SVU Thriller Edition #2 - He's Watching You
SVU Thriller Edition #2 - He's Watching You
When I saw that this book was on the list of Strangerface's not-yet-recapped books, I couldn't believe it. I mean, it's William White. William White. They're hilarious all on their own, let alone 1bruce1 mockery! briar_lily posted an awesome recap of it earlier, but I had already started mine and figured two couldn't hurt, right?
So here it is. The William White story that takes place after the crazy racist fraternity storyline but before the crazy virtual reality and crazy secret library lair storyline. Rest assured, there will be plenty of crazy in this one, too.
Based only on clothes and hair-and this is Sweet Valley, so assumptions based on surface appearance are totally okay-I assume Jessica is on the left and Elizabeth is on the right. I think they're supposed to look scared, but Jessica just looks bored and Elizabeth looks like she's trying to remember if she remembered to turn the oven off before she left.
Before we start, I just wanted to point out that this book takes place shortly after SVU #11: Take Back the Night, in which Lila and Bruce finally get rescued, and yet there is not one single mention of either of them throughout this book. Even when there's talk of "all the friends" getting together to do stuff. I am pissed off like you wouldn't believe about this. Thank God for Crazy William, or this book would have been beyond redemption in my eyes.
The book starts with Elizabeth trying to cheer Jessica up now that the trial over her attempted rape is over. She tells her that Tom is going to take them both out to brunch at The Green Duck (snort), and "you'll hurt his feelings if you don't look like you're having fun. You know how sensitive he is." Really? Mr. Sensitive will be upset if the sexual assault victim doesn't put on a happy face for his benefit? Tom Watts is a special kind of awful. Jessica apparently feels differently, however, and the two agree that Liz is lucky to have him. Whatevs.
As the twins get ready to leave, the ghostwriter lobs a wall of exposition at us explaining that Elizabeth is having nightmares about being stalked by William. The book immediately switches to her recently-received note, "Make but my name thy love, and love that still, And then thou lov'st me, for my name is Will." Elizabeth has "theories" about who is sending her notes, but isn't sure. Um. Liz? The stalker just straight-up told you his name. Do you need to see two forms of photo ID first or what?
Next we get the usual same-but-different spiel, in which we learn that "most of [Jessica's] experiences with men had not turned out as well as Elizabeth's relationship with Tom Watts." "Most"? Name me one of Jessica's relationships that turned out well. Chick's a tragedy magnet, remember?
Tom arrives, and we're immediately treated to another wall of exposition before they leave for brunch. This one is about how his whole family tragically died in a car crash on the way to one of his football games, prompting him to quit the team and join the WSVU TV station. Jeez, it's sad that Tom's family died, but why does the TV station have to suffer for it?
Look! It's William! Now this book can really get started! He's in a mental institution and plotting how he's going to get Elizabeth. First he plans to kill Tom and all of her friends, whom he names individually, including "Enid, or Alexandra, or whatever she was calling herself these days." I love that even Crazy William thinks the AlexEnid thing is stupid.
While he's working through his To-Do List of Death, an orderly named Andrea comes into his room to give him the bed check schedule and her car keys. She's described as both "plain" and "bovine." Of course. Anyone who isn't gorgeous and think is just a tool to be used, after all. Apparently William has convinced her that he's a counterterrorism agent imprisoned as part of some government conspiracy. This girl is excruciatingly gullible. Makes me wonder if she lets "George Clooney" down the hall out for movie premieres.
Now we switch to Todd, who runs into some guy named Henry who went to Big Mesa. First mistake, Todd. Nothing good ever came out of Big Mesa. Henry gushes all about how great Todd is at basketball, and Todd carefully avoids telling him that he was kicked off the team for some random scandal I don't care about. Henry buys him a cup of coffee and gets him to reminisce until Todd realizes he's going to be late for class. Henry gives him his car keys and tells him to drive there, then come back and drop off the car at the coffee shop. Todd just kind of accepts that this is normal. Todd deserves what he gets for this.
Alex (y'know, NewEnid) and her boyfriend Noah are having coffee across from The Green Duck when they see Tom, Elizabeth, and Jessica go in for brunch. Noah asks if it's someone's birthday, and Alex says no. When Noah asks if she's sure, she replies that she and Liz were best friends through high school, so she definitely knows when Liz's birthday is. Yeah, after about the 500th (or however many years SVH lasted) Sweet Sixteen, it becomes hard to forget.
Suddenly, Todd arrives in Henry's car, veers off the road, and slams into some parked cars. The police arrive almost immediately-I can only assume they were having brunch at The Green Duck, too-and ask him if he's been drinking. Todd says he wasn't and tries to explain that there was something wrong with the steering wheel, but then one of the officers says the car was reported stolen and Todd is arrested. See, Todd? I told you so. Liz (who saw everything through a window) and Alex head to the police station.
After they leave, Noah is upset because he thinks Alex is more interested in Todd than in him. He's worried that she's attracted to all of Todd's drama, and figures he's too boring to stand a chance. Cheer up, Noah. You could always start punching people indiscriminately.
Meanwhile, William (who was "Henry") is watching the aftermath of the crash and thinking about how easy it was to fool Todd. Don't get cocky, William. You weren't exactly going up against Stephen Hawking, here. Not to mention the huge risk you took by assuming the Sweet Valley Police Department would display any degree of competence.
Celine obsesses over William. Yawn.
Tom is driving Jessica home, but she's still depressed. Tom thinks it was the scene at brunch that upset her. I think Tom's an insensitive moron. He stops at a park to try to cheer her up, but instead he ends up playing football with some kids and rambling about "bad apples" on the football team. Which of course reminds Jessica of the football player who tried to rape her. Fail, Tom. Fail.
At the police station, Liz and Alex split the cost of Todd's bail. Todd's lawyer asks them if Todd has a history of mental problems. I burst out laughing. Liz tells Alex that Todd has been leaving her weird notes and doing other creepy things to get her attention. When Alex asks her how she knows it's Todd, Liz replies, "Who else would it be?" Who else? Gee, would you like the list in chronological or alphabetical order?
Later on, Tom and Danny are lifting weights in their dorm room when Tom says he's "not getting any satisfaction" from his workouts, so Danny suggests that he misses the physical contact of football, and I promise I will not make any references to homoeroticism in football. I'm just going stand over here and smirk a little.
Anyway. Tom conveniently gets a phone call immediately after Danny leaves, and it's a freelance producer named Bob who wants Tom to rejoin the football team as an undercover reporter to get the inside story on all of the recent sports scandals at SVU. He tells Tom to keep quiet about the story so the players will feel comfortable talking to him. Tom decides that this mysterious stranger that he's never spoken to or heard of before has a good point and decides to rejoin the team.
