Sweet Valley University #41: Escape to New York
NOTE: This recap is the greatest accomplishment in the history of my life. Why, you ask? See, nearly a year ago I recapped the first book in this series. As the second was already recapped, I wanted to finish off the trilogy with this book, so I purchased it on Amazon. Then I moved, and I promptly lost it. It was devastating. I blamed the movers. (Incorrectly, it turned out. Lo siento, movers.) I hunted all over my room. I searched the common rooms. The office. I have bookshelves in this apartment that I have memorized because I kept convincing myself it was on there somewhere and I just hadn’t looked hard enough. I looked everywhere. Or I thought I looked everywhere. Until today, when I searched my sister’s room. THAT’S RIGHT. My identical twin sister hid my book away in her nightstand! (Or maybe I only think she’s my identical twin sister. Maybe she’s really an evil doppelganger. Possibilities!) Who would jack someone’s Sweet Valley stash?!? ONLY A SOCIOPATH! So, obviously, this is great. After 28 years of her never doing anything remotely Jessica-like to me, she’s finally come through! :D
HURRAY!
SVU #41: Escape to New York
No, this isn’t the Snake Plissken/Liz Wakefield crossover you’ve all been dying for. It’s the third and final book in the New York Summer Break series. Last week(*ha!) I did a recap of the first book in that series and I was asked to do the third one. Ask and ye shall receive!
I gotta say that this cover makes me really, really sad, you guys. I didn’t even know Fozzie Bear had died. To find out now that Jessica killed him and used his fur for a coat... I don’t know. I’m really bummed. I might not be able to snark well on this one. Maybe we ought to have a wake? Or donate money to some save the Muppets-type cause. Aren’t Fozzie Bears endangered? She should be put in jail or at least fined for that.
Jessica is in NYC, having escaped the FSSA security training. She’s excited to be having dinner with “famous” actor Vince Klee, oh, and her sister and Tom too. So she tries to seduce him with talk of how dangerous” she is. (She is saying it in the, “I’m hot and exciting way” not the truthful “If you date me, you’ll probably die” way ) Liz pipes up and says, “Hey weren’t you scared for your life last time you called?” Now she’s cockblocking Tom and Jessica.
Liz thinks she can tell with her magic twin powers (TM Wakefields) that something is wrong with Jessica. You know what’s wrong with Jessica, Liz? She’s trying to put the moves on a hot actor and you’re shutting her down at every turn! You know there is nothing more important than rich, famous guys to Jessica.
Vince suggests Jessica try out for the PhoebeLiz role in Liz’s play. (You’ll recall that the actress, Hildy, quit Liz's play in favor of another student piece, in the previous book because the play was so stupid.) Jessica demurs and says that she’s just so wiped after that boxing match with Pruitt. She just wants to shop and shop and party. Okay, now I’m worried about Jessica. I mean, the old Jessica could shop, party, pick up a guy, and act all at the same time. What kind of Jessica Wakefield doesn’t want to be on stage? With people LOOKING at her? The only reason I can come up with is that she doesn’t want to do Liz’s play because she bets it’ll be boring as all get out.
Tom is jealous of Vince, for some reason. Let it go, Tom. Even if he tried to get in Liz’s pants, she’s not going to sleep with him. Tom berates himself and thinks that Liz isn’t the type to cheat on him with Vince. This makes me laugh out loud. I love that everyone is all “Liz would never cheat” despite all evidence to the contrary.
Tish makes a bed for Jessica in her living room. This is possibly because I am looking for a new apartment in New York(*when I first started recapping), but I am suddenly very jealous that Tish can afford an apartment big enough to fit three random strangers, without ever having to really work. Jessica muses about Tish’s New Age lifestyle and is glad she wasn’t born in the sixties because she doesn’t think they had hair dryers back then. Yes, they did.
Jessica can’t sleep so she goes to Liz’s bedroom. I half expect Liz to say Jessica can’t sleep with her either, but she allows her in to talk. Jess recaps the FSSA debacle for Liz and Liz thinks “Jessica’s civil rights were violated.” ...? WHAT? No, seriously, what? I don’t even know what to say to that. Except, “Hey! Someone get Al Shaprton on the phone. Someone made a rich white girl do work!” I’m sure he’ll come right over.
