SVJH #19: She Loves Me...Not. OMINOUS!
(I suppose now might be a good time to tell you all about how I have tons of files on my computer, all labeled things like 1bruce1 - svjh 16, 1bruce1 - svjh 19, 1bruce1 - svjh 20, etc. It's sad.)
I have a lot of favorite Sweet Valley Jr. High books. Each one truly holds a special place in my heart, except maybe #14, because that one is just embarrassing. Of 30 SVJH books, I probably have about 10 favorites. This is one of them. In short: Damon falls in love with a teacher (his English teacher, just saying), Jessica gets jealous, the two school assholes hook up, and Anna hates Freddie Prinze Jr.'s eyebrows. Also, there is a character named Chris Grassi, who I kept (accidentally) referring to as Chris de Grassi in the first draft of this recap. And then I kept accidentally-on-purpose calling him that for the rest of this draft, too. Oops.
I don't know how many of you were listening to Radio Disney in 2000, but there was a particular song called "He Loves U Not" (and I feel ashamed just to admit that I still remember it, as well as most of the words), and every time I see this book, I play it in my head and hum along as I read about Jessica's love life.
Anyway.
This book? Is awesome. It is truly the pinnacle of SVJH, and all SVJH books should aspire to be like this one. I mean, this recap practically wrote itself. It's beautiful.
We begin with a bunch of journal entries for Mrs. Serson's class (I can only assume Mrs. Serson is the English teacher). Richard Griggs (who is important in this book) writes about how he doesn't understand girls. See, he cheated on Elizabeth Wakefield with like, a bajillion different girls, and now she hates him and he just doesn't get it. I mean, what's her deal? Really. Larissa journals about how sometimes she feels really smart, and other times she feels really stupid. Like, she feels smart when she can figure out the TV Guide crossword, but she feels stupid in every class except gym and lunch. Larissa, if you think lunch is a class...well...
Blue writes some poetry. It's...to be honest, I don't know if it's bad or good. I'm not into poetry. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that it's bad.
Damon (our main character in this book) writes about last night's rerun of CHiPS. I have to admit, I kind of love his description of the show: These two guys are cops, and they ride these big, old-fashioned motorcycles all over the place, and they always get the bad guy in some stupid, predictable way. I watch it every night. It's really good to fall asleep to. I have the feeling that Damon would be a fan of Sweet Valley. You know, if he wasn't already in it.
But, sadly, unlike a rant about those wacky girls (my God, who knew cheating would make them mad?) or poorly written poetry, TV plots really aren't exposing Damon's soul to the English teacher. She keeps him after class. Damon is terrified, because apparently, the only other person Mrs. Serson's ever kept after class is some dude Rick Pierce, for carving "four-letter" words onto his desk. Ooooh. I wonder what they were. In Sweet Valley? Probably "butt", and maybe "John." Damon observes that Mrs. Serson is a pretty cool teacher. She's cute. Young. Blonde. Looks like Robert Red--oh, sorry. She is concerned that Damon isn't spilling his guts to her. She wants to know what makes him laugh! What makes him cry! What motivates him! (I wasn't aware that ninth-graders could be motivated at all.) Damon mumbles his agreement and then gets the hell out of there. As you do.
Jessica! She is so glad that it is Friday. She could kiss the floor. Liz is like, "Please don't." Jessica has a nefarious plan for Saturday night: she's going to invite Damon over for a movie. Elizabeth's eyebrows immediately shoot up, like, ooh, movies. You so dirty, Jessica. She says, "Do you really think Mom and Dad are going to let you invite some guy over to sit alone in the den?" Oh, I can't get over that. Sitting! So wrong! (By the way, if Elizabeth actually expects her parents to be competent, she's not as smart as everyone thinks she is.) Jessica's like, "I'm sure they'll go for it if you say you'll be there. And then conveniently sneak back up to your room." Ah. I've missed scheming, slightly psychotic Jessica. Things just aren't the same when she's a decent human being.
(By the way, it's mentioned that Jessica and Liz have been attached at the hip for thirteen years. So they're definitely 13 in this series.)
But then comes the real question: will Damon even want to come? What if he's changed his mind? What if he's -- horror -- into brunettes? Just then, Blue comes up and is all, "Hey, by the way, Damon's in major trouble with the English teacher. I doubt he's going anywhere, see ya!" Jessica is all worried -- her poor, troubled boyfriend! He has so much on his shoulders! Hilariously, it's mentioned that Elizabeth is doing that "whole concerned-wrinkled-brow thing she has down pat." Ahahaha.
Lacey! She is a heinous mood. Really. Heinous. Bethel's all, "What's YOUR deal?" and Lacey starts ranting about all the terrible things that have happened that day. It's mentioned that Anna Wang slammed her locker on Lacey's hair, which cracks me up. I kind of love when people from different groups interact. And just when this day couldn't get any worse, she runs right into Richard Griggs, he of the confusing cheating. She's all, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and Richard says, "Maybe I was just blinded by your beauty." Lacey's like, "Could you BE any more cheesy?" (He can, by the way.) Lacey's about to tell him to go shove it up his nose, when Liz rounds the corner, and, as Lacey puts it, "[she] can never resist making a Wakefield squirm." She does the touchy-feely with Richard, and Liz is just like ;_; Lacey says, "It's just too easy." Lacey's a bitch. But she's also kind of hilarious.
Elizabeth, she who dumped Richard. She's at volleyball practice and is completely off her game. The reason? "Richard Aaron Griggs. And Lacey Frells." Damn, Lacey's name is unfortunate. It is just this side of "Lacy Frills." (On the other hand, I would've loved to have a name like that when I was seven. Shut up.) Some random girl named Marlee Randall starts bitching to her friend Diva (no, I'm serious -- no, seriously) about how terrible Liz's playing is today. Shut up, Marlee. You can't even spell your name properly. You and your friend Diva. Blue comes over to cheer Liz up. She thinks about how kind Blue's blue eyes (dear God, don't ever let me write a sentence like that again) are. Unlike Richard Griggs's eyes. He's such an asshole. Liz hates him so much. And she doesn't care at all that he and Lacey are doing the eighth-grade touchy-feely. AT ALL. She doesn't care! See how much she doesn't care! She is so uncaring! No caring at all!
Damon. He's at home with his family and the sink is clogged. He's about to go fix it, but his mom is like, "No, it's cool, I'll just get Ben to do it." Ben is his mom's boyfriend. He is nice. Damon hates him. He feels like he's being replaced. I can't really find a way to make this funny.
Lacey. She's at the arcade with Gel and his friend Rob. They're both ninth-graders, and both idiots. Okay, for some reason I was under the impression that Gel is a ninth-grader, which would be ridiculous since he drives a car, which brings up the new question, what self-respecting sixteen-year-old would date an eighth-grader? However, I still stand by my statement that they are idiots. They're playing crappy arcade games and she's just hanging out, being unamused by their antics, when who should show up but Richard Griggs. She flirts with him and is annoyed when her new dress doesn't make him miss any mini-basketball shots. He flirts back and invites her to play Skee Ball with him. Dirty. She takes a few tokens and is totally going to take him up on his offer, but then randomly decides that she can't do it and runs away with the tokens. O...kay...?
Richard journals about how Lacey is different from all the other girls he's dated. She's so bitchy, and contrary, and is a general pain in the ass. He thinks it's kind of hot.
Jessica. It's Saturday night, and she and Damon are sitting together in the den. She mentions that her parents let him come over without even telling her to be good. See what I mean? Jessica tries to get Damon to tell her why he was kept after class, but he isn't picking up on any of her hints. ("So, fail any classes lately?") She's all frustrated, like, "We were boyfriend and girlfriend! He doesn't tell me anything!" Maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal, JESSICA. At that moment, Elizabeth "bounces" into the room with Salvador and Anna. Salvador's all, "Ooh, are we interrupting some G-rated nasty?" and Jessica and Damon are like, "NO" and immediately move apart on the couch. Heh. Damon mentions that they're watching She's All That (on...their date? Is this normal?) and Anna's all, "Ugh, I hate this movie," while grabbing some popcorn in her fist and eating it like it's an apple, and thus, the greatest exchange of this book ensues:
WORD-FOR-WORD DIALOGUE FROM SWEET VALLEY JR. HIGH #19, SHE LOVES ME...NOT, PAGE 28
Anna: Ugh! I hate this movie!