Winston is in his room, eating bagels with his girlfriend Denise, when he sees a story in the newspaper about auditions for the SVU mascot, called-brace yourself-Braino. That's right. Rhymes with the drain cleaner. Apparently the mascot wears a mask that covers the top of the head, eyes, and mouth, and gets to drive the Brainmobile to away games. I am very sorry to say that this will all be relevant later. Denise convinces Winston to try out for the part.
William skulks around campus in disguise, just generally being creepy but not really doing much. I still like his scenes better than anyone else's.
Elizabeth is mad at Tom for rejoining the football team. They argue, and Tom doesn't tell her about the producer and the undercover story. I'm not sure why; "Bob" told him to keep quiet to the other football players, not to everyone in general. Maybe Tom's just accepted that this is how these plots always work. She storms out and back to her dorm room, where she finds a mutilated Ken doll and a scared-looking Barbie doll. This somehow makes her convinced that Todd is the stalker and, again, I'm not sure why. Maybe Elizabeth has finally made the same Todd/Ken doll connection the rest of us made a long time ago.
She goes over to Todd's dorm to confront him, and feels reassured to see he's calm and relaxed. I don't know; I'm actually more frightened by a Todd who isn't incoherent with rage. He's packing up his things because he's been suspended from SVU, and plans to move into a room over a bar in exchange for working there. He's obviously confused when she asks him about the dolls, but apparently this does not shake her conviction that he's the only person who could ever conceivably stalk her.
Later, Jess and Liz talk about Tom and the football team. Elizabeth asks, "Does he really believe I'm so judgmental that I think nobody should ever play a sport because some guys on the team are jerks?" I don't know about Tom, but that pretty much sums up my opinion. Well put, Liz.
The twins walk into their dorm room to find two identical Barbie dolls splashed with red paint with their arms and legs broken. Elizabeth tells Jessica that it must be Todd that's been stalking her, and Jessica suggests it might be William White instead.
Hit the brakes. Did Jessica Wakefield just say something really smart? I...I think she did. Why don't we all just let that sink in for a moment, okay?
Since we've still got more than two hundred pages to go, Elizabeth fails to listen and insists that it's Todd because "I'd rather have Todd stalking me than William White."
Right. Okay then. That's not stupid at all, Liz.
Jessica convinces her to call the mental institution, but she's told William can't come to the phone. Both girls are now convinced that proves William White can't be the stalker. It doesn't occur to either of them that maybe he can't come to the phone because he's busy stabbing Barbie dolls and leaving them in dorm rooms.
It turns out the person Elizabeth talked to was Andrea, and she's been withholding William's phone messages from Celine out of jealousy. Is Andrea the only orderly at the institution? Or just the only orderly who knows how to answer the phone? Why am I even wondering about this?
Celine is shelving books at the campus library and finds William in the basement. He asks her to get rid of his wheelchair for him, then smashes the light with his fist and leaves. He may be an evil genius, but he still needs to learn how to operate a light switch.
Tom and Elizabeth argue again, but she finally agrees to support his choice. He still doesn't tell her the truth, though, because lying to loved ones has always served people well in these books.
Celine comes back to her apartment to find a Barbie doll with duct tape on its mouth.
Okay, time out. I want you all to do something with me. Close your eyes and visualize a busy Toys 'R' Us. Something by Hannah Montana is playing over the sound system, little kids are running around and screaming, and there are people with plastic nametags selling loud electronic toys to frazzled parents.
Now, standing in a long line at a cash register is William White, looking kind of crazy but holding it together because he's in public. His arms are overloaded with hot pink Barbie doll boxes, stacked so high they almost reach the top of his head.
Seriously, imagine it. Hannah Montana. Screaming kids. William White. Barbies.
Awesome.
Celine, realizing that Andrea isn't passing along her messages, decides to visit William at the institution in person.
Danny and Tom are talking about Elizabeth. Tom says she understands now, but there's "a distance. You know. A gap. A gulf. Something we can't seem to bridge." I know absolutely no guys that talk like this.
A jealous Andrea tells William that he has a visitor, but he convinces her that Celine is a fellow operative. He thinks that she's "unbelievably, irredeemably stupid." I'm kind of with William on this. Celine flirts with William, who isn't impressed, and Andrea catches them kissing. Can we skip to the stalking and killing and maniacal laughter now?
Someone named Tim Hemphill calls Danny and suggests that he and all of his friends surprise Tom at the football game by showing up to cheer for him. I find it indescribably sad that "Tim" needs to explain to Danny that supporting his best friend = a Good Thing.
If you haven't guessed, "Tim" is William White. The ghostwriter makes it obvious by shifting POV to him at the end of the conversation, just in time for Andrea to return from escorting Celine out. She's furious with him for lying to her, and calls him a lunatic. He yells that he's not and pounds the desk with his fist, which doesn't really help his case. Just to prove that he's completely sane, he strangles her to death. Guess that showed her, huh?
William steals some clothes and money from a locker and escapes by punching an orderly and jumping through a window. He steals a car, and with security on his tail he drives it out to "a rickety bridge...that spanned a deep gorge." You know where this is going, right? Yup. He jumps out of the car just as it goes into the gorge, followed by the obligatory explosion. He doubles back to the institution because "they wouldn't be looking for him there." But they've still got guards there, right? I mean, surely they wouldn't be stupid enough to send every single member of their security personnel after a single escaped-you know what? Never mind. They probably are that stupid.
The next morning, Elizabeth and Jessica are talking about William's "death," which they read about in the newspaper. I can just imagine the headline: "No body found after exhaustive ten minute search; SVPD get bored and go home." Tom shows up to comfort Liz, and they all go out for breakfast. Apparently morning meals are the cure-all for traumatic experiences now.
Later, while Elizabeth watches Tom practice with the team, Danny tells her about his plan to take her, Isabella, Jessica, Maia, Denise, Winston, Nina, and Bryan on a road trip to the big SVU vs. State football game in a minivan. It sounds more like a clown car to me. Liz, like Danny, is completely blown away by the thought that Tom might appreciate his friends' support during the game. What shitty friends.
Denise is helping Winston practice for the Braino tryouts. Winston is worried that the role will go to a girl instead, since there's never been a female Braino before. You know, Winston, you do have options if that's the angle you want to go for.
Elizabeth freaks out when Todd approaches her to talk, then later finds a decapitated Ken doll in her room. She calls campus security because...it's illegal to talk to someone shortly before they find mutilated dolls in their room? I still have no idea what evidence Liz is basing her suspicions on. Maybe her Magic 8-Ball told her so?
Celine finds William in the library again. They drink champagne in celebration of his escape, but Celine is shocked to discover that he's more interested in Elizabeth. Um, it's not like he's made it a secret or anything. Anyway, Celine loses consciousness as she realizes that William put something in her champagne. Jeez, if you can't trust an insane murderous racist stalker who leaves threatening notes and dolls in your room, who can you trust?
