SVK Super Special 5: Elizabeth Hatches an Egg
I bought a bunch of Sweet Valley Kids books on eBay. Then I posted a poll in my LJ about which one sounded the funniest. This one, Super Special #5, won by a very, very large margin. I can’t imagine why. OH WAIT. Could it be the title which just happens to be “ELIZABETH HATCHES AN EGG”? I think it might!
Seriously, you guys. I honestly debated posting a recap that just said, “I found a SVK book called Elizabeth Hatches and Egg” and leaving it at that. No joke I make will be funnier than that mental image.
I could only find this tiny image of the cover. But that’s Liz, with chick on her head, and Jessica (in some kind of old lady nightgown) pointing and laughing at her, as you would.
Egg puns used in this book: Egg-straordinary, Egg-ceptional, Egghead, Egg-xactly. Egg puns used in this recap: NONE. You’re welcome.
Elizabeth jumps on Jessica’s bed and wakes her up. Somewhere in the world, Tiny Crazy Margo is like, “See? This is why she needs to die.” Alice is taking Jessica and Liz to her “friend” Marty’s farm. I don’t think Alice has a friend who runs a farm. I don’t think there are farms in Sweet Valley because they smell funny and farmers drive tractors not sporty foreign cars. Food magically materializes in their kitchens.
Marty-who turns out to be a lady just when I was starting to think of fun “plow” jokes about him being Alice’s friend, damn it-shows them sheep and chickens. Fun fact: my mother grew up on a farm and she is now afraid of chickens. It was her job to take their eggs and the mothers would attack her. However, Liz takes an egg from the chickens and nothing happens. I’m disappointed that it doesn’t peck her to death. That would’ve been a fun book. Anyway, this is a special chicken that lays “green” eggs. It’s gotta be some passive Sweet Valley chicken because in real life the breed mentioned lays blue eggs. No, I don’t know why I know these things.
Liz happily takes her green egg home. No one seems to care that she totally just kidnapped that chicken’s baby! I bet she doesn’t even buy it books from the gift shop. God, you just can’t find quality kidnappers these days.
When then learn that Liz puts the egg under her pillow. I… don’t have words for this.
1. It’s an egg! It will crack! Then she will have EGG all over her pillow! Unless her pillow is made of bread that she can fry up with cinnamon and sugar, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
2. Under the pillow is totally the Tooth Fairy’s turf. If the Easter Bunny wanders into that area, bitch is going to get stabbed. Nobody messes with the Fairy. She collects teeth that is seriously fucked up.
While Jessica dyes eggs, Liz makes a baby bjorn for her egg out of a sock and one of Ned’s ties. She also announces she’s going to enter her green egg into the egg decorating contest but she’s not going to color it because it’s beautiful already. Liz is so wonderful she doesn’t have to do anything to win contests!
Jessica tells Liz not to tell Lila-or anyone for that matter-that she sleeps with her egg. It’s embarrassing. I’m with Jessica on this one. We learn how everyone else decorated their egg. You’ll never guess what Lila did! She got an egg dipped in real gold. That’s so awesome. The other kids are doing handicrafts and Lila’s like, “Yeah, my dad bought me a Faberge egg. I really wanted the Lilies of the Valley egg because it’s purple, but this one is kind of good too.” For some reason, Liz wins the contest though. I think the French judge was on the take.
In addition to this egg contest, there is going to be a Spring Pageant (in which Liz and Amy are writing a skit) and an Easter Parade. This is just way too much Easter celebration to wrap my brain around. All I do is buy some half-price candy the day after.
At recess, Elizabeth ignores Todd, Jessica and everyone else in favor of sitting quietly with her egg and not letting anyone else touch it. God, it’s a wonder she has any friends at all. The teacher, Mrs. Otis, is like, “Liz, you can’t bring your egg to school anymore.” Liz is totally heartbroken that she must be separated from her one true love, the egg (so that’s why she always cheats on Todd), but does not dare defy a direct order from a teacher. She’s too much of a goody-goody for that. She goes to bed fretting about the fate of her egg if she is not around to meddle in its affairs.
Liz wakes up. She finds egg shells under her pillow. Immediately, she blames Jessica even though she was in another room. Liz, you smothered the thing with your pillow. You’re lucky it’s not dead. I mean, it should be squashed or at least not properly incubated, whatever. But it’s not dead-it’s hatched and the baby chick is tangled in Liz’s hair. Insert your own “her hair’s a bird’s nest” joke here. Apparently this is supposed to be adorable but all I can think is “Ew, egg goo.”
