SVU #52: Fooling Around
Since Jessica's running after some dude who doesn't seem to be interested in her, and since Elizabeth's still Elizabeth, I'd put my money on the title of this book being extremely misleading. Although, turn the book over and the back reads, in big block letters, "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK." Odd. What's not what I think? The stupid title? I don't understand. I haven't even cracked open the book, and already they've lost me.
There's nothing particularly snarkable about the cover, either. That's Jessica, having some serious fun with Fabio's younger brother. She also appears to have too many teeth. Way too many. As in, Jaws would be jealous.
On with the snark!
Jessica is fighting with Sam. Something new and different for you all. Apparently Sam and his friend Floyd have built a pyramid out of Sam's beer can collection in the middle of the living room. Admission time: my friends and I did something similar once. But we were on Schoolies. And we were camping. Outdoors. That's is so Sam, though. I can't believe they actually expected him to act like a person. We get a bit of a catch-up paragraph -- Liz and Jess have moved into a duplex with Sam and gay Neil. They say the word 'duplex' way too much in this book. Anyway, Sam walks out without washing his dishes, and Liz walks in and immediately assumes they're Jessica's. I'd just like to point out here that Sam is pretty much the dude version of Jessica. It seems she is not a fan of the taste of her own medicine.
Jess is in art history class, and falls in love with the TA. She thinks he's a man, because he must be fully twenty-two and drop-dead gorgeous. She's thinking about how perfect his hair is when her thoughts are interrupted by some dude called Alejandro. Apparently they're friends, but I've never heard of him. Some girl joins their conversation about the mystery TA, and -- oh, motherfucker, it's Chloe. I am being very serious when I say that she is my least favourite Sweet Valley character. Seriously. She's more horrid than any of the SVH psychos, or the unnecessary Junior High or Senior Year characters...she even gives John Pfeifer a run for his money. (John Pfeifer still wins, though, because he is Satan's idea of a bad joke.) Alejandro introduces Chloe to Jessica, and thus begins Chloe's creepy obsession with her.
The TA finally gets his shit together and begins the class. His name is Tristan, and Jessica thinks it's "the perfect name for the perfect guy." I think it's a douchey name for someone who will most probably turn out to be a douchey guy, but that's just me. Also, I had a big huge crush on a guy called Tristan when I was eight. He was three years my senior, but I was in LUV. We never spoke. Anyway, Jessica has trouble paying attention due to Tristan's hotness.
Oh goody, a Chloe plotline. She reminds us readers about how she's now popular because she pretended that Tom Watts was her boyfriend. Snicker. What a stupid red-headed loser she is. Some chick called Moira hates Chloe (I think they're roommates), and Moira immediately becomes my new best friend. The girls fawn over Chloe, and she has to admit that "what was really humbling was how pathetic she felt every time she spent five hours sitting alone in a diner far off campus when everyone thought she was on a date with Tom." Ha ha, yeah, that is pathetic, Chloe. Way, way pathetic. Moira says she hasn't seen Chloe with Tom lately, and Chloe's like, "Oh, uh, well we've been hanging out in far away places and stuff. And last week we had drinks with the all-important Lila Fowler." Um, back the fuck up, Chloe. Your gross deception is freaky enough, but don't drag Lila into this. One of the girls is so impressed, she says, "Can you rub off on me?" Dirrty! Chloe basks in her own faux-awesomeness.
Dana's at home making macaroni, but doesn't want to smell like it. "Not that macaroni smelled like anything." Um, what was that paragraph all about? She's making her trusty boyfriend Todd some food, and she's trying to impress him big time. She even "whisked" on some lipstick. Yes, whisked. Her word. Dana thinks that someday she'd like to marry Todd, and in all her carried-away-ness, she forgets that she's actually cooking and burns the macaroni. Hells, that's sad. Even I can make mac and cheese, and I am culinarily retarded. (Seriously. Frozen pizza is the most ambitious dish I make.) Todd comes home and sees that Dana's upset about burning dinner, so he eats it anyway. Dana says that the reason she's upset is because they got a whole bunch of bills in the mail, and maybe they should think about cancelling the cable TV. Todd's like, "Fuck off, I'm not giving up ESPN." Wow, Todd. You'll eat burnt macaroni so your girlfriend stops crying, but when she tells you that you're both getting broke-ass poor, you can't give up your cable? Sympathy fail, Wilkins.
Sam plays loud music and drinks all of Elizabeth's milk. He then eats he sandwich. Elizabeth decides it's time for war. Again, 'war' is her word, not mine. You'd think she'd be used to behaviour like this after living with Jessica for nineteen years.
Jess and Alejandro are having coffee. Alejandro likes her and wants to ask her out, so he buys her more coffee and a brownie that's so big "it'd take her half an hour to eat it." Holy shit, that's a big-ass brownie. Are you sure that's not an actual cake, Alejandro? They talk about boring college stuff, and then just when Alejandro finally decides to ask her out, Jess is all, "By the way, do you think I should ask out Tristan the cute TA?" She worries about asking him out because he's an older guy. Yeah, Jess, by like three years, and how is this different from when you dated that professor last year? Dude was old and married to a psycho. I guess she's just trying to approach this more carefully, so Tristan doesn't go and die on her like said professor did. Alejandro contemplates giving her bad advice so she'll fail and fall back on him, but decides he likes her too much to see her miserable. He suggests that she asks Tristan to tutor her, because that's obviously worked in all the pornos he's ever seen.
Todd is driving around because Dana made him mad with all her crazy no-cable talk. These two are so gonna make it. He's gone and gotten himself lost, because if we've learned anything from the SVH books, it's that Todd Wilkins can't do anything without Elizabeth Wakefield's help. He stops at some bar called Frankie's, where they happen to be hiring. Heh. Job crisis be damned, I suppose. Some waitress gives him a job, despite the apparent handicap of him not having any sort of social or mental capabilities. Also, he doesn't have a resume. And he isn't twenty-one. All minor details.
Dana, who I think plays violin or some shit, goes to her music class and meets a girl called Becky. Wait no, Dana plays the cello. Billie the Girl was the violinist. I apologise for the mix-up, but seriously, how many SVU students feel the need to take up stringed instruments? Dana thinks Becky is a loser because she practices her cello six hours a day. The class begins, and Becky's really good. Well yeah, practising for six hours a day will do that to you. Dana's solo sucks because she's still thinking about that fucking macaroni.
Jessica goes to Tristan's office to talk tutoring, but before they can, the art history professor Dr. Devane comes in and spoils the party. Damn those professors and their dedication to their work. Jessica acts like a total brown-noser to him for some reason I can't work out. Dr. Devane could not give less of a shit what she thinks, which is kind-of awesome. She corrects herself when she calls Tristan by his first name, and then addresses him as Mr. Patterson. I find that funny, because at my university we call our tutors by their first names. And our lecturers as well. Maybe that's just crazy Australia for you.
