SVK #25: LEFT-OUT ELIZABETH
I preserve the caps in the title, the way they were on the cover, because I suspect the “-“ should not be there between “left” and “out” and thus confused about proper capitalization. But anyway.
Shout-out (heh) to Erica Golub, the January 1992 essay winner from New Jersey. She is (well, was at this point… unless she fell into the Sweet Valley time portal!) eight years old and, like all bed wetters, Lila’s Secret is her favorite book. Mine too, Erica. Mine too.
This is my first time, ya’ll, so be gentle!
Props to the cover artist for getting Mark’s purple ski suit right. Liz looks sad.
Despite “meeting” in middle school, and “meeting” again in high school, Liz and Todd et al. were apparently so close in elementary school that the Wilkins and Wakefield families vacationed together for the sake of a contrived plotline. Who knew? They’re going skiing! The twins haven’t seen snow before, but Todd’s being a douche because he’s been skiing FOUR WHOLE TIMES! Big man! And the way he talks about it, a modern-day re-write would totally have him saying everything in all caps. So I’m justified.
As the kids ride in the car with Ned (Alice slipped off into the grown up car, I suppose to keep anyone for mistaking her for the twins’ sister), Liz and Todd talk about how different skiing is from soccer (duh) which they play, thus seguaying into how Jessica doesn’t really like sports because look alike blond blue green blah blah blah dress alike blah blah. They did spare us the tiny mole on Elizabeth’s shoulder, though, so that’s something. Or is that reserved for SVH and up? Or did they stick it in SVT as well? Who cares? Onward…
We get the helpful info from Todd that they are going higher, which makes it colder and allows snow to fall anywhere near Southern California’s much touted, pristine sunshine. We get a lot of helpful, condescending info from Todd in this book. And while I totally want to make fun of the twins for stating the obvious re: snow- “It’s so cold!” “And wet!”- I was totally like that the first time saw snow. When I was twelve. Don’t judge us! Snowball fights and other shenanigans ensue; Todd keeps being a douche bag know-it-all and Elizabeth ignores his douche baggery. Which is fine as she’ll need the practice for about fifty semesters of Junior year, plus some college.
The twins, Todd and Steven (he’s all nice to Todd and shit, hardly annoying at all, so we tend to forget he’s there) stop in the local ski shop and ooooohh/aaaaaaaaaaaaahh over some bright ski goggles. I mention them because Ms Molly Mia Stewart (Francine’s January bitch) mentions them for, like, a really long time, thus letting us know they are important! To the “plot”! They finally decide to ski.
To the bunny slopes! Jessica is totally cute the whole book; she has trouble standing up on her skis and they start to slide apart on her. Oh Jess! Don’t worry, that flexibility will come in handy later. For the Boosters! Oh come on, you guys, seriously. Scrub those minds. Liz, of course, is perfection. I hate Liz. Todd continues to pretend he’s all pro-skier and everyone rolls their eyes and ignores him.
The next day, on the way to the bunny slopes again, Ned mentions a snow sculpture contest and this dialog follows. I share it because I recall this being the first time my distain for Liz broke forth. I have always been Team Jessica (my ex-boyfriend roster shows an unfortunate trend of attraction to sociopathy- possibly stemming from my Jessica love) but my ire towards Liz surprised me:
Ned: Blah blah snow sculpture blah blah?
“Great!” Steven said. “We’ll make something really cool.”
“Is that a joke?” Elizabeth asked with a smile. “Snow? Cool?” Everybody laughed.
No, no they didn’t laugh because you suck, Liz. You suck for that lame-ass joke and you suck for asking if we get it. Even at eight I knew that was lame. Gads, I can only imagine how insufferable you’re going to be when you get olde- oh right. I already know. Ahem. Anywayzzz..
Fucking FINALLY getting back to the slopes, Todd announces that his shit is pine fresh, only he says it like “I think I’ll mosey on down to the intermediate slopes today… since I’m soooo experienced…”. Mr. Wilkins is like “STFU. No.” Jess is like “Liz is just as good as you already because she’s perfect so BITE me for liking her instead of me junior year.” Liz is like “Aw thanks Jess, I know. I mean, you’re good too!”
The kids are still. not. skiiing. Apparently because some kid named Mark comes up and starts chatting. And guess what he’s wearing? The aforementioned really important ski goggles! Because now we know anyone wearing those goggles for the rest of the book is a good skier! It’s not like just anyone can buy those things, you know. Mark does seem nice however. He is wearing a purple ski jacket and pants, with black and purple skis. Jessica promptly begins humping his leg. No, no, sorry, that’s a whole Unicorner away.
