Sweet Valley Kids #11: Crybaby Lois
Sweet Valley Kids #11: Crybaby Lois
As you know, Lois Waller is fat. Terribly, terribly fat. But did you also know that she’s a crybaby? Apparently it is so, because this book is called “Crybaby Lois.” I don’t know why the denizens of Sweet Valley don’t run her out of town. God.
Actually, Lois doesn’t look that fat on the cover to me. Sure she’s rocking an sweatshirt with hearts on it but I had a sweatshirt with teddy bears on it that I loved so who am I to hate? And it doesn’t look any worse than Liz’s mom jeans. Geez.
Jessica and Elizabeth race their bikes to the park. They tie because they do everything together. Vomit. Then Liz and Todd decide to race. They trash talk. Winston must be mean when he’s a child because he randomly makes fun of poor fat Lois Waller because she still has training wheels on her bike. Ken laughs and calls Lois a baby. Didn’t Winston and Ken used to be nice?
Goody Two Shoes Liz sticks up for her when everyone else laughs. Ken suggests they play “Robin Hood.” I don’t think that’s a real game but in my head it’s like this:
What was I saying? Oh, right. Liz thinks Lois is scared of everything because her mother is over-protective. Liz wishes she had a mother who actually cared about what she did all day, because maybe, just maybe, with all the psycho killers wandering around Sweet Valley there might actually be a reason to be afraid. No, I kid. Of course she doesn’t think that. She thinks she’s going to meddle in Lois’s affairs and solve all her problems in the course of a short chapter book!
At school, Charlie Cashman steals Lois’s sweater. We’re told Lois likes this sweater because she thinks it makes her look “less chubby.” Even in first grade, the girls of Sweet Valley have body issues. Christ, when I was that young I wore neon spandex pants with grubby pastel t-shirts and hair that was cut by my mom’s friend yet still thought I was stylin’. Caroline Pearce tells the teacher and Charlie has to give it back. I would like to point out that, though Liz was standing right there talking to Lois, it was not she who spoke up on Lois’s behalf. Liz isn’t as nice as she thinks she is, I'm just sayin'
Later, at recess, Lila asks if Lois brought her “nice” jump rope, and then proceeds to keep Lois from using it. Liz has to force Lila to include Lois. Is there really such a thing as a “nice” jump rope? Isn’t it just a rope? And if Lila wanted one like Lois’s, wouldn’t her dad just buy her one? I’m not saying Lila wouldn’t do this (I could totally see her commandeering other people’s stuff); I just think it’s weird.
After school at the park, Ken makes fun of Lois again. Damnit, Ken, don’t make me glad you went blind that time. Lois tells Liz she can’t climb on the jungle gym or swing high on the swing set. It makes her dizzy. Liz is like, “Just try it!” What a great solution. What if she had some kind of inner ear disorder and it really did make her dizzy? This possibility is not explored. Liz insists that Lois learn to ride a two-wheel bike.
Liz tries to teach Lois to ride. We’re told that Jessica and Elizabeth had “no problem” abandoning their training wheels. I roll my eyes. Lois is afraid and tells Liz not to let go of the bike, or she might fall. But of course Liz does let go and Lois falls three times. Three times! She wasn’t going very fast and doesn’t get hurt but I am irate on Lois’s behalf! Where is the adult supervision?!? (Don’t answer that) Why does she let Liz abuse her!? This may stem from the fact that when I was learning to ride a bike, I told my mom not to let go of the back but she did because she thought I was doing so well and then I couldn’t stop and I fell and broke my arm. Lois could’ve been hurt for godsakes. Luckily, we know Lois isn’t permanently scarred by these lessons because she eventually becomes a bike champion. But still.
Anyway, Lois soldiers on even though she is near tears, because she doesn’t want anyone to make fun of her anymore. Aww. Poor little fat Lois.
The next day, Lila, Jessica and Ellen put their hair in pigtails (like Lois wears) and pretend to cry at everything. Wow, they are so witty. Liz is furious with her twin-as she should be. Then she tells Jessica that she is going to invite Lois over after school the next day. Jessica is scandalized and says that Lila is coming over the next day. Liz doesn’t care. Er. I like this idea in theory but is it really a good idea to have Lois over at the same time as her tormentor? Won’t they just be mean to her again? I’m not sure Liz has thought this through.
