SVSY #6 - Your Basic Nightmare
You know, I used to think the girl who posed as Melissa was really pretty. But then I bent this book the wrong way and cracked her face on the spine in half and...now she just looks vaguely demonic. You know?
I must inform you, first of all, that I bought this book at the grand age of seven years old. I dog-eared all of the parts with the making out because they confused me greatly, as the positions they were in did not seem possible to my second-grade mind.
For those of you who are not hip to the jive, Melissa Fox has spent all of five books convincing people who have known Jessica for years to completely shun her, because her boyfriend Will made out with Jessica and then, being a gentleman, told Melissa that Jessica came on to him first. Yeah.
(Has anyone ever noticed that the bitchy girls in books are almost always named Melissa?)
So now that we're all up to speed, let's jump into the action headfirst! Except we can't, because Will wants to talk about his feelings. Shut up, Will. He writes about how he promised Melissa he'd never leave her, except she took that literally and now he can't go after Jessica Wakefield without making Melissa mad. Dude, maybe the reason Melissa's mad is because you're cheating on her. Good grief.
Ken emails Maria about "Liz and Conner." (Conner's name is spelled with an E? I've never seen that before?) For some reason, Maria isn't talking to Liz? I'm too lazy to walk the three feet over to my bookshelf and check. This is such a waste of paper. Think of the trees!
Moving on, Conner's handwriting looks exactly like a font that was on my family's circa-2002 computer. I'll tell you right now, even when I was writing fake diary entries and using "handwriting fonts", I never used that font. One, it's ugly. Two, it...really doesn't look like anyone's handwriting. Ever. And three, it is so ugly. Mis ojos.
Oh, and uh, Conner really likes Elizabeth, but he's not into relationships and Liz...is. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much it.
ANYWAY, ONTO THE ACTUAL PLOT.
After all that drama, what with the Melissa/Will/Jessica and Ken/Maria/Conner/Liz shenanigans, we open with...Jeremy Aames in the hospital. Way to give me whiplash. His dad has had a heart attack! No! And now they are at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. I like how in a world where they can't keep track of the main characters' names, no one ever seems to forget that the hospital is called Fowler Memorial. Jeremy thinks that the hospital is "all so sterile and so very wrong." I get what he's trying to say, but that sentence cracks me up anyway. It's wrong for a hospital to be sterile? Don't become a doctor, Jeremy.
Anyway, his mom shows up and they go to the ICU to see his dad. Jeremy is sad pandas because his dad (I initially typoed that as "dead", which was...not funny) is hooked up to "a lot" of machines. Jeremy wishes that there was something he could have done. About your dead dad, goddammit not losing his job? Not actually a lot you could've done there. But Jeremy blames himself and decides that from now on he will make his dad's life "stress-free." I...good luck with that.
"Elizabeth Wakefield woke up, confused." I'm sure that's usual for her. Blah blah blah living at the Sandborns' house expositioncakes. What's really important here is that apparently in book 5, she and Conner kissed! On the lips! Because they like-like each other! Suddenly she remembers that she lives with the guy and her spirits "wane." She frets about what they're going to do when they see each other, and vows not to leave her room. I'm sure that won't be suspicious or anything. And then she sits in bed and listens to Conner brushing his teeth. I do not even know.
But wait! There is conflict! Because Maria was dating Conner and then he dumped her "pretty harshly" and then Liz made out with him. And now Liz feels guilty, so she calls Maria because "it was as if she needed to prove Maria was still there, not hating her." Whaaaat? That is a terrible reason! You -- I -- selfish -- bwuh -- you -- muffin -- jello -- GAH.
So Elizabeth calls Maria and asks her out to brunch, not because Maria might be feeling badly about Conner or anything, but because Elizabeth needs to know that Maria doesn't know about the Liz/Conner ship (GAH!) and Maria agrees to come by and pick her up. Maria frets that she'll have to see Conner and Liz tells her that he's out running and won't be back for a while. OMINOUS.
Jessica is throwing pillows at her clock radio, because it is reporting the weather and the weather is sunny and Jessica is not sunny. In fact, she is angry pancakes. Because she went to a party with Jeremy, but then Melissa Fox (on the cover!) showed up, told everyone at the party that Jessica is a slut, and then Jeremy ran off. Except the real reason he ran off is because his dad had a heart attack. But Jessica doesn't know that. So she cries a bit and thinks about what a mistake it was to kiss Will (even though he told her he didn't have a girlfriend GOD I HATE WILL SO MUCH) and you guys, I just want to give her a huge hug. :( :( :(
Jeremy does a crossword puzzle. His handwriting font is even worse than Conner's: it is Arial italicized. That's it. No, really.
Melissa has a nightmare that something is chasing after her and is going to kill her. Kill her dead, random nightmare-creature! No one will mind! She wakes up and immediately is sad that Will hasn't called her. To...congratulate her on how she insulted someone at a party in front of everyone? I guess? But no, Will defended Jessica after Jessica ran away! What a gentlemen. And by "defended", I mean he left Melissa at the party because she insulted Jessica. I don't even know what to say about him. What is your DEAL, Will? Is there a single person on this planet that you are not a dick to?
Melissa's mom comes in and they fight and Mrs. Fox says "Someday you're going to wish you were nicer to your mother." Ominous? I think?
Jessica goes downstairs to eat, being especially quiet so she doesn't wake up Lila. "Avoiding Lila had become second nature." Why, ghostwriter, why? Also I hate Melissa Fox. :( Jessica says "Enough of this 'poor me' stuff" and calls Jeremy to tell him that he is "an ignorant waste of space." I love you, Jessica. He doesn't answer. This is only relevant because of the line "Mr. Fowler had five separate phone lines running through the house for all his important business calls. Over the years Lila had managed to appropriate three of them." Oh, Lila. If only you weren't such a unawesome bitch in this series.
