Sweet Valley University #23: Sweet Kiss of Summer
Despite Bruce Patman #2 being on the cover, there is no Bruce in this book. FALSE ADVERTISING!
It’s summer! It’s hot outside! It’s time to recap another installment of the Baywatch: Sweet Valley University, I mean SVU: Lifeguards! Those of you unfamiliar with the two “Lifeguards” mini series should go check out julieannie’s awesome recap of #21: For the Love of Ryan. No one has recapped number #22 (get on it, team!), so this is #23 the final book in the first mini series. We won’t see these characters again until Francine hilariously interrupts Gin-Yung Suh’s tragic death to give us the final parts of the mini-series in #30 Beauty and the Beach.
Like I said, you should read julieannie’s recap because it’ll get you up speed. Basically, the twins and Nina Harper have become Lifeguards for the summer. This is one of four summer break mini-series during the course of the two years of college SVU covers. I’m going to assume in Sweet Valley, Summer comes between every semester. We’ll call this one Fall-Summer Break, maybe?
Anywhoodle, Winston Egbert also tried out for lifeguarding duty but he didn’t make it which is TOTAL CRAP. Wouldn’t you rather have Winston on your side in a life or death situation than Liz? I mean Winston doesn’t actively attract psychos and cause death. CASE IN POINT: The back of this book tells us that in the last book (#22-get on it, team!) Ryan Taylor “missed a critical save” because he was too busy making out with Liz.
That’s right, you kiss Liz Wakefield and PEOPLE DIE. I mean, we already know she’s responsible for the holocaust and everything bad Jessica has ever done, but now we can add anything bad her boyfriends did because the power of her kisses makes them insane. I bet Todd was a nice boy with no anger management issues before he met her. I bet Margo Black was a model foster care kid! And William White was a perfectly respectable Southern racist!
... Did you guys ever notice that Liz’s two main psychos have the surnames Black and White? Now I’m imagining the two of them doing a duet of Ebony and Ivory but changing the words so it’s all about killing Elizabeth Wakefield. “There is good and bad in everyone one/ We learn to live, we learn to give / Elizabeth a knife to the faaaaace….”
Oh, wow, I’m getting distracted.
Jessica and Ben are frolicking on the beach. They got together in the last book. We also learn that Ben is some kind of genius? Aerodynamics? This is news to me. Jessica is like, “La, my marriage to Mike went crappy and Louis Miles died, but now I can be happy!” Say what you will about Jessica but at least she’s not prone to annoying brooding and we'll see A LOT of that later. Ben makes fun of her for thinking everything is about her. He says he bets she thinks the sun rose in the morning so she could do her makeup. Well, at least he knows what he’s getting into!
Random Factoids: Ben goes to the University of Chicago and is a member of MENSA.
Just then, she sees a surfer wipe out and dives into action. It’s hard to recap swimming action. Let’s just say, it’s tough but Jessica saves the surfer. Nina Harper and Wendy Wolman come and assist. Ben hugs Jessica. Suddenly, Jessica realizes she almost died and she didn’t even think about that while she was in the water. She tells Ben she is stupid. “If you think, it’s all over. For me anyway.” I mention this because I think it applies to more than Jessica the lifeguard. It's how she lives her life.
Winston is working for “Hamburger Harry.” He has to dress up like a hamburger and try to get people to go eat at Harry’s. SVU is so mean to Winston, I can’t even say. Sometimes people dress up as stuff here in NYC and I always take their fliers just because I feel bad for them. Seriously, whenever you start to hate your job just remind yourself that you don’t have to dress up in a hot foodstuffs costume and stand outside in crazy weather while teenage boys mock you (and they will). Winston thinks the only redeeming feature of the job is that Denise Waters, his girlfriend, is thousands of miles away, in Europe.
The rival South Beach Squad of lifeguards comes in to get hamburgers. The team includes the bitchy Rachel Max, Kristi Bjorn, Mickey Esposito, and Kyle Fisher. They’re talking a lot of smack about how they’re going to win some triathlon. Winston bets the Sweet Valley Squad will beat them. And then somehow he says he’ll bet them “our merit pay” against theirs, and the South Beach Squad agrees. No one mentions that Winston isn’t a lifeguard and doesn’t get merit pay.