Todd is working at the bar, but he's disappointed because he expected it to be glamorous. Aww. I bet Todd used to watch Cocktail five times a day. He sees "Henry" talking to Joe, his boss, but Joe stops him before he can chase after him. Joe says that "Henry" is the one who set Todd up with the job and the room, then tells Todd to go up to his room and rest. He goes upstairs, but finds it less than restful when he practically trips over Celine's body. Of course, the SVPD choose exactly that moment to show up to question him about stalking Elizabeth, and Todd decides that his best course of action is to...rush the police officers and run away. Well, that's certainly going to help his case.
Danny tells the rest of the gang about his road trip plan. Maia says she's not comfortable going to a football game, what with Being recently raped by a football player and all, but everyone else is pretty much, "Don't be a buzzkill, okay?" Yeah, Maia. You're just lucky Super-Sensitive Tom isn't here.
William is reading the paper and learns about Celine's attempted murder. He isn't pleased that Celine survived. I'm picturing him like Sideshow Bob, saying, "Attempted murder? Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?" He calls the hospital and asks which room she's in. When asked who he is, he affects a southern accent-mid-conversation, I might add-and pretends to be her brother to get information.
Jessica and Elizabeth are also upset about the attempted murder, and Elizabeth can't believe Todd would do try to kill someone. Jessica tells her, "We both know what alcohol can do to people." It turns out she's referring to her attempted rape, and I'm disappointed because for a second I thought we were getting a Jungle Prom reference.
Tom shows up at their dorm, and the twins fill him in on the notes, dolls, and "Todd's" stalking. Tom wants her to get police protection, but Elizabeth refuses. I don't blame her; Sweet Valley Police are a joke when they aren't being manipulated by William White.
Winston auditions for the part of Braino with Denise's assistance, and they both get the part as joint Brainos. I am already over that name.
William shows up at the hospital in a brown wig so that anyone who sees him will think he's Todd. There's no mention of coffee-colored contact lenses, though, so his cover's blown before he even starts. He does the "knock out a janitor and take his clothes" bit and tries to turn off Celine's respirator, but a nurse walks in before he can finish and he escapes.
Tom "slyly" interviews his teammates about the scandals and their effect on morale, and we get a preachy little PSA about doing the right thing is good and raping people is bad. In case you didn't know that.
Alexandra and Elizabeth talk about how shocked they are that Todd tried to kill Celine twice. Elizabeth says, "Todd has always been fair, compassionate, kind, and-until recently-even-tempered." What? Which Todd are you talking about, Liz? Because I think there must be more than one. Suddenly, Alexandra gets mad at Elizabeth for thinking Todd might be innocent. She tells her to take some precautions, then turns and stalks away. Um, one of those precautions might involve not being left alone and vulnerable, Alexandra. But you go ahead and wander off, leaving Elizabeth to her doom.
Winston and Denise are goofing off in his room. Winston tells Denise he's glad they finally have something in common, and Denise argues they have lots in common. Like...eating. Seriously, that's the best she could come up with. Winston, only half-kidding, proposes but she laughs it off and he feels sad. Aww, now I feel sorry for the poor guy. I'll marry you, Winston! I like eating, too!
Danny tells "Tim" about the plan to drive everyone to the game in the minivan. Man, hasn't even one person recognized William's voice yet?
The big game is the next day, and lots of people are wearing those damn Braino masks. Including William, which I find kind of hilarious. He's beginning to think that maybe killing all of Elizabeth's friends might make her mad, and decides to let Jessica live. See, that's the kind of thoughtfulness that really makes a girl melt.
Todd is lurking around Sweet Valley, trying to stay hidden while working out what's going on. He sees a bunch of mutilated Barbie dolls outside Liz's door and starts putting things together. He calls her and tries to convince her that someone else is behind everything, but she only pretends to believe him so she can find out where he is. Todd actually realizes this and hangs up. He also realizes that he's partly to blame for his problems, thanks to his bad choices and drinking. Somewhere along the way, Todd picked up about 50 extra IQ points.
Noah discusses the situation with a doctor at the mental institute, which doesn't really add much to the plot. It's only really relevant because the doctor's last name is Hemphill. You know, like "Tim." Apparently William isn't clever enough to come up with a fake last name on his own.
Elizabeth, Jessica, and Alexandra are hanging out in the twin's room. Liz doesn't want to tell Tom about the latest set of Barbies, and Alexandra accuses her of having a martyr complex. Alexandra, you've known her how long? And you've just figured it out? Next we get yet another wall of exposition about how Alexandra met Noah. We're getting into the climax of the story. Is this really the best time?
Next Liz decides she wants to do something extra-special for Tom to make up for not telling him about being stalked, so she comes up with...a message in foil letters across the back of the Brainmobile. Try harder, Liz.
That night, when the twins are going to bed, Jessica starts complaining about how most of their friends are in relationships. Jessica? Your sister is currently being stalked and threatened constantly. Once again, is this really the best time?
The next day, Tom gets a last-minute phone call from "Bob" right before he leaves for the big game. All we really gain from the scene is the knowledge that "Bob's" last name is also Hemphill. Look, we get it, okay? William White desperately needs a phone book if he can only think of one last name to use.
The whole gang (minus Tom, of course) gathers at Dickenson Hall to wait for Winston to drive the minivan over. Winston himself will be driving the Brainmobile, which he's frantically packing with all of the Braino props. Winston, this is why normal people pack more than five minutes before departure. As he's searching for the Official Braino Football, he gets conked on the head and goes unconscious. Meanwhile, Jessica comes to give him Elizabeth's super-special foil letters, and also gets conked on the head. This entire book is starting to make me feel like I've been conked on the head.
At last "Winston" shows up at Dickenson Hall with the minivan, but he's speaking hoarsely and acting strange. He tells everyone that Jessica is staying behind. It doesn't actually say he's wearing his Braino mask, but I sure hope so, because otherwise this group is not just stupid, but extra super-duper stupid. With sprinkles. They pack up the minivan and head off to the game while "Winston" goes back to the Brainmobile.
I skim past six full pages of Tom angsting about his dead family.
Denise and "Winston" do their Braino act, but "Winston" sucks at it. Denise assumes that his bizarre behavior just means that he doesn't like sharing the spotlight and storms off, and I wonder for the thirty-seven millionth time why no one ever learns anything in these books.
Tom and his teammates prepare to run out on the field after Braino kicks the Official Braino Football, which makes me laugh because that means William (ooh, hope I didn't spoil anything!) actually bothered to find the football before he left in the Brainmobile. Tom sees all his friends cheering and gets the warm fuzzies, because I guess even Tom is shocked that friends support each other. It's good that he keeps his expectations low, I guess.
In the stands, Tom's super-supportive friends apparently get bored and start debating whether Superman or Batman is smarter. Excuse me? Did Superman invent bat shark repellent? I don't think so. Game over. Suddenly, Tom gets tackled and has to be taken off the field on a stretcher. The gang spends about half a page dithering about who'll stay and who'll go check on Tom, which seriously kills the suspense.