And then just at that moment Lila walks in. She and Jessica have a bit of a stare-off before Lila "flounces" (no, really) out. Jessica calls Liz for help, but Liz is about to go out for her plot convenient brunch. "Jessica's face fell. Why was everyone abandoning her lately?" OMG JESSICA COME HERE YOU POOR CHILD. Liz says that she'll come to the game (oh, I forgot to say, there's a football game and Jessica and Melissa will both be there but Jessica won't be cheering because Melissa made her miss the last game in a previous book THE END) and Jessica can talk to her then. Jessica "couldn't want to unload on Elizabeth. It was always the best remedy." Ah, some things never change.
Conner finishes his run before Maria shows up. Of course. He thinks about how much he likes "the sun in [Liz's] golden hair" and "the short length of her denim shorts." I...yeah. They flirt and he touches her arm and then Maria pulls up. OF COURSE. Conner thinks, "The pitfalls of hooking up with two best friends." Has he done this BEFORE? At the same time? You know, if this was Bruce or someone I would've been like, "Hee. Awesome." But it's Conner so I am just making a face.
Jeremy writes down his to-do list. At the very bottom is "Call Jessica." I wonder if he'll get around to doing it before she gets around to yelling at him?
Liz goes to brunch with Maria. Maria, unlike everyone else in ths book, gets to the point and says, "I saw the poem." Oh! I remember now! Liz wrote a love poem and doodled Conner's name in the margin because she's thirteen years old and Maria saw it! This book is so nice, reminding me what happened in the last book. :D Maria asks if the poem was about Conner and does Liz like him, and this would be the perfect time for Liz to tell the truth. But of course she doesn't. Instead she lies and says that his name is all over the margins because she's angry with him. Angry! Yeah! Maria buys it even though it is completely unbelievable. Oh, Maria, you poor sweet child.
OH THANK GOD THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THE BOOK IS FINALLY HERE. Will shows up at Melissa's house and breaks up with her. Melissa says that she hasn't been happy since he cheated on her. THANK GOD SOMEONE FINALLY ADMITS IT! Sure, it's a little late, what with Melissa having already destroyed Jessica's life, but...um...oh.
Maria and Ken are friendly/flirty/whatever. This Liz/Conner/Maria/Ken thing really, really bores me. Can we go back to A Tale of Two Sociopaths now?
Melissa. Will has left and...it's kind of sad, actually. No! Don't make me feel bad for Melissa! Curse you, ghostwriter! Curse youuuuu! Melissa's mother shows up and tells her she looks terrible and is generally a bitch. Melissa cries a little and then decides that she's going to have to go the game, because Will probably told everyone how he dumped her (because...it's really something to brag about?) and then Jessica Wakefield will be all smug and Melissa is going to SHOW THEM ALL! I'm trying to make it more interesting than it is, honestly.
Elizabeth is leaving for the football game when Conner comes in and makes her ~uncomfortable~ sexually. Liz thinks dirty thoughts about his "oatmeal" colored shirt. That's...hot? I guess? Because oatmeal is...hot cereal? Look, I don't even know. And then he kisses her and it is described as "searching" and "tangled". Incidentally, those are the same words I used to describe how difficult it was to brush my hair this morning. When they finally come up for air, Conner is described as looking "half-drunk, half-triumphant." I'm sure.
Jessica. Will chases after her and I think he's trying to tell her that he dumped Melissa so now he can go out with Jessica (because I'm sure she really wants to go out with you, asshole) but she is awesome and says, "I am not going to give you a minute. I'm not even going to give you a second. You're not worth my time." I LOVE YOU JESSICA!
Conner writes in his journal about how courteous Elizabeth is. I don't know, he's comparing the way everyone enters his house and there is absolutely no point to this why is it even a chapter fuck you.
Melissa is at the game, "concentrating on the stands, trying to discern who knew and whether or not they were mocking her." Dude, Melissa. Calm down. She thinks about how Jessica Wakefield is up in the stands and probably knows about it and then thinks about how Jessica had started the whole thing and how Will has dumped Melissa after "everything Jessica had put [her] through." Okay, nevermind, I'm back to hating Melissa. Her thought process here is actually kind of mildly frightening. I...would like to return to the Liz/Conner/Maria/Ken square, actually. *hides*
There's also a random line where they talk about whether or not Will is going to "run it" and Annie Whitman answers and Melissa thinks, "Annie should have been coaching instead of cheering." Just saying.
Will runs it in and the crowd goes wild and then everyone is like, "Time to do the Will Simmons cheer!" and of course Melissa has to do it. So she does (it's really boring) and then she realizes that no one is making fun of her, which means that nobody knows. And then the logic train ends there, because Melissa continues with, "And if he hadn't told anyone, there was still a chance." And so she begins to plot about how to make him hers again. Melissa is so very crazy.
Jessica and Elizabeth. You know there is something worrying when the twins are the most likeable people in the book. Elizabeth asks Jessica what's wrong in "her trademark concerned tone." I don't know whether I love this book or hate it. Just then Todd does something awesome (I don't really understand football) and Elizabeth allows herself "a sentimental heart flop" (such wording) before returning to Jessica's problems. This isn't relevant, I just wanted to include the heart flop. Liz tells Jessica to give Jeremy a chance to explain, because he's the first nice guy either one of them has met in a long time. Hey, Liz, don't tell me you forgot...uh...Devon Whitelaw? Or -- Jonathan the vampire? Um, Luke the not-werewolf? AJ Morgan? Conner McDermott? Okay, nevermind.
After the game, Melissa heads off to go ~recapture~ Will. But no! Will is not having second thoughts! He truly has broken up with her! But he'll let her tell her friends first if she wants -- he'll even let her tell them that she dumped him! You know, Will, no matter what you do, I will always think you are a douchecanoe. SO THERE. Melissa thinks that he's "scared of the blame he might face if things went...wrong. The way they had once before." WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHY IS SHE SO CREEPY? AAAAAAH.