Ted, the dramaturgist, tells Liz that they will never be able to get a replacement for Hildy on such short notice. It’s Monday. The play is on [Saturday]. I love that in Sweet Valley-New York, only Jessica can save Liz now! It’s not like there are a million unemployed actresses in the city.
The show Tease-n-Tell (which Tom was working at last book. He has since quit.) airs its piece on the fellowship plays. It focuses all on the nakedness in Claire's play. Liz cannot believe that goth!girl Claire is excited to see her play spoken about on TV. Because... publicity is bad? I don’t know. It’s not like they are saying the actors are naked when they aren’t. Liz cannot even watch the (presumably censored) naked people on TV. She is such a prude, y’all.
Jessica spends the day sightseeing in New York with Vince. It’s all happy-schmappy until the TV piece airs while they are walking by a big TV store. People start pointing and saying, “It’s him!” and “It’s an abomination!” This scene feels all wrong to me. Firstly, I would say the New Yorkers wouldn’t care. People can walk down the street naked here and not get a second glance. Some people have made a living at it. New Yorkers would just be like, “Get out of my way, nudist! I have to get my bagel!” And even if some odd lady did disapprove of nakedness, then she probably shouldn’t be in Museum Mile looking at art.
While Tom is watching the piece (he is horrified to hear them say Elizabeth’s name in conjunction with the “filth”), he gets a random phone call from NYC Slick magazine. The man tells him the magazine covers New York indie theater. Ha! I thought from the name it was some kind of porn thing. They randomly offer Tom a job. Because that’s how it works for Sweet Valley citizens. You don’t have to apply for jobs-they just find you.
Back at the theater, no one but Liz is upset about the Tease-n-Tell segment. They all seem to think it’ll put butts in the seats, but Liz calls it selling out. Then she goes to Ted’s office and finds out that now that they’ve been on TV, there are actresses willing to play PhoebeLiz in Liz’s crappy play! How quickly her morals change! Now Liz refers to the TV piece as “a blessing in disguise.” Liz is such a hypocrite; I don’t even know what to say.
Jessica and Vince (I keep writing Nick, but it’s Vince, SELF!) escaped to the Carnegie Deli. The New Yorker in me is like, “Weren’t they just at the Met?! How’d they get to 7th so quickly! Teleport?! And who goes to Carnegie Deli to escape crowds?! NO SENSE! But I digress, they order extremely large sandwiches and banter about how Jessica’s is “too big” to “get her mouth around.” I start to wonder if the ghostwriter is inserting double entendres in to this book for laughs. Then he dares her to do it and promises to “take her out” if she does. Everyone is having sex but Liz.
Tom thinks Liz is going to break up with him over the Tease-n-Tell piece. He flinches when she comes home. I swear he’s like a battered spouse. Luckily, Liz is in a good mood because the sudden actress windfall and Tom breathes a sigh of relief. Tom’s nervous about the NYC Slick position. He doesn’t know anything about theater and doesn’t think he’d be good at it. It’s a fucking summer job, Tom, suck it up. Vince, Jessica and Liz all agree to teach him how to use big word and sound pompous so he’ll fit right in. There is a “comedic” scene of them making up stuff and teaching Tom to act like the stuck-up snobs that wrote plays for the Fellowship thing with Liz. Wow, this ghostwriter really hates avant-garde theater. I like making fun of pretentious people as much as the next girl (see: everything I’ve ever written about Liz), but did Samuel Beckett rape her mother or something?
That night, Jessica wants to go out clubbing but Liz says it’s too late. It’s ten o’clock. I don’t think clubs open that early. Jessica rightly makes fun of her for being an old lady. Then Vince takes her to a string of odd clubs. There are people with piercings there. At one, everyone is dressed up like babies. That’s... wrong. Ghostwriter, I don’t need to know about your weird fetishes, thanks. They dance all night until Jessica passes out from exhaustion.