Hey, a Nina chapter. She's angsting over her failed relationship with Bryan. We don't get much exposition into why it failed, but Nina does mention "lying, sneaking and two-timing," and I can only imagine that all of that was on Bryan's part. She gets back to her suite and complains about her "suitemate", Shondra. Ugh, that's gonna get annoying. I couldn't even stand it when Rory and Paris called each other suitemates in Gilmore Girls, and I actually liked those people. Anyway, Nina opens the door and crazy Shondra has covered everything in plastic wrap and is doing a magic spell. Sweet fancy Moses. Nina's like, "What in clear blue hell are you doing?" and Shondra's like. "I'm purifying my boyfriend's bad karma. What does it look like?" If this was a sitcom, Nina'd do the cuckoo gesture at her. Instead, she goes into her room and adds 'get the fuck away from my voodoo-practising roommate' to the top of her to-do list. Literally, not metaphorically -- she actually has a to-do list written out. She's Elizabeth's friend, right?
Jess is at home studying, and Liz is like, "Whaa?" If this was a sitcom, she'd do a double-take. Why is this not a sitcom?! Neil makes a less-than-impressive cameo, saying that Jessica's been reading all afternoon. Come on, ghostwriter. Please recognise that Neil is the only good thing left in this godforsaken series. Elizabeth thinks Jess's studying must have something to do with a guy.
Jessica's having coffee with AlexEnid, Denise and Lila. Finally, a mention of Lila! You are a sweet, merciful ghostwriter. They're talking about Jessica and Tristan, only Jess won't give them any details, I guess because dating a TA is, like, against the rules? I don't know. Buffy did it. Anyway, their conversation switches to Theta rush week, and Jess is excited that she's on the ballot to be pledge chairwoman, which sounds like a pretty shit job, but whatever makes her happy. Apparently being up for the job is some huge honour Jess never expected. Because...wait a minute, I just remembered something -- didn't her boyfriend die like six books ago? And she's not the least bit broken up about it? I know boyfriend deaths aren't exactly something new and different for her, but seriously? She's not even going to spare a thought for poor dead Nick Fox partying it up down below with Sam, Christian, Josh and Professor Miles? That's...I don't even know what that is.
Elizabeth is trying to study at home, but Sam has his friend, "who for some reason was named Bugsy," over. Hee. I find it really odd that Sam's friends are named Bugsy and Floyd. What decade do these people think we're living in? Bugsy and Floyd (and perhaps Sam, by association) have got to be mobsters of some description, I'm sure of it. Liz gets pissed when she sees all the dirty dishes in the sink, but doesn't say anything. Sam and Bugsy continue playing their video games very loudly, and then Bugsy starts talking about this hot chick he saw in his communications class. We even get her bra size -- 36D, for those of you playing at home. Elizabeth trips over Sam's stuff and lands right on top of his beer pyramid, cutting her hand. Bugsy says casually (perhaps too casually) "Man, she's bleeding everywhere," and my Bugsy-and-Floyd-are-secretly-gangsters theory is vindicated.
Thankfully, awesome Neil comes home after doing his laundry, and tries to stop the bleeding with his clean white shirt. That's fucking chivalry for you right there. Sam, take some notes or something. Neil tells her she'll need stitches, and Sam offers to take her. Liz is like. "Fuck. Off." and goes to the hospital with Neil.
Bloody Chloe's back. She's about to get to her dorm room, but stops when she hears Moira and her friends and what sounds like Tom Watts. OMG, The Tom Watts in her dorm room! Squee! What she's actually hearing is Moira playing one of Chloe's voicemail messages for all her friends to hear. It's so unbelievably awesome that you need to read it for yourselves: "Uh, listen Cody, this is Tom. I got your message...um, messages...and look, uh, thanks for the invites...and I did have a good time last week too, but um, I'm sort of seeing someone now and...it was nice to see you again after so long, so, uh, take care, Cody. Bye." Ha HA! He couldn't even remember her name! That is priceless, absolutely priceless. Chloe is so humiliated that she runs away before anyone can see her. Oh man, this book just got good.
Elizabeth gets to the hospital and nearly faints. Seriously, is she not used to hospitals by now? She blames Sam for every problem she's ever had, and Neil's like, "Yeah, but I'm missing physics now. Score!" Neil's priorities, ladies and gentlemen. I could not love him more. Oh wait, yeah I can -- he then tries to make Elizabeth see that not everyone she meets is going to live by her rules, and Liz is like, "But why the fuck not?" Neil just tells her to elevate her arm. Neil, please turn straight for me. I beg you.
Chloe is sitting in an alleyway behind the library crying her eyes out like the pathetic loser she is. Heh. She spots Jessica and thinks that if she can get Jess to be friends with her, everything will be okay. Because that is the power of Jessica Wakefield, my friends. She can turn even the most hopeless no-hopers into sorority material. Chloe meets up with her under the guise of needing art history notes or something, and fucking name-drops Lila Fowler again. Chloe, will you stop doing that already? Associating yourself with Lila is not making you look good, it's making Lila look bad. Jessica gets hella excited and says that Lila is her best friend. 'Best friend' is even italicised. That's sweet. Chloe gushes about how much she wants to be a Theta and how fantastic Jessica is. Ugh. She thinks to herself that Jessica is going to be her new best friend. Because Chloe's eight or something.
Elizabeth is still at the hospital, getting her Sam wound stitched up. The doctor finally comes in with a med student following him. The med student's name is Finn, and Elizabeth falls in love. Jaysus. The doctor asks her what happened, and she's like, "beer can." That makes her feel stupid, so she explains that her roommate has a collection of beer cans from around the world that she tripped over. Well now, that was a detail you neglected to mention earlier, Elizabeth. You gave us the impression that Sam was some redneck hoarder, not an international beer can enthusiast. I'm a bit sad she crushed all of Sam's cans now.
The doctor orders Finn to hold her hand for some reason, and Elizabeth swoons. She thinks how no guy has affected her like this since Sam had this summer. Yeah, a grand total of two books ago. What a dry spell she had. She also hilariously describes Finn as being "unjerklike", which she of course knows by the unbelievable hand-holding he's doing right now. Yes, folks, Finn gives good hand-hold. When the doctor leaves, they make awkward conversation, and Liz finds out Finn goes to SVU. She's not very good at the whole talking-to-dudes thing, though, and resolves that, "I need to learn how to flirt." I'll say, Elizabeth.
Sam is at home, worrying about Elizabeth. Aw, Sam, I used to like you. Actually, no I didn't. He laments that "maybe if she wasn't so into telling him and everyone else what they could and couldn't do, she wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place." Sigh. I hate when Elizabeth fights with Sam, because I really don't know who I should be rooting for. I think I'll just root for Bugsy and Floyd instead. He hears the door open and immediately goes to back to sitting around and not looking like he cares too much. Don't worry, it's only Jessica. She's actually taken Crazy Chloe back to her house. So now Chloe knows where she lives. Big mistake, Wakefield. Big. Also, Sam gets ten fail points because he describes Chloe as looking natural and seeming cool.