Will journals about how he didn't expect Melissa to react the way she did. He writes about how upset and frail she looked and how it was all too familiar. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS SHE GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY? DID SHE BLOW UP THE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING AND SET OFF THE EARTHQUAKE? AAAAAAH. And then he adds how he doesn't like not knowing what's going through her head, because there are "too many really scary possibilities."
WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. WHY ARE YOU SO CRYPTIC.
(You know what's funny? I actually missed all this foreshadowing when I first read the book.)
Also, it's Tia! Hi, Tia! Did they let you out of the secondary character basement? Well, it's good to see you anyway. Pull up a seat, have some soda -- oh, you mean you have a plot to further along? Fine. She calls to invite Elizabeth (and Conner) to a party at the Riot (your friendly neighborhood non-alcoholic teenage nightclub!). Elizabeth is like, "Is Conner going?" and Tia's like, "I don't know, let me ask" so Elizabeth gives the phone to Conner and Conner asks, "Is Liz going?" and then they both ask if Maria is going GOD, YOU PEOPLE.
(And Maria is totally going. So Conner says he's not going. I'm not really even following at this point.)
Liz and Maria arrive at the Riot (I always feel like there should be an exclamation point after it, or it should at least be in italics or caps or something -- it's so anticlimactic otherwise) and immediately see Tia, who is wearing a "green lamé tank top" and is "practically covered in glitter from her eyelids to her shoulders." Ten bucks says she is also wearing black jeans, platform sandals, and has chopsticks holding her hair in a ~messy bun~. Oh, 1999, I miss you.
And then Conner shows up. Ha! Andy's eyes get all darty, because Andy is awesome and has totally figured out the Liz/Conner/Maria triangle. ILU ANDY. Everyone gets up to dance, but then the DJ (or "deejay" as it is written here) switches it to a slow song for plot-related reasons. Conner asks Liz to dance, and Liz notes that "he had just had a breath mint." I don't know why but that made me laugh so hard. Liz just stares at him and Andy says, "Well, I'm dying of suspense" (be my BFF Andy) and Liz is like, "I need a new drink." And Conner says, "Your glass is half full." And Liz thinks, "And your head is half empty." Sometimes I do love you, Liz.
Maria and Liz go off to get more drinks and Maria is like, "I can't believe Conner asked you to dance right in front of me!" and Liz is like, "YEAH THAT WAS A DICK MOVE AMIRITE?" and Maria's like, "I can't believe I accused you of liking him! I must really be losing it!" and Liz is like, "LOL YEAH oh fuck" and then Maria wanders off to go get the drinks (GOD JUST GET THEM ALREADY YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING THEM FOR FIVE PAGES) and Liz goes off to hang out at the balcony.
Conner's POV! He's mad because Liz is "more sexy" when she's being frustrating (his words, not mine). So he goes off to find her, and on his way over some girl who I guess he hooked up with says hi to him, and Conner "nodded noncommitally and moved on." Why are you such an asshole, Conner? He finds Liz on the balcony and immediately comes up behind her. He describes her neck as being "enticingly bare" and I am getting really creeped out right now. He touches her lips and Elizabeth's eyelids ~flutter~ and Conner "knew he had her." SO CREEPY! GAH! He takes her upstairs to the "make-out" floor and kisses her and "Elizabeth ceased to think at all." That's...par for the course with her, really.
Andy journals about how Conner, Liz, and Maria are "a living, breathing soap opera. But it's getting more painful to watch by the day." Or by the chapter.
Jeremy. Hey, I totally forgot he was in this book. His mother says that his father needs to get a job and Jeremy completely loses it and is like, "Searching for a job is what gave him the heart attack!!1111!!1eleventyone!11!!" and his mother says all patiently, "No, it was NOT having a job that gave him the heart attack because he was stressed about not having money" and Jeremy is like, "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS WIFE!" And then he storms out of the house and goes to the hospital and tells his dad, "I'm going to make sure you get better." Way to pressure yourself, Jeremy. And then he thinks about how Jessica must think he's shallow because hasn't called her. Yeah.
Melissa is at the football game victory party. I guess Sweet Valley won, then? A bunch of El Carro (what a name) cheerleaders come out and make her dance with them, and then a slow song comes on and they drag Will and Melissa together and demand that they make up and dance together because they are THE ULTIMATE COUPLE and they will ALWAYS BE TOGETHER and Will and Melissa are just like, "Awkward." Melissa's like, "Just one more dance! And then I'll tell them!" And Will says, "I can't keep coming back" and Melissa loses it and is like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, KEEP COMING BACK? YOU WERE PLANNING THIS! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING TO DUMP ME? HOW LONG?" The crazy, it burns. And then she runs home.
Elizabeth. She and Conner are up in the make-out room...making out. As one does in the make-out room. Liz pulls back to talk about Maria some more and Conner is like, "This is getting really old". Well maybe if you didn't hook up with best friends, CONNER. But then Conner says, "If you're so worried about Maria finding out, why don't you just tell her what's going on?" and really, he is talking sense. And Liz is like, "She's MY friend! I will handle this MY way!" So Conner gets huffy and stomps out of the make-out room. Ah, young love.
Senior Poll Category #1: Class Couple. This is the first category? Really? Not "Favorite Class" or "Favorite Teacher" or "Girl Most Likely to Blow School Up"? Class Couple is the one everyone cares about? I guess so. Everyone votes for Will Simmons and Melissa Fox (this will end well) with a few exceptions: "Who cares?" (Conner, everyone's favorite nihilist), "I have no idea" (Ken), "Oh, no" (Will, the cowardly custard), and "Anyone but Will Simmons and Melissa Fox." (Jessica. Hee.)
(It should be mentioned that they would presumably take this poll in class, but no time has passed between the chapters this separates, and this whole thing basically takes place on a weekend, yes? So -- yeah. Just saying.)