Meanwhile Liz is busy brooding, which she is much better at than her sister. These pages are so melodramatic, I think we should have a dramatic reading of Liz’s brooding one day. See, Ryan hung up his little red shorts after missing that save, and hasn’t come back. Nina is in charge of the squad now. That’s a total upgrade in my opinion; I bet Nina never gets distracted by Liz’s “questing lips” (read: boobs). In this brood, Liz also reminds us she’s technically still with Tom Watts, who is in Colorado where apparently, all journalism happens. Now Ryan’s vanishing act has thwarted her cheating ways! Can you believe him?
Later, Jess and Ben banter about their past. There are actual allusions to sex in this passage. I’m scandalized. Ben used to date bitchy rival lifeguard Rachel Max. Jessica thinks of Ben as her “other half, her truest partner” and then she sees Liz and is like “Oh snap!” I’m amused by this. It’s a problem identical twins often haven when, like, they get married; I’ve not seen much actual twin psychology in the Sweet Valley series. Of course, Jessica has known Ben for all of five minutes so, she’s really jumping the gun on this line of thinking. Like always!
Now over to Ryan. A whole page of exposition about him calling some girl on the phone. The girl is not Elizabeth but she is like Elizabeth in personality. Jesus, Ryan, just dial the fucking phone already. Calling someone isn’t cheating-and it’s not like Liz gives two shits about cheating anyhow. Then the scene cuts away, like this is some great cliffhanger.
Liz, who is not at this moment on the phone with Ryan (scandal!), is in the beach house. She snaps at Ben and Nina tells her “you had it coming” when he snaps back. Nina was awesome in early SVU. (In fact, now that I think about it, all of Liz’s best friends started out okay but the longer they were around the weirder they got. Amy became a slut. Enid… became Alex? Sensing a pattern?) Anyway, Liz is jealous that Jessica is happy with Ben when Ryan is off phoning other girls. Nina reminds her that she’ll be back with Tom soon. Oooh, burn, Nina. I love it. Nina makes Liz stop moping so they can go discuss the triathlon strategy.
Back to Winston. Winnie realizes what he’s promised. Instead of thinking, “Ah, well, they’re stupid to make an agreement with me. Maybe if SV loses I’ll give them some free french fries,” he decides to angst about his bet. He briefly thinks he might be dying, which is just too ridiculous for me to recap. He returns the house to find everyone gathered for the triathlon strategy session and tells them what he said.
Everyone gets mad, of course. They all mention what they were going to do with the money. Jessica was going to fly out to visit Ben; Ben has debts he needs to pay off, relating to Rachel; and Elizabeth says she was going to donate it to human rights causes, she says, and berates him for “hurting the cause.” Winston groans and says he’s “killed human rights.” That’d be hilarious if he were being snarky. I mean how will humans ever get rights without Elizabeth Wakefield’s support?
Wendy sticks up for Winston. She gives us some back story about how Winston hooked her up with Pedro Paloma, international singing sensation, and how she thinks Winston is funny. Basically, Wendy wants a piece of the hamburger. She tells everyone they have to have confidence that they can win the triathlon.
Nina then admits that she doesn’t feel like she’s a good enough leader. Apparently, Ryan was better which I don’t believe on any level since Ryan was stupid enough to fall for Liz. She’s says, “I have confidence in you guys but not myself.” Oh, Nina, if I did my swimming on a beach (which I don’t, because sand is my nemesis) and I needed someone to guard my life, I’d pick you in a heartbeat over any one of these yahoos.
The group decides they do want to beat South Beach, and this might be the motivation they need. (I’d personally, stick by the give them free french fries idea.) Everyone talks about the mean pranks the South Beach Squad has played on them this Summer. Since I didn’t read the last book, I’ll just have to take the characters word that mean pranks were played and the South Beach Squad deserves to be crushed under the heels of the perfect size-six Wakefields.
Talk then inevitably turns to Ryan. He’s now working as a waiter at Trail’s End Pub. Wendy’s narration tells us that “[Just when everything was calm], Elizabeth had to go and have an emotional breakdown. About the hundredth she’d had that summer.” Haha! Another character snarks on Liz! Okay, Wendy, you can stay.
