Jessica remembers Winston's banana and tells him to pull it out. No, I will never get tired of banana-related dirty jokes. In case you were wondering.
They lure the chimp out of the pipe with the banana just in time for Todd and Elizabeth to return with some zoo workers. I can't believe that for once, Todd and Liz weren't completely useless. It's going to be one hell of a downhill slide when they get to high school, isn't it?
The unnamed zoo workers-the book just calls them "the man" and "the woman"-thank the kids for finding the chimp. Jessica grabs all of the credit, of course, but then they meet up with Alice, Mrs. Becker, and the rest of their class and she feels bad for sneaking off. For about two seconds. Then she immediately becomes the center of attention and basks in the glory of her own awesomeness.
If Jessica is finally brought down to reality by a lecture and grounded for weeks for wandering away from the group and scaring the adults sick, turn to page 77. If she and the others get off with a (very mild and brief) scolding and no punishment whatsoever, turn to page 81.
The girls apologize, say they won't ever do anything like that again, and give her the secret promise sign. Except that we all know that the entire Sweet Valley Kids series depends on those two wandering off, getting into trouble, and ultimately saving the day, so we know how much that promise is worth.
Hey, wait a minute! That signal was supposed to be a secret! Why are they sharing it with their mother? Loose lips sink ships, Jess and Liz!
"The woman" gives the class a tour of the monkey house, and her name turns out to be Miss Weatherby. The poor male zoo worker, however, just kind of fades anonymously out of the story at this point. Maybe he goes off to have exciting adventures in that "No entry" zone.
The kids see the chimp get returned to its mother, and there's a picture that shows that the chimps are kept in by a three-foot-high wall. Well, no wonder the chimp escaped! I think the true mystery here is why the rest of them haven't hopped that wall and left already.
Clearly this zoo put a great deal of thought into security.
If the entire class is suddenly torn limb from limb by dozens of crazed chimps due to the lax zoo security, turn to page 85. If we learn a bunch of random boring facts about chimps, turn to page 89.
Next, Miss Weatherby announces that they're going to name the chimp "Jessica." Everyone starts laughing, and I'm not surprised. I'd laugh, too. Apparently Jessica considers it an honor, though, and she's super excited about it. Jess, I don't think you'll be quite so excited when you reach high school. I mean, the jokes will just about write themselves.
At lunch, Jessica tells her mother about the lost bracelet and Alice suggests they check at the zoo office before they leave. They visit the souvenir shop, where Jessica spends most of a page deciding between a hat and a sticker. Seriously, the author made such a big deal over it, like she did with the escaped chimp and Winston's banana (snigger), that I assumed it would be relevant later. It wasn't.
Alice and the twins ask at the office and it turns out Jessica's bracelet is, in fact, at the lost and found. How very anticlimactic.
If Jessica's bracelet turns out to be infected with whatever that monkey from Outbreak had, turn to page 93. If the twins make some super-lame joke about being lost and found, turn to page 96.
On the bus ride home, Lila and Ellen sit next to the twins. I assume that means across the aisle, because I have yet to see a school bus that can fit four kids-perfect size six or not-on a single seat. Lila informs them that Mrs. Becker is getting married again. The "again" makes it sound like Mrs. Becker gets married often. Black widow or just a victim of several unlucky accidents? You decide!
Lila makes a point of saying Mrs. Becker is marrying someone from Sweet Valley, but you'd think that would be a given. I mean, people from outside Sweet Valley are all freaks who don't drive luxury cars or go to the prom every week-end. Eww.
The girls are worried Mrs. Becker might not be their teacher after she gets married, because she might "go on her honeymoon and never come back." Either Mrs. Becker is planning one kick-ass honeymoon or the twins expect her fiancé to bump her off for the insurance money.
"Will Mrs. Becker get married and never return? Find out in Sweet Valley Kids #9, ELIZABETH'S SUPER-SELLING LEMONADE."
Yeah, I'll just leave you to ponder that amazing non sequitur.