SVU #13 - SS Heartbreak
On the cover, everyone’s having a great time, splashing around the cruise ship’s pool together and not, you know, stealing boyfriends or pushing people into the ocean. I wonder why they felt they had to lie on the cover when the actual storylines are so much more painful.
This book has it all: Punching! Cheating! A fantasy of Todd's! A Patman Proposal (yes, you read that right - a proposal from Bruce Patman)!
If you don’t have time to read my fabulous recap of SVU #12 College Cruise, here’s a brief synopsis of all that’s happened so far:
Liz paid for the entire SVU gang to take a weeklong college-student-only Caribbean cruise, courtesy of money she inherited from William White. Danny’s best friend, Jason, happens to be getting married on the same cruise ship to a girl named Nicole. Turns out, Tom went on two whole dates with Nicole wayyyy back in the day and instead of being mature and telling the rest of the group about their, ahem, "history", they angst inwardly and end up kissing at the end of #12, witnessed by Danny and Liz. Danny punches Tom. Liz runs away. Isabella insists that Danny shouldn’t tell anyone about the kiss he witnessed because it’d ruin their lives. Uh, okay. Jess is feeling lonely and thinks there’s a mysterious stranger lurking around from SVU who keeps saving her life. (She’s a Wakefield - why shouldn’t there be a mysterious stranger?) Nina’s boyfriend Bryan is a tool and left the ship on an island; Nina finds solace in the arms of the ship’s doctor. Denise and Winston missed the ship’s departure and are stuck on the same island as Bryan. Bruce and Lila are having fun together on the cruise, but Lila’s still upset about Tisiano and, at the end of #12, a man who looks like Tisiano landed a helicopter on the cruise ship. Todd is also around, wishing he hadn’t lost Liz, until he meets Gin-Yung.
And now that we’re all caught up, on to the book.
Isabella wants to ensure that Danny will not tell Jason that his fiancée was cheating on him. She reasons, it’s not his business. She says, “One kiss. One fully-clothed, fresh-air kiss. It’s hardly the end of the world.” This is true, because in Sweet Valley, people get cheated on in every other book and it’s always like this and it’s never the end of the world. Danny thinks Jason has a right to know because Nicole will not be a good wife if she cheats on him less than a week before the wedding. Isabella disagrees and asks why he punched Tom. Danny doesn’t know why he punched Tom (Um, because he was kissing your best friend’s fiancée??) and then asks Isabella if she could have resisted Tom in the moonlight. Ew. I mean, even Liz resists him, moonlight or not.
Jessica is busy searching other people’s cabins for a shirt that matches the button she found, lost by the mysterious stranger. She manages to open a lot of cabin doors on the cruise ship using keys to her luggage. Security must be great. The ghostwriter makes a point of saying that Jessica is not searching for condoms. Does this mean she’s on the pill? Anyway, she’s in the cabin next to where Danny and Isabella are talking and overhears their conversation about Tom and Nicole.
Oh, and during their conversation, Isabella notices that Danny did not buy a new wardrobe for the cruise like most of the SVU gang. He’s, wait for it, barely scraping by. To make him feel better, she points out that she, the divine Isabella Ricci, who could have any man on campus, chose him. She says it’s because they both like backgammon. Seriously!
Jessica, like me, gets bored with the conversation. She goes off to find Liz, wanting to comfort her. Liz is in her cabin, trying to ignore the mental picture of Tom and Nicole. She starts thinking of the songs she and Tom hummed together, like "Our Love is Here to Stay." Good grief. The ghostwriter poetically writes, She clung to the exquisite pain of her loss. Liz tells herself that this incident isn’t as important as an earthquake (she’d know) or starving children in Africa, so she imagines the day she wins a Nobel Prize and Tom is heartbroken. But then Liz thinks, She wasn’t remotely interested in being a saint. She was a normal, healthy eighteen year old.
Tom knocks on the door and tries to apologize, but Liz won’t let him in. Then Jessica shows up and thinks she “hadn’t seen so much anxiety over a measly kiss since she was thirteen years old and playing Spin the Bottle.” Hehe! Jessica then thinks that she’s way more mature with men than Liz is. Jess tells Liz that a kiss is just a kiss. Then she starts thinking about her short-lived marriage to Mike and how he’d come home reeking of other women’s perfumes, so she decides that Tom is a no-good slimy cheater. Jessica asks Liz that if the roles were reversed and she’d been on the deck with Todd, would she have kissed Todd? Liz says no, at least not before tonight. Jessica says she would definitely not kiss Todd. Liz makes it clear that she would kiss Todd now, just to be a bitch.