Melissa drives like a crazy person all the way back to her house, and then her parents come out to see why their daughter is driving like Mr. Toad. Her full name is Melissa Candice Fox, if you were wondering. Melissa finally tells her parents that Will dumped her, and Mrs. Fox says, "He dumped you? What did you do?" Omg, I hate you, Mrs. Fox. Her parents are unsympathetic and leave Melissa at home while they go to the LA Philharmonic and Melissa cries. :( :( :( Why is this book so angsty? Where is my pool-pushing goodness?
Conner sneaks over to Tia's house at crack-thirty in the morning to talk to her about Elizabeth and Maria. Tia tells him to let Liz handle it and I think there might actually be some good advice underneath all the Elizabeth praise. Essentially: Conner is in loooove with a giiiiirl and he wants to hold her hand and take her to the ice cream parlor after school. Or something. Also Tia tells him that Liz is worth it. LIES.
On the other side of town, where the main characters live, Liz sneaks into Jessica's room at crack-thirty in the morning to talk to her about Conner and Maria. I C WHAT U DID THAR. Jessica totally knows that Liz likes Conner before Liz even tells her, because Jessica is awesome. Aw. The twins really are kind of cute together. (Also, Jessica uses the word "omnipresent" and Liz says, "How do you know that word?" and Jessica says, "I go to school too, you know." HEE.) Jessica gives Liz advice, and it is actually quite good. She tells Liz to tell Maria, like everyone else in the book has so far. Liz is like, "Why does everyone keep telling me what I already know?" MAYBE BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT YET, LIZ. Jessica says that if Liz doesn't tell Maria, Maria will read her diary or see them kissing or "something else straight out of the movie of the week." Hey, I wonder if THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Also, Liz stole Conner's car to get to the Fowlers' house. It's...it's kind of awesome.
Jessica shows up to her job at House of Java, all ready to confront Jeremy. Except he's not working that day. You know, on account of his dad being in the hospital and everything. Jessica thinks to herself, "Eight hours, Aames. Then ready or not, here I come." This is just dragging it out, ghostwriter. Damn.
Jeremy wakes up in the hospital, makes up with his mom, and then runs off to call Jessica.
Liz is reading the paper, because "usually Elizabeth spent Sunday morning trying to learn something new about the world." Ha! No matter how many cars Liz steals or how much time she spends in the make-out room, she will always be a dork. It's a small comfort. Megan talks about how she has to write a three-page paper on standardized parts, and she doesn't even know what they are. Bwuh? Even I know what a standardized part is. Though I'm not sure I could write three pages on them. Anyway, Maria calls. She too has to write a history paper, only her modem went down and she can't get "on-line" to do the research. Oh, 1999, I am so glad you're gone. Liz offers to bring her PowerBook over. Aw, yeah:
But no! Maria says she'll come over, because who gives a fuck about Conner anyway, and Maria is TOTALLY OVER HIM and nothing will stop her from hanging out with Liz! NOTHING! Liz hops off to go tell Conner that Maria is coming over and to not, you know, hang around and make suggestive commentary and ask Liz to dance or anything. Conner opens the door without a shirt and Liz goes into shock for a few moments. Anyway, she tells him to gtfo becaue Maria is coming over and Conner is like, "You're throwing me out of my own house because Maria is coming over?" And Liz is like, "Well...yes." Hee. Conner is kind of a bitch about it but then he gives in and is actually quite nice. Is he drunk again?
Melissa. Her parents have gone out (again) and she...has her mother's sleeping pills. Oh, shit. Melissa thinks about how, since they're out, she can take her time. "Last time, she had rushed it, and that was how it had gone all wrong." Oh, shit! That's the thing they were talking about earlier! Gah! *flails* I mean, I know she's not going to die because this is Sweet Valley, but -- still. Actually, I think Mr. and Mrs. Fox are beating Ned and Alice for worst parents of the year. I mean, really:
Melissa has attempted suicide before.
Despite this, her parents still did not throw out the sleeping pills.
Melissa came home visibly distraught, and her parents did not check on her and left her alone in the house all day EVEN THOUGH THEY KNOW FULL WELL THAT SHE HAS DONE THIS BEFORE.
WHAT IS THIS.
Jessica drives over to Jeremy's house. Apparently his house is bigger than Fowler Crest. :O! Impossibibble! Jeremy answers the door and Jessica yells at him about -- uh -- I sort of skimmed this part but it involved his ~image~ and how he thinks he's too cool for school and his life is perfect or WHATEVER. And then Jeremy is like, "Are you finished? Because I wouldn't want to interrupt." I actually picked up asking people that if I wasn't sure they were done talking from this book. Only, you know, more politely. So then Jeremy takes her on the tour of the house, and it is sad pandas because they had to sell most of the furniture and Jessica feels like a bitch. She apologizes and Jeremy apologizes and then they kiss and it is cute. :D
Liz is trying to get Conner out of the house before Maria comes over. Blah blah flirting Conner refuses to leave obviouslycakes. And then he starts kissing her and then Liz hears a gasp. Who could it be? Lo, it is Maria and she is crying. :O!! I certainly did not see that plot twist coming!
Inspired by her talk with Jeremy, Jessica drives to Melissa's house to confront her, all atwitter with the excitement of getting to yell at her. Oh...no. She walks up to the door with a "purposeful, confident" stride and rings the doorbell...and Will answers it. OMINOUS! Jessica thinks that he looks "stricken," AS YOU DO. Jessica demands to know what is going on. Will tells her, "Melissa's in the hospital. She tried to commit suicide this morning."
THE END.
Ha! Just kidding! We couldn't end the book on an actual cliffhanger, could we? Jessica journals about how she feels sorry for Melissa and how ~everyone has their secrets~. Maria journals about how she went to the back door to avoid seeing Conner, which...worked out so well. Jeremy journals about how Jessica is totally worth it and stuff. Conner journals about how no girl is worth all the "complications." You asshole.