Jessica calls the rest of the family. Alice and Steven are like, “Whoa.” But Ned is all, “You can’t keep that thing here.” Ned might have Bruce’s bird fear. He insists Liz take the chick back to Marty’s farm. This is actually a good decision on Ned’s part (chicks are very fragile, so if you buy your kid one for Easter you’re probably actually getting them a lesson in mortality), but I’m going to make fun of him anyway.
HEY NED!
Also of note: Liz names her chick Sneeches. Sneeches. I’m not making that up. I don’t think I need any further proof that she’s not capable of taking care of a baby animal now or ever.
At school, everyone is impressed by Liz’s chick. They don’t make fun of her at all. Weird. Liz thinks, ”While I numbered my paper for the math test, I wondered whether Sneeches was awake or asleep. While I was supposed to be doing my quiet reading, I wondered whether Sneeches missed me. Liz, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but no one misses you when you’re gone, especially not the chick you nearly strangled in the noose of your hair.
Elizabeth spends the evening reading from a book about chickens and “taking care” of Sneeches, which I assume just means hovering around him uselessly. She forgets to do her homework and write the Easter Pageant Skit she promised Amy she would write. Liz the Bard. I wonder if Shakespeare ever got distracted by chickens.
That night, she dreams she is a chicken. I imagine her looking like this. When she wakes up, Sneeches is again on her pillow. I think Liz and her chicken have an inappropriate relationship. They shouldn’t be sharing a bed. (Is it too soon to make a Michael Jackson-bed sharing joke here?) That morning, Sneeches tries desperately to escape the split-level ranch, but is caught stowing away in Ned’s car.
Jessica is jealous because Lila got her Easter bonnet flown in from France, but all Jessica has is some old hat of Alice’s that she tries to decorate with ribbon and shit. Meanwhile, Amy tries to strongarm Liz into actually doing what she promised and writing the skit for the Pageant. I don’t see why Amy can’t write it, but we’re told that Liz is the “best writer in the whole Second Grade.” Eyeroll. Poor Amy has to go to Liz’s house and force her to write. Liz refuses to leave Sneeches alone for a second.
Because neither Elizabeth nor Amy is creative in any way, shape or form, they decide to write their skit about a chick. I know, I know where do they come up with these things?! At school the next day, they all rehearse the skit. Jessica, who likes to be the star, will be playing the chicken.
Liz helps Jessica make her Easter bonnet. Jessica claims that she’s been working on it for days and didn’t come up with anything. Liz has to help her. She says to Jessica, “You’ll make it work.” OH MY GOD. Now Liz is raping Tim Gunn too. This is insanity. Why would Jessica need Liz’s help with a fashion project? Liz would just cover the thing in matching barrettes. Can you imagine what Michael Kors and Nina Garcia would say? This is a bad idea, Jessica, just do it yourself. You might have crazy taste (jumpsuits!) but at least you have some kind of taste.
The girls go through a box of old stuff. It isn’t until later, when they are at dinner, that Ned notices Sneeches is missing. Okay, Liz, you’re a seriously bad mommy if Ned is out parenting you. That’s just, unbelievable. The Wakefield family splits up to search the house for the chick. Because they are boring and not funny, it goes absolutely nothing like this:
It turns out Sneeches was trapped in the old box of things the girls were going through. That is totally lame. It’s too bad Liz didn’t have to call Todd over to help her look. I hear that “can you come over and help me look for my lost chick” can be confused for code for “I’m not wearing any underwear,” so that would’ve been a nice foreshadow of events to come in SVU. I’ll stop making Gilmore Girls references now.
So then the next day they go and do the skit. Apparently Sneeches is in it? Jessica must be furious about being upstaged by an actual chick but we get no mention of that. Can I just say that I think any sort of Pageant written by a second grader has got to be hell to sit through-especially if that second grader is Elizabeth Wakefield.
Then it’s time for the Easter Bonnet Parade. (God, doesn’t it seem like Easter has been going on for a week and a half?) Jessica was so busy helping Liz look for Sneeches the previous night that she didn’t finish her bonnet. Liz has the bright idea of sending Jessica off into the parade with the chick on her head. This Sneeches sure must be a well trained to perform on stage and a parade without any trouble. I guess anything Liz hatches is super special! Jessica wins first place in the bonnet contest, if you couldn’t guess. Poor Lila and her expensive French hat are denied again.
... And that’s the end of the book. They never give the chick back to Marty nor do we ever hear about Sneeches again, so I can only assume he dies some kind of grisly death. In this book alone, he avoided being cracked, smothered, and being buried in a box of old crap and his luck can’t hold out forever. It makes me wonder why we never really heard about Prince Albert in the later books. Maybe the Wakefield house is like some kind of pet death trap that no one talks about. Or maybe they took Sneeches to Vermont and he met the same fate as Todd’s sisterbrother.