Jess goes upstairs to change, and Sam and Chloe play-argue over what to watch. Chloe literally tries to pull the remote from Sam's hands, and they end up wrestling on the couch. Take notes, Elizabeth. That's how you flirt. Elizabeth actually comes home in time to see this, and the two stop their dry-humping for a moment. Chloe actually says to Liz, "You must be Jessica's twin sister! It's amazing how identical you guys are!" As opposed to a little bit identical? That's not something that comes in halves, Chloe -- they're either identical or they're not. That's like saying, "It's amazing how dead Francisco Franco is." They make some polite chit-chat, and Chloe expresses what a birth defect really is by describing Sam as being "one of the nicest and most polite guys I've ever met," and then, after Elizabeth's gone, saying, "She and Jessica are identical looking but way different in personality." Are you fucking kidding me with this, Chloe? Why, why, WHY would you bring that shit up again? We've come a long way from hearing that in every SVH book, and you're setting the cause back ten years. Life fail, Chloe.
Dana's doing some more cello-related stuff. As if I couldn't care any less about her, they keep putting her in music class. The only thing Dana's good for is being a tenuous link to not-so-Trusty non-Boyfriend Todd. (Well, not Elizabeth's boyfriend anyway.) After class, Becky invites Dana to practice with her for a few hours, and Dana very rudely enquires as to whether or not she is kidding. Becky's all, "You don't have to be a bitch about it, Dana. I just thought you might need a bit of a practice sesh, because you're so unbelievably shit at this." Dana responds by insinuating that Becky has no life because she's a cello-head.
Jessica is about to leave her duplex when Chloe appears at the door. See, Jess, I told you it was a bad idea to let Chloe know where you live! Jess explains she has a class to get to, and Chloe's like, "Naww, too bad. Hey, maybe I can hang out with Sam!" Sam's just chillin' out in the duplex, eating a sandwich and drinking a two-litre bottle of Gatorade. I didn't even know they made those. Jessica leaves those two on their own, thinking how alike she and Chloe are. No, Jessica, please don't sell yourself short like that. You're many, many awful things, but Chloe Murphy you are not.
More Todd and Dana. Huzzah. Todd had better do something awesome soon, or I'm gonna start skipping over their chapters. Todd tries to cheer her up by comparing her music class to basketball -- he used to fuck up and let his team down sometimes too. Dana gets mad at him for no reason I can fathom, and Todd passive-aggressively calls her a crybaby. Heh. He can tell that probably wasn't the best word to use, and thinks to himself, "Am I supposed to listen and nod and tell her I understand?" Offhand? Yeah, probably. But Todd's apathy is actually a little endearing to me, for some reason. I don't know. He's getting a bit Bruce-ish in his old age, attitude-wise. I kinda dig it. Dana does not. She gets upset that he's not even listening to her, and he promises that after work he's going to make them a fantastic dinner..."And then we'll have each other for dessert." Yummy. I guess this must be the 'fooling around' the title was alluding to.
Elizabeth is sitting at home, bored, when Finn calls. He asks her out, but tells her that his whole week's booked and they can't go out until Friday. Liz lies and pretends like she's busy too, when all she's doing is sitting around hoping Nina will call her. (Where is Nina anyway? It's been a while since we heard from her.) Finn says he'll take her to a Cajun restaurant, and Liz thinks how cool it is to date a sophisticated older guy who does exciting things like eat food from a different country. Apparently the Dairi Burger had a very limited menu
.
Liz walks into the living room, no doubt to brag to Sam about her hot new doctor boyfriend, but he and Chloe are doing I-don't-want-to-know-what on the couch. They're lying down, out of view of Liz, and Chloe is giggling and saying his name. OMG teh Fooling around! Chloe sees Liz and says that she and Sam are, ahem, watching a movie. Liz fumes at how Sam must be taking advantage of the situation, and actually says that "the worst thing [she] could say about Chloe was that she seemed immature and tried too hard." Come on, Elizabeth. I'm sure if you think real hard, you can come up with something worse than that.
Todd is at work, impressing all the barmaids with his sheer manly man strength. (And they haven't even seen him punch someone yet!) Their names are Annie and Cathy, and I'm about 83% sure that it's Annie Whitman and that chick Steven used to date in the SVT books. Except for the fact that they're obviously not, but a girl can dream, can't she? Plus, Annie has curly hair and is twenty-two. What's with all the twenty-two-year-olds in this book? The staff all decide to get Chinese food and go clubbing, and Todd thinks how weird it is that he's having fun at work. They start dancing, and now Frankie's will forever remind me of the Coyote Ugly bar. I will never look at Todd quite the same way.
Todd's the one touching Piper Perabo's butt.
Jessica is getting ready for her tutoring session with Tristan. Remember him? He just kinda disappeared there for a second, but I guess he's back now. And also, he has a loveseat in his office. They talk about art for a long, long time. A really long time. I don't know what any of this has to do with anything, at all. The only thing more boring than art (in my uncultured opinion) is reading about people describing paintings that you can't even see. Jessica manages to wrangle him into another tutoring sesh, hopefully to get friendly (perhaps, Fool Around?) on the loveseat. No more art, please.
Chloe time. "If Sam didn't kiss her on the lips in the next thirty minutes, Chloe was just gonna grab him and plant one on him herself." So...what was with the couch fun before? Maybe Sam's like some sort of hooker that doesn't condone kissing on the mouth. Chloe thinks about how she needs to get Sam to be her boyfriend so all her friends will forget about the Cody thing. Chloe goes to the kitchen and finds that everything in the pantry and fridge has a Post-It with a set of initials on it. She thinks it's weird. She's right. (For once.) Nothing has the initials SB on it, though. Sam is the world's biggest waste of space.
Later on, Sam and Elizabeth argue about Chloe. She accuses him of being a creepy opportunist, and Sam's like, "the fuck are you talking about? We watch TV together sometimes." He actually says to her, "which means we haven't been in the bedroom having wild sex, now have we?" This actually gets Liz to shut up, mostly because someone said the S-word in her presence, but then Sam goes one further and tells her that she must be jealous of Chloe. Liz mentions that she's got a date with a Cajun-loving med student named Finn, and Sam laughs and says, "What's his last name, Huckleberry." I daresay you ought to reread that Twain book, Sammy Boy.
Todd comes home at a quarter to five in the morning, and Dana gets mad. Yeah, Todd! How dare you act like a regular nineteen-year-old! Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done! Dana wants to talk to him about how she's hating school (at five in the morning like a totally rational person), but he doesn't quite understand it. Believe it or not, you guys, Todd Wilkins isn't all that gung-ho about school. I know, shocker, right? The two of them spend like five pages completely missing the point of what the other's saying, and then Dana yells at him to sleep on the couch tonight. She regrets getting dressed in a sexy red negligee for their, uh, "dessert." So...the Fooling Around is really not happening at all, then. Okay. I suppose the back cover did helpfully warn me that IT'S NOT WHAT I THINK.