THE END.
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I must inform you, first of all, that I bought this book at the grand age of seven years old. I dog-eared all of the parts with the making out because they confused me greatly, as the positions they were in did not seem possible to my second-grade mind.
For those of you who are not hip to the jive, Melissa Fox has spent all of five books convincing people who have known Jessica for years to completely shun her, because her boyfriend Will made out with Jessica and then, being a gentleman, told Melissa that Jessica came on to him first. Yeah.
(Has anyone ever noticed that the bitchy girls in books are almost always named Melissa?)
So now that we're all up to speed, let's jump into the action headfirst! Except we can't, because Will wants to talk about his feelings. Shut up, Will. He writes about how he promised Melissa he'd never leave her, except she took that literally and now he can't go after Jessica Wakefield without making Melissa mad. Dude, maybe the reason Melissa's mad is because you're cheating on her. Good grief.
Ken emails Maria about "Liz and Conner." (Conner's name is spelled with an E? I've never seen that before?) For some reason, Maria isn't talking to Liz? I'm too lazy to walk the three feet over to my bookshelf and check. This is such a waste of paper. Think of the trees!
Moving on, Conner's handwriting looks exactly like a font that was on my family's circa-2002 computer. I'll tell you right now, even when I was writing fake diary entries and using "handwriting fonts", I never used that font. One, it's ugly. Two, it...really doesn't look like anyone's handwriting. Ever. And three, it is so ugly. Mis ojos.
Oh, and uh, Conner really likes Elizabeth, but he's not into relationships and Liz...is. Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much it.
ANYWAY, ONTO THE ACTUAL PLOT.
After all that drama, what with the Melissa/Will/Jessica and Ken/Maria/Conner/Liz shenanigans, we open with...Jeremy Aames in the hospital. Way to give me whiplash. His dad has had a heart attack! No! And now they are at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. I like how in a world where they can't keep track of the main characters' names, no one ever seems to forget that the hospital is called Fowler Memorial. Jeremy thinks that the hospital is "all so sterile and so very wrong." I get what he's trying to say, but that sentence cracks me up anyway. It's wrong for a hospital to be sterile? Don't become a doctor, Jeremy.
Anyway, his mom shows up and they go to the ICU to see his dad. Jeremy is sad pandas because his dad (I initially typoed that as "dead", which was...not funny) is hooked up to "a lot" of machines. Jeremy wishes that there was something he could have done. About your dead dad, goddammit not losing his job? Not actually a lot you could've done there. But Jeremy blames himself and decides that from now on he will make his dad's life "stress-free." I...good luck with that.
"Elizabeth Wakefield woke up, confused." I'm sure that's usual for her. Blah blah blah living at the Sandborns' house expositioncakes. What's really important here is that apparently in book 5, she and Conner kissed! On the lips! Because they like-like each other! Suddenly she remembers that she lives with the guy and her spirits "wane." She frets about what they're going to do when they see each other, and vows not to leave her room. I'm sure that won't be suspicious or anything. And then she sits in bed and listens to Conner brushing his teeth. I do not even know.
But wait! There is conflict! Because Maria was dating Conner and then he dumped her "pretty harshly" and then Liz made out with him. And now Liz feels guilty, so she calls Maria because "it was as if she needed to prove Maria was still there, not hating her." Whaaaat? That is a terrible reason! You -- I -- selfish -- bwuh -- you -- muffin -- jello -- GAH.
So Elizabeth calls Maria and asks her out to brunch, not because Maria might be feeling badly about Conner or anything, but because Elizabeth needs to know that Maria doesn't know about the Liz/Conner ship (GAH!) and Maria agrees to come by and pick her up. Maria frets that she'll have to see Conner and Liz tells her that he's out running and won't be back for a while. OMINOUS.
Jessica is throwing pillows at her clock radio, because it is reporting the weather and the weather is sunny and Jessica is not sunny. In fact, she is angry pancakes. Because she went to a party with Jeremy, but then Melissa Fox (on the cover!) showed up, told everyone at the party that Jessica is a slut, and then Jeremy ran off. Except the real reason he ran off is because his dad had a heart attack. But Jessica doesn't know that. So she cries a bit and thinks about what a mistake it was to kiss Will (even though he told her he didn't have a girlfriend GOD I HATE WILL SO MUCH) and you guys, I just want to give her a huge hug. :( :( :(
Jeremy does a crossword puzzle. His handwriting font is even worse than Conner's: it is Arial italicized. That's it. No, really.
Melissa has a nightmare that something is chasing after her and is going to kill her. Kill her dead, random nightmare-creature! No one will mind! She wakes up and immediately is sad that Will hasn't called her. To...congratulate her on how she insulted someone at a party in front of everyone? I guess? But no, Will defended Jessica after Jessica ran away! What a gentlemen. And by "defended", I mean he left Melissa at the party because she insulted Jessica. I don't even know what to say about him. What is your DEAL, Will? Is there a single person on this planet that you are not a dick to?
Melissa's mom comes in and they fight and Mrs. Fox says "Someday you're going to wish you were nicer to your mother." Ominous? I think?
Jessica goes downstairs to eat, being especially quiet so she doesn't wake up Lila. "Avoiding Lila had become second nature." Why, ghostwriter, why? Also I hate Melissa Fox. :( Jessica says "Enough of this 'poor me' stuff" and calls Jeremy to tell him that he is "an ignorant waste of space." I love you, Jessica. He doesn't answer. This is only relevant because of the line "Mr. Fowler had five separate phone lines running through the house for all his important business calls. Over the years Lila had managed to appropriate three of them." Oh, Lila. If only you weren't such a unawesome bitch in this series.