Guess what Liz and Tom do while Jess and Vince are out having fun? They stay home and not have sex! That night, Liz dreams Jessica collapses from exhaustion (thanks, magic Wakefield powers!). But I think the real message to take home is this: She’s not even dreaming about you, Tom, that’s how little action you’re getting.
The next day, Tom interviews for the NYC Slick job and gets it, of course. They want him to cover Liz’s play, of course. Meanwhile, Liz auditions potential PhoebeLizs. She finds out that most of them only wanted to audition because they wanted to see naked Vince Klee and she’s disappointed. Honestly, Liz, no one would want to be in your play otherwise so be grateful. She and Jessica are supposed to have fun shopping in the afternoon, but when she finds out Jessica passed out the night before, all she does is lecture Jessica through all the sample-sales. You know, if you stopped talking for one minute and just took her to get a massage or her nails done, it’d solve everyone’s problems, Liz.
Liz and Jessica make fun of the New York designers. Apparently one dress looks like someone killed Big Bird for the feathers. I'm a bit startled by this scene, given my comments about Jessica’s coat on the cover. I don’t want you to think I plagiarized; I wrote that before I lost the book. But it’s giving me a complex. Am I only as witty as the ghostwriters? Is my shtick as lame as the teaching Tom to be hip scene? SIGH. Anyway, the ghostwriter actually mentions and orange fur coat and silver pants. I’m shocked--shocked--that whoever worked on the cover actually read this thing. I think that’s a first. You can bet James Mathewuse never touched one of these books with a 10-foot pole.
Liz goes back to the theater and finds out the only actress that stayed for a callback is Marie Muldman, who just so happens to be the annoying Hildy’s sister. And guess what? They hate each other. Hildy says mean things about Marie and Liz’s play and then stalks off.
Elsewhere in Manhattan, Jessica continues to shop. She has purchased the Fozzie Bear coat and shiny pants. She thinks it makes her fit in with the New Yorkers, which... yeah, you guys would not believe how many dead Muppets are in my wardrobe. She tries on a dress on Madison Avenue that she loves but can’t afford. If I had a nickel for every time Jessica coveted an outfit she couldn’t buy, I’d be rich. Then something actually unexpected happens-Bev Vernon, Jessica’s friend from the FSSA shows up. It turns out she’s actually working for the FBI and she has a few questions for Jessica. Jess tries to resist arrest-which is not smart, Mrs. Secret Agent-but eventually the feds get her.
That was actually fun for me, like a real book. I thought the FSSA plotline was over! … But maybe that’s just because I didn’t actually read Private Jessica.
For some reason, Jessica thinks the FBI is going to torture her. This seems like an odd assumption for someone speaking before Guantanamo was opened. Bev explains that she was undercover doing an investigation on Pruitt-the sergeant Jessica didn’t get along with. It seems that Pruitt was placing graduates of the FSSA at security jobs and then using them as inside-men on robberies. Jessica just thought she was mean but it turns out she was a criminal mastermind. When Jess beat Pruitt in the nonsensical boxing match, she inadvertently ruined Bev’s investigation. Now Bev wants Jessica to prove that she was actually helping Pruitt all along.
Or something.
Luckily, Jessica remembers some stuff from when she went through Pruitt’s things. Pruitt had juvenile records for some of the recruits. Bev thinks that’s great since juvenile records are sealed, and she shouldn’t have been able to obtain them legally. Jessica is like, “Really? I didn’t know that--? I mean! That’s great. Can I go now? I have a date with a hot actor!”
Back to Elizabeth’s boring plot: Tom is worried. Now that he’s covering the Maxwell productions, he is worried if (haha! IF!) Liz’s play continues to have problems, he will have to give her a negative review. Journalistic integrity and all. This makes me laugh. And guess what? Liz’s play is not going well. Marie is a nightmare. She’s dumb and she’s a terrible actress. Liz wonders why she got a call-back. Um, since it was you who did the auditioning, Liz, I have to assume it’s because you don’t know shit about theater. (We're told it's because she's shtupping Ted, the dramaturgist, but I don't buy it.) Her lead actor, Ken, quits because Marie is so horrible. And that’s when Tom walks in! AWK-WARD.
