Sweet Valley Kids #66: And the Winner Is... Jessica Wakefield!
Sweet Valley Kids #66: And the Winner Is… Jessica Wakefield!
My thoughts on the title? Of course the winner is Jessica Wakefield. The other option is Elizabeth Wakefield.
Jessica is the narrator of this book. I don’t remember the earlier books being told from first person perspective so this always throws me. The Wakefields are having a “family meeting”. I imagine Ned with a gavel and powdered wig, pretending to have authority. “Order! Order in the Split Level Ranch!” Jessica says they are not usually fun, but this time they are going to decide where they go on their family vacation.
Jessica gives the “alike but different” spiel. She actually says that “Elizabeth likes school and homework! I hate homework!” CANON! Despite these differences, Liz and Jess (and even Steven) are in agreement about where they want to go on vacation: Fantasy Forest. I assume the ghostwriter intends Fantasy Forest to be the same amusement park as Enchanted Forest, where Liz has her hilarious LSD dream in middle school. Or maybe Fantasy Forest is like the Disney World to Enchanted Forest’s DisneyLand.
Even though the three kids are all in agreement, Alice and Ned are like “Um, no, Fantasy Forest is where the drugs is. What else?” Liz suggests, and I quote, “a dude ranch.” Because she loves the dudes! Especially if they punch people! Steven wants to go to Los Angeles and see the Dodgers play. Ned says they are going to have a vote about it at the end of the week, which is silly because if they had a vote at the beginning it’d be three to two for Fantasy Forest. I guess Ned thinks this is like a presidential election and deserves campaigning time or something OR (more likely) he just wants to make his kids fight amongst themselves.
The next day, Liz and Jess are playing Go Fish, when the radio DJ (Jessica explains that “DJ” means “Disc Jockey”) announces a contest. The 101th caller will win a CD from the band “In-Line Lovers”, two radio station t-shirts, and a signed photo of the singer of In-Line Lovers, Kyle Smoothie. Yes, that’s his name. Also, we learn that In-Line Lovers are famous for their song “Your Rollerblades Left Skid Marks On My Heart.” No, I’m not making that up.
In my head, this band is totally fake and ironic like 2gether or something but the twins are just too stupid to get it. I bet this Kyle Smoothie fellow is played by Chris Farley’s brother. (RELATED ASIDE: I tried to convince my college roommate to use “U + Me = Us” as her first dance song at her wedding but she ended up being “serious” about it. I’m still depressed.)
Both twins call in. But it is Jessica who is caller 101. The DJ asks her if she’s familiar with the contest rules, of course she is not. Apparently, one must be thirteen-years-old to win a CD. Jessica is not 13. I can’t understand why you have to be 13. I could see 18-that’s age of majority. Or even 16 if it’s the age of consent in California. 13 is such a random number. This does not faze Jessica though, she says of course she’s thirteen and she’ll be by to pick up the prize within 48 hours!
Jessica tells Elizabeth that since they both called, half the prize is Liz’s and together they are 14 so of course it’s legit. Liz doesn’t exactly fall for this fuzzy math. So Jessica sweetens the pot. She says she’ll vote for Liz’s dude ranch idea if Liz goes to the station to collect the prize with her. How this will help, I do not know, she should ask someone over 13 to go to the station with her.
Jessica blabs to all her friends that she won an awesome prize. Liz is like, “Did you think of a plan where we can actually get the prize?” Details! Details!
Liz’s grand plan is to get Steven to collect the prize. Of course, Steven is only nine and he’s a boy. Personally, I think it’d be better for the twins to wear a trench coat and have one sit on top of the other’s shoulders. No one listens to me.
Jessica tells Steven that she’ll vote for the Dodgers if he agrees to do this. Steven reluctantly agrees. They make him wear Alice’s clothes and a funny hat, so he’ll look like a girl. They get almost to the radio station, when Steven spots Tina, a girl he likes, and he turns and runs. The twins are horrified, but I honestly think that’s the best move Steven could make. He'd never live that down. The twins try to convince Steven to go back but he’s not having any of it. Good for you, Steven. Grow a backbone, unlike Liz, who (during this fight) discovers that Jessica promised to vote for the Dodgers not the Dude Ranch. Instead of being pissed and telling Jessica she’s not going to help anymore, Liz the Doormat is like “Okay but as long as you’re sorry!” I’ve never seen Liz roll over so fast in all my life, and I’ve read a lot of these things!
Next, the twins ask their baby-sitter, Molly. Molly actually is thirteen and a girl. Why they didn’t ask her first, no one knows. But when Jessica tells Molly that she lied to the DJ and said she was thirteen, Molly tells her she won’t do it. She’s all “I can’t help you lie” and “honesty is the best policy” blah blah. Obviously, none of this gets through to Jessica or we’d never have a Sweet Valley book series!