Liz goes to her room and broods. Oddly she thinks about how much she loves Tom and how “solid” their relationship is, while she pines for Ryan. Delusion, thy name is Wakefield. These passages are too much; my eyes threaten to roll out of my head. Liz actually imagines Ryan has put a message in a bottle for her, but even in her entirely fake-made-up dream she can’t read what he’s written-whether he wants a romance or not. Oh my god, someone stop this girl before she writes a terrible novel about broken shells and messages in a bottle, and the world implodes because it literally cannot hold that much crappy Liz drama.
Nina interrupts her-oh thank god! I weep like a torture victim, recently released from her prison. NINA! I cry and attempt to hug her even though she is fictional. Liz is unsure what she should do about Ryan. Nina is like, “Liz, you have to discover his secret before you drive yourself crazy from lack of meddling in someone’s affairs and/or you give strangeface a mental breakdown.” Wise words, Nina. Wise indeed.
Wendy is afraid international singing sensation Pedro Paloma has forgotten about her. She hasn’t seen him in four whole days. That’s, like, abandonment! Wendy walks his dog, Carlos, for him. Two of the evil-bad-mean South Beach lifeguards make fun of her-they don’t believe she is really dating international singing sensation Pedro Paloma. While she is out, someone steals her purse from instead PP’s house. The police chief tells her this is the fourth such incident in recent memory-the burglar only takes cash, which seems kind of lazy even for someone looking to make their fortune by taking other people’s fortunes.
Liz drives to see Ryan. She even sees titles of movies and thinks they are about her. Hey, Liz, remember what Ben said to Jessica about the sun rising for her? That. She goes to the restaurant Ryan works at now. She thinks his body is “imprisoned” by khakis and a polo shirt, and “how dare” that couple expect him to “fetch” things for them? Because it’s his job, Liz, Jesus. To her surprise, Ryan isn’t ecstatic to see her. She says we have to talk and he’s like “I’m working, baby, damn,” so Liz agrees to wait until his shift is over.
When Ryan does get off his shift, a “pretty” red-headed girl comes in and apologizes for not being there when Ryan called her earlier. Obviously, this is the mysterious phone girl from before. I’m sure you were just dying of suspense about that. Liz sees this and gets all huffy-as though a) she and Ryan were dating and b) she weren’t also cheating on Tom. She storms off! He tries to stop her, but he cannot withstand the power of the mighty Liz storm off.
Nina meets Paul for dinner. I’ll remind you that Nina is also cheating on her boyfriend, Bryan--although she insists it's just dinner. I always thought Bryan was a douchetard, so I don’t mind this cheating so much. Paul gives Nina jewelry and orders them both lobsters. Nina wonders where he’s getting the money, on a lifeguard salary, and then worries that he’s the one stealing people’s cash. Oh sure, it’s always the black man, isn’t it? Way to be racist, Nina. Paul assures her that he just expects to come into money soon-when his South Beach Squad beats Sweet Valley in the triathlon.
Later, Paul does kiss her but Nina pulls away. She reminds him she has a boyfriend and he’s like “yeah, yeah.” Nina realizes she doesn’t like kissing Bryan half as much as she likes kissing Paul. Uh-oh, Nina has been hanging out with Liz too long, she’s about to rationalize cheating.
Jessica and Ben practice for said triathlon on the beach. Jessica is apparently great at running when she pretends her ex-boyfriends are behind her. Probably because they’re all dead so that makes them an army of zombie boyfriends. Who wouldn’t run like heck from that? Ben promises to come visit her a lot if they win the triathlon and the bet.
Wendy has some kind of sun-stroke induced dream about international singing sensation Pedro Paloma. There is no point to this scene except it includes the lyrics to a song he supposedly wrote about her. If you’re interesting in knowing these lyrics, please seek immediate medical attention.
The next morning, both Liz and Nina are bitchy because of their respective love-life issues. They get to the lifeguard station and are told that it was broken into the night before. Nothing was inside but the crew is rattled. They wonder if South Beach is trying psychological warfare. Nina worries that it was Paul because apparently he mentioned the station the previous evening? (I go back in the book and don’t see this happening. SHOW; don’t tell, ghostwriter.)