Todd and Steven, however, do hump his leg, albeit verbally, as they compete to see who can be the biggest, braggiest (yeah, it’s a word) jerk, in order to impress Mark. I’ll admit that I’m kinda on Elizabeth’s side re: Todd’s behavior (but we’re still not cool, though!), but Liz’s real problem isn’t that Todd is bragging- it’s that she’s being ignored. And I quote, “Elizabeth didn’t understand it at all.”
For all of Liz’s pouting throughout the rest of the “Todd’s a dick” portions of the book (which I’ll spare you since it’s more and more of the same) Jessica is a totally loving, caring sister. She always stands up for Liz to Todd and totally puts him out there in front of Mark (“Jessica broke in before Todd could start bragging [again]… ‘We’re all skiing the beginner trails,’ she said. Todd looked embarrassed.” Ha!). Elizabeth’s sort of a sad bitch about it, though, and is all “I don’t want you, Jess, I was Toooooooooooodd! And his attention! On meeeeeeeeeeeee!”.
Finally, after being ditched by Todd (and Steven! I keep forgetting about him!) again, Jess is like “Fuck them. Let’s make twin bunny snow sculpture because we’re twins who ski the bunny slope.” Cute, no? I thought it was very clever in third grade, myself. After they're done, Jessica asks if they can go sledding (her legs hurt) and Liz wants to hunt down the Todd, so Jessica goes to be awesome by herself. I’d be over Liz, too!
Finally cornering Todd, Liz bitches about his boy crush on Mark; Todd gets all silent and moody. Steven (oh yeah…) cosigns on Todd’s asshattery (that’s a word too) and ultimately hurts himself going down the intermediate trail. Back at the lodge, Mark plays cards with the twins, Todd apologizes to Liz for daring to pay attention to anyone else for any length of time, ever and everyone chuckles about Steven’s injury. All is well.
The twins win the snow sculpture contest of course. Guess what their prize is? DE GOGGLES! They’re good skiers now! Although I call bullshit on Jess picking yellow goggles over pink. Yeah right. The ended is especially accidentally dirty, so I’ll share it verbatim.
::Liz and Jess making snow angels::
“Don’t forget the halo,” Todd reminded her.
Elizabeth… was glad that she and Todd were special friends.
Special friends indeed.
FIN
Shout-out (heh) to Erica Golub, the January 1992 essay winner from New Jersey. She is (well, was at this point… unless she fell into the Sweet Valley time portal!) eight years old and, like all bed wetters, Lila’s Secret is her favorite book. Mine too, Erica. Mine too.
This is my first time, ya’ll, so be gentle!
Props to the cover artist for getting Mark’s purple ski suit right. Liz looks sad.
Despite “meeting” in middle school, and “meeting” again in high school, Liz and Todd et al. were apparently so close in elementary school that the Wilkins and Wakefield families vacationed together for the sake of a contrived plotline. Who knew? They’re going skiing! The twins haven’t seen snow before, but Todd’s being a douche because he’s been skiing FOUR WHOLE TIMES! Big man! And the way he talks about it, a modern-day re-write would totally have him saying everything in all caps. So I’m justified.
As the kids ride in the car with Ned (Alice slipped off into the grown up car, I suppose to keep anyone for mistaking her for the twins’ sister), Liz and Todd talk about how different skiing is from soccer (duh) which they play, thus seguaying into how Jessica doesn’t really like sports because look alike blond blue green blah blah blah dress alike blah blah. They did spare us the tiny mole on Elizabeth’s shoulder, though, so that’s something. Or is that reserved for SVH and up? Or did they stick it in SVT as well? Who cares? Onward…
We get the helpful info from Todd that they are going higher, which makes it colder and allows snow to fall anywhere near Southern California’s much touted, pristine sunshine. We get a lot of helpful, condescending info from Todd in this book. And while I totally want to make fun of the twins for stating the obvious re: snow- “It’s so cold!” “And wet!”- I was totally like that the first time saw snow. When I was twelve. Don’t judge us! Snowball fights and other shenanigans ensue; Todd keeps being a douche bag know-it-all and Elizabeth ignores his douche baggery. Which is fine as she’ll need the practice for about fifty semesters of Junior year, plus some college.
The twins, Todd and Steven (he’s all nice to Todd and shit, hardly annoying at all, so we tend to forget he’s there) stop in the local ski shop and ooooohh/aaaaaaaaaaaaahh over some bright ski goggles. I mention them because Ms Molly Mia Stewart (Francine’s January bitch) mentions them for, like, a really long time, thus letting us know they are important! To the “plot”! They finally decide to ski.