The next day, Lila and Jessica are-wait for it-mean to Lois. I know! Who could have predicted this!?
See, these new people moved in on Calico Drive. They have an apple tree in their front yard. (Why the tree wasn’t there for the previous occupants is not explained. I guess they brought the tree with them?) Earlier Jessica wanted to eat the apples but Liz reminded her that they don’t know these people and it might not be okay. So Jessica tells Lois that she and Lila will be nice to her and let her play with them if she steals them apples.
Todd and Steven are randomly there to point out that this tree looks easy to climb. Shut up, you two. No one asked you.
So Lois goes and only climbs a little before Mrs. Brant-the owner of the house-storms out and is all “What is going on here!?” The kids run. Notice that I say “the kids” and not “all the kids except Liz who is a good person and stays behind for her friend.” Eventually Liz does make them go back but I feel the need to point out that was not her first instinct.
Mrs. Brant is angry at them, but luckily for Lois there is a kitten in the tree. When she saw it, she began to climb in earnest, because she wanted to rescue it (we’re told that she has cats and really wants hamsters). Mrs. Brant says it’s dangerous to climb trees but it was sweet of her to try to rescue the kitten. She goes for a ladder. Mrs. Brant is the best adult in this series by far.
“I rescued her,” Lois said happily as she jumped down from the last step. “I felt so sorry for her because I knew how scared she was.”
Again I say: Aww. As a reward, Mrs. Brant gives them all apples.
Lois suggests they make applesauce. Everyone thinks this is a wonderful idea. I have to protest. They should make apple pie. They wash the apples and do a stupid bit about bobbing for apples that is a tie-in to the next book, Sweet Valley Trick or Treat and that is the end.
In case you can’t tell, the moral of this story is “Peer Pressure-Give Into It and You’ll be Popular!” Now that I think about it, that’s the moral of the entire Sweet Valley series so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
As you know, Lois Waller is fat. Terribly, terribly fat. But did you also know that she’s a crybaby? Apparently it is so, because this book is called “Crybaby Lois.” I don’t know why the denizens of Sweet Valley don’t run her out of town. God.
Actually, Lois doesn’t look that fat on the cover to me. Sure she’s rocking an sweatshirt with hearts on it but I had a sweatshirt with teddy bears on it that I loved so who am I to hate? And it doesn’t look any worse than Liz’s mom jeans. Geez.
Jessica and Elizabeth race their bikes to the park. They tie because they do everything together. Vomit. Then Liz and Todd decide to race. They trash talk. Winston must be mean when he’s a child because he randomly makes fun of poor fat Lois Waller because she still has training wheels on her bike. Ken laughs and calls Lois a baby. Didn’t Winston and Ken used to be nice?
Goody Two Shoes Liz sticks up for her when everyone else laughs. Ken suggests they play “Robin Hood.” I don’t think that’s a real game but in my head it’s like this:
Click to viewWhat was I saying? Oh, right. Liz thinks Lois is scared of everything because her mother is over-protective. Liz wishes she had a mother who actually cared about what she did all day, because maybe, just maybe, with all the psycho killers wandering around Sweet Valley there might actually be a reason to be afraid. No, I kid. Of course she doesn’t think that. She thinks she’s going to meddle in Lois’s affairs and solve all her problems in the course of a short chapter book!
At school, Charlie Cashman steals Lois’s sweater. We’re told Lois likes this sweater because she thinks it makes her look “less chubby.” Even in first grade, the girls of Sweet Valley have body issues. Christ, when I was that young I wore neon spandex pants with grubby pastel t-shirts and hair that was cut by my mom’s friend yet still thought I was stylin’. Caroline Pearce tells the teacher and Charlie has to give it back. I would like to point out that, though Liz was standing right there talking to Lois, it was not she who spoke up on Lois’s behalf. Liz isn’t as nice as she thinks she is, I'm just sayin'
Later, at recess, Lila asks if Lois brought her “nice” jump rope, and then proceeds to keep Lois from using it. Liz has to force Lila to include Lois. Is there really such a thing as a “nice” jump rope? Isn’t it just a rope? And if Lila wanted one like Lois’s, wouldn’t her dad just buy her one? I’m not saying Lila wouldn’t do this (I could totally see her commandeering other people’s stuff); I just think it’s weird.