Jessica: Ick, Anna.
Elizabeth: She can't eat finger food one by one. She has this thing about it.
Anna: Whatever. [to Salvador] At least I'm not afraid of mustard.
Damon: You're afraid of mustard?
Elizabeth: Petrified!
Salvador: Long story. But it's not as bad as the reason Anna hates this movie.
Jessica: Why?
Salvador and Elizabeth: BECAUSE SHE HATES FREDDIE PRINZE JUNIOR'S EYEBROWS!
It feels so good to love you again, Anna.
This only serves to depress Jessica. Salvador, Liz, and Anna know everything about each other! Jessica doesn't know anything about Damon! We close out on Jessica's POV with the line, "Maybe things with Damon weren't as perfect as I'd thought." OMINOUS.
Casa Damon. Ben's over, helping out around the house. Damon is possessive. How dare this man just come into their home and act like a caring and responsible adult! How dare he attempt to help Damon out around the house! How DARE he give Damon free time to enjoy being a teenager! The NERVE! Damon's all, "No, seriously, I can handle it" and everyone in the house is like, "Hey, it's fine, do your homework, chillax with your girlfriend, whatever," and he's like, "WHYYY?" Ben wins and Damon goes off to journal for English.
Journal time! Larissa writes about how she loves hanging out with her friends at the movie. She hates school. Whatever, dude. Damon journals about his FEELINGS about Ben and the broken sink. It's very emotional. I'm sure Mrs. Serson will be pleased. Or something.
Elizabeth. She's at her computer, reading about Earth Day for some science project that we...are actually going to hear about again. Say hey for an actual plot point! Jessica comes in and is all mopey, and Liz bookmarks the page because Jessica can "click onto a makeup Web site in about two-point-five seconds." Does this include all the loading time, considering they're on dialup? But no! Liquid eyeliner is not the first thing on Jessica's mind today! :O! Liz asks her what's wrong and Jessica is like, "Damon doesn't share! I don't know anything about him!" to which I would've been like, "Well, then why are you dating him, fool?", but whatever. She's all, "You know everything about SalvadorAnna!" and Liz is like, "Well, yeah, but Damon's not LIKE Salvador or Anna. He doesn't SHARE. He's not OPEN." Jessica is not pleased. She also notices that Liz is acting weird, and is all, "What's wrong with YOU?" Liz spills the RichardLacey thing, and Jessica's all, "You're jealous." Liz is like, "Um, did we skip the part where I don't care?" and Jessica says, "You're just jealous Richard found someone first. Maybe you wanted to find someone and rub his face in it before he could. It's perfectly natural." The sociopath twin would know.
Lacey. She opens her locker to find a love note from Richard, and promptly walks up to him and throws the letter at him. I really don't want to like Lacey, but...she's kind of awesome here. He's all, "Lacey, it's true, I love you, you are the light of my life," and Lacey says, "Who do you think I am, Elizabeth Gullible Wakefield?" Burn. She spits a few more insults at him and walks away, feeling all conflicted. She hates him! But she loves him! But she hates him! Whatever.
On the next page, we get Richard's note. It is every bit as corny as you would expect.
Damon. They all turn in their journals. He worries what Mrs. Serson will think of his. She puts the journal in her bag. Damon considers stealing the bag. Yeah.
Jessica. They're pairing up for science projects (as mentioned when Liz was Googling Earth Day). She gets stuck with Chris de Grassi, who has (begin the checklist!): perfect teeth, perfect blue eyes, perfect blond hair, and perfect taste in clothing. He is a jock, and the highest scorer on the basketball team. She describes him as the "textbook definition of a total babe." Jessica starts grinning like an idiot, and Bethel's like, "Psyched to be hooked up with blondie over there?" (Actual quote.) But Jessica isn't! Because her feelings for Damon are so true! But does he feel the same? OMINOUS.
Elizabeth. Richard stops her in the hallway to talk. It is mentioned that Richard is so good-looking, he could be a tear-out page in Fourteen magazine. Fourteen? Really? Liz puts on "a completely blank expression -- like the one Jessica gets when you start talking about current events." I kind of love this ghostwriter. Richard has the nerve to ask her how well she knows Lacey Frells. Liz is just like, "What part of 'I hate that bitch like burning' do you not get?" and Richard's just like, "Okay, I'm sorry I asked" and as he walks away, Liz thinks, "I'd never actually hated anyone before -- until now." Ooooh.
Elizabeth writes a few paragraphs on Why Guys Don't Matter. Some reasons listed: they're clueless, they can't dress themselves, they make fart jokes, they can't remember your birthday but they can remember any and all baseball facts, they don't read, and they are NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OKAY. ("There are exceptions to every rule, and I have to say that my brother, Steven, is an exception because if I don't, he'll give me an atomic wedgie." Ahahaha. I love this book.)
Jessica, the next day, in the cafeteria. Damon suggests that they sit at the "couples" tables. Jessica gets all excited because she thinks that he's finally going to tell her about being kept after English class. Is she still going on about that? Seriously, if he hasn't told you now, he never will. It's been like forty pages already. (Oh Jesus, I'm not even on page 100 yet.) Damon gives her a cookie and it is delicious. He promises to bring her more the next day, and of course he will, because Damon never breaks promises, because he is so attentive and caring! ANVIL. They're having a cute, coupley talk, when all of a sudden, Chris de Grassi shows up and he's all, "Hey, Jessica, let's work on our project!" Jessica's like, "Uh..." and Damon scurries off to give them room to talk. Jessica's relieved that Damon isn't jealous. Isn't he so snazzy?
Elizabeth. She's in the cafeteria line when some dude named Rob (not Gel's friend, some OTHER dude named Rob, or whoever) comes up and randomly (no, I'm serious, it is random, we never hear about him before, and we never hear from him since) launches into this rant about how Liz is just too cool for Richard and he wouldn't know an awesome girlfriend if she walked right up to him and stuck her tongue down his throat, and Liz is too cool for this shit anyway, so...yeah. Then he scrambles off before he can spontaneously combust from excitement. He talked to a girl!!
(Only the Wakefield twins would have a completely new character randomly created for the sole purpose of telling them how awesome they are.)
Damon. He's wandering the halls, being not-jealous. And by not-jealous, I mean paranoid. Chris Grassi has gotten every girl he'd ever wanted, whether she was taken or not. (All at the age of thirteen? Goddamn, these kids get around.) Damon is angsting over this when Mrs. Serson comes into the hall and is all, "Damon! I just finished reading your journal! So nice to see you! Wait, why aren't you at lunch?" and Damon's all, "Um, I gotta get something from my locker," and she's like, "Well, I'll just walk with you then!" They walk along and they chat about writing and Damon's home troubles. Mrs. Serson asks Damon to work on a literary magazine for SVJH. Excitement!
Jessica. She's skipping track practice to go out with Damon, only he has plans with Mrs. Serson. For a second it looks like he's going to tell Jessica all about his life, but then the bell rings and he takes off. Chris Grassi pops up out of fucking nowhere, seriously, and asks if she wants to work on their project. She agrees. Angst abounds. I'm kind of concerned that this Chris de Grassi dude may be a stalker. A stalker who looks like this.
Lacey. She's waiting for Gel. Kristin's like, "Are you SURE you don't need a ride?" and Lacey's like, "I'm SURE." "Are you sure?" "I'm SURE!" Finally, Kristin's like, "If you say so," and drives off. Lacey is left standing there, all pissed off, waiting for Gel's car (which, for those of you who were just burning with curiosity, is a Trans Am). Richard walks up, and Lacey's all, "I am too young and cute for a breakdown" (no, seriously, she says that, aaah why are you making me like Lacey, ghostwriter?), but Richard just walks by without a word. Lacey feels so disturbed!