Seriously, you guys. I honestly debated posting a recap that just said, “I found a SVK book called Elizabeth Hatches and Egg” and leaving it at that. No joke I make will be funnier than that mental image.
I could only find this tiny image of the cover. But that’s Liz, with chick on her head, and Jessica (in some kind of old lady nightgown) pointing and laughing at her, as you would.
Egg puns used in this book: Egg-straordinary, Egg-ceptional, Egghead, Egg-xactly. Egg puns used in this recap: NONE. You’re welcome.
Elizabeth jumps on Jessica’s bed and wakes her up. Somewhere in the world, Tiny Crazy Margo is like, “See? This is why she needs to die.” Alice is taking Jessica and Liz to her “friend” Marty’s farm. I don’t think Alice has a friend who runs a farm. I don’t think there are farms in Sweet Valley because they smell funny and farmers drive tractors not sporty foreign cars. Food magically materializes in their kitchens.
Marty-who turns out to be a lady just when I was starting to think of fun “plow” jokes about him being Alice’s friend, damn it-shows them sheep and chickens. Fun fact: my mother grew up on a farm and she is now afraid of chickens. It was her job to take their eggs and the mothers would attack her. However, Liz takes an egg from the chickens and nothing happens. I’m disappointed that it doesn’t peck her to death. That would’ve been a fun book. Anyway, this is a special chicken that lays “green” eggs. It’s gotta be some passive Sweet Valley chicken because in real life the breed mentioned lays blue eggs. No, I don’t know why I know these things.
Liz happily takes her green egg home. No one seems to care that she totally just kidnapped that chicken’s baby! I bet she doesn’t even buy it books from the gift shop. God, you just can’t find quality kidnappers these days.
When then learn that Liz puts the egg under her pillow. I… don’t have words for this.
1. It’s an egg! It will crack! Then she will have EGG all over her pillow! Unless her pillow is made of bread that she can fry up with cinnamon and sugar, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
2. Under the pillow is totally the Tooth Fairy’s turf. If the Easter Bunny wanders into that area, bitch is going to get stabbed. Nobody messes with the Fairy. She collects teeth that is seriously fucked up.
While Jessica dyes eggs, Liz makes a baby bjorn for her egg out of a sock and one of Ned’s ties. She also announces she’s going to enter her green egg into the egg decorating contest but she’s not going to color it because it’s beautiful already. Liz is so wonderful she doesn’t have to do anything to win contests!
Jessica tells Liz not to tell Lila-or anyone for that matter-that she sleeps with her egg. It’s embarrassing. I’m with Jessica on this one. We learn how everyone else decorated their egg. You’ll never guess what Lila did! She got an egg dipped in real gold. That’s so awesome. The other kids are doing handicrafts and Lila’s like, “Yeah, my dad bought me a Faberge egg. I really wanted the Lilies of the Valley egg because it’s purple, but this one is kind of good too.” For some reason, Liz wins the contest though. I think the French judge was on the take.
In addition to this egg contest, there is going to be a Spring Pageant (in which Liz and Amy are writing a skit) and an Easter Parade. This is just way too much Easter celebration to wrap my brain around. All I do is buy some half-price candy the day after.
At recess, Elizabeth ignores Todd, Jessica and everyone else in favor of sitting quietly with her egg and not letting anyone else touch it. God, it’s a wonder she has any friends at all. The teacher, Mrs. Otis, is like, “Liz, you can’t bring your egg to school anymore.” Liz is totally heartbroken that she must be separated from her one true love, the egg (so that’s why she always cheats on Todd), but does not dare defy a direct order from a teacher. She’s too much of a goody-goody for that. She goes to bed fretting about the fate of her egg if she is not around to meddle in its affairs.
Liz wakes up. She finds egg shells under her pillow. Immediately, she blames Jessica even though she was in another room. Liz, you smothered the thing with your pillow. You’re lucky it’s not dead. I mean, it should be squashed or at least not properly incubated, whatever. But it’s not dead-it’s hatched and the baby chick is tangled in Liz’s hair. Insert your own “her hair’s a bird’s nest” joke here. Apparently this is supposed to be adorable but all I can think is “Ew, egg goo.”
Jessica calls the rest of the family. Alice and Steven are like, “Whoa.” But Ned is all, “You can’t keep that thing here.” Ned might have Bruce’s bird fear. He insists Liz take the chick back to Marty’s farm. This is actually a good decision on Ned’s part (chicks are very fragile, so if you buy your kid one for Easter you’re probably actually getting them a lesson in mortality), but I’m going to make fun of him anyway.
