Sweet Valley Kids #14: Jessica the Baby-Sitter
Sweet Valley Kids #14: Jessica the Baby-Sitter.
Small version of the cover can be found here. It looks like Liz and Jess just had a baby and Liz is the proud father.
If the first thought you have upon seeing the title is, “What the fuck?! Who would let Jessica watch their kids?” You’re having the proper response. Thankfully, Jessica never actually babysits anyone in this book, so the title is slightly misleading. I think they're just trying to trademark infringe that other book series.
The back of the book tells me that for some reason Liz and Jess think that Alice is pregnant. For some reason, I find this ridiculous. I guess I assume that if Ned’s general incompetence as a father and a lawyer is any indication, it’s probably total luck that he managed to knock Alice up twice. Three times would just be improbable.
Elizabeth is all excited to get to see the new baby who lives next door. Her name is Jenny and we’re told that Liz is happy to learn the baby has “blond hair and blue eyes just like us.” I find this unsettling. Like if the baby weren’t a member of the Aryan race, then she’d get no book about her. God, Liz is such a little Nazi and she’s instilling these values in small children! And by small children I mean me when I was a kid! That bitch. Trying to brainwash me…
Where was I? Oh, page one.
For the sake of this book, the Wakefields have neighbors named the DeVitos. I assume they both look like Danny, except for the baby of course who is beautiful. I wonder how old this baby is. We’re told that they just named her Jenny but there are lengthy descriptions of her blue eyes. Don’t babies take like years to develop permanent eye color? I bet they refused to name the thing until she had blue eyes. If she had brown, she’d have gone in the garbage.
Mrs. DeVito lets Jessica hold the baby. Big mistake, lady. I am incredulous-however-when Jessica doesn’t spike the baby’s bottle with magical vodka. She just holds the thing and gives it back. Bo-ring.
Then they go home and Ned and Alice wax nostalgic about having twin babies. Ned admits he was afraid he’d mix them up. Um, Ned, you’re not supposed to admit that. You’re supposed to say you could always tell them apart. As I’ve said in previous recaps, I am also an identical twin and I have a birthmark on my stomach and that’s how my grandparents told me from my sister when they babysat. I’m surprised to see no mention of Liz’s birthmark (or did they forget about that after a few SVH books?). Anyway, Ned and Alice talk about having twin babies like it was great. No mention that it’s a shitload of work. Only Steven complains about the crying, smell, etc. I know he’s supposed to be annoying here but I’m grateful that he’s there or I’d be gagging at the saccharine-sweetness.
Jessica decides she wants to make Alice have another baby. I imagine little Jessica hanging outside the parents’ room with, like, Barry White music and sex toys. The twins, of course, don’t consider that being pregnant might not be fun for Alice-they want a sister so they’re going to talk her into it. Wee little sociopathic Jessica, isn’t she adorable?
A boy named Andy tells the twins that his mother is pregnant and she eats weird things, like a pickle and ice cream. Jessica, based on the irrefutable evidence that Alice ate a hamburger with ketchup and mustard, concludes that Alice is already pregnant. Liz wants to know why Alice wouldn’t tell them if she’s pregnant. Jessica says, and I quote, “Let’s spy on her and see if we find any other signs.” I don’t see how that answers the “why wouldn’t she tell us?” question but it sure does make me laugh. Now in my head little tiny Jessica is peeking in at the Wakefields' bedroom activities from a tree.
After school, Alice takes the twins shopping for new school clothes. While out, she stops in the baby boutique. She tells them it is to get a present for the DeVitos, but of course they don’t believe her. Alice buys two outfits. The twins are convinced that Alice wants one for the present and one for her (not yet born) baby. I think Alice might just be a freak who likes baby clothes. I bet keeps baby shoes she found too. (It’s not stealing if it fell on the ground!)
In school, Jessica names the unborn baby. "Victoria Ashley Melanie Jaqueline Annabel Wakefield." No, I’m not making that up. I dunno, you guys. I don’t think it has the same ring to it as Daniella Fromage or Magenta Galaxy. Liz names the baby "Emily Claire Wakefield." I protest! Emily is my name! No stealing! Jessica, thank god, shoots her down. Lila weighs in and names it "Alexandra Cassandra Wakefield." Because it’s Lila, I will say I like that name best.