Jess daydreams about dancing with her mystery man at Jason and Nicole’s wedding but then realizes that this fantasy will only come true if Liz says nothing about the kiss. Ahh, Jess. Nothing’s more important than a dance!
Finally, we come to Lila’s story. Lila’s lounging on the deck in a pink bikini, covered by a blanket. The ghostwriter says this is because Lila doesn’t like to “let it all hang out”. Am I the only one who remembers Lila and Jessica trying to out-skimp each other with string bikinis in high school?? Silly ghostwriter. Anyway, the dude whose helicopter landed on the ship is Leonardo, Tisiano’s brother. She’s meeting with him later that afternoon. Lila thinks about her brief marriage with Tisiano, thinking that even if he had survived, the marriage might not have lasted very long. What a horrible thing to think!
Bruce appears! Lila sends him away to get her a drink and that she’ll make room for two under the blanket when he gets back.
Alex/Enid is having trouble with her boyfriend, Noah. As you may recall, they met while she was an alcoholic and called the crisis line and they started dating. This is probably a violation of the rules, but whatever - it happened in high school too. Alex thinks that she’s not pretty, but she is zit-free, thanks to her new face scrub. Noah tries to point out how pretty the sea is, calling it “infinity green/gray,” and Alex says that he’d be good at naming cosmetic colors. Here’s what Alex is wearing: a white shirt, loose white drawstring pants, and sockless white sneakers. There are no words. She thinks she looks like Enid and not Alex, so she tells Noah to get lost for an hour so she can primp.
On the deck, Leonardo approaches Lila. He asks Lila if she has no pride or grief because she’s sporting a bikini instead of hiding away in mourning for his brother. Bruce reappears just then, wearing purple swim trunks and a short white jacket he bribed a steward into lending him. He calls Leonardo “Len”. Lila sends Bruce away to get Leonardo a drink. Leonardo makes Lila feel guilty for not grieving more. Leonardo and Lila agree to meet in the lounge at two. Lila decides that although she loves Bruce, she needs to talk with him about ending their relationship. To appear more demure and modest, she puts on a jacket that matches her bikini, buttoning all the buttons. This means she’s now wearing a buttoned pink jacket over a pink bikini.
Bryan’s stuck on an island that has no airport, so he can’t fly back to Sweet Valley. He curses himself because he learned how to read instead of swim (???). Bryan buys some postcards, in case he doesn’t get back to Sweet Valley. The first one he writes to Nina; the second one he writes to members of the SVU Black Student Union, telling them to carry on the good fight.
Alex meets Noah in the lounge. She’d brushed her hair upside down to give it body and put on infinity gray/green eye shadow that she hopes will entice Noah when she bats her eyes at him. When Noah doesn’t say anything about her makeup, Alex brings it up herself and says he inspired her eye shadow choice. Noah is surprised and tells her that narcissism is a serious personality disorder. Alex is upset, wants a drink, and runs out of the lounge, crashing into Leonardo.
On the island, Denise and Winston run into Bryan. It’s boring. They decide to find a boat that will carry them to Juma, where the cruise ship will be stopping next. Juma also has an airport.
In the lounge, Alex and Leonardo officially meet. Leonardo tells Lila that he’ll be staying on the cruise ship. Lila and Noah notice Leonardo checking out Alex.
Danny and Isabella decide they need to teach Jason how to be more romantic to Nicole because maybe then she won’t cheat on him. The four of them go on a double date at the espresso bar on the ship. Jason suggests that he and Danny go to the gym. Nicole says it’d be more romantic to share a bag of popcorn in the movie theater; Jason complains that popcorn is fattening. (Is this a jab that Nicole needs to fit into her wedding dress?) Danny suggests playing miniature gold and points out that Jason is good at golf and could teach Nicole. Jason says no because mini golf is for amateurs. Danny suggests going to the pool so they can rub sunblock on each other, but Jason is getting over an ear infection and can’t go swimming. Danny finally points out the romantic pictures of Paris in the espresso bar. Jason says that Paris is only romantic if you want to get ripped off. Danny orders himself another croissant and espresso.