Liz and Jess are in the bathroom, and Liz is curling her hair to see what it'd look like. Apparently she's never curled her hair before. I suppose she's never felt the need to taint her already perfect sun-kissed blonde locks until she made a date with the doctor man. Liz tells Jess about said doctor man, and Jess immediately thinks how weird it is that Liz has found the man of her dreams and Tristan doesn't seem the least bit interested in Jess. Fear not, Jess. All you have to do is go to town on your hand with Sam's beer cans, and you can get yourself a fine hand-holding doctor man too. The conversation quickly turns to Crazy Chloe, which is strange. There was no oddly-placed segue or anything. It was literally like, "I have a date with an almost-doctor. Oh, and your weird friend Chloe ate my cereal." Jessica asks if she and Sam are "fooling around." Wait, wait, wait -- what? Are you telling me that one line is the reason they named this book Fooling Around? It had better not be. Then suddenly the twins start talking about date hair and sniffing each other's shampoo. God help society.
Jess goes to talk to that Alejandro dude again. Seriously, who is he? He tells Jess that the reason Tristan's not asking her out is because it's against his professional ethics. Jessica's like, "Wow, I never thought of that." Of course she didn't. Alejandro silently hopes that Tristan doesn't fall for Jessica, otherwise "the guy deserved an F in his job." Yeah, too bad they don't usually grade jobs, Alejandro. Why Jess couldn't be talking to Neil about all this stuff is beyond me.
Todd and Dana have been arguing all week. When Todd walks into the bedroom and sees Dana crying, he thinks, "not again!" Todd is such an asshat, but...I don't know. Maybe it's just because we had to put up with his pansy-ass behaviour in SVH where he was nothing more than Liz's lapdog, but this Todd with a 'tude thing is kinda hot. They talk for a little bit about how depressed Dana is all the time, and then Todd tells her he has to go to work. She gets angry at him again. Because it's not like they need money or anything. Todd does tell her he has ten minutes to spare before he has to start work, and they...wait for it...Fool Around! I know, right? If you get over the initial skeeziness of it all, it's actually quite heartwarming to know that after all those years of Liz not putting out for him,Todd's finally getting some.
Jess goes to visit Tristan again. They talk about some painting Jessica's brought in, and then they kiss. That's literally what happens. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. One second they're talking about art, and the next they're making out on the loveseat. I...I just...but...how...My head actually hurts.
Oh hey, Nina's back. She's trying to switch rooms to get away from her insane roommate Shondra, but to no avail. She goes home and finds that Shondra has painted all the walls black, and is about to start on Nina's room. This is a stupid subplot, and I don't see it being resolved anytime soon, so I'm just gonna go ahead and ignore it now.
Elizabeth's on her date with Finn. He tells her that he's from New Orleans, and this makes Liz think about Celine Bordeaux, whom she describes as having "the sweetest drawl -- but she was the meanest person I've ever met." As in, the Celine who conspired with a crazy neo-Klansman to have you, your then-boyfriend, and all your black friends killed? That Celine? Calling Celine 'mean' is like calling Gordon Ramsay kind-of handy around the kitchen. After dinner, Finn tells Liz that he's organised a boat ride for the both of them, but when they get to the harbour, they run into some girl called Stephanie. Stephanie, it seems, is Finn's ex-girlfriend. He just dumped her without warning and is now using all of his smooth moves on Liz. Liz is all understanding, citing her failed relationships with Tom and Todd as proof that it's fate she and Finn found each other. Ugh, Liz. You should just give up on men
forever.
Dana goes to Frankie's to spend time with Todd. At first she's all nice about it, but the second she sees hot Cathy the bartender, she gets crazy jealous and starts crying. Oh, for the love of all that's holy, Dana will you stop bloody crying? Who told you it was okay to act like that? You remind me of Mary Anne Spier.
Dana Upshaw, as imagined by hellobrisvegas.
Sam's waiting for Elizabeth to get home. When she does, she keeps calling Finn "Huckleberry" and "Dr. Cool." Sam, you need a lesson in offensive nicknames, and how. Liz snarks back that she's surprised Clingy Chloe's not here. This is all so pointless. The only reason SVU was even passable is because Bruce and Lila finally realised that they were the world's OTP, but they're not even here. They need to get in a plane crash and do some more naked fishing or something. Anything. Or maybe Bugsy and Floyd could go ahead and do some gangster shit, like pump a couple hundred rounds into Sonny Corleone's car. (Or Chloe's.)
Todd comes home late after a fun night at work again. Seriously, man, I want to work at Frankie's. I never have as much fun at my bartending job, and I also live in a country where it's not really customary to give tips. Sweet Valley, here I come. Unfortunately, Dana thinks Todd's having just a little too much fun. She accuses him of having an affair with Cathy, and he's like, "Bitch, hold on. You think I'd ask you to come to my bar and then dirty dance with a barmaid right in front of you?" Dana doesn't really know how to respond to this whole logic thing Todd's trying out, so she goes to sleep.
Jessica goes on a date with Tristan. They head off to an art gallery, and talk about art some more. Gah. Why couldn't they meet in a cool class, like Pop Culture 101 or Simpsons Appreciation? Soon enough, Jessica gets bored and asks Tristan if he wants to go with her to some hip new club club. Tristan's like, "I want to bang you and all, Jessica, but I don't actually want people to see us together." Instead they go to his office and snuggle on his loveseat. What a gentleman.
Nina and Elizabeth are having coffee, and Nina's talking about how Shondra owns spiders. Eep. Elizabeth realises that their duplex has a basement that can be converted into another bedroom...and Nina can move in. Yaysies! I predict fun times ahead. Not for Shondra, though, I guess.
In class, Jessica is blabbing to Alejandro about her date with Tristan, and her professor overhears her. He calls her into his office and very gently breaks the news that Tristan is a filthy bastard manwhore who tells undergrad girls that he'll fail them if they don't get friendly Adam- and Eve-style with him on his loveseat. Jessica's like, "But he's so gorgeous and twenty-two! How can that be?" Dr. Devane wants her to testify at Tristan's sexual harassment hearing, and Jessica thinks it'd make no sense for her to. After all, she persued him and they haven't even Fooled Aroud or anything. Dr. Devane goes into some long-winded explanation about why she needs to testify, but I can't tell you what his point is, because I understand absolutely none of it. None at all. I'd type it out for you if I wasn't afraid my head would explode due to all the idiocy. This guy should not be a doctor of anything.
Todd is at the library, avoiding Dana. He's sitting next to a geek who tells him off for chewing too loudly. We know he's a geek because Todd tells us numerous times that he's a geek. He wants to Toddpunch the geek. Unfortunately, the geek does not get Toddpunched. Lame. Who are you, Todd? And why is this scene relevant to anything?
Todd's geek, as imagined by hellobrisvegas
Jessica goes to see Tristan. He asks her what she's doing here, and Jess is like, "Look, no offence, but are you, like, a creepy almost-molester or something?" Tristan says it's all lies...but, hey, turns out that he's leaving town for some completely unrelated issue. Stealthiness fail, Tristan. That's called fleeing. Jessica ends up not knowing whether or not to believe him, but it doesn't matter anyway, because Tristan has to am-scray quicksmart before the long arm of the law embraces him. Then Jess finds Alejandro and Chloe and they have sundaes. Um, yes. I guess all is well with the world once more. Until Bugsy and Floyd go on some sort of rampage, which had better happen sooner rather than later. Now that's an SVU thriller I'd like to see.