At home, the girls snoop through Alice’s stuff. She has lots of designs for baby rooms. (It couldn’t possibly be because she’s an interior decorator!)
The next day, the girls go over to Mrs. DeVito and volunteer their services. I’m confused when Mrs. DeVito doesn’t chase them from her property, but she doesn't actually leave the girls alone with the baby so that's something. She just tries to get housework done while the girls "watch" Jenny. The baby wakes up and starts to cry. The girls freak out. Mrs. DeVito is all “she just needs to be changed” and she does that. The girls are scandalized. BABIES POOP!?! Gross. Jenny keeps crying and Mrs. DeVito says she’s just cranky that day. The twins decide babies suck.
That was fast.
Jessica starts to freak out. She says if Alice had another kid then they’d be the middle children. Everyone knows middle kids aren’t special. Sorry, middle kids, you are not Sweet Valley approved. (Although, technically, Liz is already the middle child. I don't know if that's better for your cause though, middle kids.)
Liz starts to worry that Alice really is pregnant. She thinks, What if their mother wanted another baby? What if she thought the twins were getting too old? Maybe their mother wanted a little baby to hug instead of two old girls. Oh my god! What if the twins aren’t the center of the universe anymore?!?
Finally, after sixty or so pages of speculation, Liz decides to just ask if Alice is pregnant. Seriously, you guys, the suspense is killing me. I mean, I know in high school they don’t have a baby sister, but this could be different right? The twins go into their parents room and ask.
In response, Ned laughs at them. I’m serious. He laughs in their faces. I love it. He’s so incompetent as a parent. Alice assures them the decorations are for work and the extra baby clothes are for another woman she knows.
What follows are annoying passages in which Ned and Alice assure the twins that they’re happy with the family they have and do not need anything more than the twins (and Steven, I suppose) to make them happy. Why would the Wakefields want to have more kids? Nothing could top the perfect experience of having these twins! (No, I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that.) Ugh.
(Then there are two pages of set-up for Fearless Elizabeth but mostly that’s the end.)
Small version of the cover can be found here. It looks like Liz and Jess just had a baby and Liz is the proud father.
If the first thought you have upon seeing the title is, “What the fuck?! Who would let Jessica watch their kids?” You’re having the proper response. Thankfully, Jessica never actually babysits anyone in this book, so the title is slightly misleading. I think they're just trying to trademark infringe that other book series.
The back of the book tells me that for some reason Liz and Jess think that Alice is pregnant. For some reason, I find this ridiculous. I guess I assume that if Ned’s general incompetence as a father and a lawyer is any indication, it’s probably total luck that he managed to knock Alice up twice. Three times would just be improbable.
Elizabeth is all excited to get to see the new baby who lives next door. Her name is Jenny and we’re told that Liz is happy to learn the baby has “blond hair and blue eyes just like us.” I find this unsettling. Like if the baby weren’t a member of the Aryan race, then she’d get no book about her. God, Liz is such a little Nazi and she’s instilling these values in small children! And by small children I mean me when I was a kid! That bitch. Trying to brainwash me…
Where was I? Oh, page one.
For the sake of this book, the Wakefields have neighbors named the DeVitos. I assume they both look like Danny, except for the baby of course who is beautiful. I wonder how old this baby is. We’re told that they just named her Jenny but there are lengthy descriptions of her blue eyes. Don’t babies take like years to develop permanent eye color? I bet they refused to name the thing until she had blue eyes. If she had brown, she’d have gone in the garbage.
Mrs. DeVito lets Jessica hold the baby. Big mistake, lady. I am incredulous-however-when Jessica doesn’t spike the baby’s bottle with magical vodka. She just holds the thing and gives it back. Bo-ring.