Now Jessica’s 48 hours to claim the prize are almost over so she tells Liz that they have to go by themselves. I love how it’s not occurred to them to ask their parents about it. The girls put on some of their mom’s clothes and makeup, in an attempt to look older. From the way the ghostwriter describes Jessica putting on mascara, I assume she looks like Tammy Faye. Then they sneak out of the house without their mother knowing, because Alice doesn’t keep as good track of them as their babysitter does.
They go to the radio station in their silly get-ups. Everyone looks at them funny. Finally they meet the DJ-who is old and bald and doesn’t look anything like a movie star, to Jessica’s dismay-and he sort of gives them the fisheye, obviously not believing they are thirteen. Then he asks Jessica to fill out a form, that gives her name and telephone number. He goes back to “change the song” and calls someone on the phone. After this phone call, he gives the girls the prizes. Jessica thinks it was a fun adventure and Liz is like, “No it wasn’t.”
That evening, Jessica is excited about the prizes. Liz points out they can’t listen to the CD, or wear the shirts or hang up the photo, or their parents will want to know where they got it. Liz is so annoying. Of course Ned and Alice wouldn't notice stuff like that! Instead they just listen to the radio some more. The DJ announces that Jessica-and the other winners of this contest-have been entered to win the grand prize which is, wait for it… you’re going to be shocked… I know you’ll never think of it… a family vacation to Fantasy Forest! Incredible, right?
Jessica is like "ZOMG! I have to win!" Liz is like, “I hope you don’t because then we have to go down to the station and pretend to be thirteen again!” Jessica is like “WHATEVER. Haven’t you learned that I always get my way?”
The next day, Jessica makes Liz listen to the radio all afternoon. Liz wants to go to the park. Alice stops by their room and says “Are you girls going to be listening to the radio for the next ten minutes?” The girls are like “Yeah why?” And Alice is all “Oh, no reason I’m just a horrible liar and remember we have our family meeting soon! Anvil plot alert! BYE!”
Immediately thereafter, the DJ comes on and announces that… Norbert Carter won the vacation prize. They say Norbert has to call in to claim his prize, but he doesn’t because he’s obviously fictional. Then they pull another name, and it’s Jessica Wakefield! Jessica does the dance of joy and calls in for her prize. The DJ tells her she has to come claim it in the next half hour. Jessica is like, “Oh crap but I have a family meeting and my dad has a fake gavel and he’ll never let me out because court is not adjourned!”
Liz puts her foot down and says she’s not going to pretend to be thirteen again. She lectures Jessica about lying. I’d like to point out that Elizabeth has already done exactly what Jessica is preparing to do. Liz says she’ll go with Jessica because the twins aren’t really allowed to cross busy streets alone and she’s worried Jessica will get hit by a car. But she will not dress up again. MORAL OF THIS STORY: Aiding and abetting liars is okay, it just dressing up in drag that is bad.
They go to the radio station to claim the second prize from the DJ. He asks them what grade they are in and Liz says “Second grade.” The DJ is all “Oops, too bad. Second graders can’t win this prize.” Jessica is furious with Elizabeth and vows never to speak to her again.
Jessica and Elizabeth arrive back at the split level ranch. Alice is waiting for them and she looks angry. Then Ned drives up. The parents say they have something important they want to talk to the twins about. See, they spoke with the DJ and he told them everything. (“The Spin Master was a tattletale!” Jessica thinks.) Alice lists their offenses. They lied, they went downtown without permission, and they used her makeup and clothing. Ned tells them they are grounded. No TV or radio for a week. Then the twins are sent to their room.
… But when they get there, Fantasy Forest t-shirts and hats are on the beds! Ned and Alice appear in the doorway. All that “parenting” stuff earlier? OBVIOUSLY A JOKE. The Wakefields don’t parent for godsake. See, the DJ called Alice the previous day (after Jessica had so helpfully written down her phone number to claim the prize) and told Alice that these girls were obviously not thirteen and shouldn’t have been out on their own. So instead of yelling at the girls and saying “You could’ve died crossing busy streets yourselves! And you lied to us!” The Wakefields set up a little ruse. They made up the second contest, you know, just to give the girls another chance to be hit by a car or something. If they lied again, they wouldn’t be allowed to go to Fantasy Forest. But if they came clean and told the truth, they can go.
So thanks to Saint Liz’s blabbermouth the Wakefields are going to Fantasy Forest! And everyone is happy. Except parenting enthusiasts.
Oddly, instead of a preview for the next SVK book it says the twins are going on vacation for the summer and look out for a new series called “Welcome to Sweet Valley.” Since this was published in April 1996, I think the new series they are referencing became “Team Sweet Valley" which came out that year. "Welcome to Sweet Valley" is kind of a better title though. Books could be like "Welcome to Sweet Valley... on your left a split level ranch with Spanish title. On your right, a totally awesome Porsche. Notice the classy paper cups!"