Meanwhile, Winston and Hamburger Harry have started a side business. They are taking bets on the triathlon. I don’t know why anyone would care, let alone care enough to bet. Someone asks about betting on baseball too and Winston says that would be “like gambling.” Remember when Winston was one of the smart kids? Ben comes over and tells Winston that they are putting his name on the roster of Sweet Valley competitors, because they need one more person (since Ryan is gone). But they don’t expect him to compete. He’s just an alternate. Why do I get the feeling someone is going to come down with some horrible injury pretty soon?
Tom calls Liz long distance. Remember long distance? Before everyone had cell phones? At first, Liz thinks it’s her parents (why would they call long distance from Sweet Valley) so she pretends to be Jessica, but it turns out it’s Tom. And he’s like, “Um, why were you pretending to be Jessica?” Sad that Liz knows these tricks will fool her parents but not her boyfriend. Tom’s all “I miss you” and blah blah blah. Tom isn’t a cheating cheater. But seconds after they hang up, Liz is back to thinking about Ryan. She berates herself a bit, but then she’s on to more beach metaphors, something about her and Tom being birds of a feather like the seagulls. I don’t know. None of this makes any sense to me. How do I recap nonsense?
Captain Feehan, the head beach cop, stops by the beach house to drop off some triathlon fliers and ask if anyone has seen Paul. I have no idea why police officers on duty would hang fliers, but maybe it’s what the SVPD is best at. Liz asks him about the previous summer, when a kid drowned and Ryan blamed himself. Captain Feehan says Ryan wasn’t even on duty and he’s a good kid except-and then he clams up and says Liz should ask him. Liz then drops a lemonade glass and cries about how she’s about to break her relationship with Tom. Oh, write a poem about it and leave me alone, Liz. I can’t take any more of this.
So remember those break-ins that Captain Feehan is supposed to be investigating? Wendy is also starting to suspect Paul, the black guy. Because she goes back to international singing sensation Pedro Paloma’s house and Paul is lurking about. He says he “saw” someone, but Wendy is suspicious, especially since she doesn’t know how he knew the details of the previous break-in.
Back at Hamburger Harry’s, bitchy Rachel shows up. Harry talks to her about something Winston is not privy to. Suspicious! Anyway, Harry sure has a lot of cash lying around now, Winston comments. Isn’t he worried he’ll be robbed? Harry is not worried about that, actually. What does make him nervous is the little kid who comes in to place a bet. Harry tells him no, he’s too young, and the kid threatens to go to the cops and expose their gambling if they don’t take his money.
If I were Hamburger Harry I'd laugh in his face. "What? SVPD stop crime? Ha!" But Harry gets nervous.
Liz runs down the beach and tells Nina that Captain Feehan was asking after Paul. Before Liz can somehow turn this information into a metaphor about Ryan, a tiny boat capsizes not far away. A boy and girl tumble into the ocean. Nina races to the rescue, with Liz behind. Nina saves the boy, but he is not at all grateful-since his stupid boat goes floating off to sea. Nina calls him a brat. When Liz suggests that Nina bruised his ego in front of his girlfriend, Nina says, “I’d like to bruise it again.” She goes on to say that “[She and Liz sure know] how to pick ‘em. Even our drowning victims are losers.” Is this important to the plot? No. Did I enjoy it? Yes. So far in the “Lifeguards” series, there has been very little lifeguarding. Later in the book, this kid complains about Nina and nearly gets her demoted from head lifeguard. But she keeps her position so it’s all just a plot device so everyone can gush about how great a leader Nina is. Although she has to speak more politely to the people she saves. Bah. That’s less hilarious for me!
Jessica and Ben practice some more. There is so very premature talk of Ben and Jessica being married. You’d think Jessica would’ve learned her lesson about getting married too quickly. Anyway, they race along the beach and-you’re going to be shocked by this-Jessica falls and injures her leg. I know! Who could’ve predicted a horrible injury earlier in this recap? Oh, right I did.