There's nothing particularly snarkable about the cover, either. That's Jessica, having some serious fun with Fabio's younger brother. She also appears to have too many teeth. Way too many. As in, Jaws would be jealous.
On with the snark!
Jessica is fighting with Sam. Something new and different for you all. Apparently Sam and his friend Floyd have built a pyramid out of Sam's beer can collection in the middle of the living room. Admission time: my friends and I did something similar once. But we were on Schoolies. And we were camping. Outdoors. That's is so Sam, though. I can't believe they actually expected him to act like a person. We get a bit of a catch-up paragraph -- Liz and Jess have moved into a duplex with Sam and gay Neil. They say the word 'duplex' way too much in this book. Anyway, Sam walks out without washing his dishes, and Liz walks in and immediately assumes they're Jessica's. I'd just like to point out here that Sam is pretty much the dude version of Jessica. It seems she is not a fan of the taste of her own medicine.
Jess is in art history class, and falls in love with the TA. She thinks he's a man, because he must be fully twenty-two and drop-dead gorgeous. She's thinking about how perfect his hair is when her thoughts are interrupted by some dude called Alejandro. Apparently they're friends, but I've never heard of him. Some girl joins their conversation about the mystery TA, and -- oh, motherfucker, it's Chloe. I am being very serious when I say that she is my least favourite Sweet Valley character. Seriously. She's more horrid than any of the SVH psychos, or the unnecessary Junior High or Senior Year characters...she even gives John Pfeifer a run for his money. (John Pfeifer still wins, though, because he is Satan's idea of a bad joke.) Alejandro introduces Chloe to Jessica, and thus begins Chloe's creepy obsession with her.
The TA finally gets his shit together and begins the class. His name is Tristan, and Jessica thinks it's "the perfect name for the perfect guy." I think it's a douchey name for someone who will most probably turn out to be a douchey guy, but that's just me. Also, I had a big huge crush on a guy called Tristan when I was eight. He was three years my senior, but I was in LUV. We never spoke. Anyway, Jessica has trouble paying attention due to Tristan's hotness.
Oh goody, a Chloe plotline. She reminds us readers about how she's now popular because she pretended that Tom Watts was her boyfriend. Snicker. What a stupid red-headed loser she is. Some chick called Moira hates Chloe (I think they're roommates), and Moira immediately becomes my new best friend. The girls fawn over Chloe, and she has to admit that "what was really humbling was how pathetic she felt every time she spent five hours sitting alone in a diner far off campus when everyone thought she was on a date with Tom." Ha ha, yeah, that is pathetic, Chloe. Way, way pathetic. Moira says she hasn't seen Chloe with Tom lately, and Chloe's like, "Oh, uh, well we've been hanging out in far away places and stuff. And last week we had drinks with the all-important Lila Fowler." Um, back the fuck up, Chloe. Your gross deception is freaky enough, but don't drag Lila into this. One of the girls is so impressed, she says, "Can you rub off on me?" Dirrty! Chloe basks in her own faux-awesomeness.
Dana's at home making macaroni, but doesn't want to smell like it. "Not that macaroni smelled like anything." Um, what was that paragraph all about? She's making her trusty boyfriend Todd some food, and she's trying to impress him big time. She even "whisked" on some lipstick. Yes, whisked. Her word. Dana thinks that someday she'd like to marry Todd, and in all her carried-away-ness, she forgets that she's actually cooking and burns the macaroni. Hells, that's sad. Even I can make mac and cheese, and I am culinarily retarded. (Seriously. Frozen pizza is the most ambitious dish I make.) Todd comes home and sees that Dana's upset about burning dinner, so he eats it anyway. Dana says that the reason she's upset is because they got a whole bunch of bills in the mail, and maybe they should think about cancelling the cable TV. Todd's like, "Fuck off, I'm not giving up ESPN." Wow, Todd. You'll eat burnt macaroni so your girlfriend stops crying, but when she tells you that you're both getting broke-ass poor, you can't give up your cable? Sympathy fail, Wilkins.
Sam plays loud music and drinks all of Elizabeth's milk. He then eats he sandwich. Elizabeth decides it's time for war. Again, 'war' is her word, not mine. You'd think she'd be used to behaviour like this after living with Jessica for nineteen years.
Jess and Alejandro are having coffee. Alejandro likes her and wants to ask her out, so he buys her more coffee and a brownie that's so big "it'd take her half an hour to eat it." Holy shit, that's a big-ass brownie. Are you sure that's not an actual cake, Alejandro? They talk about boring college stuff, and then just when Alejandro finally decides to ask her out, Jess is all, "By the way, do you think I should ask out Tristan the cute TA?" She worries about asking him out because he's an older guy. Yeah, Jess, by like three years, and how is this different from when you dated that professor last year? Dude was old and married to a psycho. I guess she's just trying to approach this more carefully, so Tristan doesn't go and die on her like said professor did. Alejandro contemplates giving her bad advice so she'll fail and fall back on him, but decides he likes her too much to see her miserable. He suggests that she asks Tristan to tutor her, because that's obviously worked in all the pornos he's ever seen.
Todd is driving around because Dana made him mad with all her crazy no-cable talk. These two are so gonna make it. He's gone and gotten himself lost, because if we've learned anything from the SVH books, it's that Todd Wilkins can't do anything without Elizabeth Wakefield's help. He stops at some bar called Frankie's, where they happen to be hiring. Heh. Job crisis be damned, I suppose. Some waitress gives him a job, despite the apparent handicap of him not having any sort of social or mental capabilities. Also, he doesn't have a resume. And he isn't twenty-one. All minor details.
Dana, who I think plays violin or some shit, goes to her music class and meets a girl called Becky. Wait no, Dana plays the cello. Billie the Girl was the violinist. I apologise for the mix-up, but seriously, how many SVU students feel the need to take up stringed instruments? Dana thinks Becky is a loser because she practices her cello six hours a day. The class begins, and Becky's really good. Well yeah, practising for six hours a day will do that to you. Dana's solo sucks because she's still thinking about that fucking macaroni.
Jessica goes to Tristan's office to talk tutoring, but before they can, the art history professor Dr. Devane comes in and spoils the party. Damn those professors and their dedication to their work. Jessica acts like a total brown-noser to him for some reason I can't work out. Dr. Devane could not give less of a shit what she thinks, which is kind-of awesome. She corrects herself when she calls Tristan by his first name, and then addresses him as Mr. Patterson. I find that funny, because at my university we call our tutors by their first names. And our lecturers as well. Maybe that's just crazy Australia for you.