Liz and Tom do this whole “It’s my fault”/“No, it’s my fault” dance about how Tom should cover the play. Tom offers to quit. They talk about journalistic integrity some more, which makes me laugh again. I don’t understand why Tom didn’t just say, “I’m dating one of the writers.” Totally reasonable conflict of interest. With her lead actor quit, Liz has what she thinks is a brilliant idea-she’ll ask Vince to do it! Then Tom goes back to being jealous of Vince. I sigh. Damnit, Tom, I was starting to feel bad for you but you're making it really difficult.
Vince claims he’s glad to be working for Liz, because he likes her play. That’s totally crap, Vince. You’re not that good of an actor. The bad news is that Marie still sucks. Liz desperately wants Jessica to play the PhoebeLiz part, and now so does Vince. Vince tries to convince Jessica, by saying it would mean a lot more time together but Jess still demurs. I really think there is something wrong with her, you guys. Not wanting to be on stage or spend time with a handsome famous guy? I’m concerned. (Insert corny “Code Orange” joke about her fur jacket here.)
Liz and Tom fight about Vince again. BO-RING.
Jessica passes out again, after spending a night partying with Vince. (Again, this is my concerned face. A Jessica Wakefield that cannot party is no Jessica Wakefield at all!)
The next day, everyone is at the theater. Liz is “directing;” Tom is watching Gerald’s play rehearse; Vince is “acting”; and Jessica is just there for the man-candy. She also mocks absolutely everything which makes me happy. But while she is sitting there, she picks up Liz’s script and it speaks to her.
In life, there are potholes and pitfalls and deep, dark wells ready to catch you out when you least expect it. But sometimes you need to take the plunge, seek out danger before it takes you by surprise. Sometimes it’s better to jump in than to fall in.
Um, yeah, that’s supposed to be dialogue. Liz the Bard, indeed. Regardless, Jessica thinks she needs to “jump in.” Finally. I was seriously fretting!
Luckily, Hildy sees some stupid mock-up that Tom’s photographer did and thinks she’s going to be on the cover of NYC Slick. She goes to rub it in Marie’s face and they have a huge fight. The end result is that Hildy is fired and Marie is moved into Hildy’s role-in Claire’s play, not Liz’s. This satisfies everyone (as Claire’s play is not about acting; it’s about being naked). Jessica will now play PhoebeLiz and Vince will play GavinTom, which we knew would happen from the very first page of the very first book in the series. It’s only taken like 600 pages to get here.
The only problem is this: Tom’s boss just found out that he knows Liz, so he wants to put him on another “beat.” This makes perfect sense to me but, of course, now that Tom thinks Liz’s play is great, he wants to be the one to give her a good review. What about your journalistic integrity, Tom? The boss wants to replace Tom with some guy who always gives bad reviews to plays. He wants to protect Elizabeth. Well, you know what, if Liz is half the “bard” she’s cracked up to be, she’ll realize bad reviews are part of the business. ... Oh but that’s right, she’s not. She needs to dating the reviewer to score good marks.
When Tom breaks the news about the new reviewer, Vince and Liz flip out. They’re terrified of this guy. Jessica wants to know if he’s as mean as Siskel and Ebert (RIP SISKEL!). Fuck, you guys are doing college theater, you should be grateful to get reviewed at all. There are several pages of everyone acting like they are about to face the firing squad for real. Jessica considers going back to FSSA. It’s very over-the-top and stupid. I skip ahead some.
Gerald’s play goes on. It’s terrible. People throw food, literally. Backstage, Vince presents Jessica with the dress she was coveting on Madison Avenue to calm her nerves. Aw, he knows what makes Jessica happy-material things. Claire’s naked play goes on. People laugh.
Okay, you guys are going to be shocked by this last bit: Liz’s play goes on and it’s wonderful. I know, right? Never could’ve seen that coming. Elizabeth the Bard! She triumphs again. The audience even cries for the director to come onstage and bow which is laying it on thick even by Sweet Valley standards. And then, to further the ridiculousness, a theater reviewer tells Jessica she’s a “rare, exotic flower” while a TV producer says she reminds him of “Audrey Hepburn.” Seriously, ghostwriter? Seriously?