It turns out Tom hurt his ankle and hit his head, but he's in the locker room so Liz stays outside while Danny and Noah go in to see him. Once together, they figure out that they've all spoken to men named Hemphill, but only one of those men isn't an insane murderer. Can you, the reader at home, guess which one?
The guys actually display signs of intelligence by realizing all is not well, and quickly tell Elizabeth to go back to campus with "Winston" in the Brainmobile. Yes, Liz. Now that you're in mortal danger, go with the masked man who's been acting strangely while we stay here and do...what exactly? Oh, forget it. Whatever gets us through the book faster.
"Winston" drags her to the Brainmobile, and while he drives she begins talking about how Tom is such a great athlete, is a remarkable journalist, and presumably has cured five different types of cancer. She honestly goes on and on about him. "Winston" snorts, and I frankly agree. Liz, no one wants to hear you gush about your stupid boyfriend, okay? Zip it. She doesn't take the hint, though, and "Winston" suddenly snaps. He says Tom is a loser, and he was supposed to ride back with her friends in the minivan so that he'd die along with them. By the time he starts screaming about not being insane, Liz starts to realize that maybe this isn't really Winston after all.
The rest of the group goes back to the minivan to drive back to SVU, still convinced that Todd's behind everything. I would think that William choosing the name of one of the doctor's at the mental institution might have tipped them off by now, but alas, no. As they get in, they hear a weird noise and find Winston-the real one-bound and gagged in the luggage compartment. He tells them he has no idea what's going on, and Danny gets mad at him. "Danny felt like shaking Winston. Didn't he have any idea how serious this was?" Er, no, Danny. You see, he's been bound and gagged in the luggage compartment the whole time. So he's not exactly up to speed at this point.
At this point they realize that they sent Elizabeth off with a fake Winston, and the chase is on. Along a long, windy stretch of road with lots of hairpin turns and steep mountain drop-offs. Not that that's going to be relevant or anything.
Meanwhile, Jessica is locked up in a closet, yelling for help. She hears footsteps and gets nervous, wondering if whoever put her there is coming back to finish her off. Now, normally this is where I'd say that knocking someone out and locking them up and then waiting to kill them later is a stupid idea, but on second thought...
The footsteps get closer, then someone lets her out and disappears before she can find them. I'm kind of amused that Sweet Valley has both good stalkers and bad stalkers, kind of like the witches in The Wizard of Oz.
In the Brainmobile (which, by the way, is about the worst possible location for a dramatic scene), William-for indeed it is he-is going on and on about his plot to kill all of Elizabeth's friends and frame Todd for her murder while he takes her to Switzerland. No! Anywhere but Switzerland! He adds that he has to remember to kill Celine before they leave, and Elizabeth finally figures out that maybe it wasn't Todd that tried to kill her. She's slow, but she gets there. Eventually. In her own time.
Realizing that she has to act, Elizabeth grabs the Braino mask and twists it around so William can't see. He screams that she's insane before crashing the Brainmobile into the side of a cliff, "killing" William but leaving Elizabeth completely unharmed. She "reached out with a curious, detached floating feeling and pulled off the mask. She placed her hand under William's chin and gently turned his face toward hers. He stared at her with blank, unseeing eyes. 'Don't ever call me insane,' she said quietly."
Um, guys? Are we totally and completely positive Margo didn't switch places with Elizabeth? Because I'm going to have to ask for a recount here.
Todd pulls her out of the car and explains that he followed them to the game in a stolen Jeep and then tailed the Brainmobile when she left. He also happens to be wearing a Braino mask, which I'm sure isn't traumatizing to her at all.
The rest of their friends catch up to them in the minivan, but when Danny tries to slow down to pull in behind the Brainmobile, the minivan fails to stop and they crash into it, sending it over the edge of a cliff. Boom goes the Brainmobile, and I'm sure this time the car crash really did kill William! Oh, right. Never mind. They realize the brakes have been cut. Oh noes! And they're on long, windy stretch of road with lots of hairpin turns and steep mountain drop-offs!
Tom asks Danny why the minivan is picking up speed, and Danny explains that they're going downhill. You see, Tom, that's how gravity works. Danny says they have no options, but I disagree. What about shutting off the engine? The emergency brake? Steer against something and use the friction to slow them down? Wait until the tank runs out of gas, like in the cartoons? They haven't tried any of these, so how does Danny know they're just plain screwed?
Todd and Elizabeth are following them in the Jeep when Todd remembers that there's a ranch nearby with a private road. He's got a plan, and I hope it's better than the brilliant "attack the cops and run" plan he had earlier.
Danny looks at Isabella and thinks about how beautiful she is, then vows that he'll tell her so every day if they survive. I kind of think he should be watching the road, what with being the driver and all. He notices that Todd and Elizabeth are trying to pass him, while Liz tries to shout something at them. Tom tells Danny not to let Todd past because, I guess, maybe he's afraid that if they let crazystalkerTodd in front of them he'll drive slow with his blinker on or something? Don't know. And apparently it never occurs to him that whatever Liz has to say may not be completely irrelevant.
On second thought, maybe he's got a point on that one.
At last the others finally figure out that maybe Elizabeth is trying to tell them to follow the Jeep, and Tom tells Danny to let him pass. "Right now they had two choices-trust Todd Wilkins or die." I soooo want "Trust Todd Wilkins or Die" on a T-shirt.
Todd leads them to the private drive, which takes them uphill instead of downhill. The minivan starts slowing down, and Tom and Danny realize everyone will have to jump before the van slows down enough to start rolling backward. But there's no reason the van has to roll downhill. The brakes may not work, but the accelerator does. They could just roll forward at half a mile per hour and hop out, right? Wait, I'm less than twenty pages from the end. Why the hell am I still calling the technical fouls at this point?
Everyone jumps out of the van except Danny and Tom. Danny is too scared to let go of the wheel, so Tom punches him out and pulls him out of the van just in time. You know, there have been two different punches in this book and not one of them involved Todd. I feel betrayed, frankly. Tom hits his head when he hits the ground and passes out.
Several days later, Tom wakes up in the hospital. Elizabeth explains that everyone survived, but Denise and Winston resigned from being Brainos because they thought it was too dangerous. Guys, it's only dangerous if William White knocks one of you out and takes your place. I'd like to think that only happens once every few years or so, so you should be fine through graduation. Seriously, I'm actually kind of annoyed by this. The ghostwriter made a great big damn deal about how great it was that Denise and Winston found something they could do together, and how much fun they had with it, and how much closer it brought them. And then they just quit?
I guess I shouldn't be too upset. I mean, continuity being what it is, it would probably be forgotten by the next book, anyway.
Elizabeth fills Tom in on the rest of the story, including the part about-ha, ha-Todd not really being a crazed stalker after all. Oh, and Celine is recovering well. Not that anyone really cares.
Mr. Raymond, William White's family lawyer, enters the hospital room and informs Elizabeth that she is the beneficiary of William's entire estate. Enter the next book, College Cruise.