HEY NED!
Also of note: Liz names her chick Sneeches. Sneeches. I’m not making that up. I don’t think I need any further proof that she’s not capable of taking care of a baby animal now or ever.
At school, everyone is impressed by Liz’s chick. They don’t make fun of her at all. Weird. Liz thinks, ”While I numbered my paper for the math test, I wondered whether Sneeches was awake or asleep. While I was supposed to be doing my quiet reading, I wondered whether Sneeches missed me. Liz, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but no one misses you when you’re gone, especially not the chick you nearly strangled in the noose of your hair.
Elizabeth spends the evening reading from a book about chickens and “taking care” of Sneeches, which I assume just means hovering around him uselessly. She forgets to do her homework and write the Easter Pageant Skit she promised Amy she would write. Liz the Bard. I wonder if Shakespeare ever got distracted by chickens.
That night, she dreams she is a chicken. I imagine her looking like this. When she wakes up, Sneeches is again on her pillow. I think Liz and her chicken have an inappropriate relationship. They shouldn’t be sharing a bed. (Is it too soon to make a Michael Jackson-bed sharing joke here?) That morning, Sneeches tries desperately to escape the split-level ranch, but is caught stowing away in Ned’s car.
Jessica is jealous because Lila got her Easter bonnet flown in from France, but all Jessica has is some old hat of Alice’s that she tries to decorate with ribbon and shit. Meanwhile, Amy tries to strongarm Liz into actually doing what she promised and writing the skit for the Pageant. I don’t see why Amy can’t write it, but we’re told that Liz is the “best writer in the whole Second Grade.” Eyeroll. Poor Amy has to go to Liz’s house and force her to write. Liz refuses to leave Sneeches alone for a second.
Because neither Elizabeth nor Amy is creative in any way, shape or form, they decide to write their skit about a chick. I know, I know where do they come up with these things?! At school the next day, they all rehearse the skit. Jessica, who likes to be the star, will be playing the chicken.
Liz helps Jessica make her Easter bonnet. Jessica claims that she’s been working on it for days and didn’t come up with anything. Liz has to help her. She says to Jessica, “You’ll make it work.” OH MY GOD. Now Liz is raping Tim Gunn too. This is insanity. Why would Jessica need Liz’s help with a fashion project? Liz would just cover the thing in matching barrettes. Can you imagine what Michael Kors and Nina Garcia would say? This is a bad idea, Jessica, just do it yourself. You might have crazy taste (jumpsuits!) but at least you have some kind of taste.
The girls go through a box of old stuff. It isn’t until later, when they are at dinner, that Ned notices Sneeches is missing. Okay, Liz, you’re a seriously bad mommy if Ned is out parenting you. That’s just, unbelievable. The Wakefield family splits up to search the house for the chick. Because they are boring and not funny, it goes absolutely nothing like this:
Click to view
It turns out Sneeches was trapped in the old box of things the girls were going through. That is totally lame. It’s too bad Liz didn’t have to call Todd over to help her look. I hear that “can you come over and help me look for my lost chick” can be confused for code for “I’m not wearing any underwear,” so that would’ve been a nice foreshadow of events to come in SVU. I’ll stop making Gilmore Girls references now.
So then the next day they go and do the skit. Apparently Sneeches is in it? Jessica must be furious about being upstaged by an actual chick but we get no mention of that. Can I just say that I think any sort of Pageant written by a second grader has got to be hell to sit through-especially if that second grader is Elizabeth Wakefield.
Then it’s time for the Easter Bonnet Parade. (God, doesn’t it seem like Easter has been going on for a week and a half?) Jessica was so busy helping Liz look for Sneeches the previous night that she didn’t finish her bonnet. Liz has the bright idea of sending Jessica off into the parade with the chick on her head. This Sneeches sure must be a well trained to perform on stage and a parade without any trouble. I guess anything Liz hatches is super special! Jessica wins first place in the bonnet contest, if you couldn’t guess. Poor Lila and her expensive French hat are denied again.
... And that’s the end of the book. They never give the chick back to Marty nor do we ever hear about Sneeches again, so I can only assume he dies some kind of grisly death. In this book alone, he avoided being cracked, smothered, and being buried in a box of old crap and his luck can’t hold out forever. It makes me wonder why we never really heard about Prince Albert in the later books. Maybe the Wakefield house is like some kind of pet death trap that no one talks about. Or maybe they took Sneeches to Vermont and he met the same fate as Todd’s sisterbrother.