It turns out someone left a knife in the sand. Jessica inadvertently stabbed her own foot. Now Winston has to enter the triathlon but Winston doesn’t think he is in good enough shape. So their only hope is Ryan returning to the squad to compete. Jessica tells Liz she has two options; she can go beg Ryan for help or Jessica will run the triathlon on an injured foot. I would like for Liz to say, “Okay, I pick option B. I hope you do permanent damage and then I’ll be the hot twin and you’ll be Stumpy” but of course, she doesn’t.
Liz goes off to talk to Ryan. She tells him everything he missed. Ryan is all I’d like to help but “I have vague emotional issues that I can’t tell you until later in the book!”
Nina, meanwhile, recognized the knife that injured Jessica. She believes it belongs to one Paul T. Blackguy. She tells Paul she can’t see him anymore and he doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks once the triathlon is over, and they’re no longer on opposite teams, they’ll be together. But Nina is now pissed at him personally so she’s motivated to beat the South Beach Squad. She enlists Jessica to come up with a plan “to get” Paul and the others. Winston mentions that plotting was always Jessica’s “number-one sport” which is TRUFAX. Jessica is gleeful. She’s like “I get to scheme for a good cause! Weeeee!” Hee. I do so love scheming Jessica. And, hey, Nina might not think she’s a good team leader but at least she knows her people’s strengths.
Excuse me while I quote passages from this bit because it makes me laugh.
“[Jessica] was in a very good mood. It was lots of fun being officially allowed to scheme and lie.” Did I mention that I love her? She prepares to lie, lie, lie. “She was like a great opera singer who was being given a chance to go onstage again after a summer of voicelessness.” She goes to the South Beach Squad “clubhouse” (her mock, not mine). While there, she complains about being bored and not able to do anything. Then she spills her bag and-whoops-a huge wad of cash comes tumbling out. Golly, she hopes it doesn’t get stolen.
The real tragedy of this recap is that nothing really comes of this scheme, and I think that is a shame.
Wendy tries to get her dog-PP-and international singing sensation Pedro Paloma’s dog-Carlos-to get along but they won’t. While she’s at international singing sensation Pedro Paloma’s house, she hears a message left from his manager. The manager thinks Pedro is at the house. Wendy thought he was on tour. Awkward! Then bitchy Rachel shows up, she acts like she wants to put the moves on international singing sensation Pedro Paloma, who is not there. Wendy is annoyed. Rachel refuses to believe Wendy is dating international singing sensation Pedro Paloma. She thinks Wendy is just house sitting, which, to be fair, is more believable.
The gang stays up on watch all night-expecting Paul (or someone else from the South Beach Squad) to come steal Jessica’s wad of cash. But no one does. Oh good. So all the lifeguards at Sweet Valley Shore are spending the day with no sleep. I feel very safe.
For some vague reason, Liz drives to Ryan’s apartment. Ryan is all, “I have to be vague! The book isn’t over yet!” And then they kiss. It’s really awkward and bad romance novely. Liz actually says “Oh, Ryan! Kiss me!” and he’s like “I am kissing you question mark?” And then he pulls away from her, like “NO! I MUST GO! I HAVE VAGUE EMOTIONAL ISSUES.” And Liz is like “I’ll wait for you!” and Ryan is like “No, I cannot let you do that. I am not the man you think I am.” For some reason, Ryan has a thick Mexican accent in my head, like a telenovela actor. Go ahead, read what I just wrote aloud. You can’t say it without a bad accent of some kind. Anyway, he gets in his car and speeds away. He should really lock his apartment before he leaves. I hear there have been burglaries in the area!
Of course, if Ryan were trying to devise a strategy to get Elizabeth Wakefield more interested in him, the best thing he could do would be to hint at vague problems she needs to investigate more. Liz loves a good meddle so she is not discouraged. She’s not even put off by his terrible Mexican accent! (And, really, it’s kinda racist.) She follows him in her car. Ryan stops at a church, where the pretty red-headed woman meets him. Liz immediately thinks they are getting married. Because there is nothing else you can do at a church.
The gang practices for the triathlon. It turns out Winston is actually pretty speedy on a bicycle. While it’s nice to see him getting some due, the gang almost immediately finds out about the gambling ring and Ben flips out. Ben’s like “You can’t bet on a race you’re in!” And Nina kicks him off the squad. They tell him he better get out of it before he ends up in trouble with the police. Oh no! Not the widely feared SVPD! Whatever will Winston do!