And then just at that moment Lila walks in. She and Jessica have a bit of a stare-off before Lila "flounces" (no, really) out. Jessica calls Liz for help, but Liz is about to go out for her plot convenient brunch. "Jessica's face fell. Why was everyone abandoning her lately?" OMG JESSICA COME HERE YOU POOR CHILD. Liz says that she'll come to the game (oh, I forgot to say, there's a football game and Jessica and Melissa will both be there but Jessica won't be cheering because Melissa made her miss the last game in a previous book THE END) and Jessica can talk to her then. Jessica "couldn't want to unload on Elizabeth. It was always the best remedy." Ah, some things never change.
Conner finishes his run before Maria shows up. Of course. He thinks about how much he likes "the sun in [Liz's] golden hair" and "the short length of her denim shorts." I...yeah. They flirt and he touches her arm and then Maria pulls up. OF COURSE. Conner thinks, "The pitfalls of hooking up with two best friends." Has he done this BEFORE? At the same time? You know, if this was Bruce or someone I would've been like, "Hee. Awesome." But it's Conner so I am just making a face.
Jeremy writes down his to-do list. At the very bottom is "Call Jessica." I wonder if he'll get around to doing it before she gets around to yelling at him?
Liz goes to brunch with Maria. Maria, unlike everyone else in ths book, gets to the point and says, "I saw the poem." Oh! I remember now! Liz wrote a love poem and doodled Conner's name in the margin because she's thirteen years old and Maria saw it! This book is so nice, reminding me what happened in the last book. :D Maria asks if the poem was about Conner and does Liz like him, and this would be the perfect time for Liz to tell the truth. But of course she doesn't. Instead she lies and says that his name is all over the margins because she's angry with him. Angry! Yeah! Maria buys it even though it is completely unbelievable. Oh, Maria, you poor sweet child.
OH THANK GOD THE ACTUAL PLOT OF THE BOOK IS FINALLY HERE. Will shows up at Melissa's house and breaks up with her. Melissa says that she hasn't been happy since he cheated on her. THANK GOD SOMEONE FINALLY ADMITS IT! Sure, it's a little late, what with Melissa having already destroyed Jessica's life, but...um...oh.
Maria and Ken are friendly/flirty/whatever. This Liz/Conner/Maria/Ken thing really, really bores me. Can we go back to A Tale of Two Sociopaths now?
Melissa. Will has left and...it's kind of sad, actually. No! Don't make me feel bad for Melissa! Curse you, ghostwriter! Curse youuuuu! Melissa's mother shows up and tells her she looks terrible and is generally a bitch. Melissa cries a little and then decides that she's going to have to go the game, because Will probably told everyone how he dumped her (because...it's really something to brag about?) and then Jessica Wakefield will be all smug and Melissa is going to SHOW THEM ALL! I'm trying to make it more interesting than it is, honestly.
Elizabeth is leaving for the football game when Conner comes in and makes her ~uncomfortable~ sexually. Liz thinks dirty thoughts about his "oatmeal" colored shirt. That's...hot? I guess? Because oatmeal is...hot cereal? Look, I don't even know. And then he kisses her and it is described as "searching" and "tangled". Incidentally, those are the same words I used to describe how difficult it was to brush my hair this morning. When they finally come up for air, Conner is described as looking "half-drunk, half-triumphant." I'm sure.
Jessica. Will chases after her and I think he's trying to tell her that he dumped Melissa so now he can go out with Jessica (because I'm sure she really wants to go out with you, asshole) but she is awesome and says, "I am not going to give you a minute. I'm not even going to give you a second. You're not worth my time." I LOVE YOU JESSICA!
Conner writes in his journal about how courteous Elizabeth is. I don't know, he's comparing the way everyone enters his house and there is absolutely no point to this why is it even a chapter fuck you.
Melissa is at the game, "concentrating on the stands, trying to discern who knew and whether or not they were mocking her." Dude, Melissa. Calm down. She thinks about how Jessica Wakefield is up in the stands and probably knows about it and then thinks about how Jessica had started the whole thing and how Will has dumped Melissa after "everything Jessica had put [her] through." Okay, nevermind, I'm back to hating Melissa. Her thought process here is actually kind of mildly frightening. I...would like to return to the Liz/Conner/Maria/Ken square, actually. *hides*
There's also a random line where they talk about whether or not Will is going to "run it" and Annie Whitman answers and Melissa thinks, "Annie should have been coaching instead of cheering." Just saying.
Will runs it in and the crowd goes wild and then everyone is like, "Time to do the Will Simmons cheer!" and of course Melissa has to do it. So she does (it's really boring) and then she realizes that no one is making fun of her, which means that nobody knows. And then the logic train ends there, because Melissa continues with, "And if he hadn't told anyone, there was still a chance." And so she begins to plot about how to make him hers again. Melissa is so very crazy.
Jessica and Elizabeth. You know there is something worrying when the twins are the most likeable people in the book. Elizabeth asks Jessica what's wrong in "her trademark concerned tone." I don't know whether I love this book or hate it. Just then Todd does something awesome (I don't really understand football) and Elizabeth allows herself "a sentimental heart flop" (such wording) before returning to Jessica's problems. This isn't relevant, I just wanted to include the heart flop. Liz tells Jessica to give Jeremy a chance to explain, because he's the first nice guy either one of them has met in a long time. Hey, Liz, don't tell me you forgot...uh...Devon Whitelaw? Or -- Jonathan the vampire? Um, Luke the not-werewolf? AJ Morgan? Conner McDermott? Okay, nevermind.
After the game, Melissa heads off to go ~recapture~ Will. But no! Will is not having second thoughts! He truly has broken up with her! But he'll let her tell her friends first if she wants -- he'll even let her tell them that she dumped him! You know, Will, no matter what you do, I will always think you are a douchecanoe. SO THERE. Melissa thinks that he's "scared of the blame he might face if things went...wrong. The way they had once before." WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? WHY IS SHE SO CREEPY? AAAAAAH.