So there it is. Trust Todd Wilkins or Die, y'all!
When I saw that this book was on the list of Strangerface's not-yet-recapped books, I couldn't believe it. I mean, it's William White. William White. They're hilarious all on their own, let alone 1bruce1 mockery! briar_lily posted an awesome recap of it earlier, but I had already started mine and figured two couldn't hurt, right?
So here it is. The William White story that takes place after the crazy racist fraternity storyline but before the crazy virtual reality and crazy secret library lair storyline. Rest assured, there will be plenty of crazy in this one, too.
Based only on clothes and hair-and this is Sweet Valley, so assumptions based on surface appearance are totally okay-I assume Jessica is on the left and Elizabeth is on the right. I think they're supposed to look scared, but Jessica just looks bored and Elizabeth looks like she's trying to remember if she remembered to turn the oven off before she left.
Before we start, I just wanted to point out that this book takes place shortly after SVU #11: Take Back the Night, in which Lila and Bruce finally get rescued, and yet there is not one single mention of either of them throughout this book. Even when there's talk of "all the friends" getting together to do stuff. I am pissed off like you wouldn't believe about this. Thank God for Crazy William, or this book would have been beyond redemption in my eyes.
The book starts with Elizabeth trying to cheer Jessica up now that the trial over her attempted rape is over. She tells her that Tom is going to take them both out to brunch at The Green Duck (snort), and "you'll hurt his feelings if you don't look like you're having fun. You know how sensitive he is." Really? Mr. Sensitive will be upset if the sexual assault victim doesn't put on a happy face for his benefit? Tom Watts is a special kind of awful. Jessica apparently feels differently, however, and the two agree that Liz is lucky to have him. Whatevs.
As the twins get ready to leave, the ghostwriter lobs a wall of exposition at us explaining that Elizabeth is having nightmares about being stalked by William. The book immediately switches to her recently-received note, "Make but my name thy love, and love that still, And then thou lov'st me, for my name is Will." Elizabeth has "theories" about who is sending her notes, but isn't sure. Um. Liz? The stalker just straight-up told you his name. Do you need to see two forms of photo ID first or what?
Next we get the usual same-but-different spiel, in which we learn that "most of [Jessica's] experiences with men had not turned out as well as Elizabeth's relationship with Tom Watts." "Most"? Name me one of Jessica's relationships that turned out well. Chick's a tragedy magnet, remember?
Tom arrives, and we're immediately treated to another wall of exposition before they leave for brunch. This one is about how his whole family tragically died in a car crash on the way to one of his football games, prompting him to quit the team and join the WSVU TV station. Jeez, it's sad that Tom's family died, but why does the TV station have to suffer for it?
Look! It's William! Now this book can really get started! He's in a mental institution and plotting how he's going to get Elizabeth. First he plans to kill Tom and all of her friends, whom he names individually, including "Enid, or Alexandra, or whatever she was calling herself these days." I love that even Crazy William thinks the AlexEnid thing is stupid.
While he's working through his To-Do List of Death, an orderly named Andrea comes into his room to give him the bed check schedule and her car keys. She's described as both "plain" and "bovine." Of course. Anyone who isn't gorgeous and think is just a tool to be used, after all. Apparently William has convinced her that he's a counterterrorism agent imprisoned as part of some government conspiracy. This girl is excruciatingly gullible. Makes me wonder if she lets "George Clooney" down the hall out for movie premieres.
Now we switch to Todd, who runs into some guy named Henry who went to Big Mesa. First mistake, Todd. Nothing good ever came out of Big Mesa. Henry gushes all about how great Todd is at basketball, and Todd carefully avoids telling him that he was kicked off the team for some random scandal I don't care about. Henry buys him a cup of coffee and gets him to reminisce until Todd realizes he's going to be late for class. Henry gives him his car keys and tells him to drive there, then come back and drop off the car at the coffee shop. Todd just kind of accepts that this is normal. Todd deserves what he gets for this.
Alex (y'know, NewEnid) and her boyfriend Noah are having coffee across from The Green Duck when they see Tom, Elizabeth, and Jessica go in for brunch. Noah asks if it's someone's birthday, and Alex says no. When Noah asks if she's sure, she replies that she and Liz were best friends through high school, so she definitely knows when Liz's birthday is. Yeah, after about the 500th (or however many years SVH lasted) Sweet Sixteen, it becomes hard to forget.
Suddenly, Todd arrives in Henry's car, veers off the road, and slams into some parked cars. The police arrive almost immediately-I can only assume they were having brunch at The Green Duck, too-and ask him if he's been drinking. Todd says he wasn't and tries to explain that there was something wrong with the steering wheel, but then one of the officers says the car was reported stolen and Todd is arrested. See, Todd? I told you so. Liz (who saw everything through a window) and Alex head to the police station.
After they leave, Noah is upset because he thinks Alex is more interested in Todd than in him. He's worried that she's attracted to all of Todd's drama, and figures he's too boring to stand a chance. Cheer up, Noah. You could always start punching people indiscriminately.
Meanwhile, William (who was "Henry") is watching the aftermath of the crash and thinking about how easy it was to fool Todd. Don't get cocky, William. You weren't exactly going up against Stephen Hawking, here. Not to mention the huge risk you took by assuming the Sweet Valley Police Department would display any degree of competence.
Celine obsesses over William. Yawn.
Tom is driving Jessica home, but she's still depressed. Tom thinks it was the scene at brunch that upset her. I think Tom's an insensitive moron. He stops at a park to try to cheer her up, but instead he ends up playing football with some kids and rambling about "bad apples" on the football team. Which of course reminds Jessica of the football player who tried to rape her. Fail, Tom. Fail.
At the police station, Liz and Alex split the cost of Todd's bail. Todd's lawyer asks them if Todd has a history of mental problems. I burst out laughing. Liz tells Alex that Todd has been leaving her weird notes and doing other creepy things to get her attention. When Alex asks her how she knows it's Todd, Liz replies, "Who else would it be?" Who else? Gee, would you like the list in chronological or alphabetical order?
Later on, Tom and Danny are lifting weights in their dorm room when Tom says he's "not getting any satisfaction" from his workouts, so Danny suggests that he misses the physical contact of football, and I promise I will not make any references to homoeroticism in football. I'm just going stand over here and smirk a little.
Anyway. Tom conveniently gets a phone call immediately after Danny leaves, and it's a freelance producer named Bob who wants Tom to rejoin the football team as an undercover reporter to get the inside story on all of the recent sports scandals at SVU. He tells Tom to keep quiet about the story so the players will feel comfortable talking to him. Tom decides that this mysterious stranger that he's never spoken to or heard of before has a good point and decides to rejoin the team.
Winston is in his room, eating bagels with his girlfriend Denise, when he sees a story in the newspaper about auditions for the SVU mascot, called-brace yourself-Braino. That's right. Rhymes with the drain cleaner. Apparently the mascot wears a mask that covers the top of the head, eyes, and mouth, and gets to drive the Brainmobile to away games. I am very sorry to say that this will all be relevant later. Denise convinces Winston to try out for the part.