Just after, Nina runs into Paul and she tells him she knows he’s a thief. And he’s all “Bwuh?”
Wendy is on the beach, patrolling. Some kid yells for help and she dives in and rescues him. Except there is something fishy about the kid-he never seems to be in real danger. When she gets back to the lifeguard station, she realizes that her stuff has been stolen, including the keys to international singing sensation Pedro Paloma’s house. Oh noes.
Liz goes into the church. A man tells her that “it’s in the basement” and not to be embarrassed. Liz has no idea what he’s talking about. But she goes to the basement and there is a large gathering of people-one might call it a meeting. Ryan is there and he gets up and says “My name is Ryan and I’m an alcoholic.” I suppose this is supposed to be the big dramatic reveal? Let’s all fake shock that Liz would fall for a drunk. Basically, last summer Ryan drank at night, like young boys his age do. One day he was too hungover to go into work so he called in sick (which, to be fair, is more than many alcoholics will do). A rookie lifeguard was on duty instead of him when a little girl drowned and he feels like he should’ve been there. Yes, this is a real honest-to-goodness problem and I’m sure it’s very hard to live with, but if he’d have just told people about it instead of being all broody and weird… well this whole book would be a lot shorter. You know?
Captain Feehan was the one who convinced Ryan to go to AA, even though he fervently believes Ryan couldn’t have saved the little girl even if he was on duty. The redheaded woman, Patti, is his sponsor (and she’s married BTW). After Ryan gives his little speech, the whole room claps for him. It’s supposed to be a polite clap. Like “Yay, Ryan! Who’s next?” But Liz gets on her feet and gives him, like, a standing ovation. God, I’d be so embarrassed by her. Instead, Ryan asks if she hates him, which of course she doesn’t. She says she’s so proud of him, blah blah blah.
You know, I have a lot of alcoholics in my family (Hi, Irish Catholic) and I’ve never been so annoyed by the admitting of past wrongs speech. So you’re an alcoholic! So what! Half my family’s alcoholics! Jesus! ...I might also be a bit bitter that this book is not over yet. Can we just have the triathlon already?
Liz totally uses the Twelve Steps against Ryan (which is really mean) and says that he’s abandoned the Sweet Valley Shore lifeguards and left them in the lurch. Thus, they have been wronged by him and he has to make amends. He like, “I’m sorry?” And she’s like, “Oh no, you’re running in the triathlon, bub.” Afterward, she gets into her car and wonders if there is a “Lovers Anonymous” to help her through rough spots. There is not enough SHUT UP, LIZ! in the whole world.
Ryan returns to the beach that evening. He and Liz make out in the lifeguard tower.
Everyone else (sans Jessica) goes to the movies, when Winston spots someone in the lifeguard tower. Winston, Wendy, Ben and Nina run after the suspect. But it turns out they just spotted Ryan and they burst in on Liz and him smooching. How extremely random.
OK. FINALLY IT IS TRIATHLON DAY. Ryan is like their coach, making sure everyone has the correct shoe-lace length. I didn’t know this was a thing. The crowd cheers for them-even the jerky kid Nina saved earlier in the book. And then they’re off! The first leg is the bike ride, which I mention because even a casual Olympics viewer (aka me) knows that usually swimming goes first. Ryan gets out first because he is super special. Liz and Ben are right behind him, until two South Beach Squad members knock them over. Their captain, Rachel, yells at them that they have to fight fair. Liz is confused by this behavior from bitchy Rachel.
So South Beach wins the “cycling heat.” Then Sweet Valley wins the swimming. Again, I must tell you that even I know this is not how triathlon is run. The whole point is to do all three events. Not stop and, like, putter around between “heats” computing a team’s average time. It’s a fucking race. You swim, you bike, you run, whoever crosses the finish line first wins. RAAACE. I guess I should’ve been tipped off that it was going to be weird when they were running in teams. But I thought they’d do like a relay or something. To further confuse me, we’re told that the kids have to run the, well, running portion of the triathlon in full SCUBA gear. Not just wetsuits-they have to carry an oxygen tank and everything. At least they can wear sneakers, not flippers, but it’s still pretty stupid. And the worst part is, they have to run through a “thickly wooded” park in said wetsuits (with limited vision, since they have to wear the swim masks). That’s nonsensical. Someone is going to fall and trip over something they can’t see, then sue.