Will journals about how he didn't expect Melissa to react the way she did. He writes about how upset and frail she looked and how it was all too familiar. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS SHE GOING TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY? DID SHE BLOW UP THE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING AND SET OFF THE EARTHQUAKE? AAAAAAH. And then he adds how he doesn't like not knowing what's going through her head, because there are "too many really scary possibilities."
WHAT. DO. YOU. MEAN. WHY ARE YOU SO CRYPTIC.
(You know what's funny? I actually missed all this foreshadowing when I first read the book.)
Also, it's Tia! Hi, Tia! Did they let you out of the secondary character basement? Well, it's good to see you anyway. Pull up a seat, have some soda -- oh, you mean you have a plot to further along? Fine. She calls to invite Elizabeth (and Conner) to a party at the Riot (your friendly neighborhood non-alcoholic teenage nightclub!). Elizabeth is like, "Is Conner going?" and Tia's like, "I don't know, let me ask" so Elizabeth gives the phone to Conner and Conner asks, "Is Liz going?" and then they both ask if Maria is going GOD, YOU PEOPLE.
(And Maria is totally going. So Conner says he's not going. I'm not really even following at this point.)
Liz and Maria arrive at the Riot (I always feel like there should be an exclamation point after it, or it should at least be in italics or caps or something -- it's so anticlimactic otherwise) and immediately see Tia, who is wearing a "green lamé tank top" and is "practically covered in glitter from her eyelids to her shoulders." Ten bucks says she is also wearing black jeans, platform sandals, and has chopsticks holding her hair in a ~messy bun~. Oh, 1999, I miss you.
And then Conner shows up. Ha! Andy's eyes get all darty, because Andy is awesome and has totally figured out the Liz/Conner/Maria triangle. ILU ANDY. Everyone gets up to dance, but then the DJ (or "deejay" as it is written here) switches it to a slow song for plot-related reasons. Conner asks Liz to dance, and Liz notes that "he had just had a breath mint." I don't know why but that made me laugh so hard. Liz just stares at him and Andy says, "Well, I'm dying of suspense" (be my BFF Andy) and Liz is like, "I need a new drink." And Conner says, "Your glass is half full." And Liz thinks, "And your head is half empty." Sometimes I do love you, Liz.
Maria and Liz go off to get more drinks and Maria is like, "I can't believe Conner asked you to dance right in front of me!" and Liz is like, "YEAH THAT WAS A DICK MOVE AMIRITE?" and Maria's like, "I can't believe I accused you of liking him! I must really be losing it!" and Liz is like, "LOL YEAH oh fuck" and then Maria wanders off to go get the drinks (GOD JUST GET THEM ALREADY YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT GETTING THEM FOR FIVE PAGES) and Liz goes off to hang out at the balcony.
Conner's POV! He's mad because Liz is "more sexy" when she's being frustrating (his words, not mine). So he goes off to find her, and on his way over some girl who I guess he hooked up with says hi to him, and Conner "nodded noncommitally and moved on." Why are you such an asshole, Conner? He finds Liz on the balcony and immediately comes up behind her. He describes her neck as being "enticingly bare" and I am getting really creeped out right now. He touches her lips and Elizabeth's eyelids ~flutter~ and Conner "knew he had her." SO CREEPY! GAH! He takes her upstairs to the "make-out" floor and kisses her and "Elizabeth ceased to think at all." That's...par for the course with her, really.
Andy journals about how Conner, Liz, and Maria are "a living, breathing soap opera. But it's getting more painful to watch by the day." Or by the chapter.
Jeremy. Hey, I totally forgot he was in this book. His mother says that his father needs to get a job and Jeremy completely loses it and is like, "Searching for a job is what gave him the heart attack!!1111!!1eleventyone!11!!" and his mother says all patiently, "No, it was NOT having a job that gave him the heart attack because he was stressed about not having money" and Jeremy is like, "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS WIFE!" And then he storms out of the house and goes to the hospital and tells his dad, "I'm going to make sure you get better." Way to pressure yourself, Jeremy. And then he thinks about how Jessica must think he's shallow because hasn't called her. Yeah.
Melissa is at the football game victory party. I guess Sweet Valley won, then? A bunch of El Carro (what a name) cheerleaders come out and make her dance with them, and then a slow song comes on and they drag Will and Melissa together and demand that they make up and dance together because they are THE ULTIMATE COUPLE and they will ALWAYS BE TOGETHER and Will and Melissa are just like, "Awkward." Melissa's like, "Just one more dance! And then I'll tell them!" And Will says, "I can't keep coming back" and Melissa loses it and is like "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, KEEP COMING BACK? YOU WERE PLANNING THIS! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING TO DUMP ME? HOW LONG?" The crazy, it burns. And then she runs home.
Elizabeth. She and Conner are up in the make-out room...making out. As one does in the make-out room. Liz pulls back to talk about Maria some more and Conner is like, "This is getting really old". Well maybe if you didn't hook up with best friends, CONNER. But then Conner says, "If you're so worried about Maria finding out, why don't you just tell her what's going on?" and really, he is talking sense. And Liz is like, "She's MY friend! I will handle this MY way!" So Conner gets huffy and stomps out of the make-out room. Ah, young love.
Senior Poll Category #1: Class Couple. This is the first category? Really? Not "Favorite Class" or "Favorite Teacher" or "Girl Most Likely to Blow School Up"? Class Couple is the one everyone cares about? I guess so. Everyone votes for Will Simmons and Melissa Fox (this will end well) with a few exceptions: "Who cares?" (Conner, everyone's favorite nihilist), "I have no idea" (Ken), "Oh, no" (Will, the cowardly custard), and "Anyone but Will Simmons and Melissa Fox." (Jessica. Hee.)
(It should be mentioned that they would presumably take this poll in class, but no time has passed between the chapters this separates, and this whole thing basically takes place on a weekend, yes? So -- yeah. Just saying.)