William skulks around campus in disguise, just generally being creepy but not really doing much. I still like his scenes better than anyone else's.
Elizabeth is mad at Tom for rejoining the football team. They argue, and Tom doesn't tell her about the producer and the undercover story. I'm not sure why; "Bob" told him to keep quiet to the other football players, not to everyone in general. Maybe Tom's just accepted that this is how these plots always work. She storms out and back to her dorm room, where she finds a mutilated Ken doll and a scared-looking Barbie doll. This somehow makes her convinced that Todd is the stalker and, again, I'm not sure why. Maybe Elizabeth has finally made the same Todd/Ken doll connection the rest of us made a long time ago.
She goes over to Todd's dorm to confront him, and feels reassured to see he's calm and relaxed. I don't know; I'm actually more frightened by a Todd who isn't incoherent with rage. He's packing up his things because he's been suspended from SVU, and plans to move into a room over a bar in exchange for working there. He's obviously confused when she asks him about the dolls, but apparently this does not shake her conviction that he's the only person who could ever conceivably stalk her.
Later, Jess and Liz talk about Tom and the football team. Elizabeth asks, "Does he really believe I'm so judgmental that I think nobody should ever play a sport because some guys on the team are jerks?" I don't know about Tom, but that pretty much sums up my opinion. Well put, Liz.
The twins walk into their dorm room to find two identical Barbie dolls splashed with red paint with their arms and legs broken. Elizabeth tells Jessica that it must be Todd that's been stalking her, and Jessica suggests it might be William White instead.
Hit the brakes. Did Jessica Wakefield just say something really smart? I...I think she did. Why don't we all just let that sink in for a moment, okay?
Since we've still got more than two hundred pages to go, Elizabeth fails to listen and insists that it's Todd because "I'd rather have Todd stalking me than William White."
Right. Okay then. That's not stupid at all, Liz.
Jessica convinces her to call the mental institution, but she's told William can't come to the phone. Both girls are now convinced that proves William White can't be the stalker. It doesn't occur to either of them that maybe he can't come to the phone because he's busy stabbing Barbie dolls and leaving them in dorm rooms.
It turns out the person Elizabeth talked to was Andrea, and she's been withholding William's phone messages from Celine out of jealousy. Is Andrea the only orderly at the institution? Or just the only orderly who knows how to answer the phone? Why am I even wondering about this?
Celine is shelving books at the campus library and finds William in the basement. He asks her to get rid of his wheelchair for him, then smashes the light with his fist and leaves. He may be an evil genius, but he still needs to learn how to operate a light switch.
Tom and Elizabeth argue again, but she finally agrees to support his choice. He still doesn't tell her the truth, though, because lying to loved ones has always served people well in these books.
Celine comes back to her apartment to find a Barbie doll with duct tape on its mouth.
Okay, time out. I want you all to do something with me. Close your eyes and visualize a busy Toys 'R' Us. Something by Hannah Montana is playing over the sound system, little kids are running around and screaming, and there are people with plastic nametags selling loud electronic toys to frazzled parents.
Now, standing in a long line at a cash register is William White, looking kind of crazy but holding it together because he's in public. His arms are overloaded with hot pink Barbie doll boxes, stacked so high they almost reach the top of his head.
Seriously, imagine it. Hannah Montana. Screaming kids. William White. Barbies.
Awesome.
Celine, realizing that Andrea isn't passing along her messages, decides to visit William at the institution in person.
Danny and Tom are talking about Elizabeth. Tom says she understands now, but there's "a distance. You know. A gap. A gulf. Something we can't seem to bridge." I know absolutely no guys that talk like this.
A jealous Andrea tells William that he has a visitor, but he convinces her that Celine is a fellow operative. He thinks that she's "unbelievably, irredeemably stupid." I'm kind of with William on this. Celine flirts with William, who isn't impressed, and Andrea catches them kissing. Can we skip to the stalking and killing and maniacal laughter now?
Someone named Tim Hemphill calls Danny and suggests that he and all of his friends surprise Tom at the football game by showing up to cheer for him. I find it indescribably sad that "Tim" needs to explain to Danny that supporting his best friend = a Good Thing.
If you haven't guessed, "Tim" is William White. The ghostwriter makes it obvious by shifting POV to him at the end of the conversation, just in time for Andrea to return from escorting Celine out. She's furious with him for lying to her, and calls him a lunatic. He yells that he's not and pounds the desk with his fist, which doesn't really help his case. Just to prove that he's completely sane, he strangles her to death. Guess that showed her, huh?
William steals some clothes and money from a locker and escapes by punching an orderly and jumping through a window. He steals a car, and with security on his tail he drives it out to "a rickety bridge...that spanned a deep gorge." You know where this is going, right? Yup. He jumps out of the car just as it goes into the gorge, followed by the obligatory explosion. He doubles back to the institution because "they wouldn't be looking for him there." But they've still got guards there, right? I mean, surely they wouldn't be stupid enough to send every single member of their security personnel after a single escaped-you know what? Never mind. They probably are that stupid.
The next morning, Elizabeth and Jessica are talking about William's "death," which they read about in the newspaper. I can just imagine the headline: "No body found after exhaustive ten minute search; SVPD get bored and go home." Tom shows up to comfort Liz, and they all go out for breakfast. Apparently morning meals are the cure-all for traumatic experiences now.
Later, while Elizabeth watches Tom practice with the team, Danny tells her about his plan to take her, Isabella, Jessica, Maia, Denise, Winston, Nina, and Bryan on a road trip to the big SVU vs. State football game in a minivan. It sounds more like a clown car to me. Liz, like Danny, is completely blown away by the thought that Tom might appreciate his friends' support during the game. What shitty friends.
Denise is helping Winston practice for the Braino tryouts. Winston is worried that the role will go to a girl instead, since there's never been a female Braino before. You know, Winston, you do have options if that's the angle you want to go for.
Elizabeth freaks out when Todd approaches her to talk, then later finds a decapitated Ken doll in her room. She calls campus security because...it's illegal to talk to someone shortly before they find mutilated dolls in their room? I still have no idea what evidence Liz is basing her suspicions on. Maybe her Magic 8-Ball told her so?
Celine finds William in the library again. They drink champagne in celebration of his escape, but Celine is shocked to discover that he's more interested in Elizabeth. Um, it's not like he's made it a secret or anything. Anyway, Celine loses consciousness as she realizes that William put something in her champagne. Jeez, if you can't trust an insane murderous racist stalker who leaves threatening notes and dolls in your room, who can you trust?
