Sweet Valley Twins #21: Left Behind
So I have a story. I walked by this antique shop after getting my morning bagel today, and they had several old books laid out. Guess what is officially an antique now? Sweet Valley Twins. So now I guess it's okay for everyone to display them prominently on your shelves again! And when people try to mock you, you can just scoff and say, “They're antiques, duh!”
Also, they charged me a dollar for this. I'm not sure if I got a deal (Sweet Valley for just a dollar!) or was completely ripped off (a whole fucking dollar?). I guess we'll find out!
Sweet Valley Twins #21: Left Behind
Just to be clear, even though this is called “Left Behind” it has nothing to do with that Christian book series about the sinners left on Earth after the rapture. Although, I suppose it could be set in that world, because surely if the rapture happened, then everyone in Sweet Valley would indeed be left behind. In fact, I predict no change in Sweet Valley after the Lord returns.
Elizabeth and Amy talk about how awesome their stupid sixth grade newspaper (The Sweet Valley Sixers) is. A random girl named Sarah Thomas is also there. I don't remember her being in any other book, but correct me if I'm wrong. (I am wrong.) The three of them have a history project to work on together. Amy doesn't want to do it over the weekend, but Sarah says she “hates weekends” and the other two girls are scandalized. Hate weekends!? Is she a communist?
Sarah suggests they do their project on the Gold Rush. It seems odd to me that their teacher just said, “Hey, do a project, I don't give a crap what you do it on” but this is a Sweet Valley learning institution so maybe I shouldn't be surprised at all.
Jessica is trying to impress Janet Howell. Janet is the president of the Unicorn Club, which is the shit. The shit. The UC is going to have a party (I know you're shocked) but Janet doesn't want a boring run-of-the-mill party; she wants something special. Jessica suggests a luau. And Janet says, “I'm glad you volunteered your house like that, Jessica. Is Steven home? He's in high school so he's hot.”
What ever happened to Janet? Did she appear in Sweet Valley High at all?
When Jessica asks her parents (or more accurately, tells her parents) about the party. They say they'll be glad to have Jessica and Liz's friends over. Jess is like, no, no, you misunderstand; Liz's friends are dorks! And they get mad and says she can't have a party at her house and not invite her sister. Jessica apparently was planning to do just that.
The next day, the Wakefields are randomly taking their daughters to the skating rink. They are each allowed to bring one friend. Jessica was going to take Lila but instead decides to invite Janet (if this were Best Week Ever I would give that choice a huge DOWNGRADE!) while Liz already invited Amy. Amy, however, has to cancel and Liz tries to invite Sarah instead. Sarah ominously mentions she has no way to get there because her father is not home, and Liz helpfully says they can pick her up.
Imagine my shock and glee when it is revealed this “skating rink” is not ice skating but rollerskating! Ha! I love the 80's. We are offered as proof that Sarah is neglected the fact that she does not own her own rollerskates. I know. The horror! After her mom died, her dad “got forgetful” and never bought her a new pair. Oh my god! Call child services now!
Anyway, Sarah's dad has a new fiancée, Annie, whom Sarah does not like. When Sarah arrives home from the roller rink, Annie is sitting on the couch doing her nails. She orders Sarah to do the dishes (she can't because her nails are wet). Her father comes home to announce he's going away on business for a week, as all Sweet Valley parents are required to abandon their children at least once a month. Thus Sarah will be left alone with her evil (future) step-mother, Annie. Oh noes!
The next day, Annie, adapting to Sweet Valley parenthood in record time, tells Sarah that she's leaving to “look after her sick younger sister” and will not be home that evening. Sarah is shocked that she won't be home for dinner and is afraid to be left alone.
At school, Lila is pissed at Jessica. She ditched her for Janet! Jessica is all, “But you don't like roller skating!” and Lila is all, “That's not the point, you sneaky backstabber. You're supposed to be my best friend” and she stomps off. Jessica, apparently not taking the hint, goes to see what Janet is up to.
Sarah is moppy at school. She dreads going home so she spends extra time on the history project. When she does get home, her father calls and he blithely accepts her lie that Annie is in the shower and that's why she can't come to the phone. See, if I were Sarah, I'd totally tell on Annie and be like “She's a bitch and she left me alone” but Sarah is very mousy and just keeps her mouth shut and spends her life dreading the wedding that she could easily stop by speaking up.
Then Sarah's aunt Lillian calls. She is Sarah's dead mother's sister and Lillian seems to suspect something is wrong from the tone of Sarah's voice. It says something about Mr. Thomas's mad parenting skills that he can't sense this tone when he's living with her and Lillian can do it remotely.