I'll let you all think about how glad you are you didn't have to read that nonsense for a moment.
Okay. That's enough. Tom sneaks off to the NYC Slick offices to see what the reviewer wrote. He hated the other two plays, but loved Liz’s, naturally. He comes back to tell her the good news and they make out. But, the cynic in me needs to point out, they do not have sex.
The end.
HURRAY!
SVU #41: Escape to New York
No, this isn’t the Snake Plissken/Liz Wakefield crossover you’ve all been dying for. It’s the third and final book in the New York Summer Break series. Last week(*ha!) I did a recap of the first book in that series and I was asked to do the third one. Ask and ye shall receive!
I gotta say that this cover makes me really, really sad, you guys. I didn’t even know Fozzie Bear had died. To find out now that Jessica killed him and used his fur for a coat... I don’t know. I’m really bummed. I might not be able to snark well on this one. Maybe we ought to have a wake? Or donate money to some save the Muppets-type cause. Aren’t Fozzie Bears endangered? She should be put in jail or at least fined for that.
Jessica is in NYC, having escaped the FSSA security training. She’s excited to be having dinner with “famous” actor Vince Klee, oh, and her sister and Tom too. So she tries to seduce him with talk of how dangerous” she is. (She is saying it in the, “I’m hot and exciting way” not the truthful “If you date me, you’ll probably die” way ) Liz pipes up and says, “Hey weren’t you scared for your life last time you called?” Now she’s cockblocking Tom and Jessica.
Liz thinks she can tell with her magic twin powers (TM Wakefields) that something is wrong with Jessica. You know what’s wrong with Jessica, Liz? She’s trying to put the moves on a hot actor and you’re shutting her down at every turn! You know there is nothing more important than rich, famous guys to Jessica.
Vince suggests Jessica try out for the PhoebeLiz role in Liz’s play. (You’ll recall that the actress, Hildy, quit Liz's play in favor of another student piece, in the previous book because the play was so stupid.) Jessica demurs and says that she’s just so wiped after that boxing match with Pruitt. She just wants to shop and shop and party. Okay, now I’m worried about Jessica. I mean, the old Jessica could shop, party, pick up a guy, and act all at the same time. What kind of Jessica Wakefield doesn’t want to be on stage? With people LOOKING at her? The only reason I can come up with is that she doesn’t want to do Liz’s play because she bets it’ll be boring as all get out.
Tom is jealous of Vince, for some reason. Let it go, Tom. Even if he tried to get in Liz’s pants, she’s not going to sleep with him. Tom berates himself and thinks that Liz isn’t the type to cheat on him with Vince. This makes me laugh out loud. I love that everyone is all “Liz would never cheat” despite all evidence to the contrary.
Tish makes a bed for Jessica in her living room. This is possibly because I am looking for a new apartment in New York(*when I first started recapping), but I am suddenly very jealous that Tish can afford an apartment big enough to fit three random strangers, without ever having to really work. Jessica muses about Tish’s New Age lifestyle and is glad she wasn’t born in the sixties because she doesn’t think they had hair dryers back then. Yes, they did.
Jessica can’t sleep so she goes to Liz’s bedroom. I half expect Liz to say Jessica can’t sleep with her either, but she allows her in to talk. Jess recaps the FSSA debacle for Liz and Liz thinks “Jessica’s civil rights were violated.” ...? WHAT? No, seriously, what? I don’t even know what to say to that. Except, “Hey! Someone get Al Shaprton on the phone. Someone made a rich white girl do work!” I’m sure he’ll come right over.
Ted, the dramaturgist, tells Liz that they will never be able to get a replacement for Hildy on such short notice. It’s Monday. The play is on [Saturday]. I love that in Sweet Valley-New York, only Jessica can save Liz now! It’s not like there are a million unemployed actresses in the city.