Todd is working at the bar, but he's disappointed because he expected it to be glamorous. Aww. I bet Todd used to watch Cocktail five times a day. He sees "Henry" talking to Joe, his boss, but Joe stops him before he can chase after him. Joe says that "Henry" is the one who set Todd up with the job and the room, then tells Todd to go up to his room and rest. He goes upstairs, but finds it less than restful when he practically trips over Celine's body. Of course, the SVPD choose exactly that moment to show up to question him about stalking Elizabeth, and Todd decides that his best course of action is to...rush the police officers and run away. Well, that's certainly going to help his case.
Danny tells the rest of the gang about his road trip plan. Maia says she's not comfortable going to a football game, what with Being recently raped by a football player and all, but everyone else is pretty much, "Don't be a buzzkill, okay?" Yeah, Maia. You're just lucky Super-Sensitive Tom isn't here.
William is reading the paper and learns about Celine's attempted murder. He isn't pleased that Celine survived. I'm picturing him like Sideshow Bob, saying, "Attempted murder? Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?" He calls the hospital and asks which room she's in. When asked who he is, he affects a southern accent-mid-conversation, I might add-and pretends to be her brother to get information.
Jessica and Elizabeth are also upset about the attempted murder, and Elizabeth can't believe Todd would do try to kill someone. Jessica tells her, "We both know what alcohol can do to people." It turns out she's referring to her attempted rape, and I'm disappointed because for a second I thought we were getting a Jungle Prom reference.
Tom shows up at their dorm, and the twins fill him in on the notes, dolls, and "Todd's" stalking. Tom wants her to get police protection, but Elizabeth refuses. I don't blame her; Sweet Valley Police are a joke when they aren't being manipulated by William White.
Winston auditions for the part of Braino with Denise's assistance, and they both get the part as joint Brainos. I am already over that name.
William shows up at the hospital in a brown wig so that anyone who sees him will think he's Todd. There's no mention of coffee-colored contact lenses, though, so his cover's blown before he even starts. He does the "knock out a janitor and take his clothes" bit and tries to turn off Celine's respirator, but a nurse walks in before he can finish and he escapes.
Tom "slyly" interviews his teammates about the scandals and their effect on morale, and we get a preachy little PSA about doing the right thing is good and raping people is bad. In case you didn't know that.
Alexandra and Elizabeth talk about how shocked they are that Todd tried to kill Celine twice. Elizabeth says, "Todd has always been fair, compassionate, kind, and-until recently-even-tempered." What? Which Todd are you talking about, Liz? Because I think there must be more than one. Suddenly, Alexandra gets mad at Elizabeth for thinking Todd might be innocent. She tells her to take some precautions, then turns and stalks away. Um, one of those precautions might involve not being left alone and vulnerable, Alexandra. But you go ahead and wander off, leaving Elizabeth to her doom.
Winston and Denise are goofing off in his room. Winston tells Denise he's glad they finally have something in common, and Denise argues they have lots in common. Like...eating. Seriously, that's the best she could come up with. Winston, only half-kidding, proposes but she laughs it off and he feels sad. Aww, now I feel sorry for the poor guy. I'll marry you, Winston! I like eating, too!
Danny tells "Tim" about the plan to drive everyone to the game in the minivan. Man, hasn't even one person recognized William's voice yet?
The big game is the next day, and lots of people are wearing those damn Braino masks. Including William, which I find kind of hilarious. He's beginning to think that maybe killing all of Elizabeth's friends might make her mad, and decides to let Jessica live. See, that's the kind of thoughtfulness that really makes a girl melt.
Todd is lurking around Sweet Valley, trying to stay hidden while working out what's going on. He sees a bunch of mutilated Barbie dolls outside Liz's door and starts putting things together. He calls her and tries to convince her that someone else is behind everything, but she only pretends to believe him so she can find out where he is. Todd actually realizes this and hangs up. He also realizes that he's partly to blame for his problems, thanks to his bad choices and drinking. Somewhere along the way, Todd picked up about 50 extra IQ points.
Noah discusses the situation with a doctor at the mental institute, which doesn't really add much to the plot. It's only really relevant because the doctor's last name is Hemphill. You know, like "Tim." Apparently William isn't clever enough to come up with a fake last name on his own.
Elizabeth, Jessica, and Alexandra are hanging out in the twin's room. Liz doesn't want to tell Tom about the latest set of Barbies, and Alexandra accuses her of having a martyr complex. Alexandra, you've known her how long? And you've just figured it out? Next we get yet another wall of exposition about how Alexandra met Noah. We're getting into the climax of the story. Is this really the best time?
Next Liz decides she wants to do something extra-special for Tom to make up for not telling him about being stalked, so she comes up with...a message in foil letters across the back of the Brainmobile. Try harder, Liz.
That night, when the twins are going to bed, Jessica starts complaining about how most of their friends are in relationships. Jessica? Your sister is currently being stalked and threatened constantly. Once again, is this really the best time?
The next day, Tom gets a last-minute phone call from "Bob" right before he leaves for the big game. All we really gain from the scene is the knowledge that "Bob's" last name is also Hemphill. Look, we get it, okay? William White desperately needs a phone book if he can only think of one last name to use.
The whole gang (minus Tom, of course) gathers at Dickenson Hall to wait for Winston to drive the minivan over. Winston himself will be driving the Brainmobile, which he's frantically packing with all of the Braino props. Winston, this is why normal people pack more than five minutes before departure. As he's searching for the Official Braino Football, he gets conked on the head and goes unconscious. Meanwhile, Jessica comes to give him Elizabeth's super-special foil letters, and also gets conked on the head. This entire book is starting to make me feel like I've been conked on the head.
At last "Winston" shows up at Dickenson Hall with the minivan, but he's speaking hoarsely and acting strange. He tells everyone that Jessica is staying behind. It doesn't actually say he's wearing his Braino mask, but I sure hope so, because otherwise this group is not just stupid, but extra super-duper stupid. With sprinkles. They pack up the minivan and head off to the game while "Winston" goes back to the Brainmobile.
I skim past six full pages of Tom angsting about his dead family.
Denise and "Winston" do their Braino act, but "Winston" sucks at it. Denise assumes that his bizarre behavior just means that he doesn't like sharing the spotlight and storms off, and I wonder for the thirty-seven millionth time why no one ever learns anything in these books.
Tom and his teammates prepare to run out on the field after Braino kicks the Official Braino Football, which makes me laugh because that means William (ooh, hope I didn't spoil anything!) actually bothered to find the football before he left in the Brainmobile. Tom sees all his friends cheering and gets the warm fuzzies, because I guess even Tom is shocked that friends support each other. It's good that he keeps his expectations low, I guess.
In the stands, Tom's super-supportive friends apparently get bored and start debating whether Superman or Batman is smarter. Excuse me? Did Superman invent bat shark repellent? I don't think so. Game over. Suddenly, Tom gets tackled and has to be taken off the field on a stretcher. The gang spends about half a page dithering about who'll stay and who'll go check on Tom, which seriously kills the suspense.