To the bunny slopes! Jessica is totally cute the whole book; she has trouble standing up on her skis and they start to slide apart on her. Oh Jess! Don’t worry, that flexibility will come in handy later. For the Boosters! Oh come on, you guys, seriously. Scrub those minds. Liz, of course, is perfection. I hate Liz. Todd continues to pretend he’s all pro-skier and everyone rolls their eyes and ignores him.
The next day, on the way to the bunny slopes again, Ned mentions a snow sculpture contest and this dialog follows. I share it because I recall this being the first time my distain for Liz broke forth. I have always been Team Jessica (my ex-boyfriend roster shows an unfortunate trend of attraction to sociopathy- possibly stemming from my Jessica love) but my ire towards Liz surprised me:
Ned: Blah blah snow sculpture blah blah?
“Great!” Steven said. “We’ll make something really cool.”
“Is that a joke?” Elizabeth asked with a smile. “Snow? Cool?” Everybody laughed.
No, no they didn’t laugh because you suck, Liz. You suck for that lame-ass joke and you suck for asking if we get it. Even at eight I knew that was lame. Gads, I can only imagine how insufferable you’re going to be when you get olde- oh right. I already know. Ahem. Anywayzzz..
Fucking FINALLY getting back to the slopes, Todd announces that his shit is pine fresh, only he says it like “I think I’ll mosey on down to the intermediate slopes today… since I’m soooo experienced…”. Mr. Wilkins is like “STFU. No.” Jess is like “Liz is just as good as you already because she’s perfect so BITE me for liking her instead of me junior year.” Liz is like “Aw thanks Jess, I know. I mean, you’re good too!”
The kids are still. not. skiiing. Apparently because some kid named Mark comes up and starts chatting. And guess what he’s wearing? The aforementioned really important ski goggles! Because now we know anyone wearing those goggles for the rest of the book is a good skier! It’s not like just anyone can buy those things, you know. Mark does seem nice however. He is wearing a purple ski jacket and pants, with black and purple skis. Jessica promptly begins humping his leg. No, no, sorry, that’s a whole Unicorner away.
Todd and Steven, however, do hump his leg, albeit verbally, as they compete to see who can be the biggest, braggiest (yeah, it’s a word) jerk, in order to impress Mark. I’ll admit that I’m kinda on Elizabeth’s side re: Todd’s behavior (but we’re still not cool, though!), but Liz’s real problem isn’t that Todd is bragging- it’s that she’s being ignored. And I quote, “Elizabeth didn’t understand it at all.”
For all of Liz’s pouting throughout the rest of the “Todd’s a dick” portions of the book (which I’ll spare you since it’s more and more of the same) Jessica is a totally loving, caring sister. She always stands up for Liz to Todd and totally puts him out there in front of Mark (“Jessica broke in before Todd could start bragging [again]… ‘We’re all skiing the beginner trails,’ she said. Todd looked embarrassed.” Ha!). Elizabeth’s sort of a sad bitch about it, though, and is all “I don’t want you, Jess, I was Toooooooooooodd! And his attention! On meeeeeeeeeeeee!”.
Finally, after being ditched by Todd (and Steven! I keep forgetting about him!) again, Jess is like “Fuck them. Let’s make twin bunny snow sculpture because we’re twins who ski the bunny slope.” Cute, no? I thought it was very clever in third grade, myself. After they're done, Jessica asks if they can go sledding (her legs hurt) and Liz wants to hunt down the Todd, so Jessica goes to be awesome by herself. I’d be over Liz, too!
Finally cornering Todd, Liz bitches about his boy crush on Mark; Todd gets all silent and moody. Steven (oh yeah…) cosigns on Todd’s asshattery (that’s a word too) and ultimately hurts himself going down the intermediate trail. Back at the lodge, Mark plays cards with the twins, Todd apologizes to Liz for daring to pay attention to anyone else for any length of time, ever and everyone chuckles about Steven’s injury. All is well.
The twins win the snow sculpture contest of course. Guess what their prize is? DE GOGGLES! They’re good skiers now! Although I call bullshit on Jess picking yellow goggles over pink. Yeah right. The ended is especially accidentally dirty, so I’ll share it verbatim.
::Liz and Jess making snow angels::
“Don’t forget the halo,” Todd reminded her.
Elizabeth… was glad that she and Todd were special friends.
Special friends indeed.
FIN