Damon. The SVJH Literary Magazine has just called its first meeting. Mrs. Serson, as the young, attractive English teacher, is the moderator. Yeah, okay. Also on the magazine: Jennifer Reed and Chelsea Sable. Are we ever going to hear from them again? HA! No! What series did you think this was, anyway? There's a reason these books are not called Continuity Valley. Also because it wasn't as catchy as Sweet Valley. But anyway. They discuss the magazine, and Damon suggests that they should change the name, because Sweet Valley Junior High Literary Magazine sounds "snotty." Well...it does. That and the fact that goddamn, that is a MOUTHFUL. They make the vote to change the name to Our Voices -- at Damon's suggestion, naturally. He's all beaming and peppy because Mrs. Serson listens to him! She makes him feel important! She would never make him feel unimportant! She's not like his unsupportive family! He can spill his SOUL to her, UNLIKE WITH JESSICA! Do you see where this is going?
Lacey. Gel finally shows up, and she just stares at him all angry and he says, "Are you gonna get in or what? I ain't gettin' any younger." This town ain't big enough for the both of us, pardn'r. Lacey's all, "You are SO out of my life," and Gel says, "What?" You're out of her life, Gel! It's not like it's hard to figure out! Jesus, he's as dumb as Todd, and not nearly half as punchy. I want my money back. Lacey thinks, "God, he wasn't even good-looking. He wasn't funny. He wasn't smart. He wasn't even nice to me." While I appreciate Lacey dumping her loser boyfriend, I thought it was already established that she knew this, and was only with him for his cigarettes and his car? Oh, whatever.
By the way, it just occurred to me for the first time in about eight years that a junior in high school was just dumped by an eighth-grader. Man, Gel is a loser.
Anyhoodle, now Lacey is stranded with no ride. And there is Richard! Dude, what is he still doing here? Is he psychic or something? Did he KNOW he'd break up with her boyfriend?! AAAAH. Anyway, she's all, "Unless you have a license and pretty fast car, I suggest you leave me alone" and he's all, "As a matter of fact..." and his mom is there. With a car. Look at that. (Richard also says, "That's my mom. And she just loves to drive pathetic waifs home." Why do I kind of love him? WHY? *SOB*) Richard opens the back door for Lacey, because even though he is an asshole, he is a GENTLEMAN asshole -- or something -- and his mom drives her home. But she hates him. Totally.
Damon. The meeting is over, and he's now walking Mrs. Serson to back to her car. They chit-chat, la dee da, and Damon thinks that she's cute. And then, "I mean, she's not cute like Jessica's cute -- she's cute like a mom's cute." Of course, Damon. Anyway, he feels all happy that someone values him and uh, stuff. Whatever, Damon. *snore*
Jessica. She and Chris not-de Grassi are trying to figure out what they should do for their science project. Chris says that he thinks mold is the greatest science project ever conceived by, and I quote, "man, woman, or child". Dude, mold as a science project can only be conceived by one person. Everyone else is just copying. But I digress. Jessica's like, "Ew, why, all you have to do is leave food out and let it gross" and Chris is like, "PRECISELY. Minimal effort, maximum gross-out potential." You know, I sort of agree. Mold and photosynthesis are two of the most effortless science projects ever. Which is why schools usually don't let you do them, right? I mean, I was in sixth grade, and no one was allowed to do those. Oh, forget it. Chris mentions that he did the mold project in eighth grade, and it made Lacey barf. Hee. I do like that the SVJH kids all seem to have memories of each other. What weirds me out is that, then, isn't Chris in eighth grade too? Why else would he be in Jessica's science class? Or have a class with Lacey? AAAAH.
(By the way, I just remembered that all the way back in book #1, Brian asked Liz to allow him to stick gum inside their shared locker for the purpose of having mold for a science project. Man, I can't believe the ghostwriters can reference that and still forget Toby Meekermartin's last name in four books.)
Anyway, Chris is flirting with Jessica, and Jessica's like, "Why is he wasting his time with me when he can have anyone he wants?" You're a WAKEFIELD, Jessica. Keep up. To get away from him and his inappropriate questions, she goes off to call Damon. But he's not home. Jessica gets all paranoid, wondering where on Earth Damon could be if he wasn't home. While this seems kind of rude, like, the dude might just have a life outside of you, it's not like he's been telling her what he's been up to lately, so...yeah. Jessica hangs up, feeling "very, very awful." OMINOUS.
(Also, it's mentioned that Chris could probably run through the library naked and not get in trouble. I remember this because that image was seared into my brain for years. Even now, whenever I read this part, I picture him as some kind of nudist streaker.)
Lacey. She is in the middle of a "serious dilemma." What could it possibly be? What is this conundrum that has her so perturbed? Truly, it is worrisome: "Penelope was asleep, and the remote control was way out of my reach on the coffee table, and Saved by the Bell had just come on the TV. The question was, did I move and grab the remote, thereby waking up Penelope...or did I watch the single most annoying show ever to hit the airwaves?" Choose wisely, Lacey!
It turns out she doesn't have to choose, as Richard calls, therefore waking up Penelope without Lacey having to do anything. Lacey switches to MTV, picks up the phone, and lo, it is her...I was going to say lady love, but Richard is a dude...so...*twiddles thumbs* Anyway, he kind of rubs his heroics in, all, "Did you get home okay?" and she's like, "Yeah, perfect timing, jerk, you woke my sister up" and he's all, "Yeah, my timing was pretty perfect this afternoon." (Is it just me, or did that just sort of sound dirty?) Lacey gets all flushed and lightheaded and embarrassed and hangs up on him. Because he annoys her. Yeah. Of course. That is exactly what annoyance does to you.
On the next page, we get her 10 reasons why she can't like Richard Griggs. They include: he dated a Wakefield (valid), he thinks he's too cool (valid), he's a player (valid), he wears argyle socks (...), he "...chews cinnamon gum...I think...". She gives up after 6. Oh, just make out already.
Damon. He is PSYCHED! And PUMPED! Our Voices will be so fabulous! He plans to get Elizabeth and some of the Zone dudes involved, because, and I quote, "It seemed like kids really looked up to Elizabeth and Anna and Salvador, and those kids would think Our Voices was cool if Elizabeth and her friends participated." Good Lord. Even with Damon's super-snazzy writing skills, clearly only Elizabeth Wakefield can save them. Isn't this Damon's plot, anyway?
Damon is so pumped, in fact, that he forgets all about Ben, who is watching his sisters. Damon is territorial. Ben is confused. Et cetera.
Jessica. She is sitting next to the phone, "clutch[ing] it with both hands, clos[ing] my eyes, and pray[ing] to the Pacific Bell gods." OMG PACIFIC BELL, THIS FILLS ME WITH A KIND OF GLEE, AHAHAHA. Dude, I remember back when the Giants baseball park was called Pacbell Park. I still call it Pacbell Park, even though I think it's AT&T Park now. That's sad. Why can't we just pick a cool name and leave it at that, instead of changing it for every stupid Internet service provider that buys the park out? You don't see the Yankees having this problem. BUT ANYWAY.
Anyway, Jessica is praying for the phone to ring. She's already constructed an elaborate paranoid fantasy that Damon has spent the afternoon "over at some hot girl's house, having tickling matches and watching teen-romance movies." Dude, Jessica. Elizabeth tells her as much, and is like, "Chill out, he's gonna call" and at that moment, the phone rings. As Jessica puts it, "Even the Pacific Bell gods knew she was supposed to be right all the time."
BUT ALAS! Damon has not called to speak with his lady fair, but with her twin sister, Elizabeth! Jessica is APPALLED and is like, "I spent my whole afternoon NOT FLIRTING with Chris de Grassi for him! Who does he think he is?!"
OH THANK GOD I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT TO PAGE 100. Damon is in English class. Class is over and he is shocked, absolutely shocked, to find that he has been paying attention all through class, has taken informative notes, and is actually enthusiastic about learning! :O!! Well, to be fair, I'd be surprised, too. Mrs. Serson says, "You were very attentive today" to which Damon responds, "Noticed that, huh?" Maybe I've been reading too much Mr. Collins/Liz subtext, but...D: He offers to help her looks through literary magazines to help make Our Voices better. To be honest, I'm surprised no other school has snapped that title up already. It's so damn obvious. Maybe the other schools realized how cheesy it was.