The show Tease-n-Tell (which Tom was working at last book. He has since quit.) airs its piece on the fellowship plays. It focuses all on the nakedness in Claire's play. Liz cannot believe that goth!girl Claire is excited to see her play spoken about on TV. Because... publicity is bad? I don’t know. It’s not like they are saying the actors are naked when they aren’t. Liz cannot even watch the (presumably censored) naked people on TV. She is such a prude, y’all.
Jessica spends the day sightseeing in New York with Vince. It’s all happy-schmappy until the TV piece airs while they are walking by a big TV store. People start pointing and saying, “It’s him!” and “It’s an abomination!” This scene feels all wrong to me. Firstly, I would say the New Yorkers wouldn’t care. People can walk down the street naked here and not get a second glance. Some people have made a living at it. New Yorkers would just be like, “Get out of my way, nudist! I have to get my bagel!” And even if some odd lady did disapprove of nakedness, then she probably shouldn’t be in Museum Mile looking at art.
While Tom is watching the piece (he is horrified to hear them say Elizabeth’s name in conjunction with the “filth”), he gets a random phone call from NYC Slick magazine. The man tells him the magazine covers New York indie theater. Ha! I thought from the name it was some kind of porn thing. They randomly offer Tom a job. Because that’s how it works for Sweet Valley citizens. You don’t have to apply for jobs-they just find you.
Back at the theater, no one but Liz is upset about the Tease-n-Tell segment. They all seem to think it’ll put butts in the seats, but Liz calls it selling out. Then she goes to Ted’s office and finds out that now that they’ve been on TV, there are actresses willing to play PhoebeLiz in Liz’s crappy play! How quickly her morals change! Now Liz refers to the TV piece as “a blessing in disguise.” Liz is such a hypocrite; I don’t even know what to say.
Jessica and Vince (I keep writing Nick, but it’s Vince, SELF!) escaped to the Carnegie Deli. The New Yorker in me is like, “Weren’t they just at the Met?! How’d they get to 7th so quickly! Teleport?! And who goes to Carnegie Deli to escape crowds?! NO SENSE! But I digress, they order extremely large sandwiches and banter about how Jessica’s is “too big” to “get her mouth around.” I start to wonder if the ghostwriter is inserting double entendres in to this book for laughs. Then he dares her to do it and promises to “take her out” if she does. Everyone is having sex but Liz.
Tom thinks Liz is going to break up with him over the Tease-n-Tell piece. He flinches when she comes home. I swear he’s like a battered spouse. Luckily, Liz is in a good mood because the sudden actress windfall and Tom breathes a sigh of relief. Tom’s nervous about the NYC Slick position. He doesn’t know anything about theater and doesn’t think he’d be good at it. It’s a fucking summer job, Tom, suck it up. Vince, Jessica and Liz all agree to teach him how to use big word and sound pompous so he’ll fit right in. There is a “comedic” scene of them making up stuff and teaching Tom to act like the stuck-up snobs that wrote plays for the Fellowship thing with Liz. Wow, this ghostwriter really hates avant-garde theater. I like making fun of pretentious people as much as the next girl (see: everything I’ve ever written about Liz), but did Samuel Beckett rape her mother or something?
That night, Jessica wants to go out clubbing but Liz says it’s too late. It’s ten o’clock. I don’t think clubs open that early. Jessica rightly makes fun of her for being an old lady. Then Vince takes her to a string of odd clubs. There are people with piercings there. At one, everyone is dressed up like babies. That’s... wrong. Ghostwriter, I don’t need to know about your weird fetishes, thanks. They dance all night until Jessica passes out from exhaustion.
Guess what Liz and Tom do while Jess and Vince are out having fun? They stay home and not have sex! That night, Liz dreams Jessica collapses from exhaustion (thanks, magic Wakefield powers!). But I think the real message to take home is this: She’s not even dreaming about you, Tom, that’s how little action you’re getting.