Hey, a Nina chapter. She's angsting over her failed relationship with Bryan. We don't get much exposition into why it failed, but Nina does mention "lying, sneaking and two-timing," and I can only imagine that all of that was on Bryan's part. She gets back to her suite and complains about her "suitemate", Shondra. Ugh, that's gonna get annoying. I couldn't even stand it when Rory and Paris called each other suitemates in Gilmore Girls, and I actually liked those people. Anyway, Nina opens the door and crazy Shondra has covered everything in plastic wrap and is doing a magic spell. Sweet fancy Moses. Nina's like, "What in clear blue hell are you doing?" and Shondra's like. "I'm purifying my boyfriend's bad karma. What does it look like?" If this was a sitcom, Nina'd do the cuckoo gesture at her. Instead, she goes into her room and adds 'get the fuck away from my voodoo-practising roommate' to the top of her to-do list. Literally, not metaphorically -- she actually has a to-do list written out. She's Elizabeth's friend, right?
Jess is at home studying, and Liz is like, "Whaa?" If this was a sitcom, she'd do a double-take. Why is this not a sitcom?! Neil makes a less-than-impressive cameo, saying that Jessica's been reading all afternoon. Come on, ghostwriter. Please recognise that Neil is the only good thing left in this godforsaken series. Elizabeth thinks Jess's studying must have something to do with a guy.
Jessica's having coffee with AlexEnid, Denise and Lila. Finally, a mention of Lila! You are a sweet, merciful ghostwriter. They're talking about Jessica and Tristan, only Jess won't give them any details, I guess because dating a TA is, like, against the rules? I don't know. Buffy did it. Anyway, their conversation switches to Theta rush week, and Jess is excited that she's on the ballot to be pledge chairwoman, which sounds like a pretty shit job, but whatever makes her happy. Apparently being up for the job is some huge honour Jess never expected. Because...wait a minute, I just remembered something -- didn't her boyfriend die like six books ago? And she's not the least bit broken up about it? I know boyfriend deaths aren't exactly something new and different for her, but seriously? She's not even going to spare a thought for poor dead Nick Fox partying it up down below with Sam, Christian, Josh and Professor Miles? That's...I don't even know what that is.
Elizabeth is trying to study at home, but Sam has his friend, "who for some reason was named Bugsy," over. Hee. I find it really odd that Sam's friends are named Bugsy and Floyd. What decade do these people think we're living in? Bugsy and Floyd (and perhaps Sam, by association) have got to be mobsters of some description, I'm sure of it. Liz gets pissed when she sees all the dirty dishes in the sink, but doesn't say anything. Sam and Bugsy continue playing their video games very loudly, and then Bugsy starts talking about this hot chick he saw in his communications class. We even get her bra size -- 36D, for those of you playing at home. Elizabeth trips over Sam's stuff and lands right on top of his beer pyramid, cutting her hand. Bugsy says casually (perhaps too casually) "Man, she's bleeding everywhere," and my Bugsy-and-Floyd-are-secretly-gangsters theory is vindicated.
Thankfully, awesome Neil comes home after doing his laundry, and tries to stop the bleeding with his clean white shirt. That's fucking chivalry for you right there. Sam, take some notes or something. Neil tells her she'll need stitches, and Sam offers to take her. Liz is like. "Fuck. Off." and goes to the hospital with Neil.
Bloody Chloe's back. She's about to get to her dorm room, but stops when she hears Moira and her friends and what sounds like Tom Watts. OMG, The Tom Watts in her dorm room! Squee! What she's actually hearing is Moira playing one of Chloe's voicemail messages for all her friends to hear. It's so unbelievably awesome that you need to read it for yourselves: "Uh, listen Cody, this is Tom. I got your message...um, messages...and look, uh, thanks for the invites...and I did have a good time last week too, but um, I'm sort of seeing someone now and...it was nice to see you again after so long, so, uh, take care, Cody. Bye." Ha HA! He couldn't even remember her name! That is priceless, absolutely priceless. Chloe is so humiliated that she runs away before anyone can see her. Oh man, this book just got good.
Elizabeth gets to the hospital and nearly faints. Seriously, is she not used to hospitals by now? She blames Sam for every problem she's ever had, and Neil's like, "Yeah, but I'm missing physics now. Score!" Neil's priorities, ladies and gentlemen. I could not love him more. Oh wait, yeah I can -- he then tries to make Elizabeth see that not everyone she meets is going to live by her rules, and Liz is like, "But why the fuck not?" Neil just tells her to elevate her arm. Neil, please turn straight for me. I beg you.
Chloe is sitting in an alleyway behind the library crying her eyes out like the pathetic loser she is. Heh. She spots Jessica and thinks that if she can get Jess to be friends with her, everything will be okay. Because that is the power of Jessica Wakefield, my friends. She can turn even the most hopeless no-hopers into sorority material. Chloe meets up with her under the guise of needing art history notes or something, and fucking name-drops Lila Fowler again. Chloe, will you stop doing that already? Associating yourself with Lila is not making you look good, it's making Lila look bad. Jessica gets hella excited and says that Lila is her best friend. 'Best friend' is even italicised. That's sweet. Chloe gushes about how much she wants to be a Theta and how fantastic Jessica is. Ugh. She thinks to herself that Jessica is going to be her new best friend. Because Chloe's eight or something.
Elizabeth is still at the hospital, getting her Sam wound stitched up. The doctor finally comes in with a med student following him. The med student's name is Finn, and Elizabeth falls in love. Jaysus. The doctor asks her what happened, and she's like, "beer can." That makes her feel stupid, so she explains that her roommate has a collection of beer cans from around the world that she tripped over. Well now, that was a detail you neglected to mention earlier, Elizabeth. You gave us the impression that Sam was some redneck hoarder, not an international beer can enthusiast. I'm a bit sad she crushed all of Sam's cans now.
The doctor orders Finn to hold her hand for some reason, and Elizabeth swoons. She thinks how no guy has affected her like this since Sam had this summer. Yeah, a grand total of two books ago. What a dry spell she had. She also hilariously describes Finn as being "unjerklike", which she of course knows by the unbelievable hand-holding he's doing right now. Yes, folks, Finn gives good hand-hold. When the doctor leaves, they make awkward conversation, and Liz finds out Finn goes to SVU. She's not very good at the whole talking-to-dudes thing, though, and resolves that, "I need to learn how to flirt." I'll say, Elizabeth.
Sam is at home, worrying about Elizabeth. Aw, Sam, I used to like you. Actually, no I didn't. He laments that "maybe if she wasn't so into telling him and everyone else what they could and couldn't do, she wouldn't have gotten hurt in the first place." Sigh. I hate when Elizabeth fights with Sam, because I really don't know who I should be rooting for. I think I'll just root for Bugsy and Floyd instead. He hears the door open and immediately goes to back to sitting around and not looking like he cares too much. Don't worry, it's only Jessica. She's actually taken Crazy Chloe back to her house. So now Chloe knows where she lives. Big mistake, Wakefield. Big. Also, Sam gets ten fail points because he describes Chloe as looking natural and seeming cool.