Then they go home and Ned and Alice wax nostalgic about having twin babies. Ned admits he was afraid he’d mix them up. Um, Ned, you’re not supposed to admit that. You’re supposed to say you could always tell them apart. As I’ve said in previous recaps, I am also an identical twin and I have a birthmark on my stomach and that’s how my grandparents told me from my sister when they babysat. I’m surprised to see no mention of Liz’s birthmark (or did they forget about that after a few SVH books?). Anyway, Ned and Alice talk about having twin babies like it was great. No mention that it’s a shitload of work. Only Steven complains about the crying, smell, etc. I know he’s supposed to be annoying here but I’m grateful that he’s there or I’d be gagging at the saccharine-sweetness.
Jessica decides she wants to make Alice have another baby. I imagine little Jessica hanging outside the parents’ room with, like, Barry White music and sex toys. The twins, of course, don’t consider that being pregnant might not be fun for Alice-they want a sister so they’re going to talk her into it. Wee little sociopathic Jessica, isn’t she adorable?
A boy named Andy tells the twins that his mother is pregnant and she eats weird things, like a pickle and ice cream. Jessica, based on the irrefutable evidence that Alice ate a hamburger with ketchup and mustard, concludes that Alice is already pregnant. Liz wants to know why Alice wouldn’t tell them if she’s pregnant. Jessica says, and I quote, “Let’s spy on her and see if we find any other signs.” I don’t see how that answers the “why wouldn’t she tell us?” question but it sure does make me laugh. Now in my head little tiny Jessica is peeking in at the Wakefields' bedroom activities from a tree.
After school, Alice takes the twins shopping for new school clothes. While out, she stops in the baby boutique. She tells them it is to get a present for the DeVitos, but of course they don’t believe her. Alice buys two outfits. The twins are convinced that Alice wants one for the present and one for her (not yet born) baby. I think Alice might just be a freak who likes baby clothes. I bet keeps baby shoes she found too. (It’s not stealing if it fell on the ground!)
In school, Jessica names the unborn baby. "Victoria Ashley Melanie Jaqueline Annabel Wakefield." No, I’m not making that up. I dunno, you guys. I don’t think it has the same ring to it as Daniella Fromage or Magenta Galaxy. Liz names the baby "Emily Claire Wakefield." I protest! Emily is my name! No stealing! Jessica, thank god, shoots her down. Lila weighs in and names it "Alexandra Cassandra Wakefield." Because it’s Lila, I will say I like that name best.
At home, the girls snoop through Alice’s stuff. She has lots of designs for baby rooms. (It couldn’t possibly be because she’s an interior decorator!)
The next day, the girls go over to Mrs. DeVito and volunteer their services. I’m confused when Mrs. DeVito doesn’t chase them from her property, but she doesn't actually leave the girls alone with the baby so that's something. She just tries to get housework done while the girls "watch" Jenny. The baby wakes up and starts to cry. The girls freak out. Mrs. DeVito is all “she just needs to be changed” and she does that. The girls are scandalized. BABIES POOP!?! Gross. Jenny keeps crying and Mrs. DeVito says she’s just cranky that day. The twins decide babies suck.
That was fast.
Jessica starts to freak out. She says if Alice had another kid then they’d be the middle children. Everyone knows middle kids aren’t special. Sorry, middle kids, you are not Sweet Valley approved. (Although, technically, Liz is already the middle child. I don't know if that's better for your cause though, middle kids.)
Liz starts to worry that Alice really is pregnant. She thinks, What if their mother wanted another baby? What if she thought the twins were getting too old? Maybe their mother wanted a little baby to hug instead of two old girls. Oh my god! What if the twins aren’t the center of the universe anymore?!?
Finally, after sixty or so pages of speculation, Liz decides to just ask if Alice is pregnant. Seriously, you guys, the suspense is killing me. I mean, I know in high school they don’t have a baby sister, but this could be different right? The twins go into their parents room and ask.
In response, Ned laughs at them. I’m serious. He laughs in their faces. I love it. He’s so incompetent as a parent. Alice assures them the decorations are for work and the extra baby clothes are for another woman she knows.
What follows are annoying passages in which Ned and Alice assure the twins that they’re happy with the family they have and do not need anything more than the twins (and Steven, I suppose) to make them happy. Why would the Wakefields want to have more kids? Nothing could top the perfect experience of having these twins! (No, I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that.) Ugh.
(Then there are two pages of set-up for Fearless Elizabeth but mostly that’s the end.)