Tom’s moping on his bed. He pulls out a book of 18th century poetry he’d packed “in case he needed something stirring to whisper in Elizabeth’s ear.” WTF dude?? No wonder he’s not getting any. Tom thinks, Not since his entire family had been wiped out in a car crash had he felt so abandoned. Um, Tom, this is kinda your fault. He rationalizes that only the “coldest hearted creep” would not have put his arms around Nicole to comfort her. Tom does not understand the difference between a comforting hug and kissing someone. He continues to flip through his poetry book, thinking about how to woo back Liz.
At the espresso bar, Isabella notices that Danny ordered himself another drink but didn’t get her a replacement. She thinks Danny needs to teach by example and prove he’s romantic too. She wants to find out if Danny takes her for granted.
Danny and Jason drop Nicole and Isabella off at the mini golf course and leave to go for a run. Danny notices that Jason seems much happier when Nicole isn’t around. The two of them start talking about how hot their girlfriends are and Jason says that he “knows” Nicole would never cheat on him. Danny thinks that he needs to somehow get Jason to break off the engagement.
The ship’s doctor, Richard, is staring into Nina’s eyes. He asks if she can forgive him for being everything her parents wanted her to find in a man. Nina thinks that he’s amazingly on target. Richard says that he’s considered “God’s gift to mother-in-laws.” He then tells Nina that dating Bryan must have been part of her rebellious phase.
Bryan gets pickpocketed on the island.
Back to Danny and Jason. Jason gives Danny the wedding ring to keep it safe. Danny suggests that Jason keep it in the ship’s vault, but Jason’s an idiot and says it’ll be safer with Danny. Jason tells Danny that Nicole has a summer job with a law firm so he can eventually live off her paycheck.
Isabella is jealous that Danny is spending so much time with Jason and Nicole, even though she was the one who suggested it in the first place.
Liz is angsting away in her cabin about the fact that Tom thought they were going to do the deed on the high seas. We also get insight as to why Tom brought the poetry book. Liz says that when she finally does it, she wants the “union to be as deep and starry as those Lord Byron has set to verse.” Liz whines that both Tom and Todd have found consolation elsewhere after she wouldn’t do them. She thinks that she’s not ready and she’s not going to do it, so she leaves her room and goes to a 50’s style soda fountain on the cruise ship.
Isabella and Jessica argue over whether Danny should have told Jason. Jess argues that it’s Danny’s duty as best man to tell Jason. Isabella says that if Danny cheated on her, she wouldn’t want to know about it.
On the island, Denise and Winston rent a boat.
At the soda fountain, Liz sees Todd and Gin-Yung. Todd waves her over. Liz thinks that a day earlier, she would have been happy to see Todd with a new girl in his life. However, today, Liz wants to take him back. Liz tells them her troubles with Tom and asks if she’s overreacting. Todd pats her hand and says, “If you were anybody else, I might think you were overreacting. But it’s you, Liz. Nobody’s as loyal as you are.” Todd, have you forgotten all the cheating that went on your junior year of high school?? Gin-Yung says she’s lost her appetite (that makes two of us).
Winston and Denise paddle over to the Pleasure Palace, which is not on Juma. They landed on the wrong island. And the Pleasure Palace is not what you might think. It’s a rundown motel. Bryan, left behind on the other island, is worried, and then someone behind him says, “Pardon, monsieur.” Bryan automatically assumes he’s about to be mugged. However, the guy speaking French is named Jean Martin and brings Bryan back to his little house near the harbor, where he’s a fisherman. Bryan decides that this guy must live the life of luxury and that Jean must be happier than Bryan will ever be. Jean offers Bryan shelter and food if Bryan helps him in the morning. Bryan accepts.
Danny keeps pointing out hot chicks to Jason and asking him if he’s interested in them instead of Nicole (way to be sly, big guy). Jason asks Danny if he’s interested in Nicole, since he seems to be trying to break them up. Danny decides to try a new tactic. He writes NICOLEJASON on a napkin and points out all the words you can make with those letters, like “jail,” “saloon,” “loco,” “insane,” and “loose.” At the last word, Danny looks around and whispers, “That could mean… fooling around.” Jason is pissed (rightfully so) and retorts, “You’re talking about the future mother of my children!”