Jessica. Chris Grassi is, as usual, getting up in her personal space. He's all, "So, when can I see you again?" and Jessica's like, "You mean, when are we going to work on the project again?" and Chris is like, "Sure, if that's what you wanna call it." Jessica thinks, "The kid was shameless." You should talk, Jess. Damon suddenly comes up the hall, and Jessica's waiting for him to get jealous, because, "Chris couldn't have made it more clear that he liked me if he had my name tattooed across his forehead." I love this book SO MUCH. Truly, this is the pinnacle of SVJH literature.
Damon does not, however, get jealous, and just is like, "Uh, do you two need to talk?" and Jessica's like, "NO." She thinks, He was willing to leave me with Raging Hormone Boy. Ahahahaha, Raging Hormone Boy. Have I mentioned how much I love this book?
Anyway, Jessica reminds Damon about the cookies he was supposed to bring her, and he's like, "Oh shit" and Jessica gets all paranoid. He dissed her! He wasn't jealous of Raging Hormone Boy! (Though if Chris looks the way I imagine him to, I don't think Damon is unduly worried about the competition.) He isn't telling her anything about his life! And now he is BREAKING PROMISES, OMG, THIS IS TRULY THE END. I dunno, if all he forgot was to ask his mom to bring home some cookies, I don't think it's such a big deal. I forget to do stuff like that all the time. But that's me.
Jessica tries to nosey into Damon's life, with little avail. I don't know why she bothers. Elizabeth got all the meddling genes, doesn't she know? Damon does start babbling about the literary magazine and Mrs. Serson, saying, "Mrs. Serson is so cool. She really likes my ideas, and she's young and friendly, like a real person. You can really talk to her and..." blah blah blah. Wait, is he saying that you have to be young and friendly to be a real person? Like all older, stricter teachers aren't real people? Good Lord, Damon. It should also be mentioned that his eyes "glaze over with admiration as if he was talking about a saint or a supermodel or something." And there Jessica goes, equating saints with supermodels. The two of them really need to work on their language skills.
And then it all clicks into place for Jessica: "Damon was keeping something from me. And he was seeing someone behind my back -- sort of. Damon had a crush on Mrs. Serson." And she very succintly sums up what we are all thinking: "Yuck." Seriously, Jessica.
Lacey. She is going back to her locker for the third time that day. She opens it casually, brushes her hair, picks up a book she doesn't need, until finally she drops the act and digs through all the shit in her locker looking for a note from Richard. But there has not been one! Not all day! She's checked like five times! And finally Lacey is like, "I had to admit it to myself. I was disappointed." And finally, after 112 pages, this relationship gets moving.
Blue writes more bad poetry. Why is he even in this book? You provided our random exposition already, Blue. You can go now.
Damon writes another ~deep~ journal entry for Mrs. Serson. He is jealous! Of Ben, because his sisters like Ben! And OMG, HE IS JEALOUS OF CHRIS DE GRASSI! Because Chris has Jessica in his blonde, basketball playing clutches! Damon feels like he cannot say anything about his jealousy without looking like an immature idiot! Little does he know that Jessica wants him to be jealous! Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we start working on science projects with boys we don't know.
Lacey. She confronts Richard about the lack of notage in her locker. He's like, "Uh, yeah, so?" Lacey's like, "Um, and thank you for driving me home." She thinks, "I sounded so wimpy and pathetic. Like Jessica Wakefield talking to her little Damon puppy dog." Lacey's constant Wakefield references are beginning to worry me, actually. Is she obsessed with them or something? She and Richard awkwardly stumble around each other, until finally Richard's like, "So, hypothetically, if I were to ask you out, what would you say?" and Lacey's like, "Hypothetically, I'd say yes" and Richard's like "So how's Friday for this hypothetical date? :D?" and Lacey's like " :D Friday's great."
Jessica. She is looking for her UCLA shorts. This is only worth mentioning because UCLA is an actual place. You guys! There is life outside Sweet Valley! Anyway, Bethel finds them for her, and they walk off to track practice -- but! Jessica sees Damon WALKING MRS. SERSON TO HER CAR, OMG. He must be stopped! Jessica goes off to confront him. OMINOUS.
Damon. He sees Mrs. Serson off, and then begins the trek home, all cheerful. But then! He is stopped in his tracks by Jessica! She is angry! Betrayed! Damon is clueless. Jessica demands explanations and Damon's like, "Uhhh" and...yeah. It sort of goes back and forth for a while, until Jessica says, "I've known Chris Grassi for two days, and I already know more about him than I do about you!" Damon feels "like [he] had been slapped." Oh, she did NOT say the C-word! He's all, "I can take your anger! BUT HOW DARE YOU THROW CHRIS GRASSI'S NAME IN MY FACE!" Also, seriously? Only two days have passed? Surely they mean weeks, I mean, this can't all go down in two days...can it? Damon is like, "EVERYONE IS REPLACING MEEE" and goes home.
Casa Damon. He mulls over their fight and thinks that perhaps he should be grateful that Jessica wants to hear about his issues, blah blah biddy blah, when he realizes -- there is no one home! He sees a note from Ben: Sally (his sister) has fallen from a swing and they are at Fowler Memorial. In the ER! Nuuuuu!!!!
Jessica. Chris Grassi calls and wants to take her out! On a date! Alone! Just the two of them! Jessica is conflicted. She loves Damon! But they are probably going to break up! And how can she pass up such a catch? But no, to her heart she must stay true. She rejects Chris and Elizabeth says, "You did the right thing." And Jessica knows in her heart that Elizabeth is right. Man, it's just all about Liz isn't it.
Damon. Sally will be all right, it is not fatal, blah blah blah. He comforts her and Ben is amazed by Damon's skillz. He's all, "I can never calm them down like that!" and Damon's like, "Psh, yeah, I'm awesome." And now that his self-esteem is back, he realizes that he should perhaps call Jessica. Um. DUH, DAMON.
Lacey. She is hanging out in the mall with Kristin, when who should arrive but Richard? Some little kid pushes Lacey out of the way and she thinks, "Little kids weren't supposed to have the guts to push actual teenagers around." How old are you again, Lacey? Talk to me when you're in high school. Richard and Lacey both try to be super-suave and cool, but eventually realize that they have blown their covers with each other (hey! that rhymed! I am so witty!) and do that flirty banter thing. It's pretty awesome, actually. Kristin and Seth pop up and Richard and Lacey start ragging on each other and...yeah. Richard's like, "Lacey might have easier time with guys if she wasn't so uptight" and Lacey's like, "Yeah, well, Richard should cut down on his elaborate grooming rituals or girls might be intimidated. No girl wants to date a guy who thinks he's prettier than she is." And everyone has a grand, lulzy time, and Richard and Lacey smile at each other over their shoulders as they walk away.
And thus, as the SVS Bruce/Lila sunk beneath the waves of the Atlantic (so far from the fair Pacific that it called home), Francine Pascal oversaw the christening of a new ship, one that would last the ages (or at least ten books), and lo, she called it the Richard/Lacey, and it sailed proudly out into the Pacific Ocean so like the Wakefields' eyes, purposefully throwing trash over the sides and polluting the sea. Until SVU, when Bruce/Lila came back in full force, and in a most bloody of battles defeated the Richard/Lacey, which sunk off the coast of Canada, never to be mentioned in Sweet Valley again. (Much like Canada itself, when you think about it.)
Anyway.
Damon. He will remember this day forever! The day Sally got hurt! The day he stopped feeling jealous of Ben! The day of his first fight with Jessica! Yes, when he is eighty years old, he won't remember, say, graduating high school or college, no, he will remember this one, for it holds all the things that are so important to him. Also, bonus round, he realizes that it was stupid of him to get mad just because she mentioned Chris Grassi's name. Awww, Damon. He's an okay dude. He calls Jessica to say he's sorry, but no! She will not speak to him! He knows this because Elizabeth is a dope and doesn't cover the phone properly, and he can hear her say, "Okay, I'll tell him" before she says Jessica can't come to the phone.
Larissa can't write a journal entry, because she is so behind on her other assignments! Dude, is she still even in this book? Goddamn.
Damon's journal entry. He has learned that change can be good. Because Ben is in their lives now, and that is good. But change can be bad too. Because Jessica is mad at him, and that is bad. Yeah. That's about it.