That night, Sarah spends the entire night afraid. She keeps hearing noises and assuming ax murderers are coming for her. I'd say she's paranoid but she is a sixth grader left alone in Sweet fucking Valley where there are murderers around every corner. I'm surprised she's not dead already.
Elizabeth tries to talk to Jessica about how worried she is about Sarah. But all Jessica wants to talk about is Janet and the party. She thinks Liz and Lila are just jealous that she's so close to Janet now. She goes to Janet's house and Janet is like “We can't hang out here, my house is being painted” but it's clear to everyone but Jessica she is lying. Janet just wants to go to the Casa Wakefield because she wants to see Steven. In fact, she doesn't give two figs about this stupid party Jessica is planning. She's only interested in Steven.
Steven happens to be home and he is so not interested in Janet. Janet gets pissed. Jessica realizes what is up and she and Janet fight. Jessica insists the Unicorn Club would be boring without her awesome party. Janet thinks Jessica's ideas are childish or whatever and stomps off. Jessica goes to call Lila and complain about what a bitch Janet is, only to realize she can't because Lila is still mad at her. I told you it was a downgrade, but you don't listen.
Tuesday, Annie is supposed to return. Sarah is excited to not be alone anymore even if she does hate Annie. But then the evil (future) step-mother never shows up and doesn't call to explain why. So Sarah is once again forced to spend the night alone. She isn't able to sleep and spends the next day at school getting yelled at by teachers for napping in class.
After school, Sarah falls asleep and is awakened by the phone. It's aunt Lilian who is increasingly worried. Then Annie calls (Sarah always seems to get two phone calls in a row), Sarah tells her she's afraid and doesn't want to be alone. Annie tells her when she was Sarah's age she took care of all her brothers and sisters by herself. So stop being a baby and to act like a grown up. Then announces she'll be gone until Saturday (this is now Wednesday).
Liz invites Amy and Sarah to sleepover at her house on Friday. Sarah is excited because she won't have to spend at least one night alone. Sleepovers were so awesome when I was in middle school. They were my favorite parties. We'd watch MTV and play the Sweet Valley High board game! I sort of want to have one now. But I'd need to buy the game off ebay or something. It wouldn't be a proper sleepover without it.
The book skips ahead to Friday. I guess Sarah did not get ax murdered in those other two nights she had to spend alone.
There is a Unicorn Club meeting and Jessica is worried she will get kicked out because of her fight with Janet. Liz tries to console her and say that Jessica will always be her best friend. This does not soothe Jessica at all. Instead, Jessica goes to apologize to Lila. They make up. Thank god! Or else Jessica would have to really be best friends with Liz! (Serious downgrade!) Then at the meeting, the other Unicorns think a luau is a fabulous idea and Janet is forced to eat crow. She also asks Jessica to remind Steven he can come... She cannot take a hint, can she?
Amy and Liz are worried about Sarah. Her jeans are wrinkled! Her blouse is not buttoned! Oh noes.
At home, Sarah trips and hurts herself falling down the stairs. She cannot make it to the phone to call for help! When Liz, Amy and Ned arrive to pick her up for the sleepover, no one answers the door. Being nosy, Liz looks in through a window and sees Sarah's body at the foot of the stairs. Ned actually breaks the window, and Liz crawls inside to see if she's okay. She's alive and they call an ambulance.
The doctor tells them that Sarah has a concussion and is unconscious (still?). Mr. Thomas arrives (Ned called him) and can't understand why Annie wasn't around. He thinks she must be hurt too, which shows he knows as much about his girlfriend as he does about his daughter. He calls Annie's family home to see what's up. He is told Annie does not have a younger sister and she hasn't been home in weeks. Ha!
Annie shows up and Mr. Thomas dumps her. Then aunt Lillian shows up (she flew in, worried about her niece) and can't believe how neglected Sarah is. She announces wants to take Sarah home with her. To me, this sounds like an awesome idea. Clearly her dad knows jack squat about raising a daughter. But noooo. Apparently leaving Sweet Valley is a horrible punishment.
Liz explains to Sarah that if she wants to stay with her dad she has to tell her aunt Lillian that. And Sarah is like, oh is that how it works? I'm supposed to tell people what I feel? So like when I was left alone in the house I should have called someone? Or mentioned that Annie was a bitch? God, it's a good thing Liz is there to explain how speech works to her.