The next day, Tom interviews for the NYC Slick job and gets it, of course. They want him to cover Liz’s play, of course. Meanwhile, Liz auditions potential PhoebeLizs. She finds out that most of them only wanted to audition because they wanted to see naked Vince Klee and she’s disappointed. Honestly, Liz, no one would want to be in your play otherwise so be grateful. She and Jessica are supposed to have fun shopping in the afternoon, but when she finds out Jessica passed out the night before, all she does is lecture Jessica through all the sample-sales. You know, if you stopped talking for one minute and just took her to get a massage or her nails done, it’d solve everyone’s problems, Liz.
Liz and Jessica make fun of the New York designers. Apparently one dress looks like someone killed Big Bird for the feathers. I'm a bit startled by this scene, given my comments about Jessica’s coat on the cover. I don’t want you to think I plagiarized; I wrote that before I lost the book. But it’s giving me a complex. Am I only as witty as the ghostwriters? Is my shtick as lame as the teaching Tom to be hip scene? SIGH. Anyway, the ghostwriter actually mentions and orange fur coat and silver pants. I’m shocked--shocked--that whoever worked on the cover actually read this thing. I think that’s a first. You can bet James Mathewuse never touched one of these books with a 10-foot pole.
Liz goes back to the theater and finds out the only actress that stayed for a callback is Marie Muldman, who just so happens to be the annoying Hildy’s sister. And guess what? They hate each other. Hildy says mean things about Marie and Liz’s play and then stalks off.
Elsewhere in Manhattan, Jessica continues to shop. She has purchased the Fozzie Bear coat and shiny pants. She thinks it makes her fit in with the New Yorkers, which... yeah, you guys would not believe how many dead Muppets are in my wardrobe. She tries on a dress on Madison Avenue that she loves but can’t afford. If I had a nickel for every time Jessica coveted an outfit she couldn’t buy, I’d be rich. Then something actually unexpected happens-Bev Vernon, Jessica’s friend from the FSSA shows up. It turns out she’s actually working for the FBI and she has a few questions for Jessica. Jess tries to resist arrest-which is not smart, Mrs. Secret Agent-but eventually the feds get her.
That was actually fun for me, like a real book. I thought the FSSA plotline was over! … But maybe that’s just because I didn’t actually read Private Jessica.
For some reason, Jessica thinks the FBI is going to torture her. This seems like an odd assumption for someone speaking before Guantanamo was opened. Bev explains that she was undercover doing an investigation on Pruitt-the sergeant Jessica didn’t get along with. It seems that Pruitt was placing graduates of the FSSA at security jobs and then using them as inside-men on robberies. Jessica just thought she was mean but it turns out she was a criminal mastermind. When Jess beat Pruitt in the nonsensical boxing match, she inadvertently ruined Bev’s investigation. Now Bev wants Jessica to prove that she was actually helping Pruitt all along.
Or something.
Luckily, Jessica remembers some stuff from when she went through Pruitt’s things. Pruitt had juvenile records for some of the recruits. Bev thinks that’s great since juvenile records are sealed, and she shouldn’t have been able to obtain them legally. Jessica is like, “Really? I didn’t know that--? I mean! That’s great. Can I go now? I have a date with a hot actor!”
Back to Elizabeth’s boring plot: Tom is worried. Now that he’s covering the Maxwell productions, he is worried if (haha! IF!) Liz’s play continues to have problems, he will have to give her a negative review. Journalistic integrity and all. This makes me laugh. And guess what? Liz’s play is not going well. Marie is a nightmare. She’s dumb and she’s a terrible actress. Liz wonders why she got a call-back. Um, since it was you who did the auditioning, Liz, I have to assume it’s because you don’t know shit about theater. (We're told it's because she's shtupping Ted, the dramaturgist, but I don't buy it.) Her lead actor, Ken, quits because Marie is so horrible. And that’s when Tom walks in! AWK-WARD.
Liz and Tom do this whole “It’s my fault”/“No, it’s my fault” dance about how Tom should cover the play. Tom offers to quit. They talk about journalistic integrity some more, which makes me laugh again. I don’t understand why Tom didn’t just say, “I’m dating one of the writers.” Totally reasonable conflict of interest. With her lead actor quit, Liz has what she thinks is a brilliant idea-she’ll ask Vince to do it! Then Tom goes back to being jealous of Vince. I sigh. Damnit, Tom, I was starting to feel bad for you but you're making it really difficult.