Jessica. She has resolved to hate Damon forever and ever. But he is ready to talk now! About everything! Jessica caves really quickly. And Damon has brought the promised cookies! And they talk. And then they kiss. Woo.
The End. :D!
I have a lot of favorite Sweet Valley Jr. High books. Each one truly holds a special place in my heart, except maybe #14, because that one is just embarrassing. Of 30 SVJH books, I probably have about 10 favorites. This is one of them. In short: Damon falls in love with a teacher (his English teacher, just saying), Jessica gets jealous, the two school assholes hook up, and Anna hates Freddie Prinze Jr.'s eyebrows. Also, there is a character named Chris Grassi, who I kept (accidentally) referring to as Chris de Grassi in the first draft of this recap. And then I kept accidentally-on-purpose calling him that for the rest of this draft, too. Oops.
I don't know how many of you were listening to Radio Disney in 2000, but there was a particular song called "He Loves U Not" (and I feel ashamed just to admit that I still remember it, as well as most of the words), and every time I see this book, I play it in my head and hum along as I read about Jessica's love life.
Anyway.
This book? Is awesome. It is truly the pinnacle of SVJH, and all SVJH books should aspire to be like this one. I mean, this recap practically wrote itself. It's beautiful.
We begin with a bunch of journal entries for Mrs. Serson's class (I can only assume Mrs. Serson is the English teacher). Richard Griggs (who is important in this book) writes about how he doesn't understand girls. See, he cheated on Elizabeth Wakefield with like, a bajillion different girls, and now she hates him and he just doesn't get it. I mean, what's her deal? Really. Larissa journals about how sometimes she feels really smart, and other times she feels really stupid. Like, she feels smart when she can figure out the TV Guide crossword, but she feels stupid in every class except gym and lunch. Larissa, if you think lunch is a class...well...
Blue writes some poetry. It's...to be honest, I don't know if it's bad or good. I'm not into poetry. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that it's bad.
Damon (our main character in this book) writes about last night's rerun of CHiPS. I have to admit, I kind of love his description of the show: These two guys are cops, and they ride these big, old-fashioned motorcycles all over the place, and they always get the bad guy in some stupid, predictable way. I watch it every night. It's really good to fall asleep to. I have the feeling that Damon would be a fan of Sweet Valley. You know, if he wasn't already in it.
But, sadly, unlike a rant about those wacky girls (my God, who knew cheating would make them mad?) or poorly written poetry, TV plots really aren't exposing Damon's soul to the English teacher. She keeps him after class. Damon is terrified, because apparently, the only other person Mrs. Serson's ever kept after class is some dude Rick Pierce, for carving "four-letter" words onto his desk. Ooooh. I wonder what they were. In Sweet Valley? Probably "butt", and maybe "John." Damon observes that Mrs. Serson is a pretty cool teacher. She's cute. Young. Blonde. Looks like Robert Red--oh, sorry. She is concerned that Damon isn't spilling his guts to her. She wants to know what makes him laugh! What makes him cry! What motivates him! (I wasn't aware that ninth-graders could be motivated at all.) Damon mumbles his agreement and then gets the hell out of there. As you do.
Jessica! She is so glad that it is Friday. She could kiss the floor. Liz is like, "Please don't." Jessica has a nefarious plan for Saturday night: she's going to invite Damon over for a movie. Elizabeth's eyebrows immediately shoot up, like, ooh, movies. You so dirty, Jessica. She says, "Do you really think Mom and Dad are going to let you invite some guy over to sit alone in the den?" Oh, I can't get over that. Sitting! So wrong! (By the way, if Elizabeth actually expects her parents to be competent, she's not as smart as everyone thinks she is.) Jessica's like, "I'm sure they'll go for it if you say you'll be there. And then conveniently sneak back up to your room." Ah. I've missed scheming, slightly psychotic Jessica. Things just aren't the same when she's a decent human being.
(By the way, it's mentioned that Jessica and Liz have been attached at the hip for thirteen years. So they're definitely 13 in this series.)
But then comes the real question: will Damon even want to come? What if he's changed his mind? What if he's -- horror -- into brunettes? Just then, Blue comes up and is all, "Hey, by the way, Damon's in major trouble with the English teacher. I doubt he's going anywhere, see ya!" Jessica is all worried -- her poor, troubled boyfriend! He has so much on his shoulders! Hilariously, it's mentioned that Elizabeth is doing that "whole concerned-wrinkled-brow thing she has down pat." Ahahaha.
Lacey! She is a heinous mood. Really. Heinous. Bethel's all, "What's YOUR deal?" and Lacey starts ranting about all the terrible things that have happened that day. It's mentioned that Anna Wang slammed her locker on Lacey's hair, which cracks me up. I kind of love when people from different groups interact. And just when this day couldn't get any worse, she runs right into Richard Griggs, he of the confusing cheating. She's all, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" and Richard says, "Maybe I was just blinded by your beauty." Lacey's like, "Could you BE any more cheesy?" (He can, by the way.) Lacey's about to tell him to go shove it up his nose, when Liz rounds the corner, and, as Lacey puts it, "[she] can never resist making a Wakefield squirm." She does the touchy-feely with Richard, and Liz is just like ;_; Lacey says, "It's just too easy." Lacey's a bitch. But she's also kind of hilarious.
Elizabeth, she who dumped Richard. She's at volleyball practice and is completely off her game. The reason? "Richard Aaron Griggs. And Lacey Frells." Damn, Lacey's name is unfortunate. It is just this side of "Lacy Frills." (On the other hand, I would've loved to have a name like that when I was seven. Shut up.) Some random girl named Marlee Randall starts bitching to her friend Diva (no, I'm serious -- no, seriously) about how terrible Liz's playing is today. Shut up, Marlee. You can't even spell your name properly. You and your friend Diva. Blue comes over to cheer Liz up. She thinks about how kind Blue's blue eyes (dear God, don't ever let me write a sentence like that again) are. Unlike Richard Griggs's eyes. He's such an asshole. Liz hates him so much. And she doesn't care at all that he and Lacey are doing the eighth-grade touchy-feely. AT ALL. She doesn't care! See how much she doesn't care! She is so uncaring! No caring at all!
Damon. He's at home with his family and the sink is clogged. He's about to go fix it, but his mom is like, "No, it's cool, I'll just get Ben to do it." Ben is his mom's boyfriend. He is nice. Damon hates him. He feels like he's being replaced. I can't really find a way to make this funny.
Lacey. She's at the arcade with Gel and his friend Rob. They're both ninth-graders, and both idiots. Okay, for some reason I was under the impression that Gel is a ninth-grader, which would be ridiculous since he drives a car, which brings up the new question, what self-respecting sixteen-year-old would date an eighth-grader? However, I still stand by my statement that they are idiots. They're playing crappy arcade games and she's just hanging out, being unamused by their antics, when who should show up but Richard Griggs. She flirts with him and is annoyed when her new dress doesn't make him miss any mini-basketball shots. He flirts back and invites her to play Skee Ball with him. Dirty. She takes a few tokens and is totally going to take him up on his offer, but then randomly decides that she can't do it and runs away with the tokens. O...kay...?
Richard journals about how Lacey is different from all the other girls he's dated. She's so bitchy, and contrary, and is a general pain in the ass. He thinks it's kind of hot.
Jessica. It's Saturday night, and she and Damon are sitting together in the den. She mentions that her parents let him come over without even telling her to be good. See what I mean? Jessica tries to get Damon to tell her why he was kept after class, but he isn't picking up on any of her hints. ("So, fail any classes lately?") She's all frustrated, like, "We were boyfriend and girlfriend! He doesn't tell me anything!" Maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal, JESSICA. At that moment, Elizabeth "bounces" into the room with Salvador and Anna. Salvador's all, "Ooh, are we interrupting some G-rated nasty?" and Jessica and Damon are like, "NO" and immediately move apart on the couch. Heh. Damon mentions that they're watching She's All That (on...their date? Is this normal?) and Anna's all, "Ugh, I hate this movie," while grabbing some popcorn in her fist and eating it like it's an apple, and thus, the greatest exchange of this book ensues:
WORD-FOR-WORD DIALOGUE FROM SWEET VALLEY JR. HIGH #19, SHE LOVES ME...NOT, PAGE 28
Anna: Ugh! I hate this movie!