This is not a triathlon, you guys. It’s some kind of wacky Sweet Valley three-event ridiculousness. If Captain Feehan came up with this idea, I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s SVPD after all.
Okay, so we start the running part with Wendy she immediately gets lost in the woods. Then it cuts to Nina who is ALSO lost in the woods, which confuses me because I’m like “I THOUGHT IT WAS WENDY WHO WAS LOST.” But, apparently everyone gets lost in the woods in this well-designed racetrack. Nina trips over someone and it turns out to be Paul. Paul was at the head of the pack in the beginning. But “some kid” hit him on the head and tied him up. Nina is like “…what?” which is a pretty understandable reaction, I think. Paul asks if she could get his knife out of his pocket, she could untie him. You see, Paul’s knife was never lost on the beach. Paul’s knife has been with him the whole time. Paul did not stab Jessica. Oops!
Paul tells Nina that a few summers ago he was arrested for petty theft. Captain Feehan “saved him.” So now he and Feehan are buds, and they were hoping if they threw suspicion onto Paul, then the real thief would get complacent and slip up. That is… one of the worst police plans I have ever heard and I just recapped the fucking House of Death. I mean, damn. Why not just have Paul be an undercover cop or something? Why say “Oh the cops decided to trust a known thief to help them catch the current thief"? God.
Nina and Paul kind of sort of make up. He kisses her. But she’s like “Sorry, this isn’t going to work out. I have to beat your ass in a race right now.” One other thing I love about Nina is she doesn’t let boy drama stop her from the important things in life. RAAAAACE.
It turns out Wendy wasn’t really lost. In fact, she’s now just behind Rachel on her way to the finish line. She remembers what a bitch Rachel was about her dating international singing sensation Pedro Paloma, and she puts on a last burst of speed. Oddly, Rachel seems to slow down and Wendy wins. When she crosses the finish line, who should be standing there but international singing sensation Pedro Paloma! He tells her he went to Mexico to get his grandmother’s ring. He proposes to Wendy right there.
... I’ll remind you that she’s in full SCUBA gear, in case you thought this was romantic. Go ahead, picture it.
But, South Beach wins the triathlon? Even though Sweet Valley’s Wendy came across the finish line first? I do not understand the rules of this thing. I don’t think there are rules. Jessica cries that she won’t be able to fly out to see Ben. Oddly, Rachel is also pissed off by her win.
Everyone goes to Hamburger Harry’s for lunch. Captain Feehan says he’s known about the betting on the triathlon all along but he’s not interested in busting Harry and Winston (haha-I just noticed that). I guess Sweet Valley cops can just decide they don’t feel like catching criminals today. Anyway, Feehan is after a “bigger fish.” He asks if anyone put down a large sum of money. Harry points to the kid-the one who threatened to go to the cops. It turns out he is Rachel’s little brother. Together they had put their money on Sweet Valley winning. Rachel planned to sabotage her own team and her brother knocked out Paul.
But, um, she must be a really crappy saboteur? Because her squad won anyway?
Rachel jumps into the water, to escape. She also must be a shitty lifeguard, because she hits her head and nearly drowns. (Almost pool push?) Winston saves her. After these heroics, the gang all chips in and gives him a small chunk of their merit pay. At least he got some respect after all. Yay Winston.
THE MERCIFUL END: Jessica gets her cast removed. Ben taunts Rachel while she’s in jail. Paul enters the Sweet Valley Police Academy (which I imagine involves finger painting). Wendy asks Winston to be her best man at her wedding. Winston worries he’ll have to wear tulle. Ben announces that he intends to transfer to UCLA to be closer to Jessica. I don’t think this ever happens.
Ryan and Liz say goodbye to each other and kiss. Liz fully intends to go home to Tom’s “loving arms” and doesn’t see anything wrong with this picture.
I am so glad this is over.