After school at the park, Ken makes fun of Lois again. Damnit, Ken, don’t make me glad you went blind that time. Lois tells Liz she can’t climb on the jungle gym or swing high on the swing set. It makes her dizzy. Liz is like, “Just try it!” What a great solution. What if she had some kind of inner ear disorder and it really did make her dizzy? This possibility is not explored. Liz insists that Lois learn to ride a two-wheel bike.
Liz tries to teach Lois to ride. We’re told that Jessica and Elizabeth had “no problem” abandoning their training wheels. I roll my eyes. Lois is afraid and tells Liz not to let go of the bike, or she might fall. But of course Liz does let go and Lois falls three times. Three times! She wasn’t going very fast and doesn’t get hurt but I am irate on Lois’s behalf! Where is the adult supervision?!? (Don’t answer that) Why does she let Liz abuse her!? This may stem from the fact that when I was learning to ride a bike, I told my mom not to let go of the back but she did because she thought I was doing so well and then I couldn’t stop and I fell and broke my arm. Lois could’ve been hurt for godsakes. Luckily, we know Lois isn’t permanently scarred by these lessons because she eventually becomes a bike champion. But still.
Anyway, Lois soldiers on even though she is near tears, because she doesn’t want anyone to make fun of her anymore. Aww. Poor little fat Lois.
The next day, Lila, Jessica and Ellen put their hair in pigtails (like Lois wears) and pretend to cry at everything. Wow, they are so witty. Liz is furious with her twin-as she should be. Then she tells Jessica that she is going to invite Lois over after school the next day. Jessica is scandalized and says that Lila is coming over the next day. Liz doesn’t care. Er. I like this idea in theory but is it really a good idea to have Lois over at the same time as her tormentor? Won’t they just be mean to her again? I’m not sure Liz has thought this through.
The next day, Lila and Jessica are-wait for it-mean to Lois. I know! Who could have predicted this!?
See, these new people moved in on Calico Drive. They have an apple tree in their front yard. (Why the tree wasn’t there for the previous occupants is not explained. I guess they brought the tree with them?) Earlier Jessica wanted to eat the apples but Liz reminded her that they don’t know these people and it might not be okay. So Jessica tells Lois that she and Lila will be nice to her and let her play with them if she steals them apples.
Todd and Steven are randomly there to point out that this tree looks easy to climb. Shut up, you two. No one asked you.
So Lois goes and only climbs a little before Mrs. Brant-the owner of the house-storms out and is all “What is going on here!?” The kids run. Notice that I say “the kids” and not “all the kids except Liz who is a good person and stays behind for her friend.” Eventually Liz does make them go back but I feel the need to point out that was not her first instinct.
Mrs. Brant is angry at them, but luckily for Lois there is a kitten in the tree. When she saw it, she began to climb in earnest, because she wanted to rescue it (we’re told that she has cats and really wants hamsters). Mrs. Brant says it’s dangerous to climb trees but it was sweet of her to try to rescue the kitten. She goes for a ladder. Mrs. Brant is the best adult in this series by far.
“I rescued her,” Lois said happily as she jumped down from the last step. “I felt so sorry for her because I knew how scared she was.”
Again I say: Aww. As a reward, Mrs. Brant gives them all apples.
Lois suggests they make applesauce. Everyone thinks this is a wonderful idea. I have to protest. They should make apple pie. They wash the apples and do a stupid bit about bobbing for apples that is a tie-in to the next book, Sweet Valley Trick or Treat and that is the end.
In case you can’t tell, the moral of this story is “Peer Pressure-Give Into It and You’ll be Popular!” Now that I think about it, that’s the moral of the entire Sweet Valley series so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.