My thoughts on the title? Of course the winner is Jessica Wakefield. The other option is Elizabeth Wakefield.
Jessica is the narrator of this book. I don’t remember the earlier books being told from first person perspective so this always throws me. The Wakefields are having a “family meeting”. I imagine Ned with a gavel and powdered wig, pretending to have authority. “Order! Order in the Split Level Ranch!” Jessica says they are not usually fun, but this time they are going to decide where they go on their family vacation.
Jessica gives the “alike but different” spiel. She actually says that “Elizabeth likes school and homework! I hate homework!” CANON! Despite these differences, Liz and Jess (and even Steven) are in agreement about where they want to go on vacation: Fantasy Forest. I assume the ghostwriter intends Fantasy Forest to be the same amusement park as Enchanted Forest, where Liz has her hilarious LSD dream in middle school. Or maybe Fantasy Forest is like the Disney World to Enchanted Forest’s DisneyLand.
Even though the three kids are all in agreement, Alice and Ned are like “Um, no, Fantasy Forest is where the drugs is. What else?” Liz suggests, and I quote, “a dude ranch.” Because she loves the dudes! Especially if they punch people! Steven wants to go to Los Angeles and see the Dodgers play. Ned says they are going to have a vote about it at the end of the week, which is silly because if they had a vote at the beginning it’d be three to two for Fantasy Forest. I guess Ned thinks this is like a presidential election and deserves campaigning time or something OR (more likely) he just wants to make his kids fight amongst themselves.
The next day, Liz and Jess are playing Go Fish, when the radio DJ (Jessica explains that “DJ” means “Disc Jockey”) announces a contest. The 101th caller will win a CD from the band “In-Line Lovers”, two radio station t-shirts, and a signed photo of the singer of In-Line Lovers, Kyle Smoothie. Yes, that’s his name. Also, we learn that In-Line Lovers are famous for their song “Your Rollerblades Left Skid Marks On My Heart.” No, I’m not making that up.
In my head, this band is totally fake and ironic like 2gether or something but the twins are just too stupid to get it. I bet this Kyle Smoothie fellow is played by Chris Farley’s brother. (RELATED ASIDE: I tried to convince my college roommate to use “U + Me = Us” as her first dance song at her wedding but she ended up being “serious” about it. I’m still depressed.)
Both twins call in. But it is Jessica who is caller 101. The DJ asks her if she’s familiar with the contest rules, of course she is not. Apparently, one must be thirteen-years-old to win a CD. Jessica is not 13. I can’t understand why you have to be 13. I could see 18-that’s age of majority. Or even 16 if it’s the age of consent in California. 13 is such a random number. This does not faze Jessica though, she says of course she’s thirteen and she’ll be by to pick up the prize within 48 hours!
Jessica tells Elizabeth that since they both called, half the prize is Liz’s and together they are 14 so of course it’s legit. Liz doesn’t exactly fall for this fuzzy math. So Jessica sweetens the pot. She says she’ll vote for Liz’s dude ranch idea if Liz goes to the station to collect the prize with her. How this will help, I do not know, she should ask someone over 13 to go to the station with her.
Jessica blabs to all her friends that she won an awesome prize. Liz is like, “Did you think of a plan where we can actually get the prize?” Details! Details!
Liz’s grand plan is to get Steven to collect the prize. Of course, Steven is only nine and he’s a boy. Personally, I think it’d be better for the twins to wear a trench coat and have one sit on top of the other’s shoulders. No one listens to me.
Jessica tells Steven that she’ll vote for the Dodgers if he agrees to do this. Steven reluctantly agrees. They make him wear Alice’s clothes and a funny hat, so he’ll look like a girl. They get almost to the radio station, when Steven spots Tina, a girl he likes, and he turns and runs. The twins are horrified, but I honestly think that’s the best move Steven could make. He'd never live that down. The twins try to convince Steven to go back but he’s not having any of it. Good for you, Steven. Grow a backbone, unlike Liz, who (during this fight) discovers that Jessica promised to vote for the Dodgers not the Dude Ranch. Instead of being pissed and telling Jessica she’s not going to help anymore, Liz the Doormat is like “Okay but as long as you’re sorry!” I’ve never seen Liz roll over so fast in all my life, and I’ve read a lot of these things!
Next, the twins ask their baby-sitter, Molly. Molly actually is thirteen and a girl. Why they didn’t ask her first, no one knows. But when Jessica tells Molly that she lied to the DJ and said she was thirteen, Molly tells her she won’t do it. She’s all “I can’t help you lie” and “honesty is the best policy” blah blah. Obviously, none of this gets through to Jessica or we’d never have a Sweet Valley book series!