Anyway, Sarah stays with her dad and we're supposed to be happy about this. Even though he left her alone with a crazy woman for a week? In Sweet Valley, bad parenting is not a problem!
Also, they charged me a dollar for this. I'm not sure if I got a deal (Sweet Valley for just a dollar!) or was completely ripped off (a whole fucking dollar?). I guess we'll find out!
Sweet Valley Twins #21: Left Behind
Just to be clear, even though this is called “Left Behind” it has nothing to do with that Christian book series about the sinners left on Earth after the rapture. Although, I suppose it could be set in that world, because surely if the rapture happened, then everyone in Sweet Valley would indeed be left behind. In fact, I predict no change in Sweet Valley after the Lord returns.
Elizabeth and Amy talk about how awesome their stupid sixth grade newspaper (The Sweet Valley Sixers) is. A random girl named Sarah Thomas is also there. I don't remember her being in any other book, but correct me if I'm wrong. (I am wrong.) The three of them have a history project to work on together. Amy doesn't want to do it over the weekend, but Sarah says she “hates weekends” and the other two girls are scandalized. Hate weekends!? Is she a communist?
Sarah suggests they do their project on the Gold Rush. It seems odd to me that their teacher just said, “Hey, do a project, I don't give a crap what you do it on” but this is a Sweet Valley learning institution so maybe I shouldn't be surprised at all.
Jessica is trying to impress Janet Howell. Janet is the president of the Unicorn Club, which is the shit. The shit. The UC is going to have a party (I know you're shocked) but Janet doesn't want a boring run-of-the-mill party; she wants something special. Jessica suggests a luau. And Janet says, “I'm glad you volunteered your house like that, Jessica. Is Steven home? He's in high school so he's hot.”
What ever happened to Janet? Did she appear in Sweet Valley High at all?
When Jessica asks her parents (or more accurately, tells her parents) about the party. They say they'll be glad to have Jessica and Liz's friends over. Jess is like, no, no, you misunderstand; Liz's friends are dorks! And they get mad and says she can't have a party at her house and not invite her sister. Jessica apparently was planning to do just that.
The next day, the Wakefields are randomly taking their daughters to the skating rink. They are each allowed to bring one friend. Jessica was going to take Lila but instead decides to invite Janet (if this were Best Week Ever I would give that choice a huge DOWNGRADE!) while Liz already invited Amy. Amy, however, has to cancel and Liz tries to invite Sarah instead. Sarah ominously mentions she has no way to get there because her father is not home, and Liz helpfully says they can pick her up.
Imagine my shock and glee when it is revealed this “skating rink” is not ice skating but rollerskating! Ha! I love the 80's. We are offered as proof that Sarah is neglected the fact that she does not own her own rollerskates. I know. The horror! After her mom died, her dad “got forgetful” and never bought her a new pair. Oh my god! Call child services now!
Anyway, Sarah's dad has a new fiancée, Annie, whom Sarah does not like. When Sarah arrives home from the roller rink, Annie is sitting on the couch doing her nails. She orders Sarah to do the dishes (she can't because her nails are wet). Her father comes home to announce he's going away on business for a week, as all Sweet Valley parents are required to abandon their children at least once a month. Thus Sarah will be left alone with her evil (future) step-mother, Annie. Oh noes!
The next day, Annie, adapting to Sweet Valley parenthood in record time, tells Sarah that she's leaving to “look after her sick younger sister” and will not be home that evening. Sarah is shocked that she won't be home for dinner and is afraid to be left alone.
At school, Lila is pissed at Jessica. She ditched her for Janet! Jessica is all, “But you don't like roller skating!” and Lila is all, “That's not the point, you sneaky backstabber. You're supposed to be my best friend” and she stomps off. Jessica, apparently not taking the hint, goes to see what Janet is up to.
Sarah is moppy at school. She dreads going home so she spends extra time on the history project. When she does get home, her father calls and he blithely accepts her lie that Annie is in the shower and that's why she can't come to the phone. See, if I were Sarah, I'd totally tell on Annie and be like “She's a bitch and she left me alone” but Sarah is very mousy and just keeps her mouth shut and spends her life dreading the wedding that she could easily stop by speaking up.
Then Sarah's aunt Lillian calls. She is Sarah's dead mother's sister and Lillian seems to suspect something is wrong from the tone of Sarah's voice. It says something about Mr. Thomas's mad parenting skills that he can't sense this tone when he's living with her and Lillian can do it remotely.