Melissa drives like a crazy person all the way back to her house, and then her parents come out to see why their daughter is driving like Mr. Toad. Her full name is Melissa Candice Fox, if you were wondering. Melissa finally tells her parents that Will dumped her, and Mrs. Fox says, "He dumped you? What did you do?" Omg, I hate you, Mrs. Fox. Her parents are unsympathetic and leave Melissa at home while they go to the LA Philharmonic and Melissa cries. :( :( :( Why is this book so angsty? Where is my pool-pushing goodness?
Conner sneaks over to Tia's house at crack-thirty in the morning to talk to her about Elizabeth and Maria. Tia tells him to let Liz handle it and I think there might actually be some good advice underneath all the Elizabeth praise. Essentially: Conner is in loooove with a giiiiirl and he wants to hold her hand and take her to the ice cream parlor after school. Or something. Also Tia tells him that Liz is worth it. LIES.
On the other side of town, where the main characters live, Liz sneaks into Jessica's room at crack-thirty in the morning to talk to her about Conner and Maria. I C WHAT U DID THAR. Jessica totally knows that Liz likes Conner before Liz even tells her, because Jessica is awesome. Aw. The twins really are kind of cute together. (Also, Jessica uses the word "omnipresent" and Liz says, "How do you know that word?" and Jessica says, "I go to school too, you know." HEE.) Jessica gives Liz advice, and it is actually quite good. She tells Liz to tell Maria, like everyone else in the book has so far. Liz is like, "Why does everyone keep telling me what I already know?" MAYBE BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT YET, LIZ. Jessica says that if Liz doesn't tell Maria, Maria will read her diary or see them kissing or "something else straight out of the movie of the week." Hey, I wonder if THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Also, Liz stole Conner's car to get to the Fowlers' house. It's...it's kind of awesome.
Jessica shows up to her job at House of Java, all ready to confront Jeremy. Except he's not working that day. You know, on account of his dad being in the hospital and everything. Jessica thinks to herself, "Eight hours, Aames. Then ready or not, here I come." This is just dragging it out, ghostwriter. Damn.
Jeremy wakes up in the hospital, makes up with his mom, and then runs off to call Jessica.
Liz is reading the paper, because "usually Elizabeth spent Sunday morning trying to learn something new about the world." Ha! No matter how many cars Liz steals or how much time she spends in the make-out room, she will always be a dork. It's a small comfort. Megan talks about how she has to write a three-page paper on standardized parts, and she doesn't even know what they are. Bwuh? Even I know what a standardized part is. Though I'm not sure I could write three pages on them. Anyway, Maria calls. She too has to write a history paper, only her modem went down and she can't get "on-line" to do the research. Oh, 1999, I am so glad you're gone. Liz offers to bring her PowerBook over. Aw, yeah:
But no! Maria says she'll come over, because who gives a fuck about Conner anyway, and Maria is TOTALLY OVER HIM and nothing will stop her from hanging out with Liz! NOTHING! Liz hops off to go tell Conner that Maria is coming over and to not, you know, hang around and make suggestive commentary and ask Liz to dance or anything. Conner opens the door without a shirt and Liz goes into shock for a few moments. Anyway, she tells him to gtfo becaue Maria is coming over and Conner is like, "You're throwing me out of my own house because Maria is coming over?" And Liz is like, "Well...yes." Hee. Conner is kind of a bitch about it but then he gives in and is actually quite nice. Is he drunk again?
Melissa. Her parents have gone out (again) and she...has her mother's sleeping pills. Oh, shit. Melissa thinks about how, since they're out, she can take her time. "Last time, she had rushed it, and that was how it had gone all wrong." Oh, shit! That's the thing they were talking about earlier! Gah! *flails* I mean, I know she's not going to die because this is Sweet Valley, but -- still. Actually, I think Mr. and Mrs. Fox are beating Ned and Alice for worst parents of the year. I mean, really:
WHAT IS THIS.
Jessica drives over to Jeremy's house. Apparently his house is bigger than Fowler Crest. :O! Impossibibble! Jeremy answers the door and Jessica yells at him about -- uh -- I sort of skimmed this part but it involved his ~image~ and how he thinks he's too cool for school and his life is perfect or WHATEVER. And then Jeremy is like, "Are you finished? Because I wouldn't want to interrupt." I actually picked up asking people that if I wasn't sure they were done talking from this book. Only, you know, more politely. So then Jeremy takes her on the tour of the house, and it is sad pandas because they had to sell most of the furniture and Jessica feels like a bitch. She apologizes and Jeremy apologizes and then they kiss and it is cute. :D
Liz is trying to get Conner out of the house before Maria comes over. Blah blah flirting Conner refuses to leave obviouslycakes. And then he starts kissing her and then Liz hears a gasp. Who could it be? Lo, it is Maria and she is crying. :O!! I certainly did not see that plot twist coming!
Inspired by her talk with Jeremy, Jessica drives to Melissa's house to confront her, all atwitter with the excitement of getting to yell at her. Oh...no. She walks up to the door with a "purposeful, confident" stride and rings the doorbell...and Will answers it. OMINOUS! Jessica thinks that he looks "stricken," AS YOU DO. Jessica demands to know what is going on. Will tells her, "Melissa's in the hospital. She tried to commit suicide this morning."
THE END.
Ha! Just kidding! We couldn't end the book on an actual cliffhanger, could we? Jessica journals about how she feels sorry for Melissa and how ~everyone has their secrets~. Maria journals about how she went to the back door to avoid seeing Conner, which...worked out so well. Jeremy journals about how Jessica is totally worth it and stuff. Conner journals about how no girl is worth all the "complications." You asshole.
THE END.
(If this book depressed you too much, just remember that you can win a copy of *NSYNC: THE OFFICIAL BOOK! The only official book on today's hottest band, with OVER EIGHTY EXCLUSIVE COLOR PHOTOS! Or -- okay, I just read further and you can't win it. You have to go out and buy it. THANKS.)