Jess goes upstairs to change, and Sam and Chloe play-argue over what to watch. Chloe literally tries to pull the remote from Sam's hands, and they end up wrestling on the couch. Take notes, Elizabeth. That's how you flirt. Elizabeth actually comes home in time to see this, and the two stop their dry-humping for a moment. Chloe actually says to Liz, "You must be Jessica's twin sister! It's amazing how identical you guys are!" As opposed to a little bit identical? That's not something that comes in halves, Chloe -- they're either identical or they're not. That's like saying, "It's amazing how dead Francisco Franco is." They make some polite chit-chat, and Chloe expresses what a birth defect really is by describing Sam as being "one of the nicest and most polite guys I've ever met," and then, after Elizabeth's gone, saying, "She and Jessica are identical looking but way different in personality." Are you fucking kidding me with this, Chloe? Why, why, WHY would you bring that shit up again? We've come a long way from hearing that in every SVH book, and you're setting the cause back ten years. Life fail, Chloe.
Dana's doing some more cello-related stuff. As if I couldn't care any less about her, they keep putting her in music class. The only thing Dana's good for is being a tenuous link to not-so-Trusty non-Boyfriend Todd. (Well, not Elizabeth's boyfriend anyway.) After class, Becky invites Dana to practice with her for a few hours, and Dana very rudely enquires as to whether or not she is kidding. Becky's all, "You don't have to be a bitch about it, Dana. I just thought you might need a bit of a practice sesh, because you're so unbelievably shit at this." Dana responds by insinuating that Becky has no life because she's a cello-head.
Jessica is about to leave her duplex when Chloe appears at the door. See, Jess, I told you it was a bad idea to let Chloe know where you live! Jess explains she has a class to get to, and Chloe's like, "Naww, too bad. Hey, maybe I can hang out with Sam!" Sam's just chillin' out in the duplex, eating a sandwich and drinking a two-litre bottle of Gatorade. I didn't even know they made those. Jessica leaves those two on their own, thinking how alike she and Chloe are. No, Jessica, please don't sell yourself short like that. You're many, many awful things, but Chloe Murphy you are not.
More Todd and Dana. Huzzah. Todd had better do something awesome soon, or I'm gonna start skipping over their chapters. Todd tries to cheer her up by comparing her music class to basketball -- he used to fuck up and let his team down sometimes too. Dana gets mad at him for no reason I can fathom, and Todd passive-aggressively calls her a crybaby. Heh. He can tell that probably wasn't the best word to use, and thinks to himself, "Am I supposed to listen and nod and tell her I understand?" Offhand? Yeah, probably. But Todd's apathy is actually a little endearing to me, for some reason. I don't know. He's getting a bit Bruce-ish in his old age, attitude-wise. I kinda dig it. Dana does not. She gets upset that he's not even listening to her, and he promises that after work he's going to make them a fantastic dinner..."And then we'll have each other for dessert." Yummy. I guess this must be the 'fooling around' the title was alluding to.
Elizabeth is sitting at home, bored, when Finn calls. He asks her out, but tells her that his whole week's booked and they can't go out until Friday. Liz lies and pretends like she's busy too, when all she's doing is sitting around hoping Nina will call her. (Where is Nina anyway? It's been a while since we heard from her.) Finn says he'll take her to a Cajun restaurant, and Liz thinks how cool it is to date a sophisticated older guy who does exciting things like eat food from a different country. Apparently the Dairi Burger had a very limited menu
.
Liz walks into the living room, no doubt to brag to Sam about her hot new doctor boyfriend, but he and Chloe are doing I-don't-want-to-know-what on the couch. They're lying down, out of view of Liz, and Chloe is giggling and saying his name. OMG teh Fooling around! Chloe sees Liz and says that she and Sam are, ahem, watching a movie. Liz fumes at how Sam must be taking advantage of the situation, and actually says that "the worst thing [she] could say about Chloe was that she seemed immature and tried too hard." Come on, Elizabeth. I'm sure if you think real hard, you can come up with something worse than that.
Todd is at work, impressing all the barmaids with his sheer manly man strength. (And they haven't even seen him punch someone yet!) Their names are Annie and Cathy, and I'm about 83% sure that it's Annie Whitman and that chick Steven used to date in the SVT books. Except for the fact that they're obviously not, but a girl can dream, can't she? Plus, Annie has curly hair and is twenty-two. What's with all the twenty-two-year-olds in this book? The staff all decide to get Chinese food and go clubbing, and Todd thinks how weird it is that he's having fun at work. They start dancing, and now Frankie's will forever remind me of the Coyote Ugly bar. I will never look at Todd quite the same way.
Todd's the one touching Piper Perabo's butt.
Jessica is getting ready for her tutoring session with Tristan. Remember him? He just kinda disappeared there for a second, but I guess he's back now. And also, he has a loveseat in his office. They talk about art for a long, long time. A really long time. I don't know what any of this has to do with anything, at all. The only thing more boring than art (in my uncultured opinion) is reading about people describing paintings that you can't even see. Jessica manages to wrangle him into another tutoring sesh, hopefully to get friendly (perhaps, Fool Around?) on the loveseat. No more art, please.
Chloe time. "If Sam didn't kiss her on the lips in the next thirty minutes, Chloe was just gonna grab him and plant one on him herself." So...what was with the couch fun before? Maybe Sam's like some sort of hooker that doesn't condone kissing on the mouth. Chloe thinks about how she needs to get Sam to be her boyfriend so all her friends will forget about the Cody thing. Chloe goes to the kitchen and finds that everything in the pantry and fridge has a Post-It with a set of initials on it. She thinks it's weird. She's right. (For once.) Nothing has the initials SB on it, though. Sam is the world's biggest waste of space.
Later on, Sam and Elizabeth argue about Chloe. She accuses him of being a creepy opportunist, and Sam's like, "the fuck are you talking about? We watch TV together sometimes." He actually says to her, "which means we haven't been in the bedroom having wild sex, now have we?" This actually gets Liz to shut up, mostly because someone said the S-word in her presence, but then Sam goes one further and tells her that she must be jealous of Chloe. Liz mentions that she's got a date with a Cajun-loving med student named Finn, and Sam laughs and says, "What's his last name, Huckleberry." I daresay you ought to reread that Twain book, Sammy Boy.
Todd comes home at a quarter to five in the morning, and Dana gets mad. Yeah, Todd! How dare you act like a regular nineteen-year-old! Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done! Dana wants to talk to him about how she's hating school (at five in the morning like a totally rational person), but he doesn't quite understand it. Believe it or not, you guys, Todd Wilkins isn't all that gung-ho about school. I know, shocker, right? The two of them spend like five pages completely missing the point of what the other's saying, and then Dana yells at him to sleep on the couch tonight. She regrets getting dressed in a sexy red negligee for their, uh, "dessert." So...the Fooling Around is really not happening at all, then. Okay. I suppose the back cover did helpfully warn me that IT'S NOT WHAT I THINK.