Jessica: Ick, Anna.
Elizabeth: She can't eat finger food one by one. She has this thing about it.
Anna: Whatever. [to Salvador] At least I'm not afraid of mustard.
Damon: You're afraid of mustard?
Elizabeth: Petrified!
Salvador: Long story. But it's not as bad as the reason Anna hates this movie.
Jessica: Why?
Salvador and Elizabeth: BECAUSE SHE HATES FREDDIE PRINZE JUNIOR'S EYEBROWS!
It feels so good to love you again, Anna.
This only serves to depress Jessica. Salvador, Liz, and Anna know everything about each other! Jessica doesn't know anything about Damon! We close out on Jessica's POV with the line, "Maybe things with Damon weren't as perfect as I'd thought." OMINOUS.
Casa Damon. Ben's over, helping out around the house. Damon is possessive. How dare this man just come into their home and act like a caring and responsible adult! How dare he attempt to help Damon out around the house! How DARE he give Damon free time to enjoy being a teenager! The NERVE! Damon's all, "No, seriously, I can handle it" and everyone in the house is like, "Hey, it's fine, do your homework, chillax with your girlfriend, whatever," and he's like, "WHYYY?" Ben wins and Damon goes off to journal for English.
Journal time! Larissa writes about how she loves hanging out with her friends at the movie. She hates school. Whatever, dude. Damon journals about his FEELINGS about Ben and the broken sink. It's very emotional. I'm sure Mrs. Serson will be pleased. Or something.
Elizabeth. She's at her computer, reading about Earth Day for some science project that we...are actually going to hear about again. Say hey for an actual plot point! Jessica comes in and is all mopey, and Liz bookmarks the page because Jessica can "click onto a makeup Web site in about two-point-five seconds." Does this include all the loading time, considering they're on dialup? But no! Liquid eyeliner is not the first thing on Jessica's mind today! :O! Liz asks her what's wrong and Jessica is like, "Damon doesn't share! I don't know anything about him!" to which I would've been like, "Well, then why are you dating him, fool?", but whatever. She's all, "You know everything about SalvadorAnna!" and Liz is like, "Well, yeah, but Damon's not LIKE Salvador or Anna. He doesn't SHARE. He's not OPEN." Jessica is not pleased. She also notices that Liz is acting weird, and is all, "What's wrong with YOU?" Liz spills the RichardLacey thing, and Jessica's all, "You're jealous." Liz is like, "Um, did we skip the part where I don't care?" and Jessica says, "You're just jealous Richard found someone first. Maybe you wanted to find someone and rub his face in it before he could. It's perfectly natural." The sociopath twin would know.
Lacey. She opens her locker to find a love note from Richard, and promptly walks up to him and throws the letter at him. I really don't want to like Lacey, but...she's kind of awesome here. He's all, "Lacey, it's true, I love you, you are the light of my life," and Lacey says, "Who do you think I am, Elizabeth Gullible Wakefield?" Burn. She spits a few more insults at him and walks away, feeling all conflicted. She hates him! But she loves him! But she hates him! Whatever.
On the next page, we get Richard's note. It is every bit as corny as you would expect.
Damon. They all turn in their journals. He worries what Mrs. Serson will think of his. She puts the journal in her bag. Damon considers stealing the bag. Yeah.
Jessica. They're pairing up for science projects (as mentioned when Liz was Googling Earth Day). She gets stuck with Chris de Grassi, who has (begin the checklist!): perfect teeth, perfect blue eyes, perfect blond hair, and perfect taste in clothing. He is a jock, and the highest scorer on the basketball team. She describes him as the "textbook definition of a total babe." Jessica starts grinning like an idiot, and Bethel's like, "Psyched to be hooked up with blondie over there?" (Actual quote.) But Jessica isn't! Because her feelings for Damon are so true! But does he feel the same? OMINOUS.
Elizabeth. Richard stops her in the hallway to talk. It is mentioned that Richard is so good-looking, he could be a tear-out page in Fourteen magazine. Fourteen? Really? Liz puts on "a completely blank expression -- like the one Jessica gets when you start talking about current events." I kind of love this ghostwriter. Richard has the nerve to ask her how well she knows Lacey Frells. Liz is just like, "What part of 'I hate that bitch like burning' do you not get?" and Richard's just like, "Okay, I'm sorry I asked" and as he walks away, Liz thinks, "I'd never actually hated anyone before -- until now." Ooooh.
Elizabeth writes a few paragraphs on Why Guys Don't Matter. Some reasons listed: they're clueless, they can't dress themselves, they make fart jokes, they can't remember your birthday but they can remember any and all baseball facts, they don't read, and they are NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OKAY. ("There are exceptions to every rule, and I have to say that my brother, Steven, is an exception because if I don't, he'll give me an atomic wedgie." Ahahaha. I love this book.)
Jessica, the next day, in the cafeteria. Damon suggests that they sit at the "couples" tables. Jessica gets all excited because she thinks that he's finally going to tell her about being kept after English class. Is she still going on about that? Seriously, if he hasn't told you now, he never will. It's been like forty pages already. (Oh Jesus, I'm not even on page 100 yet.) Damon gives her a cookie and it is delicious. He promises to bring her more the next day, and of course he will, because Damon never breaks promises, because he is so attentive and caring! ANVIL. They're having a cute, coupley talk, when all of a sudden, Chris de Grassi shows up and he's all, "Hey, Jessica, let's work on our project!" Jessica's like, "Uh..." and Damon scurries off to give them room to talk. Jessica's relieved that Damon isn't jealous. Isn't he so snazzy?
Elizabeth. She's in the cafeteria line when some dude named Rob (not Gel's friend, some OTHER dude named Rob, or whoever) comes up and randomly (no, I'm serious, it is random, we never hear about him before, and we never hear from him since) launches into this rant about how Liz is just too cool for Richard and he wouldn't know an awesome girlfriend if she walked right up to him and stuck her tongue down his throat, and Liz is too cool for this shit anyway, so...yeah. Then he scrambles off before he can spontaneously combust from excitement. He talked to a girl!!
(Only the Wakefield twins would have a completely new character randomly created for the sole purpose of telling them how awesome they are.)
Damon. He's wandering the halls, being not-jealous. And by not-jealous, I mean paranoid. Chris Grassi has gotten every girl he'd ever wanted, whether she was taken or not. (All at the age of thirteen? Goddamn, these kids get around.) Damon is angsting over this when Mrs. Serson comes into the hall and is all, "Damon! I just finished reading your journal! So nice to see you! Wait, why aren't you at lunch?" and Damon's all, "Um, I gotta get something from my locker," and she's like, "Well, I'll just walk with you then!" They walk along and they chat about writing and Damon's home troubles. Mrs. Serson asks Damon to work on a literary magazine for SVJH. Excitement!
Jessica. She's skipping track practice to go out with Damon, only he has plans with Mrs. Serson. For a second it looks like he's going to tell Jessica all about his life, but then the bell rings and he takes off. Chris Grassi pops up out of fucking nowhere, seriously, and asks if she wants to work on their project. She agrees. Angst abounds. I'm kind of concerned that this Chris de Grassi dude may be a stalker. A stalker who looks like this.
Lacey. She's waiting for Gel. Kristin's like, "Are you SURE you don't need a ride?" and Lacey's like, "I'm SURE." "Are you sure?" "I'm SURE!" Finally, Kristin's like, "If you say so," and drives off. Lacey is left standing there, all pissed off, waiting for Gel's car (which, for those of you who were just burning with curiosity, is a Trans Am). Richard walks up, and Lacey's all, "I am too young and cute for a breakdown" (no, seriously, she says that, aaah why are you making me like Lacey, ghostwriter?), but Richard just walks by without a word. Lacey feels so disturbed!