Vince claims he’s glad to be working for Liz, because he likes her play. That’s totally crap, Vince. You’re not that good of an actor. The bad news is that Marie still sucks. Liz desperately wants Jessica to play the PhoebeLiz part, and now so does Vince. Vince tries to convince Jessica, by saying it would mean a lot more time together but Jess still demurs. I really think there is something wrong with her, you guys. Not wanting to be on stage or spend time with a handsome famous guy? I’m concerned. (Insert corny “Code Orange” joke about her fur jacket here.)
Liz and Tom fight about Vince again. BO-RING.
Jessica passes out again, after spending a night partying with Vince. (Again, this is my concerned face. A Jessica Wakefield that cannot party is no Jessica Wakefield at all!)
The next day, everyone is at the theater. Liz is “directing;” Tom is watching Gerald’s play rehearse; Vince is “acting”; and Jessica is just there for the man-candy. She also mocks absolutely everything which makes me happy. But while she is sitting there, she picks up Liz’s script and it speaks to her.
In life, there are potholes and pitfalls and deep, dark wells ready to catch you out when you least expect it. But sometimes you need to take the plunge, seek out danger before it takes you by surprise. Sometimes it’s better to jump in than to fall in.
Um, yeah, that’s supposed to be dialogue. Liz the Bard, indeed. Regardless, Jessica thinks she needs to “jump in.” Finally. I was seriously fretting!
Luckily, Hildy sees some stupid mock-up that Tom’s photographer did and thinks she’s going to be on the cover of NYC Slick. She goes to rub it in Marie’s face and they have a huge fight. The end result is that Hildy is fired and Marie is moved into Hildy’s role-in Claire’s play, not Liz’s. This satisfies everyone (as Claire’s play is not about acting; it’s about being naked). Jessica will now play PhoebeLiz and Vince will play GavinTom, which we knew would happen from the very first page of the very first book in the series. It’s only taken like 600 pages to get here.
The only problem is this: Tom’s boss just found out that he knows Liz, so he wants to put him on another “beat.” This makes perfect sense to me but, of course, now that Tom thinks Liz’s play is great, he wants to be the one to give her a good review. What about your journalistic integrity, Tom? The boss wants to replace Tom with some guy who always gives bad reviews to plays. He wants to protect Elizabeth. Well, you know what, if Liz is half the “bard” she’s cracked up to be, she’ll realize bad reviews are part of the business. ... Oh but that’s right, she’s not. She needs to dating the reviewer to score good marks.
When Tom breaks the news about the new reviewer, Vince and Liz flip out. They’re terrified of this guy. Jessica wants to know if he’s as mean as Siskel and Ebert (RIP SISKEL!). Fuck, you guys are doing college theater, you should be grateful to get reviewed at all. There are several pages of everyone acting like they are about to face the firing squad for real. Jessica considers going back to FSSA. It’s very over-the-top and stupid. I skip ahead some.
Gerald’s play goes on. It’s terrible. People throw food, literally. Backstage, Vince presents Jessica with the dress she was coveting on Madison Avenue to calm her nerves. Aw, he knows what makes Jessica happy-material things. Claire’s naked play goes on. People laugh.
Okay, you guys are going to be shocked by this last bit: Liz’s play goes on and it’s wonderful. I know, right? Never could’ve seen that coming. Elizabeth the Bard! She triumphs again. The audience even cries for the director to come onstage and bow which is laying it on thick even by Sweet Valley standards. And then, to further the ridiculousness, a theater reviewer tells Jessica she’s a “rare, exotic flower” while a TV producer says she reminds him of “Audrey Hepburn.” Seriously, ghostwriter? Seriously?
I'll let you all think about how glad you are you didn't have to read that nonsense for a moment.
Okay. That's enough. Tom sneaks off to the NYC Slick offices to see what the reviewer wrote. He hated the other two plays, but loved Liz’s, naturally. He comes back to tell her the good news and they make out. But, the cynic in me needs to point out, they do not have sex.
The end.