Now Jessica’s 48 hours to claim the prize are almost over so she tells Liz that they have to go by themselves. I love how it’s not occurred to them to ask their parents about it. The girls put on some of their mom’s clothes and makeup, in an attempt to look older. From the way the ghostwriter describes Jessica putting on mascara, I assume she looks like Tammy Faye. Then they sneak out of the house without their mother knowing, because Alice doesn’t keep as good track of them as their babysitter does.
They go to the radio station in their silly get-ups. Everyone looks at them funny. Finally they meet the DJ-who is old and bald and doesn’t look anything like a movie star, to Jessica’s dismay-and he sort of gives them the fisheye, obviously not believing they are thirteen. Then he asks Jessica to fill out a form, that gives her name and telephone number. He goes back to “change the song” and calls someone on the phone. After this phone call, he gives the girls the prizes. Jessica thinks it was a fun adventure and Liz is like, “No it wasn’t.”
That evening, Jessica is excited about the prizes. Liz points out they can’t listen to the CD, or wear the shirts or hang up the photo, or their parents will want to know where they got it. Liz is so annoying. Of course Ned and Alice wouldn't notice stuff like that! Instead they just listen to the radio some more. The DJ announces that Jessica-and the other winners of this contest-have been entered to win the grand prize which is, wait for it… you’re going to be shocked… I know you’ll never think of it… a family vacation to Fantasy Forest! Incredible, right?
Jessica is like "ZOMG! I have to win!" Liz is like, “I hope you don’t because then we have to go down to the station and pretend to be thirteen again!” Jessica is like “WHATEVER. Haven’t you learned that I always get my way?”
The next day, Jessica makes Liz listen to the radio all afternoon. Liz wants to go to the park. Alice stops by their room and says “Are you girls going to be listening to the radio for the next ten minutes?” The girls are like “Yeah why?” And Alice is all “Oh, no reason I’m just a horrible liar and remember we have our family meeting soon! Anvil plot alert! BYE!”
Immediately thereafter, the DJ comes on and announces that… Norbert Carter won the vacation prize. They say Norbert has to call in to claim his prize, but he doesn’t because he’s obviously fictional. Then they pull another name, and it’s Jessica Wakefield! Jessica does the dance of joy and calls in for her prize. The DJ tells her she has to come claim it in the next half hour. Jessica is like, “Oh crap but I have a family meeting and my dad has a fake gavel and he’ll never let me out because court is not adjourned!”
Liz puts her foot down and says she’s not going to pretend to be thirteen again. She lectures Jessica about lying. I’d like to point out that Elizabeth has already done exactly what Jessica is preparing to do. Liz says she’ll go with Jessica because the twins aren’t really allowed to cross busy streets alone and she’s worried Jessica will get hit by a car. But she will not dress up again. MORAL OF THIS STORY: Aiding and abetting liars is okay, it just dressing up in drag that is bad.
They go to the radio station to claim the second prize from the DJ. He asks them what grade they are in and Liz says “Second grade.” The DJ is all “Oops, too bad. Second graders can’t win this prize.” Jessica is furious with Elizabeth and vows never to speak to her again.
Jessica and Elizabeth arrive back at the split level ranch. Alice is waiting for them and she looks angry. Then Ned drives up. The parents say they have something important they want to talk to the twins about. See, they spoke with the DJ and he told them everything. (“The Spin Master was a tattletale!” Jessica thinks.) Alice lists their offenses. They lied, they went downtown without permission, and they used her makeup and clothing. Ned tells them they are grounded. No TV or radio for a week. Then the twins are sent to their room.
… But when they get there, Fantasy Forest t-shirts and hats are on the beds! Ned and Alice appear in the doorway. All that “parenting” stuff earlier? OBVIOUSLY A JOKE. The Wakefields don’t parent for godsake. See, the DJ called Alice the previous day (after Jessica had so helpfully written down her phone number to claim the prize) and told Alice that these girls were obviously not thirteen and shouldn’t have been out on their own. So instead of yelling at the girls and saying “You could’ve died crossing busy streets yourselves! And you lied to us!” The Wakefields set up a little ruse. They made up the second contest, you know, just to give the girls another chance to be hit by a car or something. If they lied again, they wouldn’t be allowed to go to Fantasy Forest. But if they came clean and told the truth, they can go.
So thanks to Saint Liz’s blabbermouth the Wakefields are going to Fantasy Forest! And everyone is happy. Except parenting enthusiasts.
Oddly, instead of a preview for the next SVK book it says the twins are going on vacation for the summer and look out for a new series called “Welcome to Sweet Valley.” Since this was published in April 1996, I think the new series they are referencing became “Team Sweet Valley" which came out that year. "Welcome to Sweet Valley" is kind of a better title though. Books could be like "Welcome to Sweet Valley... on your left a split level ranch with Spanish title. On your right, a totally awesome Porsche. Notice the classy paper cups!"