At the breakfast buffet, Jess is going through the buffet line repeatedly, trying to catch a glimpse of her mystery man. Liz is spending her time flirting with Todd, who’s alone. Todd’s confused but then remembers his high school fantasies:
He’d pictured breakfast in bed, Elizabeth in a peach silk nightgown and one perfect rose on the tray. He’d imagined old married breakfasts in the kitchen. "Honey, pass me the sports section, will you?" They’d often had breakfast together last fall, when they’d first gotten to SVU. But it had never been the morning after the night before breakfast of his fantasies. Elizabeth might not have believed it, but breakfast had been on his mind when he’d tried to talk her into bed last fall. Sure, he’d wanted to make love to her, but he’d also wanted what came after - talk, tenderness, and orange juice for two.
Barf. Does anyone actually believe this is a realistic teenage boy fantasy? Please.
Todd is confused and torn between Liz and Gin-Yung because, let’s face it, he’s not that bright and apparently has trouble distinguishing between the past and the present. Liz is so high school. And she’s kind of a bitch. And she’s clearly using him.
Nicole wonders if Jason is ready to get married. Anyone reading the book thus far would say no. And neither is she.
Back to the drama-filled breakfast buffet. Tom walks in and sees Liz and Todd together. At a nearby table, Richard the Doc and Nina are having a conversation in which he’s lecturing her on how rich his family is. When Nina asks him the time, he responds, “It’s nine o’Rolex.” What. A. Catch.
At another table, Bruce is eating by himself. Bruce decides that he is not going to give up on Lila, no matter what Leonardo may say.
At yet another table, Alex is sitting with Leonardo. He tells her she has beautiful eyes (what a line).
At another table, Noah is seething inwardly. He reminisces about his history with Alex and how he helped her fight the battle against alcohol.
I guess everyone’s in the damn dining room because at ANOTHER table, Isabella decides to sit with a group of girls she and Nicole met while playing mini golf. She’s trying to distract herself from thinking about Danny and the possibility that he might no longer be in love with her.
On the island, Bryan refuses to get into the boat with Jean. Jean basically tells the little bitch, “I gave you shelter and food, so get in the damn boat, douchebag.” Jean also tells Bryan that he will learn how to swim. Jean then pushes Bryan into the water numerous times until Bryan figures out how to swim. Jean mentions that he’s writing a paper on liberation for his application for a scholarship to the University of Miami. Bryan asks why Jean needs to go to college, since he has such a perfect life. Jean (and the rest of us) are appalled by the fact that he has to explain to Bryan that fishing is a hard life, his girlfriend is already at the university and she looks so good in a wetsuit that he doesn’t want to leave her alone. They agree that Bryan will help Jean edit his essay, and Jean will help Bryan learn to swim.
The cruise ship docks at Juma. Bryan, Winston, and Denise are not there.
Danny, Isabella, Nicole, and Jason are trying to decide what to do on Juma when they run into Tom. Tom says he’s going to the market, and since Nicole didn’t want to go snorkeling like the others in the group, Jason tells Nicole to go to the market with Tom and shop for coral earrings. After Tom and Nicole leave, Danny and Isabella whisper-argue about what just occurred and convince Jason that they can go snorkeling anywhere but they can only get starfruit on this island so they should go to the market instead.
On board ship, Jessica takes advantage of the fact that everyone’s left the ship to continue combing through rooms. As she’s in one of the cabins, a steward walks in and catches Jessica red-handed. He tries to bribe her for his silence, but she doesn’t realize it and says no.
Todd and Liz leave the cruise ship together. Todd has forgotten his camera, so we get this gem: If he had a camera, thirty-five of the thirty-six shots would have featured Elizabeth Wakefield. He wouldn’t have included her in the thirty-sixth, just to show how her absence diminished a landscape.
I can’t believe I used to swoon over this guy!
Liz gets sad because she sees Tom and Nicole together. Todd knows that she’s not over Tom. He then realizes that he and Liz are not meant to be together.
Nicole whines to Tom that Jason doesn’t seem to want to be with her and is dumping her off with others instead of spending time with her. She tells him that she liked their kiss the other night. He tells her, “Yeah, it was great.” He also says it made his lips tingle. Then he tells her that the kiss made him feel disloyal and bad. In reply, Nicole says, “Kiss me, Tom. I have to know whether our kiss the other night was the last one for the road, or a sign that I’m not ready to be a bride.”
Tom says no.
Nicole replies that it’s simple, all Tom has to do is put his arms around her. Nicole tells Tom that Liz has punished him enough for two kisses. So, Tom kisses her. What a douche.