Damon. The SVJH Literary Magazine has just called its first meeting. Mrs. Serson, as the young, attractive English teacher, is the moderator. Yeah, okay. Also on the magazine: Jennifer Reed and Chelsea Sable. Are we ever going to hear from them again? HA! No! What series did you think this was, anyway? There's a reason these books are not called Continuity Valley. Also because it wasn't as catchy as Sweet Valley. But anyway. They discuss the magazine, and Damon suggests that they should change the name, because Sweet Valley Junior High Literary Magazine sounds "snotty." Well...it does. That and the fact that goddamn, that is a MOUTHFUL. They make the vote to change the name to Our Voices -- at Damon's suggestion, naturally. He's all beaming and peppy because Mrs. Serson listens to him! She makes him feel important! She would never make him feel unimportant! She's not like his unsupportive family! He can spill his SOUL to her, UNLIKE WITH JESSICA! Do you see where this is going?
Lacey. Gel finally shows up, and she just stares at him all angry and he says, "Are you gonna get in or what? I ain't gettin' any younger." This town ain't big enough for the both of us, pardn'r. Lacey's all, "You are SO out of my life," and Gel says, "What?" You're out of her life, Gel! It's not like it's hard to figure out! Jesus, he's as dumb as Todd, and not nearly half as punchy. I want my money back. Lacey thinks, "God, he wasn't even good-looking. He wasn't funny. He wasn't smart. He wasn't even nice to me." While I appreciate Lacey dumping her loser boyfriend, I thought it was already established that she knew this, and was only with him for his cigarettes and his car? Oh, whatever.
By the way, it just occurred to me for the first time in about eight years that a junior in high school was just dumped by an eighth-grader. Man, Gel is a loser.
Anyhoodle, now Lacey is stranded with no ride. And there is Richard! Dude, what is he still doing here? Is he psychic or something? Did he KNOW he'd break up with her boyfriend?! AAAAH. Anyway, she's all, "Unless you have a license and pretty fast car, I suggest you leave me alone" and he's all, "As a matter of fact..." and his mom is there. With a car. Look at that. (Richard also says, "That's my mom. And she just loves to drive pathetic waifs home." Why do I kind of love him? WHY? *SOB*) Richard opens the back door for Lacey, because even though he is an asshole, he is a GENTLEMAN asshole -- or something -- and his mom drives her home. But she hates him. Totally.
Damon. The meeting is over, and he's now walking Mrs. Serson to back to her car. They chit-chat, la dee da, and Damon thinks that she's cute. And then, "I mean, she's not cute like Jessica's cute -- she's cute like a mom's cute." Of course, Damon. Anyway, he feels all happy that someone values him and uh, stuff. Whatever, Damon. *snore*
Jessica. She and Chris not-de Grassi are trying to figure out what they should do for their science project. Chris says that he thinks mold is the greatest science project ever conceived by, and I quote, "man, woman, or child". Dude, mold as a science project can only be conceived by one person. Everyone else is just copying. But I digress. Jessica's like, "Ew, why, all you have to do is leave food out and let it gross" and Chris is like, "PRECISELY. Minimal effort, maximum gross-out potential." You know, I sort of agree. Mold and photosynthesis are two of the most effortless science projects ever. Which is why schools usually don't let you do them, right? I mean, I was in sixth grade, and no one was allowed to do those. Oh, forget it. Chris mentions that he did the mold project in eighth grade, and it made Lacey barf. Hee. I do like that the SVJH kids all seem to have memories of each other. What weirds me out is that, then, isn't Chris in eighth grade too? Why else would he be in Jessica's science class? Or have a class with Lacey? AAAAH.
(By the way, I just remembered that all the way back in book #1, Brian asked Liz to allow him to stick gum inside their shared locker for the purpose of having mold for a science project. Man, I can't believe the ghostwriters can reference that and still forget Toby Meekermartin's last name in four books.)
Anyway, Chris is flirting with Jessica, and Jessica's like, "Why is he wasting his time with me when he can have anyone he wants?" You're a WAKEFIELD, Jessica. Keep up. To get away from him and his inappropriate questions, she goes off to call Damon. But he's not home. Jessica gets all paranoid, wondering where on Earth Damon could be if he wasn't home. While this seems kind of rude, like, the dude might just have a life outside of you, it's not like he's been telling her what he's been up to lately, so...yeah. Jessica hangs up, feeling "very, very awful." OMINOUS.
(Also, it's mentioned that Chris could probably run through the library naked and not get in trouble. I remember this because that image was seared into my brain for years. Even now, whenever I read this part, I picture him as some kind of nudist streaker.)
Lacey. She is in the middle of a "serious dilemma." What could it possibly be? What is this conundrum that has her so perturbed? Truly, it is worrisome: "Penelope was asleep, and the remote control was way out of my reach on the coffee table, and Saved by the Bell had just come on the TV. The question was, did I move and grab the remote, thereby waking up Penelope...or did I watch the single most annoying show ever to hit the airwaves?" Choose wisely, Lacey!
It turns out she doesn't have to choose, as Richard calls, therefore waking up Penelope without Lacey having to do anything. Lacey switches to MTV, picks up the phone, and lo, it is her...I was going to say lady love, but Richard is a dude...so...*twiddles thumbs* Anyway, he kind of rubs his heroics in, all, "Did you get home okay?" and she's like, "Yeah, perfect timing, jerk, you woke my sister up" and he's all, "Yeah, my timing was pretty perfect this afternoon." (Is it just me, or did that just sort of sound dirty?) Lacey gets all flushed and lightheaded and embarrassed and hangs up on him. Because he annoys her. Yeah. Of course. That is exactly what annoyance does to you.
On the next page, we get her 10 reasons why she can't like Richard Griggs. They include: he dated a Wakefield (valid), he thinks he's too cool (valid), he's a player (valid), he wears argyle socks (...), he "...chews cinnamon gum...I think...". She gives up after 6. Oh, just make out already.
Damon. He is PSYCHED! And PUMPED! Our Voices will be so fabulous! He plans to get Elizabeth and some of the Zone dudes involved, because, and I quote, "It seemed like kids really looked up to Elizabeth and Anna and Salvador, and those kids would think Our Voices was cool if Elizabeth and her friends participated." Good Lord. Even with Damon's super-snazzy writing skills, clearly only Elizabeth Wakefield can save them. Isn't this Damon's plot, anyway?
Damon is so pumped, in fact, that he forgets all about Ben, who is watching his sisters. Damon is territorial. Ben is confused. Et cetera.
Jessica. She is sitting next to the phone, "clutch[ing] it with both hands, clos[ing] my eyes, and pray[ing] to the Pacific Bell gods." OMG PACIFIC BELL, THIS FILLS ME WITH A KIND OF GLEE, AHAHAHA. Dude, I remember back when the Giants baseball park was called Pacbell Park. I still call it Pacbell Park, even though I think it's AT&T Park now. That's sad. Why can't we just pick a cool name and leave it at that, instead of changing it for every stupid Internet service provider that buys the park out? You don't see the Yankees having this problem. BUT ANYWAY.
Anyway, Jessica is praying for the phone to ring. She's already constructed an elaborate paranoid fantasy that Damon has spent the afternoon "over at some hot girl's house, having tickling matches and watching teen-romance movies." Dude, Jessica. Elizabeth tells her as much, and is like, "Chill out, he's gonna call" and at that moment, the phone rings. As Jessica puts it, "Even the Pacific Bell gods knew she was supposed to be right all the time."
BUT ALAS! Damon has not called to speak with his lady fair, but with her twin sister, Elizabeth! Jessica is APPALLED and is like, "I spent my whole afternoon NOT FLIRTING with Chris de Grassi for him! Who does he think he is?!"
OH THANK GOD I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT TO PAGE 100. Damon is in English class. Class is over and he is shocked, absolutely shocked, to find that he has been paying attention all through class, has taken informative notes, and is actually enthusiastic about learning! :O!! Well, to be fair, I'd be surprised, too. Mrs. Serson says, "You were very attentive today" to which Damon responds, "Noticed that, huh?" Maybe I've been reading too much Mr. Collins/Liz subtext, but...D: He offers to help her looks through literary magazines to help make Our Voices better. To be honest, I'm surprised no other school has snapped that title up already. It's so damn obvious. Maybe the other schools realized how cheesy it was.
Jessica. Chris Grassi is, as usual, getting up in her personal space. He's all, "So, when can I see you again?" and Jessica's like, "You mean, when are we going to work on the project again?" and Chris is like, "Sure, if that's what you wanna call it." Jessica thinks, "The kid was shameless." You should talk, Jess. Damon suddenly comes up the hall, and Jessica's waiting for him to get jealous, because, "Chris couldn't have made it more clear that he liked me if he had my name tattooed across his forehead." I love this book SO MUCH. Truly, this is the pinnacle of SVJH literature.