Liz and Jess are in the bathroom, and Liz is curling her hair to see what it'd look like. Apparently she's never curled her hair before. I suppose she's never felt the need to taint her already perfect sun-kissed blonde locks until she made a date with the doctor man. Liz tells Jess about said doctor man, and Jess immediately thinks how weird it is that Liz has found the man of her dreams and Tristan doesn't seem the least bit interested in Jess. Fear not, Jess. All you have to do is go to town on your hand with Sam's beer cans, and you can get yourself a fine hand-holding doctor man too. The conversation quickly turns to Crazy Chloe, which is strange. There was no oddly-placed segue or anything. It was literally like, "I have a date with an almost-doctor. Oh, and your weird friend Chloe ate my cereal." Jessica asks if she and Sam are "fooling around." Wait, wait, wait -- what? Are you telling me that one line is the reason they named this book Fooling Around? It had better not be. Then suddenly the twins start talking about date hair and sniffing each other's shampoo. God help society.
Jess goes to talk to that Alejandro dude again. Seriously, who is he? He tells Jess that the reason Tristan's not asking her out is because it's against his professional ethics. Jessica's like, "Wow, I never thought of that." Of course she didn't. Alejandro silently hopes that Tristan doesn't fall for Jessica, otherwise "the guy deserved an F in his job." Yeah, too bad they don't usually grade jobs, Alejandro. Why Jess couldn't be talking to Neil about all this stuff is beyond me.
Todd and Dana have been arguing all week. When Todd walks into the bedroom and sees Dana crying, he thinks, "not again!" Todd is such an asshat, but...I don't know. Maybe it's just because we had to put up with his pansy-ass behaviour in SVH where he was nothing more than Liz's lapdog, but this Todd with a 'tude thing is kinda hot. They talk for a little bit about how depressed Dana is all the time, and then Todd tells her he has to go to work. She gets angry at him again. Because it's not like they need money or anything. Todd does tell her he has ten minutes to spare before he has to start work, and they...wait for it...Fool Around! I know, right? If you get over the initial skeeziness of it all, it's actually quite heartwarming to know that after all those years of Liz not putting out for him,Todd's finally getting some.
Jess goes to visit Tristan again. They talk about some painting Jessica's brought in, and then they kiss. That's literally what happens. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. One second they're talking about art, and the next they're making out on the loveseat. I...I just...but...how...My head actually hurts.
Oh hey, Nina's back. She's trying to switch rooms to get away from her insane roommate Shondra, but to no avail. She goes home and finds that Shondra has painted all the walls black, and is about to start on Nina's room. This is a stupid subplot, and I don't see it being resolved anytime soon, so I'm just gonna go ahead and ignore it now.
Elizabeth's on her date with Finn. He tells her that he's from New Orleans, and this makes Liz think about Celine Bordeaux, whom she describes as having "the sweetest drawl -- but she was the meanest person I've ever met." As in, the Celine who conspired with a crazy neo-Klansman to have you, your then-boyfriend, and all your black friends killed? That Celine? Calling Celine 'mean' is like calling Gordon Ramsay kind-of handy around the kitchen. After dinner, Finn tells Liz that he's organised a boat ride for the both of them, but when they get to the harbour, they run into some girl called Stephanie. Stephanie, it seems, is Finn's ex-girlfriend. He just dumped her without warning and is now using all of his smooth moves on Liz. Liz is all understanding, citing her failed relationships with Tom and Todd as proof that it's fate she and Finn found each other. Ugh, Liz. You should just give up on men
forever.
Dana goes to Frankie's to spend time with Todd. At first she's all nice about it, but the second she sees hot Cathy the bartender, she gets crazy jealous and starts crying. Oh, for the love of all that's holy, Dana will you stop bloody crying? Who told you it was okay to act like that? You remind me of Mary Anne Spier.
Dana Upshaw, as imagined by hellobrisvegas.
Sam's waiting for Elizabeth to get home. When she does, she keeps calling Finn "Huckleberry" and "Dr. Cool." Sam, you need a lesson in offensive nicknames, and how. Liz snarks back that she's surprised Clingy Chloe's not here. This is all so pointless. The only reason SVU was even passable is because Bruce and Lila finally realised that they were the world's OTP, but they're not even here. They need to get in a plane crash and do some more naked fishing or something. Anything. Or maybe Bugsy and Floyd could go ahead and do some gangster shit, like pump a couple hundred rounds into Sonny Corleone's car. (Or Chloe's.)
Todd comes home late after a fun night at work again. Seriously, man, I want to work at Frankie's. I never have as much fun at my bartending job, and I also live in a country where it's not really customary to give tips. Sweet Valley, here I come. Unfortunately, Dana thinks Todd's having just a little too much fun. She accuses him of having an affair with Cathy, and he's like, "Bitch, hold on. You think I'd ask you to come to my bar and then dirty dance with a barmaid right in front of you?" Dana doesn't really know how to respond to this whole logic thing Todd's trying out, so she goes to sleep.
Jessica goes on a date with Tristan. They head off to an art gallery, and talk about art some more. Gah. Why couldn't they meet in a cool class, like Pop Culture 101 or Simpsons Appreciation? Soon enough, Jessica gets bored and asks Tristan if he wants to go with her to some hip new club club. Tristan's like, "I want to bang you and all, Jessica, but I don't actually want people to see us together." Instead they go to his office and snuggle on his loveseat. What a gentleman.
Nina and Elizabeth are having coffee, and Nina's talking about how Shondra owns spiders. Eep. Elizabeth realises that their duplex has a basement that can be converted into another bedroom...and Nina can move in. Yaysies! I predict fun times ahead. Not for Shondra, though, I guess.
In class, Jessica is blabbing to Alejandro about her date with Tristan, and her professor overhears her. He calls her into his office and very gently breaks the news that Tristan is a filthy bastard manwhore who tells undergrad girls that he'll fail them if they don't get friendly Adam- and Eve-style with him on his loveseat. Jessica's like, "But he's so gorgeous and twenty-two! How can that be?" Dr. Devane wants her to testify at Tristan's sexual harassment hearing, and Jessica thinks it'd make no sense for her to. After all, she persued him and they haven't even Fooled Aroud or anything. Dr. Devane goes into some long-winded explanation about why she needs to testify, but I can't tell you what his point is, because I understand absolutely none of it. None at all. I'd type it out for you if I wasn't afraid my head would explode due to all the idiocy. This guy should not be a doctor of anything.
Todd is at the library, avoiding Dana. He's sitting next to a geek who tells him off for chewing too loudly. We know he's a geek because Todd tells us numerous times that he's a geek. He wants to Toddpunch the geek. Unfortunately, the geek does not get Toddpunched. Lame. Who are you, Todd? And why is this scene relevant to anything?
Todd's geek, as imagined by hellobrisvegas
Jessica goes to see Tristan. He asks her what she's doing here, and Jess is like, "Look, no offence, but are you, like, a creepy almost-molester or something?" Tristan says it's all lies...but, hey, turns out that he's leaving town for some completely unrelated issue. Stealthiness fail, Tristan. That's called fleeing. Jessica ends up not knowing whether or not to believe him, but it doesn't matter anyway, because Tristan has to am-scray quicksmart before the long arm of the law embraces him. Then Jess finds Alejandro and Chloe and they have sundaes. Um, yes. I guess all is well with the world once more. Until Bugsy and Floyd go on some sort of rampage, which had better happen sooner rather than later. Now that's an SVU thriller I'd like to see.