Liz and Todd witness this kiss. Liz thinks about how much she hates Tom and then she kisses Todd! Gin-Yung sees their kiss! Jason, Danny, and Isabella then rush into the market and Danny, leading the pack, sees the Liz/Todd kiss and the Nicole/Tom kiss!
Noah and Gin-Yung (aka, the rejected would-be lovers) run into each other and start talking. Noah thinks that Gin-Yung is “almost as special as Alex.” Lucky her - Todd thinks she’s almost as special as Liz.
On the island, Nina’s trying to call Bryan, assuming that he’s back home in Sweet Valley. She has to tell the incredulous operator that he doesn’t have an answering machine because “he thinks it’s very yuppie.” I really hate Bryan.
Lila is shopping on Juma, thinking about Bruce and Tisiano. Bruce is also walking around the island, thinking about his wealth and how he shouldn’t feel bad for it (attaboy, Bruce!). He stops at an art gallery and sees a glass fish that he wants to buy. It is not for sale. The shop owner says he’s the second person who’s inquired about the fish that day. The owner says to come back at noon to see whether the artist says it can be for sale. Bruce says he’ll come back and thinks that maybe the other buyer will be a young lady who will take his mind off Lila.
On the other island, Bryan, getting the hang of swimming, asks Jean about waterskiing and how long that takes to learn.
Back to Juma. At noon, Bruce goes back to the shop and finds out that Lila was the other interested buyer! The shop owner says that the price is $500, if either of them is still interested. Bruce and Lila both agree that the price is not nearly high enough and haggle with each other about who should buy it. Bruce ends up buying the glass fish and presents it as a gift to Lila.
On board ship, Alex and Leonardo are having a chat. He says he wants to sign her for his modeling agency in Milan. She decides to forget about Noah because she’s going to be a model!
Back on Juma, Lila bursts into tears at Bruce’s generosity. This beautiful scene unfolds:
Ignoring the fish, Bruce put gentle hands on her shoulders. “I would rather give you a ring, to tell you the truth, but you’re obviously not ready, so I’ll give you what you’re willing to take.”
“Bruce Patman, are you proposing to me?” Lila gaped at him. Her sniffles gave way to a fresh round of sobs.
His mouth was suddenly dry. He hadn’t meant to propose; the words had just slipped out.
“Let me put it this way,” he said. “Having almost died with you, I figured out that I’d much rather live with you and forever seems the right length of time, so I guess maybe I’m proposing to propose to you in a year. Or two… Meanwhile, if you would accept this fish as the traditional Patman symbol of affection - “
“Bruce, I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you this minute, but I can’t.” Her voice broke. “I just can’t.”
She thrust the fish into his hands and fled.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of all the romance plots in all the Sweet Valley series, this has to be the best scene ever. It’s so sweet! And it’s Bruce! And Lila!
Back on the ship, Jess decides to ask for her money back for the cruise because she thinks it’s supposed to be romantic and it’s not. She sees everyone walking back to the cruise ship and everyone looks pissed. I guess everyone should ask for their money back. But then Jessica realizes that there’s going to be a dance on board later that night, so she gets happy again and goes to pick out her outfit.
Danny and Isabella argue about whether they should tell Jason about Nicole and Tom. Danny says that Isabella can no longer argue that it was just one little kiss. Isabella says, “One, two, who’s counting?” Danny does not find this funny because they were kissing in a freaking marketplace, not even trying to hide it. He questions whether Isabella would do this to him. She is offended - and someone knocks on the door. It’s Jason!
Jason is worried that Nicole is getting cold feet because she’s acting funny. This would be a perfect time for Danny to tell him, but he doesn’t. Jason tells Danny that he’s decided to get married tonight to get rid of any cold feet, so Jason says Danny should get the ring out. In a brazen, yet stupid, attempt to stop the wedding, Danny tells Jason that the ring is gone!
At the dance that night, the captain goes over to Jessica and asks for the ring. Since the steward had caught Jessica going through cabins, once Jason reported the missing ring to the ship’s crew, they automatically assumed it must be Jessica’s fault. She’s arrested. Jessica tries to explain that she was just looking for a button from her mystery man’s shirt, but the captain doesn’t believe her and no mystery man comes to her rescue.
In the dramatic conclusion, Denise and Winston, who are in a boat trying to get to the right island, suffer through the loss of the boat’s engine. Winston then accidentally drops his paddle in the water. Dum dum dum…..
For the thrilling conclusion, there is no need to wait - #14, Shipboard Wedding, has already been recapped.