That night, Sarah spends the entire night afraid. She keeps hearing noises and assuming ax murderers are coming for her. I'd say she's paranoid but she is a sixth grader left alone in Sweet fucking Valley where there are murderers around every corner. I'm surprised she's not dead already.
Elizabeth tries to talk to Jessica about how worried she is about Sarah. But all Jessica wants to talk about is Janet and the party. She thinks Liz and Lila are just jealous that she's so close to Janet now. She goes to Janet's house and Janet is like “We can't hang out here, my house is being painted” but it's clear to everyone but Jessica she is lying. Janet just wants to go to the Casa Wakefield because she wants to see Steven. In fact, she doesn't give two figs about this stupid party Jessica is planning. She's only interested in Steven.
Steven happens to be home and he is so not interested in Janet. Janet gets pissed. Jessica realizes what is up and she and Janet fight. Jessica insists the Unicorn Club would be boring without her awesome party. Janet thinks Jessica's ideas are childish or whatever and stomps off. Jessica goes to call Lila and complain about what a bitch Janet is, only to realize she can't because Lila is still mad at her. I told you it was a downgrade, but you don't listen.
Tuesday, Annie is supposed to return. Sarah is excited to not be alone anymore even if she does hate Annie. But then the evil (future) step-mother never shows up and doesn't call to explain why. So Sarah is once again forced to spend the night alone. She isn't able to sleep and spends the next day at school getting yelled at by teachers for napping in class.
After school, Sarah falls asleep and is awakened by the phone. It's aunt Lilian who is increasingly worried. Then Annie calls (Sarah always seems to get two phone calls in a row), Sarah tells her she's afraid and doesn't want to be alone. Annie tells her when she was Sarah's age she took care of all her brothers and sisters by herself. So stop being a baby and to act like a grown up. Then announces she'll be gone until Saturday (this is now Wednesday).
Liz invites Amy and Sarah to sleepover at her house on Friday. Sarah is excited because she won't have to spend at least one night alone. Sleepovers were so awesome when I was in middle school. They were my favorite parties. We'd watch MTV and play the Sweet Valley High board game! I sort of want to have one now. But I'd need to buy the game off ebay or something. It wouldn't be a proper sleepover without it.
The book skips ahead to Friday. I guess Sarah did not get ax murdered in those other two nights she had to spend alone.
There is a Unicorn Club meeting and Jessica is worried she will get kicked out because of her fight with Janet. Liz tries to console her and say that Jessica will always be her best friend. This does not soothe Jessica at all. Instead, Jessica goes to apologize to Lila. They make up. Thank god! Or else Jessica would have to really be best friends with Liz! (Serious downgrade!) Then at the meeting, the other Unicorns think a luau is a fabulous idea and Janet is forced to eat crow. She also asks Jessica to remind Steven he can come... She cannot take a hint, can she?
Amy and Liz are worried about Sarah. Her jeans are wrinkled! Her blouse is not buttoned! Oh noes.
At home, Sarah trips and hurts herself falling down the stairs. She cannot make it to the phone to call for help! When Liz, Amy and Ned arrive to pick her up for the sleepover, no one answers the door. Being nosy, Liz looks in through a window and sees Sarah's body at the foot of the stairs. Ned actually breaks the window, and Liz crawls inside to see if she's okay. She's alive and they call an ambulance.
The doctor tells them that Sarah has a concussion and is unconscious (still?). Mr. Thomas arrives (Ned called him) and can't understand why Annie wasn't around. He thinks she must be hurt too, which shows he knows as much about his girlfriend as he does about his daughter. He calls Annie's family home to see what's up. He is told Annie does not have a younger sister and she hasn't been home in weeks. Ha!
Annie shows up and Mr. Thomas dumps her. Then aunt Lillian shows up (she flew in, worried about her niece) and can't believe how neglected Sarah is. She announces wants to take Sarah home with her. To me, this sounds like an awesome idea. Clearly her dad knows jack squat about raising a daughter. But noooo. Apparently leaving Sweet Valley is a horrible punishment.
Liz explains to Sarah that if she wants to stay with her dad she has to tell her aunt Lillian that. And Sarah is like, oh is that how it works? I'm supposed to tell people what I feel? So like when I was left alone in the house I should have called someone? Or mentioned that Annie was a bitch? God, it's a good thing Liz is there to explain how speech works to her.
Anyway, Sarah stays with her dad and we're supposed to be happy about this. Even though he left her alone with a crazy woman for a week? In Sweet Valley, bad parenting is not a problem!