Damon does not, however, get jealous, and just is like, "Uh, do you two need to talk?" and Jessica's like, "NO." She thinks, He was willing to leave me with Raging Hormone Boy. Ahahahaha, Raging Hormone Boy. Have I mentioned how much I love this book?
Anyway, Jessica reminds Damon about the cookies he was supposed to bring her, and he's like, "Oh shit" and Jessica gets all paranoid. He dissed her! He wasn't jealous of Raging Hormone Boy! (Though if Chris looks the way I imagine him to, I don't think Damon is unduly worried about the competition.) He isn't telling her anything about his life! And now he is BREAKING PROMISES, OMG, THIS IS TRULY THE END. I dunno, if all he forgot was to ask his mom to bring home some cookies, I don't think it's such a big deal. I forget to do stuff like that all the time. But that's me.
Jessica tries to nosey into Damon's life, with little avail. I don't know why she bothers. Elizabeth got all the meddling genes, doesn't she know? Damon does start babbling about the literary magazine and Mrs. Serson, saying, "Mrs. Serson is so cool. She really likes my ideas, and she's young and friendly, like a real person. You can really talk to her and..." blah blah blah. Wait, is he saying that you have to be young and friendly to be a real person? Like all older, stricter teachers aren't real people? Good Lord, Damon. It should also be mentioned that his eyes "glaze over with admiration as if he was talking about a saint or a supermodel or something." And there Jessica goes, equating saints with supermodels. The two of them really need to work on their language skills.
And then it all clicks into place for Jessica: "Damon was keeping something from me. And he was seeing someone behind my back -- sort of. Damon had a crush on Mrs. Serson." And she very succintly sums up what we are all thinking: "Yuck." Seriously, Jessica.
Lacey. She is going back to her locker for the third time that day. She opens it casually, brushes her hair, picks up a book she doesn't need, until finally she drops the act and digs through all the shit in her locker looking for a note from Richard. But there has not been one! Not all day! She's checked like five times! And finally Lacey is like, "I had to admit it to myself. I was disappointed." And finally, after 112 pages, this relationship gets moving.
Blue writes more bad poetry. Why is he even in this book? You provided our random exposition already, Blue. You can go now.
Damon writes another ~deep~ journal entry for Mrs. Serson. He is jealous! Of Ben, because his sisters like Ben! And OMG, HE IS JEALOUS OF CHRIS DE GRASSI! Because Chris has Jessica in his blonde, basketball playing clutches! Damon feels like he cannot say anything about his jealousy without looking like an immature idiot! Little does he know that Jessica wants him to be jealous! Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we start working on science projects with boys we don't know.
Lacey. She confronts Richard about the lack of notage in her locker. He's like, "Uh, yeah, so?" Lacey's like, "Um, and thank you for driving me home." She thinks, "I sounded so wimpy and pathetic. Like Jessica Wakefield talking to her little Damon puppy dog." Lacey's constant Wakefield references are beginning to worry me, actually. Is she obsessed with them or something? She and Richard awkwardly stumble around each other, until finally Richard's like, "So, hypothetically, if I were to ask you out, what would you say?" and Lacey's like, "Hypothetically, I'd say yes" and Richard's like "So how's Friday for this hypothetical date? :D?" and Lacey's like " :D Friday's great."
Jessica. She is looking for her UCLA shorts. This is only worth mentioning because UCLA is an actual place. You guys! There is life outside Sweet Valley! Anyway, Bethel finds them for her, and they walk off to track practice -- but! Jessica sees Damon WALKING MRS. SERSON TO HER CAR, OMG. He must be stopped! Jessica goes off to confront him. OMINOUS.
Damon. He sees Mrs. Serson off, and then begins the trek home, all cheerful. But then! He is stopped in his tracks by Jessica! She is angry! Betrayed! Damon is clueless. Jessica demands explanations and Damon's like, "Uhhh" and...yeah. It sort of goes back and forth for a while, until Jessica says, "I've known Chris Grassi for two days, and I already know more about him than I do about you!" Damon feels "like [he] had been slapped." Oh, she did NOT say the C-word! He's all, "I can take your anger! BUT HOW DARE YOU THROW CHRIS GRASSI'S NAME IN MY FACE!" Also, seriously? Only two days have passed? Surely they mean weeks, I mean, this can't all go down in two days...can it? Damon is like, "EVERYONE IS REPLACING MEEE" and goes home.
Casa Damon. He mulls over their fight and thinks that perhaps he should be grateful that Jessica wants to hear about his issues, blah blah biddy blah, when he realizes -- there is no one home! He sees a note from Ben: Sally (his sister) has fallen from a swing and they are at Fowler Memorial. In the ER! Nuuuuu!!!!
Jessica. Chris Grassi calls and wants to take her out! On a date! Alone! Just the two of them! Jessica is conflicted. She loves Damon! But they are probably going to break up! And how can she pass up such a catch? But no, to her heart she must stay true. She rejects Chris and Elizabeth says, "You did the right thing." And Jessica knows in her heart that Elizabeth is right. Man, it's just all about Liz isn't it.
Damon. Sally will be all right, it is not fatal, blah blah blah. He comforts her and Ben is amazed by Damon's skillz. He's all, "I can never calm them down like that!" and Damon's like, "Psh, yeah, I'm awesome." And now that his self-esteem is back, he realizes that he should perhaps call Jessica. Um. DUH, DAMON.
Lacey. She is hanging out in the mall with Kristin, when who should arrive but Richard? Some little kid pushes Lacey out of the way and she thinks, "Little kids weren't supposed to have the guts to push actual teenagers around." How old are you again, Lacey? Talk to me when you're in high school. Richard and Lacey both try to be super-suave and cool, but eventually realize that they have blown their covers with each other (hey! that rhymed! I am so witty!) and do that flirty banter thing. It's pretty awesome, actually. Kristin and Seth pop up and Richard and Lacey start ragging on each other and...yeah. Richard's like, "Lacey might have easier time with guys if she wasn't so uptight" and Lacey's like, "Yeah, well, Richard should cut down on his elaborate grooming rituals or girls might be intimidated. No girl wants to date a guy who thinks he's prettier than she is." And everyone has a grand, lulzy time, and Richard and Lacey smile at each other over their shoulders as they walk away.
And thus, as the SVS Bruce/Lila sunk beneath the waves of the Atlantic (so far from the fair Pacific that it called home), Francine Pascal oversaw the christening of a new ship, one that would last the ages (or at least ten books), and lo, she called it the Richard/Lacey, and it sailed proudly out into the Pacific Ocean so like the Wakefields' eyes, purposefully throwing trash over the sides and polluting the sea. Until SVU, when Bruce/Lila came back in full force, and in a most bloody of battles defeated the Richard/Lacey, which sunk off the coast of Canada, never to be mentioned in Sweet Valley again. (Much like Canada itself, when you think about it.)
Anyway.
Damon. He will remember this day forever! The day Sally got hurt! The day he stopped feeling jealous of Ben! The day of his first fight with Jessica! Yes, when he is eighty years old, he won't remember, say, graduating high school or college, no, he will remember this one, for it holds all the things that are so important to him. Also, bonus round, he realizes that it was stupid of him to get mad just because she mentioned Chris Grassi's name. Awww, Damon. He's an okay dude. He calls Jessica to say he's sorry, but no! She will not speak to him! He knows this because Elizabeth is a dope and doesn't cover the phone properly, and he can hear her say, "Okay, I'll tell him" before she says Jessica can't come to the phone.
Larissa can't write a journal entry, because she is so behind on her other assignments! Dude, is she still even in this book? Goddamn.
Damon's journal entry. He has learned that change can be good. Because Ben is in their lives now, and that is good. But change can be bad too. Because Jessica is mad at him, and that is bad. Yeah. That's about it.
Jessica. She has resolved to hate Damon forever and ever. But he is ready to talk now! About everything! Jessica caves really quickly. And Damon has brought the promised cookies! And they talk. And then they kiss. Woo.
The End. :D!