It turns out Tom hurt his ankle and hit his head, but he's in the locker room so Liz stays outside while Danny and Noah go in to see him. Once together, they figure out that they've all spoken to men named Hemphill, but only one of those men isn't an insane murderer. Can you, the reader at home, guess which one?
The guys actually display signs of intelligence by realizing all is not well, and quickly tell Elizabeth to go back to campus with "Winston" in the Brainmobile. Yes, Liz. Now that you're in mortal danger, go with the masked man who's been acting strangely while we stay here and do...what exactly? Oh, forget it. Whatever gets us through the book faster.
"Winston" drags her to the Brainmobile, and while he drives she begins talking about how Tom is such a great athlete, is a remarkable journalist, and presumably has cured five different types of cancer. She honestly goes on and on about him. "Winston" snorts, and I frankly agree. Liz, no one wants to hear you gush about your stupid boyfriend, okay? Zip it. She doesn't take the hint, though, and "Winston" suddenly snaps. He says Tom is a loser, and he was supposed to ride back with her friends in the minivan so that he'd die along with them. By the time he starts screaming about not being insane, Liz starts to realize that maybe this isn't really Winston after all.
The rest of the group goes back to the minivan to drive back to SVU, still convinced that Todd's behind everything. I would think that William choosing the name of one of the doctor's at the mental institution might have tipped them off by now, but alas, no. As they get in, they hear a weird noise and find Winston-the real one-bound and gagged in the luggage compartment. He tells them he has no idea what's going on, and Danny gets mad at him. "Danny felt like shaking Winston. Didn't he have any idea how serious this was?" Er, no, Danny. You see, he's been bound and gagged in the luggage compartment the whole time. So he's not exactly up to speed at this point.
At this point they realize that they sent Elizabeth off with a fake Winston, and the chase is on. Along a long, windy stretch of road with lots of hairpin turns and steep mountain drop-offs. Not that that's going to be relevant or anything.
Meanwhile, Jessica is locked up in a closet, yelling for help. She hears footsteps and gets nervous, wondering if whoever put her there is coming back to finish her off. Now, normally this is where I'd say that knocking someone out and locking them up and then waiting to kill them later is a stupid idea, but on second thought...
The footsteps get closer, then someone lets her out and disappears before she can find them. I'm kind of amused that Sweet Valley has both good stalkers and bad stalkers, kind of like the witches in The Wizard of Oz.
In the Brainmobile (which, by the way, is about the worst possible location for a dramatic scene), William-for indeed it is he-is going on and on about his plot to kill all of Elizabeth's friends and frame Todd for her murder while he takes her to Switzerland. No! Anywhere but Switzerland! He adds that he has to remember to kill Celine before they leave, and Elizabeth finally figures out that maybe it wasn't Todd that tried to kill her. She's slow, but she gets there. Eventually. In her own time.
Realizing that she has to act, Elizabeth grabs the Braino mask and twists it around so William can't see. He screams that she's insane before crashing the Brainmobile into the side of a cliff, "killing" William but leaving Elizabeth completely unharmed. She "reached out with a curious, detached floating feeling and pulled off the mask. She placed her hand under William's chin and gently turned his face toward hers. He stared at her with blank, unseeing eyes. 'Don't ever call me insane,' she said quietly."
Um, guys? Are we totally and completely positive Margo didn't switch places with Elizabeth? Because I'm going to have to ask for a recount here.
Todd pulls her out of the car and explains that he followed them to the game in a stolen Jeep and then tailed the Brainmobile when she left. He also happens to be wearing a Braino mask, which I'm sure isn't traumatizing to her at all.
The rest of their friends catch up to them in the minivan, but when Danny tries to slow down to pull in behind the Brainmobile, the minivan fails to stop and they crash into it, sending it over the edge of a cliff. Boom goes the Brainmobile, and I'm sure this time the car crash really did kill William! Oh, right. Never mind. They realize the brakes have been cut. Oh noes! And they're on long, windy stretch of road with lots of hairpin turns and steep mountain drop-offs!
Tom asks Danny why the minivan is picking up speed, and Danny explains that they're going downhill. You see, Tom, that's how gravity works. Danny says they have no options, but I disagree. What about shutting off the engine? The emergency brake? Steer against something and use the friction to slow them down? Wait until the tank runs out of gas, like in the cartoons? They haven't tried any of these, so how does Danny know they're just plain screwed?
Todd and Elizabeth are following them in the Jeep when Todd remembers that there's a ranch nearby with a private road. He's got a plan, and I hope it's better than the brilliant "attack the cops and run" plan he had earlier.
Danny looks at Isabella and thinks about how beautiful she is, then vows that he'll tell her so every day if they survive. I kind of think he should be watching the road, what with being the driver and all. He notices that Todd and Elizabeth are trying to pass him, while Liz tries to shout something at them. Tom tells Danny not to let Todd past because, I guess, maybe he's afraid that if they let crazystalkerTodd in front of them he'll drive slow with his blinker on or something? Don't know. And apparently it never occurs to him that whatever Liz has to say may not be completely irrelevant.
On second thought, maybe he's got a point on that one.
At last the others finally figure out that maybe Elizabeth is trying to tell them to follow the Jeep, and Tom tells Danny to let him pass. "Right now they had two choices-trust Todd Wilkins or die." I soooo want "Trust Todd Wilkins or Die" on a T-shirt.
Todd leads them to the private drive, which takes them uphill instead of downhill. The minivan starts slowing down, and Tom and Danny realize everyone will have to jump before the van slows down enough to start rolling backward. But there's no reason the van has to roll downhill. The brakes may not work, but the accelerator does. They could just roll forward at half a mile per hour and hop out, right? Wait, I'm less than twenty pages from the end. Why the hell am I still calling the technical fouls at this point?
Everyone jumps out of the van except Danny and Tom. Danny is too scared to let go of the wheel, so Tom punches him out and pulls him out of the van just in time. You know, there have been two different punches in this book and not one of them involved Todd. I feel betrayed, frankly. Tom hits his head when he hits the ground and passes out.
Several days later, Tom wakes up in the hospital. Elizabeth explains that everyone survived, but Denise and Winston resigned from being Brainos because they thought it was too dangerous. Guys, it's only dangerous if William White knocks one of you out and takes your place. I'd like to think that only happens once every few years or so, so you should be fine through graduation. Seriously, I'm actually kind of annoyed by this. The ghostwriter made a great big damn deal about how great it was that Denise and Winston found something they could do together, and how much fun they had with it, and how much closer it brought them. And then they just quit?
I guess I shouldn't be too upset. I mean, continuity being what it is, it would probably be forgotten by the next book, anyway.
Elizabeth fills Tom in on the rest of the story, including the part about-ha, ha-Todd not really being a crazed stalker after all. Oh, and Celine is recovering well. Not that anyone really cares.
Mr. Raymond, William White's family lawyer, enters the hospital room and informs Elizabeth that she is the beneficiary of William's entire estate. Enter the next book, College Cruise.
So there it is. Trust Todd Wilkins or Die, y'all!